Waves

The emotion hits me in waves.  I am so angry.  So so very angry.  Today has been a rough day, and I burst into tears the minute that the kids left with their Dad.  I wonder how I can even feel anything any more.  How can this still hurt me??  How does he feel NOTHING at the loss of our family??  I am finding myself to be repeatedly destroyed by the feelings.

I hate his self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude.  Heavenly Father BROKE ME DOWN.  Talk about a broken heart and a contrite spirit.  Oh my goodness.  And I have pretty much poured all that suffering into this blog.  Repentance brings a very special kind of truth and understanding.  I seriously had never experienced it before.

So, it makes me angry that he refuses to accept responsibility for his own actions.  Angers me more that he has justified all of his actions, rationalized all of his behavior - INCLUDING refusing to pay child support until the Dept of Child Support Services starts taking the money out of his check.  His arrears are well up over $18,000 now.  Yes, I think people should know.  Know exactly who this guy is.  What a "great" father he is.

My problem is accepting that he will NEVER recognize what he has done.  I am willing to take all the blame.  I just don't know how to believe he will NEVER see the truth.  I believed in him.  He has proven himself to be someone else entirely, but that is literally a break in sanity.  How do I give up on the idea that he might actually one day realize how crazy this all is??

So, so very angry.