I am feeling a lot of anger today. I am hoping blogging will help me work through it, but I don't know. I understand that I am responsible for putting myself here by allowing myself to go back and read through all of that bull. All the lies. All the planning. All the lies. I am devastated by the level of deceit. And not just by my husband.
Who tells the truth any more?
They were planning a life together. And you called me crazy. Told me it was platonic. About this subject, I have never been crazy. It was never platonic.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Relief...
Upon reading the vulgar email and seeing the naked pictures that Rick sent to Carolyn last summer (July 28 - remember they were just FRIENDS, nothing more!), I felt an indescribable rage. Intense anger and disgust. I was disgusted with him, not for what he did - believe me, I did the same and more, I am sure - but for the months and months and FULL YEAR of lies about it. I was hurt and disgusted that he just KEPT LYING to everyone. He knew he was planning a future - a forever - with another woman, and he refused to own up to it. Even when I would come to him, knowing what logic told me, pleading for the truth from him, he would continue to lie to my face. Yes, I have KNOWN it. But I also was attacked from varying sources about my inability to "prove" any of it. Or the fact that I "only know what I know." That the "facts about my relationship are facts" while I was just speculating about Rick and Carolyn. Clearly I was not speculating. I think I am justified (dangerous word, I know) in feeling a little vindicated when I was repeatedly called "crazy" for saying that she was a serious threat to our marriage, to our family.
As this new revelation has settled, I can feel only relief. I am relieved to know that I will NEVER EVER be tempted to "take Rick back" as it were. I will never desire for him to be my husband again. I will never trust him or love him. Well, I am supposed to figure out how to love him and forgive him, but I am certain that will take a while.
They sincerely believe in their eternal destiny together, their love, and for that I wish them the best. What I have witnessed already, and what I know about my husband, tells a different story, but maybe they'll figure out how to make it work.
So, I decided it was time to come clean (to the rest of the world because zillions already were in the loop on this) about my own relationship and let the chips fall. I have no reason to deny the truth. I am happy. I deserve to be happy. A stupid piece of paper from the State of California does not get to decide that for me. And Rick does not deserve me or this family.
As this new revelation has settled, I can feel only relief. I am relieved to know that I will NEVER EVER be tempted to "take Rick back" as it were. I will never desire for him to be my husband again. I will never trust him or love him. Well, I am supposed to figure out how to love him and forgive him, but I am certain that will take a while.
They sincerely believe in their eternal destiny together, their love, and for that I wish them the best. What I have witnessed already, and what I know about my husband, tells a different story, but maybe they'll figure out how to make it work.
So, I decided it was time to come clean (to the rest of the world because zillions already were in the loop on this) about my own relationship and let the chips fall. I have no reason to deny the truth. I am happy. I deserve to be happy. A stupid piece of paper from the State of California does not get to decide that for me. And Rick does not deserve me or this family.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
So angry.
Verifiable evidence that my husband was having a full-fledged sexual (if not yet physically) affair as of no later than JULY 28, 2010. I am losing my mind. I want to broadcast it from the rooftops. SEE, I'VE BEEN TELLING THE TRUTH THIS WHOLE TIME!! But what good would it do?
Friday, October 7, 2011
Mother of Six
This place is a zoo.
I was actually super impressed with myself this morning. As I nagged and reminded and politely prodded my children through the process of getting dressed (WITH SHOES!) making their beds and getting off to school. I know I shouldn't let them have the television on, but it is, at times, such a life-saver as well. Hard for me to find that balance. Oh well, we did it, eventually. Again.
Cleaning ladies came yesterday and now I have the (nearly impossible) task of keeping the house clean until our General Authority visit tomorrow morning. I am concerned about: fitting the visit in between soccer games, finding proper attire, being in the right mindset, given the insanity of a typical Saturday morning (okay, let's face it, a typical morning) but I still look forward to the opportunity. Grateful to my sister-in-law (TRINA) for offering to help me out. Make that super grateful. Hope the offer is still good. :-)
I cannot even express to you all how much I love these kiddos. I wish I could remember all of the wonderful gems I hear from them every single day...
This morning, Breanna had her shoes on the wrong feet. I didn't notice until we were in the car ready to go in to school. As I was changing them for her she asked me -
"Mommy, can you see through things?"
Me - "No."
Breanna - "Then how do Mommy's and Daddy's know when shoes are on the wrong feet?"
It really is those moments that complete me. I am ABSOLUTELY going to try to get more of them into this blog. I promise. :-)
I was actually super impressed with myself this morning. As I nagged and reminded and politely prodded my children through the process of getting dressed (WITH SHOES!) making their beds and getting off to school. I know I shouldn't let them have the television on, but it is, at times, such a life-saver as well. Hard for me to find that balance. Oh well, we did it, eventually. Again.
Cleaning ladies came yesterday and now I have the (nearly impossible) task of keeping the house clean until our General Authority visit tomorrow morning. I am concerned about: fitting the visit in between soccer games, finding proper attire, being in the right mindset, given the insanity of a typical Saturday morning (okay, let's face it, a typical morning) but I still look forward to the opportunity. Grateful to my sister-in-law (TRINA) for offering to help me out. Make that super grateful. Hope the offer is still good. :-)
I cannot even express to you all how much I love these kiddos. I wish I could remember all of the wonderful gems I hear from them every single day...
This morning, Breanna had her shoes on the wrong feet. I didn't notice until we were in the car ready to go in to school. As I was changing them for her she asked me -
"Mommy, can you see through things?"
Me - "No."
Breanna - "Then how do Mommy's and Daddy's know when shoes are on the wrong feet?"
It really is those moments that complete me. I am ABSOLUTELY going to try to get more of them into this blog. I promise. :-)
Thursday, October 6, 2011
A Rant.
Keeping my mouth shut on Facebook is a worthy and valuable new venture, but I am not really capable of shushing myself here. Really, this is meant to be that type of outlet, isn't it? So, please, forgive me my rantings...
A while back I posted about people taking sides. The basic premise is that people HAVE TO take sides at some point. There is no staying in the middle when a marriage (or family) breaks up. Pick your partner. Who do you think is "more" right? No, I don't think it is right to judge, offer judgment, be MEAN. But I do think it is right to offer/lend support to whomever you feel is best serving the interests/needs of the children. I get very defensive when people (Rick's friends and family) insist that they are refusing to take sides. Of course, that means they agree with Rick. Ridiculous, in my opinion! I get not wanting to alienate Rick (any more than he has already alienated himself) but I do not understand SUPPORTING the decisions he is making now. REGARDLESS of what I've done wrong. I do not understand giving him support on this path.
Recently I read - "I support... the efforts he's making to be a good father."
I will be quite honest in that I am disgusted by that statement. I am not sure to what efforts this person is referring. I have not seen Rick make any effort to be a good father. The ONLY thing I would credit him for in the column of "making effort" is making the drive from Hemet to watch the kids soccer games on Saturdays. However, he also made the choice to move 60 miles away so that he could live with Carolyn and her daughter. He had options of places he could have afforded to live here, but he would not have been able to support his girlfriend. So, he had to move. In that vein, he has made zero effort to support them financially (via child support) while he has been making sure he keeps a roof over her head, and he made ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT TO SEE OR KNOW PACO FOR THE FIRST 8 MONTHS OF HIS LIFE. Any relationship Parker has with his father is due to my CONSTANT asking, pressing, pushing visitation on Rick. On many, many occasions, visits were offered and outright refused. The only reason he takes Parker now is because I insisted that I would start weaning so that he would no longer have any excuse not to take the baby. His initial response to my offer was that perhaps I am not such a perfect mom because I am going to wean before a full year and "give up on [my] last born child." Ha ha. Give up??? Like he did??? I am frustrated (angry) that he implies (or outright accuses!) me of anything malicious or deceitful. I have NEVER EVER EVER kept any of his children from him. He has NEVER ONCE called them to say hello or good night. He has NEVER ONCE asked for additional time with them. He does barely what he is expected to do in our visitation agreement and NO MORE. Our lawyer meeting last week included a full discussion about how good it would be if he could call the kids each night (or even a couple of times a week) to have contact or just say good night. There have still been NO CALLS to the children since then. He has also refused to pay any child support since February. He insists that he "would have" paid DCSS (Dept of Child Support Services) but it isn't as though he set aside that money that he KNEW he owed. When I asked him about it, he said he used it to pay school loans, medical bills and to fix the car. That was money legally intended for support of his children that he consciously decided to spend elsewhere - on HIMSELF. Meanwhile, his future ex- in-laws are covering the tab he is running. $13,000+ now... Speaking of in-laws, mine have not offered any support to me or their grandchildren. Both my mother and father in law have both been happy to lecture me on my supposed lack of moral fortitude, but I wonder if they are willing to stand up to their son in the same manner? Seriously? What a joke!
My husband PLAYED a great father, he gets that ability honestly. I do believe he loves his children. He talks the talk and loves the IMAGE of having a big family with a bunch of children who adore him, but he is lazy and a liar and a victim (in my opinion after 10+ years of marriage.) He is happy to do less and blame others for his incompetence. I am tired of watching others buy in to his lies. I am tired of taking responsibility when he falls short. He is not my job any more. He needs to stop putting his responsibilities (and all the blame) on me. I cannot make up the difference in his "image" as a man and a father any more. I sure hope she is up to that task. Let me tell you, it gets very old.
Yes, I do feel better now. Thank you very much.
A while back I posted about people taking sides. The basic premise is that people HAVE TO take sides at some point. There is no staying in the middle when a marriage (or family) breaks up. Pick your partner. Who do you think is "more" right? No, I don't think it is right to judge, offer judgment, be MEAN. But I do think it is right to offer/lend support to whomever you feel is best serving the interests/needs of the children. I get very defensive when people (Rick's friends and family) insist that they are refusing to take sides. Of course, that means they agree with Rick. Ridiculous, in my opinion! I get not wanting to alienate Rick (any more than he has already alienated himself) but I do not understand SUPPORTING the decisions he is making now. REGARDLESS of what I've done wrong. I do not understand giving him support on this path.
Recently I read - "I support... the efforts he's making to be a good father."
I will be quite honest in that I am disgusted by that statement. I am not sure to what efforts this person is referring. I have not seen Rick make any effort to be a good father. The ONLY thing I would credit him for in the column of "making effort" is making the drive from Hemet to watch the kids soccer games on Saturdays. However, he also made the choice to move 60 miles away so that he could live with Carolyn and her daughter. He had options of places he could have afforded to live here, but he would not have been able to support his girlfriend. So, he had to move. In that vein, he has made zero effort to support them financially (via child support) while he has been making sure he keeps a roof over her head, and he made ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT TO SEE OR KNOW PACO FOR THE FIRST 8 MONTHS OF HIS LIFE. Any relationship Parker has with his father is due to my CONSTANT asking, pressing, pushing visitation on Rick. On many, many occasions, visits were offered and outright refused. The only reason he takes Parker now is because I insisted that I would start weaning so that he would no longer have any excuse not to take the baby. His initial response to my offer was that perhaps I am not such a perfect mom because I am going to wean before a full year and "give up on [my] last born child." Ha ha. Give up??? Like he did??? I am frustrated (angry) that he implies (or outright accuses!) me of anything malicious or deceitful. I have NEVER EVER EVER kept any of his children from him. He has NEVER ONCE called them to say hello or good night. He has NEVER ONCE asked for additional time with them. He does barely what he is expected to do in our visitation agreement and NO MORE. Our lawyer meeting last week included a full discussion about how good it would be if he could call the kids each night (or even a couple of times a week) to have contact or just say good night. There have still been NO CALLS to the children since then. He has also refused to pay any child support since February. He insists that he "would have" paid DCSS (Dept of Child Support Services) but it isn't as though he set aside that money that he KNEW he owed. When I asked him about it, he said he used it to pay school loans, medical bills and to fix the car. That was money legally intended for support of his children that he consciously decided to spend elsewhere - on HIMSELF. Meanwhile, his future ex- in-laws are covering the tab he is running. $13,000+ now... Speaking of in-laws, mine have not offered any support to me or their grandchildren. Both my mother and father in law have both been happy to lecture me on my supposed lack of moral fortitude, but I wonder if they are willing to stand up to their son in the same manner? Seriously? What a joke!
My husband PLAYED a great father, he gets that ability honestly. I do believe he loves his children. He talks the talk and loves the IMAGE of having a big family with a bunch of children who adore him, but he is lazy and a liar and a victim (in my opinion after 10+ years of marriage.) He is happy to do less and blame others for his incompetence. I am tired of watching others buy in to his lies. I am tired of taking responsibility when he falls short. He is not my job any more. He needs to stop putting his responsibilities (and all the blame) on me. I cannot make up the difference in his "image" as a man and a father any more. I sure hope she is up to that task. Let me tell you, it gets very old.
Yes, I do feel better now. Thank you very much.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
yeah.
Getting an email on Rick's account from Carolyn REALLY disturbed me. Emotionally, I am holding it together. Spiritually, I feel confident and strong. But mentally, I am overwhelmed and confused. None of this makes sense. I realize that. Trying to make sense of it just makes it harder to handle.
Sometimes, however, I just think "WHAT?? WHO IS THIS WOMAN??"
Sometimes, however, I just think "WHAT?? WHO IS THIS WOMAN??"
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Calm and Rational
Once I calmed down (and talked to about a zillion different people!) I settled my mind about our General Authority visit on Saturday morning. I am very excited that such a distinguished Priesthood leader has chosen to take his time to visit my family. I am overwhelmed with emotion. I am shocked, but content.
It took about a day for me to realize that this isn't about Rick. It isn't really about me either, and it isn't even about our kids, really. It is about Heavenly Father, and his ever-abounding love for us! This is such a blessing, a wonderful reminder that Heavenly Father KNOWS us, and LOVES us, and our Savior has FELT our struggles. A friend of mine told me that "Jesus Christ cannot come and visit us in our homes. This is the next best thing." What an amazing statement.
I'd better get cleaning. That and good thing the cleaning ladies come on Thursday. :-)
It took about a day for me to realize that this isn't about Rick. It isn't really about me either, and it isn't even about our kids, really. It is about Heavenly Father, and his ever-abounding love for us! This is such a blessing, a wonderful reminder that Heavenly Father KNOWS us, and LOVES us, and our Savior has FELT our struggles. A friend of mine told me that "Jesus Christ cannot come and visit us in our homes. This is the next best thing." What an amazing statement.
I'd better get cleaning. That and good thing the cleaning ladies come on Thursday. :-)
LOL
At one point during our "fights" via email, my husband actually insulted my hair. Like, that really makes any difference at this point.
Me: You're living with another woman while you're still married to me!
Him: Oh yeah, well, I think we have the same barber!
Me: You're living with another woman while you're still married to me!
Him: Oh yeah, well, I think we have the same barber!
Monday, October 3, 2011
70
I received a phone call from my Stake President (yes, the actual Stake President called me!) yesterday evening. Our Area Seventy is in town next weekend for our Stake Conference, and he'd like to come visit me at my home and meet my kids.
WHAT???????????????????????
Any ideas? I'm astounded. And stumped.
WHAT???????????????????????
