This Just In - History, Rewritten.

The story my ex's wife tells my kids is that they (Rick and Carolyn) were "dating" and they were "best friends" for many years.  Then they "broke up." Two weeks later she found out he had married me.  Hmmm.... So now, I somehow got between them all those years ago??  LOL.

If that was true, why did he never mention that romantic relationship to me, his wife and mother of his children?  The night of our first date, he actually had ANOTHER date with someone else, not her.  We went to lunch together, he left to go out with someone else, and then he met up with me later.  The only reference he ever mentioned to me of her - throughout our ten years together - was that she was always in love with him.  She and he were friends. She would come to his window in the middle of the night and they would go walk and talk for hours.  But he was never interested in her as anything more than a friend.  He was not attracted to her.  The way he explained it, she was his reliable "friend" that he resorted back to whenever he didn't have a real girlfriend.

I mention it because it surprises me.  Revisionist history.

I mention it because it hurts my children - the idea that I somehow prevented their happiness all those years ago. Just another way to shift responsibility.

IF HE WANTED TO MARRY HER BACK THEN, HE WOULD HAVE.
HE MARRIED ME.  I WAS HOTTER, THAT'S ALL HE CARED ABOUT.
DUH.

I hurt him.  I destroyed him.  And he went running back to Old Reliable. (And he became a liar.) More power to them both.  Please stop lying to our children.

Vicious

The first time I got my heart broken, I was called "vicious."  His name was Matt Stevens, it was 1998, and I had honestly thought I was going to marry him.  His word cut through me, and has always stayed with me, to this very day.

Rick has called me many things, and I'm sure the word "vicious" would probably sum them up.  I can be truly awful when I am hurt.  I attack back in a VICIOUS way.  Especially when I have a bit of a talent for words.

Last night, Brian told me I was "mean."  It was the same.  He may as well said I was vicious, but he also told me that I might be the nicest, most giving, generous, thoughtful person he has ever met.  There is definitely a mean, vicious side to me, but in my heart I am good and I care about people.

It is about time that I explore this a little more.  Time to let go of the vicious in me.

(Brian - I hope you are not bothered by this mention, or by my obvious paraphrasing of your words.)

Leap Day

Gosh, I want to have something to say.  And I have a lot of thoughts running through my head, but I'm not sure what to address.

Therapy with the kids today.  Hattie doesn't like that Brian disciplines them when they misbehave.  Interesting.  "Brian should be nicer, like Carolyn."  Haha.  Brian is possibly the nicest person I know.  Turns out, Carolyn doesn't discipline the kids.  She only disciplines Norah.  Makes sense, then, that she is SUPER DUPER NICE.

Jason says he "always hurts people's feelings" when he's at his dad's house.  Specifically, he was referring to a time that he "hurt Carolyn's feelings without knowing it."  Dad came to him and told him that he had hurt her feelings.  Jason had to apologize, but he "didn't think she actually forgave" him.  What was his sin???  He asked her "Why do you always wear sweatshirts?"  He still does not understand why he got in trouble for that, AND she never answered him...

Hattie says she'd much rather have Carolyn as a stepmom than have Brian as a stepdad.  Jason says he'd much rather have Brian as a stepdad than have Carolyn as a stepmom.  Interesting.

Of course, this is all from the perspective of a 10 and 7 year old.  What do they know?

Spies

Why are my ex-husband's friends STILL reading my blog?  He has made it clear to me that he is NOT INTERESTED in whatever I might have to say.  So, if he's not listening to their "spin" of my posts, then what is "in it" for them?  If you care about my family, why were you not supportive of our temple marriage, when I was trying to repent of my wrongs?  Why do you not recognize the people who are ACTUALLY TAKING CARE OF our children, physically and financially right now???  Once again (still) I find it strange that these people do not communicate with me directly, are in full support of Rick and his "new wife/life" but somehow are nosey enough to read my blog on a daily basis.  So sad.

Partner

I can be attracted to someone, see their good qualities, want to help them succeed and achieve, but that does not make them appropriate to be my partner.

Deciding to end a relationship based on what is best for me, my family, our future is still sad, difficult, devastating.

I am in mourning today, but your response has only strengthened my decision.  Your attacks have only shown that it is time for me to stop waiting, start moving forward.  Stop limiting my own progress, start ahead unencumbered.

I don't have to settle.  I am worthy of all I desire.

Doubt

You doubted me, so I began to doubt myself (again.)  We doubted my ability to change, to be different, to be more and better than I have ever been.  Self-doubt leads to self-abusive thoughts.  Maybe Rick is right.  Maybe he's been right all along...

I stop myself before I head too far into the chasm that is my nihilistic self.  Remember your anchor; Remember your God!  I am everything I hope to be.  I can be anything I choose to be.  Good, bad, right, wrong, happy, unhappy.  God is in control, not you, not that other guy, not even me.

Word of Wisdom for today...

“To strengthen our relationship with God, we need some meaningful time alone
with Him. Quietly focusing on daily personal prayer and scripture study, always
aiming to be worthy of a current temple recommend—these will be some wise
investments of our time and efforts to draw closer to our Heavenly Father. Let us
heed the invitation in Psalms: ‘Be still, and know that I am God.’”

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Ensign, November 2010

DailyWOW 2/24/2012

Some days

I struggle to find something profound to say when I am neither on an emotional high or an emotional low.  Fact is, some days are just days where I am trudging through just like everyone else.  Well, maybe not JUST LIKE everyone else, but you get the idea.

I'm tired today.  Last night was NOT a good night for sleep, as I found myself getting up with Paco (twice), Breanna, AND Jane at different points of the night.  Somehow, I was up the entire hour between 3:30 and 4:30.  Six AM came quickly, and I'm pretty sure none of us wanted to get moving today.  Some days are just like that.

I got the three biggest to school and upon arriving at Breanna's preschool, realized she was without shoes.  She just hadn't put any on.  Back home and she ended up going to school with two right feet.  I am not kidding.  They were both black "church shoes" but totally mismatched.  Some days are just like that.

Back home for a bit and then off to the new house to deliver a check to the plumber.  In the meantime I had to straighten up the house as much as I could since it is cleaning lady day.  Dropped the check, got the invoice, checked out the new pipes (whoohoo) and decided to try a stab at our Thursday playdate with the girls from church.  Every Thursday at 11:30 they meet at McDonald's.  I brought Janey and Parker, knowing that I had only a short while before I had to pick up my middles at noon.  No one from church was there.  Ten minutes later, one girl showed up with her two babies.  Two little girls, each a little older than my two babies.  Nice.  I got to have a quick chat with a sweet girl who is at a completely different stage of life than me.  It was fascinating in a way.  I almost couldn't wrap my mind around it.  Took me back to who I was at 24 - where in my life, where in my marriage.  Kind of twilight zone-y.

Picked up the kids (a little late) and back here for lunch and here's hoping that the cleaning ladies do not show up until well after 4:00pm.  They aren't here yet, so I'm feeling optimistic, but who knows?  Rick is supposed to pick up the kids at 5 for his weekday visit (the boys are starting basketball which interferes with Wednesday nights) and then I need to go visit my Meme in the hospital.  I was hoping I'd get to see Brian for a little bit tonight, but that is not looking likely at this point.  Oh well.  Some days are just like that.

Still wishing that my ex and his wife would parent WITH me COOPERATIVELY, but I am still powerless (imagine that!)  This is just my life.

Big sister

Had therapy and also took my babies to therapy today.  Hattie and Jason seem to still have a lot of anger they're working through.

Big breakthrough with my sweet Hattie today.  She us hurting because Breanna seems to like Norah better than her.  The therapist and I suggested that perhaps Hattie wanted to make a greater effort to strengthen her relationship with Breanna (talking to, playing with, and teaching her) and then Breanna might respond positively.  We are all combating the baby-talk with Breanna these days...

Immediately after we got home from our meeting Hattie began making an OBVIOUS effort just to be NICER to Breanna. She pushed her little sister on the swings and showed her how to pump her legs.  She comforted when Breanna accidentally got kicked.  I couldn't have been more proud of my girls.  It is such a joy to watch the children get along!

Whew!

What a crazy emotional ride I'm capable of taking.  Yesterday was all over the map, and I really liked the way my brother Drew summed it up by telling me that feelings can be true, but that doesn't make them "truth."  I guess I really just tried to publicize why Rick got SO angry at me that he was unable to find his way back.  I don't want anyone to think I'm just trying to play victim or evoke sympathy.  I honestly do "get" both sides of this equation.

