I wish I had more time to write/post to this blog. Life is so full right now. I am so happy and excited for the present and the future.
On Thursday, February 9, escrow closed on the house where the kids and I will soon live. It is a perfect house in a great neighborhood with awesome schools. We already know our next door neighbors (Derek played soccer with their son!) so the kids (and I!) have ready-made friends. It is thrilling. We kept the house plans secret until escrow closed (you never know what could happen when you are trying to buy a house) so we got to do a big "reveal" on Thursday night. The kids were sufficiently impressed, excited and grateful! We've been there every day since, and the excitement has not subsided. I feel the same way as I begin to prepare the house to become our home.
Friday was Derek's birthday. Since we finally had keys to the house, and it needs a decent amount of cosmetic work done, I spent the morning at the new house meeting with contractors. After picking up the middles from school (and Derek's birthday cake from the store) we headed back to the house for more cleaning and to wait for the locksmith. I even left the kids at the neighbor's and the locksmith at the house to go pick up the bigguns. Finally, with 6 kids in my possession, I quickly bathed the babies (at the neighbor's house!) and headed to Chuck E. Cheese for Derek's birthday party.
The party was, in a word, AMAZING. The kids had a blast playing games, and collected their tickets together. I like to encourage them to pool all of the tickets and then split them evenly at the end. They ate pizza and cake, and watched Derek do the "ticket blaster" - unfortunately he did not manage to grab that magic "1,000 tickets" ticket. He did, however, walk away with well over 200 tickets from his ticket blaster experience.
Saturday we went back to the house with Brian and the boys (the kids wanted to show off the new house!) and then we headed to Knott's Berry Farm since we all have passes. Brian's oldest son, Joseph turned 9 on Sunday, so we were celebrating his birthday together for a few hours. Then we went BACK TO the house. We seriously cannot get enough of this place. I think even the kids can already feel it is "home." We hung out, played, ate cake, played, and played until dark. Exhausted, we came back to Grandma and Papa's house for baths and bed before church on Sunday.
Sunday - church. Of course it was great, and I got to share with my bishop the thoughts on "anchoring" I learned at therapy on Wednesday. I also began reading a book entitled "Joint Custody with a Jerk." Now, before you start jumping to conclusions, it is actually more about how I can change myself and my own attitude in order to have a happier life (for myself and the children,) even when communication with my ex is difficult. It doesn't focus on the negativity - it really emphasizes our power to control how we are going to be affected by what we experience. I thought this concept tied in well with the thoughts I have been exploring on anchoring...
I had promised the children a campout, and Sunday was the night. They are dying to move in for good, so I agreed (against my better judgement?) to have us all sleep there overnight since today was a holiday from school. Let me tell you, preparing a "campout" with and for six kids is quite the undertaking! Somehow I managed to get together enough blankets, pillows and food to keep us mildly comfortable overnight. Of course, with all the prep work, we didn't even make it to the house until after 7pm.
Wild and crazy sleepover (I HATE sleeping on the floor), and up early this morning so that we could get to the doctors for our follow-up appointment. Parker still has an ear infection so the doctor increased his antibiotics. Hattie needs to be more diligent about her inhalers to get her asthma under control. Another follow-up on Friday. The rest of the children are fine.
Busy weeks ahead as we continue to prepare. Drywall today and tomorrow, electrical Wednesday, and painting this weekend. Next week, hopefully, we will have new carpet. New sliding glass door the following week, and then the big move. At least that's the plan. Keep us in your prayers, we will certainly need them in the coming weeks!
Monday, February 13, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Anchoring
Productive therapy session today has me thinking about where I'm laying my emotional "anchor" for my value and self-worth. My therapist reminded me that the only reliable place to place our anchor is with God, and on our Savior, Jesus Christ. When our hearts are anchored in Him, we are sustained, we remain disciples, we persevere. If we anchor our hearts ANYWHERE ELSE (this includes with a loved one - parent, child, spouse - or our jobs or anything else) then we will be disappointed at some point. We cannot rely on them. We cannot even rely on ourselves. We must completely rely on the Lord to find true contentment in all things.
From the drama of my upbringing, I learned that I could be fulfilled (if only temporarily) by the attention and affection of men. My value and self-worth was based on how attractive I was or how adored I was. This was basically the foundation of all of my issues. In every relationship, I was "the perfect combination of sexy and cute" and I was always in control. I cannot think of a single boyfriend who was able to set boundaries for me - or even one who actually tried. When I got married, my worth was then anchored entirely on Rick and on my marriage. Evidence of this is found in a talk I gave in 2008, where I kept referring to my marriage as the foundation of my faith. Ouch. Should've been a clue, but how clueless I was. When my relationship was failing, I again reverted to the esteem builder of my youth and young-adulthood, that is, attention from men. This was CLEARLY quite detrimental to my marriage. Duh. This pattern did not stop as I did not get the help, guidance and boundaries I desperately needed to be successful in our relationship. My faith was lacking and increasingly waning over the years and years of my marriage. In a future post I will explore the worldly realities contributing to the breakdown of my marriage, beginning in 2008, but for now, I will stay on this point.
This morning I realized that last week, when I had yet another emotional breakdown, I was once again anchoring my self-worth on my ex-husband. I was astounded, and it is very humbling to write publicly, that, at times, I STILL anchor to him. I guess that is out of habit. 12 years of marriage is a long time. The letter he wrote destroyed me, got me doubting my own worth. He is should not have that much power. I should never again anchor my emotional well-being on him.
So, my (very wise) therapist suggested that I periodically (daily????) do an "anchor-check" to see where I am anchored. Even when I am feeling good, it is good to make sure that my good feelings are coming from the right place! They should be coming from Christ! With Him, all things are possible. With Him, forgiveness is real. With Him, we are all redeemed!
From the drama of my upbringing, I learned that I could be fulfilled (if only temporarily) by the attention and affection of men. My value and self-worth was based on how attractive I was or how adored I was. This was basically the foundation of all of my issues. In every relationship, I was "the perfect combination of sexy and cute" and I was always in control. I cannot think of a single boyfriend who was able to set boundaries for me - or even one who actually tried. When I got married, my worth was then anchored entirely on Rick and on my marriage. Evidence of this is found in a talk I gave in 2008, where I kept referring to my marriage as the foundation of my faith. Ouch. Should've been a clue, but how clueless I was. When my relationship was failing, I again reverted to the esteem builder of my youth and young-adulthood, that is, attention from men. This was CLEARLY quite detrimental to my marriage. Duh. This pattern did not stop as I did not get the help, guidance and boundaries I desperately needed to be successful in our relationship. My faith was lacking and increasingly waning over the years and years of my marriage. In a future post I will explore the worldly realities contributing to the breakdown of my marriage, beginning in 2008, but for now, I will stay on this point.
This morning I realized that last week, when I had yet another emotional breakdown, I was once again anchoring my self-worth on my ex-husband. I was astounded, and it is very humbling to write publicly, that, at times, I STILL anchor to him. I guess that is out of habit. 12 years of marriage is a long time. The letter he wrote destroyed me, got me doubting my own worth. He is should not have that much power. I should never again anchor my emotional well-being on him.
So, my (very wise) therapist suggested that I periodically (daily????) do an "anchor-check" to see where I am anchored. Even when I am feeling good, it is good to make sure that my good feelings are coming from the right place! They should be coming from Christ! With Him, all things are possible. With Him, forgiveness is real. With Him, we are all redeemed!
Monday, February 6, 2012
Happy or Unhappy?
I guess I still get to choose.
It is still difficult to see "Richard & Carolyn Thomson" written down. Am I jealous? No, not anymore. I was jealous when he was dating her and I was trying to save our marriage. I was insanely jealous. Am I hurt? Yes, a little, a lot, a little, sometimes. Am I angry? No, not anymore. It just brings me sadness to think about it. Jason has told me several times (in and outside of his therapist's office) that he just pretends they are not married. He is a smart little boy. Maybe that's what I do too.
I went onto Child Support Services today. Total past due support - $20,482.40. Total amount owed - $22,072.40. No payments made. He told me that recovery from his surgery would be 3 months (January) so I wonder why he hasn't gone back to work. I wonder a lot of things.
Saturday was an emotional day in many ways. Trying to make good decisions on behalf of my family (children) is not always easy. Here's to change... it always keeps us on our toes.
It is still difficult to see "Richard & Carolyn Thomson" written down. Am I jealous? No, not anymore. I was jealous when he was dating her and I was trying to save our marriage. I was insanely jealous. Am I hurt? Yes, a little, a lot, a little, sometimes. Am I angry? No, not anymore. It just brings me sadness to think about it. Jason has told me several times (in and outside of his therapist's office) that he just pretends they are not married. He is a smart little boy. Maybe that's what I do too.
I went onto Child Support Services today. Total past due support - $20,482.40. Total amount owed - $22,072.40. No payments made. He told me that recovery from his surgery would be 3 months (January) so I wonder why he hasn't gone back to work. I wonder a lot of things.
Saturday was an emotional day in many ways. Trying to make good decisions on behalf of my family (children) is not always easy. Here's to change... it always keeps us on our toes.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Beams and motes
Matthew 7:3 -
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Humility
I hurt Brian yesterday. I posted something on Facebook with the goal of working through my feelings, fears, doubts, insecurities, and ISSUES. It wasn't intended to be mean, but it ended up being very hurtful to Brian. He had every reason to be upset, and throughout the day, he shared his anger with me. By the time the evening came, we were both still pretty upset about the emotional upheaval of the day. I was silent, and he was very talkative. He repeated to me the specific ways my words had hurt him. I resisted. I got more upset, defensive, argumentative. He did not let up. He conceded the reasonable points I was making, but he patiently, lovingly made his point to me as well. He had been hurt, and I couldn't do that to him again. I COULD NOT do that to him again. He did not stop until he knew I understood completely. It was a long, difficult conversation.
I finally got it. Everything Rick has been complaining about the blog, finally became clear to me. And this is not the first time Brian has taught me about my "bad" behavior.
One day last summer, Brian and I went to Arby's for lunch. The kid behind the counter was some skinny white teenager and my flirt radar lit up. Brian and I were there together, with a months-old baby, yet I began shamelessly flirting with this kid. We ate, and I continued behaving inappropriately. Brian got increasingly shocked and upset as the meal went on, and as soon as we walked out the door of the restaurant he said, "I really wanted to punch that guy in the face!" I was surprised. He observed that my behavior was so natural to me I didn't even realize I was doing it, but he made it very, very clear that I was WRONG. We talked through it. We discussed how those situations were(n't) handled in my marriage. I saw it all in a different light. It hurt him. I had to stop. So I did. Since then, that behavior has not been a problem. Not once. One conversation literally STOPPED the attitude and behavior that DESTROYED my marriage.
Yesterday, I hurt Brian again. It was mean, nasty hurt, and I honestly didn't realize I was doing it. Last night, once again, he taught me something new about myself. I learned that I have another hurtful habit that needs to be corrected. I am in the process of correcting it, for Brian and for Rick too.
I will forever assert that Rick did not take the time to teach me that I needed to change. He expected me to know. My behaviors and actions were wrong. I didn't get it. Now I do.
As much as I have been hurting, I am grateful to be in a relationship with someone who loves me enough to want me to learn how to be better - to want to help me, despite my resistance. I have never felt so loved.
I finally got it. Everything Rick has been complaining about the blog, finally became clear to me. And this is not the first time Brian has taught me about my "bad" behavior.
One day last summer, Brian and I went to Arby's for lunch. The kid behind the counter was some skinny white teenager and my flirt radar lit up. Brian and I were there together, with a months-old baby, yet I began shamelessly flirting with this kid. We ate, and I continued behaving inappropriately. Brian got increasingly shocked and upset as the meal went on, and as soon as we walked out the door of the restaurant he said, "I really wanted to punch that guy in the face!" I was surprised. He observed that my behavior was so natural to me I didn't even realize I was doing it, but he made it very, very clear that I was WRONG. We talked through it. We discussed how those situations were(n't) handled in my marriage. I saw it all in a different light. It hurt him. I had to stop. So I did. Since then, that behavior has not been a problem. Not once. One conversation literally STOPPED the attitude and behavior that DESTROYED my marriage.
Yesterday, I hurt Brian again. It was mean, nasty hurt, and I honestly didn't realize I was doing it. Last night, once again, he taught me something new about myself. I learned that I have another hurtful habit that needs to be corrected. I am in the process of correcting it, for Brian and for Rick too.
I will forever assert that Rick did not take the time to teach me that I needed to change. He expected me to know. My behaviors and actions were wrong. I didn't get it. Now I do.
As much as I have been hurting, I am grateful to be in a relationship with someone who loves me enough to want me to learn how to be better - to want to help me, despite my resistance. I have never felt so loved.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
For Rick's Friends/Family/Loyal Supporters...
If you want to pass along a message, how about this one...
Pay Your Child Support Online! OC Child Support Services
He hasn't paid anything since a $575 check on Feb 5, 2011. He's currently over $20,000 in arrears. Child Support Services WILL accept payments directly from him since the beginning of this year. Still waiting.
Spin it any way you want. I have spent the past year caring for six children. I tried to work and there just are not enough hours in the day. The employer could not work around my familial obligations. Luckily, my parents are taking care of the children's needs.
P.S. Tell him he better hurry to get a payment in this week...
Pay Your Child Support Online! OC Child Support Services
He hasn't paid anything since a $575 check on Feb 5, 2011. He's currently over $20,000 in arrears. Child Support Services WILL accept payments directly from him since the beginning of this year. Still waiting.
Spin it any way you want. I have spent the past year caring for six children. I tried to work and there just are not enough hours in the day. The employer could not work around my familial obligations. Luckily, my parents are taking care of the children's needs.
P.S. Tell him he better hurry to get a payment in this week...
