Sad

I have entered into a state of deep contemplation.  In between the insanity of life, that is.  I still think a lot about my marriage and its failings, but I am feeling a freedom from the overwhelming devastation that is divorce.  I am sad that it ended.  I am (still) very sad that my husband gave up on me.  It (still) hurts so much, even though I know that I deserve more, I deserve better than the way he has treated me.  I'm sure he feels the same way.  I really wish I could have helped him heal from the hurt I caused.  I am feeling so much sadness this morning.

I am also filled with gratitude for my many, many blessings and for the extensive amount of support I have gotten (and am still getting) from family and friends.  I am grateful for the roof over my head (and my children's heads!) and the warm beds we all sleep in each night.  I fear the games that Rick plays of "you could come live with me" and the confusion it creates in their heads.  I am grateful for the Truth of the Spirit to guide me each day.

I am confused myself.  I don't know where to go from here.  I don't know what to do or where to turn.  I am grateful for a strong, healthy relationship with a man I trust.  I am grateful for the love and commitment he has shown to me and to my children.  I am grateful that the future looks bright, even though it isn't set in stone.

I know God loves me.  I always thought this was a weird thing to remind oneself, but I find myself repeating it often.  Sometimes I feel so unlovable.  Sometimes I feel that because I couldn't keep my husband's love, I do not deserve to be loved.  I have to remind myself it isn't true.  I have to remind myself that my Heavenly Father, my Creator, loves me despite my imperfections, despite my flaws, despite my tarnished soul. 

A crying baby must put a halt to my lamentations and tears this morning.  My heart is grateful, but it is also filled with sadness.  Every day is different.