Another sound piece of advice my (insightful) brother Drew imparted involved focusing more attention, worry, and sincere concern on my current relationship.  Brian has (admittedly) already put up with some pretty wacky emotional behavior on my part.  How much can I really expect HIM to endure at this point?  And I respect that.  Drew is absolutely right.  But (and even Brian said this to me last night) he has never been divorced.  And maybe that's how I managed to find such a great, patient, understanding guy.  He's been there.  Last March, our relationship started as purely a supportive friendship.  He understood what I was going through, felt my passion, empathized with my despair.  He's stuck with me through so much.  I'm so grateful he isn't willing to give up on me or on us.

Therapy was good again today.  I told him all about yesterday, the drama, the blog, Facebook...  I explained how it all started, how it progressed, and how I worked my way through it.  My healing process, it turns out, is very interactive.  I learn a great deal about myself (in these emotional 'moments') through the feedback I receive both here (in the form of comments) and on Facebook.

Both the positive and negative feedback help me to work through my "issues" and find my way back to where I need to be.  So, thank you (all) for your continued input -both for and against my choices.  I accept both support and criticism as long as you are willing to put your name on your words.  I am NOT anonymous.  You need not be either.

REFOCUS:

Strengthen my relationship with God so that I can more naturally, more easily, more readily anchor to Him.

<3

Unnecessary Roughness

I had no need to post that last post.  I am not going to delete it.  What's done is done, but it is all part of me working through everything I am going through.  It was overkill.  I got weak.  I decided to cater to another hurtful thing that Rick had said to me, rather than focus on the good, happy, wonderful things that are in my life right now.  My post was purposely skewed to favor Rick's perspective.  I didn't want anyone to be able to accuse me of being dishonest.  I tried to present "his truth" and I think it may have backfired.  He won't tell me "his truth" so why do I feel the need to address it at all?  He just attacks and attacks, why do I feel the need to try to defend myself or even hurt myself more?  Besides, I'm sure that ultimately he will find a reason to use that last post against me somehow.  It doesn't matter what I do or say, he will think it is wrong. 

So, the only reasons I could possibly regret writing that last post are as follows: 1.) I was jumping to Rick's whistle, and that is no longer necessary in my life.  2.)  There is no need for my children to ever know or read those facts.  3.) Those details, made public (although privately shared at previous occasions) could potentially hurt my current relationship.

However, those details, either public OR private do not in any way justify the choices that have been made by my children's father.  Every right or wrong thing he has done to me and to them has been HIS CHOICE.  Maybe I'm trying to own my choices so that he will own his?  I need to let go of that.

Infidelity/Dirty Laundry.

After years of flirting with temptation, I eventually had a real life, full blown affair.  Now, let's be honest.  I am a terrible liar.  I technically had this affair over the course of less than 6 weeks.  When I got pregnant with Parker, I was already at my emotional limits with the stress, and the confusion, and the guilt.  The pregnancy sent me over the top, and the confession followed quickly after I realized there was another baby coming.  What I'd like to explore here is why things happened the way they did.  Rick has accused me of NOT telling the "whole truth" here in the blog.  I am not sure what he means (because he is never specific with me) but I am going to try very hard to get through it all and provide the full reveal.  In case you all thought I was sugar-coating the truth in my favor... I'm just not sure what I haven't told.

I believe my husband always wanted to trust me but never did.  A short while (weeks) after we got married, I had run into an old boyfriend on my lunch break.  He had suggested that maybe we go get lunch and I told him I had to ask my husband.  When I brought it up with Rick, he said he was not comfortable with the idea, and the matter was closed.  I did not see that person ever again.  Within months I was at a new job and found myself attracted to other men.  Flirting has always come naturally to me, so I encouraged the attention as much as I could, but remained faithful to my husband.  I think I wanted to feel that excitement.  I have heard about "love" or "romance" addictions and I wonder now if maybe that is/was my problem.  Within a year, I was at another new job, and although I found my mind wandering, it was never to the point of pursuing any type of relationship.  We started having children (Hattie) and I stopped working, and we eventually moved to Menifee.

When the Menifee house was almost ready, we went and visited it.  I was 8 months pregnant with Jason, and it turned out that the neighbors across the street were just moving in.  Three single guys, and the first second I saw Todd, I was completely smitten.  February 15, 2004.  Literally 8 months pregnant.  A month later we moved in, I gave birth to my second child, and my family began to grow.  I found myself obsessing over the neighbor across the street.  I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to see him, I fantasized about him.  That summer, the neighbors on the entire street would have block parties and hang out and I loved having the opportunity to spend time with Todd.  It was ridiculous.  It was embarrassing.  I was shameless.  I talked about my "Todd" temptation and flirtation with Rick, trying to make sense of it, but I/we never could.  Rick was always patient and loving.  He held me when I felt emotionally weak.  I guess at that point I wasn't even anchoring in Rick, I was anchoring in the IDEA of Todd.  Scary how insecure and fragile I turned out to be.  Truth was that Todd would only really pay attention to me when he was drunk, and nothing ever really happened between us.  (Sad that that turned out to be "enough" for me at the time.)  I think my desperate housewife, pathetic crush turned out to be too much, and he just decided to start ignoring me.  I was, eventually, heartbroken, and Rick picked up the pieces.

Fast forward.  2007.  Breanna was born in May, and we moved to Reno in September.  5 months in Reno with 4 kids.  Then Rick in Texas for 4 months. I started going to the gym and lost 25 pounds.  I had a personal trainer (Casey) who became my latest "victim" of obsessive crushing.  I flirted shamelessly and was, again, resisted/rejected.  Conversations with Rick about Casey made him jealous, but did not ever change my behavior or my desire.  Over time, I became more and more desperate, and eventually I got the hint that he just wasn't interested in fulfilling this intense emotional need that I had.  Again, I was crushed.  Again Rick picked up the pieces.  He held me and loved me through his broken heart.

2008. The beginning of the end of my marriage.  I was lost and lonely and began looking (ACTIVELY)  for someone to have an affair with.  It was completely irrational.  I "thought" I was happy in my marriage, but that I had this crazy need for attention.  I joined an internet site to meet people and ended up meeting two different men.  I tried to be obsessed with either of them.  I met with Eddie once and tried to set up another meeting.  I got caught beginning a "chat" with him one night and everything I had been doing blew up in my face.  Rick completely flipped out.  He punched holes in the wall.  He punched a mirror (when we moved out of the Menifee house, there was still blood spatter on the back of our bedroom door) and threatened suicide.  I was a bitch.  I told him he was acting pathetic, feeling sorry for himself, and that threatening to kill him self was the most victim thing he could ever do.  He was cornered in the bathroom, and I stood in his way.  He picked me up by the shoulders and tossed me across the bathroom about 5 feet.  I tripped over a hamper and got a terrible scratch/bruise on my leg.  I was PISSED.  He always had a violent temper (holes in the walls were not new) but he had never laid a hand on me.  I asked him if I should leave, if I should call my mother or call the police.  I told him I would never be "that girl" - the one who stayed...  He never laid a hand on me again.  His temper became more subdued overall, but more EXPLOSIVE.  His patience with the children all but disappeared.  Our relationship, marriage, family, was never the same.

End of 2008, I met Ross - the bar owner - and started in on a new crush.  I was becoming more desperate, more bold.  I actively pursued the possibility of having an affair.  I really wanted to get this guy to sleep with me, but despite my best efforts he resisted.  I think I always picked "good" guys knowing that they would never be with a married woman.  The Ross obsession lasted several months, with many many trips to the bar for karaoke.  I never drank, but I would just flirt, be social, and obsess over Ross.  I still insisted my marriage was happy, and never realized that happily married women do NOT behave this way...  Beginning of 2009, I am pregnant again (this time with Jane) and still obsessing over Ross.  By that Summer I was getting over my Ross crush and finally intent on doing whatever it took to meet my husbands needs.  I thought that if I bent over backwards to please him, that he would eventually begin to meet my needs.  I cleaned house, took care of kids, homeschooled.  It wasn't enough.  It was too late, but I didn't realize it then.  Rick was already gone.  At one point in our therapy session, he told the therapist he just "couldn't" give to me anymore.  He wanted to, and he tried, but the desire just wasn't in him any more.  I SINCERELY wish he would have left me then.  He lost his job for good in November 2009.

It was the next January that I went to our timeshare for a few days "getaway" and decided to have a one-night-stand.  I thought I needed to prove something to myself.  I wanted to feel important, validated, valued.  I thought having sex with someone who was "young" and "hot" would give me what I needed.  I did it.  It didn't work.  I regretted it immediately and went back to my family thinking that the "cheating" was behind me.  But, apparently, I still was unhappy.