February 2, 2012, 3:00 p.m. PST through February 5, 2012 – Unable to Accept Payments Due to System Maintenance
- The website (www.casdu.com) will be temporarily unavailable to accept payments.
- The website will have an updated design.
Fwd: Love
Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone
----- Forwarded message -----
From: "amberathomson@aol.com" <amberathomson@aol.com>
Date: Mon, Jan 30, 2012 11:19 pm
Subject: Love
To: "Richard Thomson" <rjthomson75@gmail.com>
I attempt to reach out to you with love and kindness, only to be met with resistance and hostility.
Your email is full of falsehoods, not the least of which being your self-righteous assessment of my repentance. Suggesting a talk for me is cute (yes, I've read it) but I can guarantee there is no Prophet, Apostle, or Seventy who has given a talk explaining your lies to be true. I know that there is no way God led you to Carolyn while you were married. You believe differently. The God of my faith would never have led you away from our temple marriage - no matter what mistakes I (or we) made. I was willing to work through them all with you, with the help of Christ and the Atonement. Instead, I was left to work through them and find my way back to Christ (admittedly a long way) on my own - without the eternal companion who covenanted for better or worse and promised to love me forever. You ran and found a new wife. Heavenly Father was not involved in your choice.
If you or your friends would like to refute anything I've posted as false, I welcome it either publicly or privately, but NOT anonymously. I am not anonymous; I believe it is a coward who cannot put their name on their words.
My sincerest, most righteous desire will always be that we put the past behind us and move forward for our children. If we could come to an understanding regarding our shared past, we might have a chance of saving our children from unnecessary strife. Understanding can only come from open communication. I have expressed willingness in this regard from the beginning. If you ever had a sincere desire to repair our relationship as co-parents, I absolutely would be willing to leave it out of the blog, at your specific request. You've never expressed even an INSINCERE desire to get along with me beyond a curt politeness. That type/level of relationship does nothing to ease our children's burdens. The best way to be divorced is to have them see that we truly are still family to each other. They need to feel that love between their parents, even though it will never again be a romantic love.
With Sincere Love,
Amber
Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone
----- Reply message -----
From: "Richard Thomson" <rjthomson75@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Jan 30, 2012 4:23 pm
Subject: Optimism
To: <amberathomson@aol.com>
-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Fwd: Optimism
From: rjthomson75@gmail.com
To: Amber Thomson <amberathomson@aol.com>
CC:
Your life may not be private and you have a tell all commitment with
anyone who will listen.We all know there have been wrongs and hurt on
both sides.You choose to air out mine stating that its your truth and
it is your truth. The thing is you don't know the truth and miss out
on details then publicize them as truth. I chose not to respond to
your emails because I have learned that you post them on your blog
which I don't read. I know I do have friends who read it and for the
most part they don't share with me becauseI have asked them not to. I
was told about my emails being posted and of certain things that
others know to be untrue.
You want to put an end to animosity then you should learn boundaries
and how to respect others privacy otherwise there will not be openness
from me to you. As I told you before I dont need to tell you anything.
Besides you have stated to me that whatever I say is a lie so why does
what I say or feel matter?
I have not gone out and said or proclaimed to the world all the ways
you hurt me and the children and I know you don't tell everyone the
whole truth. I don't speak ill of you or share my frustration with
the world. I do have and see a therapist and always talk to my church
leaders. They have known from the beginning. As for Fritter he too
always knew what was going on.
As my father has told you, and I have asked you too, stop speaking ill
of anyone even yourself. You will not feel true repentence till you
do. If you are truly repentant you would no longer use your "truth" to
hurt others. The Lord remembers our sins no more and so should we be
telling our frustrations and posting others weaknesses and sins to the
world? Take them to the Lord His grace is sufficient for all. There is
a talk by President Gordon B Hinkley - "Of You it is Required to
Forgive" it may help to explain what I am trying to say and to dispell
the idea that all I was doing was lying. You can find it on youtube or
the church website.
I know you have my old email it would be honorable of you to stop
sending mail to others, as it sets others up to think they are getting
mail from me. If someone is sending me mail then it is for me not you.
You don't need it. It's not good for you to have it or any of the old
mail. I must thank you for sending the letter Carolyn sent me to my
parents they LOVED it! They know without a shadow of a doubt that she
loves me more than anyone ever has and that it's a Godly love, an
Eternal love. That letter continues to bless the lives of all who read
it for that is the love we all search and pray to be worthy of.
I am sorry to hear that someone is trying to hurt you but its kind of
funny that you would be supprised by that, afterall you can't see how
you hurt others by what you say or write. As for you contacting my
Bishop and Bill coming to see him the sentiment of helping to show the
truth or perspective was not conveyed, all it has done is show that
you are vindictive and all Bill did was show his arrogance. Leave the
truthtelling to the Bishops. Please change your heart from hurt to
heal I do respect you as the mother to the children I hope you will be
able to someday respect me as the father of them in turn, it has yet
to be seen for years many years and I never went out to show all what
was going on. I never gave permission for you to do what you wanted
you just did what you wanted and I tried to endure. Well I couldn't
and my life and the kids lives will be BETTER for it.
May God Be With You In All Your Rightouse Desires,
Rick
Crazy Ranting from Rick
September 12 -
Email #1 1:37pm
No need for bishops or therapists. I talk to them and I'm fine and things will be fine. You have no way of knowing that you have changed or are different. You need to figure out your life and learn how to live within tour means and see how well you continue in your great change you have fooled professionals before and in the end they ask well Rick some go back one last time nothing is certain its a chance that only you have to decide to take or not. I choose not. I've been lied to many times before trusted many times before and fooled many times before. I never abused you. You say I have. I never lied I tried to love and it was never enough. So there it is. I went to Horton and Georgiana and both said the same bishops I've been to and all the ones minus yours and Fritter agree with them. All Fritter cares about is taking away my memberships by marking my records which is only done if that bishop wants the other person to be exed too bad his pride and friendship with green got in his way to feel and understand the spirit and mine and Carolyns bishop in Brea and Gary Lawrence and a few more in Utah along with general authorities. So nothing will change between us and we just need to be the best we can for the kids.
Email #2 3:19pm
When this divorce is final and Carolyn and I are married that is when our leaders will work with us. As for now we live as honorable as we can living under one roof. I can only imagine what you are thinking goes on here and for that I cant wait for.
The rest you may continue in with or as more lies. I can't hardly walk I can lay in bed for 1 1/2 hrs. But for the most part I am most comfortable sleeping in a recliner at most 3-4 hours I can't bend over to pull my pants up or lean down to flush the toilet. At times even wearing clothing that is tight on my body hurts. Most of the day I spend trying to be comfortable and am crying because I am in so much pain. It gets even worse when I have to see you and these messages. So as for a sexual relationship its not happening nor has it. We go to church and have been and they all can't wait for this to be over because they have never known any two people who love each other and their children more than us.
Yes no authority agrees with our arrangements but understand and can't wait and offer to marry us.
All you say is I'm a liar but people just can't believe how much they feel the spirit in our home. And that I've never had and now I'm grateful for it and never want it to go away. So beg for me to go to therapy with you and hope for my heart to turn to you but it won't happen. Carolyn and I were very close friends for years before our Vegas trip and again are very close and will be what we should have been all along. No mote abuse or lying cheating mistrust or therapy and finally a good and almost perfect relationship for the kids to see and be a part of.
You got to have what was Carolyn's for all these years and you destroied it. So now its our turn so please leave is alone.
Thank you in some weird twisted way for helping us making things the way they should have been years ago. Carolyn and I can have the life that the lord will bless throughout the eternities.
Email #3 4:19pm
Like I said its all lies to you what has been said to me was for me. I guess the scripture is true don't cast your pearls before swine. I never said I was worried about you. Although when have you had to take care of yourself on your own never I guess that is why you are filled with such venom and hate.
You use the kids as pawns expecually Parker and since I don't fall for it you're mad and angry ill have Parker and the rest of th kids when visitation allows.
I want doll custody of the kids cut I know that that fight is futile you would never switch the time share if the loss it move out here where you can afford to live so it could be at least 50/50 its affordable out here you can't complain that its too crowded or they don't have a yard. I wonder what next. What kind of tempettantrom will you throw next
September 14 1:37pm
I apologize for the miss comunication.
As for my life and where it is and where its is going and where it will
end up is for the most part my decisions. I will stand and answer for
my part. I rejoice for that opportunity. I do believe that you play a
role in the path I have chosen and am actually very happy with the
choices I have made. I am extreemly saddened by the separation between
my children and me. Also my choice to divorce and file for cutody you
here in Ca. Bottom line I would still be living with you working with
you to keep our family together but I could not be hurt like that
again. There is nothing I did or did not do in our marriage that
deserved your repeated extramarital affairs. And chris was the last
straw. I don't believe that we can stay married and you stay faithful
to me or your constant pointing out that I am inadiquate in trying to
work with you and my love not being enough. I don't blame you but know
that I would not be here where I am with who I am with if you were so
persistent in keeping your relationship with chris and your feeling of
not wanting to be married to me for a long time and then threatening to
call the police on me if I in any way made you feel uncomfortable. I am
thankful for what and where my life has become again unfortunate for
the children.
As for Parker I look forward to being able to have him finaly overnight
and with all the children during visits. Hopefully some day they will
all chose to live with me with me thru will and will never be a burden
or be pushed away. When they are with me we do everything together and
we are a real family a love that we never had I am glad I at least got
to play with them which you always missed out on.
Im sorry but I don't blame you for all the bad things in my life. You always were one for the dramatic. Who do I lie to and no manipulation to kids. They wonder why they can't do some things or watch some movies that they always useto watch. So im honest with them. You don't approve. So they see your double standard and will see through you I wont need to do or say anything to them you destroy your life that you are so actively engaged in.
I don't know why you always see communications as you ripping on me putting me down or "observing"my life we can communicate and coparent by being polite to one another. I have tried to let you in but I am calleda liar so it's. Just buisness to you. You have shown your true colors cares and concerns just one time I would like to send a simple message and not get a sermon or an epistle by the great philosopher Amber Yunker Thomson.
So for the next messages let's keep it clean and straight to the point. I have no intrest in observations or opinions. "For the sake of the kids."
Rick
Email #1 1:37pm
No need for bishops or therapists. I talk to them and I'm fine and things will be fine. You have no way of knowing that you have changed or are different. You need to figure out your life and learn how to live within tour means and see how well you continue in your great change you have fooled professionals before and in the end they ask well Rick some go back one last time nothing is certain its a chance that only you have to decide to take or not. I choose not. I've been lied to many times before trusted many times before and fooled many times before. I never abused you. You say I have. I never lied I tried to love and it was never enough. So there it is. I went to Horton and Georgiana and both said the same bishops I've been to and all the ones minus yours and Fritter agree with them. All Fritter cares about is taking away my memberships by marking my records which is only done if that bishop wants the other person to be exed too bad his pride and friendship with green got in his way to feel and understand the spirit and mine and Carolyns bishop in Brea and Gary Lawrence and a few more in Utah along with general authorities. So nothing will change between us and we just need to be the best we can for the kids.
Email #2 3:19pm
When this divorce is final and Carolyn and I are married that is when our leaders will work with us. As for now we live as honorable as we can living under one roof. I can only imagine what you are thinking goes on here and for that I cant wait for.
The rest you may continue in with or as more lies. I can't hardly walk I can lay in bed for 1 1/2 hrs. But for the most part I am most comfortable sleeping in a recliner at most 3-4 hours I can't bend over to pull my pants up or lean down to flush the toilet. At times even wearing clothing that is tight on my body hurts. Most of the day I spend trying to be comfortable and am crying because I am in so much pain. It gets even worse when I have to see you and these messages. So as for a sexual relationship its not happening nor has it. We go to church and have been and they all can't wait for this to be over because they have never known any two people who love each other and their children more than us.
Yes no authority agrees with our arrangements but understand and can't wait and offer to marry us.
All you say is I'm a liar but people just can't believe how much they feel the spirit in our home. And that I've never had and now I'm grateful for it and never want it to go away. So beg for me to go to therapy with you and hope for my heart to turn to you but it won't happen. Carolyn and I were very close friends for years before our Vegas trip and again are very close and will be what we should have been all along. No mote abuse or lying cheating mistrust or therapy and finally a good and almost perfect relationship for the kids to see and be a part of.
You got to have what was Carolyn's for all these years and you destroied it. So now its our turn so please leave is alone.
Thank you in some weird twisted way for helping us making things the way they should have been years ago. Carolyn and I can have the life that the lord will bless throughout the eternities.
Email #3 4:19pm
Like I said its all lies to you what has been said to me was for me. I guess the scripture is true don't cast your pearls before swine. I never said I was worried about you. Although when have you had to take care of yourself on your own never I guess that is why you are filled with such venom and hate.
You use the kids as pawns expecually Parker and since I don't fall for it you're mad and angry ill have Parker and the rest of th kids when visitation allows.
I want doll custody of the kids cut I know that that fight is futile you would never switch the time share if the loss it move out here where you can afford to live so it could be at least 50/50 its affordable out here you can't complain that its too crowded or they don't have a yard. I wonder what next. What kind of tempettantrom will you throw next
September 14 1:37pm
I apologize for the miss comunication.
As for my life and where it is and where its is going and where it will
end up is for the most part my decisions. I will stand and answer for
my part. I rejoice for that opportunity. I do believe that you play a
role in the path I have chosen and am actually very happy with the
choices I have made. I am extreemly saddened by the separation between
my children and me. Also my choice to divorce and file for cutody you
here in Ca. Bottom line I would still be living with you working with
you to keep our family together but I could not be hurt like that
again. There is nothing I did or did not do in our marriage that
deserved your repeated extramarital affairs. And chris was the last
straw. I don't believe that we can stay married and you stay faithful
to me or your constant pointing out that I am inadiquate in trying to
work with you and my love not being enough. I don't blame you but know
that I would not be here where I am with who I am with if you were so
persistent in keeping your relationship with chris and your feeling of
not wanting to be married to me for a long time and then threatening to
call the police on me if I in any way made you feel uncomfortable. I am
thankful for what and where my life has become again unfortunate for
the children.
