Until September 25, 2010, I don't think I had ever truly felt a broken heart. I'm sure my heart had been hurt, bruised, maybe even cracked before, but never, ever had I experienced this depth of despair. As time went on my heart began to break more and more, for different reasons and in different ways, but I certainly learned that a REAL broken heart is something unique and devastating. Getting through that has been a journey all its own. Separate from my marriage, from my children, from my family and friends. It changes a person. No one can know how until you experience it. And if you accept it, own it, learn from it, it will change you for the better. Otherwise, it is likely to change you for the worse.
At the time, I thought Matt Stevens had broken my heart. I've felt heartbroken when some of my girlfriends moved on from our friendship. Many others of my "boyfriends" along the way definitely hurt me and some even made me cry. A broken heart and a contrite spirit - that is what the Savior asks of us. And we will never know how it truly feels until it happens to us. My repentance has been a more profound experience than any other thing I have gone through - baptism, marriage, birthing children...
I know that I have changed for the better. I could list the ways, but it would only be boring and self serving. Those who know me and love me, those who have seen me through this transformation could surely tell you specifics. However, I've also found that the experience of a broken heart, the experience of a divorce, can dull or even numb a person's emotions. Sometimes I find myself thinking that nothing really matters anyway, that everything is expendable. My children, of course, are not included in that equation, but in the context of romantic relationships, I have very little faith. Yes, Brian has been amazing, and I am not discounting him in any way. I speak only of my own inability to believe in a complete future for myself. It must come down to fear. It must come down to the unspeakable failure that is a divorce.
Sometimes, I think I see myself happy, truly happy - not the pretend kind that I perpetuated for all of those years. That kind was so much work that I get tired just thinking about ever living that life again. I look forward to the relaxed kind. The kind where I live in harmony with God, life, love, and everyone around me. I absolutely see glimpses of it. I am in the process of letting go of the anger I feel toward those who have hurt me - the one who has broken my heart. I am in the process of forgiving. I hope I can accomplish that goal soon. I know it is the only way to find peace. I know it is the only way to piece this heart back together and trust in love again.
2 comments:
Amber:
Anyone who has been thru a divorce, wether they wanted it or not, knows your feelings. Its been over 3 years and it It gets a little easier to deal with , but I dont think anyone will ever fully recover from a broken union. I still struggle with it from time to time and I see you going thru the raw parts...I truly am amazed by your open and honest posts. Most of us dont want to admit how devastating and hard it is...Good for you for all that you are doing and continue..to do..
I still have not gotten over it. I would have been married 16 years this year. I know in my heart that this is the path God has put me on.
The only thing that made me feel better was getting away from my ex. The constant reminder was gone. He gave up rights to his son for back childsupport and his freedom.
How do you give up a child? You know what I am so glad he did.
He has contacted me several times over the years. This time I finally had my husband write him a cease and desist ... He has no legal rights to me or my child.
It doesn't hurt anymore that he contacts me to attempts to... it does fade. What sometimes hurts is that I failed to have the *perfect family* I wanted from the start. I chose poorly. I DID THAT to my kid. :( Makes me angry. But then I remember that the Lord gave me Matt to take that ALL AWAY. Maybe I went through what I did because the Lord KNEW I needed something better in my life.
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