Learn something new every day - the surgery.

On Friday, August 26, I got my tubes tied. This procedure had been a long time coming, as I had wanted to get it done after Jane was born. However, Rick had gotten his vasectomy done during that pregnancy and was adamantly against me getting fixed. He SAID at the time that he didn't see the point in me getting it done if he had gone through all of that. I said that neither of us really need any more children. He said he would be ANGRY if I got it done. So I didn't do it. I knew at the time, and he later admitted to me, that he didn't want me to get my tubes tied because he wanted to "catch" me cheating on him. Funny part is, he didn't CATCH ME, and then HE got me pregnant for a sixth time. The best laid plans, I guess...

Anyway, back to Friday, it was a surreal experience. Initially, when I was referred to this "Family Planning" Medical Center, I felt strongly that it was a "Planned Parenthood" type clinic - namely, abortions. I wondered if I would encounter protesters as I entered. Upon my first visit, the office was very quiet. No protesters, and I was actually the only patient they saw the entire time I was there. Wow. Weird. They said they were scheduling procedures for the next Friday. Otherwise, I would have to wait until the end of September. Hurry, hurry, hurry. Totally worth the rush to make this happen in a week! Start scheduling babysitters, etc. Get a ride to the office. Done. I was ready.

When I showed up on surgery day, there was a little old man protesting at the entrance to the parking lot. He had a large sign and flyers and yelled "I hope you aren't getting an abortion!" as I drove past. I was both fascinated and amused. My amusement lasted a short while, but not long after that.

The office was packed with a lot of quiet, serious faces. When they called me back to get my blood taken, I saw a group of women in "Pre-Op" who were very somber. I'm pretty sure I seemed quite obnoxious with my chatting and joking, but it was extremely awkward. Even the blood-drawer-guy wasn't having it. :-P

My friend Brian had dropped off a little stuffed pair of puppies to be supportive (and super sweet) and the nurses were all very excited and impressed. Although they were quick to point out that they couldn't confirm that I was actually a patient there. Later, he told me how uncomfortable it had been bringing a gift into the abortion clinic. Strange, to say the least, but a ray of happiness in a bleak environment. I don't think they see a lot of joy in that office. I overheard a conversation between nurses about a mother calling regarding her daughter who was coming in for her 3rd abortion in 8 months. Shocking and Devastating. As a "pro-lifer" (with 6 children!) I was obviously out of my element.

I think they scheduled all the tubal procedures around the same time, as the women I waited with were all there to have their tubes tied. And we waited together for a long time. My appointment was at 9:30am, and I finally went in with the doctor at 1:00pm. Apparently, they expect a certain number of "no-shows" when they are scheduling. Today, they had only one... As we waited, we ended up talking a bit about our decision to stop having children. No one ever questions me after I tell them I have 6 kids. No one. One woman had 2 (ages 3 and 1) and the other had 3 (ages 6, 3, and 1). I didn't question their decision either. I will always say that two is plenty.

So, 1pm, meet with the doc, get up in the table, in with the IV, in with the drugs, and I'm passed out. Next I remember, I am waking up (mentally, but not really physically) and I hear what sounds like the voice of my friend who drove me, Pat. So, in a drug induced stupor, I start rambling on and on about how great it is that she is there for me and how important it is and how grateful I am. I opened up my eyes and realize that the woman talking to me is not Pat, and is, instead a very wrinkly little old lady. These words nearly escaped my rambling mouth before I caught myself. "I really want to say something," I heard myself saying, "but it's really rude, so I'm going to stop myself." Yes, I was a barrel of laughs in that recovery room. My throat hurt, I needed to blow my nose. They told me it was because I had thrown up. YUCK. Are you serious??? "I'm so sorry." "It happens." They were all very kind. I was still rambling on and on. How I was way more beat up than I thought I'd be. I saw the two women who had gone before me. "I am slaughtered," I said. But I was losing steam...

