I still spend a lot of time and energy thinking about my husband. I wish I didn't. I wish I could just let it all go, move on, forget the pain, forget what could have been. Ah, it is so frustrating.
The truth is I spend a lot of my thoughts on contemplating what went wrong. What on earth went so very wrong in my marriage? Am I just a terrible person who ruined the most wonderful thing I had in my life? I find that hard to believe. Most of the time. Sometimes, I want to believe I deserve every painful moment I endure, but really, I know better. I did not have the perfect life.
My husband loved me. He really, truly loved me, and for that I feel extremely guilty. I know that what I did to him, the ways that I hurt him, devastated him to his core. I wish I could change that, but I can't. Our marriage, however, was not perfect. He was in no way the perfect husband or father. He was completely incapable of meeting my emotional needs. Our relationship was based on the idea that we both wanted it to be perfect and happy, but neither of us really understood what it took to make that happen. Maybe my needs were greater than he could handle. Maybe I didn't know what they were or how to communicate them. I have certainly learned a lot about my "issues" in the past year and a lot about my insecurities. I see so much more clearly how Rick and I played into each others' insecurities to perpetuate the myth that was our "perfect" family. I see him doing it again with his "new" wife. It scares me. For their sake, and for the sake of our children. He thinks he's "finally" setting the example of a great loving relationship, but in reality he is re-creating what we had with someone else. They will have their own problems. It is sad.
As I gain insight, confidence, and understanding of what happened in my own relationship, it gets me thinking about the future. What do I want in a future relationship? What do I need for my kids, myself, my family as it now stands? How does a woman find the one to fill that space in this situation? How does he find us?
So many people have told me, and continue to tell me "Don't Settle." I'll be honest in that I don't really know what that means. If any of you do, please tell me, I am still trying to learn...
3 comments:
"Don't settle."
I think that if at some point you realize you are dismissing, or about to dismiss, your core values and goals, you're settling. Goals and values change for some, I think - and maybe even for most, if even only slightly - and so you can start out with the feeling that you're not settling, but you end up feeling like you are settling at some later date.
Maybe that's why longevity in relationships seems so impossible; our paths and personalities are ever changing.
I'm praying for you that the tumultuous emotions can calm to a more steady, firm foundation for you. That the divorce can proceed quickly so you're not constantly confronted with visual reminders/memories to constantly mull over & berate yourself over, let alone feel berated by others. I'm praying for you to feel strengthened in your motherhood so those moments carry you through everything else. I know you still enjoy these moments. I know they come to you at the right times. I just hope that you can be comforted during the tougher times. Wish I was there to comfort you in person.
Post a Comment