Dreams

Dreams can be cathartic.  I had some weird ones yesterday, and I woke up so refreshed - ready to start anew!  In my dream, I had a heart to heart conversation with Rick.  A sincere, honest, heart to heart conversation.  He told me how hurt he was, how hurt he had been.  He told me that he was truly happy with Carolyn.  He told me that he had thought about how difficult things are for the children, and that he sees how hard it is on them, but that he is choosing to be happy, choosing himself.  It was mildly upsetting for me, but it was closure.  I could beg on my hands and knees for honesty at that level, and I will never get it.  It is merely a "dream" that will never come true.  I have to be satisfied with the fantasy version.  It felt good yesterday.  I felt strong in my newly divorced state.  I felt empowered.

Today, I woke up tired.  Paco has been teething all night the past few nights, and sleep has been scarce.  When I am tired, I tend to get more emotional (even when I remember my meds, which I DID!) than normal.  Crazy, I know.  I really did feel a lot of sadness today.  I wished I could have made things go differently.  I felt the sting of the rejection from Rick.  I felt the failure.  I felt S A D!  Today, I wanted to reach out to him and apologize.  I wanted to make him understand how terrible I feel about everything that has transpired between us.  I wanted to cry.  Oh wait.  I did cry.  But as I thought about what words I might have for him, it just made me more and more sad.  He has no interest in listening to my apologies.  He may say he "forgives" me, but he has no forgiveness in his heart.  He is quick to remind me of all the ways I "wronged" him over and over.  That is not the love of Christ.  That is not forgiveness.  I still strive to find forgiveness in my heart for him.  Forgiveness in my heart for myself.  I want to repair that relationship - not as man and wife (because that is obviously OVER) but as parents of six children, as human beings, as children of our Heavenly Father.  I want to make things better.  I want to make it right.  I still don't know how.  I hope some day I find a way.