Boundaries

I honestly think...  that if Rick had said to me "If you ever cheat on me, I will leave you" then I would not have cheated.  Instead, he said "If you ever cheat on me, I will stay, and we will work it out."

I am not blaming him, but I have learned something very very important about my character.  I work within the boundaries that are set.  Yes, the rules within the church and the covenants and all that say that we are supposed to be faithful to our spouses.  Duh.  Of course I was wrong.  However, I took at least six years pushing the edge of that envelope, testing my boundaries to see how far things could go, to see how far I would go.  This is the definition of being subtly overcome by the spirit of the adversary.  I believe, in A SENSE, that I was given that permission by my husband, and I felt compelled to test it.  His words always told me that he loved me enough to overcome anything, even this.  I always questioned that love.  I did not trust it.  I felt less than, undeserving, unloved, and I was constantly searching for validation (in all the wrong places!!) While I was married, I never REALLY found it.

With Chris, I thought that I had found exactly what I needed.  He was also a guy who said what I wanted to hear.  He bolstered me up with his loving words.  I believe he knew me.  At least, he knew me better than Rick ever did.  But I honestly do not know if he truly loved me.  I doubt it.  Maybe he thought he did, but I'm sure what I felt for him was not love.

After my separation, my brother Andrew reminded me of an article I had cut out of the newspaper in my 20s.  It had been laminated, highlighted, and doodled on with a bright red marker.  The title of the article, presented in Dear Abby, was "Is it Love or Infatuation?"  Drew told me that he was always so surprised by the path I had chosen knowing that this article sat on my wall for YEARS before I got married.  I was very smart, but the romantic in me took over.  I did it all wrong...

I just found a copy:

Is it love or Infatuation?
Infatuation is fleeting desire - one set of glands calling to another.
It is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager but not genuinely happy.
There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about the relationship that you would just as soon not examine too closely.
It might spoil the dream.
Love is friendship that has caught fire.
It takes root and grows, one day at a time. Love is quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection.
It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved.
You are warmed by his presence, even when he is away.
Miles do not separate you.
You have so many wonderful films in your head that you keep replaying.
But near or far, you know he is yours, and you can wait.
Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing him."
Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together, you hope it will end in intimacy.
Love is not based on sex. It is the maturation of friendship that makes sex so much sweeter.
You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence. When he is away, you wonder if he's being unfaithful. Sometimes, you check.
Love means trust. You are calm, secure, and unthreatened.
He feels your trust, and it makes him even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret, but love never steers you in the wrong direction.
Love is elevating. It lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you better than you were before.
- printed in Dear Abby 


In my research, I also found this, from another Dear Abby article:

IS IT LOVE OR ISN'T IT?

It takes a level head to control a foolish heart.

Can you love someone at first sight? This crazy mixed-up version is better known as infatuation at first sight. Infatuation can possibly be the first step toward love, but in itself, it is not love.

Love itself is built on inner realities. Through experience and a few more infatuations, one acquires a second and better sight. So mature love should be called "love at second sight."

Mature love means liking a person as well as loving. If the most important part of your relationship is physical (making out) and you don't seem to have much to talk about, face it, it's just a physical attraction, and you're really not a very good combination if you're thinking about a lifetime relationship.

How do you know if you're in love? To ask if it is love indicates doubt. Love is sure.

Don't confuse enduring and lasting love with puppy love. (That's the kind that usually gets you into an emotional doghouse.)

Love is giving, not taking. It wants the best for the one you love.

Love is on the go. It makes you want to charge out into the world and do as well as think big. It doesn't keep you inert, day-dreaming and cooped up with only one person.

Love wants to share. To the one you love, you give your thoughts and your dreams. A new happiness comes with sharing. Mature love is honest and open.

Love doesn't know what time it is. During your teens, you will have had a litter of puppy loves. But as time goes by, and you learn more about the object of your affections--and your love seems to grow not weaker but stronger--maybe the real moment has come.

Now I've gone off on a tangent, but, I think, a good one.  Next time, it will truly be love.  Next time, I will do this right.