Ezra 3:11

"And they sang together by course in praising and giving thanks to the Lord; because he is good, for his mercy endureth for ever toward Israel..."

Reminding me to be grateful for my many blessings. Grateful for His mercy. Grateful for the Atonement. Grateful for repentance and forgiveness. Deepest gratitude for the comforting and confirming Spirit of the Lord, strengthening and sustaining me on my current path. Despite my emotional ups and downs, I know my path is true, and my Lord knows ME, knows my heart. He truly IS good. Grateful for the reminder.

A Whole New Level

My "Anonymous" friend told me, in the very first (deleted) comment, that I'd reached a "whole new level of crazy". What I've actually reached, I have decided, is a whole new level of heartbroken.

Depression

Welcome back, my old friend.

Ouch. The devastation of learning that everything I've written has been ignored.

Having hope for my eternal family is very difficult.

Guess I have to remind myself that this family will be blessed by Him, regardless of his choices and behaviors.

Fortune Cookie Tonight...

"You have the strength to overcome obstacles on your way to success."

Love the Baby...

Big brother Jason and his mini twin...

My Paquito... (el taquito)

Crooky Pinky Toes

Who needs DNA testing? Just see how their pinky toes all curve underneath the next toe... Totally comes from Daddy's side...

Hattie

Jason

Derek

Breanna

Janey

Parker

Anonymous

If you want to post a comment bashing me and my blog and the things I have written, please have the decency to sign it. Although, there is only one person I know of who has the audacity to say those things. Leave your name, and I will think about leaving your comment up.

I was going to respond to you publicly. I was going to take each element of the comment you wrote and explain my perspective, but I decided against it. I took your message, forwarded it to Rick, and responded to him. If you are interested in my detailed response, you can ask him for it.

Everything I have written in this blog is true. Yes, it is MY experience, MY impressions, MY truth. It is MY BLOG. Take from it what you will.

As for "details" about my indiscretions, my emails, my personal trainer. That was an interesting request. Here is the truth. I have slept with two men outside my marriage. One was a one night stand that I immediately regretted. The other was my affair and we had sex twice. It took me much longer to regret that decision, but I have learned so much about myself since then. I am immensely sorry, I wish I hadn't done it, but I also know that all of my terrible choices are now part of my journey that brought me to the place I am now. And I wouldn't give this place up for anything. Either Rick will benefit from it by putting our family back together, or just my kids (and everyone else in my life) will glean the rewards, but either way, it is the path I took to my own growth to become a better person, a better mother, a better daughter of my Heavenly Father.

The personal trainer was one of my "crushes" - a non-relationship that happened totally in my mind. As was Todd. As was Ross. That is the extent of it. You have NO IDEA what you are talking about. You have heard snippets from a very angry and hurt Rick. And THAT'S ALL.

My repentance is true, and sincere, and right. We CAN fix our marriage. We CAN be happy together. We CAN keep our eternal family whole. If Rick chose to try. He is not choosing that. That is the WHOLE truth.

Mediation

It went alright. As well as can be expected. Nothing like being reminded how much you still truly love your husband, and how much he DOESN'T want to be with you. Still trying, still praying.

Thank you all for your support and prayers. I'm not sure who's out there, but I know someone is reading. So thank you, all those who have put us in your prayers!

My Babies!

So happy they are home tonight!

Saw Jason and realized I've been staring at that face for the past week. It is almost creepy how much he and Parker look alike. OMG. I was ecstatic to see them all. Although I'm a little scared to try to get a full night of sleep, I am so happy they are snug in their beds. I so love them all. No school on Friday so we will be able to spend the day together. :-)

Grieving

I have spent a lot of time, over the past 6 months, studying and experiencing the "Stages of Grief." I have always read (heard?) That people who are going through a break up can experience these stages, and divorce is an even more profound/greater loss. Once I realized I was actually making my way through the stages, I kind of got upset. Does this mean a divorce is inevitable? My therapist assured me that acceptance doesn't necessarily mean there is no chance to reconcile. Because I don't want to give up. I have made my way to acceptance several times, but it is constantly in a state of flux. I'm pretty sure having the baby (and the way he acted) put me into Anger. These days I am back to Depression. Why am I depressed over this guy? Is "father of my children" really that important when I'm being treated like CRAP?

He admitted to me today that he is with her. Not like I haven't known all along, but, wow, what a blow to have him say "Well, yeah." I would do anything to keep my marriage and family together. His affair is no better than mine. And his is actually going to destroy this family. I hope all of his "friends" and "support" are proud of themselves for encouraging him to destroy our family. Destroy our kids lives, as they know them... Feed his anger. Keep him feeling justified "moving on" while we are still married, while I am trying to fight for our family. If you were really a friend you would be encouraging him to TRY to fix this. Encouraging him to be a man who honors his commitments. My betrayal does not justify this, and I am full of remorse and repentance. At this point, it isn't about the past OR the present. It's only about the FUTURE our family could have. We could be whole. We could recover.

You're all freaking awesome. You know who you are.

In tonights scripture reading...

2 Chronicles 15:7
"Be ye strong therefore, and let not your hands be weak; for your work shall be rewarded."

Paco

Obviously, Parker has had his name picked out for a long time. Our little Derek, who just happens to speak with a Boston accent (don't ask me, I have no idea) has always called him "Pahka" (just imagine Boston...) And then we would say... "Who's Paco?"... "You know, the baby, Pahka." And voila! A nickname was born. He shall be Paco, at least to me. And probably my mom. The other kids told me they are going to call him Kevin. I'm not kidding.

He is super cute. In kind of a grumpy old man way, just like Jason. He's tiny compared to all the rest of the babies (except maybe Hattie, but who remembers back that far?) and it's really fun to have a baby who feels like a newborn. He even fits into newborn clothes and newborn diapers! As I mentioned, his face is a lot like Jason's was (grumpy old man) except it seems that his nose is bigger. Haha. Sorry Rick, he looks just like you! His hands and feet are huge (just like the rest of the kids were...) and his pinky toe does that crooky thing they all have, too (also comes from Rick's side, I'm not kidding.) The biggest difference is that he MAY (just MAY) have Cantu hair (my mom's side) because it is so far quite dark and THICK! The kids at birth have always had very thin, feathery hair. When I washed Parker's it got SOOO FUZZY! It was adorable. And he loves being clean. Yay! Just hope it doesn't all fall out and come in blond. Haha. Just kidding. That would be cool too. With Derek it happened around 3 months. Guess we'll just have to wait and see.

I've really been enjoying my time with just Parker, even though I haven't gotten as much rest as I truly need and would have liked. Oh well. The kids come home tomorrow night and then they are gone again this weekend. It has been much different without them around, but I've definitely needed to recover before I'm at full swing again. (Pain meds!!!!)

Mediation on Thursday. Rick hasn't seen the baby since Thursday. He's not interested in coming here to see him. He says he wants to do the DNA test when he drops the kids off tomorrow. Whoop-dee-doo. I know who the father is. :-P Oh well.

I am accepting that he's divorcing me. I don't like it. I don't want it. But I have to accept it eventually. I believe he's an idiot for giving up on his family, but if he never comes back... I will be loved again. And better. Either way, I know it will be better than it was. It has to be. I'm already better.

Gonna try to get some more pics up soon. He's growing so fast!! :-)

Indiana

I started writing this post on December 12, 2010.

IN MY OPINION, this is the biggest reason that our marriage is going to fail. Rick will vehemently deny that this is a factor IN ANY WAY. I am fed up with the way he has treated and is treating me and our children. I am tired of pretending to believe his lies. I am hurt that other people are supporting him in his lies, to the detriment of my family, my children. You can all believe what you will. I know the truth. Rick tells me I am "pitiful" and that I should "go find the love of [my] life"... Apparently he's finally found his.

***************

Almost immediately after our "separation" (June 18th) Rick admitted to me that he had gotten in contact with an "old (close) friend (who's a girl)" again. She was providing emotional support to him since she had been through a divorce years ago. She lived in Indiana. I didn't feel that it was a threat. He was getting support; he needed support.

Then, at the end of August, I was looking through my cell phone bill (which was excessively high) and noticed that he had spent over 9500 minutes on the cell phone. Who was he talking to? That seemed like a lot! So I went into the call history, and found a rude awakening. Over the course of the previous month, Rick had been on the phone with Indiana for anywhere from 3 hours to 6 hours to even sometimes 9 hours per day, every single day. Work days, weekends, days with my kids, early mornings, late nights, all of the freaking time... I was floored. This no longer seemed like innocent friendship and support to me. I was concerned. I confronted him. He denied. "Friend, friend, friend, friend..." was all I got. I tried to believe him. I asked him to remove his cell phone from the account so that I would not have the temptation to keep track of his contact with her. He transferred the cell phone onto her account "because she gets a discount on her service..." Hmmm. Whatever. Excuses. She was still in Indiana. How much trouble could this be?