As I moved along the (obvious) assembly line in the recovery room, and as I became more and more aware of my surroundings, I began to make some observations. The women who had gone before me all left before me, and I noticed that the women who had gone after me were also leaving before me. I realized that I was the last of my "group" and therefore I was probably the last "tubal" followed by a series of abortions. The abortions seemed to have a quicker recovery (sad.) My gurney was set in a different row than the rest of the beds, so I couldn't see anyone, but I could overhear their conversations. I think everyone was a bit doped up so they were talking freely about the decision they had made. One woman explained that she was 35 and her "baby" was 12. She had a 12 and 16 year old already; it wouldn't be right for her to start over now. Another mentioned that she and her boyfriend would like to have a child in another year, when they were "out on [their] own." I will be honest and say that my heart broke for the children they had let go. I felt that God had blessed them with these babies, these little souls, and they had missed their chance. I admit that I have WAY TOO MANY CHILDREN, but neither of those situations would have been enough for me to give up any of my pregnancies. Even Parker. Especially Parker.

I finally made it into Post-Op, or "dress out" and overheard more conversations as I changed into my clothes. A woman mentioned that "this time" she was 6 1/2 weeks, before it had been 8, and before that was 8 1/2. Oh my goodness, I came face-to-face with the woman (girl, really) who was on her 3rd abortion in 8 months. I bit my tongue. I mentioned only that I was there for a tubal,that I had 6 children. The 35 yo mother of 2 asked "So, you weren't pregnant?" "No, I wasn't, I just got my tubes tied." The 3-time patient asked me if it was harder. "Harder than what? Having a baby? No!" I kind of scoffed at her. "I have never had an abortion, so I wouldn't know how to compare this to that." I was definitely the odd man out in this room. I chose my words as carefully as I could, but really, I tried not to speak.

My incision in my belly button was still bleeding a bit, so I went back into the recovery room to "re-dress" the wound. In the 4 recovery beds, I saw 3 women who were sitting up crying uncontrollably. Devastated, Alone. My heart ached.

"I really commend you," I told those nurses, every chance I got, "I don't know how you do it."

One of the nurses, (the one with the really old face) told me I was a great patient, that I was so pleasant, that it was a pleasure to have someone like me come through there. I'm sure they see a lot of sadness and feel a lot of hopelessness. My ability to smile and have hope got them through this day. That felt good.

I learned so much through this experience. About myself. About the individuality of others. Even about our Heavenly Father's love for us. My faith was strengthened further. Another experience to draw upon. God is great. I am so blessed.

And NO MORE KIDS FOR ME! YAY!

Sunday, Sunday!

My favorite day! And we haven't even gone to church yet. So excited to spend the day with my crazy kiddos. I TOTALLY have my hands full. Haha.

Hattie and Jason are playing Monopoly.

Derek Breanna and Jane are watching TV.

Parker is napping.

One hour until we leave for church. Wish me luck. I need a nap.

Three kids in my bed last night (Parker, Jane, and Jason)...

Time to go be mommy again. Ugh. I mean, Yaaaaaay!

Greatest Party Ever!

When I was 16, I had a pool party for my birthday. It was awesome~ Seriously, I think that my high school friends still remember it (shout out if you were there!!)

I think the party we just had for Hattie's 10th birthday might have topped it. Oh my gosh. So much fun. And so tiring!

My parents rented a huge inflatable water slide with a pool at the bottom.

Enough said.

Oh, and my Stepdad bar-b-qued tri-tip. Yes, I said tri-tip. For ten-year olds. Plus corn on the cob, salad, flakey biscuits. YUM!

The party lasted from Noon til Six (perfect timing if I do say so myself!) It started with water fun. Then a break for fruit and veggies. More sliding (and slipping) and then food around 2. Back in the water til 3:30 or 4 when we opened presents and ate cake & ice cream. Yes. Finally, swimming sliding and splashing until the last child left.

Got my 5 (not counting Paco) bathed. Almost all in bed now. All in all, an exceptional day. I'm sure it is one that all of the children (at least the older 4) will NOT soon forget. Thanks, Grandma and Papa!

The day started hectic and busy. I almost didn't have time to think about the fact that this was my first "at home" birthday party without a husband/dad to help out. As I was moving the (very heavy) table from the garage to the backyard, I felt like I was missing something. Aww, sad. Funny thing is, that is the only point I missed having the "help." The rest of the party was just as any party would have gone with me watching children, caring for children, feeding children, coordinating activities, etc. I certainly did not miss Rick. It was a GREAT FEELING.

