Ah, my friend. I have a very hard time letting things go. Okay, maybe letting go of "control"... except it isn't really letting go when I DON'T HAVE CONTROL IN THE FIRST PLACE, is it? So, letting go of TRYING to have control... Am I getting closer to the truth yet?
I have a very good therapist. Except he HAS started poking at the raw spots, making me "uncomfortable" to get past my weaknesses (emotional blocks?). Frustrating! Rick and I had been to many different therapists and never have I made the progress I am making now. I don't know if I should credit my counselor or myself. It could be that I am finally in a place where I can start to get through this stuff. Maybe being "with" Rick, I just wanted to continue to keep up appearances, and now I am actually free to make changes. And we all know change is scary. Boy, is change scary. Although I have to credit my guy at least a little bit. He sure knows how to keep me in line...
I don't know how to give up, on my marriage and my family and I don't know how NOT TO give up. Sometimes I am angry at Heavenly Father for leading me down this path, showing me the "right way" and insisting that I take it. And because I know that is what I MUST do, I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I have to actively work at it, constantly. When I really just need to let it go. Stop trying to force it. Hardest thing in the world to do. But then, what if I put it in a different way... Maybe all I need to do is... Have faith? Trust God? HE has made known unto me what HE forsees. He has given me this vision, this testimony of my eternal family. Is my faith insufficient? I hope not.
Patience has never been my strong suit. I do much better with some sort of distraction. But "distractions" are never a good idea with me. Sigh.
Most of the time, I honestly wish I didn't love my husband. Wish I didn't have hope or desire for our family. Wish I could be in that selfish and ignorant bliss where I spent so much time. That would be easier. Being selfish always feels easier, happier, but doing the right thing feels better. In the long run. And righteous living is the means to true love and happiness like no other. Righteous living. I'm sorry it took me so long to find this place. I wish we had found it together.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Finishing Proverbs
LOVE THIS!
Proverbs 31:30-31
"Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates."
Proverbs 31:30-31
"Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates."
Monday, March 7, 2011
Dancing with the Pig
My mom is constantly telling me to "Stop dancing with the pig... It just pisses the pig off and makes you look stupid!" Why do I keep trying to dance with the pig? I cannot make the pig dance!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
From my journal. 10/02/2010
8:41am Just before the Saturday Morning Session of General Conference.
"So many distinct impressions as I prepare for Conference. I can't wait until it starts. I've never been so excited. :-)
I've realized that God knows what this family needs. If he doesn't allow Rick to return to us it is because HE (Rick) doesn't deserve US. HE isn't worthy of this eternal family. God will allow him to return when he has properly humbled himself, repented, recognized the hurt HE has now caused. If he does not come back, it is because God is protecting US from HIM. And God has another path prepared for us."
This was back in October. I could never have forseen what was coming, and yet, here we are. Trust your inspired impressions, thoughts, etc. people! God is sooo GOOD. He loves us. He wants us to be strong, be happy, be whole. He gave me the answers early, but I kept going back. I kept trying, kept allowing myself to get sucked in. But this day, one week after my heart had changed, I KNEW the truth. I knew.
"So many distinct impressions as I prepare for Conference. I can't wait until it starts. I've never been so excited. :-)
I've realized that God knows what this family needs. If he doesn't allow Rick to return to us it is because HE (Rick) doesn't deserve US. HE isn't worthy of this eternal family. God will allow him to return when he has properly humbled himself, repented, recognized the hurt HE has now caused. If he does not come back, it is because God is protecting US from HIM. And God has another path prepared for us."
This was back in October. I could never have forseen what was coming, and yet, here we are. Trust your inspired impressions, thoughts, etc. people! God is sooo GOOD. He loves us. He wants us to be strong, be happy, be whole. He gave me the answers early, but I kept going back. I kept trying, kept allowing myself to get sucked in. But this day, one week after my heart had changed, I KNEW the truth. I knew.
Right and Wrong
I have wasted a lot of time, texts, and energy trying to show (convince?) Rick of the right and the wrong in this situation. Over and over telling him I understand how he's feeling, I forgive him, begging for forgiveness myself. I am sorry for my actions, but his actions are destroying our family now. Why can't I accept that he just doesn't care. He doesn't care about me. He doesn't care about right and wrong. Funny part is that I can totally accept that he doesn't care about me. I do not know how to accept that he doesn't care about what is right or wrong in this situation.
My husband, as long as I have known him, was the guy who always, ALWAYS did the "right thing" - or at least completely UNDERSTOOD the right thing to do in any given situation. He honored Priesthood, his AND other people's. He BELIEVED in the doctrine of the church. I am incapable of wrapping my mind around the concept that this is the same guy I married. Obviously he isn't. But still... I married the guy who did the right thing! And now... he has a girlfriend while he's still married to me. He has completely involved her in my children's lives, to the extent that she is sleeping over there each night with the kids now. Really? Did he forget we are Mormon?
I would NEVER have imagined being in this position. I always thought, ALWAYS BELIEVED that my husband was LITERALLY a better person than me. I thought he was stronger spiritually. I thought he was nicer. I thought he was GOOD, down to the core. It is devastating to realize how completely wrong I was. I am the one who is supposed to be living with some other guy before we are divorced. He is the one who is supposed to be fighting for his family, clinging to eternity. I am not sure how to even comprehend the role reversal here. Really.
Turns out, I am the strong one. Who knew? Oh wait, strong in general? I think that part I knew. But spiritually, I had forsaken the church years ago. And as recent as a week before my change of heart I was telling myself there was "no way" I would ever believe my affair was "wrong", no way I would wait until divorce to date, no way I would wait for marriage to have sex again. Seriously. One week. And a week later, I had a new heart. And five months later, I still have it. I know that I can and will live righteously. I know that living righteously is the only path to true happiness - for myself and my children. I pray my example will be strong enough to overcome the damage he is doing, the damage he has already done, the example he is setting. I pray they will not internalize the statements he is making, through his actions, about VALUES AND MORALITY. I still pray, every day, that he will come to his senses, repent, choose his eternal family once again. But that dream is beginning to drift further and further away. Also makes me sad. And hopeful. My future will be blessed, regardless.
My husband, as long as I have known him, was the guy who always, ALWAYS did the "right thing" - or at least completely UNDERSTOOD the right thing to do in any given situation. He honored Priesthood, his AND other people's. He BELIEVED in the doctrine of the church. I am incapable of wrapping my mind around the concept that this is the same guy I married. Obviously he isn't. But still... I married the guy who did the right thing! And now... he has a girlfriend while he's still married to me. He has completely involved her in my children's lives, to the extent that she is sleeping over there each night with the kids now. Really? Did he forget we are Mormon?
I would NEVER have imagined being in this position. I always thought, ALWAYS BELIEVED that my husband was LITERALLY a better person than me. I thought he was stronger spiritually. I thought he was nicer. I thought he was GOOD, down to the core. It is devastating to realize how completely wrong I was. I am the one who is supposed to be living with some other guy before we are divorced. He is the one who is supposed to be fighting for his family, clinging to eternity. I am not sure how to even comprehend the role reversal here. Really.
Turns out, I am the strong one. Who knew? Oh wait, strong in general? I think that part I knew. But spiritually, I had forsaken the church years ago. And as recent as a week before my change of heart I was telling myself there was "no way" I would ever believe my affair was "wrong", no way I would wait until divorce to date, no way I would wait for marriage to have sex again. Seriously. One week. And a week later, I had a new heart. And five months later, I still have it. I know that I can and will live righteously. I know that living righteously is the only path to true happiness - for myself and my children. I pray my example will be strong enough to overcome the damage he is doing, the damage he has already done, the example he is setting. I pray they will not internalize the statements he is making, through his actions, about VALUES AND MORALITY. I still pray, every day, that he will come to his senses, repent, choose his eternal family once again. But that dream is beginning to drift further and further away. Also makes me sad. And hopeful. My future will be blessed, regardless.
