Perfectly Flawed

I could probably write every single day that having 6 kids is SUCH a challenge! Haha. Not that I'm feeling sorry for myself. I love these kids so much. Even the rough days are good. At least once they are in bed. :)

Church was amazing again today. I love Sundays. It is tough having the children in Sacrament meeting, but I have gotten so much help and support from the ward. Today, one of the Sisters met us in the parking lot. I was changing Jane's diaper in the van (Oh no! Get the wipes! Quick!) and putting on her tights and shoes. Parker was screaming non-stop. Hattie was sitting and reading, and Breanna was still missing a shoe. She asked if I needed help. I never really know how to respond. I mean, I guess the answer to that is always yes. The fact is, I always think - "If I don't have help, I will just have to figure it out. So, no, I don't need the help." I can't really think for myself in those moments, so I was grateful when she just decided to bring the boys into the building with her. With that big van (and now with 11am church) we have to park WAY at the back of the parking lot. It is a long walk in (and out, incidentally.) As I was putting Parker into his wrap, I saw them entering through the first set of doors into the building. Grateful, I certainly was, that she had taken them. The girls, and Parker, and I made our way to the building through the cold. Finally entering Sacrament meeting, I couldn't see my boys. A friend let me know where they were. We walked past them to find our seats, and Hattie wanted to stop and stay with the family with whom the boys were sitting. Three kids down. The other three and I made our way to our normal seats with the Stryker girls. They had brought crayons and coloring books. It seems that they have taken my family on as a calling of their own. So sweet and such an awesome help to me. Breanna immediately took to the coloring. So I just had Parker (in the wrap) and Janey (climbing on me) to contend with... Jane vascillated between the young women and me. Somehow, it was still challenging, but it was definitely not as stressful as it may have otherwise been.

I was able to listen to the speakers and could truly appreciate the messages imparted. Particularly, the second speaker, who spoke of his experience as a single father (of three) who eventually joined the church and married a single mother (of five), really inspired me. I cried. Today was already hard as I struggled with renewed thoughts of the wrongs I have committed and the hurt I have caused. I intensely feel the possibility that perhaps I have hurt him too much for him to give me another try. The only difficulty with that idea I now have is that he's not staying on the right path, not setting a righteous example for our children. I could respect his choice if it were coming from a sincere place of truth. Unfortunately, I know that it cannot be... I felt emotional today, questioning myself, wondering if I even deserve the intact family I desire. I asked my Bishop for a Priesthood blessing.

The Blessing was just what I needed. I was given reassurance that I need to trust myself and my ability to feel and follow the Spirit. Heavenly Father encouraged me to continue to strengthen my Faith, to communicate with Him (sincerely and readily) and trust in God. Trust in God. He knows me; He knows our struggles; He knows our hearts. He has a Plan. I will be the spiritual leader for this family, and God will bless me with that strength. He assured me of that today. I need to keep the Spiritual Well full on my own. Lately I've been relying on Sundays too much.

I'm grateful, so very grateful, for the support I've gotten from so many sources. Members of the Church, Facebook Friends, and readers of this blog have all offered support in varied ways. It keeps me going.

I will never be perfect. Never be a perfect person, a perfect wife, or a perfect mother. But I KNOW that I don't have to be. I know that being me is going to be enough. Eventually.