Indiana

I started writing this post on December 12, 2010.

IN MY OPINION, this is the biggest reason that our marriage is going to fail. Rick will vehemently deny that this is a factor IN ANY WAY. I am fed up with the way he has treated and is treating me and our children. I am tired of pretending to believe his lies. I am hurt that other people are supporting him in his lies, to the detriment of my family, my children. You can all believe what you will. I know the truth. Rick tells me I am "pitiful" and that I should "go find the love of [my] life"... Apparently he's finally found his.

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Almost immediately after our "separation" (June 18th) Rick admitted to me that he had gotten in contact with an "old (close) friend (who's a girl)" again. She was providing emotional support to him since she had been through a divorce years ago. She lived in Indiana. I didn't feel that it was a threat. He was getting support; he needed support.

Then, at the end of August, I was looking through my cell phone bill (which was excessively high) and noticed that he had spent over 9500 minutes on the cell phone. Who was he talking to? That seemed like a lot! So I went into the call history, and found a rude awakening. Over the course of the previous month, Rick had been on the phone with Indiana for anywhere from 3 hours to 6 hours to even sometimes 9 hours per day, every single day. Work days, weekends, days with my kids, early mornings, late nights, all of the freaking time... I was floored. This no longer seemed like innocent friendship and support to me. I was concerned. I confronted him. He denied. "Friend, friend, friend, friend..." was all I got. I tried to believe him. I asked him to remove his cell phone from the account so that I would not have the temptation to keep track of his contact with her. He transferred the cell phone onto her account "because she gets a discount on her service..." Hmmm. Whatever. Excuses. She was still in Indiana. How much trouble could this be?

Rick had been planning a trip over Labor Day weekend, and I suddenly realized that he must be flying back to Indiana. When I asked him, he said "Yes, but not for her. It's her aunt that's paying for it. The aunt really wanted to see me..." but of course he would see "her" while he was there. Hmmm. I tried to believe him.

The weekend after Labor Day, Rick had visitation with the children. I didn't find out until Sunday after church that "Indiana" had MOVED TO CALIFORNIA that weekend. He stayed in the same house with her, with the children, all weekend. The kids immediately fell in love with her 4yo daughter. Rick insisted he "didn't know she was coming. No one told me even last week when I was there..." Hmmm. I tried to believe him. I expressed to him my concerns about him introducing the children to another woman (EVEN "JUST A FRIEND") and begged him to NOT involve the children. I asked him to respect my request to keep her away from the children. He told the kids that they wouldn't be spending the night at that house any more because it was "inappropriate" now that Indiana lived there. He told me he would not bring the children around her. Both of those things were short lived.

The next Friday, he took the kids to the movies with Her, another friend (and his then fiance) and all of their children. Seemed like a date to me. I was flabbergasted. When I confronted him, he promised, again, not to do it again. Obviously, he wasn't being honest. It was the next day (Saturday, September 25) that I had my change of heart. He came over, I poured out my heart to him, and he was obviously conflicted. He told me he thought he was in love with Her. And he KNEW that she "truly" loved him. He spent the night with me. The next morning, she called him on the phone and I could hear him trying to comfort Her "No, it's okay, don't worry, it'll be alright... I don't know what to say... I don't know what to say..." "YOU ARE STILL MARRIED!" I screamed. "YOU ARE STILL MARRIED! THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY!" When I returned to the house, we sat down and talked. He admitted his confusion. He did not deny the relationship. He told me they had kissed "once"... I tried to believe him. That day, I met with his Bishop trying to get confirmation that Rick needed to stop contact with this other woman. At first his Bishop disagreed. He said that they were "just friends" and were allowed to be "friends". OMG. I was livid. Admitted romantic feelings and physical intimacy is suddenly being referred to as "just friends"? Holy cow! I left to speak with my own Bishop and tried to calm myself. I got a blessing. So grateful for my Bishop. I returned to his Bishop and had a much calmer conversation. "I looked it up again," he said, "and the Handbook DOES say 'no contact.' So, I told Rick that he needs to cut off contact with her." "Rick decided," he continued," to try to cut off contact as much as possible with you both." Supposedly he would pray on it and see what Heavenly Father would have him do. This was back in September. The answer he received at that time was that he could not return to me, to his family. He NEVER cut of contact with her. He has continued his "friend" relationship with her ever since.