Kids today; +/-
Some days with 6 kids are just longer than other days with 6 six kids. Seriously. This morning was OFF THE WALL getting ready for church. Then we made it to church (a little late) but LOVE those Stryker girls for coming and sitting with us. Made for a MUCH more mellow sacrament meeting than normal. Mom got to pay attention to testimonies (at least until I had to take Janey out) and our zoo was way less of a distraction than your typical Sunday. I did my usual unloading to my Bishop, went to Relief Society, gathered the children, and headed home. The walk to the car was somehow exceptionally long. Parker was CRYING, Janey was uncooperative, and I was carrying two heavy bags. Hattie told me she would help me "if we went to In n Out for dinner tomorrow." OMG. I could have smacked her. Jason, of course, ran ahead to the van so that he could lock everyone out before we all got there. So much for "in your seats, seatbelts on" before I get all of the way there. Ugh. Children. Finally Hattie agreed to carry Parker, and we hobbled the rest of the way out there (to the locked car, haha.) This pretty much set up the rest of the afternoon. And now I'm just not in the mood to go into it, but, trust me, it was loud and exhausting. But I'm not in the mood for rehashing it as I sit in silence here. Parker is sleeping (probably not for long) so I want to enjoy the peace for a bit. Just kidding. Had to go change Janey's diaper. Hope that is not indicative of what the rest of our night will be like. I'd like to get a little bit of sleep at least. Just a little. I'm a little short on sleep. And patience.
This afternoon, (after Papa and Grandma and the rest of us, but mostly Papa and Grandma worked really really hard pumping up the "earth ball" for them to play in) I was watching, through the window, the kids play together as I fed Parker. They were having so much fun running and jumping on each other, on the ball, in the ball. I could only see glimpses from my vantage point, but a couple of times I spied Breanna preparing to take a running leap onto the other kids. She looked so grown up. She'll only be 4 in May, but they still grow so fast. And I listened to them giggling and screaming (from the distance, thank goodness) and felt such love and joy for my family. They are amazing kids. I love them so very much.
Despite the difficulty, and stress, and frustration, I am certain of one thing - I am blessed. I am blessed with a loving and supportive family (namely my parents, Grandma and Papa) who have literally turned their lives upside down to facilitate us. I am blessed with a loving and supportive ward who never judge me, always love me, always show care and concern for me and my family. And I am especially blessed with six incredible children. I cannot believe that my husband is willing to let this go. This life. It is amazing. This decision on his part is his loss. Without question. Is it hard on me, YES! Hard on my parents, YES! But in the big picture, the eternal perspective, I am getting the blessings; I get to experience them every day. Rick has never even heard his newborn son cry. And Mr. Cranky Pants was crying ALL DAY today. But I was able to appreciate it in a new way because listening to a newborn cry uncontrollably is a rite of passage in parenthood. We've done it with every child we've ever had. Knowing their cries, feeling their pain. It's part of the job description. He will never experience it. How sad, really. How pathetically sad for him.
This afternoon, (after Papa and Grandma and the rest of us, but mostly Papa and Grandma worked really really hard pumping up the "earth ball" for them to play in) I was watching, through the window, the kids play together as I fed Parker. They were having so much fun running and jumping on each other, on the ball, in the ball. I could only see glimpses from my vantage point, but a couple of times I spied Breanna preparing to take a running leap onto the other kids. She looked so grown up. She'll only be 4 in May, but they still grow so fast. And I listened to them giggling and screaming (from the distance, thank goodness) and felt such love and joy for my family. They are amazing kids. I love them so very much.
Despite the difficulty, and stress, and frustration, I am certain of one thing - I am blessed. I am blessed with a loving and supportive family (namely my parents, Grandma and Papa) who have literally turned their lives upside down to facilitate us. I am blessed with a loving and supportive ward who never judge me, always love me, always show care and concern for me and my family. And I am especially blessed with six incredible children. I cannot believe that my husband is willing to let this go. This life. It is amazing. This decision on his part is his loss. Without question. Is it hard on me, YES! Hard on my parents, YES! But in the big picture, the eternal perspective, I am getting the blessings; I get to experience them every day. Rick has never even heard his newborn son cry. And Mr. Cranky Pants was crying ALL DAY today. But I was able to appreciate it in a new way because listening to a newborn cry uncontrollably is a rite of passage in parenthood. We've done it with every child we've ever had. Knowing their cries, feeling their pain. It's part of the job description. He will never experience it. How sad, really. How pathetically sad for him.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Proverbs 22
19:21
That thy trust may be in the Lord, I have made known to thee this day, even to thee. Have not I written to thee excellent things in counsels and knowledge, That I might make thee know the certainty of the words of truth; that thou mightest answer the words of truth to them that send unto thee?
That thy trust may be in the Lord, I have made known to thee this day, even to thee. Have not I written to thee excellent things in counsels and knowledge, That I might make thee know the certainty of the words of truth; that thou mightest answer the words of truth to them that send unto thee?
Friday, March 4, 2011
Proverbs
20:11
Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right.
21:2
Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the Lord pondereth the hearts.
21:16
The man that wandereth out of the way of understanding shall remain in the congregation of the dead.
23:9
Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words.
Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right.
21:2
Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the Lord pondereth the hearts.
21:16
The man that wandereth out of the way of understanding shall remain in the congregation of the dead.
23:9
Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Psalm 139:23-24
Yes, I'm still in Psalms! But I will finish tonight!
"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
HE does know my heart. HE loves me and values me. HIS judgement is the only one that matters. I know and am living the truth today.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
HE does know my heart. HE loves me and values me. HIS judgement is the only one that matters. I know and am living the truth today.
Victims
The concept of "victimhood" has always been a raw spot in my marriage. But after receiving this article from a friend, I feel totally enlightened.
I would love to start healing my marriage. I would love to start working together to have a healthy relationship. We certainly haven't up until now, and we won't until we both make the effort.
http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html
I would love to start healing my marriage. I would love to start working together to have a healthy relationship. We certainly haven't up until now, and we won't until we both make the effort.
http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Sundays
Since my spiritual awakening, I have developed a new appreciation for Sundays. Admittedly, Sundays are much easier when the kids are with their father, but even when they're at church with me, I am still grateful for the opportunity to go to church. Grateful for the support of a loving ward family and a truly inspired Bishop.
The spirit was strong today at church. The speakers talked about service, but more than that, I felt the spirit throughout sacrament meeting. It was overwhelming and gave me great comfort.
I meet with my Bishop almost every Sunday. He doesn't require it, but I kind of do. It helps me to talk with him and get reassurance that I remain on the right path. Even though I tend to revisit the same themes and similar struggles, I know I am making progress. I continue to make progress.
For some reason, despite my own hurt, my own anger, I haven't stopped believing in my eternal family. I haven't given up on my husband. I haven't even stopped loving him. I've just let him go for now. Accepted that he isn't choosing us. I hope he does eventually. I hope, when that time comes, it isn't too late.
The spirit was strong today at church. The speakers talked about service, but more than that, I felt the spirit throughout sacrament meeting. It was overwhelming and gave me great comfort.
I meet with my Bishop almost every Sunday. He doesn't require it, but I kind of do. It helps me to talk with him and get reassurance that I remain on the right path. Even though I tend to revisit the same themes and similar struggles, I know I am making progress. I continue to make progress.
For some reason, despite my own hurt, my own anger, I haven't stopped believing in my eternal family. I haven't given up on my husband. I haven't even stopped loving him. I've just let him go for now. Accepted that he isn't choosing us. I hope he does eventually. I hope, when that time comes, it isn't too late.
A nice day.
I really enjoyed the baby shower this morning. It was very low key, but also very fun. Plus I got tons of stuff for the baby! Diapers, wipes, baby wash, and CLOTHES! And I got TWO BINS of little baby boy hand-me-downs (thanks Denise!!) to sort through. So excited, really. My darling Hattie got to come, even though it is her Dad's weekend. Completely wonderful.
Then when I took Hattie back to Rick's, I was able to bring Parker over to visit with his Dad. Plus I got to see the kids for a bit. Super fun.
Later, a drive and a visit with my sister-in-law Trina. And then dinner at Lucille's with my cousin TJ. At dinner a man at another table came over and admired the baby. He said his son's girlfriend was expecting and they were just talking about the pride and joy of being a father. It was sweet.
Home now. Started sorting through the hand-me-downs and washing them. I have no idea how I'm going to organize all of these clothes. I don't know where to put them all. I need to clean my room. Again. Constantly. Haha. Blogging and watching "Top Chef" at midnight. This is my "off" weekend. I'm so cool.