As for Parker I look forward to being able to have him finaly overnight
and with all the children during visits. Hopefully some day they will
all chose to live with me with me thru will and will never be a burden
or be pushed away. When they are with me we do everything together and
we are a real family a love that we never had I am glad I at least got
to play with them which you always missed out on.
Im sorry but I don't blame you for all the bad things in my life. You always were one for the dramatic. Who do I lie to and no manipulation to kids. They wonder why they can't do some things or watch some movies that they always useto watch. So im honest with them. You don't approve. So they see your double standard and will see through you I wont need to do or say anything to them you destroy your life that you are so actively engaged in.
I don't know why you always see communications as you ripping on me putting me down or "observing"my life we can communicate and coparent by being polite to one another. I have tried to let you in but I am calleda liar so it's. Just buisness to you. You have shown your true colors cares and concerns just one time I would like to send a simple message and not get a sermon or an epistle by the great philosopher Amber Yunker Thomson.
So for the next messages let's keep it clean and straight to the point. I have no intrest in observations or opinions. "For the sake of the kids."
Rick
Weakness
I begin to make progress and then something happens. Not just a hurtful, untrue email from Rick, but a fight with Brian, and now my confidence is once again shaken; I doubt my worth, doubt my value, question the goodness in me.
Do I deserve to be loved when I am soooo mean? Do I deserve to be happy when I have caused so much pain? I am not sure the good I do and the positive I put into the world is enough to counter all of the hurt I create. I am just not sure.
It would be nice if I could figure out how to work through my own pain without lashing out. I think, for me, it is almost like self-mutilation - the ultimate goal is always to cause myself more hurt.
What a terrible day.
Do I deserve to be loved when I am soooo mean? Do I deserve to be happy when I have caused so much pain? I am not sure the good I do and the positive I put into the world is enough to counter all of the hurt I create. I am just not sure.
It would be nice if I could figure out how to work through my own pain without lashing out. I think, for me, it is almost like self-mutilation - the ultimate goal is always to cause myself more hurt.
What a terrible day.
Striving
My ex-husband knows exactly how to push my buttons, tear me down, exploit my insecurities and weaknesses. Although much less often, I still allow myself to be led there. It is a weakness. I hope to some day be stronger. Maybe when I have been able to put mire space between the present and my divorce. Emotional habits are created in a marriage, whether good or bad, positive or negative. Divorce can bring to the surface every negative emotional trigger that exists in a person.
When triggered, I still take some time to find my way back to reality, back to the Truth of the Spirit. It used to take weeks, then days. This time it took me hours to sort through my hurt and anger to find my heart again. Less and less time means progress. I would love if his words had no affect on me emotionally, but I am just not there yet. I'm getting there.
I am still attempting to forge ahead and create a loving relationship with my ex and his wife, for the sakes of our children. I haven't given up.
When triggered, I still take some time to find my way back to reality, back to the Truth of the Spirit. It used to take weeks, then days. This time it took me hours to sort through my hurt and anger to find my heart again. Less and less time means progress. I would love if his words had no affect on me emotionally, but I am just not there yet. I'm getting there.
I am still attempting to forge ahead and create a loving relationship with my ex and his wife, for the sakes of our children. I haven't given up.
Monday, January 30, 2012
11:45
I don't know if my heart will ever truly, completely recover from the feeling that I am replaceable.
I hate crying at night. It makes my eyes puffy in the morning.
I hate crying at night. It makes my eyes puffy in the morning.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
His Grace Is Sufficient
I met with my Bishop during church today. I have been feeling great, and today is no exception. My Bishop shared with me a "secret" - and an important one at that. Someone out there is now reading my blog who does not agree with my perspective. This morning, Bishop Green came to his office and found a large stack of printed copies of my blog entries. The entries had been carefully selected, highlighted, and a cover "letter" was included (although anonymous) explaining that the sender believed it to be important that the Bishop be aware of my behavior? attitude? actions? I'm not sure exactly the details, but the desired result was clear - I was doing something WRONG and should (probably?) be punished (admonished?)...
Let me be clear. The blog is once again public because I DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO HIDE. There are a few entries of which I am ashamed. Ashamed of my anger, my weakness, my hostility. However, they are real, they are true, they are my actual emotions on those particular days under those particular circumstances. I am not always proud of my feelings, but I have always accepted them. It has allowed me to heal to this level. I do not deny that I am imperfect in my progress, but I KNOW THAT I AM CONSTANTLY PROGRESSING! Ah, the power of His Grace!
My Bishop told me that he read through each page, and, as he read, he said to himself "Yes, I remember that." "I remember that." "I remember that." Maybe this person is trying to get me into some kind of trouble, but I have been completely open and honest with my Bishop about my feelings, my shortcomings, my rough patches, and my high points. He has been with me constantly through this experience. He has seen me strong and seen me weak. He told me, "Amber, I did not learn anything that I did not already know."
We all need validation at times. I am learning that I have always had a HIGH NEED for validation, but I'm also learning the reasons my insecurities existed. I DID NOT understand fully the power of my Savior's Atonement. I did not understand God's Plan for us. I did not have a true testimony of the temple, of temple covenants, of eternal families. I DO NOW. And I still appreciate validation. I still am so grateful that my Bishop knows me, knows my heart (good and bad) and knows how to offer truly inspired guidance. I could say the same for my Savior. He knows me, knows the good and bad of my heart, and He TRULY knows how to offer me guidance. My relationship with Christ has supported me and led me through this very difficult time of my life.
The Bishop gave me a copy of an article from BYU Magazine. It is entitled His Grace Is Sufficient, and I have included a link here. I hope you will all read it (even my anonymous "tattler") and learn something new about the Grace of our Lord and Savior. I read it and I cried. At many, many different points, I cried. I cried because of the truth of what I was reading. What I learned is that His Grace IS sufficient. Not just for me, but for Rick and Carolyn as well. Darn it. But I know it is true. And I will continue to love them and pray for their ability to take full advantage of the Atonement of Christ.
Let me be clear. The blog is once again public because I DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO HIDE. There are a few entries of which I am ashamed. Ashamed of my anger, my weakness, my hostility. However, they are real, they are true, they are my actual emotions on those particular days under those particular circumstances. I am not always proud of my feelings, but I have always accepted them. It has allowed me to heal to this level. I do not deny that I am imperfect in my progress, but I KNOW THAT I AM CONSTANTLY PROGRESSING! Ah, the power of His Grace!
My Bishop told me that he read through each page, and, as he read, he said to himself "Yes, I remember that." "I remember that." "I remember that." Maybe this person is trying to get me into some kind of trouble, but I have been completely open and honest with my Bishop about my feelings, my shortcomings, my rough patches, and my high points. He has been with me constantly through this experience. He has seen me strong and seen me weak. He told me, "Amber, I did not learn anything that I did not already know."
We all need validation at times. I am learning that I have always had a HIGH NEED for validation, but I'm also learning the reasons my insecurities existed. I DID NOT understand fully the power of my Savior's Atonement. I did not understand God's Plan for us. I did not have a true testimony of the temple, of temple covenants, of eternal families. I DO NOW. And I still appreciate validation. I still am so grateful that my Bishop knows me, knows my heart (good and bad) and knows how to offer truly inspired guidance. I could say the same for my Savior. He knows me, knows the good and bad of my heart, and He TRULY knows how to offer me guidance. My relationship with Christ has supported me and led me through this very difficult time of my life.
The Bishop gave me a copy of an article from BYU Magazine. It is entitled His Grace Is Sufficient, and I have included a link here. I hope you will all read it (even my anonymous "tattler") and learn something new about the Grace of our Lord and Savior. I read it and I cried. At many, many different points, I cried. I cried because of the truth of what I was reading. What I learned is that His Grace IS sufficient. Not just for me, but for Rick and Carolyn as well. Darn it. But I know it is true. And I will continue to love them and pray for their ability to take full advantage of the Atonement of Christ.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Choices
Ever since high school, I have loved the saying "Everyone has choices." I even put it in my Senior quotes in our yearbook (that and "skinny whiteboys forever!" hahaha) Our choices ultimately define who we are. They determine our character. They determine actions, reactions, consequences. And we are completely responsible for each and every choice we make. So, what motivates our choices?
My stepdad told me (a couple of times in the past couple of years) that when you feel as though you have no choice, that is not God you are hearing. When you are following the Spirit, God presents several options to you and lets you choose. When you feel backed into a corner, without hope, without control, without choice, it is not coming from Heavenly Father. What profound advice! How brilliantly the truth can be simplified!
Another piece of sage wisdom that I received from my Bishop recently, involves the focus of our choices. If we are primarily selfish in our motivation, our world will get continually smaller. As it revolves only around ourselves, we limit our lives to our immediate surroundings, limit our friendships to those who are willing to make all of the effort. When our focus is outside of ourselves, our worlds expand exponentially. As we devote ourselves to the service of others, we grow, and our world grows along with us. It is magnificent. It is God's Plan.
So, be mindful, young grasshoppers, where your focus lies each day. Are you primarily concerned with what you get, got, or have? Or are you bettering the lives of those around you? I submit that you will find peace, and love, and happiness only when you strive to create the latter.
Children are calling (screaming!)... time to go!
My stepdad told me (a couple of times in the past couple of years) that when you feel as though you have no choice, that is not God you are hearing. When you are following the Spirit, God presents several options to you and lets you choose. When you feel backed into a corner, without hope, without control, without choice, it is not coming from Heavenly Father. What profound advice! How brilliantly the truth can be simplified!
Another piece of sage wisdom that I received from my Bishop recently, involves the focus of our choices. If we are primarily selfish in our motivation, our world will get continually smaller. As it revolves only around ourselves, we limit our lives to our immediate surroundings, limit our friendships to those who are willing to make all of the effort. When our focus is outside of ourselves, our worlds expand exponentially. As we devote ourselves to the service of others, we grow, and our world grows along with us. It is magnificent. It is God's Plan.
So, be mindful, young grasshoppers, where your focus lies each day. Are you primarily concerned with what you get, got, or have? Or are you bettering the lives of those around you? I submit that you will find peace, and love, and happiness only when you strive to create the latter.
Children are calling (screaming!)... time to go!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Cell Phone
Researching the prospect of a new cell phone plan with a new cell phone carrier. I still have 2 lines right now. My main line, and our old house phone. Maybe I should see if there are any voicemails on there?? I'd like to keep the 2nd line for the kids, but as I think about it further, I believe that it would be more economical to just get a pre-pay line for Hattie to use.
Thinking about a prepay set me back - mentally, emotionally. It was one of the things I did to facilitate my "affair." The emails took a different turn mid-April of 2010, but on May 15, we both had prepay cell phones. Thinking back now, I am full of regret and sadness. It definitely brings back unpleasant feelings. And after I was wanting to "work it out" with Rick, he found the prepay I had been using to talk to Chris. It was the fatal blow. He couldn't take it any more. To me, him finding that phone didn't mean anything. It was evidence of an affair that I had confessed and agreed to stop. But to him, it was something else. Evidence of a level of deceit, I guess. I don't know.
So the thoughts about cell phones bring my heart to a sad, ugly place. I am so sad for the loss of my marriage. I am sad for the loss of who my husband was. I am sad for my children. Talking to a friend today, we were discussing how Rick is IRREPLACEABLE in the children's lives. I was telling her that I would probably still, even now, to this day, despite everything, be willing to give him a chance - willing to try to piece our family back together. I am shocked at the times and ways he accused me of selfish motives. How on earth could that willingness be about ME? It comes only from a loving Heavenly Father and a thorough understanding of His plan for us. So now, thoughts of Heavenly Father's Plan give me the comfort of His Spirit.
And things are good again.
Thinking about a prepay set me back - mentally, emotionally. It was one of the things I did to facilitate my "affair." The emails took a different turn mid-April of 2010, but on May 15, we both had prepay cell phones. Thinking back now, I am full of regret and sadness. It definitely brings back unpleasant feelings. And after I was wanting to "work it out" with Rick, he found the prepay I had been using to talk to Chris. It was the fatal blow. He couldn't take it any more. To me, him finding that phone didn't mean anything. It was evidence of an affair that I had confessed and agreed to stop. But to him, it was something else. Evidence of a level of deceit, I guess. I don't know.
So the thoughts about cell phones bring my heart to a sad, ugly place. I am so sad for the loss of my marriage. I am sad for the loss of who my husband was. I am sad for my children. Talking to a friend today, we were discussing how Rick is IRREPLACEABLE in the children's lives. I was telling her that I would probably still, even now, to this day, despite everything, be willing to give him a chance - willing to try to piece our family back together. I am shocked at the times and ways he accused me of selfish motives. How on earth could that willingness be about ME? It comes only from a loving Heavenly Father and a thorough understanding of His plan for us. So now, thoughts of Heavenly Father's Plan give me the comfort of His Spirit.
And things are good again.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
business as usual.
I had cut and pasted a bunch of email interaction from this weekend, but I realized it is pointless. Let's just say it culminated in this:
Not that you care about the realities that TRULY "contribute to where our lives have led," but here goes...
In February, when you stopped working, you TOLD me you were going to stop paying until further notice. That is when I went to the county for cash aid (and thank goodness I did!) Once I started getting cash aid, the county automatically opened up a case with DCSS. It was never my decision. You offered me a payment in May (not April) after 3 months of NOTHING, once the court told you that you were supposed to pay. I followed the directions I was given by the county to NOT accept any payments directly from you. You told me the money was sitting in its own account waiting.