Any ideas? I'm astounded. And stumped.
Surgery
What I know, or, at least, what I've been told...
Rick has a (very large) tumor on his T11 vertebrae. He is undergoing surgery on Wednesday at St. Joseph's Hospital, and will be spending at least 5 days in the ICU.
I am scared for my husband. I am scared for my children. I appreciate all of your prayers.
Rick will see the kids for dinner on Tuesday night, and after that I do not know how long it will be. I asked him this morning if they will be able to visit him in the hospital, but he doesn't know yet. I guess we'll see.
I know that I still love my husband. I know that we will not be able to stay married. He is going to marry someone else, because he thinks that is the answer. But I do love him.
Rick has a (very large) tumor on his T11 vertebrae. He is undergoing surgery on Wednesday at St. Joseph's Hospital, and will be spending at least 5 days in the ICU.
I am scared for my husband. I am scared for my children. I appreciate all of your prayers.
Rick will see the kids for dinner on Tuesday night, and after that I do not know how long it will be. I asked him this morning if they will be able to visit him in the hospital, but he doesn't know yet. I guess we'll see.
I know that I still love my husband. I know that we will not be able to stay married. He is going to marry someone else, because he thinks that is the answer. But I do love him.
More junk to vent.
Yes, I posted this on FB.
No, I am not divorced.
How could he think he could possibly get married before this coming Wednesday? Idiot.
How could he even consider telling the children that he is going to "try" to marry Carolyn before Wednesday?
Seven year old's are pretty smart. And Jason is emotional, but he does not express his emotion well. So, it broke my heart to hear him say, "It just doesn't feel right in my heart."
That's because it isn't. I can't say that to him, but it's true.
No, I am not divorced.
How could he think he could possibly get married before this coming Wednesday? Idiot.
How could he even consider telling the children that he is going to "try" to marry Carolyn before Wednesday?
Seven year old's are pretty smart. And Jason is emotional, but he does not express his emotion well. So, it broke my heart to hear him say, "It just doesn't feel right in my heart."
That's because it isn't. I can't say that to him, but it's true.
Meeting with the lawyers.
Monday, September 26, we met with both of our lawyers to finalize the details of our divorce. 2.5 hours of hashing out everything we've already agreed upon, typing up papers, signing papers.
The visitation is staying what we've already discussed. He has them 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends and Wednesday nights. Summer vacation is week on/ week off. We trade off Thanksgiving and Spring Break. We split Christmas holiday. Basically 70/30 split overall.
Dept of Child Support Services (DCSS) assessed child support (while Rick is on disability) at $1590 per month. When (??) he goes back to work, I will have to contact DCSS for them to re-assess the child support amount. Back child support was agreed at $13,687.
Now the court papers have to be filed. My lawyer said that it should be rejected at least once. Eventually it will be accepted. I'll get the finalized dissolution paperwork in the mail. And he will marry her.
New day. New life.
I felt confident, calm. I did not cry. Not once. Not before, during, or after. I haven't cried since. Good riddance. What an unpleasant man.
The visitation is staying what we've already discussed. He has them 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends and Wednesday nights. Summer vacation is week on/ week off. We trade off Thanksgiving and Spring Break. We split Christmas holiday. Basically 70/30 split overall.
Dept of Child Support Services (DCSS) assessed child support (while Rick is on disability) at $1590 per month. When (??) he goes back to work, I will have to contact DCSS for them to re-assess the child support amount. Back child support was agreed at $13,687.
Now the court papers have to be filed. My lawyer said that it should be rejected at least once. Eventually it will be accepted. I'll get the finalized dissolution paperwork in the mail. And he will marry her.
New day. New life.
I felt confident, calm. I did not cry. Not once. Not before, during, or after. I haven't cried since. Good riddance. What an unpleasant man.
Productivity
It's amazing how much more I get done (and how much more productive I feel) when I have gotten a decent night's sleep. Last night I went to bed around 9:30pm. Parker woke up 2 or 3 times, but Janey was really only up once (not until 5:15!). The second time it was wake-up time around 6:20, so it doesn't count.
Got everyone dressed and ready. Dropped off Hattie & Jason, back home to pick up Derek's homework folder, dropped off Derek. To the bank, then drop off Breanna. Home and laundry, and mop the floor, etc., etc.
Now I'd like to get some blogging done. Lot's to say.
Got everyone dressed and ready. Dropped off Hattie & Jason, back home to pick up Derek's homework folder, dropped off Derek. To the bank, then drop off Breanna. Home and laundry, and mop the floor, etc., etc.
Now I'd like to get some blogging done. Lot's to say.
Friday, September 30, 2011
My Side of the Story.
If you are just now reading my blog for the first time, please (if nothing else) go back and read two posts, for me. They will give you a concise picture of "my perspective" and my role in my divorce. There are many other posts that I love - particularly those about my kids - but these two give the story of my break up, from my side.
First Read - "A Timeline and a Testimony..."
http://amberandthekids.blogspot.com/2010/12/timeline-and-testimony-in-case-you-are.html?zx=6fba51534a72cd26
Next Read - "Indiana"
http://amberandthekids.blogspot.com/2011/01/indiana.html
If you haven't read these two, then you haven't got a full picture of what I've been through emotionally. Truthfully there are many, many more that I could point you to. :-)
Thanks!! <3<3<3
First Read - "A Timeline and a Testimony..."
http://amberandthekids.blogspot.com/2010/12/timeline-and-testimony-in-case-you-are.html?zx=6fba51534a72cd26
Next Read - "Indiana"
http://amberandthekids.blogspot.com/2011/01/indiana.html
If you haven't read these two, then you haven't got a full picture of what I've been through emotionally. Truthfully there are many, many more that I could point you to. :-)
Thanks!! <3<3<3
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Progress not Perfection
I still spend a lot of time and energy thinking about my husband. I wish I didn't. I wish I could just let it all go, move on, forget the pain, forget what could have been. Ah, it is so frustrating.
The truth is I spend a lot of my thoughts on contemplating what went wrong. What on earth went so very wrong in my marriage? Am I just a terrible person who ruined the most wonderful thing I had in my life? I find that hard to believe. Most of the time. Sometimes, I want to believe I deserve every painful moment I endure, but really, I know better. I did not have the perfect life.
My husband loved me. He really, truly loved me, and for that I feel extremely guilty. I know that what I did to him, the ways that I hurt him, devastated him to his core. I wish I could change that, but I can't. Our marriage, however, was not perfect. He was in no way the perfect husband or father. He was completely incapable of meeting my emotional needs. Our relationship was based on the idea that we both wanted it to be perfect and happy, but neither of us really understood what it took to make that happen. Maybe my needs were greater than he could handle. Maybe I didn't know what they were or how to communicate them. I have certainly learned a lot about my "issues" in the past year and a lot about my insecurities. I see so much more clearly how Rick and I played into each others' insecurities to perpetuate the myth that was our "perfect" family. I see him doing it again with his "new" wife. It scares me. For their sake, and for the sake of our children. He thinks he's "finally" setting the example of a great loving relationship, but in reality he is re-creating what we had with someone else. They will have their own problems. It is sad.
As I gain insight, confidence, and understanding of what happened in my own relationship, it gets me thinking about the future. What do I want in a future relationship? What do I need for my kids, myself, my family as it now stands? How does a woman find the one to fill that space in this situation? How does he find us?
So many people have told me, and continue to tell me "Don't Settle." I'll be honest in that I don't really know what that means. If any of you do, please tell me, I am still trying to learn...
The truth is I spend a lot of my thoughts on contemplating what went wrong. What on earth went so very wrong in my marriage? Am I just a terrible person who ruined the most wonderful thing I had in my life? I find that hard to believe. Most of the time. Sometimes, I want to believe I deserve every painful moment I endure, but really, I know better. I did not have the perfect life.
My husband loved me. He really, truly loved me, and for that I feel extremely guilty. I know that what I did to him, the ways that I hurt him, devastated him to his core. I wish I could change that, but I can't. Our marriage, however, was not perfect. He was in no way the perfect husband or father. He was completely incapable of meeting my emotional needs. Our relationship was based on the idea that we both wanted it to be perfect and happy, but neither of us really understood what it took to make that happen. Maybe my needs were greater than he could handle. Maybe I didn't know what they were or how to communicate them. I have certainly learned a lot about my "issues" in the past year and a lot about my insecurities. I see so much more clearly how Rick and I played into each others' insecurities to perpetuate the myth that was our "perfect" family. I see him doing it again with his "new" wife. It scares me. For their sake, and for the sake of our children. He thinks he's "finally" setting the example of a great loving relationship, but in reality he is re-creating what we had with someone else. They will have their own problems. It is sad.
As I gain insight, confidence, and understanding of what happened in my own relationship, it gets me thinking about the future. What do I want in a future relationship? What do I need for my kids, myself, my family as it now stands? How does a woman find the one to fill that space in this situation? How does he find us?
So many people have told me, and continue to tell me "Don't Settle." I'll be honest in that I don't really know what that means. If any of you do, please tell me, I am still trying to learn...
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Lies.
"Your Mom could afford to live out here near us, but she just won't."
Mom can't afford to live anywhere on NO child support.
"I pay the government and the government pays your mom."
That's news. Funny how I haven't received anything. If you're paying the government you just started last week...
"Your Mom puts Janey in size 4 diapers because she doesn't want to change her diaper as often."
OMG. Jane weighs 29 lbs. Size 3 goes up to 28 lbs, and size 4 starts at 22 lbs.
Parker weighs 20 lbs. Size 1 (Daddy's choice) goes up to 14 lbs. Seriously?
Mom can't afford to live anywhere on NO child support.
"I pay the government and the government pays your mom."
That's news. Funny how I haven't received anything. If you're paying the government you just started last week...
"Your Mom puts Janey in size 4 diapers because she doesn't want to change her diaper as often."
OMG. Jane weighs 29 lbs. Size 3 goes up to 28 lbs, and size 4 starts at 22 lbs.
Parker weighs 20 lbs. Size 1 (Daddy's choice) goes up to 14 lbs. Seriously?
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Painful
Every time I let myself get caught up in what I did, the hurt I caused, how Rick must have felt, it totally devastates me. I don't know if anyone understands just how much it pains me to think about how much I damaged my husband with my choices. It is easy for me to blame myself for everything that was wrong everything that is wrong with our marriage, our family, but it is not true.
My therapist reminded me last week (since we've addressed this before) that I let myself hurt emotionally because a part of me thinks I deserve it. A big part. Most of me. I want so badly to believe that I am a terrible person who doesn't deserve happiness, doesn't deserve to be loved. It is very very difficult to overcome these feelings of self doubt. Some days are good. Today is not.
I believe I actually torture myself with thoughts of how "things could be different" how things "should" be different. Literal torture. It is physically painful the hurt I cause for myself. And deep down I know it will never show him how sorry I am. It will never be enough to save our family, save my marriage.
I don't want him back. I really don't. I had such a strong week. So many reminders that this is a better path. So many confirmations that my future is so much brighter than my present, IF I persevere in truth and faith. But it is hard not to regret the loss of that eternal family I imagined. I know those blessings are still there. I know we will be okay, but it hurts so much. Every day. Especially today.
I am still struggling. I wish I wasn't, but I am. I am still married. I wish I wasn't, but I am.
My therapist reminded me last week (since we've addressed this before) that I let myself hurt emotionally because a part of me thinks I deserve it. A big part. Most of me. I want so badly to believe that I am a terrible person who doesn't deserve happiness, doesn't deserve to be loved. It is very very difficult to overcome these feelings of self doubt. Some days are good. Today is not.
I believe I actually torture myself with thoughts of how "things could be different" how things "should" be different. Literal torture. It is physically painful the hurt I cause for myself. And deep down I know it will never show him how sorry I am. It will never be enough to save our family, save my marriage.
I don't want him back. I really don't. I had such a strong week. So many reminders that this is a better path. So many confirmations that my future is so much brighter than my present, IF I persevere in truth and faith. But it is hard not to regret the loss of that eternal family I imagined. I know those blessings are still there. I know we will be okay, but it hurts so much. Every day. Especially today.
I am still struggling. I wish I wasn't, but I am. I am still married. I wish I wasn't, but I am.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Today
I posted the entire interaction because I want to make very clear how imperfect I am. I know that I am angry. I recognize that I poke and prod at every opportunity. I hope that urge will lessen as more time passes. Once we are divorced. Partly, I'm just tired of still caring... Caring about him, his rejection, his choices, his future, what he's doing... So I have to remind myself that he doesn't care about me. Mission accomplished. And, fortunately, I couldn't be more disgusted (or satisfied) with the person he has proven himself to be.
I am sorry if those emails are hard to read. They are hard for me to read, and to share, but they are true. They are the whole story, unabridged.
I am sorry if those emails are hard to read. They are hard for me to read, and to share, but they are true. They are the whole story, unabridged.
A Particularly Angry Day
11:28am *************
Dear Rick, I am still attempting to get the Findings and Order from April filed with DCSS so that they can enforce the support that has been ordered. My attorney contacted Bret Wishart's office last week and he is unable to respond until after the holiday weekend. You are, of course, welcome to contribute to our children's support at any time. Obviously, you've learned that it is much easier and there are no consequences (or at least delayed consequences) to doing nothing. Dad of the Year. Thank you, Amber
1:31pm *************
I called the dcss and they said to pay them not you. The only court order that was made in April was only for time share of children not support. So ill pay them. Rick
2:05pm *************
Dear Rick, We both know support was ordered in April. DCSS just can't enforce it yet. You've already admitted that you currently owe over $10,000. Since you CAN'T pay it to them, you should be paying me directly in order to take care of your financial responsibility. Convenient excuses and loopholes will only delay the inevitable. In the meantime, you're NOT EVEN TRYING to contribute to the support of our children. Your new family, however, is doing just fine. Having visits with your kids makes you one up on your own Father, it doesn't make you a decent Dad. Guess Norah will get 100% while Hattie, Jason, Derek, Breanna, Jane and Parker will settle for splitting 30%. Oh wait, Parker has been settling for 0%. Thank you, Amber
1:56pm *************
The children have everything they need. It's you who wants the $ talk to dcss and figureit out. If you asked the kids where they want to live they want to be here. Here is there home with all there things. Not at grandma's house and a storage unit. If you would have sold all that stuff and saved the cost of the unit you could move out. How's working for MK your step dad and selling your food stamps. Food and help from the church I'm sure your bf likes all the stuff you get him. In all the years of working I barely spent $600 on gas. I'm not saying this to be mean I'm just saying this is what you created. I have no problem communicating with you as long as you leave out your negative comments or opinions. They don't help us or the children. I don't need therapy or a class to be polite or work together about the kids. So please leave out you putdowns or negative judgements they don't help the kids. One last thing I don't get into your business when the kids are with you but letting your boyfriend take our daughter to the movies is "inappropriate" you should know considering your history. Be more wise and protect your children better. Thanks, Rick
2:24pm *************
The children have what my parents provide. If they want to live there, go ahead and try for custody. I'm sure your decision to move 60 miles away and not pay support will help tons. Their "child support" is paying for what they have there. You have no idea what happens here, so don't bother with YOUR judgements. The kids do not want to live with you and your pretend wife. This is now what you've created. All of it. I tried to make it right. I did and am still doing everything I can. Ignoring church leaders because you "know better" certainly proves that you are in the right! Go, Follow the Spirit to the temple with her. I know what I've done and am doing right and wrong. You've destroyed this family that ABSOLUTELY COULD HAVE BEEN REPAIRED. At least it could have gone differently. But YOU DID EXACTLY WHAT I DID AND TOOK IT EVEN FURTHER!! The kids call Brian my boyfriend because it helps them make sense of your relationship with Carolyn. Simple as that. Anything else is none of your business (to use your favorite phrase.) As long as you insist on being an asshole, things will stay the same. You do need therapy. Alone and with me. For the sake of the kids... Ask Bret why we aren't divorced yet. I signed your "Settlement" a month ago. Tick-tock, still waiting. Doesn't he know you have to make your relationship "okay in the eyes of God"... by getting a quickie marriage? (WOW. Doesn't that sound familiar?) Thank you, Amber
3:02pm *************
Dcss can't enforce payment until they recieve the court order. To be turned in by you since you haven't turned it in to them I tried and found out I could have sent them the money and should send it to them so from now on they will get the $ as for my new family they pay their way Norah's mother and grandparents help out any way th ey can and that is none of your business what goes on in this house does not concern you I figured out how to live off of what is left over after I send to dcss quit begging for money I refuse to pay you anything. Dcss will take care of it. I will not discuss this any more.