Then when I took Hattie back to Rick's, I was able to bring Parker over to visit with his Dad. Plus I got to see the kids for a bit. Super fun.
Later, a drive and a visit with my sister-in-law Trina. And then dinner at Lucille's with my cousin TJ. At dinner a man at another table came over and admired the baby. He said his son's girlfriend was expecting and they were just talking about the pride and joy of being a father. It was sweet.
Home now. Started sorting through the hand-me-downs and washing them. I have no idea how I'm going to organize all of these clothes. I don't know where to put them all. I need to clean my room. Again. Constantly. Haha. Blogging and watching "Top Chef" at midnight. This is my "off" weekend. I'm so cool.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Why?
I wanted to post about why I did the things I did. So I wrote a really long post talking about my relationship, all of our choices, all of the many intricate reasons that I made the decisions I made. But, really, I think it comes down to two things...
Yes, I wasn't getting my "emotional needs" met, but I think that people cheat for two reasons. They are selfish. And insecure. That's it.
Yes, I wasn't getting my "emotional needs" met, but I think that people cheat for two reasons. They are selfish. And insecure. That's it.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Why I came back early.
I have been saying this whole time that I wouldn't come back to Facebook until the divorce was final. I was futilely trying to prove something to my husband about my commitment, my devotion. It has taken me this long to realize that my husband TRULY doesn't care about me. He doesn't care about my feelings, my intentions, my desires, or my "gestures" and has no intention of ever caring again. I decided it was time for me to stop giving him control over me - over my thoughts, my emotions, my actions, my confidence. Time for me to really start finding myself, and to do that I have to recognize that I deserve better than the way I've been treated for the past 5 months. I deserve to be loved; I deserve to be happy; I deserve to be treated with respect. I cannot control whether or not I get those things from Rick, but I don't have to keep living at his mercy.
I continue to be sincere in my goals for my family. I continue to be willing to do whatever it takes to fix, mend, repair. Whatever it takes.
I continue to be sincere in my goals for my family. I continue to be willing to do whatever it takes to fix, mend, repair. Whatever it takes.
I've suddenly realized
something very important:
When Rick says he "wants to" come back, he is just plain lying. It is just another way for him to shift the blame on me. This really isn't about anything I have done or said any more. I am doing everything the Lord would have me do in this situation. Rick knows what is right and chooses to ignore it.
My apologies will never be enough.
My efforts will never be enough.
There is nothing I can do or say.
In all likelihood, I will never be enough. I never have been.
When Rick says he "wants to" come back, he is just plain lying. It is just another way for him to shift the blame on me. This really isn't about anything I have done or said any more. I am doing everything the Lord would have me do in this situation. Rick knows what is right and chooses to ignore it.
My apologies will never be enough.
My efforts will never be enough.
There is nothing I can do or say.
In all likelihood, I will never be enough. I never have been.
Monday, February 21, 2011
"I don't care about YOU."
The response I got to the statement "Because you don't care about your family..."
This just keeps getting better and better.
This just keeps getting better and better.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Disability
My husband has filed for disability.
We've reached a new low in this "process" as any support has been suspended indefinitely. Until he gets this straightened out. Many people told me to be cautious because he "could" quit his job in order to avoid paying child support. I KNEW Rick would NEVER quit. It is unlike him to blatantly disregard his responsibilities. He has a great deal of pride. However, his work will now "not let him" go back to work until his whole back thing gets figured out. It's like quiting legitimized, as far as I'm concerned. Guess his mom won't have to worry about me leaving him enough to live on. I'm more worried about if there will be anything left over for his six children. Awe-freaking-some.
I'm not exactly sure where to go from here. Although going to work does not seem like a practical option with so many small children, especially a newborn nursing baby. Plus I couldn't make enough to pay for the childcare. Or half of the childcare.
Suddenly we're in a completely different place. I am still interested in any attempt at reconciliation. With a lot of commitment, a lot of faith, and a lot of therapy. But I get it. For sure. He's not. He's got a girlfriend. A new life. A plan? Is he starting over? What happens to these kids? I'm not sure. Shocking. And absurd.
Lots to think about. Lots to figure out.
We've reached a new low in this "process" as any support has been suspended indefinitely. Until he gets this straightened out. Many people told me to be cautious because he "could" quit his job in order to avoid paying child support. I KNEW Rick would NEVER quit. It is unlike him to blatantly disregard his responsibilities. He has a great deal of pride. However, his work will now "not let him" go back to work until his whole back thing gets figured out. It's like quiting legitimized, as far as I'm concerned. Guess his mom won't have to worry about me leaving him enough to live on. I'm more worried about if there will be anything left over for his six children. Awe-freaking-some.
I'm not exactly sure where to go from here. Although going to work does not seem like a practical option with so many small children, especially a newborn nursing baby. Plus I couldn't make enough to pay for the childcare. Or half of the childcare.
Suddenly we're in a completely different place. I am still interested in any attempt at reconciliation. With a lot of commitment, a lot of faith, and a lot of therapy. But I get it. For sure. He's not. He's got a girlfriend. A new life. A plan? Is he starting over? What happens to these kids? I'm not sure. Shocking. And absurd.
Lots to think about. Lots to figure out.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Psalm 57:9-11
"I will praise thee, O Lord, among the people: I will sing unto thee among the nations. For thy mercy is great unto the heavens, and thy truth unto the clouds. Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens: let thy glory be above all the earth."
The psalms are quite inspiring. David was quite the poet, although I am thinking much of his talent was lost in translation. I'm sure they did their best. I just spent 45 minutes reading. Filled with gratitude and a desire to lift His name! The Spirit is such a lovely thing!
I wonder who is out there reading? Send me an email, and let me know what's new with you!
The psalms are quite inspiring. David was quite the poet, although I am thinking much of his talent was lost in translation. I'm sure they did their best. I just spent 45 minutes reading. Filled with gratitude and a desire to lift His name! The Spirit is such a lovely thing!
I wonder who is out there reading? Send me an email, and let me know what's new with you!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Exhaustion
I can't even count the number of blog entries I have started in my head. Having a newborn (and 5 other children!) has made blogging nearly impossible. Especially since (as I have said before) the computer shares a room with Janey. That means naptime and bedtime are off limits!
I've been getting around 3-5 hours of sleep at night - about 1.5 hours at a time. No, not very conducive to productivity... BUT I am starting to get the hang of the new routine, now including baby Parker. My former "break" time (from about 1:15 to about 2:30) when I had only Baby Jane now consists of lunch, People's Court, and feeding Parker. Somehow, today, it still felt like a break, so I think that's good.
Absolutely no progress on the husband front. Trying to keep my frustrations to a minimum.
Out of time. The zoo is calling...
I've been getting around 3-5 hours of sleep at night - about 1.5 hours at a time. No, not very conducive to productivity... BUT I am starting to get the hang of the new routine, now including baby Parker. My former "break" time (from about 1:15 to about 2:30) when I had only Baby Jane now consists of lunch, People's Court, and feeding Parker. Somehow, today, it still felt like a break, so I think that's good.
Absolutely no progress on the husband front. Trying to keep my frustrations to a minimum.
Out of time. The zoo is calling...
Baby pictures
The pictures won't be posted until later (tonight?) but I want to give credit where credit is due!
www.dianabaima.smugmug.com
Monday, February 14, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Scriptures
Psalm 9:10
"And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee."
Psalm 11:5-7
"The Lord trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth. Upon the wicked he shall rain snares, fire and brimstone, and an horrible tempest: this shall be the portion of their cup. For the righteous Lord loveth righteousness; his countenance doth behold the upright."
Psalm 18:30-32
"As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him. For who is God save the Lord? or who is a rock save our God? It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect."
"And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee."
Psalm 11:5-7
"The Lord trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth. Upon the wicked he shall rain snares, fire and brimstone, and an horrible tempest: this shall be the portion of their cup. For the righteous Lord loveth righteousness; his countenance doth behold the upright."
Psalm 18:30-32
"As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him. For who is God save the Lord? or who is a rock save our God? It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect."
Friday, February 11, 2011
Derek
Yesterday was Derek's 5th Birthday.