Rick had been planning a trip over Labor Day weekend, and I suddenly realized that he must be flying back to Indiana. When I asked him, he said "Yes, but not for her. It's her aunt that's paying for it. The aunt really wanted to see me..." but of course he would see "her" while he was there. Hmmm. I tried to believe him.

The weekend after Labor Day, Rick had visitation with the children. I didn't find out until Sunday after church that "Indiana" had MOVED TO CALIFORNIA that weekend. He stayed in the same house with her, with the children, all weekend. The kids immediately fell in love with her 4yo daughter. Rick insisted he "didn't know she was coming. No one told me even last week when I was there..." Hmmm. I tried to believe him. I expressed to him my concerns about him introducing the children to another woman (EVEN "JUST A FRIEND") and begged him to NOT involve the children. I asked him to respect my request to keep her away from the children. He told the kids that they wouldn't be spending the night at that house any more because it was "inappropriate" now that Indiana lived there. He told me he would not bring the children around her. Both of those things were short lived.

The next Friday, he took the kids to the movies with Her, another friend (and his then fiance) and all of their children. Seemed like a date to me. I was flabbergasted. When I confronted him, he promised, again, not to do it again. Obviously, he wasn't being honest. It was the next day (Saturday, September 25) that I had my change of heart. He came over, I poured out my heart to him, and he was obviously conflicted. He told me he thought he was in love with Her. And he KNEW that she "truly" loved him. He spent the night with me. The next morning, she called him on the phone and I could hear him trying to comfort Her "No, it's okay, don't worry, it'll be alright... I don't know what to say... I don't know what to say..." "YOU ARE STILL MARRIED!" I screamed. "YOU ARE STILL MARRIED! THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY!" When I returned to the house, we sat down and talked. He admitted his confusion. He did not deny the relationship. He told me they had kissed "once"... I tried to believe him. That day, I met with his Bishop trying to get confirmation that Rick needed to stop contact with this other woman. At first his Bishop disagreed. He said that they were "just friends" and were allowed to be "friends". OMG. I was livid. Admitted romantic feelings and physical intimacy is suddenly being referred to as "just friends"? Holy cow! I left to speak with my own Bishop and tried to calm myself. I got a blessing. So grateful for my Bishop. I returned to his Bishop and had a much calmer conversation. "I looked it up again," he said, "and the Handbook DOES say 'no contact.' So, I told Rick that he needs to cut off contact with her." "Rick decided," he continued," to try to cut off contact as much as possible with you both." Supposedly he would pray on it and see what Heavenly Father would have him do. This was back in September. The answer he received at that time was that he could not return to me, to his family. He NEVER cut of contact with her. He has continued his "friend" relationship with her ever since.

Over the course of the following month (now into October) he continued to see her and her daughter on each and every visit with the kids (Wednesdays and Weekends) and two weeks before Halloween (Oct 15 - 17, he had the children with him) I drove by her house on Saturday night to find the van parked out front at 11:30pm. He obviously no longer cared about what was "appropriate" any more. They had spent the entire weekend there, sleeping over both nights.

November 1, Rick moved into his own 1 bedroom apartment. Now he had no excuse. He had "his own place" to take the children. He continued to see her (and her daughter) with each and every visit with the children. On November 8, I went back to old cell phone bills and realized that the hours long conversations started much earlier than I had thought - within days of our initial separation, before the move from Menifee, even. He had still been sleeping (and I mean NOT sleeping) with me regularly (even within minutes of conversations with her on the phone.)

Hattie mentioned that they had slept over Her place again on November 13, after he brought both Her and her child and our kids out for a visit with one of his friends and their family. Wow. I realized then that he was no longer pretending. Although he was still denying everything to me, he was openly telling other people that he "is in love with someone else and getting a divorce." Oh, the irony. I could relate so fully, yet I knew/know how WRONG it all was/is.

I didn't find out until December, but he filed for divorce the next Tuesday (November 16). It took another 3 weeks for me to learn of it and for me to be served with the divorce papers.

He admitted to ME at the end of Thanksgiving week that not only had he slept over at her place on nights with the children, but he had also slept there nights without the children. All since he had gotten his own apartment. "I didn't have a bed to sleep on yet..." I was no longer even trying to believe him. It didn't matter any more. He is too far gone.

I never saw this coming. My husband was the man who told me (throughout my entire marriage) that "we would always work it out. No matter what, he would stay. EVEN IF I CHEATED ON HIM." He no longer believes that. He always said "I will never get remarried." and "I would never even consider marrying a woman who has her own children." As I have said before, I do not even recognize him any more. He is not the man I thought I married. That man always said "Divorce is NOT an option, ever."

To this day he involves Indiana and her daughter in almost every activity they do as a family when the children are in his care. The children see her each and every time they are with him, every day of the visit. He tells them they are "friends" and she is "helping" him. I should be grateful he's lying to them. He has them the next few days (so that I have extra recovery time from GIVING BIRTH) and, according to the kids, she will be spending the night there with them. Yeah, that's totally appropriate. Guess it doesn't matter that he has told many many people that he is in love with her. I guess I should just be grateful he is getting help; he certainly needs it.

I am disgusted. Yes, I was wrong and have been wrong many times throughout our marriage. However, I ended the relationship I had, and have had no contact with him in over 6 months. I have no relationship with any other man, and I do not desire any other man. I do not believe anything I have done justifies this behavior on his part. I am still devoted to him and my family. He is divorcing me. That's the choice he is making. Although he continues to blame me 100%.

Grow up. Be a man. Take care of your family.

I don't know who this man is. I don't know what he is doing, or how he is making his decisions. Yet, Heavenly Father will not let me stop loving him. He is my husband, my eternal companion, and he will always be the father of my children. I may be able to find someone who will treat me better, but I will never be able to replace their father. They will always seek his love, attention, approval, and to that end I have to be willing to repair what has been broken. Heavenly Father will not let me stop fighting to put my family back together. My faith in Heavenly Father and my Love for my children are all I have left to guide me. They are both serving me well. My testimony is strong. My path is true. I will be okay. My children will be okay. I know these things for sure.

Class Act

So, when Rick arrived at the hospital on Thursday, I had another visitor arrive right at the same time.
"Hi Rick," she said, "Congratulations!"
What was his response?
"Yeah, whatever."

And he thinks I'm trying to save our marriage because I "realize what I've lost."

My children are the only thing that matters to me. And "what is best for them" is to have their mother and their father together. Committed to each other and the family. Showing them that sometimes love is about endurance, and doing the work. We'd have to re-commit, both of us. We'd have to change. I think its worth it. I think they are worth it. No matter how hard it is, how much it hurts, or how long it takes. What are they worth to Rick?

Obsessing

Do his friends really support him in NOT coming to see me or his newborn son in the hospital? Do the people in his life really think that the way he's treating me (and his baby) is okay? Right, even? Really? Because I do not understand a person treating another human being this way. Particularly not one's wife and newborn child. I just cannot comprehend it. Who are you? Who are these people?

Body Shots!

Superhero Baby!

We named Parker when I was pregnant with Jane. We had to pick out a boy's name, and Jason suggested "Peter Parker" (yes, like Spiderman) to us. Both Rick and I liked Parker, but not Peter. I had remembered that Rick's Grandpa Lloyd's middle name was Wayne, and, of course Batman is "Bruce Wayne" as well. I loved the idea of naming a baby Parker Wayne, and miraculously Rick agreed. I think it was the easiest name choice we ever made. Of course, Janey was a girl, so we didn't use it then, but once we found out this baby was a boy, it was a simple decision. I still liked the name and Rick still liked the name and we really didn't need to have another thing to fight over during this pregnancy. The separation was hard enough. So there you have it. Superhero Baby.

And I think he really is a superhero. He's very strong. He can already lift his head. On his belly, on my chest, he pushes up and looks around. Janey and Jason were both able to do that within the first day, but they were also both over 9 lbs! He's the smallest one and can still push himself up. So cute!

My brother Matt said that maybe he's like an ant and his strength will be ten times his size. Haha. So clever, that Matt. I guess we'll see.

Everyone keeps telling me that Rick will regret having not been here. I don't know. I hope so? I hope not? I don't think this could be any more difficult, emotionally. At least I know I am thrilled about Parker. He is truly incredible.

For the record.