3:44pm *************
Dear Rick, I love how you change the subject whenever your lies no longer make sense. You're a deadbeat. Your kids will always adore you, and seek your approval, since you've replaced them already. But as adults they will see you for what you are. Every choice you've made is in your interest and hurts them. Have a nice life. Enjoy your "eternity". Thank you, Amber
Dear Rick, I am still attempting to get the Findings and Order from April filed with DCSS so that they can enforce the support that has been ordered. My attorney contacted Bret Wishart's office last week and he is unable to respond until after the holiday weekend. You are, of course, welcome to contribute to our children's support at any time. Obviously, you've learned that it is much easier and there are no consequences (or at least delayed consequences) to doing nothing. Dad of the Year. Thank you, Amber
1:31pm *************
I called the dcss and they said to pay them not you. The only court order that was made in April was only for time share of children not support. So ill pay them. Rick
2:05pm *************
Dear Rick, We both know support was ordered in April. DCSS just can't enforce it yet. You've already admitted that you currently owe over $10,000. Since you CAN'T pay it to them, you should be paying me directly in order to take care of your financial responsibility. Convenient excuses and loopholes will only delay the inevitable. In the meantime, you're NOT EVEN TRYING to contribute to the support of our children. Your new family, however, is doing just fine. Having visits with your kids makes you one up on your own Father, it doesn't make you a decent Dad. Guess Norah will get 100% while Hattie, Jason, Derek, Breanna, Jane and Parker will settle for splitting 30%. Oh wait, Parker has been settling for 0%. Thank you, Amber
1:56pm *************
The children have everything they need. It's you who wants the $ talk to dcss and figureit out. If you asked the kids where they want to live they want to be here. Here is there home with all there things. Not at grandma's house and a storage unit. If you would have sold all that stuff and saved the cost of the unit you could move out. How's working for MK your step dad and selling your food stamps. Food and help from the church I'm sure your bf likes all the stuff you get him. In all the years of working I barely spent $600 on gas. I'm not saying this to be mean I'm just saying this is what you created. I have no problem communicating with you as long as you leave out your negative comments or opinions. They don't help us or the children. I don't need therapy or a class to be polite or work together about the kids. So please leave out you putdowns or negative judgements they don't help the kids. One last thing I don't get into your business when the kids are with you but letting your boyfriend take our daughter to the movies is "inappropriate" you should know considering your history. Be more wise and protect your children better. Thanks, Rick
2:24pm *************
The children have what my parents provide. If they want to live there, go ahead and try for custody. I'm sure your decision to move 60 miles away and not pay support will help tons. Their "child support" is paying for what they have there. You have no idea what happens here, so don't bother with YOUR judgements. The kids do not want to live with you and your pretend wife. This is now what you've created. All of it. I tried to make it right. I did and am still doing everything I can. Ignoring church leaders because you "know better" certainly proves that you are in the right! Go, Follow the Spirit to the temple with her. I know what I've done and am doing right and wrong. You've destroyed this family that ABSOLUTELY COULD HAVE BEEN REPAIRED. At least it could have gone differently. But YOU DID EXACTLY WHAT I DID AND TOOK IT EVEN FURTHER!! The kids call Brian my boyfriend because it helps them make sense of your relationship with Carolyn. Simple as that. Anything else is none of your business (to use your favorite phrase.) As long as you insist on being an asshole, things will stay the same. You do need therapy. Alone and with me. For the sake of the kids... Ask Bret why we aren't divorced yet. I signed your "Settlement" a month ago. Tick-tock, still waiting. Doesn't he know you have to make your relationship "okay in the eyes of God"... by getting a quickie marriage? (WOW. Doesn't that sound familiar?) Thank you, Amber
3:02pm *************
Dcss can't enforce payment until they recieve the court order. To be turned in by you since you haven't turned it in to them I tried and found out I could have sent them the money and should send it to them so from now on they will get the $ as for my new family they pay their way Norah's mother and grandparents help out any way th ey can and that is none of your business what goes on in this house does not concern you I figured out how to live off of what is left over after I send to dcss quit begging for money I refuse to pay you anything. Dcss will take care of it. I will not discuss this any more.
3:44pm *************
Dear Rick, I love how you change the subject whenever your lies no longer make sense. You're a deadbeat. Your kids will always adore you, and seek your approval, since you've replaced them already. But as adults they will see you for what you are. Every choice you've made is in your interest and hurts them. Have a nice life. Enjoy your "eternity". Thank you, Amber
Monday, August 29, 2011
Learn something new every day - the surgery.
On Friday, August 26, I got my tubes tied. This procedure had been a long time coming, as I had wanted to get it done after Jane was born. However, Rick had gotten his vasectomy done during that pregnancy and was adamantly against me getting fixed. He SAID at the time that he didn't see the point in me getting it done if he had gone through all of that. I said that neither of us really need any more children. He said he would be ANGRY if I got it done. So I didn't do it. I knew at the time, and he later admitted to me, that he didn't want me to get my tubes tied because he wanted to "catch" me cheating on him. Funny part is, he didn't CATCH ME, and then HE got me pregnant for a sixth time. The best laid plans, I guess...
Anyway, back to Friday, it was a surreal experience. Initially, when I was referred to this "Family Planning" Medical Center, I felt strongly that it was a "Planned Parenthood" type clinic - namely, abortions. I wondered if I would encounter protesters as I entered. Upon my first visit, the office was very quiet. No protesters, and I was actually the only patient they saw the entire time I was there. Wow. Weird. They said they were scheduling procedures for the next Friday. Otherwise, I would have to wait until the end of September. Hurry, hurry, hurry. Totally worth the rush to make this happen in a week! Start scheduling babysitters, etc. Get a ride to the office. Done. I was ready.
When I showed up on surgery day, there was a little old man protesting at the entrance to the parking lot. He had a large sign and flyers and yelled "I hope you aren't getting an abortion!" as I drove past. I was both fascinated and amused. My amusement lasted a short while, but not long after that.
The office was packed with a lot of quiet, serious faces. When they called me back to get my blood taken, I saw a group of women in "Pre-Op" who were very somber. I'm pretty sure I seemed quite obnoxious with my chatting and joking, but it was extremely awkward. Even the blood-drawer-guy wasn't having it. :-P
My friend Brian had dropped off a little stuffed pair of puppies to be supportive (and super sweet) and the nurses were all very excited and impressed. Although they were quick to point out that they couldn't confirm that I was actually a patient there. Later, he told me how uncomfortable it had been bringing a gift into the abortion clinic. Strange, to say the least, but a ray of happiness in a bleak environment. I don't think they see a lot of joy in that office. I overheard a conversation between nurses about a mother calling regarding her daughter who was coming in for her 3rd abortion in 8 months. Shocking and Devastating. As a "pro-lifer" (with 6 children!) I was obviously out of my element.
I think they scheduled all the tubal procedures around the same time, as the women I waited with were all there to have their tubes tied. And we waited together for a long time. My appointment was at 9:30am, and I finally went in with the doctor at 1:00pm. Apparently, they expect a certain number of "no-shows" when they are scheduling. Today, they had only one... As we waited, we ended up talking a bit about our decision to stop having children. No one ever questions me after I tell them I have 6 kids. No one. One woman had 2 (ages 3 and 1) and the other had 3 (ages 6, 3, and 1). I didn't question their decision either. I will always say that two is plenty.
So, 1pm, meet with the doc, get up in the table, in with the IV, in with the drugs, and I'm passed out. Next I remember, I am waking up (mentally, but not really physically) and I hear what sounds like the voice of my friend who drove me, Pat. So, in a drug induced stupor, I start rambling on and on about how great it is that she is there for me and how important it is and how grateful I am. I opened up my eyes and realize that the woman talking to me is not Pat, and is, instead a very wrinkly little old lady. These words nearly escaped my rambling mouth before I caught myself. "I really want to say something," I heard myself saying, "but it's really rude, so I'm going to stop myself." Yes, I was a barrel of laughs in that recovery room. My throat hurt, I needed to blow my nose. They told me it was because I had thrown up. YUCK. Are you serious??? "I'm so sorry." "It happens." They were all very kind. I was still rambling on and on. How I was way more beat up than I thought I'd be. I saw the two women who had gone before me. "I am slaughtered," I said. But I was losing steam...
As I moved along the (obvious) assembly line in the recovery room, and as I became more and more aware of my surroundings, I began to make some observations. The women who had gone before me all left before me, and I noticed that the women who had gone after me were also leaving before me. I realized that I was the last of my "group" and therefore I was probably the last "tubal" followed by a series of abortions. The abortions seemed to have a quicker recovery (sad.) My gurney was set in a different row than the rest of the beds, so I couldn't see anyone, but I could overhear their conversations. I think everyone was a bit doped up so they were talking freely about the decision they had made. One woman explained that she was 35 and her "baby" was 12. She had a 12 and 16 year old already; it wouldn't be right for her to start over now. Another mentioned that she and her boyfriend would like to have a child in another year, when they were "out on [their] own." I will be honest and say that my heart broke for the children they had let go. I felt that God had blessed them with these babies, these little souls, and they had missed their chance. I admit that I have WAY TOO MANY CHILDREN, but neither of those situations would have been enough for me to give up any of my pregnancies. Even Parker. Especially Parker.
I finally made it into Post-Op, or "dress out" and overheard more conversations as I changed into my clothes. A woman mentioned that "this time" she was 6 1/2 weeks, before it had been 8, and before that was 8 1/2. Oh my goodness, I came face-to-face with the woman (girl, really) who was on her 3rd abortion in 8 months. I bit my tongue. I mentioned only that I was there for a tubal,that I had 6 children. The 35 yo mother of 2 asked "So, you weren't pregnant?" "No, I wasn't, I just got my tubes tied." The 3-time patient asked me if it was harder. "Harder than what? Having a baby? No!" I kind of scoffed at her. "I have never had an abortion, so I wouldn't know how to compare this to that." I was definitely the odd man out in this room. I chose my words as carefully as I could, but really, I tried not to speak.
My incision in my belly button was still bleeding a bit, so I went back into the recovery room to "re-dress" the wound. In the 4 recovery beds, I saw 3 women who were sitting up crying uncontrollably. Devastated, Alone. My heart ached.
"I really commend you," I told those nurses, every chance I got, "I don't know how you do it."
One of the nurses, (the one with the really old face) told me I was a great patient, that I was so pleasant, that it was a pleasure to have someone like me come through there. I'm sure they see a lot of sadness and feel a lot of hopelessness. My ability to smile and have hope got them through this day. That felt good.
I learned so much through this experience. About myself. About the individuality of others. Even about our Heavenly Father's love for us. My faith was strengthened further. Another experience to draw upon. God is great. I am so blessed.
And NO MORE KIDS FOR ME! YAY!
Anyway, back to Friday, it was a surreal experience. Initially, when I was referred to this "Family Planning" Medical Center, I felt strongly that it was a "Planned Parenthood" type clinic - namely, abortions. I wondered if I would encounter protesters as I entered. Upon my first visit, the office was very quiet. No protesters, and I was actually the only patient they saw the entire time I was there. Wow. Weird. They said they were scheduling procedures for the next Friday. Otherwise, I would have to wait until the end of September. Hurry, hurry, hurry. Totally worth the rush to make this happen in a week! Start scheduling babysitters, etc. Get a ride to the office. Done. I was ready.
When I showed up on surgery day, there was a little old man protesting at the entrance to the parking lot. He had a large sign and flyers and yelled "I hope you aren't getting an abortion!" as I drove past. I was both fascinated and amused. My amusement lasted a short while, but not long after that.
The office was packed with a lot of quiet, serious faces. When they called me back to get my blood taken, I saw a group of women in "Pre-Op" who were very somber. I'm pretty sure I seemed quite obnoxious with my chatting and joking, but it was extremely awkward. Even the blood-drawer-guy wasn't having it. :-P
My friend Brian had dropped off a little stuffed pair of puppies to be supportive (and super sweet) and the nurses were all very excited and impressed. Although they were quick to point out that they couldn't confirm that I was actually a patient there. Later, he told me how uncomfortable it had been bringing a gift into the abortion clinic. Strange, to say the least, but a ray of happiness in a bleak environment. I don't think they see a lot of joy in that office. I overheard a conversation between nurses about a mother calling regarding her daughter who was coming in for her 3rd abortion in 8 months. Shocking and Devastating. As a "pro-lifer" (with 6 children!) I was obviously out of my element.
I think they scheduled all the tubal procedures around the same time, as the women I waited with were all there to have their tubes tied. And we waited together for a long time. My appointment was at 9:30am, and I finally went in with the doctor at 1:00pm. Apparently, they expect a certain number of "no-shows" when they are scheduling. Today, they had only one... As we waited, we ended up talking a bit about our decision to stop having children. No one ever questions me after I tell them I have 6 kids. No one. One woman had 2 (ages 3 and 1) and the other had 3 (ages 6, 3, and 1). I didn't question their decision either. I will always say that two is plenty.
So, 1pm, meet with the doc, get up in the table, in with the IV, in with the drugs, and I'm passed out. Next I remember, I am waking up (mentally, but not really physically) and I hear what sounds like the voice of my friend who drove me, Pat. So, in a drug induced stupor, I start rambling on and on about how great it is that she is there for me and how important it is and how grateful I am. I opened up my eyes and realize that the woman talking to me is not Pat, and is, instead a very wrinkly little old lady. These words nearly escaped my rambling mouth before I caught myself. "I really want to say something," I heard myself saying, "but it's really rude, so I'm going to stop myself." Yes, I was a barrel of laughs in that recovery room. My throat hurt, I needed to blow my nose. They told me it was because I had thrown up. YUCK. Are you serious??? "I'm so sorry." "It happens." They were all very kind. I was still rambling on and on. How I was way more beat up than I thought I'd be. I saw the two women who had gone before me. "I am slaughtered," I said. But I was losing steam...
