Right and Wrong

I have wasted a lot of time, texts, and energy trying to show (convince?) Rick of the right and the wrong in this situation. Over and over telling him I understand how he's feeling, I forgive him, begging for forgiveness myself. I am sorry for my actions, but his actions are destroying our family now. Why can't I accept that he just doesn't care. He doesn't care about me. He doesn't care about right and wrong. Funny part is that I can totally accept that he doesn't care about me. I do not know how to accept that he doesn't care about what is right or wrong in this situation.

My husband, as long as I have known him, was the guy who always, ALWAYS did the "right thing" - or at least completely UNDERSTOOD the right thing to do in any given situation. He honored Priesthood, his AND other people's. He BELIEVED in the doctrine of the church. I am incapable of wrapping my mind around the concept that this is the same guy I married. Obviously he isn't. But still... I married the guy who did the right thing! And now... he has a girlfriend while he's still married to me. He has completely involved her in my children's lives, to the extent that she is sleeping over there each night with the kids now. Really? Did he forget we are Mormon?

I would NEVER have imagined being in this position. I always thought, ALWAYS BELIEVED that my husband was LITERALLY a better person than me. I thought he was stronger spiritually. I thought he was nicer. I thought he was GOOD, down to the core. It is devastating to realize how completely wrong I was. I am the one who is supposed to be living with some other guy before we are divorced. He is the one who is supposed to be fighting for his family, clinging to eternity. I am not sure how to even comprehend the role reversal here. Really.

Turns out, I am the strong one. Who knew? Oh wait, strong in general? I think that part I knew. But spiritually, I had forsaken the church years ago. And as recent as a week before my change of heart I was telling myself there was "no way" I would ever believe my affair was "wrong", no way I would wait until divorce to date, no way I would wait for marriage to have sex again. Seriously. One week. And a week later, I had a new heart. And five months later, I still have it. I know that I can and will live righteously. I know that living righteously is the only path to true happiness - for myself and my children. I pray my example will be strong enough to overcome the damage he is doing, the damage he has already done, the example he is setting. I pray they will not internalize the statements he is making, through his actions, about VALUES AND MORALITY. I still pray, every day, that he will come to his senses, repent, choose his eternal family once again. But that dream is beginning to drift further and further away. Also makes me sad. And hopeful. My future will be blessed, regardless.