After many years of my distractions, crushes, wandering heart, desiring other men, developing feelings (real and imaginary), being heartbroken, I eventually had an affair. Each time I let myself get distracted, Rick was well aware of what I was going through and never left. Yes, we had therapy and different therapists and attempts to fix what was wrong, but never did we (I/they) get to the heart of the matter or solve the problem. Never was I truly remorseful or repentant, never did I commit to stopping. This experience has changed me. I see so clearly where I went wrong. In no way was Rick the perfect husband or father. If I had it to do over again, I would likely choose differently. But I definitely now know that I was very very wrong in my thoughts, feelings and actions. I did not have the love, devotion, commitment I should have had to my husband or my marriage. I was completely, entirely selfish. However, I am now committed to doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to fix this marriage, to save this family. I have changed. I continue to change. Regardless of the outcome of my marriage, I have become a better person and a better mother because of this. And I am still working on me. Every day, every week. Is it too little too late for my marriage and family? Rick would say yes. I say it doesn't have to be. He would say that he was 'trying' all of those years. I say that 'staying' isn't the same as 'trying'. He would say that he gave me "chances" to change. I wonder, is it really giving me a chance, when I haven't asked for it? When I haven't offered to change anything?? Right now, this time, is the only chance that matters. Right now, he's withholding. Not just withholding on me, but withholding on his children. Depriving them of the "chance" of their family being whole, of their parents learning to love each other, of the true eternal union of their family.

He is hurt, he is angry, he is scared to take the "risk" that I will hurt him again. All I want is the chance to show him how different this relationship can be. To love him, and God, and our children like none of us have ever experienced before.

My heart is full.

I am so excited about this baby. Maybe I shouldn't be excited about the responsibility of another child, but I am totally excited about the joy. He is so perfect. It is such a miracle. My stepdad and I were talking this morning and reflecting on the fact that these first couple days are a really special time in a baby's life. Or maybe in a Mommy's life with a baby. I've always had this first day or two in the hospital with my babies. For some reason, this time, with Parker, it feels more profound, more significant. He is truly a special spirit to me. His presence in my life will always have a little extra meaning. This pregnancy was so unique in so many ways. It has been a turning point in my life. Whether or not my husband EVER chooses to come back to us (and most people would assure me that he will NOT EVER EVER EVER come back - based on his current attitude) my life from this point on will forever be different. I will forever be a different, better, more whole person than I have ever been. All of my relationships - with my family, my friends, my children, even any future partner - have benefited and will benefit for the growth and progress I have made during this time, both personally and spiritually. It is profoundly humbling.

Giving up control is the most difficult thing to do. At least I know that in God's hands, it's in good hands.

Pics of Parker!

Sorry I couldn't fix the orientation.

Anyone want to guess who's baby this is??

Rick

Sometimes I just wish I could get real responses to the actual things I say, instead of the same old "this is all your fault, I didn't do this, I can't change it" rhetoric. Maybe u need to wipe that slate clean and start over. Maybe you would get some truth then. See that there were 2 of us in our (bad) marriage and the two of us can still fix it. Make it good, loving, happy. I loved seeing u tonight. I'm ashamed to admit. I miss my husband. I miss us. I love you so much. I can't be any more sorry. You say its too late but it doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be.

That is the last text message I wrote to Rick tonight. Seeing him was so hard. He was clean shaven and dressed nice and I'm sure it had nothing to do with me. He held our baby, and I saw a glimpse of him, the true him. It was so difficult for me. My heart is aching. I have broken it again - silly me, loving my husband, even when he is so awful to me. Silly, silly me.

Parker Wayne

1/20/2011 2:39am
6 lb 10 oz, 18 in

My contractions began just after midnight. They felt pretty strong, but similar to what I have been experiencing the past couple weeks. I started keeping track at that point. 15 minutes apart. Dr. Lawton said they had to be 5 minutes... Okay. 11 minutes. Ouch, that one hurt a bit more. Hmmm, I'll wait for two more and then wake up my mom. 9 min. That one wasn't as strong. 7 min. Oh my ouch, they are definitely progressing. Now I need to go to the bathroom. Uh, oh, looks like I'm bleeding. It's bright red. The Dr. said I should expect some blood, but that doesn't seem right to me. So I woke up Mom and she told me to go take a shower... I did, and the contractions just kept coming. Like 2 or 3 in that 10 minutes. Ouchy ouch ouch ouch. I hear Mom blow-drying her hair. That's good. We're almost ready to go. Text Trina and Barb. Text Rick. OUCH! I could hardly bring my bags into the front room.

3 more contractions on the way to the hospital. Did I say I was going to try this without drugs? F that. Seriously. That's what I said. Give me the freaking drugs!

When the nurse checked me upon arrival (right at 2am,) I was 5 cm. I had never actually felt 5 cm before. Every other time I've gotten my epidural at 3cm. And we had to use Pitocin to progress the contractions/labor. Not this time! 5 minutes later the anesthesiologist was there. Nurse checked me again. 6 cm. Drug Lady started prepping and my contractions were right on top of each other. Barely a couple of minutes between the contractions. She got the needle in, and she inserted one dose, but she didn't have a chance to put the catheter in for the repeated doses before another (extremely painful) contraction hit me. I couldn't stop my abdomen from shaking during the contractions. The anesthesiologist was very very smart! She pulled out the needle and told me that the epidural would kick in in about 15 minutes. And it would last about an hour and a half. "That should be enough for you to have the baby." Excellent. Nurse checked me again (it took the anesthesiologist about 5 minutes to insert the drugs) and I was 8 cm. My doctor walked in. Chit chat. Prep. Doctor checked me, and broke my water. She looks up at me and says "Okay, you want to have a baby? Let's push on your next contraction..." What? Are you serious? I'm ready? Okay, let's go...

As we were getting ourselves ready I had another contraction. The epidural definitely took the edge off, but I could still feel things. Hmmm, this is interesting? Alright, lets get set. I pushed, but I wasn't having a contraction. Okay. I can wait. Haha. Here's one. Oh, by the way, I think I was at a +2 station or something ridiculous. Super high. So the first push was just to get the baby down into position. Excellent, here we go, for reals now. Deep breath. One, two, (HOLY CRAP I CAN FEEL THE HEAD COMING OUT! NO REALLY, I AM TEARING IN HALF!! oh wait, I have done this before, I can do this, I can do this, okay, I'm gonna go for it...) "AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH" I screamed really loud. No, that's an understatement. It was a primal experience. I kind of GROWLED or ROARED or something. I felt my body opening up enough to spit this baby out. People from outside came in to see what all the screaming was about. Oh yeah, that was it. One push, one scream. Welcome to the world Baby Parker! It was 2:39am. Forty minutes. The nurse still had to do all the admitting paperwork. About half an hour later I felt the epidural kick in all the way. Whoooooo Hooooo!

That's the story. He's an angel. I cannot describe the jubilation I felt/feel. Except I'm thinking exhaustion is starting to kick in.

Not sure how coherent this all was (I still haven't slept), but I wanted to let you all know... :-) Haven't seen Rick yet, but he HAS called to try to badger me into giving him the van so that his "friend" and her daughter will be able to fit in it while she is taking care of the kids for him. Oh, and he IS supposed to drop by this afternoon to take care of that DNA test. Proud Daddy that he is. I was trying SO HARD not to cry...

A couple pics of my "superhero baby":

Cross Your Fingers!

(but not your legs!)

3cm, 50%

Hopefully tonight or tomorrow or so...

Ready

I hate this part. Waiting for baby to make his appearance. I have contractions all night and half the day, but I'm still not in labor. Annoying. Hope it's soon. Seriously. Too much going on next week. Parent teacher conferences on Wednesday and Mediation on Thursday. If I miss mediation, everything gets pushed back even further. I need to see progress! Sheesh. So everyone think happy baby thoughts for me.

Side note, my kids are super cute. Well, besides the fact that Janey Jane did not sleep last night. Not that I was sleeping anyway, but still. She doesn't want me. Just wait til baby Parker comes, she'll want me even less. Anyway, her sleep performance was quite disappointing after sleeping completely through the night on Monday night. Three day weekend with Dad must've worn her out. Breanna, on the other hand has been cracking me up with her "writing". All the kids like to write and draw (they fill pages of those composition books with their work!) but Breanna loves to write most of all. She is particularly good at the letters B, P, and O. So, usually "Mommy, what does this say?" is either B-O-O-B or P-O-O-P. Awesome. They are soooo clever!

Hattie is loving the therapist after her first real visit last night. Much more in control of her emotions and communicating better already. She's nervous about baby coming. Aren't we all???

Feeling good today, after a visit with my own therapist. Despite him making me cry when he asked if I was still willing to work things out with Rick, even though he is so dark and negative. Yes, still willing. I haven't given up on my family, just for the record. I just try not to think about it. I have bigger fish to fry right now. Like having a baby...

Thanks for checking in!