As I moved along the (obvious) assembly line in the recovery room, and as I became more and more aware of my surroundings, I began to make some observations. The women who had gone before me all left before me, and I noticed that the women who had gone after me were also leaving before me. I realized that I was the last of my "group" and therefore I was probably the last "tubal" followed by a series of abortions. The abortions seemed to have a quicker recovery (sad.) My gurney was set in a different row than the rest of the beds, so I couldn't see anyone, but I could overhear their conversations. I think everyone was a bit doped up so they were talking freely about the decision they had made. One woman explained that she was 35 and her "baby" was 12. She had a 12 and 16 year old already; it wouldn't be right for her to start over now. Another mentioned that she and her boyfriend would like to have a child in another year, when they were "out on [their] own." I will be honest and say that my heart broke for the children they had let go. I felt that God had blessed them with these babies, these little souls, and they had missed their chance. I admit that I have WAY TOO MANY CHILDREN, but neither of those situations would have been enough for me to give up any of my pregnancies. Even Parker. Especially Parker.
I finally made it into Post-Op, or "dress out" and overheard more conversations as I changed into my clothes. A woman mentioned that "this time" she was 6 1/2 weeks, before it had been 8, and before that was 8 1/2. Oh my goodness, I came face-to-face with the woman (girl, really) who was on her 3rd abortion in 8 months. I bit my tongue. I mentioned only that I was there for a tubal,that I had 6 children. The 35 yo mother of 2 asked "So, you weren't pregnant?" "No, I wasn't, I just got my tubes tied." The 3-time patient asked me if it was harder. "Harder than what? Having a baby? No!" I kind of scoffed at her. "I have never had an abortion, so I wouldn't know how to compare this to that." I was definitely the odd man out in this room. I chose my words as carefully as I could, but really, I tried not to speak.
My incision in my belly button was still bleeding a bit, so I went back into the recovery room to "re-dress" the wound. In the 4 recovery beds, I saw 3 women who were sitting up crying uncontrollably. Devastated, Alone. My heart ached.
"I really commend you," I told those nurses, every chance I got, "I don't know how you do it."
One of the nurses, (the one with the really old face) told me I was a great patient, that I was so pleasant, that it was a pleasure to have someone like me come through there. I'm sure they see a lot of sadness and feel a lot of hopelessness. My ability to smile and have hope got them through this day. That felt good.
I learned so much through this experience. About myself. About the individuality of others. Even about our Heavenly Father's love for us. My faith was strengthened further. Another experience to draw upon. God is great. I am so blessed.
And NO MORE KIDS FOR ME! YAY!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Sunday, Sunday!
My favorite day! And we haven't even gone to church yet. So excited to spend the day with my crazy kiddos. I TOTALLY have my hands full. Haha.
Hattie and Jason are playing Monopoly.
Derek Breanna and Jane are watching TV.
Parker is napping.
One hour until we leave for church. Wish me luck. I need a nap.
Three kids in my bed last night (Parker, Jane, and Jason)...
Time to go be mommy again. Ugh. I mean, Yaaaaaay!
Hattie and Jason are playing Monopoly.
Derek Breanna and Jane are watching TV.
Parker is napping.
One hour until we leave for church. Wish me luck. I need a nap.
Three kids in my bed last night (Parker, Jane, and Jason)...
Time to go be mommy again. Ugh. I mean, Yaaaaaay!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Greatest Party Ever!
When I was 16, I had a pool party for my birthday. It was awesome~ Seriously, I think that my high school friends still remember it (shout out if you were there!!)
I think the party we just had for Hattie's 10th birthday might have topped it. Oh my gosh. So much fun. And so tiring!
My parents rented a huge inflatable water slide with a pool at the bottom.
Enough said.
Oh, and my Stepdad bar-b-qued tri-tip. Yes, I said tri-tip. For ten-year olds. Plus corn on the cob, salad, flakey biscuits. YUM!
The party lasted from Noon til Six (perfect timing if I do say so myself!) It started with water fun. Then a break for fruit and veggies. More sliding (and slipping) and then food around 2. Back in the water til 3:30 or 4 when we opened presents and ate cake & ice cream. Yes. Finally, swimming sliding and splashing until the last child left.
Got my 5 (not counting Paco) bathed. Almost all in bed now. All in all, an exceptional day. I'm sure it is one that all of the children (at least the older 4) will NOT soon forget. Thanks, Grandma and Papa!
The day started hectic and busy. I almost didn't have time to think about the fact that this was my first "at home" birthday party without a husband/dad to help out. As I was moving the (very heavy) table from the garage to the backyard, I felt like I was missing something. Aww, sad. Funny thing is, that is the only point I missed having the "help." The rest of the party was just as any party would have gone with me watching children, caring for children, feeding children, coordinating activities, etc. I certainly did not miss Rick. It was a GREAT FEELING.
I do believe that if I marry again, it will be someone who enhances me and enhances my life and loves my children. He will be my partner. We will be a team. I'm excited to explore the possibility.
I think the party we just had for Hattie's 10th birthday might have topped it. Oh my gosh. So much fun. And so tiring!
My parents rented a huge inflatable water slide with a pool at the bottom.
Enough said.
Oh, and my Stepdad bar-b-qued tri-tip. Yes, I said tri-tip. For ten-year olds. Plus corn on the cob, salad, flakey biscuits. YUM!
The party lasted from Noon til Six (perfect timing if I do say so myself!) It started with water fun. Then a break for fruit and veggies. More sliding (and slipping) and then food around 2. Back in the water til 3:30 or 4 when we opened presents and ate cake & ice cream. Yes. Finally, swimming sliding and splashing until the last child left.
Got my 5 (not counting Paco) bathed. Almost all in bed now. All in all, an exceptional day. I'm sure it is one that all of the children (at least the older 4) will NOT soon forget. Thanks, Grandma and Papa!
The day started hectic and busy. I almost didn't have time to think about the fact that this was my first "at home" birthday party without a husband/dad to help out. As I was moving the (very heavy) table from the garage to the backyard, I felt like I was missing something. Aww, sad. Funny thing is, that is the only point I missed having the "help." The rest of the party was just as any party would have gone with me watching children, caring for children, feeding children, coordinating activities, etc. I certainly did not miss Rick. It was a GREAT FEELING.
I do believe that if I marry again, it will be someone who enhances me and enhances my life and loves my children. He will be my partner. We will be a team. I'm excited to explore the possibility.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The Babies
I just got off the phone with my babies. They aren't really babies any more, but for some reason that is what I always want to call them. I talked to the younger 4 earlier. How fun it is to hear their voices as listen to their conversation skills develop. Jason is kind of an abrupt kid, not much for dragging out the conversation. He is brief, to the point, and always ready to pass the phone on to the next kid. Derek is a little more friendly, unless he is distracted. If I can keep his attention, I can get him talking pretty good. Although he does like correcting me when I get something wrong. Breanna is great at socializing. She could talk and talk and then when she's done I always know because she says "I love you Mommy" :-) Tonight she said "I love you like a Bunny!" so I said "I love you like a Banana!" How satisfying. It's hard to tell when Jane is on the phone because her voice is actually very similar to Breanna's, except her words are COMPLETELY INDECIFERABLE. It is hilarious and was totally cracking me up. Hard to have a conversation with gibberish, but fun nonetheless...
Hattie had to call me back a little later because she was at "Achievement Days" (a twice-monthly church activity for the 8-11 year old girls) with Carolyn. That was a little painful. Good news is that the kids went to church this past weekend and Hattie participated in Achievement Days tonight. It's very nice since she is missing all of August at our ward because of her time with Dad.
Hattie's birthday is Saturday and I am frantically planning her party. I got to talk to her about it tonight. Made me smile. A lot.
I'm so glad I am going to therapy tomorrow. Time to open some long scabbed-over wounds so that I can heal them correctly. Things that have nothing to do with Rick! Wish me luck!
Hattie had to call me back a little later because she was at "Achievement Days" (a twice-monthly church activity for the 8-11 year old girls) with Carolyn. That was a little painful. Good news is that the kids went to church this past weekend and Hattie participated in Achievement Days tonight. It's very nice since she is missing all of August at our ward because of her time with Dad.
Hattie's birthday is Saturday and I am frantically planning her party. I got to talk to her about it tonight. Made me smile. A lot.
I'm so glad I am going to therapy tomorrow. Time to open some long scabbed-over wounds so that I can heal them correctly. Things that have nothing to do with Rick! Wish me luck!
Monday, August 15, 2011
totally devastated. again.
I have to be the most emotional person I know. Not sure if it's the OTR or everything else, but I am going nuts over here. Although, I did make the mistake of reading through some old texts again. Boy do I suck. What an idiot!
In a lot of those early texts, Rick had some valid points that I just ignored. It wasn't how I truly felt, but I never addressed his feelings and his fears. I just didn't know how. The truth is that he probably would not have heard my concern or responses anyway, but my heart still aches wondering what I could have done differently early on to convince my husband to give our family another chance.
I see it's impossible now. He is gone. And awful. Literally blaming me for everything. For leaving, for not coming back, for living with her, for divorcing me, for not being divorced yet, for not paying child support (and literally spending that money on other things!) at all since February.
I am so hurt. I am so angry. Hurt and angry, hurt and angry. I have said those words to him so many times over the last few months in particular. I just want to do what is best for our children. Really, truly. I feel so powerless.
Crying is cathartic, but it always feels like stepping backward toward no solutions.
In a lot of those early texts, Rick had some valid points that I just ignored. It wasn't how I truly felt, but I never addressed his feelings and his fears. I just didn't know how. The truth is that he probably would not have heard my concern or responses anyway, but my heart still aches wondering what I could have done differently early on to convince my husband to give our family another chance.
I see it's impossible now. He is gone. And awful. Literally blaming me for everything. For leaving, for not coming back, for living with her, for divorcing me, for not being divorced yet, for not paying child support (and literally spending that money on other things!) at all since February.
I am so hurt. I am so angry. Hurt and angry, hurt and angry. I have said those words to him so many times over the last few months in particular. I just want to do what is best for our children. Really, truly. I feel so powerless.
Crying is cathartic, but it always feels like stepping backward toward no solutions.
Monday, August 8, 2011
SMS
I have all of my texts between Rick and I backed up on email.
I need to stop reading them. It's upsetting and depressing and pathetic. It's also obvious that I've been desperately working my ass off trying to convince an asshole to NOT give up on his family. Futilely, might I add.
So, I think I'll wait at least 6 months before I read any more. Because I just keep saying "See, Look! I was TRYING!!!" and I think we all know that...
I need to stop reading them. It's upsetting and depressing and pathetic. It's also obvious that I've been desperately working my ass off trying to convince an asshole to NOT give up on his family. Futilely, might I add.
So, I think I'll wait at least 6 months before I read any more. Because I just keep saying "See, Look! I was TRYING!!!" and I think we all know that...
Enough
If I am measuring my worth through another's eyes, I will never ever be enough. No matter what I do, there is always a way it could have been done better. No matter how much I accomplish, there is always more that can be done. My house will never be clean enough. My children will never be well-behaved enough. I will always be too emotional, too stoic, too strong, too weak, too passive, too aggressive if I am allowing my worth to be measured by what others think.
Fortunately, my worth is not dependent on what any person on this earth thinks of me. My worth is measured in my Savior's eyes, my worth comes from my Heavenly Father.
I will never be perfect. I have said this phrase many times to many people, particularly to my husband. I will never be perfect, but I am finally trying to better myself, better my family. I recognize my mistakes (even now, even the smaller ones, as I continue to make mistakes) and strive to overcome the flaws that have led me to transgression.
Isaiah 44:22
I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions, and, as a cloud, thy sins: return unto me; for I have redeemed thee.
Repentance envelopes much more than a single act or a solitary bad choice. Repentance is about a true change of heart. It CHANGES a person's HEART. It makes anything possible. Anything is possible through the Savior, through our Lord.
Fortunately, my worth is not dependent on what any person on this earth thinks of me. My worth is measured in my Savior's eyes, my worth comes from my Heavenly Father.
I will never be perfect. I have said this phrase many times to many people, particularly to my husband. I will never be perfect, but I am finally trying to better myself, better my family. I recognize my mistakes (even now, even the smaller ones, as I continue to make mistakes) and strive to overcome the flaws that have led me to transgression.
Isaiah 44:22
I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions, and, as a cloud, thy sins: return unto me; for I have redeemed thee.
Repentance envelopes much more than a single act or a solitary bad choice. Repentance is about a true change of heart. It CHANGES a person's HEART. It makes anything possible. Anything is possible through the Savior, through our Lord.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Victor Frankl quote
A dear family friend (he and his wife became friends with Rick and I when I was pregnant with Hattie - they were newlyweds!) offered me the following quote from a book he had recently read. I was going through old messages and found this one dated June 30, 2011. We hadn't even moved out of the Menifee house yet.
"The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails. The way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity - even under the most difficult circumstances - to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him and this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not."
To provide context he was talking about the way Jews in Dachau faced their situations (He spent several years in Aushwitz and Dachau).
What a beautiful quote. It was relevant then, but even more-so now.
"The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails. The way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity - even under the most difficult circumstances - to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him and this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not."
To provide context he was talking about the way Jews in Dachau faced their situations (He spent several years in Aushwitz and Dachau).
What a beautiful quote. It was relevant then, but even more-so now.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Last letter 7/18/11, 11am
It makes me so sad, dealing with you. I honestly do not know what I am supposed to be doing differently. I am giving you this divorce. I gave you the visitation you asked for. I give and give, but still it isn't enough. It will never be enough. When I try to be nice and cooperate with all of your "requests" you walk all over me and still accuse me of selfishness and manipulations. When I try to just stick to the agreement we've set down, I am also being selfish and manipulative. It doesn't matter how I attempt to deal with you, I am wrong.
You can blame me for the rest of our lives, but the truth is that I would STILL do anything to keep our family together. If you wanted to talk, I would listen. If you wanted to listen, I would tell you everything. If you wanted to try, I would do everything in my power to show you how much I believe in eternity. If you wanted to believe, we could do it.
I honestly do not understand how you can so persistently misinterpret my intentions. My only priority is our children, our family. Why would I be trying so hard if I was really all about ME? Why would I STILL want to convince you (after you've been SO CLEAR about your lack of desire) to TRY? What is in it for me??? It's not about me, Rick. And its not about you either.
I understand you are sick. My faith tells me you would be healed if you were keeping the commandments of God and living obediently and righteously. That doesn't mean being with me, just living right. I know you think I judge you, but I don't. I can admit I am angry, but I also know I still have love for you and wish you nothing but happiness. I sincerely wish you were happy.
I would be more than happy to address the truth with you. The truth about our (too quick) marriage, our (emotionally lacking) relationship, my (desperate, selfish, repeated) infidelity, and the hope I will always see for the future. Together or apart. You constantly deny your hurt and anger toward me, but your words and actions betray that denial. The hateful angry language I heard on Friday was not a man living in peace and truth of a confident testimony. I would be happy to bear mine to you, but I'm sure you will only hear the negativity you want to hear.