Over the course of the following month (now into October) he continued to see her and her daughter on each and every visit with the kids (Wednesdays and Weekends) and two weeks before Halloween (Oct 15 - 17, he had the children with him) I drove by her house on Saturday night to find the van parked out front at 11:30pm. He obviously no longer cared about what was "appropriate" any more. They had spent the entire weekend there, sleeping over both nights.

November 1, Rick moved into his own 1 bedroom apartment. Now he had no excuse. He had "his own place" to take the children. He continued to see her (and her daughter) with each and every visit with the children. On November 8, I went back to old cell phone bills and realized that the hours long conversations started much earlier than I had thought - within days of our initial separation, before the move from Menifee, even. He had still been sleeping (and I mean NOT sleeping) with me regularly (even within minutes of conversations with her on the phone.)

Hattie mentioned that they had slept over Her place again on November 13, after he brought both Her and her child and our kids out for a visit with one of his friends and their family. Wow. I realized then that he was no longer pretending. Although he was still denying everything to me, he was openly telling other people that he "is in love with someone else and getting a divorce." Oh, the irony. I could relate so fully, yet I knew/know how WRONG it all was/is.

I didn't find out until December, but he filed for divorce the next Tuesday (November 16). It took another 3 weeks for me to learn of it and for me to be served with the divorce papers.

He admitted to ME at the end of Thanksgiving week that not only had he slept over at her place on nights with the children, but he had also slept there nights without the children. All since he had gotten his own apartment. "I didn't have a bed to sleep on yet..." I was no longer even trying to believe him. It didn't matter any more. He is too far gone.

I never saw this coming. My husband was the man who told me (throughout my entire marriage) that "we would always work it out. No matter what, he would stay. EVEN IF I CHEATED ON HIM." He no longer believes that. He always said "I will never get remarried." and "I would never even consider marrying a woman who has her own children." As I have said before, I do not even recognize him any more. He is not the man I thought I married. That man always said "Divorce is NOT an option, ever."

To this day he involves Indiana and her daughter in almost every activity they do as a family when the children are in his care. The children see her each and every time they are with him, every day of the visit. He tells them they are "friends" and she is "helping" him. I should be grateful he's lying to them. He has them the next few days (so that I have extra recovery time from GIVING BIRTH) and, according to the kids, she will be spending the night there with them. Yeah, that's totally appropriate. Guess it doesn't matter that he has told many many people that he is in love with her. I guess I should just be grateful he is getting help; he certainly needs it.

I am disgusted. Yes, I was wrong and have been wrong many times throughout our marriage. However, I ended the relationship I had, and have had no contact with him in over 6 months. I have no relationship with any other man, and I do not desire any other man. I do not believe anything I have done justifies this behavior on his part. I am still devoted to him and my family. He is divorcing me. That's the choice he is making. Although he continues to blame me 100%.

Grow up. Be a man. Take care of your family.

I don't know who this man is. I don't know what he is doing, or how he is making his decisions. Yet, Heavenly Father will not let me stop loving him. He is my husband, my eternal companion, and he will always be the father of my children. I may be able to find someone who will treat me better, but I will never be able to replace their father. They will always seek his love, attention, approval, and to that end I have to be willing to repair what has been broken. Heavenly Father will not let me stop fighting to put my family back together. My faith in Heavenly Father and my Love for my children are all I have left to guide me. They are both serving me well. My testimony is strong. My path is true. I will be okay. My children will be okay. I know these things for sure.