It wasn't until March that I began sensing that a Facebook "friendship" was perhaps something more.  By April, I was back in obsessive mode.  His name was Chris.  Mid-April, I took the Vegas trip with the girls.  No, Chris was not there.  He did not go to Vegas that weekend, but it was that weekend he overtook my mind.  This time, the guy was married, so it suddenly felt like the perfect scenario.  Our emails and instant message chats suddenly got very intimate.  Within two weeks he told me he loved me.  I felt loved.  I believed him.  I can remember him telling me at one point that the only way this would work is if I believed him.  I had to always believe him.  I'm not sure now what that means.  We met up (and had sex) twice.  Looking back, it was physically very unfulfilling, but I felt so empty emotionally that the emotional connection was enough for me.  May 17.  I knew I was fertile that week.  I had sex with Chris.  I had sex with Rick. Things with Rick were going great because I always had Chris on my mind.  We met up the second time on May 28.  Like I said, looking back, it's all rather pathetic, but at the time I was completely enthralled.

On June 5, I found out I was pregnant.  The rest of the story has been chronicled in this blog beginning December, 2010.  I will eventually tell the rest of the story of Chris, but for now, this is my cathartic confession.

Audience

Writing a blog is a weird thing.  Really, for me, it is more like a public journal.  I am a little selective about the subject matter, but overall I just pour my heart out and let a bunch of people read it.  Rick has accused me of being an attention whore (many many times) and sometimes I wonder if that is true.  He says the blog is just another method of me getting attention and validation.  Maybe it is.  Although I get very little validation from my blog readers...  If that was my "purpose" I would be sorely disappointed.  Carolyn said that it is my "public pity party."  Hmmmm.  I disagree strongly with that statement as well.  I don't think I spend much time on here feeling sorry for myself.  So, what is my purpose?  Do I really think that what I say is of such importance that other people should be reading it?  Eeehhhhh, sometimes.  At times, I have actually been called insightful by many intelligent people.  Maybe I do have some valuable insights to offer people - friends and strangers alike!  I know from my experience with this blog that it has helped others begin on a path to emotional healing.  I know that several women have be inspired and encouraged by reading about my journey.  I know that there are many out there reading, even though I don't always know who or how or why!?!!?

Since I got my "feedjit" widget, I can tell some of the places that people are clicking from.  I can tell which places are "regular" visitors, and I can assume who those readers may be based on their locations.  Through a little bit of investigative work, I do know who a few of my regular readers are.  There are other places, however, that are clicking in, that I have know idea who you are.  It is a little weird.  As I have been posting my entries to facebook, I get a lot more readers, and I can tell that clicks are coming through those posts.  But, I can only guess who is reading and why.  Especially the why.

Why am I writing? Why are you reading?  I can really only answer the first question, and sometimes I'm not even sure about that.  I do like having an audience.  I always have.  I love to write.  I honestly think I am good at it.  The concept of a blog is interesting to me because it gives people an option.  Read if you want, if you are interested, or you are welcome to ignore it.  I know that the people who choose to click through are reading because they want to know what I have to say.  I guess that in and of itself is very validating.  It is rare that I get comments, but usually they are supportive and for that I am grateful.  I'm sure that at first (especially) there were people reading that were just following the train wreck soap opera that was ME.  I was emotional and angry and the DRAMA of the situation was fascinating.  However, I think I've settled down a great deal over that past year and a half.  I know that I have come to a steady place emotionally, and I am grateful to my family and my Heavenly Father for helping to get me here.

I'm not sure what the point of this entry is.  I just really felt like writing and I find myself fascinated by the idea that someone is out there reading and caring about my random thoughts and feelings.  I would love to hear from you, even the ones who're only reading so that you can report back to Rick.  I still have nothing to hide.

A "Good" Divorce?

I am reading a new book right now.  It is called Joint Custody with a Jerk, and I found it at the library. The book is not at all about how to change your ex into a nicer person or to make him/her easier to deal with.  I am loving what I'm learning because it is actually about how to change your own attitude and reactions to things so that the relationship will flow more smoothly.  I am just devouring its wisdom, and I can't wait to put some of the things I've read into practical application.  Of course, that would require MY ex to actually communicate with me AT ALL, but I'm hoping to eventually get the opportunity...

When Rick and I first separated, I bought a book called The Good Divorce.  It talked about the relationship between the exes (and their new "others") adapting to a familial relationship rather than an adversarial one.  If the entire family REMAINS a family, the children will fare much, much better.  The exes should be friends, friendly, on the same team.  Now, I understand that most divorces do not go this route.  Certainly the divorced household I grew up in was contentious (at the very best!)  However, understanding the reality, and our (presupposed) desire to do right by our children, I would still hope that we can find ourselves to this place.  As I have mentioned over and over to Rick (in email form,) I would really like to find a way to get along.  What I realized recently, is that he is truly feeding off of a hatred for me.  He MUST keep his life and feelings and reality separate from me in order to maintain the boundaries he has set for himself.  It is so scary unhealthy.  If we are a part of each others' lives, he could possibly realize that this was all a big mistake?  If he is certain that this path is the right one, then what has he against setting our children up for a healthier emotional outcome?  There really is no question that the BETTER we get along, the better off our children will be.  And we have SIX CHILDREN. 

I am frustrated when I am not given all of the information regarding our children.  I am agitated that we cannot parent as a team.  I feel handicapped because it seems he is unwilling to work with me AT ALL.  I would like to have honest, open communication set up between us.  I've offered for him to select a Bishop or LDS therapist of his choice, and he has refused to have any such meeting with me.  My hands are tied.  How can I proceed?

Happy Valentine'sDay!

What a day for reflection!  I woke up this morning in a weird mood (after a weird dream) but still content and happy with life.  I love waking up to six goofy kiddos!  They are my whole life.  As I showered, for some reason my thoughts turned to the past (trying to avoid that, I know, but bear with me...) and I remembered a significant argument I had with Rick.  It was after the confession and before the separation where we were kind of deciding if we could actually work things out.  He was realizing that I required much more than he was capable of giving, and he flat out told me he can't give me any more.  As I look back now, I put that conversation in the context of my contemplations on "anchoring" and I realized very clearly that we were squarely anchored to each other at that point.  I was trying to get "all my needs" met by him, and he was trying to be the "everything" to me that I was to him.  It is no wonder we were doomed.  It always makes me sad to have such clarity of what what wrong in my marriage.  It also makes me sad for my ex in his new relationship.  I hope that the two of them figure out how to set their anchors on Heavenly Father to guide their relationship.  I wrote an email to Rick this morning.  I expressed the thoughts I've put down here.  Maybe I shouldn't have, but I sometimes can't resist.

Once I got past all that, my thoughts returned to the present - to my children, to Brian.  I realized just how happy I am.  I am so grateful that I do not have to rely on anyone else for my peace or my happiness.  I am grateful that I have a sweet, supportive man who respects himself (and me) enough to stand up for what he thinks is right, and is humble enough to admit when he has made a mistake.  A mature relationship is a revelation for me.  I am not rushing.  It is strange, but I know that taking our time is the right thing to do.

We have no special plans for Valentine's Day.  I am hoping we will get to spend the evening together (probably putting children to bed) tonight, but I also know that I am okay either way.

I still love my husband.  I want happiness for him in his life, his marriage, his family.  I want what is best for our children, first and foremost, always.

I've pushed this as far as I can go, and now motherhood calls again.  Time to get Paco off the table and pick up the food off the floor...

<3

Busy busy weekend.

I wish I had more time to write/post to this blog.  Life is so full right now.  I am so happy and excited for the present and the future.

On Thursday, February 9, escrow closed on the house where the kids and I will soon live.  It is a perfect house in a great neighborhood with awesome schools.  We already know our next door neighbors (Derek played soccer with their son!) so the kids (and I!) have ready-made friends.  It is thrilling.  We kept the house plans secret until escrow closed (you never know what could happen when you are trying to buy a house) so we got to do a big "reveal" on Thursday night.  The kids were sufficiently impressed, excited and grateful!  We've been there every day since, and the excitement has not subsided.  I feel the same way as I begin to prepare the house to become our home.

Friday was Derek's birthday.  Since we finally had keys to the house, and it needs a decent amount of cosmetic work done, I spent the morning at the new house meeting with contractors.  After picking up the middles from school (and Derek's birthday cake from the store) we headed back to the house for more cleaning and to wait for the locksmith.  I even left the kids at the neighbor's and the locksmith at the house to go pick up the bigguns.  Finally, with 6 kids in my possession, I quickly bathed the babies (at the neighbor's house!) and headed to Chuck E. Cheese for Derek's birthday party.

The party was, in a word, AMAZING.  The kids had a blast playing games, and collected their tickets together.  I like to encourage them to pool all of the tickets and then split them evenly at the end.  They ate pizza and cake, and watched Derek do the "ticket blaster" - unfortunately he did not manage to grab that magic "1,000 tickets" ticket.  He did, however, walk away with well over 200 tickets from his ticket blaster experience. 