Derek is our third child. Before getting pregnant with Derek, we began preparations to be foster parents. Right after I found out I was pregnant, we agreed to have two foster children (brothers, ages 16 and 8) come live with us. The pregnancy was tumultuous, given the circumstances. We learned a lot about fostering, parenting, our children, and ourselves. We dealt with a lot of stress and strife.
During most of the pregnancy, we had named the baby Kevin Andrew. Well, I had, I guess. It wasn't until it was almost time that Rick revealed his dislike for the name I had chosen. We frantically searched for alternatives. We liked Keithan Fletcher. So that was it for about a week. Then, on February 8, 2006, our friends Kendall and Norma had a baby boy. Rick talked to Kendall about names and Kendall had given Rick a list of names they were considering. Derek was on the list. For some reason, it struck a chord with both Rick and I. Two days later, I was in the labor & delivery room at 8am insisting that Rick call Kendall to make sure they hadn't named their baby Derek! Luckily, his name was Tyler. So Kevin Andrew became Keithan Fletcher became Derek Matthew. And grateful we are to have him!
Derek was born 16 days early at 8 lb 2 oz. He had a full head of dark curly hair, and we thought for sure he was going to be the darkest one yet! Over the course of the first few months, Derek's skin lightened, his eyes lightened, and his hair all fell out! The peach fuzz that was coming in was white blond! It was the craziest thing. I would constantly ask Rick "Does this look blond to you?" He spit up every time he got fed. And when I say spit up, I actually mean puked. Every time I fed him I had to have a blanket with me (not just a burp rag) to protect me from the vomit that would follow. It is a wonder he gained any weight, but true to Thomson form, gain he did! The puking lasted the first year. Fun times!
Derek is now a bright and friendly 5 year old boy. He has a pleasant and bubbly personality, despite his stubborn stubborn temper. He also has an uncanny ability to pout with his whole body. But overall, he tends to be very helpful (usually willing to do chores like sweep or wash dishes or take out trash) and cheerful. I love having him around. His big blue eyes can sometimes be distracting, but there is a lot going on beneath the surface.
We had a blast playing at the Indoor Playground ("My Giggle Place") for his birthday last night. The kids all had fun, Derek got monster trucks and Bakugan, and Breanna even said "Can we come here for my birthday?" Must have been a success!
Happy Birthday to my sweet Derek! I love love love you so!
Derek is our third child. Before getting pregnant with Derek, we began preparations to be foster parents. Right after I found out I was pregnant, we agreed to have two foster children (brothers, ages 16 and 8) come live with us. The pregnancy was tumultuous, given the circumstances. We learned a lot about fostering, parenting, our children, and ourselves. We dealt with a lot of stress and strife.
During most of the pregnancy, we had named the baby Kevin Andrew. Well, I had, I guess. It wasn't until it was almost time that Rick revealed his dislike for the name I had chosen. We frantically searched for alternatives. We liked Keithan Fletcher. So that was it for about a week. Then, on February 8, 2006, our friends Kendall and Norma had a baby boy. Rick talked to Kendall about names and Kendall had given Rick a list of names they were considering. Derek was on the list. For some reason, it struck a chord with both Rick and I. Two days later, I was in the labor & delivery room at 8am insisting that Rick call Kendall to make sure they hadn't named their baby Derek! Luckily, his name was Tyler. So Kevin Andrew became Keithan Fletcher became Derek Matthew. And grateful we are to have him!
Derek was born 16 days early at 8 lb 2 oz. He had a full head of dark curly hair, and we thought for sure he was going to be the darkest one yet! Over the course of the first few months, Derek's skin lightened, his eyes lightened, and his hair all fell out! The peach fuzz that was coming in was white blond! It was the craziest thing. I would constantly ask Rick "Does this look blond to you?" He spit up every time he got fed. And when I say spit up, I actually mean puked. Every time I fed him I had to have a blanket with me (not just a burp rag) to protect me from the vomit that would follow. It is a wonder he gained any weight, but true to Thomson form, gain he did! The puking lasted the first year. Fun times!
Derek is now a bright and friendly 5 year old boy. He has a pleasant and bubbly personality, despite his stubborn stubborn temper. He also has an uncanny ability to pout with his whole body. But overall, he tends to be very helpful (usually willing to do chores like sweep or wash dishes or take out trash) and cheerful. I love having him around. His big blue eyes can sometimes be distracting, but there is a lot going on beneath the surface.
We had a blast playing at the Indoor Playground ("My Giggle Place") for his birthday last night. The kids all had fun, Derek got monster trucks and Bakugan, and Breanna even said "Can we come here for my birthday?" Must have been a success!
Happy Birthday to my sweet Derek! I love love love you so!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Empty
I feel and have felt a LOT of pain for him, my family, what I've done. But my problem now is WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??
We have 6 kids. I've been pregnant this entire time. I believe wholeheartedly in our family. I KNOW what we could have - Heavenly Father literally SHOWED ME our eternal potential. I'm supposed to just wait? For what? Let him blame everything on me? Yes, I screwed up plenty, but it isn't as though we had a "good" marriage that I ruined. There was already plenty we needed to fix. He has a role in that too.
I love him. I love our kids. I would do ANYTHING. He won't even TRY. There is nothing I can do about his pain, hurt, anger. About what I've done to him and us. I have tried and tried and tried. I have been continually and constantly rejected. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO! IT IS ALL UP TO HIM!
We have 6 kids. I've been pregnant this entire time. I believe wholeheartedly in our family. I KNOW what we could have - Heavenly Father literally SHOWED ME our eternal potential. I'm supposed to just wait? For what? Let him blame everything on me? Yes, I screwed up plenty, but it isn't as though we had a "good" marriage that I ruined. There was already plenty we needed to fix. He has a role in that too.
I love him. I love our kids. I would do ANYTHING. He won't even TRY. There is nothing I can do about his pain, hurt, anger. About what I've done to him and us. I have tried and tried and tried. I have been continually and constantly rejected. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO! IT IS ALL UP TO HIM!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Therapy Wednesday
This week was not nearly as excruciating as last week. Minimal crying. Hooray for me. I've learned so much about myself. Most importantly that I've been in denial for months now. I cannot change my husband's mind. It is not in my control AT ALL. Despite my best efforts, he is not (at this point) going to come back and be with his family. That is his choice, his agency, and I have to let it go. Okay, maybe that's not the most important part. It could be that the most important part is that I have a lot of trouble with emotional intimacy. I'm not sure if that's why or because it was so lacking in my marriage, but there it is. Something to work on. Something to figure out, before I can have a good relationship with my husband or anyone else... Working on things is a lot of work, it seems.
I did, however, get "permission" from my therapist to continue blogging. Hooray for that, too. He says it's good for me to get my feelings out. Apparently it's been good for other people too. I am so glad. Really happy that I'm not just indulging myself and that someone out there is actually getting something useful from the things I've posted. That is a positive, even if my marriage fails. I've done all I can. I'm staying willing. That's all that Heavenly Father wants from me at this point. Not giving up, just re-directing.
There is peace (and even happiness) in acceptance, as difficult as it is to accept.
P.S. Hearing rescheduled to April 18. What are the chances we'll actually be divorced by June? Wondering if we'll make it to our 12th anniversary. That'd be kind of cool... :-/
I did, however, get "permission" from my therapist to continue blogging. Hooray for that, too. He says it's good for me to get my feelings out. Apparently it's been good for other people too. I am so glad. Really happy that I'm not just indulging myself and that someone out there is actually getting something useful from the things I've posted. That is a positive, even if my marriage fails. I've done all I can. I'm staying willing. That's all that Heavenly Father wants from me at this point. Not giving up, just re-directing.
There is peace (and even happiness) in acceptance, as difficult as it is to accept.
P.S. Hearing rescheduled to April 18. What are the chances we'll actually be divorced by June? Wondering if we'll make it to our 12th anniversary. That'd be kind of cool... :-/
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Priorities
Since paternity was established, the only contact I've had is a couple of texts about filing taxes. For someone who wants to see their kids "whenever possible" wants 3 weekends a month put in the court paperwork, it seems strange that I have NEVER received ONE phone call asking for more time, asking for an extra day, much less an extra weekend. Not one request to see the baby (only contact has been during drop off or pick up of the bigger kids.) Not even one inquiry or request to "tell my kids I love them"... Only interaction is at the currently appointed times (Wed night and every other weekend.) Curious...