I don't know how to be any more sorry for what I've done and what we became. I have literally done and said everything I could possibly do or say to try to convince you. You would have to decide for yourself, and you will not. I have never prevented you from coming back. Somehow, I have not convinced you of my sincerity or the permanence of my change, but I have NEVER prevented reconciliation. I've asked you to try ever since we separated. I've been driven to fight for our family since September.
I would love if you could stop lying. You say you can't trust me with the truth. That doesn't make sense. The truth is what sets us free. I'm not sure how I could twist it - it is what it is. I have been very clear about the truth I have experienced.
You've decided you are finished with our marriage. You've decided to move on. Please own those decisions as YOURS and yours alone. My decisions would have been much different. Blame me in your mind and heart, but it just isn't true. I am still willing to work through this. I don't know how you interpret that statement maliciously, but it seems pretty clearly selfless to me. I can see only our eternal destiny. The destiny you continue to deny, and I am forced to tread a new path. I made mistakes, got confused and distracted, was WRONG (SO, SO WRONG) but I wasn't willing to give up on eternity. Not ever. I'm still not, even as I agree to divorce you.
I see you are afraid to trust me. I see you are still hurt and angry. I see how much I damaged you. It breaks my heart. I am not the woman you have described. I am not the wretch you see. I am human with flaws and weakness. I am doing my best to overcome. I understand so much more now. I am trying to honor my Heavenly Father by using my talents to build others up rather than to get what I want. I am not perfect. Our story is not black and white. When I tell people, I ALWAYS include the facts of my infidelity. Always. Those facts don't make me 100% to blame, though. We both played a role. We both continue to play a role. I believe the only way for us to overcome what we've created is with God and with professional therapeutic guidance.
Now I am just repeating myself. I guess I'm just waiting for a rational reason from you. You're focusing on the past when I know I am not capable of those things any more. I could show you if you'd let me.
Sorry to bother you. Good luck at the doctor's. Please tell the children I love and miss them. Oh so much!
As always,
Amber
You can blame me for the rest of our lives, but the truth is that I would STILL do anything to keep our family together. If you wanted to talk, I would listen. If you wanted to listen, I would tell you everything. If you wanted to try, I would do everything in my power to show you how much I believe in eternity. If you wanted to believe, we could do it.
I honestly do not understand how you can so persistently misinterpret my intentions. My only priority is our children, our family. Why would I be trying so hard if I was really all about ME? Why would I STILL want to convince you (after you've been SO CLEAR about your lack of desire) to TRY? What is in it for me??? It's not about me, Rick. And its not about you either.
I understand you are sick. My faith tells me you would be healed if you were keeping the commandments of God and living obediently and righteously. That doesn't mean being with me, just living right. I know you think I judge you, but I don't. I can admit I am angry, but I also know I still have love for you and wish you nothing but happiness. I sincerely wish you were happy.
I would be more than happy to address the truth with you. The truth about our (too quick) marriage, our (emotionally lacking) relationship, my (desperate, selfish, repeated) infidelity, and the hope I will always see for the future. Together or apart. You constantly deny your hurt and anger toward me, but your words and actions betray that denial. The hateful angry language I heard on Friday was not a man living in peace and truth of a confident testimony. I would be happy to bear mine to you, but I'm sure you will only hear the negativity you want to hear.
I don't know how to be any more sorry for what I've done and what we became. I have literally done and said everything I could possibly do or say to try to convince you. You would have to decide for yourself, and you will not. I have never prevented you from coming back. Somehow, I have not convinced you of my sincerity or the permanence of my change, but I have NEVER prevented reconciliation. I've asked you to try ever since we separated. I've been driven to fight for our family since September.
I would love if you could stop lying. You say you can't trust me with the truth. That doesn't make sense. The truth is what sets us free. I'm not sure how I could twist it - it is what it is. I have been very clear about the truth I have experienced.
You've decided you are finished with our marriage. You've decided to move on. Please own those decisions as YOURS and yours alone. My decisions would have been much different. Blame me in your mind and heart, but it just isn't true. I am still willing to work through this. I don't know how you interpret that statement maliciously, but it seems pretty clearly selfless to me. I can see only our eternal destiny. The destiny you continue to deny, and I am forced to tread a new path. I made mistakes, got confused and distracted, was WRONG (SO, SO WRONG) but I wasn't willing to give up on eternity. Not ever. I'm still not, even as I agree to divorce you.
I see you are afraid to trust me. I see you are still hurt and angry. I see how much I damaged you. It breaks my heart. I am not the woman you have described. I am not the wretch you see. I am human with flaws and weakness. I am doing my best to overcome. I understand so much more now. I am trying to honor my Heavenly Father by using my talents to build others up rather than to get what I want. I am not perfect. Our story is not black and white. When I tell people, I ALWAYS include the facts of my infidelity. Always. Those facts don't make me 100% to blame, though. We both played a role. We both continue to play a role. I believe the only way for us to overcome what we've created is with God and with professional therapeutic guidance.
Now I am just repeating myself. I guess I'm just waiting for a rational reason from you. You're focusing on the past when I know I am not capable of those things any more. I could show you if you'd let me.
Sorry to bother you. Good luck at the doctor's. Please tell the children I love and miss them. Oh so much!
As always,
Amber
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
2 Mothers
I have known many mothers. Some I have looked up to. Some I have (regretably, but honestly) looked down on. Most I have learned from. I'd like to talk about a couple of them. I hope they do not mind.
When I had Hattie, I was in the Fullerton First Ward. She was my first child, and I went back to work when she was 8 weeks old. I was serving as the Primary Secretary, and the Primary Chorister was named Kristen Hudson. She was a beautiful, happy, full of life woman. She had just (in January) had her 4th child. I was so impressed with her. I remember her children; I remember her smile; I remember many things she said to me about her experience as a mother. She comforted me by telling me she had to work when her oldest child was born. She parented 4 children (one son was particularly challenging!) with grace and (what always seemed to be) ease. To this day, I draw from her strength often. I try to send her Christmas letters each year, and I look forward to the chance of getting one from their family. She is an exceptional mother who always inspired me.
I finally got to stay at home with Hattie after we sold our first house and moved in to an apartment in Anaheim. In the Anaheim 2nd Ward, I met Tracy Schultz. Coincidentally, she was also a mother of four, and I was still a mother of one (although I eventually got pregnant with Jason.) I was a Primary teacher to the 8 year old class, and her oldest daughter (and, strangely, her half-brother) was (were) in my class. All these years later, I will admit that Taylor was my absolute favorite student in the class- very studious and soooo sweet! I don't think it was any secret that I adored her! Tracy was a laid-back and realistic mom. She handled her children lovingly, and never took herself too seriously. She seemed to truly enjoy her life and her job, and she could always laugh at the most difficult of circumstances. From where I stood, she was happy and never overly critical of herself. Again, I was impressed and inspired by the example she set. We have since re-connected through Facebook, and I continue to learn from her and her family! I am grateful for the friendship she has extended to me.
It may seem silly or self-serving, but I wanted to offer tribute to these mothers who have (probably without even knowing it) helped me to be (and WANT TO BE) a better mom. I meet women often, especially at church, and I see them looking at me the same way I looked at these women. If I can inspire anyone as a mother, I am honored to do so. I love my children; I love my job.
When I had Hattie, I was in the Fullerton First Ward. She was my first child, and I went back to work when she was 8 weeks old. I was serving as the Primary Secretary, and the Primary Chorister was named Kristen Hudson. She was a beautiful, happy, full of life woman. She had just (in January) had her 4th child. I was so impressed with her. I remember her children; I remember her smile; I remember many things she said to me about her experience as a mother. She comforted me by telling me she had to work when her oldest child was born. She parented 4 children (one son was particularly challenging!) with grace and (what always seemed to be) ease. To this day, I draw from her strength often. I try to send her Christmas letters each year, and I look forward to the chance of getting one from their family. She is an exceptional mother who always inspired me.
I finally got to stay at home with Hattie after we sold our first house and moved in to an apartment in Anaheim. In the Anaheim 2nd Ward, I met Tracy Schultz. Coincidentally, she was also a mother of four, and I was still a mother of one (although I eventually got pregnant with Jason.) I was a Primary teacher to the 8 year old class, and her oldest daughter (and, strangely, her half-brother) was (were) in my class. All these years later, I will admit that Taylor was my absolute favorite student in the class- very studious and soooo sweet! I don't think it was any secret that I adored her! Tracy was a laid-back and realistic mom. She handled her children lovingly, and never took herself too seriously. She seemed to truly enjoy her life and her job, and she could always laugh at the most difficult of circumstances. From where I stood, she was happy and never overly critical of herself. Again, I was impressed and inspired by the example she set. We have since re-connected through Facebook, and I continue to learn from her and her family! I am grateful for the friendship she has extended to me.
It may seem silly or self-serving, but I wanted to offer tribute to these mothers who have (probably without even knowing it) helped me to be (and WANT TO BE) a better mom. I meet women often, especially at church, and I see them looking at me the same way I looked at these women. If I can inspire anyone as a mother, I am honored to do so. I love my children; I love my job.
Positive Affirmations
Are Self Esteem Boosters!
Here are my answers today, but I encourage everyone to fill out this form. Find your heart.
1. I like myself because... I truly care about others, and my heart is open to The Spirit.
2. I do...my duties as a mother very well.
3. I feel good about...my relationships - family, friends, and God.
4. My friends would tell you I have a great...smile.
5. My favorite place is...in bed, napping. Or maybe in front of the TV.
6. My Heavenly Father, my mom, my stepdad, my brothers, my friends... love(s) me!
7. People say I am a good...mother.
8. I have been told that I have pretty...hair.
9. I consider myself a good...friend.
10. I like the way I feel about myself when I...care for others.
11. What I really enjoy most is...going to the movie theater.
12. The person I look up to the most is...my parents (ok, persons...)
13. The one person that always makes me feel good about myself is...my brother, Matt.
14. I look good when...I am happy.
15. The color...red looks great on me.
16. I have a natural talent for...eloquent speech and writing.
17. I am most happy when...I feel successful as a mother.
18. My goals for the future are...to raise my children to be confident, selfless, loving adults.
19. One of the many positive traits I have is...honesty.
20. People often compliment me about...my openness.
21. My friends respect me because I always...tell the truth.
22. I have a good sense of...humor.
23. The two things I do best are...writing and...talking.
24. I know that I will be successful in life because I will...never give up.
GENUINELY LIKING WHO YOU ARE IS THE CORE OF YOUR SELF ESTEEM!
Here are my answers today, but I encourage everyone to fill out this form. Find your heart.
1. I like myself because... I truly care about others, and my heart is open to The Spirit.
2. I do...my duties as a mother very well.
3. I feel good about...my relationships - family, friends, and God.
4. My friends would tell you I have a great...smile.
5. My favorite place is...in bed, napping. Or maybe in front of the TV.
6. My Heavenly Father, my mom, my stepdad, my brothers, my friends... love(s) me!
7. People say I am a good...mother.
8. I have been told that I have pretty...hair.
9. I consider myself a good...friend.
10. I like the way I feel about myself when I...care for others.
11. What I really enjoy most is...going to the movie theater.
12. The person I look up to the most is...my parents (ok, persons...)
13. The one person that always makes me feel good about myself is...my brother, Matt.
14. I look good when...I am happy.
15. The color...red looks great on me.
16. I have a natural talent for...eloquent speech and writing.
17. I am most happy when...I feel successful as a mother.
18. My goals for the future are...to raise my children to be confident, selfless, loving adults.
19. One of the many positive traits I have is...honesty.
20. People often compliment me about...my openness.
21. My friends respect me because I always...tell the truth.
22. I have a good sense of...humor.
23. The two things I do best are...writing and...talking.
24. I know that I will be successful in life because I will...never give up.
GENUINELY LIKING WHO YOU ARE IS THE CORE OF YOUR SELF ESTEEM!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Alone
Tuesday. Halfway through my "week on" with the kids. I LOVE having them around - LOVE, LOVE, LOVE seeing them, hugging them, chatting with them every single day. However, this is exhausting work. Six kids is A LOT. And I reflect back to married life, reflect on how I felt, doing this job. I must admit, at least now I am not expecting any recognition, love, or appreciation. I was so desperate for that type of validation from my husband, and never was I sufficiently full. I realize now that I needed to be full from the inside. I needed to know my own value and worth as mother, wife, woman without relying on someone else to convince me. And Rick was never going to be able to convince me of something he himself did not believe. As our marriage progressed, he grew increasingly resentful of my worthlessness. I recently learned that the final two years that we were together, his resentment was being fueled by his bio-dad who never liked me anyway. Of course not - I am a strong minded woman with thoughts feelings and beliefs of my ow. I made a perfect scapegoat for escaping my marriage. Yes, I cheated on my husband. My husband had already shut himself off to me. He admitted in counseling in 2009 that he "couldn't" be emotionally open. I can't blame him for my bad choices, but my marriage was over long before I had my affair. I understand his rationalizations, I do. If I was in his position, I'd blame me too. I just don't think I would've responded in kind. Ah heck, maybe I would've, but at least I would've told the truth...
So now I am in a new place. It is natural for me to long to have a partner. Rick and I were never partners. He wasn't an independent thinker. He tried to do "the right thing," do "what he was told," but he was never my partner. We were not a team. We worked for ourselves, we sometimes worked for each other, but we didn't work together. I was aggressive-aggressive and he was passive-aggressive. Made blaming me for EVERYTHING so much easier.
So. Were my "expectations" unreasonable? Did I ask too much of my husband? Of Rick, maybe I did. Maybe he was never capable of meeting my needs, fulfilling me emotionally. Maybe he just wasn't capable, isn't capable. Is anyone? I have to believe someone is. Rick is not the only man in the world. Thank goodness. At this point, he is no prize. And this is a tough job. If I am with anyone, he will have to be my partner. We will have to be a team. I am capable of love and relationships like never before. Not just for a husband, either. More importantly, for my children, with my children. They are my whole life.
So now I am in a new place. It is natural for me to long to have a partner. Rick and I were never partners. He wasn't an independent thinker. He tried to do "the right thing," do "what he was told," but he was never my partner. We were not a team. We worked for ourselves, we sometimes worked for each other, but we didn't work together. I was aggressive-aggressive and he was passive-aggressive. Made blaming me for EVERYTHING so much easier.
So. Were my "expectations" unreasonable? Did I ask too much of my husband? Of Rick, maybe I did. Maybe he was never capable of meeting my needs, fulfilling me emotionally. Maybe he just wasn't capable, isn't capable. Is anyone? I have to believe someone is. Rick is not the only man in the world. Thank goodness. At this point, he is no prize. And this is a tough job. If I am with anyone, he will have to be my partner. We will have to be a team. I am capable of love and relationships like never before. Not just for a husband, either. More importantly, for my children, with my children. They are my whole life.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Life is a journey, happiness is a state of mind.