Saturday we went back to the house with Brian and the boys (the kids wanted to show off the new house!) and then we headed to Knott's Berry Farm since we all have passes.  Brian's oldest son, Joseph turned 9 on Sunday, so we were celebrating his birthday together for a few hours.  Then we went BACK TO the house.  We seriously cannot get enough of this place.  I think even the kids can already feel it is "home."  We hung out, played, ate cake, played, and played until dark.  Exhausted, we came back to Grandma and Papa's house for baths and bed before church on Sunday.

Sunday - church.  Of course it was great, and I got to share with my bishop the thoughts on "anchoring" I learned at therapy on Wednesday.  I also began reading a book entitled "Joint Custody with a Jerk."  Now, before you start jumping to conclusions, it is actually more about how I can change myself and my own attitude in order to have a happier life (for myself and the children,) even when communication with my ex is difficult.  It doesn't focus on the negativity - it really emphasizes our power to control how we are going to be affected by what we experience.  I thought this concept tied in well with the thoughts I have been exploring on anchoring...

I had promised the children a campout, and Sunday was the night.  They are dying to move in for good, so I agreed (against my better judgement?) to have us all sleep there overnight since today was a holiday from school.  Let me tell you, preparing a "campout" with and for six kids is quite the undertaking!  Somehow I managed to get together enough blankets, pillows and food to keep us mildly comfortable overnight.  Of course, with all the prep work, we didn't even make it to the house until after 7pm. 

Wild and crazy sleepover (I HATE sleeping on the floor), and up early this morning so that we could get to the doctors for our follow-up appointment.  Parker still has an ear infection so the doctor increased his antibiotics.  Hattie needs to be more diligent about her inhalers to get her asthma under control.  Another follow-up on Friday. The rest of the children are fine.

Busy weeks ahead as we continue to prepare.  Drywall today and tomorrow, electrical Wednesday, and painting this weekend.  Next week, hopefully, we will have new carpet.  New sliding glass door the following week, and then the big move.  At least that's the plan.  Keep us in your prayers, we will certainly need them in the coming weeks!

Anchoring

Productive therapy session today has me thinking about where I'm laying my emotional "anchor" for my value and self-worth.  My therapist reminded me that the only reliable place to place our anchor is with God, and on our Savior, Jesus Christ.  When our hearts are anchored in Him, we are sustained, we remain disciples, we persevere.  If we anchor our hearts ANYWHERE ELSE (this includes with a loved one - parent, child, spouse - or our jobs or anything else) then we will be disappointed at some point.  We cannot rely on them.  We cannot even rely on ourselves.  We must completely rely on the Lord to find true contentment in all things.

From the drama of my upbringing, I learned that I could be fulfilled (if only temporarily) by the attention and affection of men.  My value and self-worth was based on how attractive I was or how adored I was.  This was basically the foundation of all of my issues.  In every relationship, I was "the perfect combination of sexy and cute" and I was always in control.  I cannot think of a single boyfriend who was able to set boundaries for me - or even one who actually tried.  When I got married, my worth was then anchored entirely on Rick and on my marriage.  Evidence of this is found in a talk I gave in 2008, where I kept referring to my marriage as the foundation of my faith.  Ouch.  Should've been a clue, but how clueless I was.  When my relationship was failing, I again reverted to the esteem builder of my youth and young-adulthood, that is, attention from men.  This was CLEARLY quite detrimental to my marriage.  Duh.  This pattern did not stop as I did not get the help, guidance and boundaries I desperately needed to be successful in our relationship.  My faith was lacking and increasingly waning over the years and years of my marriage. In a future post I will explore the worldly realities contributing to the breakdown of my marriage, beginning in 2008, but for now, I will stay on this point.

This morning I realized that last week, when I had yet another emotional breakdown, I was once again anchoring my self-worth on my ex-husband.  I was astounded, and it is very humbling to write publicly, that, at times, I STILL anchor to him.  I guess that is out of habit.  12 years of marriage is a long time.  The letter he wrote destroyed me, got me doubting my own worth.  He is should not have that much power.  I should never again anchor my emotional well-being on him. 

So, my (very wise) therapist suggested that I periodically (daily????) do an "anchor-check" to see where I am anchored.  Even when I am feeling good, it is good to make sure that my good feelings are coming from the right place!  They should be coming from Christ!  With Him, all things are possible.  With Him, forgiveness is real.  With Him, we are all redeemed!

Happy or Unhappy?

I guess I still get to choose.

It is still difficult to see "Richard & Carolyn Thomson" written down.  Am I jealous?  No, not anymore.  I was jealous when he was dating her and I was trying to save our marriage.  I was insanely jealous.  Am I hurt?  Yes, a little, a lot, a little, sometimes.  Am I angry?  No, not anymore.  It just brings me sadness to think about it.  Jason has told me several times (in and outside of his therapist's office) that he just pretends they are not married.  He is a smart little boy.  Maybe that's what I do too.

I went onto Child Support Services today.  Total past due support - $20,482.40.  Total amount owed - $22,072.40.  No payments made. He told me that recovery from his surgery would be 3 months (January) so I wonder why he hasn't gone back to work.  I wonder a lot of things.

Saturday was an emotional day in many ways.  Trying to make good decisions on behalf of my family (children) is not always easy.  Here's to change...  it always keeps us on our toes.

Beams and motes

Matthew 7:3 -
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

Humility

I hurt Brian yesterday.  I posted something on Facebook with the goal of working through my feelings, fears, doubts, insecurities, and ISSUES.  It wasn't intended to be mean, but it ended up being very hurtful to Brian.  He had every reason to be upset, and throughout the day, he shared his anger with me.  By the time the evening came, we were both still pretty upset about the emotional upheaval of the day.  I was silent, and he was very talkative.  He repeated to me the specific ways my words had hurt him.  I resisted.  I got more upset, defensive, argumentative.  He did not let up.  He conceded the reasonable points I was making, but he patiently, lovingly made his point to me as well.  He had been hurt, and I couldn't do that to him again.  I COULD NOT do that to him again.  He did not stop until he knew I understood completely.  It was a long, difficult conversation.

I finally got it.  Everything Rick has been complaining about the blog, finally became clear to me.  And this is not the first time Brian has taught me about my "bad" behavior.

One day last summer, Brian and I went to Arby's for lunch.  The kid behind the counter was some skinny white teenager and my flirt radar lit up.  Brian and I were there together, with a months-old baby, yet I began shamelessly flirting with this kid.  We ate, and I continued behaving inappropriately.  Brian got increasingly shocked and upset as the meal went on, and as soon as we walked out the door of the restaurant he said, "I really wanted to punch that guy in the face!"  I was surprised.  He observed that my behavior was so natural to me I didn't even realize I was doing it, but he made it very, very clear that I was WRONG.  We talked through it.  We discussed how those situations were(n't) handled in my marriage.  I saw it all in a different light.  It hurt him.  I had to stop.  So I did.  Since then, that behavior has not been a problem. Not once.  One conversation literally STOPPED the attitude and behavior that DESTROYED my marriage.

Yesterday, I hurt Brian again.  It was mean, nasty hurt, and I honestly didn't realize I was doing it.  Last night, once again, he taught me something new about myself.  I learned that I have another hurtful habit that needs to be corrected.  I am in the process of correcting it, for Brian and for Rick too.

I will forever assert that Rick did not take the time to teach me that I needed to change.  He expected me to know.  My behaviors and actions were wrong.  I didn't get it.  Now I do.

As much as I have been hurting, I am grateful to be in a relationship with someone who loves me enough to want me to learn how to be better - to want to help me, despite my resistance.  I have never felt so loved.

For Rick's Friends/Family/Loyal Supporters...

If you want to pass along a message, how about this one...


Pay Your Child Support Online! OC Child Support Services

He hasn't paid anything since a $575 check on Feb 5, 2011.  He's currently over $20,000 in arrears.  Child Support Services WILL accept payments directly from him since the beginning of this year.  Still waiting.

Spin it any way you want. I have spent the past year caring for six children.  I tried to work and there just are not enough hours in the day.  The employer could not work around my familial obligations.  Luckily, my parents are taking care of the children's needs.

P.S.  Tell him he better hurry to get a payment in this week...

February 2, 2012, 3:00 p.m. PST through February 5, 2012 – Unable to Accept Payments Due to System Maintenance

• The website (www.casdu.com) will be temporarily unavailable to accept payments.
• The website will have an updated design.

Fwd: Love

Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone

----- Forwarded message -----
From: "amberathomson@aol.com" <amberathomson@aol.com>
Date: Mon, Jan 30, 2012 11:19 pm
Subject: Love
To: "Richard Thomson" <rjthomson75@gmail.com>

I attempt to reach out to you with love and kindness, only to be met with resistance and hostility.