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Dear Rick-
You're right. You can't trust me, but it has nothing to do with how trustworthy I am. Because you could with some effort, but you "can't" - so that's it. You're divorcing me because I betrayed you and you can't forgive. Not because of Facebook or my blog or HER (although I wish her luck.) You can't trust; you can't forgive. I accept it. I'm done trying to force you to see the light, to accept my change, to want this family whole. If you change your mind, I love you, and I'm listening. Otherwise, you're right; you've decided. We're divorced. No playing happy family, tucking kids in, etc. Stay on the porch. Have a nice life.
Congratulations. You're a Daddy (again) Duh.
Congratulations. You're a Daddy (again) Duh.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
"No one deserves to be hurt like this..."
One of two statements that my therapist asked me to consider over the course of the next week.
I guess if I actually believed that I didn't DESERVE to be hurting, I would stop hurting myself. Or more accurately, stop putting myself into situations that I KNOW will cause me hurt. Stop trying to force change where there is no apparent desire for change... I would just "accept what is"... I'm just not sure how to do that.
I think my biggest problem is that I am afraid that if I stop anything, I will be "giving up" and I do not want to give up on my family. To truly fight for this family, I have to be fighting, actively. Except it hasn't been very productive so far. Actually it has been quite counter-productive.
So, do I deserve to hurt? Absolutely. I want to be punished. Mostly, I believe that if I just put up with enough abuse... But apparently that's MY way. Testing. So this isn't a test of my love. It's outright rejection. And that's the part I have a hard time accepting. Especially when it's a rejection of who I WAS, and not who I AM now.
He hurt my feelings today, the therapist, disagreeing with me. And I shut down, closed off completely. He told me that I have to tell him when I am upset with him about something he's said. I'm supposed to talk about my feelings with him, and I didn't realize how difficult that was for me. I started to cry. Hard. Uncontrollably, really. I think the real problem is not talking about my feelings, but talking to someone in particular about how THEY've made me feel. Suddenly I realize I have intimacy issues. The fact is, I was crying for no other reason than I miss my husband. There is no other person I want to talk to about my feelings. Not being able to hurts. So I keep trying. And keep hurting. Thus my cycle.
I guess the truth is probably that I don't deserve to be hurting like this, but I'm not sure what it would take for me to actually believe it. To realize that no amount of hurting will be enough to change anything. I really don't know what it would take.
I guess if I actually believed that I didn't DESERVE to be hurting, I would stop hurting myself. Or more accurately, stop putting myself into situations that I KNOW will cause me hurt. Stop trying to force change where there is no apparent desire for change... I would just "accept what is"... I'm just not sure how to do that.
I think my biggest problem is that I am afraid that if I stop anything, I will be "giving up" and I do not want to give up on my family. To truly fight for this family, I have to be fighting, actively. Except it hasn't been very productive so far. Actually it has been quite counter-productive.
So, do I deserve to hurt? Absolutely. I want to be punished. Mostly, I believe that if I just put up with enough abuse... But apparently that's MY way. Testing. So this isn't a test of my love. It's outright rejection. And that's the part I have a hard time accepting. Especially when it's a rejection of who I WAS, and not who I AM now.
He hurt my feelings today, the therapist, disagreeing with me. And I shut down, closed off completely. He told me that I have to tell him when I am upset with him about something he's said. I'm supposed to talk about my feelings with him, and I didn't realize how difficult that was for me. I started to cry. Hard. Uncontrollably, really. I think the real problem is not talking about my feelings, but talking to someone in particular about how THEY've made me feel. Suddenly I realize I have intimacy issues. The fact is, I was crying for no other reason than I miss my husband. There is no other person I want to talk to about my feelings. Not being able to hurts. So I keep trying. And keep hurting. Thus my cycle.
I guess the truth is probably that I don't deserve to be hurting like this, but I'm not sure what it would take for me to actually believe it. To realize that no amount of hurting will be enough to change anything. I really don't know what it would take.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Ezra 3:11
"And they sang together by course in praising and giving thanks to the Lord; because he is good, for his mercy endureth for ever toward Israel..."
Reminding me to be grateful for my many blessings. Grateful for His mercy. Grateful for the Atonement. Grateful for repentance and forgiveness. Deepest gratitude for the comforting and confirming Spirit of the Lord, strengthening and sustaining me on my current path. Despite my emotional ups and downs, I know my path is true, and my Lord knows ME, knows my heart. He truly IS good. Grateful for the reminder.
Reminding me to be grateful for my many blessings. Grateful for His mercy. Grateful for the Atonement. Grateful for repentance and forgiveness. Deepest gratitude for the comforting and confirming Spirit of the Lord, strengthening and sustaining me on my current path. Despite my emotional ups and downs, I know my path is true, and my Lord knows ME, knows my heart. He truly IS good. Grateful for the reminder.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
A Whole New Level
My "Anonymous" friend told me, in the very first (deleted) comment, that I'd reached a "whole new level of crazy". What I've actually reached, I have decided, is a whole new level of heartbroken.
Depression
Welcome back, my old friend.
Ouch. The devastation of learning that everything I've written has been ignored.
Having hope for my eternal family is very difficult.
Guess I have to remind myself that this family will be blessed by Him, regardless of his choices and behaviors.
Ouch. The devastation of learning that everything I've written has been ignored.
Having hope for my eternal family is very difficult.
Guess I have to remind myself that this family will be blessed by Him, regardless of his choices and behaviors.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Crooky Pinky Toes
Who needs DNA testing? Just see how their pinky toes all curve underneath the next toe... Totally comes from Daddy's side...
Hattie
Jason
Derek
Breanna
Janey
Parker
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Anonymous
If you want to post a comment bashing me and my blog and the things I have written, please have the decency to sign it. Although, there is only one person I know of who has the audacity to say those things. Leave your name, and I will think about leaving your comment up.
I was going to respond to you publicly. I was going to take each element of the comment you wrote and explain my perspective, but I decided against it. I took your message, forwarded it to Rick, and responded to him. If you are interested in my detailed response, you can ask him for it.
Everything I have written in this blog is true. Yes, it is MY experience, MY impressions, MY truth. It is MY BLOG. Take from it what you will.
As for "details" about my indiscretions, my emails, my personal trainer. That was an interesting request. Here is the truth. I have slept with two men outside my marriage. One was a one night stand that I immediately regretted. The other was my affair and we had sex twice. It took me much longer to regret that decision, but I have learned so much about myself since then. I am immensely sorry, I wish I hadn't done it, but I also know that all of my terrible choices are now part of my journey that brought me to the place I am now. And I wouldn't give this place up for anything. Either Rick will benefit from it by putting our family back together, or just my kids (and everyone else in my life) will glean the rewards, but either way, it is the path I took to my own growth to become a better person, a better mother, a better daughter of my Heavenly Father.
The personal trainer was one of my "crushes" - a non-relationship that happened totally in my mind. As was Todd. As was Ross. That is the extent of it. You have NO IDEA what you are talking about. You have heard snippets from a very angry and hurt Rick. And THAT'S ALL.
My repentance is true, and sincere, and right. We CAN fix our marriage. We CAN be happy together. We CAN keep our eternal family whole. If Rick chose to try. He is not choosing that. That is the WHOLE truth.
I was going to respond to you publicly. I was going to take each element of the comment you wrote and explain my perspective, but I decided against it. I took your message, forwarded it to Rick, and responded to him. If you are interested in my detailed response, you can ask him for it.
Everything I have written in this blog is true. Yes, it is MY experience, MY impressions, MY truth. It is MY BLOG. Take from it what you will.
As for "details" about my indiscretions, my emails, my personal trainer. That was an interesting request. Here is the truth. I have slept with two men outside my marriage. One was a one night stand that I immediately regretted. The other was my affair and we had sex twice. It took me much longer to regret that decision, but I have learned so much about myself since then. I am immensely sorry, I wish I hadn't done it, but I also know that all of my terrible choices are now part of my journey that brought me to the place I am now. And I wouldn't give this place up for anything. Either Rick will benefit from it by putting our family back together, or just my kids (and everyone else in my life) will glean the rewards, but either way, it is the path I took to my own growth to become a better person, a better mother, a better daughter of my Heavenly Father.
