Struggle/Control

Ah, my friend. I have a very hard time letting things go. Okay, maybe letting go of "control"... except it isn't really letting go when I DON'T HAVE CONTROL IN THE FIRST PLACE, is it? So, letting go of TRYING to have control... Am I getting closer to the truth yet?

I have a very good therapist. Except he HAS started poking at the raw spots, making me "uncomfortable" to get past my weaknesses (emotional blocks?). Frustrating! Rick and I had been to many different therapists and never have I made the progress I am making now. I don't know if I should credit my counselor or myself. It could be that I am finally in a place where I can start to get through this stuff. Maybe being "with" Rick, I just wanted to continue to keep up appearances, and now I am actually free to make changes. And we all know change is scary. Boy, is change scary. Although I have to credit my guy at least a little bit. He sure knows how to keep me in line...

I don't know how to give up, on my marriage and my family and I don't know how NOT TO give up. Sometimes I am angry at Heavenly Father for leading me down this path, showing me the "right way" and insisting that I take it. And because I know that is what I MUST do, I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I have to actively work at it, constantly. When I really just need to let it go. Stop trying to force it. Hardest thing in the world to do. But then, what if I put it in a different way... Maybe all I need to do is... Have faith? Trust God? HE has made known unto me what HE forsees. He has given me this vision, this testimony of my eternal family. Is my faith insufficient? I hope not.

Patience has never been my strong suit. I do much better with some sort of distraction. But "distractions" are never a good idea with me. Sigh.

Most of the time, I honestly wish I didn't love my husband. Wish I didn't have hope or desire for our family. Wish I could be in that selfish and ignorant bliss where I spent so much time. That would be easier. Being selfish always feels easier, happier, but doing the right thing feels better. In the long run. And righteous living is the means to true love and happiness like no other. Righteous living. I'm sorry it took me so long to find this place. I wish we had found it together.