Your email is full of falsehoods, not the least of which being your self-righteous assessment of my repentance.  Suggesting a talk for me is cute (yes, I've read it) but I can guarantee there is no Prophet, Apostle, or Seventy who has given a talk explaining your lies to be true.  I know that there is no way God led you to Carolyn while you were married.  You believe differently.  The God of my faith would never have led you away from our temple marriage - no matter what mistakes I (or we) made.  I was willing to work through them all with you, with the help of Christ and the Atonement.  Instead, I was left to work through them and find my way back to Christ (admittedly a long way) on my own - without the eternal companion who covenanted for better or worse and promised to love me forever.  You ran and found a new wife.  Heavenly Father was not involved in your choice.  

If you or your friends would like to refute anything I've posted as false, I welcome it either publicly or privately, but NOT anonymously.  I am not anonymous; I believe it is a coward who cannot put their name on their words.

My sincerest, most righteous desire will always be that we put the past behind us and move forward for our children.  If we could come to an understanding regarding our shared past, we might have a chance of saving our children from unnecessary strife.   Understanding can only come from open communication.  I have expressed willingness in this regard from the beginning.  If you ever had a sincere desire to repair our relationship as co-parents, I absolutely would be willing to leave it out of the blog, at your specific request.  You've never expressed even an INSINCERE desire to get along with me beyond a curt politeness.  That type/level of relationship does nothing to ease our children's burdens.  The best way to be divorced is to have them see that we truly are still family to each other.  They need to feel that love between their parents, even though it will never again be a romantic love.


With Sincere Love,

Amber


Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone

----- Reply message -----
From: "Richard Thomson" <rjthomson75@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Jan 30, 2012 4:23 pm
Subject: Optimism
To: <amberathomson@aol.com>

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Fwd: Optimism
From: rjthomson75@gmail.com
To: Amber Thomson <amberathomson@aol.com>
CC:

Your life may not be private and you have a tell all  commitment with
anyone who will listen.We all know there have been wrongs and hurt on
both sides.You choose to air out mine stating that its your truth and
it is your truth. The thing is you don't know the truth and miss out
on details then publicize them as truth. I chose not to respond to
your emails because I have learned that you post them on your blog
which I don't read. I know I do have friends who read it and for the
most part they don't share with me becauseI have asked them not to. I
was told about my emails being posted and of certain things that
others know to be untrue.

You want to put an end to animosity then you should learn boundaries
and how to respect others privacy otherwise there will not be openness
from me to you. As I told you before I dont need to tell you anything.
Besides you have stated to me that whatever I say is a lie so why does
what I say or feel matter?

I have not gone out and said or proclaimed to the world all the ways
you hurt me and the children and I know you don't tell everyone the
whole truth. I don't  speak ill of you or share my frustration with
the world. I do have and see a therapist and  always talk to my church
leaders. They have known from the beginning. As for Fritter he too
always knew what was going on.

As my father has told you, and I have asked you too, stop speaking ill
of anyone even yourself. You will not feel true repentence till you
do. If you are truly repentant you would no longer use your "truth" to
hurt others.  The Lord remembers our sins no more and so should we be
telling our frustrations and posting others weaknesses and sins to the
world? Take them to the Lord His grace is sufficient for all. There is
a talk by President Gordon B Hinkley - "Of You it is Required to
Forgive" it may help to explain what I am trying to say and to dispell
the idea that all I was doing was lying. You can find it on youtube or
the church website.

I know you have my old email it would be honorable of you to stop
sending mail to others, as it sets others up to think they are getting
mail from me. If someone is sending me mail then it is for me not you.
You don't need it.  It's not good for you to have it or any of the old
mail. I must thank you for sending the letter Carolyn sent me to my
parents they LOVED it!  They know without a shadow of a doubt that she
loves me more than anyone ever has and that it's a Godly love, an
Eternal love. That letter continues to bless the lives of all who read
it for that is the love we all search and pray to be worthy of.

I am sorry to hear that someone is trying to hurt you but its kind of
funny that you would be supprised by that, afterall you can't see how
you hurt others by what you say or write. As for you contacting my
Bishop and Bill coming to see him the sentiment of helping to show the
truth or perspective was not conveyed, all it has done is show that
you are vindictive and all Bill did was show his arrogance. Leave the
truthtelling to the Bishops. Please change your heart from hurt to
heal I do respect you as the mother to the children I hope you will be
able to someday respect me as the father of them in turn, it has yet
to be seen for years many years and I never went out to show all what
was going on. I never gave permission for you to do what you wanted
you just did what you wanted and I tried to endure. Well I couldn't
and my life and the kids lives will be BETTER for it.

May God Be With You In All Your Rightouse Desires,
Rick

Crazy Ranting from Rick

September 12 - 

 Email #1  1:37pm
No need for bishops or therapists. I talk to them and I'm fine and things will be fine. You have no way of knowing that you have changed or are different. You need to figure out your life and learn how to live within tour means and see how well you continue in your great change you have fooled professionals before and in the end they ask well Rick some go back one last time nothing is certain its a chance that only you have to decide to take or not. I choose not. I've been lied to many times before trusted many times before and fooled many times before. I never abused you. You say I have. I never lied I tried to love and it was never enough. So there it is.  I went to Horton and Georgiana and both said the same   bishops I've been to and all the ones minus yours and Fritter agree with them. All Fritter cares about is taking away my memberships by marking my records which is only done if that bishop wants the other person to be exed too bad his pride and friendship with green got in his way to feel and understand the spirit and mine and Carolyns bishop in Brea and Gary Lawrence and a few more in Utah along with general authorities. So nothing will change between us and we just need to be the best we can for the kids.

Email #2 3:19pm
When this divorce is final and Carolyn and I are married that is when our leaders will work with us. As for now we live as honorable as we can living under one roof. I can only imagine what you are thinking goes on here and for that I cant wait for.

The rest you may continue in with or as more lies. I can't hardly walk I can lay in bed for 1 1/2 hrs. But for the most part I am most comfortable sleeping in a recliner at most 3-4 hours I can't bend over to pull my pants up or lean down to flush the toilet. At times even wearing clothing that is tight on my body hurts. Most of the day I spend trying to be comfortable and am crying because I am in so much pain. It gets even worse when I have to see you and these messages. So as for a sexual relationship its not happening nor has it. We go to church and have been and they all can't wait for this to be over because they have never known any two people who love each other and their children more than us.

Yes no authority agrees with our arrangements but understand and can't wait and offer to marry us.

All you say is I'm a liar but people just can't believe how much they feel the spirit in our home. And that I've never had and now I'm grateful for it and never want it to go away. So beg for me to go to therapy with you and hope for my heart to turn to you but it won't happen. Carolyn and I were very close friends for years before our Vegas trip and again are very close and will be what we should have been all along. No mote abuse or lying cheating mistrust or therapy and finally a good and almost perfect relationship for the kids to see and be a part of.

You got to have what was Carolyn's for all these years and you destroied it. So now its our turn so please leave is alone.

Thank you in some weird twisted way for helping us making things the way they should have been years ago. Carolyn and I  can have the life that the lord will bless throughout the eternities.

Email #3 4:19pm
Like I said its all lies to you what has been said to me was for me.  I guess the scripture is true don't cast your pearls before swine. I never said I was worried about you. Although when have you had to take care of yourself on your own never I guess that is why you are filled with such venom and hate.

You use the kids as pawns expecually Parker and since I don't fall for it you're mad and angry ill have Parker and the rest of th kids when visitation allows.

I want doll custody of the kids cut I know that that fight is futile you would never switch the time share if the loss it move out here where you can afford to live so it could be at least 50/50 its affordable out here you can't complain that its too crowded or they don't have a yard. I wonder what next. What kind of tempettantrom will you throw next


September 14 1:37pm
 
I apologize for the miss comunication.


As for my life and where it is and where its is going and where it will
end up is for the most part my decisions. I will stand and answer for
my part. I rejoice for that opportunity. I do believe that you play a
role in the path I have chosen and am actually very happy with the
choices I have made. I am extreemly saddened by the separation between
my children and me. Also my choice to divorce and file for cutody you
here in Ca. Bottom line I would still be living with you working with
you to keep our family together but I could not be hurt like that
again. There is nothing I did or did not do in our marriage that
deserved your repeated extramarital affairs. And chris was the last
straw. I don't believe that we can stay married and you stay faithful
to me or your constant pointing out that I am inadiquate in trying to
work with you and my love not being enough. I don't blame you but know
that I would not be here where I am with who I am with if you were so
persistent in keeping your relationship with chris and your feeling of
not wanting to be married to me for a long time and then threatening to
call the police on me if I in any way made you feel uncomfortable. I am
thankful for what and where my life has become again unfortunate for
the children.

As for Parker I look forward to being able to have him finaly overnight
and with all the children during visits. Hopefully some day they will
all chose to live with me with me thru will and will never be a burden
or be pushed away. When they are with me we do everything together and
we are a real family a love that we never had I am glad I at least got
to play with them which you always missed out on.