It is so important that we are always learning and growing. I am amazed that I have truly learned to like myself, even love myself, through this crazy roller coaster of an adventure. God is gracious and generous. He gives us what we need, even when we don't know it, if only we keep our hearts open to His Spirit.
It's been an interesting 9 days. I missed the kids dearly the first few days, but eventually I settled into a groove. Not that I necessarily missed them less, but at least I started to use my time productively (even if just for relaxation and "fun" stuff!) I still do not PREFER this visitation schedule, but I do look forward to the "off" week to see what I might be able to accomplish next.
Life is good. I am truly happy. Hopefully I will be divorced soon and this part of my life will soon be behind me.
Immense gratitude for the love and support from family and friends. Thank you for reminding me of my good qualities, even when all I can see is the bad.
<3
It's been an interesting 9 days. I missed the kids dearly the first few days, but eventually I settled into a groove. Not that I necessarily missed them less, but at least I started to use my time productively (even if just for relaxation and "fun" stuff!) I still do not PREFER this visitation schedule, but I do look forward to the "off" week to see what I might be able to accomplish next.
Life is good. I am truly happy. Hopefully I will be divorced soon and this part of my life will soon be behind me.
Immense gratitude for the love and support from family and friends. Thank you for reminding me of my good qualities, even when all I can see is the bad.
<3
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Blah
I am feeling sad today. Overwhelmed. Kids just left and I am actually ALONE (Rick has ALL SIX) for the first time. Parker comes back at 8.
And apparently I am incapable of blogging.
And apparently I am incapable of blogging.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Susie G.
My parents separated when I was a year and a half old. I have no recollection of my mother and father being together. It makes me sad to think that this is the experience that Janey and Parker will have. Although, I will be honest and say that I NEVER had thoughts, wishes, or hopes that my parents would "get back together" at any point in my life. Them apart was just the way things were.
My Dad had a long time, on and off, girlfriend over the years. Her name was Susie. We met her many times, but mostly, they were pen pals. Susie eventually moved to Wisconsin and would write my Dad letters on beautiful stationary, in beautiful calligraphy. (Interesting to note that my Stepmom is a very talented artist and calligrapher.) I can remember one time where we flew with my Dad to Wisconsin to visit Susie. I can't remember much about the trip, except for a strange interaction with some "Wisconsiners" at a nearby playground. Whatever.
I'm not sure how old I was (probably somewhere around 9 or 10) but I remember having a discussion with my Dad about shaving my legs. I have no idea what preceded the discussion, and I only remember what I took out of it. My Dad explained to me that his "friend" Susie only shaved her legs up to the knee. He told me that he really liked it, and felt her never shaving above the knee was really special because her thighs was always super soft and smooth. I always remembered those comments, and (although I had some bikini wearing days in my twenties where I shaved my thighs too) to this day, I only shave my legs to the knee. Partly, this is merely a decision of convenience, but I am grateful for the early suggestion planted in my mind by my father.
I tell this (very strange) story for a couple of reasons. First, to me, it illustrates the power that our words can have in our children's lives. I doubt my Dad would remember that conversation without some reminding. It was frivolous. However, I have carried that information with me a long way. You could say that it affected my life profoundly. We are always affecting our children with the things we say, the things we do, the expectations we have, the examples we set. I can think of another situation where my Dad was overly honest with me (not obscene, but not pleasant either) and I think that it is from him I learned to tell the truth no matter what. Even if it is going to embarrass me or hurt someone's feelings, it is more important to tell the whole truth. I think that the truth I have expressed in this blog is what has touched people's hearts and helped them to feel the Spirit. The Spirit will always testify of the Truth.
Another way I have related this story to my life is that when I told Chris (my "affair") that I didn't shave above the knee, he was shocked and amazed. If you were to feel my thigh, you would not be able to tell that there is hair there. He (Chris) made such a big deal about it. It was as though this was something special about ME. I guess, in a way, I felt like the Susie my Dad had described to me. I didn't feel that way in my marriage for many reasons - some of which were my own creation - but I didn't feel that way.
My Dad had a long time, on and off, girlfriend over the years. Her name was Susie. We met her many times, but mostly, they were pen pals. Susie eventually moved to Wisconsin and would write my Dad letters on beautiful stationary, in beautiful calligraphy. (Interesting to note that my Stepmom is a very talented artist and calligrapher.) I can remember one time where we flew with my Dad to Wisconsin to visit Susie. I can't remember much about the trip, except for a strange interaction with some "Wisconsiners" at a nearby playground. Whatever.
I'm not sure how old I was (probably somewhere around 9 or 10) but I remember having a discussion with my Dad about shaving my legs. I have no idea what preceded the discussion, and I only remember what I took out of it. My Dad explained to me that his "friend" Susie only shaved her legs up to the knee. He told me that he really liked it, and felt her never shaving above the knee was really special because her thighs was always super soft and smooth. I always remembered those comments, and (although I had some bikini wearing days in my twenties where I shaved my thighs too) to this day, I only shave my legs to the knee. Partly, this is merely a decision of convenience, but I am grateful for the early suggestion planted in my mind by my father.
I tell this (very strange) story for a couple of reasons. First, to me, it illustrates the power that our words can have in our children's lives. I doubt my Dad would remember that conversation without some reminding. It was frivolous. However, I have carried that information with me a long way. You could say that it affected my life profoundly. We are always affecting our children with the things we say, the things we do, the expectations we have, the examples we set. I can think of another situation where my Dad was overly honest with me (not obscene, but not pleasant either) and I think that it is from him I learned to tell the truth no matter what. Even if it is going to embarrass me or hurt someone's feelings, it is more important to tell the whole truth. I think that the truth I have expressed in this blog is what has touched people's hearts and helped them to feel the Spirit. The Spirit will always testify of the Truth.
Another way I have related this story to my life is that when I told Chris (my "affair") that I didn't shave above the knee, he was shocked and amazed. If you were to feel my thigh, you would not be able to tell that there is hair there. He (Chris) made such a big deal about it. It was as though this was something special about ME. I guess, in a way, I felt like the Susie my Dad had described to me. I didn't feel that way in my marriage for many reasons - some of which were my own creation - but I didn't feel that way.
Venting
I am trying to avoid talking about Rick, but I do feel a little obligation to update the blog readers on the latest news...
As of a few weeks ago, Rick is back to work. I can only speculate the reasons, but it is what it is. Our visitation agreement has stayed the same with the kids going and staying with Carolyn while he is at work. Almost two weeks ago now, he notified me that he is moving to Hemet on June 15. When the kids came home after that weekend, they let me know that they stayed at the house, so, technically he has already moved. They also were quick to point out that "Carolyn has her own room." Freaking awesome. This is my life.
A series of angry, desperate, pathetic text messages to Rick confirmed many things. He is living with his girlfriend and her daughter. He intends to marry her. He HONESTLY BELIEVES he is following the spirit. He told me he reads, prays, follows the spirit, takes the children to church, and teaches them to follow the spirit and live righteously. My church leaders told me that he has essentially "disfellowshipped himself"... Interesting contradiction. Oh well. I am through letting my anger over what isn't happening to him get in the way of my daily happiness. It is frustrating, but I had to let it go. His decision to lie and lie and lie to everyone cannot bring me down any more. I am STILL willing to fix this family, but I am no longer obsessively hoping for his change of heart. He is in my prayers. She is in my prayers. I say these things NOT to sound self-righteous, but to protect myself from hurting any more over his choices. Every thought of what he is doing BREAKS MY HEART.
He has taken Parker three times now. I am glad. He doesn't talk to me about it, so I can't really report on "how it went" but I think it is good. Soon, he will take Parker with the other kids. We'll see how that goes. As Breanna pointed out yesterday "Daddy already has 6 kids, because of Norah." "Great," I said, "Once he starts taking Parker, he will have 7." This is my awesome life.
We go to court on Tuesday morning for a "Trial Setting Conference." I am sincerely hoping that something else gets done that day. With him working full time now and his move to Hemet, I believe that the current visitation agreement for summer (week on week off) should no longer be valid. He, however, insists that he prefers to keep things the same. I am astounded that he thinks them spending 60+ hours a week with Carolyn while he is working is reasonable. Sure, he is following the spirit... I don't know what will happen Tuesday, maybe nothing, but I hope it is something. Anything, really. Any change would be better than what I've got going on now.
More blogging to come today. Right now, crying baby. Thank you all for your love and support. It means more than you could possibly imagine!
As of a few weeks ago, Rick is back to work. I can only speculate the reasons, but it is what it is. Our visitation agreement has stayed the same with the kids going and staying with Carolyn while he is at work. Almost two weeks ago now, he notified me that he is moving to Hemet on June 15. When the kids came home after that weekend, they let me know that they stayed at the house, so, technically he has already moved. They also were quick to point out that "Carolyn has her own room." Freaking awesome. This is my life.
A series of angry, desperate, pathetic text messages to Rick confirmed many things. He is living with his girlfriend and her daughter. He intends to marry her. He HONESTLY BELIEVES he is following the spirit. He told me he reads, prays, follows the spirit, takes the children to church, and teaches them to follow the spirit and live righteously. My church leaders told me that he has essentially "disfellowshipped himself"... Interesting contradiction. Oh well. I am through letting my anger over what isn't happening to him get in the way of my daily happiness. It is frustrating, but I had to let it go. His decision to lie and lie and lie to everyone cannot bring me down any more. I am STILL willing to fix this family, but I am no longer obsessively hoping for his change of heart. He is in my prayers. She is in my prayers. I say these things NOT to sound self-righteous, but to protect myself from hurting any more over his choices. Every thought of what he is doing BREAKS MY HEART.
He has taken Parker three times now. I am glad. He doesn't talk to me about it, so I can't really report on "how it went" but I think it is good. Soon, he will take Parker with the other kids. We'll see how that goes. As Breanna pointed out yesterday "Daddy already has 6 kids, because of Norah." "Great," I said, "Once he starts taking Parker, he will have 7." This is my awesome life.
We go to court on Tuesday morning for a "Trial Setting Conference." I am sincerely hoping that something else gets done that day. With him working full time now and his move to Hemet, I believe that the current visitation agreement for summer (week on week off) should no longer be valid. He, however, insists that he prefers to keep things the same. I am astounded that he thinks them spending 60+ hours a week with Carolyn while he is working is reasonable. Sure, he is following the spirit... I don't know what will happen Tuesday, maybe nothing, but I hope it is something. Anything, really. Any change would be better than what I've got going on now.
More blogging to come today. Right now, crying baby. Thank you all for your love and support. It means more than you could possibly imagine!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Blog-erific
I have been wanting to blog more, but I find my time limited. Plus my Stepdad took the laptop and hasn't returned it. So much is happening. It is truly a time of transition.
I had been gradually been drifting into a state of denial once again when Rick notified me that he was moving to Hemet. Come to find out that he has already started the move. Wow. What big changes! His decision to move was devastating since I had been slowly convincing myself that there might still be a chance for us. Silly, I know, but whatever. After some tough love from a good friend, I truly believe I have accepted my fate. And I know that my family is going to be blessed for it.
I received a phone call this morning from a distant friend (acquaintance, even)who wanted to express a certain level of gratitude and admiration for me. I tell this story with the utmost humility, merely to pass on that which has been given to me. This friend is not the first of such contact that I have received as a result of this blog and my decision to publicly tell my story. There are women out there who have felt the spirit of this story, the Spirit of God in my experience. It has helped them deal with their own lives, their own relationships, their own stories - whether current or past - and I am so grateful that they have let me in on their healing. It is such a blessing to me.
I encourage you all to find your hearts. Find your Truth. Find your Spirit. Find God, and find yourself. If you need therapy, get it. If you need redemption, find it. If you need forgiveness, ask for it. Be honest - with yourself first and foremost - and also with the people in your life. There is power in the Truth. There is strength.
I had been gradually been drifting into a state of denial once again when Rick notified me that he was moving to Hemet. Come to find out that he has already started the move. Wow. What big changes! His decision to move was devastating since I had been slowly convincing myself that there might still be a chance for us. Silly, I know, but whatever. After some tough love from a good friend, I truly believe I have accepted my fate. And I know that my family is going to be blessed for it.
I received a phone call this morning from a distant friend (acquaintance, even)who wanted to express a certain level of gratitude and admiration for me. I tell this story with the utmost humility, merely to pass on that which has been given to me. This friend is not the first of such contact that I have received as a result of this blog and my decision to publicly tell my story. There are women out there who have felt the spirit of this story, the Spirit of God in my experience. It has helped them deal with their own lives, their own relationships, their own stories - whether current or past - and I am so grateful that they have let me in on their healing. It is such a blessing to me.
I encourage you all to find your hearts. Find your Truth. Find your Spirit. Find God, and find yourself. If you need therapy, get it. If you need redemption, find it. If you need forgiveness, ask for it. Be honest - with yourself first and foremost - and also with the people in your life. There is power in the Truth. There is strength.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Today
I haven't cried this much in a long time.
My husband has a girlfriend. She and her daughter live with him in their one bedroom apartment. I know it, he knows it, my kids know it, the church knows it. This is my life.
Today, desperate for someone to watch the babies so that I could attend Derek's Mother-Son Lunch, I asked Rick to ask her to watch Parker and Jane. And I dropped them off in tears (me, not them) and picked them up in tears. Best part is that I still missed the lunch. That was my day.
I am grateful for family, friends, and emotional support that never seems to end. In two days, the kids go with their dad until Monday. I get to have a relaxing birthday. And I can try to forget what I experienced this afternoon.
My husband has a girlfriend. She and her daughter live with him in their one bedroom apartment. I know it, he knows it, my kids know it, the church knows it. This is my life.
Today, desperate for someone to watch the babies so that I could attend Derek's Mother-Son Lunch, I asked Rick to ask her to watch Parker and Jane. And I dropped them off in tears (me, not them) and picked them up in tears. Best part is that I still missed the lunch. That was my day.
I am grateful for family, friends, and emotional support that never seems to end. In two days, the kids go with their dad until Monday. I get to have a relaxing birthday. And I can try to forget what I experienced this afternoon.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Me - Internal/External
I think I have matured about 10 years in the past 10 months. Those who have been a part of my life during this time have seen the change in me - as a woman, as a mother. As my story plays out, I learn more and more about myself - more and more about what I am capable of accomplishing in this life. And I am an outstanding mother. Above all else. Heavenly Father has blessed me and challenged me. I am being refined.
Weekly therapy sessions (Thanks for babysitting, Mom!) and the emotional and financial support of my parents, have allowed me the opportunity to progress emotionally at a rapid rate. My growth has been phenomenal. Such an emotional period in my life; Such dramatic changes.
We have discussed, many times, in therapy, the concept of my internal and my external selves. My external self is extremely well developed. She is confident, beautiful, smart, talented, strong, happy. She is patient, upbeat, assertive, even aggressive. She is easy to like, easy to love. She is the person my husband fell in love with. She is the only one he met in that first two weeks. And her smile can get her almost anything she wants. She is not the whole me, not the real me. She is not me at all, any more, really.
