This week was not nearly as excruciating as last week. Minimal crying. Hooray for me. I've learned so much about myself. Most importantly that I've been in denial for months now. I cannot change my husband's mind. It is not in my control AT ALL. Despite my best efforts, he is not (at this point) going to come back and be with his family. That is his choice, his agency, and I have to let it go. Okay, maybe that's not the most important part. It could be that the most important part is that I have a lot of trouble with emotional intimacy. I'm not sure if that's why or because it was so lacking in my marriage, but there it is. Something to work on. Something to figure out, before I can have a good relationship with my husband or anyone else... Working on things is a lot of work, it seems.
I did, however, get "permission" from my therapist to continue blogging. Hooray for that, too. He says it's good for me to get my feelings out. Apparently it's been good for other people too. I am so glad. Really happy that I'm not just indulging myself and that someone out there is actually getting something useful from the things I've posted. That is a positive, even if my marriage fails. I've done all I can. I'm staying willing. That's all that Heavenly Father wants from me at this point. Not giving up, just re-directing.
There is peace (and even happiness) in acceptance, as difficult as it is to accept.
P.S. Hearing rescheduled to April 18. What are the chances we'll actually be divorced by June? Wondering if we'll make it to our 12th anniversary. That'd be kind of cool... :-/
No comments:
Post a Comment