Alone

Tuesday. Halfway through my "week on" with the kids. I LOVE having them around - LOVE, LOVE, LOVE seeing them, hugging them, chatting with them every single day. However, this is exhausting work. Six kids is A LOT. And I reflect back to married life, reflect on how I felt, doing this job. I must admit, at least now I am not expecting any recognition, love, or appreciation. I was so desperate for that type of validation from my husband, and never was I sufficiently full. I realize now that I needed to be full from the inside. I needed to know my own value and worth as mother, wife, woman without relying on someone else to convince me. And Rick was never going to be able to convince me of something he himself did not believe. As our marriage progressed, he grew increasingly resentful of my worthlessness. I recently learned that the final two years that we were together, his resentment was being fueled by his bio-dad who never liked me anyway. Of course not - I am a strong minded woman with thoughts feelings and beliefs of my ow. I made a perfect scapegoat for escaping my marriage. Yes, I cheated on my husband. My husband had already shut himself off to me. He admitted in counseling in 2009 that he "couldn't" be emotionally open. I can't blame him for my bad choices, but my marriage was over long before I had my affair. I understand his rationalizations, I do. If I was in his position, I'd blame me too. I just don't think I would've responded in kind. Ah heck, maybe I would've, but at least I would've told the truth...

So now I am in a new place. It is natural for me to long to have a partner. Rick and I were never partners. He wasn't an independent thinker. He tried to do "the right thing," do "what he was told," but he was never my partner. We were not a team. We worked for ourselves, we sometimes worked for each other, but we didn't work together. I was aggressive-aggressive and he was passive-aggressive. Made blaming me for EVERYTHING so much easier.

So. Were my "expectations" unreasonable? Did I ask too much of my husband? Of Rick, maybe I did. Maybe he was never capable of meeting my needs, fulfilling me emotionally. Maybe he just wasn't capable, isn't capable. Is anyone? I have to believe someone is. Rick is not the only man in the world. Thank goodness. At this point, he is no prize. And this is a tough job. If I am with anyone, he will have to be my partner. We will have to be a team. I am capable of love and relationships like never before. Not just for a husband, either. More importantly, for my children, with my children. They are my whole life.