One of two statements that my therapist asked me to consider over the course of the next week.
I guess if I actually believed that I didn't DESERVE to be hurting, I would stop hurting myself. Or more accurately, stop putting myself into situations that I KNOW will cause me hurt. Stop trying to force change where there is no apparent desire for change... I would just "accept what is"... I'm just not sure how to do that.
I think my biggest problem is that I am afraid that if I stop anything, I will be "giving up" and I do not want to give up on my family. To truly fight for this family, I have to be fighting, actively. Except it hasn't been very productive so far. Actually it has been quite counter-productive.
So, do I deserve to hurt? Absolutely. I want to be punished. Mostly, I believe that if I just put up with enough abuse... But apparently that's MY way. Testing. So this isn't a test of my love. It's outright rejection. And that's the part I have a hard time accepting. Especially when it's a rejection of who I WAS, and not who I AM now.
He hurt my feelings today, the therapist, disagreeing with me. And I shut down, closed off completely. He told me that I have to tell him when I am upset with him about something he's said. I'm supposed to talk about my feelings with him, and I didn't realize how difficult that was for me. I started to cry. Hard. Uncontrollably, really. I think the real problem is not talking about my feelings, but talking to someone in particular about how THEY've made me feel. Suddenly I realize I have intimacy issues. The fact is, I was crying for no other reason than I miss my husband. There is no other person I want to talk to about my feelings. Not being able to hurts. So I keep trying. And keep hurting. Thus my cycle.
I guess the truth is probably that I don't deserve to be hurting like this, but I'm not sure what it would take for me to actually believe it. To realize that no amount of hurting will be enough to change anything. I really don't know what it would take.
1 comment:
Hi, Amber.
Am SO SORRY you are going through this. Have you been asked to read The Miracle of Forgiveness? It was one that my husband and I read together. It's tough at the beginning, but if you hang in there, there is quite a sense of love, forgiveness and redemption at the end. He is also reading, "Forgiving Ourselves: Getting Back Up When We Let Ourselves Down" By Wendy Ulrich. This book has also been invaluable. In my opinion, it starts up where The Miracle of Forgiveness leaves off. Miracle is very much "You did wrong! Shame! Shame!" And the other book is very much, "You know you did wrong, you are sorry...now what?" My husband says it helps him to keep in perspective that... yes, he sinned... yes he is sorry... but he is a child of God who is loved beyond belief. It also gives practical guidelines as to what is proper repentance, and what is just torturing yourself. Sounds like it might help.
I keep praying for you, your family, and Rick. Praying so hard that all hearts will be changed and aligned with the will of the Father.
Thank you so much for sharing. It's hard to read as you never want to see anyone in this much pain and agony... however, it's inspiring to those that are trying to figure their own way through. Thank you for everything you have said, felt, and shared.
Yes... this is from who you think it is.
Much love to you and your family.
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