I began asking you for support again in September. DCSS was held up by the filing of the order from April, because your attorney would not agree to the specifics from the hearing. I still asked you to help directly, and those payments would be credited once DCSS was able to begin enforcing. You refused. You told me the previously saved child support money went to pay school bills, medical bills, and car repairs. You offered to pay me less money than was actually owed in exchange for me "dropping" the case with DCSS. I said that wasn't fair to me or the kids, and that I did not trust you paying voluntarily. I have never even had the option of dropping the DCSS case. It was never my choice!
After that, you continued to refuse payment of any support. Several times you chose to mock me via email that I wasn't getting support from you.
Your CHOICE to avoid paying support cannot be blamed on DCSS or on me. The guy who "always does the right thing" just HASN'T. If you had any intention of "stepping up" to your responsibilities, you wouldn't let DCSS or anyone else stop you. You made six kids with me, then you took the first clear opportunity (me asking for a TEMPORARY separation) to leave & you ran directly to Carolyn.
You continually resisted my SINCERE attempts to apologize, to beg forgiveness, to try to save our eternal family, since you had already decided it would be easier to move forward and start over in a new relationship. You lied. Over and over, you outright lied to everyone about the CHOICES you were making. You voluntarily missed your son's birth AND the first 8 months of his life. You refused any form of counseling program, either with me OR individually. You repeatedly defied the guidance of all church leaders.
Now you are married, and you think, as we did after we married, that suddenly everything is all better. You are wrong. Nothing about your decision to remarry could be considered "right" or "good for our children" in any way. Any therapist on the planet would tell you it is completely emotionally unhealthy. Worst of all, it does not erase the unrighteous decisions you made getting to this point! The examples that have been set for our children cannot be undone through a(nother) quickie marriage.
I am over feeling anger towards you. I forgive you (daily, sometimes hourly.) I love you. I love our children. I even have love for Carolyn. I am grateful she treats the children kindly. I pray you find peace and truth in your journey. I pray you get therapeutic healing - I am certain it will take years - to overcome the pain of your childhood and the pain I caused you. I pray you start being honest with yourself and your wife. You "love" her now because your love for me became too painful to endure. I am sorry. My heart still aches for the hurt I caused you, but I know there is no turning back. You've chosen this path, and I still struggle, but I will respect your choice. Your current marriage is even less healthy than ours was. It is not real. It was created out of your hurt, your broken heart (that I caused, and that you never got over) and your fear. Again, I am sorry. I pray you get the help you need so that you CAN have a successful second marriage.
I told you at the end of 2010 that no matter what (divorce me, marry her) I will continue to hope for our eternal family. That hope and prayer is still very alive in me. I will do anything in my power to shield my children from the painful reality of divorce that I suffered as a child. I will raise them to be strong, confident, faithful, diligent, emotionally healthy adults - with or without your cooperation. I promise.
With love,
Amber
| From: | amberathomson |
| To: | Richard Thomson |
| Subject: | Truth |
| Date: | Sun, Jan 15, 2012 10:21 pm |
Not that you care about the realities that TRULY "contribute to where our lives have led," but here goes...
In February, when you stopped working, you TOLD me you were going to stop paying until further notice. That is when I went to the county for cash aid (and thank goodness I did!) Once I started getting cash aid, the county automatically opened up a case with DCSS. It was never my decision. You offered me a payment in May (not April) after 3 months of NOTHING, once the court told you that you were supposed to pay. I followed the directions I was given by the county to NOT accept any payments directly from you. You told me the money was sitting in its own account waiting.
I began asking you for support again in September. DCSS was held up by the filing of the order from April, because your attorney would not agree to the specifics from the hearing. I still asked you to help directly, and those payments would be credited once DCSS was able to begin enforcing. You refused. You told me the previously saved child support money went to pay school bills, medical bills, and car repairs. You offered to pay me less money than was actually owed in exchange for me "dropping" the case with DCSS. I said that wasn't fair to me or the kids, and that I did not trust you paying voluntarily. I have never even had the option of dropping the DCSS case. It was never my choice!
After that, you continued to refuse payment of any support. Several times you chose to mock me via email that I wasn't getting support from you.
Your CHOICE to avoid paying support cannot be blamed on DCSS or on me. The guy who "always does the right thing" just HASN'T. If you had any intention of "stepping up" to your responsibilities, you wouldn't let DCSS or anyone else stop you. You made six kids with me, then you took the first clear opportunity (me asking for a TEMPORARY separation) to leave & you ran directly to Carolyn.
You continually resisted my SINCERE attempts to apologize, to beg forgiveness, to try to save our eternal family, since you had already decided it would be easier to move forward and start over in a new relationship. You lied. Over and over, you outright lied to everyone about the CHOICES you were making. You voluntarily missed your son's birth AND the first 8 months of his life. You refused any form of counseling program, either with me OR individually. You repeatedly defied the guidance of all church leaders.
Now you are married, and you think, as we did after we married, that suddenly everything is all better. You are wrong. Nothing about your decision to remarry could be considered "right" or "good for our children" in any way. Any therapist on the planet would tell you it is completely emotionally unhealthy. Worst of all, it does not erase the unrighteous decisions you made getting to this point! The examples that have been set for our children cannot be undone through a(nother) quickie marriage.
I am over feeling anger towards you. I forgive you (daily, sometimes hourly.) I love you. I love our children. I even have love for Carolyn. I am grateful she treats the children kindly. I pray you find peace and truth in your journey. I pray you get therapeutic healing - I am certain it will take years - to overcome the pain of your childhood and the pain I caused you. I pray you start being honest with yourself and your wife. You "love" her now because your love for me became too painful to endure. I am sorry. My heart still aches for the hurt I caused you, but I know there is no turning back. You've chosen this path, and I still struggle, but I will respect your choice. Your current marriage is even less healthy than ours was. It is not real. It was created out of your hurt, your broken heart (that I caused, and that you never got over) and your fear. Again, I am sorry. I pray you get the help you need so that you CAN have a successful second marriage.
I told you at the end of 2010 that no matter what (divorce me, marry her) I will continue to hope for our eternal family. That hope and prayer is still very alive in me. I will do anything in my power to shield my children from the painful reality of divorce that I suffered as a child. I will raise them to be strong, confident, faithful, diligent, emotionally healthy adults - with or without your cooperation. I promise.
With love,
Amber
Friday, January 13, 2012
Boundaries
I honestly think... that if Rick had said to me "If you ever cheat on me, I will leave you" then I would not have cheated. Instead, he said "If you ever cheat on me, I will stay, and we will work it out."
I am not blaming him, but I have learned something very very important about my character. I work within the boundaries that are set. Yes, the rules within the church and the covenants and all that say that we are supposed to be faithful to our spouses. Duh. Of course I was wrong. However, I took at least six years pushing the edge of that envelope, testing my boundaries to see how far things could go, to see how far I would go. This is the definition of being subtly overcome by the spirit of the adversary. I believe, in A SENSE, that I was given that permission by my husband, and I felt compelled to test it. His words always told me that he loved me enough to overcome anything, even this. I always questioned that love. I did not trust it. I felt less than, undeserving, unloved, and I was constantly searching for validation (in all the wrong places!!) While I was married, I never REALLY found it.
With Chris, I thought that I had found exactly what I needed. He was also a guy who said what I wanted to hear. He bolstered me up with his loving words. I believe he knew me. At least, he knew me better than Rick ever did. But I honestly do not know if he truly loved me. I doubt it. Maybe he thought he did, but I'm sure what I felt for him was not love.
After my separation, my brother Andrew reminded me of an article I had cut out of the newspaper in my 20s. It had been laminated, highlighted, and doodled on with a bright red marker. The title of the article, presented in Dear Abby, was "Is it Love or Infatuation?" Drew told me that he was always so surprised by the path I had chosen knowing that this article sat on my wall for YEARS before I got married. I was very smart, but the romantic in me took over. I did it all wrong...
I just found a copy:
Is it love or Infatuation?
Infatuation is fleeting desire - one set of glands calling to another.
It is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager but not genuinely happy.
There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about the relationship that you would just as soon not examine too closely.
It might spoil the dream.
Love is friendship that has caught fire.
It takes root and grows, one day at a time. Love is quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection.
It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved.
You are warmed by his presence, even when he is away.
Miles do not separate you.
You have so many wonderful films in your head that you keep replaying.
But near or far, you know he is yours, and you can wait.
Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing him."
Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together, you hope it will end in intimacy.
Love is not based on sex. It is the maturation of friendship that makes sex so much sweeter.
You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence. When he is away, you wonder if he's being unfaithful. Sometimes, you check.
Love means trust. You are calm, secure, and unthreatened.
He feels your trust, and it makes him even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret, but love never steers you in the wrong direction.
Love is elevating. It lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you better than you were before.
- printed in Dear Abby
In my research, I also found this, from another Dear Abby article:
Now I've gone off on a tangent, but, I think, a good one. Next time, it will truly be love. Next time, I will do this right.
I am not blaming him, but I have learned something very very important about my character. I work within the boundaries that are set. Yes, the rules within the church and the covenants and all that say that we are supposed to be faithful to our spouses. Duh. Of course I was wrong. However, I took at least six years pushing the edge of that envelope, testing my boundaries to see how far things could go, to see how far I would go. This is the definition of being subtly overcome by the spirit of the adversary. I believe, in A SENSE, that I was given that permission by my husband, and I felt compelled to test it. His words always told me that he loved me enough to overcome anything, even this. I always questioned that love. I did not trust it. I felt less than, undeserving, unloved, and I was constantly searching for validation (in all the wrong places!!) While I was married, I never REALLY found it.
With Chris, I thought that I had found exactly what I needed. He was also a guy who said what I wanted to hear. He bolstered me up with his loving words. I believe he knew me. At least, he knew me better than Rick ever did. But I honestly do not know if he truly loved me. I doubt it. Maybe he thought he did, but I'm sure what I felt for him was not love.
After my separation, my brother Andrew reminded me of an article I had cut out of the newspaper in my 20s. It had been laminated, highlighted, and doodled on with a bright red marker. The title of the article, presented in Dear Abby, was "Is it Love or Infatuation?" Drew told me that he was always so surprised by the path I had chosen knowing that this article sat on my wall for YEARS before I got married. I was very smart, but the romantic in me took over. I did it all wrong...
I just found a copy:
Is it love or Infatuation?
Infatuation is fleeting desire - one set of glands calling to another.
It is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager but not genuinely happy.
There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about the relationship that you would just as soon not examine too closely.
It might spoil the dream.
Love is friendship that has caught fire.
It takes root and grows, one day at a time. Love is quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection.
It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved.
You are warmed by his presence, even when he is away.
Miles do not separate you.
You have so many wonderful films in your head that you keep replaying.
But near or far, you know he is yours, and you can wait.
Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing him."
Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together, you hope it will end in intimacy.
Love is not based on sex. It is the maturation of friendship that makes sex so much sweeter.
You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence. When he is away, you wonder if he's being unfaithful. Sometimes, you check.
Love means trust. You are calm, secure, and unthreatened.
He feels your trust, and it makes him even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret, but love never steers you in the wrong direction.
Love is elevating. It lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you better than you were before.
- printed in Dear Abby
In my research, I also found this, from another Dear Abby article:
IS IT LOVE OR ISN'T IT?
It takes a level head to control a foolish heart.
Can you love someone at first sight? This crazy mixed-up version is better known as infatuation at first sight. Infatuation can possibly be the first step toward love, but in itself, it is not love.
Love itself is built on inner realities. Through experience and a few more infatuations, one acquires a second and better sight. So mature love should be called "love at second sight."
Mature love means liking a person as well as loving. If the most important part of your relationship is physical (making out) and you don't seem to have much to talk about, face it, it's just a physical attraction, and you're really not a very good combination if you're thinking about a lifetime relationship.
How do you know if you're in love? To ask if it is love indicates doubt. Love is sure.
Don't confuse enduring and lasting love with puppy love. (That's the kind that usually gets you into an emotional doghouse.)
Love is giving, not taking. It wants the best for the one you love.
Love is on the go. It makes you want to charge out into the world and do as well as think big. It doesn't keep you inert, day-dreaming and cooped up with only one person.
Love wants to share. To the one you love, you give your thoughts and your dreams. A new happiness comes with sharing. Mature love is honest and open.
Love doesn't know what time it is. During your teens, you will have had a litter of puppy loves. But as time goes by, and you learn more about the object of your affections--and your love seems to grow not weaker but stronger--maybe the real moment has come.
Now I've gone off on a tangent, but, I think, a good one. Next time, it will truly be love. Next time, I will do this right.
Letting Go
If I can find peace, love, and forgiveness during this past week, then I can find it any time!
Mom went to Oregon for 9 days. I've been on my own all week. Kids came home Sunday night, and at 1am Hattie was puking at my door. That was day one. Hattie and Jason stayed home Monday, and I felt a little sick Monday night, but I thought we were in the clear. Nope. Tuesday - Jane. Wednesday - Parker. Thursday - Derek. Here it is Friday morning and I hope that the last two are actually spared! People have called me "high energy" but I'm not sure I actually believed them until recently. This life sure does take a lot of energy.
But... I'm HAPPY. Despite the petty baptism stuff, I am OVER IT. I am not concerned with Rick or Carolyn, what they do, or what they think. I wish we could move on and be friends, ACTUAL FRIENDS, for the sake of the children. I doubt it. But I honestly wish...
Despite an insane week of sick kids, lots of laundry (more than usual with all the germs everywhere!,) cleaning constantly, no Grandma to help, and very little sleep.... I do not feel angry. I feel (literally) love and forgiveness toward Rick. I look forward to moving forward.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Worthy
“God the Father is merciful and has infinite love for you despite your faults. Only the voice of Satan will cause you to feel of no value.”