PS. This is preggo me (belly shot!!) last Saturday. Sorry it's blurry, Mom doesn't have such a steady hand these days... 5 grandkids living here and all...

Welcome!

I have decided to invite everyone to start reading since I am no longer social networking via facebook or myspace. I plan to re-activate my Facebook account if/when the divorce is final. I haven't been above the radar for a few months now - getting myself under control and figuring out what's going on in my life. It's been an emotional roller coaster. The few friends who have stuck through it with me can attest that it has mostly been drama and a lot of lamenting ("Rick, Rick, Rick...") so most of you are probably grateful to have missed it. I am grateful for the support of those few.

Since I am beginning to get my head on straight, I thought it a good time to start letting people back in. I wanted to let everyone (anyone who didn't already) know what has transpired and where I am now. Let the chips fall as they may.

Expect new pics of the kids (from Christmas) up soon.

Please keep praying. It's never too late for a miracle. Although it would take a whopper of one to change Rick's heart, I am still willing to work through all of this mess with him. My kids, my family are my #1 priority.

Acceptance

Just as my husband finds it hard to accept that there is any goodness in me, hard to accept that I have changed and want a better life for us and our family, I have found it hard to accept that there is no longer any goodness in him, hard to accept that he has changed and no longer cares about what is best for this family, these children. It's disheartening. I still would love to keep my family together, but I have to accept that Rick's priorities are elsewhere. In every interaction with me he is cold, heartless, hateful, hurtful. I have not recognized him in a long time. Time to stop allowing him to control my emotions. Time to let him make his mistakes. It hurts to watch him hurting our children so readily, but it hurts them even more to experience me suffering. So, today, I'm letting go. Hopefully it lasts.

Still waiting for Baby to make his arrival. I hope it is soon. Seriously.

Jane just spit up all over her blankets in her bed. I pulled the bed coverings off, but the smell is lingering and making me sick (she shares her room with the computer) so I am going to try to make this short.

When Rick and I first separated, I wanted to avoid people "taking sides" in our relationship. What I have learned in the past 6 months is that people are going to take sides. There is no controlling that. As civil as we may want things to be, it is a disagreement, with two distinct sides. I've felt disappointed as I've watched friends who were mine drift away from me, and I've been elated to find the friends on whom I can truly rely, those I can truly trust. I have been honest with all of you from Day One. In my darkest times, I never pretended I was doing the right thing. Even before my repentance, I was well aware and willing to own the fact that I was being entirely selfish, that I was choosing my own wants/needs over those of my family. I feel differently now, but I know that even then I was still being honest with myself and those around me. I appreciate those who have stuck by me through my dark times.

I pray that one day my husband finds truth. I pray he finds forgiveness and lets go of the anger and bitterness and hatred he carries. I hope, someday soon, he chooses to be honest - with himself, with his friends, with his children - and takes responsibility for the choices he is making (not just about ending our marriage/family, but everything else too...) I cannot agonize over it, over him, anymore.

Baby Watch

I spent the weekend having contractions. Nope, no baby yet. I know it's early, but it's always early, and I always want it to be earliER. That's just the way of things. Week and a half at the longest, but I'm really hoping to pop by the weekend.

Fed up with the C-R-A-P from my husband. Having him try to tell me he is going to do the right thing, that he always ends up doing the right thing practically makes me vomit. That and the "the most important thing to me is my kids" and "I'll do anything for my kids" BS is getting old. If you'd do anything, why don't you try repairing your family? Oh yeah, that's right, you "CAN'T" because you refuse to try. Oh yes, and if any of you are actually buying the whole "platonic" line, then you are even more moronic than he is...

Hattie has her first visit with the therapist this afternoon. I am so grateful. She is struggling so much. My heart just aches for her. I listen and listen, but I am not a professional. I hope she finds it useful and can benefit from having another "outlet"...

I haven't stopped asking (begging, pleading for) Rick to try, and he hasn't stopped ignoring me. Just another day in paradise.

Regression

Ahh, and I was doing so well with "acceptance"...

I have reverted back to feeling devastated and desperate, trying to convince my husband of the error of his ways. Someone slap me. I'm banging my head against a wall; I've been crying for 5 days straight. Oh, and this baby is coming SOON.

I am grateful for my parents and all they are doing to help me. I couldn't survive this without them. They are a financial support as well as emotional. Plus the kids are completely destroying anything of beauty or value in their home. Ugh. It is so frustrating. But, I guess that's the least of my worries, really. Just extremely grateful right now. Especially with the imminent arrival of Baby #6. I am an emotional wreck.

Janey is sick, fevering, super uncomfortable, won't sleep. And she won't let me hold her at night (apparently sleeping on top of a bowling ball is not very comfortable, who knew?) - only my mom. So grandma has been up all night the past three nights taking care of baby. I've been awake too, but she's had to do all the work. Like I said, extremely grateful.

I still want to make my marriage work. Nothing has changed.

Filing the Response.

I met with my lawyer yesterday. It was much harder than I imagined it would be. Just like getting served with divorce papers. I thought I'd be able to handle it - I mean, I was expecting it at some point, really - but it hit me hard. So meeting with the lawyer to sign my papers for my "Response" was emotional. I cried. In the office. And the whole way home. I so do NOT want to be doing this. At all.

I take comfort in knowing that my heart is true in my intentions to save my family. I love my husband. I have hurt him immensely (and am currently being hurt by him immensely), but I do love him. I would do anything to take away what I've done. Anything to fix what I've broken. Anything to prove myself, earn the love and trust I so sincerely desire. It's a powerless state. And he is just angry. He is making decisions from his anger. He's unwilling to even consider reconciling for one second. It is devastating and frustrating. But I am 100% positive that I am following the path Heavenly Father has presented to me. I am following the Spirit. I have no doubt. And I know, without question, that Rick and I CAN put our marriage, our family, back together. If he so chose. He can love me again. We can be happy together. I believe it is what our children deserve. He just has to want it too. Right now, he doesn't.

A timeline. And a testimony. In case you are interested.

I haven't posted since February. With good reason.
During mid-April I began having an affair. A person from my past; It lasted about 5-6 weeks, mostly on the internet, with 2 meetings in person. Yes, there was "indiscretion". I am not proud of myself. I am deeply ashamed. But I am not going to pretend to be the innocent victim in this, given the current state of my family and relationship.
(As a side note, Rick started working again April 29.)
June 5 I found out I was pregnant. Yes, I am 99% certain it is Rick's baby since (after finding out about the pregnancy) his vasectomy was confirmed NOT CLEAR. He is officially completely fertile again/still. I am technically due Feb 9, 2011. However, given my birthing history, I will most likely deliver this baby by the end of January. That gives me about 6 weeks or so.
On Tuesday, June 8, after a (long) meeting with my bishop I decided to confess the affair to Rick and try to save/fix/commit to my marriage. Rick was initially on board with this plan.
June 13, I was disfellowshiped.
June 18, due to the emotional turmoil (constant roller coaster of fights, blame, desperation) in our household, I asked for a separation for us each to get ourselves together. My goal was (at that time) for us to come back once we had each gotten things straight in our minds and hearts. Rick began spending 3-4 nights per week in Brea at a family friend's house and in Glendale doing side work.
June 26, After Rick outed me/us on facebook we both agreed that maybe we weren't going to be able to save our marriage. We started talking divorce. For real.
July 11, The official move out of the house. Convenient timing on the short sale coinciding with our separation. I moved into my parents. Rick continued to stay (mostly) in Brea.
Over the next 2.5 months, we lived our own lives. Rick had the kids every weekend during the summer and on Wednesday nights. When school started we switched visits to every other weekend. We were both still certain that we wanted the divorce, but I could see how hard it was on the kids and began to ask him if there wasn't something else we could do? Could we just try? Had we really exhausted all options? Rick resisted even these (admittedly feeble) attempts, until Sept 21 - he sensed more sincerity in me, and maybe listened for a brief moment. It didn't last, and his resistance returned with vigor.
September 25, I had what I like to call a "change of heart" or perhaps a spiritual awakening. I woke up that day and it was the first time I felt truly, thoroughly, repentant. I felt the sorrow, anguish and hurt that I had caused my family. My heart broke for what I had done (not just with the affair, but with many of the choices I made throughout our marriage - being "distracted" was common practice and had been a problem for many, many years) to our family and to my husband. I felt that God had touched my heart and was insisting that I fight for my family. So much time had passed... but I was given hope and inspiration from the spirit.
My Facebook account was the center/heart of my affair and also the cause of much hurt to Rick. After I ended the affair, I entered a deep depression and used Facebook to emote. Many noticed my melancholy and showed concern for me, and I/we would explain my depression by blaming the pregnancy. However, this was torturous to Rick since he knew I was lamenting the loss of a "love" who wasn't him, and it was so unfair that he was put in the position to protect my "secret" after I had already hurt and betrayed him. I believe this was a large factor in his decision to use Facebook to hurt me back (on June 25th). Therefore, I canceled my FB account on Sept 25th, but then lamely reactivated it to solicit prayer requests for our family. I felt that the prayers that I had been requesting from my FB friends had entirely facilitated my change of heart. After much deliberation, I canceled FB for good on Sept 30.