Im sorry but I don't blame you for all the bad things in my life. You always were one for the dramatic. Who do I lie to and no manipulation to kids. They wonder why they can't do some things or watch some movies that they always useto watch. So im honest with them. You don't approve. So they see your double standard and will see through you I wont need to do or say anything to them you destroy your life that you are so actively engaged in.

I don't know why you always see communications as you ripping on me putting me down or "observing"my life we can communicate and coparent by being polite to one another. I have tried to let you in but I am calleda liar so it's. Just buisness to you. You have shown your true colors cares and concerns just one time I would like to send a simple message and not get a sermon or an epistle by the great philosopher Amber Yunker Thomson.

So for the next messages let's keep it clean and straight to the point. I have no intrest in observations or opinions. "For the sake of the kids."

Rick

Weakness

I begin to make progress and then something happens.  Not just a hurtful, untrue email from Rick, but a fight with Brian, and now my confidence is once again shaken; I doubt my worth, doubt my value, question the goodness in me.

Do I deserve to be loved when I am soooo mean?  Do I deserve to be happy when I have caused so much pain?  I am not sure the good I do and the positive I put into the world is enough to counter all of the hurt I create.  I am just not sure.

It would be nice if I could figure out how to work through my own pain without lashing out.  I think, for me, it is almost like self-mutilation - the ultimate goal is always to cause myself more hurt.

What a terrible day.

Striving

My ex-husband knows exactly how to push my buttons, tear me down, exploit my insecurities and weaknesses.  Although much less often, I still allow myself to be led there.  It is a weakness.  I hope to some day be stronger.  Maybe when I have been able to put mire space between the present and my divorce.  Emotional habits are created in a marriage, whether good or bad, positive or negative.  Divorce can bring to the surface every negative emotional trigger that exists in a person.

When triggered, I still take some time to find my way back to reality, back to the Truth of the Spirit.  It used to take weeks, then days.  This time it took me hours to sort through my hurt and anger to find my heart again.  Less and less time means progress.  I would love if his words had no affect on me emotionally, but I am just not there yet.  I'm getting there.

I am still attempting to forge ahead and create a loving relationship with my ex and his wife, for the sakes of our children.  I haven't given up.

11:45

I don't know if my heart will ever truly, completely recover from the feeling that I am replaceable.

I hate crying at night.  It makes my eyes puffy in the morning.

His Grace Is Sufficient

I met with my Bishop during church today.  I have been feeling great, and today is no exception.  My Bishop shared with me a "secret" - and an important one at that.  Someone out there is now reading my blog who does not agree with my perspective.  This morning, Bishop Green came to his office and found a large stack of printed copies of my blog entries.  The entries had been carefully selected, highlighted, and a cover "letter" was included (although anonymous) explaining that the sender believed it to be important that the Bishop be aware of my behavior?  attitude?  actions?  I'm not sure exactly the details, but the desired result was clear - I was doing something WRONG and should (probably?) be punished (admonished?)...

Let me be clear.  The blog is once again public because I DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO HIDE.  There are a few entries of which I am ashamed.  Ashamed of my anger, my weakness, my hostility.  However, they are real, they are true, they are my actual emotions on those particular days under those particular circumstances.  I am not always proud of my feelings, but I have always accepted them.  It has allowed me to heal to this level.  I do not deny that I am imperfect in my progress, but I KNOW THAT I AM CONSTANTLY PROGRESSING!  Ah, the power of His Grace!

My Bishop told me that he read through each page, and, as he read, he said to himself "Yes, I remember that."  "I remember that."  "I remember that."  Maybe this person is trying to get me into some kind of trouble, but I have been completely open and honest with my Bishop about my feelings, my shortcomings, my rough patches, and my high points.  He has been with me constantly through this experience.  He has seen me strong and seen me weak.  He told me, "Amber, I did not learn anything that I did not already know."

We all need validation at times.  I am learning that I have always had a HIGH NEED for validation, but I'm also learning the reasons my insecurities existed.  I DID NOT understand fully the power of my Savior's Atonement.  I did not understand God's Plan for us.  I did not have a true testimony of the temple, of temple covenants, of eternal families.  I DO NOW.  And I still appreciate validation.  I still am so grateful that my Bishop knows me, knows my heart (good and bad) and knows how to offer truly inspired guidance.  I could say the same for my Savior.  He knows me, knows the good and bad of my heart, and He TRULY knows how to offer me guidance.  My relationship with Christ has supported me and led me through this very difficult time of my life.

The Bishop gave me a copy of an article from BYU Magazine.  It is entitled His Grace Is Sufficient, and I have included a link here.  I hope you will all read it (even my anonymous "tattler") and learn something new about the Grace of our Lord and Savior.  I read it and I cried.  At many, many different points, I cried.  I cried because of the truth of what I was reading.  What I learned is that His Grace IS sufficient.  Not just for me, but for Rick and Carolyn as well.  Darn it.  But I know it is true.  And I will continue to love them and pray for their ability to take full advantage of the Atonement of Christ. 

Choices

Ever since high school, I have loved the saying "Everyone has choices."  I even put it in my Senior quotes in our yearbook (that and "skinny whiteboys forever!"  hahaha)  Our choices ultimately define who we are.  They determine our character.  They determine actions, reactions, consequences.  And we are completely responsible for each and every choice we make.  So, what motivates our choices?

My stepdad told me (a couple of times in the past couple of years) that when you feel as though you have no choice, that is not God you are hearing.  When you are following the Spirit, God presents several options to you and lets you choose.  When you feel backed into a corner, without hope, without control, without choice, it is not coming from Heavenly Father.  What profound advice!  How brilliantly the truth can be simplified!

Another piece of sage wisdom that I received from my Bishop recently, involves the focus of our choices.  If we are primarily selfish in our motivation, our world will get continually smaller.  As it revolves only around ourselves, we limit our lives to our immediate surroundings, limit our friendships to those who are willing to make all of the effort.  When our focus is outside of ourselves, our worlds expand exponentially.  As we devote ourselves to the service of others, we grow, and our world grows along with us.  It is magnificent.  It is God's Plan.

So, be mindful, young grasshoppers, where your focus lies each day.  Are you primarily concerned with what you get, got, or have?  Or are you bettering the lives of those around you?  I submit that you will find peace, and love, and happiness only when you strive to create the latter.

Children are calling (screaming!)...  time to go!

Cell Phone

Researching the prospect of a new cell phone plan with a new cell phone carrier.  I still have 2 lines right now.  My main line, and our old house phone.  Maybe I should see if there are any voicemails on there??  I'd like to keep the 2nd line for the kids, but as I think about it further, I believe that it would be more economical to just get a pre-pay line for Hattie to use. 

Thinking about a prepay set me back - mentally, emotionally.  It was one of the things I did to facilitate my "affair."  The emails took a different turn mid-April of 2010, but on May 15, we both had prepay cell phones.  Thinking back now, I am full of regret and sadness.  It definitely brings back unpleasant feelings.  And after I was wanting to "work it out" with Rick, he found the prepay I had been using to talk to Chris.  It was the fatal blow.  He couldn't take it any more.  To me, him finding that phone didn't mean anything.  It was evidence of an affair that I had confessed and agreed to stop.  But to him, it was something else.  Evidence of a level of deceit, I guess.  I don't know. 

So the thoughts about cell phones bring my heart to a sad, ugly place.  I am so sad for the loss of my marriage.  I am sad for the loss of who my husband was.  I am sad for my children.  Talking to a friend today, we were discussing how Rick is IRREPLACEABLE in the children's lives.  I was telling her that I would probably still, even now, to this day, despite everything, be willing to give him a chance - willing to try to piece our family back together.  I am shocked at the times and ways he accused me of selfish motives.  How on earth could that willingness be about ME?  It comes only from a loving Heavenly Father and a thorough understanding of His plan for us.  So now, thoughts of Heavenly Father's Plan give me the comfort of His Spirit.

And things are good again.

business as usual.

I had cut and pasted a bunch of email interaction from this weekend, but I realized it is pointless.  Let's just say it culminated in this:

From:	amberathomson
To:	Richard Thomson
Subject:	Truth
Date:	Sun, Jan 15, 2012 10:21 pm

---

Not that you care about the realities that TRULY "contribute to where our lives have led," but here goes...

In February, when you stopped working, you TOLD me you were going to stop paying until further notice. That is when I went to the county for cash aid (and thank goodness I did!) Once I started getting cash aid, the county automatically opened up a case with DCSS. It was never my decision. You offered me a payment in May (not April) after 3 months of NOTHING, once the court told you that you were supposed to pay. I followed the directions I was given by the county to NOT accept any payments directly from you. You told me the money was sitting in its own account waiting.