The personal trainer was one of my "crushes" - a non-relationship that happened totally in my mind. As was Todd. As was Ross. That is the extent of it. You have NO IDEA what you are talking about. You have heard snippets from a very angry and hurt Rick. And THAT'S ALL.
My repentance is true, and sincere, and right. We CAN fix our marriage. We CAN be happy together. We CAN keep our eternal family whole. If Rick chose to try. He is not choosing that. That is the WHOLE truth.
Mediation
It went alright. As well as can be expected. Nothing like being reminded how much you still truly love your husband, and how much he DOESN'T want to be with you. Still trying, still praying.
Thank you all for your support and prayers. I'm not sure who's out there, but I know someone is reading. So thank you, all those who have put us in your prayers!
Thank you all for your support and prayers. I'm not sure who's out there, but I know someone is reading. So thank you, all those who have put us in your prayers!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
My Babies!
So happy they are home tonight!
Saw Jason and realized I've been staring at that face for the past week. It is almost creepy how much he and Parker look alike. OMG. I was ecstatic to see them all. Although I'm a little scared to try to get a full night of sleep, I am so happy they are snug in their beds. I so love them all. No school on Friday so we will be able to spend the day together. :-)
Saw Jason and realized I've been staring at that face for the past week. It is almost creepy how much he and Parker look alike. OMG. I was ecstatic to see them all. Although I'm a little scared to try to get a full night of sleep, I am so happy they are snug in their beds. I so love them all. No school on Friday so we will be able to spend the day together. :-)
Grieving
I have spent a lot of time, over the past 6 months, studying and experiencing the "Stages of Grief." I have always read (heard?) That people who are going through a break up can experience these stages, and divorce is an even more profound/greater loss. Once I realized I was actually making my way through the stages, I kind of got upset. Does this mean a divorce is inevitable? My therapist assured me that acceptance doesn't necessarily mean there is no chance to reconcile. Because I don't want to give up. I have made my way to acceptance several times, but it is constantly in a state of flux. I'm pretty sure having the baby (and the way he acted) put me into Anger. These days I am back to Depression. Why am I depressed over this guy? Is "father of my children" really that important when I'm being treated like CRAP?
He admitted to me today that he is with her. Not like I haven't known all along, but, wow, what a blow to have him say "Well, yeah." I would do anything to keep my marriage and family together. His affair is no better than mine. And his is actually going to destroy this family. I hope all of his "friends" and "support" are proud of themselves for encouraging him to destroy our family. Destroy our kids lives, as they know them... Feed his anger. Keep him feeling justified "moving on" while we are still married, while I am trying to fight for our family. If you were really a friend you would be encouraging him to TRY to fix this. Encouraging him to be a man who honors his commitments. My betrayal does not justify this, and I am full of remorse and repentance. At this point, it isn't about the past OR the present. It's only about the FUTURE our family could have. We could be whole. We could recover.
You're all freaking awesome. You know who you are.
He admitted to me today that he is with her. Not like I haven't known all along, but, wow, what a blow to have him say "Well, yeah." I would do anything to keep my marriage and family together. His affair is no better than mine. And his is actually going to destroy this family. I hope all of his "friends" and "support" are proud of themselves for encouraging him to destroy our family. Destroy our kids lives, as they know them... Feed his anger. Keep him feeling justified "moving on" while we are still married, while I am trying to fight for our family. If you were really a friend you would be encouraging him to TRY to fix this. Encouraging him to be a man who honors his commitments. My betrayal does not justify this, and I am full of remorse and repentance. At this point, it isn't about the past OR the present. It's only about the FUTURE our family could have. We could be whole. We could recover.
You're all freaking awesome. You know who you are.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
In tonights scripture reading...
2 Chronicles 15:7
"Be ye strong therefore, and let not your hands be weak; for your work shall be rewarded."
"Be ye strong therefore, and let not your hands be weak; for your work shall be rewarded."
Paco
Obviously, Parker has had his name picked out for a long time. Our little Derek, who just happens to speak with a Boston accent (don't ask me, I have no idea) has always called him "Pahka" (just imagine Boston...) And then we would say... "Who's Paco?"... "You know, the baby, Pahka." And voila! A nickname was born. He shall be Paco, at least to me. And probably my mom. The other kids told me they are going to call him Kevin. I'm not kidding.
He is super cute. In kind of a grumpy old man way, just like Jason. He's tiny compared to all the rest of the babies (except maybe Hattie, but who remembers back that far?) and it's really fun to have a baby who feels like a newborn. He even fits into newborn clothes and newborn diapers! As I mentioned, his face is a lot like Jason's was (grumpy old man) except it seems that his nose is bigger. Haha. Sorry Rick, he looks just like you! His hands and feet are huge (just like the rest of the kids were...) and his pinky toe does that crooky thing they all have, too (also comes from Rick's side, I'm not kidding.) The biggest difference is that he MAY (just MAY) have Cantu hair (my mom's side) because it is so far quite dark and THICK! The kids at birth have always had very thin, feathery hair. When I washed Parker's it got SOOO FUZZY! It was adorable. And he loves being clean. Yay! Just hope it doesn't all fall out and come in blond. Haha. Just kidding. That would be cool too. With Derek it happened around 3 months. Guess we'll just have to wait and see.
I've really been enjoying my time with just Parker, even though I haven't gotten as much rest as I truly need and would have liked. Oh well. The kids come home tomorrow night and then they are gone again this weekend. It has been much different without them around, but I've definitely needed to recover before I'm at full swing again. (Pain meds!!!!)
Mediation on Thursday. Rick hasn't seen the baby since Thursday. He's not interested in coming here to see him. He says he wants to do the DNA test when he drops the kids off tomorrow. Whoop-dee-doo. I know who the father is. :-P Oh well.
I am accepting that he's divorcing me. I don't like it. I don't want it. But I have to accept it eventually. I believe he's an idiot for giving up on his family, but if he never comes back... I will be loved again. And better. Either way, I know it will be better than it was. It has to be. I'm already better.
Gonna try to get some more pics up soon. He's growing so fast!! :-)
He is super cute. In kind of a grumpy old man way, just like Jason. He's tiny compared to all the rest of the babies (except maybe Hattie, but who remembers back that far?) and it's really fun to have a baby who feels like a newborn. He even fits into newborn clothes and newborn diapers! As I mentioned, his face is a lot like Jason's was (grumpy old man) except it seems that his nose is bigger. Haha. Sorry Rick, he looks just like you! His hands and feet are huge (just like the rest of the kids were...) and his pinky toe does that crooky thing they all have, too (also comes from Rick's side, I'm not kidding.) The biggest difference is that he MAY (just MAY) have Cantu hair (my mom's side) because it is so far quite dark and THICK! The kids at birth have always had very thin, feathery hair. When I washed Parker's it got SOOO FUZZY! It was adorable. And he loves being clean. Yay! Just hope it doesn't all fall out and come in blond. Haha. Just kidding. That would be cool too. With Derek it happened around 3 months. Guess we'll just have to wait and see.
I've really been enjoying my time with just Parker, even though I haven't gotten as much rest as I truly need and would have liked. Oh well. The kids come home tomorrow night and then they are gone again this weekend. It has been much different without them around, but I've definitely needed to recover before I'm at full swing again. (Pain meds!!!!)
Mediation on Thursday. Rick hasn't seen the baby since Thursday. He's not interested in coming here to see him. He says he wants to do the DNA test when he drops the kids off tomorrow. Whoop-dee-doo. I know who the father is. :-P Oh well.
I am accepting that he's divorcing me. I don't like it. I don't want it. But I have to accept it eventually. I believe he's an idiot for giving up on his family, but if he never comes back... I will be loved again. And better. Either way, I know it will be better than it was. It has to be. I'm already better.
Gonna try to get some more pics up soon. He's growing so fast!! :-)
Monday, January 24, 2011
Indiana
I started writing this post on December 12, 2010.