Since that day (Sept 25) I have done, said, been everything that I could possibly do say or be to try to show Rick that I have changed, that I love him, that I would do anything to make our family work. He has not once been willing to accept any of my attempts. He ignores most all statements (mostly via text) I make regarding a hope or a belief in our family. He has grasped onto a vision (version?) of me that is evil, manipulative, and dishonest - with no regard for the woman he once loved, or for the realities of my good and bad qualities. No regard for my acknowledgement of my own imperfections and my desire to change and improve myself.

December 6th I found out Rick had filed for divorce almost 3 weeks earlier, on November 16th. I was served with our divorce papers that same evening. Being served starts the 6 month waiting period to finalize the dissolution of our marriage. The soonest we will be divorced is June 6, 2011. I still pray we never make it that far. Now begins the process, hearings, support, visitation agreements, etc. Blah, blah, blah.

I do not want to get a divorce from my husband. I want to do whatever it takes to fix my marriage and make/keep our family whole. I have changed. I have improved. I continue to progress - with therapy, with God. All I want now is a chance to put our family back together. A chance for us to begin working together to find love and happiness with each other. I KNOW that it is possible. With God, ALL THINGS are possible. I am the first to admit that I screwed up a lot in our marriage. But I refuse to believe that it was all bad, or that we cannot recover from this. We CAN. I disagree with the decisions that Rick is making for his life (and the lives of our children) right now, but I accept that I don't have any control over him. All I do now (and can do) is take care of my amazing children, read, study, hope, have faith, and pray. Mostly, I pray (well, when I'm not taking care of children!)... I hope that anyone reading this will join me in that effort. Put us in your prayers and/or your fasts. I pray my husband will have a change of heart and choose to start fighting for our eternal family again. I am sure that today he would tell you that he IS fighting for his family, but his eternal family is with ME - not alone, not with anyone else - there is only ONE WAY to fight for it, and that is to fight for our marriage.

It's been a month.

I know I had hoped to update before an entire month disappeared, but such is life. Considering how bad I've done in the past, a month is not too too bad!

For some reason it seems like this year is the busiest ever. All of the sudden, 2010 hit and we are swamped with activities and appointments. Rick still doesn't have a job, but somehow we are super busy all of the time. I looked at my calendar today and realized that tomorrow is the ONLY day in the month of February that we do not have something planned. Seriously? One day in the entire month without at appointment? I'm honestly not sure if the 5th kid or the unemployment or what is the deciding factor, but here we are.

School is going well. Last learning period (over the Holidays) we did so much slacking and then having to catch up. Not sure why, but this learning period things are going really smoothly. Seems like we're way ahead, and school days are NOT filled with stress and cramming. Lots of lighter type days. Just what we needed really! Going to start test prep pretty soon since Hattie will need to do the STAR tests this year. Will be much different not being in public school. They are so good at teaching to the tests, and I am not as confident of my abilities to guide her in test-taking skills. We shall see. Our first practice test is next Friday (the 12th). Think happy thoughts for us.

Looking over the latest post, I will briefly update. Yes, we got our car stereo and such installed that week. It is all wonderful and I still really love the new van. I've been driving the Nissan a lot lately because of errand running and Young Women's activities (my calling at church is YW Secretary now) I've been doing without children. It is nice. Not the car, just the opportunity to get away alone. Jason's arm is healing well and we have an appointment scheduled to get the cast off on February 11th. Since he broke it on January 9th, that is just about one month in a cast. Not too shabby. We are very proud of him. He never ever complains and has kept the cast (the original one, he never got it replaced with the black one!) very clean, considering.

If you've been keeping track, you will notice next week is already looking busy. Testing on Friday, cast off on Thursday... Derek has preschool Tuesday and Thursday, our Education Facilitator for homeschooling is coming Thursday, and Wednesday is DEREK'S 4th birthday. Am I going to say "They grow so fast!" at every birthday my children have for the rest of their lives? It is such a joy to watch this one grow, though. He was truly a happy and enthusiastic baby and toddler. Now that he is becoming a little boy, I look forward with such anticipation to see what he will become. My children are such blessings in my life.

Oh hey! Forgot to mention that we were able to find a dryer (generously donated by one of our babysitters' family! They had it sitting in their garage and just gave it to us. It also happened to be the SAME exact model of dryer we already had. Creepy. But such a blessing. So we've been able to dry our clothes the past month. Thank goodness!

Also, last week I was able to use our timeshare to take a brief (3-4 days) getaway to relax and recoup. Oh my, it was so nice to sleep, relax, hang out (and catch up) with some of my friends, and just enjoy the peace and quiet. I came home refreshed and happy, ready to start again!

While I was gone, Rick purchased the "INSANITY" cardio workout (off of craigslist for cheaper, whoo hoo) and we've started the 60 day program. Monday (the 1st) was our first day, and today I just completed the day 4 workout. I am totally loving it. I like the DVD (different workouts each day, today was a "cardio recovery" workout) and the people are NOT annoying. No super enthusiastic, smiley, chipper people. Just a hard-core trainer type. Perfect! I've been sore the past 3 days, and it feels good! Amazing how quickly it all comes back. Also, I didn't realize how HAPPY it would make me to start working out again. It's been about a year (since I got pregnant with Jane) and my body is craving it now. Everything in me is ready to be thin again. Hooray! I've already lost a couple of pounds, I'm sure. I'll do an official weigh-in weekly (like the biggest loser, which we've been watching, haha.)

Wow. This blog is super long. Guess that's what happens when the baby girls are napping and the older 3 are playing video games quietly downstairs. Makes me a little nervous about what ELSE they may be getting into, but oh well. It is worth it. Breanna just woke up and is ready for lunch so I am going to finish off here. Glad I could post so much today. Still hoping to get more on top of more regular updates. :-)

Just another brick in the wall.

So the Thomson household had a very eventful weekend. I was sick on Friday and decided to stay in bed all day and rest. I read the entire Twilight book and started New Moon. I was feeling better Saturday, but not 100%. However, I decided we would spend the day running errands as a family. We drove all over and accomplished a lot. We had dinner together, fed the ducks, and the kids had a blast playing at the park by the duck pond. In this pic, the older two are "trying" to be grumpy. Strange talent they have. Hattie looks shockingly like her mother in this picture... Hmmmm....


When we got home, it was about 415, and the neighbors were out riding bikes. The kids decided to stay out and play... I went into the house for about 10 minutes to rest a bit, leaving everyone else outside. As I was walking out to check on them all, I hear lots of screaming and crying (Okay, mostly Hattie) and "Jason broke his arm!". Here's the pic I took on the xray table:

Oh my goodness. I look down at Jason's arm, and it is hanging limp from about the middle of the forearm. Our neighbors volunteer to watch our two blondies, and Rick, Hattie, Jane and I accompany Jason to the ER. Apparently, Saturday was the busiest day of the year for ERs. Other hospitals were casting patients away and sending them down to Menifee. Oh my gosh. And my 5 year old sits with a broken arm!! The evening dragged on as Jason was called back to see and nurse, and then told to wait in the lobby again... called back for an x-ray, then told to wait again... called into a room to wait (and wait and wait) for a doctor (the one doctor assigned to the ER!!!) to see us. No pain medication whatsoever. And I asked everyone we met from about the 1.5 hour point to get him something. Nope. No one can call my Jason a wimp again! Finally the doctor sees us. Yes, it's broken (duh!) and yes, it needs to be fixed tonight (again, duh!!). But Menifee Medical Center does not do pediatrics and they'll have to transfer him. (What??? Couldn't you have told me that when I brought my 5yo in with a broken arm???) 20 more minutes pass. Doctor returns. Turns out that the orthopedist happens to be in the hospital as we speak, and he will fix Jason up tonight! Yay! Heavenly Father has been looking out for us. The (real) Doctor comes, talks to us, sets it all up. What a great guy... Sooo, finally, four hours after arriving at the ER (it was about 8:45pm) my sweet baby boy is wheeled away to get casted up. Whew. They had to put him under. Both bones in him forearm were broken clean through. (Wish I had pics of the xrays to show! So amazing looking!) And now Jason has a white cast.

He'll get a black one at his follow-up appointment on Friday. So much for resting up and Mommy getting better.