Anthony D. Perkins, Liahona, Nov 2006, 76–78
This morning I went back and looked at the few brief email interactions with Eric that I kept in my records. I am feeling confident and positive, so I felt strong enough to look at it all with new eyes. The most important thing I can share here is that the messages he sent me were filled with lies. Blatant lies. When a person is making assessments about another person based on lies, it only follows that the resulting accusations will also be false and misguided. Frustrating, but what a relief. Very little of what he said about me, my marriage, the breakup of my marriage, was true. And, therefore, the attacks to my character are completely untrue. As I said, what a relief. Comforting to be strengthened by the truth once again.
Eric proclaimed to love me as a father. He suggested that his attacks were things I needed to understand "for my own good." How presumptuous. I know better. He considers himself my father only to feed his own delusion of grandeur and ego. He will never be a father to me, much less a loving father. Yuck. The thought makes me sick. He actually said that "as I am" I will never make it to the celestial kingdom. Ha ha. How would he even know, and I know better! I know that I am enough, striving every day with sincere intent. Success toward exaltation is not a tally of perfect actions. Our success is in our hearts, in our goals, in our willingness to accept our faults and take responsibility for our mistakes. In our willingness to do the RIGHT THING, despite it's difficulty, and despite temptation from the adversary to stray.
Studying, pondering, staying in the truth is *truly* empowering! <3
Anthony D. Perkins, Liahona, Nov 2006, 76–78
This morning I went back and looked at the few brief email interactions with Eric that I kept in my records. I am feeling confident and positive, so I felt strong enough to look at it all with new eyes. The most important thing I can share here is that the messages he sent me were filled with lies. Blatant lies. When a person is making assessments about another person based on lies, it only follows that the resulting accusations will also be false and misguided. Frustrating, but what a relief. Very little of what he said about me, my marriage, the breakup of my marriage, was true. And, therefore, the attacks to my character are completely untrue. As I said, what a relief. Comforting to be strengthened by the truth once again.
Eric proclaimed to love me as a father. He suggested that his attacks were things I needed to understand "for my own good." How presumptuous. I know better. He considers himself my father only to feed his own delusion of grandeur and ego. He will never be a father to me, much less a loving father. Yuck. The thought makes me sick. He actually said that "as I am" I will never make it to the celestial kingdom. Ha ha. How would he even know, and I know better! I know that I am enough, striving every day with sincere intent. Success toward exaltation is not a tally of perfect actions. Our success is in our hearts, in our goals, in our willingness to accept our faults and take responsibility for our mistakes. In our willingness to do the RIGHT THING, despite it's difficulty, and despite temptation from the adversary to stray.
Studying, pondering, staying in the truth is *truly* empowering! <3
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Baptism
What a wonderful baptismal preparation program the Stake put on this evening. It was very informative for the kids, and it was a great time for me to bond a little with Jason. Grateful to Brian for babysitting. My mom is out of town all week.
Also grateful that Rick did not make a big deal about the baptism. Jason is happy to have Jason do it, since Rick admitted to his son that he will "most likely" not be able to do it. What a relief.
Saw a couple (and their children) at the program tonight who used to be friends through Rick and are still Rick's friends. Awkward. Especially since it is one of the two couples who were reportedly at their wedding. Ick.
I read scriptures with Hattie tonight. I have decided that I am going to at least read with the big kids as much as possible. I've let it go because it has become such a hassle and a zoo, but I know I need to get back into the habit. I want the kids to be more confident in their spiritual strength. I want them to know and feel my testimony. I want them to have the Spirit as their constant companion. I can help them achieve those things!
Also grateful that Rick did not make a big deal about the baptism. Jason is happy to have Jason do it, since Rick admitted to his son that he will "most likely" not be able to do it. What a relief.
Saw a couple (and their children) at the program tonight who used to be friends through Rick and are still Rick's friends. Awkward. Especially since it is one of the two couples who were reportedly at their wedding. Ick.
I read scriptures with Hattie tonight. I have decided that I am going to at least read with the big kids as much as possible. I've let it go because it has become such a hassle and a zoo, but I know I need to get back into the habit. I want the kids to be more confident in their spiritual strength. I want them to know and feel my testimony. I want them to have the Spirit as their constant companion. I can help them achieve those things!
Love
I've decided it will be much more healthy for me to sign all of my emails to Rick with "Love," instead of "Thank you,"
What do you think?
I've already noticed it feels better. Like I've actually been putting more love into them. Well, it's a start, at least.
What do you think?
I've already noticed it feels better. Like I've actually been putting more love into them. Well, it's a start, at least.
Patriarch
After a series of frustrating and disturbing emails back and forth to Rick, I had let anger get the better of me. I prefer posting the entire course of email interaction, so that you all can directly read each of our words and get a better understanding of how the communication progressed, but I am not sure it is ideal. Maybe some of my "devoted" readers can let me know if you prefer to have the actual black and white to read for yourself, or if you are satisfied with my summaries of the "fights." Today I will do my best to summarize (which, of course, includes my editorial...)
Thursday evening I sent an email to Rick in preparation for the weekend. There is a meeting tonight for all Baptisms in the Stake for 2012, and Jason will turn 8 at the end of March. I wanted to notify him about the meeting and introduce the subject of "the baptism" for discussion. I have thought, pondered and prayed on this subject for at least a year now. Given Rick's course of action in this time, my assumption has been that he would not be able to perform the ordinance. A man must have and be worthy of the priesthood in order to participate in such things. It is why he was unable to do Parker's Blessing as well. In all of my thoughts, I had settled on a personal desire to have the baptism done by the missionary who baptized me. His name is Jason Sterzer (yes, my Jason is his namesake!) and we have remained friends since my introduction to the church. He attended Hattie's baby blessing (where he proposed to his now wife at the beach while he was here!), we attended his temple sealing (driving to Utah in the dead of Winter with a 4 month old baby!), and we have tried hard to maintain close contact since his mission. It makes sense to me. I have always been aware, however, that Rick would probably want his biological father, Eric, to do it. I am uncomfortable with that option. I reached out to his father on several occasions over the course of the past year and a half. The last time was in May of last year, and I was received with such hateful attacks that I spent days crying over the hurt I felt. Examples of the types of things he told me were that Rick had received revelation regarding his relationship with Carolyn, he supported and trusted his son, I had proven myself to be unworthy and unrighteous, etc. Mind you, these are all my words, not direct quotes from him. I do not allow myself to re-read even the one copy of an email I still have because the negative spirit brings me to a very dark, dismal place. I give only the gist of the feelings I got from the pages and pages of drivel I received from him. No, there is no way I will allow Eric Madsen (or any of his children) to perform the baptism on Jason. I have no faith in the power of his priesthood or trust in his authority. He has burned that bridge.
Of course, Rick responded to my email (which only mentioned the prospect of Sterzer possibly doing it) with all sorts of craziness. He said not to "count me out" to baptize his son. And then suggestion (as expected) Eric or one of his sons. I responded with a resounding NO WAY. He then laid into me about my prejudice, pride, and hate which hurts others (even my children.) He closed his letter with the statement :
Yes, I have a serious problem with your father, Eric. My problem is based on the way I have been treated by him and the things (lies and attacks) he has said to me. You were not ever directly involved, and therefore, have NO understanding of why or where I base my decisions. I absolutely do not consider him the patriarch of our family. Also, your ability to manipulate the church leaders who do not know the truth does not say anything about your true worthiness. Only God can judge, and we will see who is left standing in the end. I am not concerned about my exaltation.
Your self-righteous attitude is sad and disgusting, as I am well aware that you are the one suffering with pride, ego, etc. If you had been willing to soften your heart, our family would not have been destroyed.
You could very easily have maintained worthiness to perform the ordinances in our family, but you made other (prideful, SELFISH) choices, and therefore, we are all suffering. Your decision to dishonor your priesthood had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. It was not my choice, or my fault. Get over yourself.
The children's records are with me, I will make the final decision. DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT MAKING RIGHT CHOICES IN THE RIGHT WAY!!!!! You couldn't be any more hypocritical. Are you really planning to NOT allow your son to be baptized? I offered you the courtesy of having input on who performs it, but I will not allow it to be a Madsen. I have made myself clear.
I have reviewed texts and emails between us and I am astounded by all of the lies you told me (and I BELIEVED!!) over and over. My gut knew better then, but my love for you blinded my ability to see you for who you are. I thought you were a man who loved his family, did the right thing, honored the priesthood. I was horribly, terribly wrong. Thank you for finally showing your true character for all to see.
My feelings are based on facts and experiences. I admit to my anger toward you, Eric, Carolyn, etc... I am not a liar. I tried to lie to you, my husband, and I couldn't do it for more than 2 months. You carried on an affair for over a year and LIED LIED LIED TO EVERYONE. It still hurts me. I admit it.
I don't care about your prayers for me. I am sad for you in your delusional state. My prayer for you is the same as it has always been, that you one day see the truth.
Amber
But church today really provided me with peace. And I came home and decided to look further into the subjects we had discussed in our emails. Finally, today, I sent him the following email. I welcome input from the peanut gallery:
I am sorry for once again allowing myself to be hurt and upset by our interactions. I let my anger get the better of me, and I am still continuing to learn to have faith in the truth in the face of lies and deceit. I hope you had a pleasant, enjoyable weekend with the children.
I am looking forward to the Baptism meeting with Jason this evening. I am still open to discussion and agreement about who performs Jason's baptism. If there were any possible way for you to do it, I would welcome it. However, I am doubtful of that possibility (regardless of what you might have me believe), and I have already let you know who my "Top 3" alternate choices would be. I think it is wonderful that Jason Sterzer is willing to make the trip out here to baptize his namesake. Let me know if you can think of another who may be more appropriately suited to participate (barring the obvious, previously discussed...)
I was doing some research on priesthood and patriarchal responsibility and I found this article (among many others) that helped clarify my knowledge and understanding about the subject. It also speaks to my experience with Eric, and my unwillingness to budge on that subject. The term patriarch, in the context of the church, is directly related to a man's priesthood authority and whether or not he is using it righteously. Simply being a male person who is the supposed "head" of household does not provide a man with spiritual superiority or the authority that is implied through using the term "patriarch." When a man chooses to give up his priesthood right and power in pursuit of his own personal desires, his authority as "patriarch" no longer holds. Recovering that authority takes time, humility, and sincere repentance.
http://lds.org/ensign/1989/07/unrighteous-dominion?lang=eng
With all my love,
Amber
Thursday evening I sent an email to Rick in preparation for the weekend. There is a meeting tonight for all Baptisms in the Stake for 2012, and Jason will turn 8 at the end of March. I wanted to notify him about the meeting and introduce the subject of "the baptism" for discussion. I have thought, pondered and prayed on this subject for at least a year now. Given Rick's course of action in this time, my assumption has been that he would not be able to perform the ordinance. A man must have and be worthy of the priesthood in order to participate in such things. It is why he was unable to do Parker's Blessing as well. In all of my thoughts, I had settled on a personal desire to have the baptism done by the missionary who baptized me. His name is Jason Sterzer (yes, my Jason is his namesake!) and we have remained friends since my introduction to the church. He attended Hattie's baby blessing (where he proposed to his now wife at the beach while he was here!), we attended his temple sealing (driving to Utah in the dead of Winter with a 4 month old baby!), and we have tried hard to maintain close contact since his mission. It makes sense to me. I have always been aware, however, that Rick would probably want his biological father, Eric, to do it. I am uncomfortable with that option. I reached out to his father on several occasions over the course of the past year and a half. The last time was in May of last year, and I was received with such hateful attacks that I spent days crying over the hurt I felt. Examples of the types of things he told me were that Rick had received revelation regarding his relationship with Carolyn, he supported and trusted his son, I had proven myself to be unworthy and unrighteous, etc. Mind you, these are all my words, not direct quotes from him. I do not allow myself to re-read even the one copy of an email I still have because the negative spirit brings me to a very dark, dismal place. I give only the gist of the feelings I got from the pages and pages of drivel I received from him. No, there is no way I will allow Eric Madsen (or any of his children) to perform the baptism on Jason. I have no faith in the power of his priesthood or trust in his authority. He has burned that bridge.
Of course, Rick responded to my email (which only mentioned the prospect of Sterzer possibly doing it) with all sorts of craziness. He said not to "count me out" to baptize his son. And then suggestion (as expected) Eric or one of his sons. I responded with a resounding NO WAY. He then laid into me about my prejudice, pride, and hate which hurts others (even my children.) He closed his letter with the statement :
You must be careful that this decision be made in the right order the right way.His words had their desired affect. I was livid in my anger. Who does he think he is, preaching to me about decisions being made in the right order?? In the right way??? Oh my goodness! I wrote the following to him:
Yes, I have a serious problem with your father, Eric. My problem is based on the way I have been treated by him and the things (lies and attacks) he has said to me. You were not ever directly involved, and therefore, have NO understanding of why or where I base my decisions. I absolutely do not consider him the patriarch of our family. Also, your ability to manipulate the church leaders who do not know the truth does not say anything about your true worthiness. Only God can judge, and we will see who is left standing in the end. I am not concerned about my exaltation.
Your self-righteous attitude is sad and disgusting, as I am well aware that you are the one suffering with pride, ego, etc. If you had been willing to soften your heart, our family would not have been destroyed.
You could very easily have maintained worthiness to perform the ordinances in our family, but you made other (prideful, SELFISH) choices, and therefore, we are all suffering. Your decision to dishonor your priesthood had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. It was not my choice, or my fault. Get over yourself.
The children's records are with me, I will make the final decision. DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT MAKING RIGHT CHOICES IN THE RIGHT WAY!!!!! You couldn't be any more hypocritical. Are you really planning to NOT allow your son to be baptized? I offered you the courtesy of having input on who performs it, but I will not allow it to be a Madsen. I have made myself clear.
I have reviewed texts and emails between us and I am astounded by all of the lies you told me (and I BELIEVED!!) over and over. My gut knew better then, but my love for you blinded my ability to see you for who you are. I thought you were a man who loved his family, did the right thing, honored the priesthood. I was horribly, terribly wrong. Thank you for finally showing your true character for all to see.