IN MY OPINION, this is the biggest reason that our marriage is going to fail. Rick will vehemently deny that this is a factor IN ANY WAY. I am fed up with the way he has treated and is treating me and our children. I am tired of pretending to believe his lies. I am hurt that other people are supporting him in his lies, to the detriment of my family, my children. You can all believe what you will. I know the truth. Rick tells me I am "pitiful" and that I should "go find the love of [my] life"... Apparently he's finally found his.
***************
Almost immediately after our "separation" (June 18th) Rick admitted to me that he had gotten in contact with an "old (close) friend (who's a girl)" again. She was providing emotional support to him since she had been through a divorce years ago. She lived in Indiana. I didn't feel that it was a threat. He was getting support; he needed support.
Then, at the end of August, I was looking through my cell phone bill (which was excessively high) and noticed that he had spent over 9500 minutes on the cell phone. Who was he talking to? That seemed like a lot! So I went into the call history, and found a rude awakening. Over the course of the previous month, Rick had been on the phone with Indiana for anywhere from 3 hours to 6 hours to even sometimes 9 hours per day, every single day. Work days, weekends, days with my kids, early mornings, late nights, all of the freaking time... I was floored. This no longer seemed like innocent friendship and support to me. I was concerned. I confronted him. He denied. "Friend, friend, friend, friend..." was all I got. I tried to believe him. I asked him to remove his cell phone from the account so that I would not have the temptation to keep track of his contact with her. He transferred the cell phone onto her account "because she gets a discount on her service..." Hmmm. Whatever. Excuses. She was still in Indiana. How much trouble could this be?
Rick had been planning a trip over Labor Day weekend, and I suddenly realized that he must be flying back to Indiana. When I asked him, he said "Yes, but not for her. It's her aunt that's paying for it. The aunt really wanted to see me..." but of course he would see "her" while he was there. Hmmm. I tried to believe him.
The weekend after Labor Day, Rick had visitation with the children. I didn't find out until Sunday after church that "Indiana" had MOVED TO CALIFORNIA that weekend. He stayed in the same house with her, with the children, all weekend. The kids immediately fell in love with her 4yo daughter. Rick insisted he "didn't know she was coming. No one told me even last week when I was there..." Hmmm. I tried to believe him. I expressed to him my concerns about him introducing the children to another woman (EVEN "JUST A FRIEND") and begged him to NOT involve the children. I asked him to respect my request to keep her away from the children. He told the kids that they wouldn't be spending the night at that house any more because it was "inappropriate" now that Indiana lived there. He told me he would not bring the children around her. Both of those things were short lived.
The next Friday, he took the kids to the movies with Her, another friend (and his then fiance) and all of their children. Seemed like a date to me. I was flabbergasted. When I confronted him, he promised, again, not to do it again. Obviously, he wasn't being honest. It was the next day (Saturday, September 25) that I had my change of heart. He came over, I poured out my heart to him, and he was obviously conflicted. He told me he thought he was in love with Her. And he KNEW that she "truly" loved him. He spent the night with me. The next morning, she called him on the phone and I could hear him trying to comfort Her "No, it's okay, don't worry, it'll be alright... I don't know what to say... I don't know what to say..." "YOU ARE STILL MARRIED!" I screamed. "YOU ARE STILL MARRIED! THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY!" When I returned to the house, we sat down and talked. He admitted his confusion. He did not deny the relationship. He told me they had kissed "once"... I tried to believe him. That day, I met with his Bishop trying to get confirmation that Rick needed to stop contact with this other woman. At first his Bishop disagreed. He said that they were "just friends" and were allowed to be "friends". OMG. I was livid. Admitted romantic feelings and physical intimacy is suddenly being referred to as "just friends"? Holy cow! I left to speak with my own Bishop and tried to calm myself. I got a blessing. So grateful for my Bishop. I returned to his Bishop and had a much calmer conversation. "I looked it up again," he said, "and the Handbook DOES say 'no contact.' So, I told Rick that he needs to cut off contact with her." "Rick decided," he continued," to try to cut off contact as much as possible with you both." Supposedly he would pray on it and see what Heavenly Father would have him do. This was back in September. The answer he received at that time was that he could not return to me, to his family. He NEVER cut of contact with her. He has continued his "friend" relationship with her ever since.
Over the course of the following month (now into October) he continued to see her and her daughter on each and every visit with the kids (Wednesdays and Weekends) and two weeks before Halloween (Oct 15 - 17, he had the children with him) I drove by her house on Saturday night to find the van parked out front at 11:30pm. He obviously no longer cared about what was "appropriate" any more. They had spent the entire weekend there, sleeping over both nights.
November 1, Rick moved into his own 1 bedroom apartment. Now he had no excuse. He had "his own place" to take the children. He continued to see her (and her daughter) with each and every visit with the children. On November 8, I went back to old cell phone bills and realized that the hours long conversations started much earlier than I had thought - within days of our initial separation, before the move from Menifee, even. He had still been sleeping (and I mean NOT sleeping) with me regularly (even within minutes of conversations with her on the phone.)
Hattie mentioned that they had slept over Her place again on November 13, after he brought both Her and her child and our kids out for a visit with one of his friends and their family. Wow. I realized then that he was no longer pretending. Although he was still denying everything to me, he was openly telling other people that he "is in love with someone else and getting a divorce." Oh, the irony. I could relate so fully, yet I knew/know how WRONG it all was/is.
I didn't find out until December, but he filed for divorce the next Tuesday (November 16). It took another 3 weeks for me to learn of it and for me to be served with the divorce papers.
He admitted to ME at the end of Thanksgiving week that not only had he slept over at her place on nights with the children, but he had also slept there nights without the children. All since he had gotten his own apartment. "I didn't have a bed to sleep on yet..." I was no longer even trying to believe him. It didn't matter any more. He is too far gone.
I never saw this coming. My husband was the man who told me (throughout my entire marriage) that "we would always work it out. No matter what, he would stay. EVEN IF I CHEATED ON HIM." He no longer believes that. He always said "I will never get remarried." and "I would never even consider marrying a woman who has her own children." As I have said before, I do not even recognize him any more. He is not the man I thought I married. That man always said "Divorce is NOT an option, ever."
To this day he involves Indiana and her daughter in almost every activity they do as a family when the children are in his care. The children see her each and every time they are with him, every day of the visit. He tells them they are "friends" and she is "helping" him. I should be grateful he's lying to them. He has them the next few days (so that I have extra recovery time from GIVING BIRTH) and, according to the kids, she will be spending the night there with them. Yeah, that's totally appropriate. Guess it doesn't matter that he has told many many people that he is in love with her. I guess I should just be grateful he is getting help; he certainly needs it.
I am disgusted. Yes, I was wrong and have been wrong many times throughout our marriage. However, I ended the relationship I had, and have had no contact with him in over 6 months. I have no relationship with any other man, and I do not desire any other man. I do not believe anything I have done justifies this behavior on his part. I am still devoted to him and my family. He is divorcing me. That's the choice he is making. Although he continues to blame me 100%.
Grow up. Be a man. Take care of your family.
I don't know who this man is. I don't know what he is doing, or how he is making his decisions. Yet, Heavenly Father will not let me stop loving him. He is my husband, my eternal companion, and he will always be the father of my children. I may be able to find someone who will treat me better, but I will never be able to replace their father. They will always seek his love, attention, approval, and to that end I have to be willing to repair what has been broken. Heavenly Father will not let me stop fighting to put my family back together. My faith in Heavenly Father and my Love for my children are all I have left to guide me. They are both serving me well. My testimony is strong. My path is true. I will be okay. My children will be okay. I know these things for sure.
IN MY OPINION, this is the biggest reason that our marriage is going to fail. Rick will vehemently deny that this is a factor IN ANY WAY. I am fed up with the way he has treated and is treating me and our children. I am tired of pretending to believe his lies. I am hurt that other people are supporting him in his lies, to the detriment of my family, my children. You can all believe what you will. I know the truth. Rick tells me I am "pitiful" and that I should "go find the love of [my] life"... Apparently he's finally found his.
***************
Almost immediately after our "separation" (June 18th) Rick admitted to me that he had gotten in contact with an "old (close) friend (who's a girl)" again. She was providing emotional support to him since she had been through a divorce years ago. She lived in Indiana. I didn't feel that it was a threat. He was getting support; he needed support.