An uneventful Sunday led to a busy Monday with Rick on a trek to get a job. One job we've been working toward wanted him to interview (in San Pedro) so we decided to split up. He drove off to Long Beach, and I stayed in town running errands. We met up in the evening for dinner with my parents in La Habra. Sooo tired we all were!

Today we've been trying to catch up (with school - the kids managed to skip Friday and Monday) (with the house - always always cleaning!!) with everything around here. Field trip tomorrow http://www.rileysfarm.com/ for school. Super fun - we are really looking forward to it. Also, we've ordered our stereo/etc. for the van and are hoping to get that all installed on Thursday. Exciting and eventful week! Enjoy the pictures of my son's rubber arm. Hopefully I'll continue to keep this blog updated!

So much to say!

And not enough time...

New year's day we went sailing with Grandma Cyn and Papa Bill. You would think all of these kids do not fit on one sailboat, but we did it and managed to take 2 additional adults along as well (Cindy and her son Chris). It was a great day. Well, I was grumpy, but other than that, everyone else had a great time.



After sailing we went back and did some laundry since our dryer was still out of commission. (There are still two baskets of laundry there to this day - we'll have to pick them up on our next trip, Thanks Grandma!)

January 2nd was a busy day of running errands. Our friends (the family of one of our babysitters) had an extra dryer they weren't using and were nice enough to give it to us! We also went to the swap meet in Riverside and looked for seat covers for the new van. Didn't find them, but mom got sunglasses and a purse. Hattie got 2 pairs of shoes! And each of the children got to spend $1 on a little toy. It was fun. We went back in the evening for the Drive-In movie. It was our family's first experience at the drive-in and I think we survived it well. The kids watched The Princess and the Frog while mom, dad and Janey slept in the back. Then we switched for The Blind Side. The boys eventually fell asleep in the back, while Dad and the girls all stayed up for the movie.

Sunday was full with church and hanging around the house. And here we are on Monday. We were smart enough to make a list of things to do (last night) and have made it most of the way through! Feeling productive. It's our first day back at school after the Christmas break. So we are easing into action...

I hope this post made a little sense as I was trying to post a lot in a short amount of time. OH yes! We also got new next-door neighbors. They have an 8 year old girl, a young boy (maybe 4 or 5??) and a baby boy, 7 months. I think we can usually match most families child for child... We look forward to getting to know them more.

A New Year

And hopefully some new circumstances. If anyone is wondering why I haven't been blogging, well, I think it's because I don't want to be discouraging. Life is not getting any easier these days, and I hate to be a complainer or a whiner. Just the facts:
Rick is still unemployed. Almost 2 months exactly. We've signed up for WIC, and recently applied for food stamps. It's getting ridiculous. He's looking for work every day, but not having any luck.
On the brighter side, we now have an oven. My bff Laura found me a new, working oven for FREE that someone donated. So nice. So now we can bake again. Plus my grandma (Meme) gave me $50 for Christmas to replace my toaster oven. So nice. I am pretty happy!
More bad luck - The dryer broke this week. We were hoping it would be a pretty quick fix (replace the ignitor) but that didn't work. Now we're troubleshooting. No money to call someone in. It's starting to become an issue since laundry for a family of 7 piles up quickly. Thinking of investing in a clothesline. Especially today. The weather is so beautiful.
Also, I crashed my van on Dec 9th, and the insurance company decided to total it. After much stress, we found out that we will be getting some money back for it, so we can at least purchase a new vehicle. Good news is, we also purchased a new vehicle.


It is a 2003 Ford 350 Econoline 15 passenger. It only seats 10 since it has all captain seats. Like an airplane. So so so cool! :-) Just a little nervous about actually driving around that huge thing. Still adjusting. I'm sure I'll figure it out. Just takes time. And we were able to keep our rental until the day after we bought the new van. Worked out perfectly.

Christmas was great, thanks to a very generous church family. The kids didn't even know the difference, and the magic of Santa is preserved for another year. Hattie actually said - "This had to be Santa, because there's no way we could have afforded all this stuff..." Hilarious. And sad too. :-)

Still researching Rick's employment options and what direction we think he should be taking next. We are currently considering re-eduction as a lineman (high voltage electrician) and joining the coast guard as viable options. Life is stressful (to say the least). Not sure if/how long we will be able to stay in this house. Now that I've been saying that for 18 months, I'm not sure how convincing it sounds, but we've stopped paying the "modified" amount we're supposed to be paying. No income... Of course the bank still hasn't even assigned anyone to our account for the modification, so we're hoping to drift under the radar for a bit. That's the plan. It seems to be working so far.

It's New Year's Eve. Here's hoping we have a prosperous new year! I say "Welcome" to 2010!

Unemployed

Oh my. It seems like forever now since I've posted anything. The days are busy/packed in the Thomson household.

Rick was laid off on the 2nd. Going on 2 weeks now and still no work is quite distressing, but we are trying to stay positive... at least he's made some progress on the wall to the classroom! Next up: A Door! Yaaay! It has been a challenge for both of us adjusting to him being home. Fortunately we still love each other. Whew! That was a close one!

Homeschooling is still going well. I still struggle with Hattie - motivating her, and making sure she's LEARNING. I also just learned that Jason is almost at 2nd grade level in Math. Impressive! And I am a proud Mommy. Oh yeah, he's in kindergarten, in case anyone was wondering... :-)

Tonight Hattie is at rehearsal for her play until 8:30 (with Daddy) so I have a moment to catch my breath a bit. Although I have a bit of a cough so maybe not really catching my breath. At least catching my blog up a bit.

This weekend our ward at church went through a bit of a restructuring. They split two wards to create a third ward. We are still in the same ward, but we've lost a lot of the families that we used to go to church with. Kind of a bummer. I am, however, looking forward to getting a new calling and starting to serve (again). It's been about 2 years now! Plus our good friend was called as the bishop of our ward, so I feel really positive and happy about that. :-)

Fussy baby prevents any more revelation tonight. Hopefully I'll get on again before Thanksgiving!

TMI

Warning! Look away if you're sensitive to things that are overly personal or mildly disgusting...
1. Hemorrhoids are really painful. Like really, really painful. I'm just saying.
2. Rick's "surgery" did not work (yet?). Seriously!??! So now we have to do it 30 times in the next 6 weeks. That's 5 times a week, people. Holy cow. And there's always the CHANCE I could get preggo again. NOOOOO! So I'm making this information public so everyone knows it's still my husband's. Haha... For the record.

Going into a super busy weekend. Babysitter is coming at 3 today so Rick and I can go to his cousin's wedding. I love weddings. And we're leaving 4 kids. Hooray!

Happy Friday!

Post when you can...

It's only been one day, but I am up waiting for Hattie to get home from rehearsal and Rick is at work. Or on his way to work. Whatever. I figured I should just get another post in, even if it is boring and/or lame.

I was so extremely exhausted today. Didn't help that Rick was (of course) exhausted too, but he was such a stud. He got home and to bed around 4am. Jane woke up at 630 to eat and then would not go back to sleep. Since she woke up Rick, he got up at 7 and let me sleep in. What a saint. He couldn't get back to sleep anyway... But still... He did end up taking a nap while I left the kids with him to go run errands. Then he got up and cleaned out the garage. Seriously. I tried to tell him not to, but he insisted. Weirdo. He's better not complain about being tired at work! Sheesh!

I had actually wanted to go to bed when Jane went down and Rick left (about 830) but then I remembered that I have to wait for Hattie. And she has to do a treatment (asthma) when she gets home. Hopefully I'll be in bed by 10. Oh well. Much better than the 1am I did last night. That sucked.

My mind is drawing a blank so this is going to be short. Up early tomorrow for Derek's preschool. Then Rick is home - sleeping during the day and running errands with us in the eve - until Friday morning work. And we head into our busy anniversary weekend. I'm looking forward to getting costume supplies (on a budget) for the kids, even though they aren't sure what they are going to be yet. Well, that's not true. Derek is going to be Spiderman (Jason's old costume) and Breanna is going to be a flower. The big kids are still deciding. Hopefully we'll remember to take pictures this year. :-) Such bad parents.

Has it been a week?

I am trying harder to post more regularly. I think sometimes I have more to say in my head than I really want to make public. I do think about the possibility that "someone" could actually read this and know what I am talking about. So as much as I'd like for my blog to be my journal, I just can't bring myself to do it.

Our anniversary is coming up on Saturday. 10 years. I can hardly believe it myself. When we got married it was so shocking and upsetting to so many people, that we always said that we'd be the ones laughing in 25 years. We would show everyone that it was going to work. Now, I know that 10 years isn't 25 (or 30 or 50) but it is something. For some reason it feels like a significant milestone in our marriage. Maybe because the last 2 years (especially the last one!) have been so difficult. Still we are here, 10 years and 5 kids later. Still in love, still faithful, still happy (most days). Quite an accomplishment in my book.