My feelings are based on facts and experiences. I admit to my anger toward you, Eric, Carolyn, etc... I am not a liar. I tried to lie to you, my husband, and I couldn't do it for more than 2 months. You carried on an affair for over a year and LIED LIED LIED TO EVERYONE. It still hurts me. I admit it.
I don't care about your prayers for me. I am sad for you in your delusional state. My prayer for you is the same as it has always been, that you one day see the truth.
Amber
But church today really provided me with peace. And I came home and decided to look further into the subjects we had discussed in our emails. Finally, today, I sent him the following email. I welcome input from the peanut gallery:
I am sorry for once again allowing myself to be hurt and upset by our interactions. I let my anger get the better of me, and I am still continuing to learn to have faith in the truth in the face of lies and deceit. I hope you had a pleasant, enjoyable weekend with the children.
I am looking forward to the Baptism meeting with Jason this evening. I am still open to discussion and agreement about who performs Jason's baptism. If there were any possible way for you to do it, I would welcome it. However, I am doubtful of that possibility (regardless of what you might have me believe), and I have already let you know who my "Top 3" alternate choices would be. I think it is wonderful that Jason Sterzer is willing to make the trip out here to baptize his namesake. Let me know if you can think of another who may be more appropriately suited to participate (barring the obvious, previously discussed...)
I was doing some research on priesthood and patriarchal responsibility and I found this article (among many others) that helped clarify my knowledge and understanding about the subject. It also speaks to my experience with Eric, and my unwillingness to budge on that subject. The term patriarch, in the context of the church, is directly related to a man's priesthood authority and whether or not he is using it righteously. Simply being a male person who is the supposed "head" of household does not provide a man with spiritual superiority or the authority that is implied through using the term "patriarch." When a man chooses to give up his priesthood right and power in pursuit of his own personal desires, his authority as "patriarch" no longer holds. Recovering that authority takes time, humility, and sincere repentance.
http://lds.org/ensign/1989/07/unrighteous-dominion?lang=eng
With all my love,
Amber
Forgiving The Pharisees
Another amazing day of testimonies. Received peace and revelation during sacrament regarding what my Heavenly Father expects of me. Back to finding forgiveness. I am so angry at Rick because I let myself get sucked into his lies and his "holier than thou" attitude, but I need more confidence that I KNOW THE TRUTH. The pharisees preached and judged, but they were misguided; They were wrong. Just because Rick says something, doesn't make it true.
My job now is to learn how to forgive in the face of blatant deceit, negativity, hurt, and judgement.
The Lord does not bless unrighteous dominion.
I have been doing research on the subject and have once again found peace in truth. I need to trust my own ability to understand gospel principles. I need to trust my own knowledge of truth and righteousness.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to grow and learn in my faith.
My job now is to learn how to forgive in the face of blatant deceit, negativity, hurt, and judgement.
The Lord does not bless unrighteous dominion.
I have been doing research on the subject and have once again found peace in truth. I need to trust my own ability to understand gospel principles. I need to trust my own knowledge of truth and righteousness.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to grow and learn in my faith.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
I am a GREAT friend!
Because...
I call.
I care.
I listen (sometimes better than others!)
I tell the truth (even when it hurts.)
I keep my word.
I apologize for my mistakes.
I stick it out, and I talk it out.
I give the benefit of the doubt, and I encourage others to do the same (unless it's about Rick.)
I hold hands, dry tears, give hugs, tell jokes, and take abuse when necessary.
I make people laugh.
I am likable (once you get to know me, promise!)
I call.
I care.
I listen (sometimes better than others!)
I tell the truth (even when it hurts.)
I keep my word.
I apologize for my mistakes.
I stick it out, and I talk it out.
I give the benefit of the doubt, and I encourage others to do the same (unless it's about Rick.)
I hold hands, dry tears, give hugs, tell jokes, and take abuse when necessary.
I make people laugh.
I am likable (once you get to know me, promise!)
I am a GREAT mom!
Because...
I am not perfect. I admit my mistakes, and I correct them. I start and end each day on my knees.
I collect Boxtops for my children's schools.
I take my kids to school every day, on time. Namely, I wake them all up, make sure they get dressed, clean their rooms and make their beds. All seven of us are in the car, dressed, with shoes/socks no later than 7:50 (usually around 7:40) every single morning. 4 kids on time to 3 schools.
I constantly change diapers for two babies, preventing (and clearing up) diaper rash. I have been changing diapers non-stop for over ten years now. Most of those years I was changing two children at once.
I feed them, cuddle them, coddle them, as needed.
I put them to bed at a reasonable hour.
I grocery shop most days and clean the house every day. Redundant work, but worth every minute.
I set and keep all doctor, dentist and miscellaneous appointments for my children.
I drop off and pick up 6 times every school day.
I wash, dry, fold, and manage laundry for 6 children and myself. Also sorting socks.
I take a shower every day. I also give them all baths every night. (We may skip once a week.)
I go to therapy. I take my children to therapy.
I listen to their concerns, hold them when they cry, celebrate them when they succeed.
I attend every (public) performance, every assembly, every conference.
I bring them to church, and do my best to be an example to them.
I am, in all ways, and at all times, their MOTHER. There is nothing higher on my priority list.
I am not perfect. I admit my mistakes, and I correct them. I start and end each day on my knees.
I collect Boxtops for my children's schools.
I take my kids to school every day, on time. Namely, I wake them all up, make sure they get dressed, clean their rooms and make their beds. All seven of us are in the car, dressed, with shoes/socks no later than 7:50 (usually around 7:40) every single morning. 4 kids on time to 3 schools.
I constantly change diapers for two babies, preventing (and clearing up) diaper rash. I have been changing diapers non-stop for over ten years now. Most of those years I was changing two children at once.
I feed them, cuddle them, coddle them, as needed.
I put them to bed at a reasonable hour.
I grocery shop most days and clean the house every day. Redundant work, but worth every minute.
I set and keep all doctor, dentist and miscellaneous appointments for my children.
I drop off and pick up 6 times every school day.
I wash, dry, fold, and manage laundry for 6 children and myself. Also sorting socks.
I take a shower every day. I also give them all baths every night. (We may skip once a week.)
I go to therapy. I take my children to therapy.
I listen to their concerns, hold them when they cry, celebrate them when they succeed.
I attend every (public) performance, every assembly, every conference.
I bring them to church, and do my best to be an example to them.
I am, in all ways, and at all times, their MOTHER. There is nothing higher on my priority list.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
2012
Wish I knew the right thing to do and say every day. Gets frustrating having to figure this stuff out.
On another note. My kids are an adorable handful of delight (and spunk!) Exhausting, but worth every single minute!
<3
On another note. My kids are an adorable handful of delight (and spunk!) Exhausting, but worth every single minute!
<3
Monday, January 2, 2012
more
--- On Wed, 5/18/11, Carolyn Taylor <carolyn> wrote:
From: Carolyn Taylor
Subject: Me
To: "Rick J Thomson"
Date: Wednesday, May 18, 2011, 4:09 PM
I know that I have a tendency to hang on to things or to not be able to get over things as fast as you do and for that I apologize. I just have to say a few things, most of which you have heard before, but I think it will help the situation. I first have to say that I am truly sorry for my reaction to your messages. You are a grown man who is fully capable of writing a message without if being proofed by me. I trust your judgement and abilities in every way but for whatever reason when it comes to her I just feel like she weaves such a trap and I freak out if I think you wrote something that her messed up mind can twist or manipulate. I am sorry for letting these things get to me over and over. I do not doubt your love for me or our commitment to each other I just have always had a problem with her constantly trying to get you back or change your mind. I have had to put up with it since I got here. The emails, the texts, messages she has the children deliver, the lunchbox, the ring etc. All these things even though you have ignored and repeatedly shut her down it still bothers me that she thinks she can do it. I also struggle with the whole "I am still your wife" comments and all of her other bs. I try so hard to not let it in but it hurts me and then out of my hurt I hurt you and us. I know 100% that after this is all done I will not allow these things to hurt me the way they do now. I know we will still have to deal with her but our situation and my "place" will be different. I never question my commitment to you or to the life we are trying to build and if I make you feel that way I am sorry.
From: Carolyn Taylor
Subject: Me
To: "Rick J Thomson"
Date: Wednesday, May 18, 2011, 4:09 PM
I know that I have a tendency to hang on to things or to not be able to get over things as fast as you do and for that I apologize. I just have to say a few things, most of which you have heard before, but I think it will help the situation. I first have to say that I am truly sorry for my reaction to your messages. You are a grown man who is fully capable of writing a message without if being proofed by me. I trust your judgement and abilities in every way but for whatever reason when it comes to her I just feel like she weaves such a trap and I freak out if I think you wrote something that her messed up mind can twist or manipulate. I am sorry for letting these things get to me over and over. I do not doubt your love for me or our commitment to each other I just have always had a problem with her constantly trying to get you back or change your mind. I have had to put up with it since I got here. The emails, the texts, messages she has the children deliver, the lunchbox, the ring etc. All these things even though you have ignored and repeatedly shut her down it still bothers me that she thinks she can do it. I also struggle with the whole "I am still your wife" comments and all of her other bs. I try so hard to not let it in but it hurts me and then out of my hurt I hurt you and us. I know 100% that after this is all done I will not allow these things to hurt me the way they do now. I know we will still have to deal with her but our situation and my "place" will be different. I never question my commitment to you or to the life we are trying to build and if I make you feel that way I am sorry.
I am grateful for all your hard work and sacrifices that you make for me and for all of us. I love the determination and the drive you have when it comes to proargin-9 and the desire to build a successful company so we can all be together. I love that your mind is constantly trying to find ways to better our lives and our situation and that you do always, even when I don't recognize it, think of me. I love you with all my heart. I can't wait for the next chapter to start and I can't believe how close it is. I promise I will work to fix the problems I have and the problems I create for us. I love you and I thank you for your patience, understanding and ability to tolerate my b.s.
having a rough day
From Carolyn. Dated August 17, 2010
-----Original Message-----
From:
To: rickjthomson
Sent: Tue, Aug 17, 2010 9:28 am
Subject: You
From:
To: rickjthomson
Sent: Tue, Aug 17, 2010 9:28 am
Subject: You
My Dearest Rick
I know it has been a whole 20 minutes since we talked but I just had some things that I wanted to say and I can't overload your phone with texts all day while you are trying to work. Anyway I just wanted to say how truly grateful I am for you and for all you do. I feel so overwhelmed right now with love and this overwhelming desire to just be where you are forever. It is like there was a part of me missing and you are it. I feel like there isn't anything I can't do because you love me and believe in me. You are such an amazing man and I am so grateful to have you back in my life. I know I tell you I love you a lot but I have to make up for all the years that I loved you in silence and didn't even talk to you. I missed you so much. I cannot express how happy it makes me to hear your voice again and to hear your laugh. I love your laugh. I love everything about you. I am so crazy about you and want to spend every moment of my day talking to you or being with you. I never knew that I could love someone so much. You are the greatest part of my day, all day, everyday. My favorite times of the day are the drive to work, lunch, the drive home and our last phone call of the night. I feel so happy when I hear my phone ring and I know it is you or when you send me a text. I miss you like crazy during the times we cannot talk. I adore you and everything about you.
I admire you so much and I am in awe of what an amazing person you are and all the things you have overcome. You are such a strong and determined person and it makes you incredibly sexy. I cannot explain how much I am attracted to all the wonderful things that make you who you are. You have such a strong testimony and you honor the Priesthood and strive to be the best that you can be and I admire that in you. I know that I will never have to worry about the welfare of our family because you will always strive to be the best husband and father you can be and that together we can make it back to where we belong. It is funny but there are a lot of times when I talk to you and we talk about progressing and getting stuck etc. and I always envision this image of Lehi's dream, especially after we read the scriptures together. I see us on the path trying to reach the tree and at different times you are ahead of me and sometimes I am ahead of you but we always go back and get the other person. I know that sounds weird but I feel like it represents the issues we have with ourselves because of our life experiences and rather than giving up on each other we always go back and help one another. Thank you for that. You help me overcome so many things and help me see myself in a better light than I ever have. I believe and have hope in things that I gave up on long ago. You taught me that I am lovable and that someone could really care about me. You are such a blessing to me and I cannot wait to kiss you.
I will love you ALL my life and always be there for you and believe in you. You are my prince charming and I will strive to always be worthy of you and your love.
Love Always
Carolyn
I know it has been a whole 20 minutes since we talked but I just had some things that I wanted to say and I can't overload your phone with texts all day while you are trying to work. Anyway I just wanted to say how truly grateful I am for you and for all you do. I feel so overwhelmed right now with love and this overwhelming desire to just be where you are forever. It is like there was a part of me missing and you are it. I feel like there isn't anything I can't do because you love me and believe in me. You are such an amazing man and I am so grateful to have you back in my life. I know I tell you I love you a lot but I have to make up for all the years that I loved you in silence and didn't even talk to you. I missed you so much. I cannot express how happy it makes me to hear your voice again and to hear your laugh. I love your laugh. I love everything about you. I am so crazy about you and want to spend every moment of my day talking to you or being with you. I never knew that I could love someone so much. You are the greatest part of my day, all day, everyday. My favorite times of the day are the drive to work, lunch, the drive home and our last phone call of the night. I feel so happy when I hear my phone ring and I know it is you or when you send me a text. I miss you like crazy during the times we cannot talk. I adore you and everything about you.