Then, at the end of August, I was looking through my cell phone bill (which was excessively high) and noticed that he had spent over 9500 minutes on the cell phone. Who was he talking to? That seemed like a lot! So I went into the call history, and found a rude awakening. Over the course of the previous month, Rick had been on the phone with Indiana for anywhere from 3 hours to 6 hours to even sometimes 9 hours per day, every single day. Work days, weekends, days with my kids, early mornings, late nights, all of the freaking time... I was floored. This no longer seemed like innocent friendship and support to me. I was concerned. I confronted him. He denied. "Friend, friend, friend, friend..." was all I got. I tried to believe him. I asked him to remove his cell phone from the account so that I would not have the temptation to keep track of his contact with her. He transferred the cell phone onto her account "because she gets a discount on her service..." Hmmm. Whatever. Excuses. She was still in Indiana. How much trouble could this be?
Rick had been planning a trip over Labor Day weekend, and I suddenly realized that he must be flying back to Indiana. When I asked him, he said "Yes, but not for her. It's her aunt that's paying for it. The aunt really wanted to see me..." but of course he would see "her" while he was there. Hmmm. I tried to believe him.
The weekend after Labor Day, Rick had visitation with the children. I didn't find out until Sunday after church that "Indiana" had MOVED TO CALIFORNIA that weekend. He stayed in the same house with her, with the children, all weekend. The kids immediately fell in love with her 4yo daughter. Rick insisted he "didn't know she was coming. No one told me even last week when I was there..." Hmmm. I tried to believe him. I expressed to him my concerns about him introducing the children to another woman (EVEN "JUST A FRIEND") and begged him to NOT involve the children. I asked him to respect my request to keep her away from the children. He told the kids that they wouldn't be spending the night at that house any more because it was "inappropriate" now that Indiana lived there. He told me he would not bring the children around her. Both of those things were short lived.
The next Friday, he took the kids to the movies with Her, another friend (and his then fiance) and all of their children. Seemed like a date to me. I was flabbergasted. When I confronted him, he promised, again, not to do it again. Obviously, he wasn't being honest. It was the next day (Saturday, September 25) that I had my change of heart. He came over, I poured out my heart to him, and he was obviously conflicted. He told me he thought he was in love with Her. And he KNEW that she "truly" loved him. He spent the night with me. The next morning, she called him on the phone and I could hear him trying to comfort Her "No, it's okay, don't worry, it'll be alright... I don't know what to say... I don't know what to say..." "YOU ARE STILL MARRIED!" I screamed. "YOU ARE STILL MARRIED! THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY!" When I returned to the house, we sat down and talked. He admitted his confusion. He did not deny the relationship. He told me they had kissed "once"... I tried to believe him. That day, I met with his Bishop trying to get confirmation that Rick needed to stop contact with this other woman. At first his Bishop disagreed. He said that they were "just friends" and were allowed to be "friends". OMG. I was livid. Admitted romantic feelings and physical intimacy is suddenly being referred to as "just friends"? Holy cow! I left to speak with my own Bishop and tried to calm myself. I got a blessing. So grateful for my Bishop. I returned to his Bishop and had a much calmer conversation. "I looked it up again," he said, "and the Handbook DOES say 'no contact.' So, I told Rick that he needs to cut off contact with her." "Rick decided," he continued," to try to cut off contact as much as possible with you both." Supposedly he would pray on it and see what Heavenly Father would have him do. This was back in September. The answer he received at that time was that he could not return to me, to his family. He NEVER cut of contact with her. He has continued his "friend" relationship with her ever since.
Over the course of the following month (now into October) he continued to see her and her daughter on each and every visit with the kids (Wednesdays and Weekends) and two weeks before Halloween (Oct 15 - 17, he had the children with him) I drove by her house on Saturday night to find the van parked out front at 11:30pm. He obviously no longer cared about what was "appropriate" any more. They had spent the entire weekend there, sleeping over both nights.
November 1, Rick moved into his own 1 bedroom apartment. Now he had no excuse. He had "his own place" to take the children. He continued to see her (and her daughter) with each and every visit with the children. On November 8, I went back to old cell phone bills and realized that the hours long conversations started much earlier than I had thought - within days of our initial separation, before the move from Menifee, even. He had still been sleeping (and I mean NOT sleeping) with me regularly (even within minutes of conversations with her on the phone.)
Hattie mentioned that they had slept over Her place again on November 13, after he brought both Her and her child and our kids out for a visit with one of his friends and their family. Wow. I realized then that he was no longer pretending. Although he was still denying everything to me, he was openly telling other people that he "is in love with someone else and getting a divorce." Oh, the irony. I could relate so fully, yet I knew/know how WRONG it all was/is.
I didn't find out until December, but he filed for divorce the next Tuesday (November 16). It took another 3 weeks for me to learn of it and for me to be served with the divorce papers.
He admitted to ME at the end of Thanksgiving week that not only had he slept over at her place on nights with the children, but he had also slept there nights without the children. All since he had gotten his own apartment. "I didn't have a bed to sleep on yet..." I was no longer even trying to believe him. It didn't matter any more. He is too far gone.
I never saw this coming. My husband was the man who told me (throughout my entire marriage) that "we would always work it out. No matter what, he would stay. EVEN IF I CHEATED ON HIM." He no longer believes that. He always said "I will never get remarried." and "I would never even consider marrying a woman who has her own children." As I have said before, I do not even recognize him any more. He is not the man I thought I married. That man always said "Divorce is NOT an option, ever."
To this day he involves Indiana and her daughter in almost every activity they do as a family when the children are in his care. The children see her each and every time they are with him, every day of the visit. He tells them they are "friends" and she is "helping" him. I should be grateful he's lying to them. He has them the next few days (so that I have extra recovery time from GIVING BIRTH) and, according to the kids, she will be spending the night there with them. Yeah, that's totally appropriate. Guess it doesn't matter that he has told many many people that he is in love with her. I guess I should just be grateful he is getting help; he certainly needs it.
I am disgusted. Yes, I was wrong and have been wrong many times throughout our marriage. However, I ended the relationship I had, and have had no contact with him in over 6 months. I have no relationship with any other man, and I do not desire any other man. I do not believe anything I have done justifies this behavior on his part. I am still devoted to him and my family. He is divorcing me. That's the choice he is making. Although he continues to blame me 100%.
Grow up. Be a man. Take care of your family.
I don't know who this man is. I don't know what he is doing, or how he is making his decisions. Yet, Heavenly Father will not let me stop loving him. He is my husband, my eternal companion, and he will always be the father of my children. I may be able to find someone who will treat me better, but I will never be able to replace their father. They will always seek his love, attention, approval, and to that end I have to be willing to repair what has been broken. Heavenly Father will not let me stop fighting to put my family back together. My faith in Heavenly Father and my Love for my children are all I have left to guide me. They are both serving me well. My testimony is strong. My path is true. I will be okay. My children will be okay. I know these things for sure.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Class Act
So, when Rick arrived at the hospital on Thursday, I had another visitor arrive right at the same time.
"Hi Rick," she said, "Congratulations!"
What was his response?
"Yeah, whatever."
And he thinks I'm trying to save our marriage because I "realize what I've lost."
My children are the only thing that matters to me. And "what is best for them" is to have their mother and their father together. Committed to each other and the family. Showing them that sometimes love is about endurance, and doing the work. We'd have to re-commit, both of us. We'd have to change. I think its worth it. I think they are worth it. No matter how hard it is, how much it hurts, or how long it takes. What are they worth to Rick?
"Hi Rick," she said, "Congratulations!"
What was his response?
"Yeah, whatever."
And he thinks I'm trying to save our marriage because I "realize what I've lost."
My children are the only thing that matters to me. And "what is best for them" is to have their mother and their father together. Committed to each other and the family. Showing them that sometimes love is about endurance, and doing the work. We'd have to re-commit, both of us. We'd have to change. I think its worth it. I think they are worth it. No matter how hard it is, how much it hurts, or how long it takes. What are they worth to Rick?
Obsessing
Do his friends really support him in NOT coming to see me or his newborn son in the hospital? Do the people in his life really think that the way he's treating me (and his baby) is okay? Right, even? Really? Because I do not understand a person treating another human being this way. Particularly not one's wife and newborn child. I just cannot comprehend it. Who are you? Who are these people?
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