I'm up late because Rick is working tonight (yes, still in LA). He won't be home until tomorrow morning, then he goes back to work tomorrow night. Then he works Friday during the day. Friday night we are attending a cousin's wedding. Saturday we have to buy costumes and take the kids to our church Halloween party in the evening. This will be our anniversary celebration. Sure, we don't really have money to celebrate, and it IS all about family (as Rick says). But whatever, I still want my dinner. :-)

Tonight I went to the movies with Jane. I found a free movie ticket in my purse and it expired on the 29th of this month. I saw Whip It (surely Rick is not interested in this movie!) and Jane slept through the entire movie. What an accomplishment! It was nice to get away and be alone (sort of) in peace and quiet (sort of). I came home refreshed. Which is why I felt up for a little late-night blogging. I'll be regretting in the morning when I have to wake up. At least I don't really have to go anywhere on Wednesdays. I can be a little lazy. Just a little.

House is still clean (going on a full month now!), laundry is still all clean and folded, dishes are done... I am a true homemaker. Hahahaha. Wondering why it took the 5th kid (and homeschooling?) for me to figure it out, but somehow I've done it and things are going well. I do enjoy having the downstairs clean. The upstairs is a little less consistent, but the downstairs is cleaned every single day. It's a miracle.

What else? Not much. It's a pretty boring life. Oh wait, kids say the darndest things:

Hattie: "Mom, what is "Desperate Housewives"?"
Me: "It's a TV show."
Hattie: "You should go on it."
Me: "It's not a reality show, Honey."
Hattie: "Oh. That's too bad!"

Seriously? I don't think she knows what "desperate" means. So I thought it was hilarious. Goes to show how much I like my reality TV when she assumes that all shows are things you can "go on". So funny!

Breanna is a crack up. She doesn't talk much in front of others (if she isn't used to you) but once she warms up she will give you an earful. Sometimes she chatters incoherently, but usually she is telling me about her "favlit" Daddy's tie, or her "favlit" bunny socks. This is my favlit age! So very cute! And that Breanna has such a charm, it is almost disturbing!

I think this post is long enough now, but hopefully I'll be back soon. Oh! And if you are reading this, please let me know, because sometimes I wonder why I bother... Thanks!

Friday

We survived another week, and although the house is showing signs of wear, it is still MOSTLY clean. I'm not going to complain, and I don't think Rick will either.

I met with my "teacher" for homeschooling and turned in my first two months of paperwork. Whoo hoo! Things are still going great. Feeling good about the progress and about the atmosphere around the house. I think (although she may not admit it out loud) Hattie even enjoys homeschooling. It has simplified our lives quite a bit. The play, however, has only complicated things. She is learning new songs (with harmonies) and dances and working her little butt off. Plus she has to learn songs for her "musical theater" class she is taking through the charter school. AND she's got singing lessons (and a December recital to prepare for) every week. Busy busy life.

Derek LOVES preschool and is doing so so well. We have discovered he is a very quick learner and enjoys his time at school. I think it'll be great to have him home next year doing Kindergarten (early). Hopefully Rick will have the wall to our classroom built by then. Maybe.

Life is good (however busy!) even though we are barely scraping by financially. We're crossing our fingers for a raise soon from Rick's work. No news is good news on the house. They aren't foreclosing on us, so only time will tell. We've been making our modified payments, but haven't heard anything about getting anything permanent done. Wait and see, wait and see...

October

Hasn't quite been a full month yet, so I'm not doing too badly on blogging. I've thought about it several times, but life is busy so I haven't gotten around to it until now.

Hattie auditioned for a role in the musical "Scrooge" and got the part of Kathy Cratchit. Very exciting since she has several lines and even gets to sing a little bit. Rehearsals are about three nights a week (6 to 9!!) so that has added another level to the "busy" we've been experiencing. Exhausting for Mommy, for sure! But we get to bring Jane with us and all of the ladies at the play love to dote on the newborn baby. It's fun (in a way...)

Homeschooling is still going very well. I love the flexibility and freedom of it all. I feel like we are getting alot accomplished in fairly short amounts of time. Hattie is still a struggle (about 3 days out of 5) but we are definitely settling into a bit of a routine. There are times where she cooperates! I have a meeting with my EF (Educational Facilitator) this Thursday, so I'm sure I'll get a better sense of where we're at. Everyone says the first year is the hardest and most confusing so I'm trying to be very lenient with myself. However, I do think we are doing a good job so far!

Some friends came over two weeks ago and helped clean my entire house. Since then I have gotten a very good routine going and have been able to keep it super clean! Rick has been very helpful and supportive, and even the kids have gotten into the act. Jason, I have learned, is an expert vacuumer. The babies do their best to help out when asked, and Hattie, well, she does her chores, sometimes...

Rick is still in LA, patiently waiting for better jobs to appear. At least the checks are cashing every two weeks, so I cannot complain...

Back in Action!

Oh my goodness! Has it seriously been almost 2 months since my last blog? Well, needless to say it has been a busy and overwhelming couple of months. The final weeks of my pregnancy were almost more than any of us could handle. We spent the weekdays in Orange County at my mom's house for fear of me going in to labor at any moment. School (homeschooling, yay!) started on August 24th, but I wasn't able to do a whole lot with the kids while I was on Baby Watch.

FINALLY, Baby Jane was born on September 2 (Wednesday, hooray! Now each of my children were born on a different day of the week!) weighing in at 9 lbs 7 oz. Still just under 2 weeks early. She managed to break her left collarbone on her way out of the womb. However, she is the most agreeable, placid, calm baby on the planet. This is good, since she's still almost more than I can handle. She only cries if she is hungry or dirty. The rest of the time she is asleep, or calming staring off into space. Whew!

Now that she is 2 weeks old, and my body is well into recovery... we are starting to get into our new routine. Even though we are homeschooling, I still find that we are quite busy. Derek is attending preschool (love Mrs. Edwards!) so we are up and out by 740ish on Tuesdays and Thursdays to drop him off. Hattie's musical theater class (they are performing a play called BUG-Z) meets Tuesdays at 1050 - 1150 and Derek has to be picked up at 11. Lots of driving around on Tuesday mornings. Jason's Learning Center class is on Friday at 940 - Art with a Story... But I do enjoy the chance to sleep in (a bit) on Mondays and Wednesdays. And I like not having to be as concerned with Hattie's strict bedtime since our mornings are not so early.

Homeschooling is a struggle as I am forced to fight with Hattie every day. However, I must admit it is better (or the same) as the homework fights we used to have. We're learning and adjusting together. I like to think it will get better. Or at least that some days will be better than others. Surprisingly, I have found that I enjoy having the kids home with me all of the time. I even regret when I allow them to go to their friends houses to play for hours on end. But I am not quite ready to be hosting their friends yet. Haven't quite gotten ahold of having 5 kids and keeping house and all of that. Not that I was much for house-cleaning before Jane, but I'm still trying to get better. I think it's working.

Post-baby is going well, also. The first week or so was really difficult, but I feel that I'm recovering pretty quickly now. The weight is still falling off - but I look forward to the time when I can start working out. If I can figure out a time for it. I'd LOVE to get back in the gym... I'd love to lose 30 or 40 pounds (again)...

Rick is now working in LA. Driving approx. 80 miles each way every day. No fun, but he's sticking it out hoping for some prevailing wage work in Orange County starting up soon... Luckily he got our neighbor a job working with him, so they have been able to carpool the past week.

Not sure what's up with the house yet. Still waiting for word. But we haven't been kicked out yet, so that is a blessing.

Baby is crying - it is rare so I'd better pay attention - so it's time to sign off. Until next time...

If I was a good mom...

...my daughter would never have to clean her own room.

...my kids would do crafts and have fun and not watch so much TV.

...I wouldn't hear "I hate you" and "I hate being in this family".

...my house would be clean, and all the clothes would get put away.

...the babies would nap, instead of being little nap-dodgers.

...I wouldn't feel overwhelmed so often.


But we take the bad with the good. Last month of pregnancy is always a struggle. I welcome any suggestions for coping.

BFF

Having Shawna around and having my new BFF Laura has motivated me to get a ton of things done around here. Last week Shawna and I cleaned up the front room completely. This task included re-organizing and re-bagging up the "too small" clothes and taking them to the DI trailer (approx. 15 white "kitchen" bags became about 9 black "outdoor" bags). Then, the same day, we cleaned out Rick's side of the garage and piled up the recyclables. We haven't gotten the recyclables to the Recycler yet, but we'll get there! Talk about PRODUCTIVITY! Today, Laura came over and decided (for some reason?) that we needed to paint. She even brought paint. So we painted the staircase. Well, the walls along the staircase anyway. Makes a big difference, especially as the paint covers the dirt, fingerprints, and marker drawings that were all over these two walls. Amazing. And I found our old paint from when we originally painted the walls and she did some "touch up" painting of marker drawings downstairs. So nice. So so so nice.

