Acceptance

Just as my husband finds it hard to accept that there is any goodness in me, hard to accept that I have changed and want a better life for us and our family, I have found it hard to accept that there is no longer any goodness in him, hard to accept that he has changed and no longer cares about what is best for this family, these children. It's disheartening. I still would love to keep my family together, but I have to accept that Rick's priorities are elsewhere. In every interaction with me he is cold, heartless, hateful, hurtful. I have not recognized him in a long time. Time to stop allowing him to control my emotions. Time to let him make his mistakes. It hurts to watch him hurting our children so readily, but it hurts them even more to experience me suffering. So, today, I'm letting go. Hopefully it lasts.

Still waiting for Baby to make his arrival. I hope it is soon. Seriously.

Jane just spit up all over her blankets in her bed. I pulled the bed coverings off, but the smell is lingering and making me sick (she shares her room with the computer) so I am going to try to make this short.

When Rick and I first separated, I wanted to avoid people "taking sides" in our relationship. What I have learned in the past 6 months is that people are going to take sides. There is no controlling that. As civil as we may want things to be, it is a disagreement, with two distinct sides. I've felt disappointed as I've watched friends who were mine drift away from me, and I've been elated to find the friends on whom I can truly rely, those I can truly trust. I have been honest with all of you from Day One. In my darkest times, I never pretended I was doing the right thing. Even before my repentance, I was well aware and willing to own the fact that I was being entirely selfish, that I was choosing my own wants/needs over those of my family. I feel differently now, but I know that even then I was still being honest with myself and those around me. I appreciate those who have stuck by me through my dark times.

I pray that one day my husband finds truth. I pray he finds forgiveness and lets go of the anger and bitterness and hatred he carries. I hope, someday soon, he chooses to be honest - with himself, with his friends, with his children - and takes responsibility for the choices he is making (not just about ending our marriage/family, but everything else too...) I cannot agonize over it, over him, anymore.