Happy Anniversary.

The most frustrating thing is that I really do think about and worry about and digest many many other subjects.  How can I change the focus to something more productive?  As I use the blog to release my tension and anger, it is only natural that the crap I am dealing with regarding the EX would be included here...  But, I get it.  I need to get over it.  I need to move on.  How do I do that?

One would think that another relationship would be a great way to let go of the demons of the past and move forward.  Unfortunately, that is no fool-proof answer, and although I am grateful for the patience and support I have received in my new relationship, it has in NO WAY fixed all my problems. As my parents so delicately pointed out this weekend, it brings new complications all its own.  Yes, I get that.  And in other ways, it is a lifesaver - HE is a lifesaver. 

Having six children is a lot of work.  A LOT of work.  I would dare to say it is IMPOSSIBLE to do alone.  I've been here at my parents since my separation and have received an immeasurable amount of help from them.  From financial help, to emotional help, to physical help, I have leaned on my family from the very beginning.  A couple of months ago, my parents made it clear that they would like for me to "figure out" how to do it "on my own."  Now, the reality is that there is no such thing as "on my own."  If I am not relying as fully on my mom and stepdad for the physical help (babysitting, meals, baths, bed, etc.) I will have to fill in that gap somewhere.  My sister-in-law Trina has recently stepped in to help, but the rest of that void has been lovingly and cheerfully filled by Brian.  He works through the evenings many nights a week, but has been willing to (on his "free" evenings) come over and hold/feed the baby while I am doing dinner, baths, beds.  He (Dad of two young boys, but mostly on the weekends) has adjusted to my parenting style and has learned how to enforce the weeknight routine we have instituted in this household.  He's washed dishes, cleared tables, and (OF COURSE) held a baby for hours on end, even a screaming one.  He has played with the children, given "superman" rides, told story upon story to an eager crowd.  He has let me cry and made me laugh (and laugh and laugh) when that is what I've needed.  I feel safe.  I know I can trust.  I am enough when he is with me.

So, now, on to the concept of dating in a general (and perhaps hypothetical??) sense.  Who on earth would date a woman with six kids?  To even consider it, you would have to be a little on the crazy side.  Dating a man with six kids is nearly as crazy, but he's only got 20% custody!  It isn't at all the same!!  So, I have to wonder - why?  Can I trust you with my heart?  With my children?  And how many conniving, slimy losers would I have to date before I found one who might possibly be worth my time?  Am I willing to expose my children to even a small fraction of the number it would take?  No way.  Dating sucks.  I know this.  I first met Brian when I was 14 years old.  I liked him then.  He made me laugh.  :-)  And throughout high school, I admired him for his eccentric personality, sense of humor, and confidence.  I always wanted to know him better.  I do now, and he is all that and more.

I present all of this to show that I have not taken my decision to be "involved" with Brian lightly.  He is good for me.  He is good for my children.  He is a good person.  Through and through.  Does he have flaws?  Of course, WE ALL DO.  I am, frankly, amazed (and grateful!) he has stuck by me all this time through my emotional ups and downs.  He has navigated a stream of mixed messages, very clear messages, and contrary messages and found his way to my heart.

If there is one thing I know, it is that imperfection is universal.  I know I am working every day to better myself and the lives of my kids.  Brian helps me do that in countless ways.