I admire you so much and I am in awe of what an amazing person you are and all the things you have overcome. You are such a strong and determined person and it makes you incredibly sexy. I cannot explain how much I am attracted to all the wonderful things that make you who you are. You have such a strong testimony and you honor the Priesthood and strive to be the best that you can be and I admire that in you. I know that I will never have to worry about the welfare of our family because you will always strive to be the best husband and father you can be and that together we can make it back to where we belong. It is funny but there are a lot of times when I talk to you and we talk about progressing and getting stuck etc. and I always envision this image of Lehi's dream, especially after we read the scriptures together. I see us on the path trying to reach the tree and at different times you are ahead of me and sometimes I am ahead of you but we always go back and get the other person. I know that sounds weird but I feel like it represents the issues we have with ourselves because of our life experiences and rather than giving up on each other we always go back and help one another. Thank you for that. You help me overcome so many things and help me see myself in a better light than I ever have. I believe and have hope in things that I gave up on long ago. You taught me that I am lovable and that someone could really care about me. You are such a blessing to me and I cannot wait to kiss you.
I will love you ALL my life and always be there for you and believe in you. You are my prince charming and I will strive to always be worthy of you and your love.
Love Always
Carolyn
So fun.
"Why can't Daddy have more time?"
Daddy doesn't ask for more time. Daddy moved to Hemet. Daddy chose to divorce me so that he could marry Carolyn. Oh my gosh. Really? Why do they always feel sorry for Daddy?
It is difficult to have these conversations without getting I always encourage them to be happy, have fun, be good with Daddy and Carolyn. I never say anything mean or biting (or TRUE) about how I feel about his choice, about that relationship, to the children. I sent copies of the kids report cards to him, even though he didn't ask and didn't bother to contact the teachers for information. I even bought the children presents to give their Dad and his new family for Christmas.
Yet... I am the bad guy. I am the selfish one.
What an Asshole.
Daddy doesn't ask for more time. Daddy moved to Hemet. Daddy chose to divorce me so that he could marry Carolyn. Oh my gosh. Really? Why do they always feel sorry for Daddy?
It is difficult to have these conversations without getting I always encourage them to be happy, have fun, be good with Daddy and Carolyn. I never say anything mean or biting (or TRUE) about how I feel about his choice, about that relationship, to the children. I sent copies of the kids report cards to him, even though he didn't ask and didn't bother to contact the teachers for information. I even bought the children presents to give their Dad and his new family for Christmas.
Yet... I am the bad guy. I am the selfish one.
What an Asshole.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Not Perfection
This wonderful, relaxing, productive week has given me such a great opportunity to reflect and revitalize. I feel such peace about the divorce and about letting Rick go. I honestly don't feel like I am missing much since I have such a complete understanding of how less-than-perfect (or happy) our relationship/marriage was. I also have learned so much about the many, many, many things I did wrong making such a rash and sudden decision to marry a man I did not know. It was/is a romantic concept, and I can completely empathize with my young (23yo) self at the time, but life is much different through 35yo eyes. Plus I have SIX amazing children to consider in any decision for my future. Would Brian make a great stepfather? Of course. He is an amazing man who loves me and my children. Is it the right time for me to make that decision? HECK NO! There is so much more to consider, and so much more to accomplish before jumping ahead to that point. And least of all, it would be totally financially irresponsible of me.
However, I am happy. Happy with Brian, not because of him. I love my children, love myself, love my future.
Drew's here! Time to go to Costco!
However, I am happy. Happy with Brian, not because of him. I love my children, love myself, love my future.
Drew's here! Time to go to Costco!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Christmas
We had another great Christmas where my awesome kids got completely spoiled. The church facilitated a great deal of presents for us, which "Santa" wrapped and brought over (via my sister-in-law, Trina!!) So, so, so grateful for the help I received in providing this Christmas for my children this year. I would have never been about to pull it off (much less afford it!) without the contributions of so many others!
After Christmas with the babies (at 10:30am) I packed them up, drove over to pick up Brian and Ramon, and then headed out to Hemet. I had to drop the children off at Rick's at noon, and I was super proud to pull into their driveway before 12:10. I offered to give him the rest of the breastmilk I had collected so that he could feed it to Parker, but he refused. I was actually feeling fine about everything until that moment. It took me a bit to get over the anger and resentment about that decision. Eventually I was fine.
After Hemet, we headed to Moreno Valley and visited with our friend David and his mom. We spent the rest of the day there. I was acting like a complete lunatic since the kids had woken me up at 4:30am and then I was giddy from dropping them off with their Dad for a week. I think it came across as a weird combination of obnoxious and abusive, but luckily I took a quick nap during the movie (Sherlock Holmes! Very Good!) Then we stopped by a store to get fixings for dinner (Thanks for cooking, Ramon!) and headed back to David's for more socializing. Brian's brother, Adam, and sister-in-law Cherish showed up just in time for dinner - with the most delicious brussel sprouts you've ever seen - and we all ate and talked and played games until late. I felt like an adult. It was so nice!
Lazy day Monday followed by Spa Day on Tuesday with the sisters-in-law. Glen Ivy Facials, hitting the jacuzzi, and eating at Island's made for such a great relaxing day. Not to mention all of the "girl talk." Thankful they are still willing to listen to my ranting. At least the conversation was split evenly between how great Brian is and what an idiot Rick is. Very satisfying, overall.
Wednesday, Brian and I got some chores done and then spent about five hours at Knott's Berry Farm. It was great! We got to ride the big rides and watch "Gift of the Magi" together. Afterwards we headed back here, and while I was folding clothes in front of the TV, Brian chose to use that two hours making a serious dent on the the clutter in my bedroom. The mess is noticeably contained!
Today, I met a friend for lunch. When I got home, I spent the rest of the evening taking down the fake tree (this process cannot be understood or fully appreciated unless you have seen the tree apart) with my mom. And blogging, finally, probably enough to last another week.
Tomorrow, I have to finish my chores (cleaning the room!) and go see my therapist. Hoping I get to meet Sarah for lunch again. It's been a good week.
After Christmas with the babies (at 10:30am) I packed them up, drove over to pick up Brian and Ramon, and then headed out to Hemet. I had to drop the children off at Rick's at noon, and I was super proud to pull into their driveway before 12:10. I offered to give him the rest of the breastmilk I had collected so that he could feed it to Parker, but he refused. I was actually feeling fine about everything until that moment. It took me a bit to get over the anger and resentment about that decision. Eventually I was fine.
After Hemet, we headed to Moreno Valley and visited with our friend David and his mom. We spent the rest of the day there. I was acting like a complete lunatic since the kids had woken me up at 4:30am and then I was giddy from dropping them off with their Dad for a week. I think it came across as a weird combination of obnoxious and abusive, but luckily I took a quick nap during the movie (Sherlock Holmes! Very Good!) Then we stopped by a store to get fixings for dinner (Thanks for cooking, Ramon!) and headed back to David's for more socializing. Brian's brother, Adam, and sister-in-law Cherish showed up just in time for dinner - with the most delicious brussel sprouts you've ever seen - and we all ate and talked and played games until late. I felt like an adult. It was so nice!
Lazy day Monday followed by Spa Day on Tuesday with the sisters-in-law. Glen Ivy Facials, hitting the jacuzzi, and eating at Island's made for such a great relaxing day. Not to mention all of the "girl talk." Thankful they are still willing to listen to my ranting. At least the conversation was split evenly between how great Brian is and what an idiot Rick is. Very satisfying, overall.
Wednesday, Brian and I got some chores done and then spent about five hours at Knott's Berry Farm. It was great! We got to ride the big rides and watch "Gift of the Magi" together. Afterwards we headed back here, and while I was folding clothes in front of the TV, Brian chose to use that two hours making a serious dent on the the clutter in my bedroom. The mess is noticeably contained!
Today, I met a friend for lunch. When I got home, I spent the rest of the evening taking down the fake tree (this process cannot be understood or fully appreciated unless you have seen the tree apart) with my mom. And blogging, finally, probably enough to last another week.
Tomorrow, I have to finish my chores (cleaning the room!) and go see my therapist. Hoping I get to meet Sarah for lunch again. It's been a good week.
Progress
Ah, to learn is to grow. I continue to learn more and more about my marriage, my life, myself, and I continue to grow into the person I was meant to be. Boy did I make a lot of mistakes, but I am so glad I have the chance to learn from them and correct them and become better for them.
God is so good.
God is so good.
Catching up.
It has been so long. Sorry everyone, I can hardly believe it's been almost two weeks already without any updates. They've been a LONG two weeks. I had the kids the last three weekends before Christmas, and that final week they were all out of school. It's been even more of a chaotic zoo than normal. Of course, now, they are off with their Dad and his new wife and step-daughter (haha) until New Years Day. I get to sleep (and breathe) and catch up around here.
December 18, 2011
On Sunday December 18, I was already starting to show signs of wear. The kids and I had mostly gotten sick with terrible colds, and the non-stop six-kid-apalooza was getting increasingly overwhelming. No, I am not complaining, just explaining. We went to church (Brian and his boys even went with us, which was nice) and came home. After we ate, I made a point to make sure the TV was not turned on, and the children began to play. It took me about an hour to get Parker down for his nap, but the kids had started a very complex "Sleepover/Chuck E. Cheese" game which eventually made it's way from the downstairs to their rooms upstairs. All five of the children played and played together for THREE HOURS straight with almost no fighting. The brief shrieks I heard quickly dissipated. I was as proud as a mother could be. I even tried letting them all "sleep-over" in one room, but then loud cries and physical violence between siblings ended the massive love-fest. We can't win them all. I hate trying to write about it after the fact, but I wanted to share such a wonderful and profound memory. It filled my heart. <3
December 18, 2011
On Sunday December 18, I was already starting to show signs of wear. The kids and I had mostly gotten sick with terrible colds, and the non-stop six-kid-apalooza was getting increasingly overwhelming. No, I am not complaining, just explaining. We went to church (Brian and his boys even went with us, which was nice) and came home. After we ate, I made a point to make sure the TV was not turned on, and the children began to play. It took me about an hour to get Parker down for his nap, but the kids had started a very complex "Sleepover/Chuck E. Cheese" game which eventually made it's way from the downstairs to their rooms upstairs. All five of the children played and played together for THREE HOURS straight with almost no fighting. The brief shrieks I heard quickly dissipated. I was as proud as a mother could be. I even tried letting them all "sleep-over" in one room, but then loud cries and physical violence between siblings ended the massive love-fest. We can't win them all. I hate trying to write about it after the fact, but I wanted to share such a wonderful and profound memory. It filled my heart. <3
Friday, December 16, 2011
Ahole update
I notified Rick two weeks ago that conferences were this week. I told him that my conferences were on Thursday (yesterday) and that he is welcome to set up his own conferences with each of their teachers directly. No response. And no contact to the schools.
#winner
#winner
Parent Teacher Conferences
Oh my goodness. My kids are BRILLIANT. I am so proud of them. It is wonderful to meet with their teachers and have all of their positive attributes being reiterated to you! I am such a proud proud mommy right now.
Hattie is in 5th grade. Her teacher, Mrs. Young, is amazing. Sometimes well-experienced teachers are burnt out, but this woman is full of teaching. She is constantly teaching the kids something valuable and useful. Hattie is always telling me "Mrs. Young says...." with some amazing tidbit that will help her in her life. I LOVE it. In class, Hattie is helpful and kind, even though she still talks to her neighbors a little too much. She loves to read (her Accelerated Reader goal has been quadrupled at this point) and her writing is improving dramatically (homeschooling third grade did not help her writing skills progress much!) She needs to work on math facts (a little time-consuming for her) and proofreading her writing. Yay!
Jason is my 7 year old third grader. If you haven't already heard (I only say it every OTHER day) he skipped first grade. Ms. Parker didn't even know he was the youngest kid in her class! He got Student of the Month in November, and she said he was an "EASY PICK." Not only is he one of the smartest kids in class (he loves learning, loves a challenge) he is also respected by his peers. He was voted Classroom Rep for the Student Council and does a great job of attending the meetings and reporting the happenings to the entire class. She said he is a "leader."
Derek is only in Kindergarten, but we can already tell he has a quick mind. He is excited to learn to read (he's getting those sight words memorized!) and is very popular among the kids. He is one who will never have trouble making friends. Her notes on his report card actually said he is a "wonderful little boy." How can you resist that sweet face, even if he is oblivious at times? We need to be reading more and Mom needs to be more diligent about making sure his homework gets done each week. Grateful for teachers who are patient with ME.
All of their teachers got our Christmas Card this year, and everyone made comments about our adorable family. How cute we are! I didn't know you had so many kids! I hadn't realized you are a single mom! It was a great opportunity to let them in on some of the REALITY the kids are facing here at home. Sometimes it helps for the teachers to know that life is hard. Nice part is they wouldn't have guessed. We are doing our job!
Days like yesterday are what this life is all about. I love my life, love my job, LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids. Grateful for the family and friends who fill me with love and support so that I can get through each day. So very grateful. :-)
Hattie is in 5th grade. Her teacher, Mrs. Young, is amazing. Sometimes well-experienced teachers are burnt out, but this woman is full of teaching. She is constantly teaching the kids something valuable and useful. Hattie is always telling me "Mrs. Young says...." with some amazing tidbit that will help her in her life. I LOVE it. In class, Hattie is helpful and kind, even though she still talks to her neighbors a little too much. She loves to read (her Accelerated Reader goal has been quadrupled at this point) and her writing is improving dramatically (homeschooling third grade did not help her writing skills progress much!) She needs to work on math facts (a little time-consuming for her) and proofreading her writing. Yay!
Jason is my 7 year old third grader. If you haven't already heard (I only say it every OTHER day) he skipped first grade. Ms. Parker didn't even know he was the youngest kid in her class! He got Student of the Month in November, and she said he was an "EASY PICK." Not only is he one of the smartest kids in class (he loves learning, loves a challenge) he is also respected by his peers. He was voted Classroom Rep for the Student Council and does a great job of attending the meetings and reporting the happenings to the entire class. She said he is a "leader."