I began asking you for support again in September. DCSS was held up by the filing of the order from April, because your attorney would not agree to the specifics from the hearing. I still asked you to help directly, and those payments would be credited once DCSS was able to begin enforcing. You refused. You told me the previously saved child support money went to pay school bills, medical bills, and car repairs. You offered to pay me less money than was actually owed in exchange for me "dropping" the case with DCSS. I said that wasn't fair to me or the kids, and that I did not trust you paying voluntarily. I have never even had the option of dropping the DCSS case. It was never my choice!

After that, you continued to refuse payment of any support. Several times you chose to mock me via email that I wasn't getting support from you.

Your CHOICE to avoid paying support cannot be blamed on DCSS or on me. The guy who "always does the right thing" just HASN'T. If you had any intention of "stepping up" to your responsibilities, you wouldn't let DCSS or anyone else stop you. You made six kids with me, then you took the first clear opportunity (me asking for a TEMPORARY separation) to leave & you ran directly to Carolyn.

You continually resisted my SINCERE attempts to apologize, to beg forgiveness, to try to save our eternal family, since you had already decided it would be easier to move forward and start over in a new relationship. You lied. Over and over, you outright lied to everyone about the CHOICES you were making. You voluntarily missed your son's birth AND the first 8 months of his life. You refused any form of counseling program, either with me OR individually. You repeatedly defied the guidance of all church leaders.

Now you are married, and you think, as we did after we married, that suddenly everything is all better. You are wrong. Nothing about your decision to remarry could be considered "right" or "good for our children" in any way. Any therapist on the planet would tell you it is completely emotionally unhealthy. Worst of all, it does not erase the unrighteous decisions you made getting to this point! The examples that have been set for our children cannot be undone through a(nother) quickie marriage.

I am over feeling anger towards you. I forgive you (daily, sometimes hourly.) I love you. I love our children. I even have love for Carolyn. I am grateful she treats the children kindly. I pray you find peace and truth in your journey. I pray you get therapeutic healing - I am certain it will take years - to overcome the pain of your childhood and the pain I caused you. I pray you start being honest with yourself and your wife. You "love" her now because your love for me became too painful to endure. I am sorry. My heart still aches for the hurt I caused you, but I know there is no turning back. You've chosen this path, and I still struggle, but I will respect your choice. Your current marriage is even less healthy than ours was. It is not real. It was created out of your hurt, your broken heart (that I caused, and that you never got over) and your fear. Again, I am sorry. I pray you get the help you need so that you CAN have a successful second marriage.

I told you at the end of 2010 that no matter what (divorce me, marry her) I will continue to hope for our eternal family. That hope and prayer is still very alive in me. I will do anything in my power to shield my children from the painful reality of divorce that I suffered as a child. I will raise them to be strong, confident, faithful, diligent, emotionally healthy adults - with or without your cooperation. I promise.

With love,
Amber

Boundaries

I honestly think...  that if Rick had said to me "If you ever cheat on me, I will leave you" then I would not have cheated.  Instead, he said "If you ever cheat on me, I will stay, and we will work it out."

I am not blaming him, but I have learned something very very important about my character.  I work within the boundaries that are set.  Yes, the rules within the church and the covenants and all that say that we are supposed to be faithful to our spouses.  Duh.  Of course I was wrong.  However, I took at least six years pushing the edge of that envelope, testing my boundaries to see how far things could go, to see how far I would go.  This is the definition of being subtly overcome by the spirit of the adversary.  I believe, in A SENSE, that I was given that permission by my husband, and I felt compelled to test it.  His words always told me that he loved me enough to overcome anything, even this.  I always questioned that love.  I did not trust it.  I felt less than, undeserving, unloved, and I was constantly searching for validation (in all the wrong places!!) While I was married, I never REALLY found it.

With Chris, I thought that I had found exactly what I needed.  He was also a guy who said what I wanted to hear.  He bolstered me up with his loving words.  I believe he knew me.  At least, he knew me better than Rick ever did.  But I honestly do not know if he truly loved me.  I doubt it.  Maybe he thought he did, but I'm sure what I felt for him was not love.

After my separation, my brother Andrew reminded me of an article I had cut out of the newspaper in my 20s.  It had been laminated, highlighted, and doodled on with a bright red marker.  The title of the article, presented in Dear Abby, was "Is it Love or Infatuation?"  Drew told me that he was always so surprised by the path I had chosen knowing that this article sat on my wall for YEARS before I got married.  I was very smart, but the romantic in me took over.  I did it all wrong...

I just found a copy:

Is it love or Infatuation?
Infatuation is fleeting desire - one set of glands calling to another.
It is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager but not genuinely happy.
There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about the relationship that you would just as soon not examine too closely.
It might spoil the dream.
Love is friendship that has caught fire.
It takes root and grows, one day at a time. Love is quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection.
It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved.
You are warmed by his presence, even when he is away.
Miles do not separate you.
You have so many wonderful films in your head that you keep replaying.
But near or far, you know he is yours, and you can wait.
Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing him."
Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together, you hope it will end in intimacy.
Love is not based on sex. It is the maturation of friendship that makes sex so much sweeter.
You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence. When he is away, you wonder if he's being unfaithful. Sometimes, you check.
Love means trust. You are calm, secure, and unthreatened.
He feels your trust, and it makes him even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret, but love never steers you in the wrong direction.
Love is elevating. It lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you better than you were before.
- printed in Dear Abby 


In my research, I also found this, from another Dear Abby article:

IS IT LOVE OR ISN'T IT?

It takes a level head to control a foolish heart.

Can you love someone at first sight? This crazy mixed-up version is better known as infatuation at first sight. Infatuation can possibly be the first step toward love, but in itself, it is not love.

Love itself is built on inner realities. Through experience and a few more infatuations, one acquires a second and better sight. So mature love should be called "love at second sight."

Mature love means liking a person as well as loving. If the most important part of your relationship is physical (making out) and you don't seem to have much to talk about, face it, it's just a physical attraction, and you're really not a very good combination if you're thinking about a lifetime relationship.

How do you know if you're in love? To ask if it is love indicates doubt. Love is sure.

Don't confuse enduring and lasting love with puppy love. (That's the kind that usually gets you into an emotional doghouse.)

Love is giving, not taking. It wants the best for the one you love.

Love is on the go. It makes you want to charge out into the world and do as well as think big. It doesn't keep you inert, day-dreaming and cooped up with only one person.

Love wants to share. To the one you love, you give your thoughts and your dreams. A new happiness comes with sharing. Mature love is honest and open.

Love doesn't know what time it is. During your teens, you will have had a litter of puppy loves. But as time goes by, and you learn more about the object of your affections--and your love seems to grow not weaker but stronger--maybe the real moment has come.

Now I've gone off on a tangent, but, I think, a good one.  Next time, it will truly be love.  Next time, I will do this right.

Letting Go

If I can find peace, love, and forgiveness during this past week, then I can find it any time!

Mom went to Oregon for 9 days.  I've been on my own all week.  Kids came home Sunday night, and at 1am Hattie was puking at my door.  That was day one.  Hattie and Jason stayed home Monday, and I felt a little sick Monday night, but I thought we were in the clear.  Nope.  Tuesday - Jane.  Wednesday - Parker.  Thursday - Derek.  Here it is Friday morning and I hope that the last two are actually spared!  People have called me "high energy" but I'm not sure I actually believed them until recently.  This life sure does take a lot of energy.

But...  I'm HAPPY.  Despite the petty baptism stuff, I am OVER IT.  I am not concerned with Rick or Carolyn, what they do, or what they think.  I wish we could move on and be friends, ACTUAL FRIENDS, for the sake of the children.  I doubt it.  But I honestly wish...

Despite an insane week of sick kids, lots of laundry (more than usual with all the germs everywhere!,) cleaning constantly, no Grandma to help, and very little sleep....  I do not feel angry.  I feel (literally) love and forgiveness toward Rick.  I look forward to moving forward.

Worthy

“God the Father is merciful and has infinite love for you despite your faults. Only the voice of Satan will cause you to feel of no value.”

Anthony D. Perkins, Liahona, Nov 2006, 76–78

This morning I went back and looked at the few brief email interactions with Eric that I kept in my records.  I am feeling confident and positive, so I felt strong enough to look at it all with new eyes.  The most important thing I can share here is that the messages he sent me were filled with  lies.  Blatant lies.  When a person is making assessments about another person based on lies, it only follows that the resulting accusations will also be false and misguided.  Frustrating, but what a relief.  Very little of what he said about me, my marriage, the breakup of my marriage, was true.  And, therefore, the attacks to my character are completely untrue.  As I said, what a relief.  Comforting to be strengthened by the truth once again.