Internally, I am not so perfect. I have been extremely insecure, needy, selfish, prideful. My internal self is "never good enough." She was seeking out all of this attention, from all of these men, from all of these sources to get externally what I was missing internally. But I wasn't going to be able to fill my internal self through external means. I was empty and confused. I hid those realities from myself, even. That's not to say that my external self does not have flaws, or that my internal self does not have good qualities. But I have spent my entire marriage (my entire life?) trying to keep those flaws separate - particularly separate from the person my husband was loving. And now that is all he can see - the flaws, the manipulation, the selfishness. It makes me so sad, so frustrated. I have seen the best (or perhaps the worst?) of his flaws in these past few months. But this isn't about him. When I am through this, I will be capable of having a real relationship like never before. I still believe that could be with my husband, but I am not counting on it.
Now it is time for me to develop my internal self. I have let go of pride, manipulation, and selfishness. It is time to embrace the good in me, to accept the imperfect. You have no idea how difficult this is for me. But it is time to let the world in, to allow everyone to see the whole me, to know the whole me, and to accept the whole me.
This journey comes together in bits and pieces. I feel like, even immediately after the separation, I knew of and could see parts of what had happened - parts of what our relationship became and how it got there - but it has taken this long for me to piece together even the basics of it. It has taken this long to start seeing real concrete sections of the whole picture. I am not completely there yet. I haven't put it all together. But it is a maturing and enlightening process.
Last Wednesday, my therapist asked me what I like about me. My first response was to laugh it off. My external self took over - I'm this, I'm that, the other. Ha ha ha. My therapist totally called me out. Why is this so difficult for you, Amber? Why can't you say nice things about yourself without getting uncomfortable. This is a safe place. You are safe to tell the truth here... Somehow, I really heard him. And, eventually, I answered honestly. For 10 - 15 minutes, I was able to be honest. I stayed consistant. We were both impressed. It was a breakthrough. So, I decided to blog about it. I've decided to try to open up. I've decided it's time to focus on me, and to share me. Lets just say, there will be more to come.
Weekly therapy sessions (Thanks for babysitting, Mom!) and the emotional and financial support of my parents, have allowed me the opportunity to progress emotionally at a rapid rate. My growth has been phenomenal. Such an emotional period in my life; Such dramatic changes.
We have discussed, many times, in therapy, the concept of my internal and my external selves. My external self is extremely well developed. She is confident, beautiful, smart, talented, strong, happy. She is patient, upbeat, assertive, even aggressive. She is easy to like, easy to love. She is the person my husband fell in love with. She is the only one he met in that first two weeks. And her smile can get her almost anything she wants. She is not the whole me, not the real me. She is not me at all, any more, really.
Internally, I am not so perfect. I have been extremely insecure, needy, selfish, prideful. My internal self is "never good enough." She was seeking out all of this attention, from all of these men, from all of these sources to get externally what I was missing internally. But I wasn't going to be able to fill my internal self through external means. I was empty and confused. I hid those realities from myself, even. That's not to say that my external self does not have flaws, or that my internal self does not have good qualities. But I have spent my entire marriage (my entire life?) trying to keep those flaws separate - particularly separate from the person my husband was loving. And now that is all he can see - the flaws, the manipulation, the selfishness. It makes me so sad, so frustrated. I have seen the best (or perhaps the worst?) of his flaws in these past few months. But this isn't about him. When I am through this, I will be capable of having a real relationship like never before. I still believe that could be with my husband, but I am not counting on it.
Now it is time for me to develop my internal self. I have let go of pride, manipulation, and selfishness. It is time to embrace the good in me, to accept the imperfect. You have no idea how difficult this is for me. But it is time to let the world in, to allow everyone to see the whole me, to know the whole me, and to accept the whole me.
This journey comes together in bits and pieces. I feel like, even immediately after the separation, I knew of and could see parts of what had happened - parts of what our relationship became and how it got there - but it has taken this long for me to piece together even the basics of it. It has taken this long to start seeing real concrete sections of the whole picture. I am not completely there yet. I haven't put it all together. But it is a maturing and enlightening process.
Last Wednesday, my therapist asked me what I like about me. My first response was to laugh it off. My external self took over - I'm this, I'm that, the other. Ha ha ha. My therapist totally called me out. Why is this so difficult for you, Amber? Why can't you say nice things about yourself without getting uncomfortable. This is a safe place. You are safe to tell the truth here... Somehow, I really heard him. And, eventually, I answered honestly. For 10 - 15 minutes, I was able to be honest. I stayed consistant. We were both impressed. It was a breakthrough. So, I decided to blog about it. I've decided to try to open up. I've decided it's time to focus on me, and to share me. Lets just say, there will be more to come.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
It's Official!
I went private. Not that I'm saying anything private, but I've decided it's time.
Signed the kids up for soccer today. Four of the kids. FOUR KIDS PLAYING SOCCER.
Brief successful communication today, keeping my fingers crossed.
Tired, but happy.
Happy Tuesday.
Signed the kids up for soccer today. Four of the kids. FOUR KIDS PLAYING SOCCER.
Brief successful communication today, keeping my fingers crossed.
Tired, but happy.
Happy Tuesday.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Update. Court.
I will try to make this as brief as possible. I do not have a lot of time to write, and I'm not sure if blogging about it is even going to help. I cannot hide my frustration as I continue to go along with Rick's determined plan for divorce. Our first hearing was on Monday.
Since Rick is no longer working - and clearly planning to take an extended vacation, errr, disability leave, so that he can "go to school" and "become a chiropractor" - he is insisting on an increased amount of visitation. That is honestly fine with me. I do not mind the children spending additional time with him. I just don't like that an increase in visitation essentially guarantees that he will not be returning to work for the time being. He is perfectly content with my parents picking up all the financial slack for his family so that he can go live out his dream. Awesome. Support is set by the court, so neither one of us can really argue about it, but I will say that they set it at over $200 more than he was offering. Love love love being nickel and dimed...
I would have preferred a different visitation schedule because I do not believe that living in a one bedroom apartment is an appropriate permanent residence. Temporarily, for brief stays, fine, but ongoing for long stretches seems like a lot. I also do not like the back and forth for so many of them and the children being so young. The adjustment is always difficult. Getting them back on a normal routine is a struggle, and I find myself modifying their routine to accomodate - and then regretting it!
I don't understand how Rick has still managed to turn this experience around on me and continues to feel sorry for himself. He is getting exactly what he wants - we are getting a divorce, and I agreed to the visitation agreement HE proposed. How is he still blaming me??? I am dumbfounded. Truly.
I cannot even describe the disgusting drivel that Rick somehow found it necessary to text me yesterday. His intention could only have been to hurt me, and he met his mark directly. I fell apart for several hours. Fortunately, I have good friends and family who were able to support me. And I know better than to allow his hatred, hurt, and negativity affect me. I know better than to buy into his lies. What he says about me is just not true. It's not true.
I am not perfect. I never claimed to be; I never will expect myself to be. However, I do want to be a better person. I want to be a better wife, mother, woman, friend. I am working, striving, every single day to progress in that goal - to be better. Honestly, that is all any of us can do.
Since Rick is no longer working - and clearly planning to take an extended vacation, errr, disability leave, so that he can "go to school" and "become a chiropractor" - he is insisting on an increased amount of visitation. That is honestly fine with me. I do not mind the children spending additional time with him. I just don't like that an increase in visitation essentially guarantees that he will not be returning to work for the time being. He is perfectly content with my parents picking up all the financial slack for his family so that he can go live out his dream. Awesome. Support is set by the court, so neither one of us can really argue about it, but I will say that they set it at over $200 more than he was offering. Love love love being nickel and dimed...
I would have preferred a different visitation schedule because I do not believe that living in a one bedroom apartment is an appropriate permanent residence. Temporarily, for brief stays, fine, but ongoing for long stretches seems like a lot. I also do not like the back and forth for so many of them and the children being so young. The adjustment is always difficult. Getting them back on a normal routine is a struggle, and I find myself modifying their routine to accomodate - and then regretting it!
I don't understand how Rick has still managed to turn this experience around on me and continues to feel sorry for himself. He is getting exactly what he wants - we are getting a divorce, and I agreed to the visitation agreement HE proposed. How is he still blaming me??? I am dumbfounded. Truly.
I cannot even describe the disgusting drivel that Rick somehow found it necessary to text me yesterday. His intention could only have been to hurt me, and he met his mark directly. I fell apart for several hours. Fortunately, I have good friends and family who were able to support me. And I know better than to allow his hatred, hurt, and negativity affect me. I know better than to buy into his lies. What he says about me is just not true. It's not true.
I am not perfect. I never claimed to be; I never will expect myself to be. However, I do want to be a better person. I want to be a better wife, mother, woman, friend. I am working, striving, every single day to progress in that goal - to be better. Honestly, that is all any of us can do.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Friends/Privacy
I decided to clean out my friend list. My change is rapid in so many ways, but also a gradual process, and I think cleaning up facebook is a good step forward. I don't know who I can or cannot trust. If anyone is reading this and would like a "re-friend" then please send me a message. Most of the people I deleted, it was certainly nothing personal...
In that same vein, I intend to convert this blog to private. If you read regularly and would like to continue doing so, you will at some point have to create a login and ask me for an invite.
I am so tired of lies. So completely exhausted. I'm overwhelmed by my husbands accusations, misperceptions, and blatant lies. I am extremely hurt today. I am not the person he describes, not the person he imagines me to be. It hurts me right down to my core, but he refuses to see anything different. Any attempt I make is just perceived as additional proof of my evil manipulative ways. Somehow, me giving him EXACTLY WHAT HE ASKED FOR yesterday is a manipulative trap and the love and devotion I feel for him is not coming from Heavenly Father. I do not understand. I will never understand. I cannot defend myself against his lies. It's impossible.
In that same vein, I intend to convert this blog to private. If you read regularly and would like to continue doing so, you will at some point have to create a login and ask me for an invite.
I am so tired of lies. So completely exhausted. I'm overwhelmed by my husbands accusations, misperceptions, and blatant lies. I am extremely hurt today. I am not the person he describes, not the person he imagines me to be. It hurts me right down to my core, but he refuses to see anything different. Any attempt I make is just perceived as additional proof of my evil manipulative ways. Somehow, me giving him EXACTLY WHAT HE ASKED FOR yesterday is a manipulative trap and the love and devotion I feel for him is not coming from Heavenly Father. I do not understand. I will never understand. I cannot defend myself against his lies. It's impossible.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Let's just clarify...
I am trying to do the right thing. I just want to do the right thing. I believe that Heavenly Father has made it very clear to me that the right thing for me to do is to work things out with my husband. Am I happy with the way he has treated me (or the children, for that matter)?? No. Am I happy with the way he is acting? No. Do I "want him back"? No, not this guy. Not the guy I've had to deal with for the past 9 months or so. No. Not at all.
God has shown me what we could have, what we could be, if he chose it. He would have to choose it. He is not. To me, this is not about him "coming back" so much as it is about doing right by our children. I screwed up plenty, but I would like to honor the commitment we made to each other and to our children. I have received the testimony that we could be happy, we could love each other, again. I trust God. That is all I can do.
God has shown me what we could have, what we could be, if he chose it. He would have to choose it. He is not. To me, this is not about him "coming back" so much as it is about doing right by our children. I screwed up plenty, but I would like to honor the commitment we made to each other and to our children. I have received the testimony that we could be happy, we could love each other, again. I trust God. That is all I can do.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Menifee
Yesterday, I visited Menifee/Sun City. I go back every couple of months to get my hair cut in Temecula (Jessy Hayes is the BEST!) because I cannot give up my girl. When I make a hair appointment, I try to contact some of my "old" friends and spend some time with them as well. Yesterday was a particularly successful visit. I managed to hook up with two of my friends from the Sun City Ward for lunch before my appointment. Then, afterward, I had an amazing visit with another great friend and her family who moved up to Romoland.
As I drove from Menifee down to Temecula for my haircut, I found myself pondering deeply. "This is my home" I thought. Rick and I lived in that house, in that city, for over 6 years. It was a long time. Enough time for us to have 4 (and a half) of our children. Enough time to build real, meaningful friendships. I like the slower pace out there. I like the way the communities are growing, but not overgrown. Going back is really fun. It really does feel like home.
After my haircut, I began driving back up north to Romoland to meet with Adriana. It was later than I had anticipated being, and it was a little out of the way, but I was determined to make the stop. I believe now that there was a reason. I don't know how to describe the time I spent there. It would be reduntant to try to outline the entire (approximately) six hours of discussion that took place, but I must say that it felt extremely profound. Admittedly, I did a lot of the talking. Probably not a big shocker. I had the opportunity to bear a true testimony. Not necessarily a testimony of the Church (although I think my feelings about the Church were made abundantly clear) but - perhaps more sincerely?- a testimony about my journey. I was able to share the things I have done wrong, the things I have learned, the things I have changed, the things I have done right, and the things I hope to continue to change. We talked a lot about my experience - what I have gone through (including the things I caused myself!) and what I am still going through. We talked about life, family, the Church. I felt the Spirit there with us in that visit. It was uplifting, even in testimonies of sadness or weakness or vulnerability. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have. I am grateful for the generosity and openness of good friends and the love that has been extended to me in so many ways.
I continue to pray for my husband. I continue to hope for reconcilliation. I feel confident in my ability to feel and follow the Spirit. I know what Heavenly Father wants from me and for my family. I pray Rick will learn it too and choose to take that chance.
As I drove from Menifee down to Temecula for my haircut, I found myself pondering deeply. "This is my home" I thought. Rick and I lived in that house, in that city, for over 6 years. It was a long time. Enough time for us to have 4 (and a half) of our children. Enough time to build real, meaningful friendships. I like the slower pace out there. I like the way the communities are growing, but not overgrown. Going back is really fun. It really does feel like home.
After my haircut, I began driving back up north to Romoland to meet with Adriana. It was later than I had anticipated being, and it was a little out of the way, but I was determined to make the stop. I believe now that there was a reason. I don't know how to describe the time I spent there. It would be reduntant to try to outline the entire (approximately) six hours of discussion that took place, but I must say that it felt extremely profound. Admittedly, I did a lot of the talking. Probably not a big shocker. I had the opportunity to bear a true testimony. Not necessarily a testimony of the Church (although I think my feelings about the Church were made abundantly clear) but - perhaps more sincerely?- a testimony about my journey. I was able to share the things I have done wrong, the things I have learned, the things I have changed, the things I have done right, and the things I hope to continue to change. We talked a lot about my experience - what I have gone through (including the things I caused myself!) and what I am still going through. We talked about life, family, the Church. I felt the Spirit there with us in that visit. It was uplifting, even in testimonies of sadness or weakness or vulnerability. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have. I am grateful for the generosity and openness of good friends and the love that has been extended to me in so many ways.
I continue to pray for my husband. I continue to hope for reconcilliation. I feel confident in my ability to feel and follow the Spirit. I know what Heavenly Father wants from me and for my family. I pray Rick will learn it too and choose to take that chance.