Derek is only in Kindergarten, but we can already tell he has a quick mind. He is excited to learn to read (he's getting those sight words memorized!) and is very popular among the kids. He is one who will never have trouble making friends. Her notes on his report card actually said he is a "wonderful little boy." How can you resist that sweet face, even if he is oblivious at times? We need to be reading more and Mom needs to be more diligent about making sure his homework gets done each week. Grateful for teachers who are patient with ME.
All of their teachers got our Christmas Card this year, and everyone made comments about our adorable family. How cute we are! I didn't know you had so many kids! I hadn't realized you are a single mom! It was a great opportunity to let them in on some of the REALITY the kids are facing here at home. Sometimes it helps for the teachers to know that life is hard. Nice part is they wouldn't have guessed. We are doing our job!
Days like yesterday are what this life is all about. I love my life, love my job, LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids. Grateful for the family and friends who fill me with love and support so that I can get through each day. So very grateful. :-)
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Full Night's Sleep
Better today. Not so weepy. Parent teacher conferences later. Yahoooo!
It still hurts. It is going to hurt. That has to be okay too.
It still hurts. It is going to hurt. That has to be okay too.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Waves
The emotion hits me in waves. I am so angry. So so very angry. Today has been a rough day, and I burst into tears the minute that the kids left with their Dad. I wonder how I can even feel anything any more. How can this still hurt me?? How does he feel NOTHING at the loss of our family?? I am finding myself to be repeatedly destroyed by the feelings.
I hate his self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude. Heavenly Father BROKE ME DOWN. Talk about a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Oh my goodness. And I have pretty much poured all that suffering into this blog. Repentance brings a very special kind of truth and understanding. I seriously had never experienced it before.
So, it makes me angry that he refuses to accept responsibility for his own actions. Angers me more that he has justified all of his actions, rationalized all of his behavior - INCLUDING refusing to pay child support until the Dept of Child Support Services starts taking the money out of his check. His arrears are well up over $18,000 now. Yes, I think people should know. Know exactly who this guy is. What a "great" father he is.
My problem is accepting that he will NEVER recognize what he has done. I am willing to take all the blame. I just don't know how to believe he will NEVER see the truth. I believed in him. He has proven himself to be someone else entirely, but that is literally a break in sanity. How do I give up on the idea that he might actually one day realize how crazy this all is??
So, so very angry.
I hate his self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude. Heavenly Father BROKE ME DOWN. Talk about a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Oh my goodness. And I have pretty much poured all that suffering into this blog. Repentance brings a very special kind of truth and understanding. I seriously had never experienced it before.
So, it makes me angry that he refuses to accept responsibility for his own actions. Angers me more that he has justified all of his actions, rationalized all of his behavior - INCLUDING refusing to pay child support until the Dept of Child Support Services starts taking the money out of his check. His arrears are well up over $18,000 now. Yes, I think people should know. Know exactly who this guy is. What a "great" father he is.
My problem is accepting that he will NEVER recognize what he has done. I am willing to take all the blame. I just don't know how to believe he will NEVER see the truth. I believed in him. He has proven himself to be someone else entirely, but that is literally a break in sanity. How do I give up on the idea that he might actually one day realize how crazy this all is??
So, so very angry.
Surges of Anger
I am not finished being angry. I wish I was. I wish I could put all of these FEELINGS behind me and move on. I'm just not there yet. I don't like feelings. It's what makes me such a great alcoholic. I will use all sorts of things to distract me from feeling things. Namely, attention from men. But I digress into the problem with my marriage again.
I am angry. His actions continue to affect me through the children. Eternal consequences are but slight solace right now.
I am angry. His actions continue to affect me through the children. Eternal consequences are but slight solace right now.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Get over it.
These may be the three most annoying words you could ever say to a divorced (or divorcing) person. That and "let it go." Seriously, people, we were married for 12 years! We have 6 children. Yes, he is an ass. Yes, he is an idiot. Yes, he has proven to me beyond any shadow of any doubt that I do not want to be married to this person, but GEEEEEZ, give me a break!
I cannot imagine getting married and not having my children present. I cannot imagine it. Who does that?? I cannot imagine marrying a man who would even CONSIDER excluding his own children. What the heck. I may be lacking in sanity, but I will NEVER understand that kind of crazy.
I'm worried about my children.
Powerless. Acceptance. Ugh.
I cannot imagine getting married and not having my children present. I cannot imagine it. Who does that?? I cannot imagine marrying a man who would even CONSIDER excluding his own children. What the heck. I may be lacking in sanity, but I will NEVER understand that kind of crazy.
I'm worried about my children.
Powerless. Acceptance. Ugh.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
D R A M A
When Rick asked me to take the kids all week, I told him I didn't think that it was reasonable for him to have them that long, but that he could take them overnight on Wednesday since there was already a "dinner" visit planned. When he dropped them off Sunday, I asked if he was planning to pick them up from school Wednesday and he said "Sure."
This morning I texted Rick three times.
First, at about 7:30 letting him know that I was keeping Hattie home sick, Paco and Jane are also sick, and I was going to try to get the three of them into the doctor.
A short time after that, I let him know that Jason and Breanna both have cold sores. I also let him know their schedule - pickups today - D and B @ noon, then the babies and Hattie from the house, then Jason @1:40. Drop offs tomorrow - J (&H) @ 7:40, D @ 7:55, B @ 8:30. Let me know when you plan to drop off the babies.
After we visited the Dr office, I let him know that Hattie is on prednisone for the next 5 days, Paco has an ear infection and needs to take amoxicillan for the next 10 days and Janey has a cold. I asked "See you at 12:20?"
I went to the pharmacy to pick up the prescriptions, when I returned to the car (and my phone) I got a phone message saying that he wasn't picking them up from school and that he wrote an email. I checked my email. This is what I received...
I called him back to clarify that he was not planning on taking any of the kids for any period of time, because three of them are sick. The conversation was difficult to say the least. He finally said - "I'll get them at 5!" Here is my "follow-up" email.
To reiterate and respond to our phone conversation...
I believe I made it clear in my messages that I was still comfortable with you taking all six of them. They have colds. Hattie's made her asthma act up; Parker's gave him an ear infection. If you need to make alternate arrangements, that is the information you should communicate to me. Your problems are not my problems. If you would like to have the extra time, it is your job to modify the arrangement we've made. If you want them only 5 to 8, tell me you're taking them 5 to 8. If you only want the well kids, tell me you're taking the well kids. It is YOUR CHOICE. I let you know the situation, you are the one changing the plan - the reasons DO NOT MATTER to me.
The kids were expecting you to pick up. They were very disappointed.
Thanks,
Amber
Nothing is ever simple. Nothing is ever easy. Everything is my fault. Seriously, who ARE you??
This morning I texted Rick three times.
First, at about 7:30 letting him know that I was keeping Hattie home sick, Paco and Jane are also sick, and I was going to try to get the three of them into the doctor.
A short time after that, I let him know that Jason and Breanna both have cold sores. I also let him know their schedule - pickups today - D and B @ noon, then the babies and Hattie from the house, then Jason @1:40. Drop offs tomorrow - J (&H) @ 7:40, D @ 7:55, B @ 8:30. Let me know when you plan to drop off the babies.
After we visited the Dr office, I let him know that Hattie is on prednisone for the next 5 days, Paco has an ear infection and needs to take amoxicillan for the next 10 days and Janey has a cold. I asked "See you at 12:20?"
I went to the pharmacy to pick up the prescriptions, when I returned to the car (and my phone) I got a phone message saying that he wasn't picking them up from school and that he wrote an email. I checked my email. This is what I received...
| Date: | Wed, Dec 7, 2011 10:51 am |
Thank you for letting me k.ow how the kids are doing. Unfortunately because I am staying at Julies and they come home tomorrow I cannot take them there will not be enough time to disinfect the house and both julie and even more Carl have very low immune systems. I don't want to run the risk of them getting sick too. if I could drop off dinner from the chicken pie shop. as I have said before I do not read texts on my phone so please call or email. I have been reading the ones you send but it ends up going over the limit. thank you Rick
I called him back to clarify that he was not planning on taking any of the kids for any period of time, because three of them are sick. The conversation was difficult to say the least. He finally said - "I'll get them at 5!" Here is my "follow-up" email.
| Date: | Wed, Dec 7, 2011 12:12 pm |
To reiterate and respond to our phone conversation...
I believe I made it clear in my messages that I was still comfortable with you taking all six of them. They have colds. Hattie's made her asthma act up; Parker's gave him an ear infection. If you need to make alternate arrangements, that is the information you should communicate to me. Your problems are not my problems. If you would like to have the extra time, it is your job to modify the arrangement we've made. If you want them only 5 to 8, tell me you're taking them 5 to 8. If you only want the well kids, tell me you're taking the well kids. It is YOUR CHOICE. I let you know the situation, you are the one changing the plan - the reasons DO NOT MATTER to me.
The kids were expecting you to pick up. They were very disappointed.
Thanks,
Amber
Nothing is ever simple. Nothing is ever easy. Everything is my fault. Seriously, who ARE you??
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Breakdown
I don't know how to hold it together today. I am suddenly empty. I am devastated by everything. Please pray for me. Seeing her taking his name. They are married. I didn't realize my heart was capable of breaking this badly. And he is so mean. So so mean to me.
I want to throw up. I want to cry. I want to scream. I don't want to do this anymore.
I have removed anyone with any connection to Rick from my blog and from my Facebook. I hope it means things will be more peaceful. I hope it will bring me peace.
I want to throw up. I want to cry. I want to scream. I don't want to do this anymore.
I have removed anyone with any connection to Rick from my blog and from my Facebook. I hope it means things will be more peaceful. I hope it will bring me peace.
Marriage
I had originally thought, when I heard of Rick's wedding, that they had gone to the County and done it quickly and under the radar. This certainly would have explained their decision to exclude the children from the ceremony. Last night, I learned differently.
The wedding took place at the home of Carolyn's Aunt. It is the home where my children have slept many many nights. The Aunt was NOT at home, and the kids have not seen her in months. She was out of town. They were just using her house. They invited the missionaries, and two friends with their families. They did not even offer the chance of attending to my children.
The wedding was on Thursday. Rick had the kids with him on Wednesday and on Friday. He purposefully and specifically excluded the children from attending the wedding ceremony with Carolyn.
Then, they didn't even tell the kids when they arrived on Friday. They found out via Norah, in the car, whispering "Mommy and Daddy got married on the day before today!"
My daughter is so hurt. She can't even talk to him about how she feels. I am livid.
The wedding took place at the home of Carolyn's Aunt. It is the home where my children have slept many many nights. The Aunt was NOT at home, and the kids have not seen her in months. She was out of town. They were just using her house. They invited the missionaries, and two friends with their families. They did not even offer the chance of attending to my children.
The wedding was on Thursday. Rick had the kids with him on Wednesday and on Friday. He purposefully and specifically excluded the children from attending the wedding ceremony with Carolyn.
Then, they didn't even tell the kids when they arrived on Friday. They found out via Norah, in the car, whispering "Mommy and Daddy got married on the day before today!"
My daughter is so hurt. She can't even talk to him about how she feels. I am livid.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Interesting.
Someone went back and read an old blog post of mine from Dec. 31, 2009. It inspired me to go read it too.
http://amberandthekids.blogspot.com/2009/12/new-year.html?zx=fbff4bbf8a862976
This was before my indiscretions happened. Before the "Relationship" started. This is where my marriage, my family was. Sure does put things into perspective.
:-(
http://amberandthekids.blogspot.com/2009/12/new-year.html?zx=fbff4bbf8a862976
This was before my indiscretions happened. Before the "Relationship" started. This is where my marriage, my family was. Sure does put things into perspective.
:-(
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Sunday Evening
Kids should be home in ten minutes and I have so much to say.
First of all, Rick and Carolyn got married on Thursday night. How nice for them. It was two weeks after our divorce was final. Sounds very familiar since Rick and I were married two weeks after we started dating. Whatever. As my brother says - "at least now they are allowed to f..." Sorry for the crudity, any sensitive Mormons out there... It is what it is.
My recent posts have shown the interaction I have had with an idiot recently. Speaks for itself, I think.
Great day at church today. Strong spirit, strong testimonies, lots of crying (from me.) Long day, great day. I am barely holding it together, but I am holding it together.
Finally, if you scroll down to Rick's email to me, you will notice a weird reference to my "subscribers" making threats to Carolyn. I must admit that I am strangely curious who out there has taken it upon themselves to make threats upon my ex-husband's new wife. Are you willing to reveal yourself? There is honestly no one on my list who I could actually see brandishing that sword, but I would certainly love to know!! And thank you, for the gesture, but really, it is unnecessary. I am a big girl; I put on my big girl pants this morning; I will be okay.
Now that that is taken care of. I am down to 3 minutes and counting before I see my adorable and amazing babies. Time to get ready for the storm! :-)
First of all, Rick and Carolyn got married on Thursday night. How nice for them. It was two weeks after our divorce was final. Sounds very familiar since Rick and I were married two weeks after we started dating. Whatever. As my brother says - "at least now they are allowed to f..." Sorry for the crudity, any sensitive Mormons out there... It is what it is.
My recent posts have shown the interaction I have had with an idiot recently. Speaks for itself, I think.
Great day at church today. Strong spirit, strong testimonies, lots of crying (from me.) Long day, great day. I am barely holding it together, but I am holding it together.
Finally, if you scroll down to Rick's email to me, you will notice a weird reference to my "subscribers" making threats to Carolyn. I must admit that I am strangely curious who out there has taken it upon themselves to make threats upon my ex-husband's new wife. Are you willing to reveal yourself? There is honestly no one on my list who I could actually see brandishing that sword, but I would certainly love to know!! And thank you, for the gesture, but really, it is unnecessary. I am a big girl; I put on my big girl pants this morning; I will be okay.
Now that that is taken care of. I am down to 3 minutes and counting before I see my adorable and amazing babies. Time to get ready for the storm! :-)
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