Why?

I have thought long and hard about why I chose to do the things I did. I think that it is common for someone who is betrayed to wonder, and I wanted to have an answer for anyone who asked. I also wanted to understand the feelings behind my own actions. In our couples therapy, after the "incident" in 2008, our counselor explained that we act on our feelings. We need to accept and understand our feelings so that we can understand and control our own actions. The choices I was making seemed irrational (even at the time) but obviously they were coming from my "feelings" that were very real...

Obviously, since I was unfaithful to my husband, I was not happy in my marriage. Obviously, since he is not choosing to work things out with me now, Rick, too, was unhappy in our marriage. It was not a good marriage. But it still can be.

The emails between my "affair" and me were basically of a light and friendly nature. For me, looking outside my marriage was always about getting attention, getting more attention, getting a different type of attention. I never knew what I was longing for, looking for, until I actually found it. My "distractions" always ended up being a disappointment, never enough to feed whatever this desire was that I had. This relationship was somehow different. Someone from my past, someone I had dated (briefly, innocently) in high school, gave the illusion of familiarity, comfort, and closeness. The letters we exchanged were simple, not sordid or explicit. Not "What color are your underwear?" or "How often do you like it?" but "What color did you paint your toes?" and "How are you wearing your hair today?"... Details. Attention to details. My favorite color is red, I love being tall and wearing high heels. No detail was unimportant. I felt adored, desired. This was not the way my marriage made me feel (does anyone's??) and I let myself become infatuated.

The reality was, it was an illusion - a fantasy. That is what an affair is, really. The grass is greener, and all that. I never considered myself to be much of a romantic, but through this experience I realized that I do like, need, appreciate all of the "romantic" stuff. My marriage (though our reasons were very "practical") started in a romantic way. A two-week courtship certainly SEEMS romantic, and, I think, for a while, at least, that was enough. But two weeks is not a courtship, and I was never "wooed" by my husband. We just kind of DECIDED and then it was done. He had me. No effort necessary. This tendency toward shortcuts characterized much of our relationship/marriage. We skipped so many steps. Rushed into buying our first house (we were not financially ready) and then got pregnant too quickly. Then we continued to make terrible decisions about finances, and CONTINUED having children. And more children... No romance. Ever.