Now I'm tired, but Laura has taken Jason and Hattie with her to play with her kids. So Shawna and I just have the babies for a little bit. Nice little break. Sorry we let Breanna nap earlier. That would have been even more perfect. :-)

Random Thoughts, Some Days...

I don't even know how to start this. I spent this morning "motivating" the children to clean up upstairs. Their rooms got cleaned (twice now in a week!) and vacuumed, the hallway upstairs and the playroom also. Then Shawna and I moved the playroom furniture back into the playroom - reorganized to block off the portion I intend to use as a classroom. Rick will be building a wall (soon) so that the classroom is a real room and can be protected by lock and key. Until then we will have to make do. I am feeling exhausted and sore but accomplished.

Still have to head to the store and get a few little supplies to get things set up on the most basic level. Still feeling optimistic.

My next dr appt is tomorrow morning. 30 weeks. Can hardly believe I am almost there! Feels good though. And 5 definitely feels like a LOT!! haha...

Oh well, better eat something before I make my trek to the store. Luckily babies are down for naps and I can leave them with Shawna. Only two more weeks left before Shawna heads home. What will I ever do without her? :-)

Homeschooling, etc.

I am following through with enrolling the children at Julian Charter School for their Home Study program. Just need to complete the enrollment paperwork and get moving. Now I struggle with where and how to set up the classroom and when I can/should get started. Summer is quite busy in general, but I guess I'll have to learn to work around life and "stuff" at some point... Plus I'm deciding whether or not to keep Derek enrolled at a separate preschool. There are definitely pros and cons. I welcome opinions...

Seriously??

I slept really well last night. I had a nice hot bath, and then my lovely husband was kind enough to painfully rub the "walnut sized" knot out of my shoulder before I zonked out. His willingness was fortunate for me since it was already almost 11 when we crawled into bed. I am so grateful because it allowed me to relax enough to get a thorough night's sleep - and THEN the children all slept in. Well, Breanna did wake up at 5, but I (which this never ever ever happens with her!) was able to get her to fall asleep in my bed. Then she slept until like 7:30. Seriously! And Derek didn't come in to wake me up until 7:15! So I felt like a queen this morning. Good thing. It was a long day.

First off, Wednesdays are always long because Rick goes sailboat racing every Wednesday now. Usually the day is broken up by Hattie and my singing lessons in the evening and "the babysitter" will feed, bathe, and put the children to bed before we get back. Makes it not so bad. However, our singing teacher is on vacation this week and, therefore, we were all on our own today. Jason did have a Dr. appt, for which we got a sitter, but that was at like 3pm - no help at all with bedtime.

Sooo, since I slept so well and woke up in a pleasant mood, I thought I might take the children down to the Edwards movie theater for the "free kids movie". Today was Hotel for Dogs, which we haven't seen, and I wanted to see... I also decided to invite some extra children on the theory that they would keep my children happy in the movie and I could take care of the babies. Well, after the ordeal of getting everyone up and dressed and out by 845ish, I got to the children's friends' house and had to wait for them to get ready. Once we got to the movie theater they were sold out. I think this depends partly on the popularity of the movie, since in years past I have shown up last minute and still gotten seats. Or maybe there are just more people catching on...

No movie, I decide to take the children to the park. This, however, turned out to be a brilliant idea since they ended up playing PEACEFULLY at the park for over 2 hours. They could likely have continued that way until this minute if we didn't have to go feed them lunch and take Jason to the doc. Jason, it turns out, which I already figured, has a cyst on his back. The doctor said we could leave it or cut it out. Hmmm, my 5 year old voted for leaving it, so we'll just let it be for now. If ever we decide to, we can always get it removed. No biggie. Good to know.

By the end of this it is hot and I am tired and the evening activity (dinner, bed) is looming. Now I have barely survived all of that and have not yet heard from my husband. Usually I get the "I'm on my way call" about now. But his dad and brother are supposed to be on the boat with him today, so that could be distracting him from his wife-call. I will refrain from further comment.

My children were particularly annoying AND particularly adorable today, so I will take the good with the bad. Now that they are sleeping, they are all my favorites and I can get ready for a new day. I hope Daddy calls soon, since the call usually means another hour and a half before he's home.

Bananas

I seriously love that we call Breanna "Bananas". I think it's adorable and hilarious. And she responds every time. I had every intention of her nickname being Bree. I did. But I guess this works just as well, if not better. This will now forever be her pet name. And that is a good thing to have.

The House

So I called Chase AGAIN yesterday to see what is UP with our loan modification. We were supposed to be moving forward in this program starting in April, but I haven't seen any paperwork YET. I've been calling every two weeks and they've been saying, just wait, the docs could take up to 45 days. Really???? So I've been waiting. Finally I get a hold of someone yesterday and find out that we've been put back into foreclosure and our mod was canceled - WHAAAAAATTT??? Who are you people?? The girl I talked to was very nice. She REqualified us for the program and (HOPEFULLY?) sent out the paperwork. We should get it within the week. If not, I may lose my mind.

So, the new Obama program puts our payment down where we can afford it. And as long as we make the payments, we get to keep the house. After three months of making the payments we roll over into a permanent modification (from the trial period). So it is all looking pretty good. Still have to work out taxes and insurance, but that shouldn't be too hard considering all we've already endured.

At the very least, it feels like a relief to know that we can keep our house. As soon as we get the paperwork, I mean. Then it will feel like a relief.

Wednesday

Okay, so some days you just wake up ready to take on the day. Today I was awake (not UP, but awake) at 5am, mind-reeling with all of the many things I could accomplish. The homework struggles have re-ignited my desire to homeschool the children, so I've taken on a new task of researching my options. The playroom is currently cleared out, so I'm trying to get rid of the hockey table so that I can set up a classroom in there. However, FEELING motivated and actually being able to accomplish anything are two separate things, so I am sitting here overwhelmed and discouraged. Not by the homeschooling prospect (which still feels like a great idea) but by parenting in general.

Getting up and getting ready for school has been a challenge all its own in our house, and I recently charged Hattie with the responsibility of getting herself up and ready. Today she decided to sleep in and I tried very hard to not get involved. At about 7:05 I reminded her that maybe she should get dressed and ready. (We usually leave for carpool at around 7:20 and school starts at 7:40) She dawdled and dawdled and ended up at about 7:17 with no shirt, no shoes, no breakfast, no lunch. With a great deal of yelling we managed to get her set up with clothes, shoes (way too small! sorry!), breakfast and lunch and out the door at about 7:33. It was ugly. She did, however, calm down by the time we picked up her friends and dropped them all off at school. She even told me she loved me (whew! quite the contrast to the many "I hate you"s I've heard lately). Oh my gosh, so much for my positive outlook on the day.

Just now we all got to listen to about 20 minutes straight of Derek screaming and crying. I'm not sure why he's decided this is the most effective way of communicating, but he's become quite proficient at it. Part of his problem this morning was that he wanted someone else to search for toys for him to play with. The playroom is all packed up in the "baby room" so the toys are piled in bins. I kept telling him he had to find his own toys, but that was not sufficient. Oh my goodness, the CRYING AND SCREAMING! I will myself to ignore it, but it still wears me down!

Jason's obsession/addiction to computer games has also been part of my inspiration to get moving on homeschooling. I can't keep letting him wasted hours playing on the computer. As easy as it is for me, we have to find a more constructive way of doing things around here. Plus, Hattie is capable of so much more than she is accomplishing at school these days. The Final Report they've been assigned seems to be way too easy for her. So she is having trouble getting motivated and I'm having trouble dealing with it all. She won't include things in the report because "everyone already knows that". Duh. That's the point of writing the report. But I sincerely believe she needs to be challenged more. She just found out she gets to move up to reading 5th grade books. For a second grader, I think that's pretty good - and she's the only one in her class!

So, my plan is to get this "classroom" set up over the next week or two. Then start school July 7 and see how things go. If I can start Hattie on a 3rd grade curriculum and Jason on Kindergarten and some sort of preschool for the babies, then we should all be busy and entertained enough. And we'll have a good month or so to see how it goes. To ease into it before public school starts and we can make a permanent decision about SCHOOL then. I'm a little concerned about making the investment, but I think it'll be worth it. And I've thought about homeschooling so many times that I don't know how long I'm going to be able to put it off anyway.