Eric proclaimed to love me as a father.  He suggested that his attacks were things I needed to understand "for my own good."  How presumptuous.  I know better.  He considers himself my father only to feed his own delusion of grandeur and ego.  He will never be a father to me, much less a loving father.  Yuck.  The thought makes me sick.  He actually said that "as I am" I will never make it to the celestial kingdom.  Ha ha.  How would he even know, and I know better!  I know that I am enough, striving every day with sincere intent.  Success toward exaltation is not a tally of perfect actions.  Our success is in our hearts, in our goals, in our willingness to accept our faults and take responsibility for our mistakes.  In our willingness to do the RIGHT THING, despite it's difficulty, and despite temptation from the adversary to stray. 

Studying, pondering, staying in the truth is *truly* empowering!  <3

Baptism

What a wonderful baptismal preparation program the Stake put on this evening.  It was very informative for the kids, and it was a great time for me to bond a little with Jason.  Grateful to Brian for babysitting.  My mom is out of town all week.

Also grateful that Rick did not make a big deal about the baptism.  Jason is happy to have Jason do it, since Rick admitted to his son that he will "most likely" not be able to do it.  What a relief.

Saw a couple (and their children) at the program tonight who used to be friends through Rick and are still Rick's friends.  Awkward.  Especially since it is one of the two couples who were reportedly at their wedding.  Ick.

I read scriptures with Hattie tonight.  I have decided that I am going to at least read with the big kids as much as possible.  I've let it go because it has become such a hassle and a zoo, but I know I need to get back into the habit.  I want the kids to be more confident in their spiritual strength.  I want them to know and feel my testimony.  I want them to have the Spirit as their constant companion.  I can help them achieve those things!

Love

I've decided it will be much more healthy for me to sign all of my emails to Rick with "Love," instead of "Thank you,"

What do you think?

I've already noticed it feels better.  Like I've actually been putting more love into them.  Well, it's a start, at least.

Patriarch

After a series of frustrating and disturbing emails back and forth to Rick, I had let anger get the better of me.  I prefer posting the entire course of email interaction, so that you all can directly read each of our words and get a better understanding of how the communication progressed, but I am not sure it is ideal.  Maybe some of my "devoted" readers can let me know if you prefer to have the actual black and white to read for yourself, or if you are satisfied with my summaries of the "fights."  Today I will do my best to summarize (which, of course, includes my editorial...)

Thursday evening I sent an email to Rick in preparation for the weekend.  There is a meeting tonight for all Baptisms in the Stake for 2012, and Jason will turn 8 at the end of March.  I wanted to notify him about the meeting and introduce the subject of "the baptism" for discussion.  I have thought, pondered and prayed on this subject for at least a year now.  Given Rick's course of action in this time, my assumption has been that he would not be able to perform the ordinance.  A man must have and be worthy of the priesthood in order to participate in such things.  It is why he was unable to do Parker's Blessing as well.  In all of my thoughts, I had settled on a personal desire to have the baptism done by the missionary who baptized me.  His name is Jason Sterzer (yes, my Jason is his namesake!) and we have remained friends since my introduction to the church.  He attended Hattie's baby blessing (where he proposed to his now wife at the beach while he was here!), we attended his temple sealing (driving to Utah in the dead of Winter with a 4 month old baby!), and we have tried hard to maintain close contact since his mission.  It makes sense to me.  I have always been aware, however, that Rick would probably want his biological father, Eric, to do it.  I am uncomfortable with that option.  I reached out to his father on several occasions over the course of the past year and a half.  The last time was in May of last year, and I was received with such hateful attacks that I spent days crying over the hurt I felt.  Examples of the types of things he told me were that Rick had received revelation regarding his relationship with Carolyn, he supported and trusted his son, I had proven myself to be unworthy and unrighteous, etc.  Mind you, these are all my words, not direct quotes from him.  I do not allow myself to re-read even the one copy of an email I still have because the negative spirit brings me to a very dark, dismal place.  I give only the gist of the feelings I got from the pages and pages of drivel I received from him.  No, there is no way I will allow Eric Madsen (or any of his children) to perform the baptism on Jason.  I have no faith in the power of his priesthood or trust in his authority.  He has burned that bridge.

Of course, Rick responded to my email (which only mentioned the prospect of Sterzer possibly doing it) with all sorts of craziness.  He said not to "count me out" to baptize his son.  And then suggestion (as expected) Eric or one of his sons.  I responded with a resounding NO WAY.  He then laid into me about my prejudice, pride, and hate which hurts others (even my children.)  He closed his letter with the statement :

You must be careful that this decision be made in the right order the
right way.

His words had their desired affect.  I was livid in my anger.  Who does he think he is, preaching to me about decisions being made in the right order??  In the right way???  Oh my goodness!  I wrote the following to him:
Yes, I have a serious problem with your father, Eric.  My problem is based on the way I have been treated by him and the things (lies and attacks) he has said to me.  You were not ever directly involved, and therefore, have NO understanding of why or where I base my decisions. I absolutely do not consider him the patriarch of our family.  Also, your ability to manipulate the church leaders who do not know the truth does not say anything about your true worthiness.  Only God can judge, and we will see who is left standing in the end.  I am not concerned about my exaltation.

Your self-righteous attitude is sad and disgusting, as I am well aware that you are the one suffering with pride, ego, etc.  If you had been willing to soften your heart, our family would not have been destroyed.

You could very easily have maintained worthiness to perform the ordinances in our family, but you made other (prideful, SELFISH) choices, and therefore, we are all suffering.  Your decision to dishonor your priesthood had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.  It was not my choice, or my fault.  Get over yourself.

The children's records are with me, I will make the final decision.  DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT MAKING RIGHT CHOICES IN THE RIGHT WAY!!!!!  You couldn't be any more hypocritical.  Are you really planning to NOT allow your son to be baptized?  I offered you the courtesy of having input on who performs it, but I will not allow it to be a Madsen.  I have made myself clear.

I have reviewed texts and emails between us and I am astounded by all of the lies you told me (and I BELIEVED!!) over and over.  My gut knew better then, but my love for you blinded my ability to see you for who you are.  I thought you were a man who loved his family, did the right thing, honored the priesthood.  I was horribly, terribly wrong.  Thank you for finally showing your true character for all to see.

My feelings are based on facts and experiences.  I admit to my anger toward you, Eric, Carolyn, etc...  I am not a liar.  I tried to lie to you, my husband, and I couldn't do it for more than 2 months.  You carried on an affair for over a year and LIED LIED LIED TO EVERYONE.  It still hurts me.  I admit it.

I don't care about your prayers for me.  I am sad for you in your delusional state.  My prayer for you is the same as it has always been, that you one day see the truth.

Amber

But church today really provided me with peace.  And I came home and decided to look further into the subjects we had discussed in our emails.  Finally, today, I sent him the following email.  I welcome input from the peanut gallery:

I am sorry for once again allowing myself to be hurt and upset by our interactions.  I let my anger get the better of me, and I am still continuing to learn to have faith in the truth in the face of lies and deceit.  I hope you had a pleasant, enjoyable weekend with the children.

I am looking forward to the Baptism meeting with Jason this evening.  I am still open to discussion and agreement about who performs Jason's baptism.  If there were any possible way for you to do it, I would welcome it.  However, I am doubtful of that possibility (regardless of what you might have me believe), and I have already let you know who my "Top 3" alternate choices would be.  I think it is wonderful that Jason Sterzer is willing to make the trip out here to baptize his namesake.  Let me know if you can think of another who may be more appropriately suited to participate (barring the obvious, previously discussed...)

I was doing some research on priesthood and patriarchal responsibility and I found this article (among many others) that helped clarify my knowledge and understanding about the subject.  It also speaks to my experience with Eric, and my unwillingness to budge on that subject.  The term patriarch, in the context of the church, is directly related to a man's priesthood authority and whether or not he is using it righteously.  Simply being a male person who is the supposed "head" of household does not provide a man with spiritual superiority or the authority that is implied through using the term "patriarch."  When a man chooses to give up his priesthood right and power in pursuit of his own personal desires, his authority as "patriarch" no longer holds.  Recovering that authority takes time, humility, and sincere repentance.

http://lds.org/ensign/1989/07/unrighteous-dominion?lang=eng

With all my love,
Amber

Forgiving The Pharisees

Another amazing day of testimonies.  Received peace and revelation during sacrament regarding what my Heavenly Father expects of me.  Back to finding forgiveness.  I am so angry at Rick because I let myself get sucked into his lies and his "holier than thou" attitude, but I need more confidence that I KNOW THE TRUTH.  The pharisees preached and judged, but they were misguided; They were wrong.  Just because Rick says something, doesn't make it true.

My job now is to learn how to forgive in the face of blatant deceit, negativity, hurt, and judgement.

The Lord does not bless unrighteous dominion.

I have been doing research on the subject and have once again found peace in truth.  I need to trust my own ability to understand gospel principles.  I need to trust my own knowledge of truth and righteousness.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to grow and learn in my faith.