I do believe that if I marry again, it will be someone who enhances me and enhances my life and loves my children. He will be my partner. We will be a team. I'm excited to explore the possibility.

The Babies

I just got off the phone with my babies. They aren't really babies any more, but for some reason that is what I always want to call them. I talked to the younger 4 earlier. How fun it is to hear their voices as listen to their conversation skills develop. Jason is kind of an abrupt kid, not much for dragging out the conversation. He is brief, to the point, and always ready to pass the phone on to the next kid. Derek is a little more friendly, unless he is distracted. If I can keep his attention, I can get him talking pretty good. Although he does like correcting me when I get something wrong. Breanna is great at socializing. She could talk and talk and then when she's done I always know because she says "I love you Mommy" :-) Tonight she said "I love you like a Bunny!" so I said "I love you like a Banana!" How satisfying. It's hard to tell when Jane is on the phone because her voice is actually very similar to Breanna's, except her words are COMPLETELY INDECIFERABLE. It is hilarious and was totally cracking me up. Hard to have a conversation with gibberish, but fun nonetheless...

Hattie had to call me back a little later because she was at "Achievement Days" (a twice-monthly church activity for the 8-11 year old girls) with Carolyn. That was a little painful. Good news is that the kids went to church this past weekend and Hattie participated in Achievement Days tonight. It's very nice since she is missing all of August at our ward because of her time with Dad.

Hattie's birthday is Saturday and I am frantically planning her party. I got to talk to her about it tonight. Made me smile. A lot.

I'm so glad I am going to therapy tomorrow. Time to open some long scabbed-over wounds so that I can heal them correctly. Things that have nothing to do with Rick! Wish me luck!

Irony

I was an unfaithful wife, so my husband left me... for another woman.

fml

totally devastated. again.

I have to be the most emotional person I know. Not sure if it's the OTR or everything else, but I am going nuts over here. Although, I did make the mistake of reading through some old texts again. Boy do I suck. What an idiot!

In a lot of those early texts, Rick had some valid points that I just ignored. It wasn't how I truly felt, but I never addressed his feelings and his fears. I just didn't know how. The truth is that he probably would not have heard my concern or responses anyway, but my heart still aches wondering what I could have done differently early on to convince my husband to give our family another chance.

I see it's impossible now. He is gone. And awful. Literally blaming me for everything. For leaving, for not coming back, for living with her, for divorcing me, for not being divorced yet, for not paying child support (and literally spending that money on other things!) at all since February.

I am so hurt. I am so angry. Hurt and angry, hurt and angry. I have said those words to him so many times over the last few months in particular. I just want to do what is best for our children. Really, truly. I feel so powerless.

Crying is cathartic, but it always feels like stepping backward toward no solutions.

SMS

I have all of my texts between Rick and I backed up on email.

I need to stop reading them. It's upsetting and depressing and pathetic. It's also obvious that I've been desperately working my ass off trying to convince an asshole to NOT give up on his family. Futilely, might I add.

So, I think I'll wait at least 6 months before I read any more. Because I just keep saying "See, Look! I was TRYING!!!" and I think we all know that...

Enough

If I am measuring my worth through another's eyes, I will never ever be enough. No matter what I do, there is always a way it could have been done better. No matter how much I accomplish, there is always more that can be done. My house will never be clean enough. My children will never be well-behaved enough. I will always be too emotional, too stoic, too strong, too weak, too passive, too aggressive if I am allowing my worth to be measured by what others think.

Fortunately, my worth is not dependent on what any person on this earth thinks of me. My worth is measured in my Savior's eyes, my worth comes from my Heavenly Father.

I will never be perfect. I have said this phrase many times to many people, particularly to my husband. I will never be perfect, but I am finally trying to better myself, better my family. I recognize my mistakes (even now, even the smaller ones, as I continue to make mistakes) and strive to overcome the flaws that have led me to transgression.

Isaiah 44:22
I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions, and, as a cloud, thy sins: return unto me; for I have redeemed thee.

Repentance envelopes much more than a single act or a solitary bad choice. Repentance is about a true change of heart. It CHANGES a person's HEART. It makes anything possible. Anything is possible through the Savior, through our Lord.