Checking Back In
It has been two weeks since my last blog post. A couple of you have contacted me, and I appreciate your concern, but I assure you that there is no sinister reason for my absence. I have had a lot on my mind, but haven't had the presence of mind to blog it all out, plus I have been SUPER BUSY caring for six kids. :)
Now that the kids are with Rick (except Paco, of course, since Rick does not take him - does not show any interest in taking him) until Wednesday for Spring Break, I am taking a few minutes to catch my breath and catch up.
I've been hesitant to blog about the "progress" of my divorce or the "status" of my marriage because I KNOW how much it bothers Rick. Whether or not he is actually reading, it seems he is somehow getting updated as I include him in my postings. He is very sensitive to it. My difficulty, however, is that his (REALLY REALLY BAD) choices continue to affect me and the children in increasingly hurtful and negative ways. Last week he told me that his weekends (from now on) would be for going to school and I am supposed to change the visitation agreement to accomodate his decision to start classes. Hmmm, he can make an arbitrary decision and expects me (and the kids) to just adjust to it. I'm sorry, that is not reasonable. I cannot wait until we stand before the judge. I wonder what he will say about all of the "decisions" Rick is making. I truly wonder. Does he realize he hasn't offered any support on behalf of his children in over 2 months? It's not enough that you care for them when they are with you. It just is not enough. Seriously.
My only other mention of Rick is that the children are becoming increasingly aware of his relationship. I have gotten feedback from uninvolved bystanders who have noticed the children having a visible reaction. They are aware that his relationship with her is inappropriate. They are ashamed. But there is nothing I can do. I am ashamed too. I am learning from my own mistakes and becoming so much stronger - emotionally, spiritually. It is taking a lot of time. I want it to happen over night. I want to get that awareness and be able to fix it all at once. What I am learning is that it takes time, it takes practice to change our patterns. It takes real and concerted effort to change our habits, our established behaviors and defense mechanisms. Being aware of my tendancies is the first step, now my job is to work hard to make crucial changes to the way I act. It is happening, I am continuing to change and improve.
I am grateful to God, my therapist, my parents, my extended family. I don't think I would be where I'm at without them all. I know I wouldn't. And without them, my future wouldn't look as bright as it does. Because it does look bright. My heart is true. My testimony is true. I am going to be just fine.
Now that the kids are with Rick (except Paco, of course, since Rick does not take him - does not show any interest in taking him) until Wednesday for Spring Break, I am taking a few minutes to catch my breath and catch up.
I've been hesitant to blog about the "progress" of my divorce or the "status" of my marriage because I KNOW how much it bothers Rick. Whether or not he is actually reading, it seems he is somehow getting updated as I include him in my postings. He is very sensitive to it. My difficulty, however, is that his (REALLY REALLY BAD) choices continue to affect me and the children in increasingly hurtful and negative ways. Last week he told me that his weekends (from now on) would be for going to school and I am supposed to change the visitation agreement to accomodate his decision to start classes. Hmmm, he can make an arbitrary decision and expects me (and the kids) to just adjust to it. I'm sorry, that is not reasonable. I cannot wait until we stand before the judge. I wonder what he will say about all of the "decisions" Rick is making. I truly wonder. Does he realize he hasn't offered any support on behalf of his children in over 2 months? It's not enough that you care for them when they are with you. It just is not enough. Seriously.
My only other mention of Rick is that the children are becoming increasingly aware of his relationship. I have gotten feedback from uninvolved bystanders who have noticed the children having a visible reaction. They are aware that his relationship with her is inappropriate. They are ashamed. But there is nothing I can do. I am ashamed too. I am learning from my own mistakes and becoming so much stronger - emotionally, spiritually. It is taking a lot of time. I want it to happen over night. I want to get that awareness and be able to fix it all at once. What I am learning is that it takes time, it takes practice to change our patterns. It takes real and concerted effort to change our habits, our established behaviors and defense mechanisms. Being aware of my tendancies is the first step, now my job is to work hard to make crucial changes to the way I act. It is happening, I am continuing to change and improve.
I am grateful to God, my therapist, my parents, my extended family. I don't think I would be where I'm at without them all. I know I wouldn't. And without them, my future wouldn't look as bright as it does. Because it does look bright. My heart is true. My testimony is true. I am going to be just fine.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Isaiah 14:3
"And it shall come to pass...that the Lord shall give thee rest from thy sorrow, and from thy fear, and from the hard bondage wherein though wast made to serve"
Kind of bummed out tonight, but I liked this one. It will get better. And really, He does give me rest. They just keep rearing their ugly little heads...
Kind of bummed out tonight, but I liked this one. It will get better. And really, He does give me rest. They just keep rearing their ugly little heads...
Thursday, March 24, 2011
via text message
I have been debating whether or not to post this, but I am feeling so destroyed that I want to release it from my soul... And I am reaching out.
After a stressful and emotionally charged interaction yesterday I finally wrote this:
"Every time I read that you are not convinced, I WANT to try to convince you. I can't convince u. You admit I've changed but r afraid it's not forever. I respect that! But you are choosing your new relationship over your family. We could do this but you'd have to let her go. I'm sorry. That's best for the kids and eternity." 3:32pm
And then I wrote:
"I never saw your hurt. I was too wrapped up in me. Not until September. Then I felt it all. Sorry." 3:35pm
And received:
"You are right" 3:39pm
And then:
"I should of stayed with [HER] 10 years ago but instead I chose you too bad for eternity and you and the kids do your best to save the kids from my corrupt life choices" 3:44pm
My response:
"You just said it all. Too bad. You chose me. What u "want" now doesn't matter. You aren't righting a wrong. You are destroying eternity. Thank you for finally admitting it." 3:51pm
"And 6 kids." 3:53pm
Rick -
"Now will u leave me alone" 3:54pm
After a stressful and emotionally charged interaction yesterday I finally wrote this:
"Every time I read that you are not convinced, I WANT to try to convince you. I can't convince u. You admit I've changed but r afraid it's not forever. I respect that! But you are choosing your new relationship over your family. We could do this but you'd have to let her go. I'm sorry. That's best for the kids and eternity." 3:32pm
And then I wrote:
"I never saw your hurt. I was too wrapped up in me. Not until September. Then I felt it all. Sorry." 3:35pm
And received:
"You are right" 3:39pm
And then:
"I should of stayed with [HER] 10 years ago but instead I chose you too bad for eternity and you and the kids do your best to save the kids from my corrupt life choices" 3:44pm
My response:
"You just said it all. Too bad. You chose me. What u "want" now doesn't matter. You aren't righting a wrong. You are destroying eternity. Thank you for finally admitting it." 3:51pm
"And 6 kids." 3:53pm
Rick -
"Now will u leave me alone" 3:54pm
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Jason
Today, my second child (my oldest son) turned 7 years old.
Jason Lloyd Thomson was named after the missionary who baptized me (Jason Sterzer) and Rick's Grandpa Lloyd. He was born 3 days after we moved into our Menifee house. I can hardly remember back when I had only a 2 1/2 year old and a newborn. I do remember painting the entire downstairs 4 different colors during that first few months. He was an easy newborn, and I only had one other child!!
The pregnancy was tumultuous to say the least. No foster children, but we lived in 3 different homes before we were finally able to habitate the Menifee house. Originally, when I found out I was pregnant, we were living with Rick's Aunt Wauneta. It was challenging, but we were fortunate that she was being so generous, allowing us to stay there and save our money for the house. After about 6 months, we began to get on each others nerves a little too much. And Aunt Wauneta struggled with having a 2 year old around. We moved into my brother's house in Corona. After a month, we found a cheap apartment to rent (also in Corona) until our house was built. We lived there for about a month and a half before we were able to move. And 3 days later, I went into labor. It was the first child we had where we traveled from Menifee to Orange County for the birth. Fortunately I went into labor in the middle of the night - traffic wasn't an issue.
Jason was 9 lb 2 oz - a big baby, especially after Hattie who was only 6 lb 12 oz! My mom and my friend Amy were in the delivery room with me and Rick. I remember hearing my mom say "You just gave birth to a three month old baby!" as soon as he came out. The doctor kind of stumbled back to catch him.
He was a good baby - so so fat, but he quickly became Mommy's Favorite. Now he is a sweet, smart little boy who adores his baby brother Parker and helps his mother a great deal. He can be a challenge to manage emotionally (lots of whining, and oh! what a temper!) but he is getting better and better each week. We are so proud of him in school. From homeschooling we knew that Jason was very confident and proactive academically. He was always quick to get to work and completed his assignments without (too much) arguing. He likes to please, and has an innate pride in accomplishment. When he entered first grade at the public school, his teacher took to him immediately. She noticed that he excelled and began assessing his skills. Finally, she spoke to me and to the principal about possibly moving Jason into 2nd grade. I wasn't concerned about him physically or academically, just emotionally, but in the end we decided that it would be better for him to be "average" in a higher grade than for him to be too advanced in his current grade. Mrs. Bannon was a great teacher, willing to do the extra work to make sure Jason was being challenged, but what would happen when he got into 3rd, 4th, 5th...? If he was bored, he might start to misbehave... So we decided to put him ahead into 2nd grade. And he has done great! Socially he struggles a little bit, but he is learning and growing and finding friends. I am so proud of him. Academically he has no trouble at all and he is even learning multiplication already!
He is good at doing his chores (vacuuming, taking out the trash) and has taken to Parker (his "Mini Me") like none of the other kids have. I am so proud of my handsome boy. I love him so much and am proud to be his Mommy.
Jason Lloyd Thomson was named after the missionary who baptized me (Jason Sterzer) and Rick's Grandpa Lloyd. He was born 3 days after we moved into our Menifee house. I can hardly remember back when I had only a 2 1/2 year old and a newborn. I do remember painting the entire downstairs 4 different colors during that first few months. He was an easy newborn, and I only had one other child!!
The pregnancy was tumultuous to say the least. No foster children, but we lived in 3 different homes before we were finally able to habitate the Menifee house. Originally, when I found out I was pregnant, we were living with Rick's Aunt Wauneta. It was challenging, but we were fortunate that she was being so generous, allowing us to stay there and save our money for the house. After about 6 months, we began to get on each others nerves a little too much. And Aunt Wauneta struggled with having a 2 year old around. We moved into my brother's house in Corona. After a month, we found a cheap apartment to rent (also in Corona) until our house was built. We lived there for about a month and a half before we were able to move. And 3 days later, I went into labor. It was the first child we had where we traveled from Menifee to Orange County for the birth. Fortunately I went into labor in the middle of the night - traffic wasn't an issue.
Jason was 9 lb 2 oz - a big baby, especially after Hattie who was only 6 lb 12 oz! My mom and my friend Amy were in the delivery room with me and Rick. I remember hearing my mom say "You just gave birth to a three month old baby!" as soon as he came out. The doctor kind of stumbled back to catch him.
He was a good baby - so so fat, but he quickly became Mommy's Favorite. Now he is a sweet, smart little boy who adores his baby brother Parker and helps his mother a great deal. He can be a challenge to manage emotionally (lots of whining, and oh! what a temper!) but he is getting better and better each week. We are so proud of him in school. From homeschooling we knew that Jason was very confident and proactive academically. He was always quick to get to work and completed his assignments without (too much) arguing. He likes to please, and has an innate pride in accomplishment. When he entered first grade at the public school, his teacher took to him immediately. She noticed that he excelled and began assessing his skills. Finally, she spoke to me and to the principal about possibly moving Jason into 2nd grade. I wasn't concerned about him physically or academically, just emotionally, but in the end we decided that it would be better for him to be "average" in a higher grade than for him to be too advanced in his current grade. Mrs. Bannon was a great teacher, willing to do the extra work to make sure Jason was being challenged, but what would happen when he got into 3rd, 4th, 5th...? If he was bored, he might start to misbehave... So we decided to put him ahead into 2nd grade. And he has done great! Socially he struggles a little bit, but he is learning and growing and finding friends. I am so proud of him. Academically he has no trouble at all and he is even learning multiplication already!
He is good at doing his chores (vacuuming, taking out the trash) and has taken to Parker (his "Mini Me") like none of the other kids have. I am so proud of my handsome boy. I love him so much and am proud to be his Mommy.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Perfectly Flawed
I could probably write every single day that having 6 kids is SUCH a challenge! Haha. Not that I'm feeling sorry for myself. I love these kids so much. Even the rough days are good. At least once they are in bed. :)
Church was amazing again today. I love Sundays. It is tough having the children in Sacrament meeting, but I have gotten so much help and support from the ward. Today, one of the Sisters met us in the parking lot. I was changing Jane's diaper in the van (Oh no! Get the wipes! Quick!) and putting on her tights and shoes. Parker was screaming non-stop. Hattie was sitting and reading, and Breanna was still missing a shoe. She asked if I needed help. I never really know how to respond. I mean, I guess the answer to that is always yes. The fact is, I always think - "If I don't have help, I will just have to figure it out. So, no, I don't need the help." I can't really think for myself in those moments, so I was grateful when she just decided to bring the boys into the building with her. With that big van (and now with 11am church) we have to park WAY at the back of the parking lot. It is a long walk in (and out, incidentally.) As I was putting Parker into his wrap, I saw them entering through the first set of doors into the building. Grateful, I certainly was, that she had taken them. The girls, and Parker, and I made our way to the building through the cold. Finally entering Sacrament meeting, I couldn't see my boys. A friend let me know where they were. We walked past them to find our seats, and Hattie wanted to stop and stay with the family with whom the boys were sitting. Three kids down. The other three and I made our way to our normal seats with the Stryker girls. They had brought crayons and coloring books. It seems that they have taken my family on as a calling of their own. So sweet and such an awesome help to me. Breanna immediately took to the coloring. So I just had Parker (in the wrap) and Janey (climbing on me) to contend with... Jane vascillated between the young women and me. Somehow, it was still challenging, but it was definitely not as stressful as it may have otherwise been.
I was able to listen to the speakers and could truly appreciate the messages imparted. Particularly, the second speaker, who spoke of his experience as a single father (of three) who eventually joined the church and married a single mother (of five), really inspired me. I cried. Today was already hard as I struggled with renewed thoughts of the wrongs I have committed and the hurt I have caused. I intensely feel the possibility that perhaps I have hurt him too much for him to give me another try. The only difficulty with that idea I now have is that he's not staying on the right path, not setting a righteous example for our children. I could respect his choice if it were coming from a sincere place of truth. Unfortunately, I know that it cannot be... I felt emotional today, questioning myself, wondering if I even deserve the intact family I desire. I asked my Bishop for a Priesthood blessing.
The Blessing was just what I needed. I was given reassurance that I need to trust myself and my ability to feel and follow the Spirit. Heavenly Father encouraged me to continue to strengthen my Faith, to communicate with Him (sincerely and readily) and trust in God. Trust in God. He knows me; He knows our struggles; He knows our hearts. He has a Plan. I will be the spiritual leader for this family, and God will bless me with that strength. He assured me of that today. I need to keep the Spiritual Well full on my own. Lately I've been relying on Sundays too much.
I'm grateful, so very grateful, for the support I've gotten from so many sources. Members of the Church, Facebook Friends, and readers of this blog have all offered support in varied ways. It keeps me going.
I will never be perfect. Never be a perfect person, a perfect wife, or a perfect mother. But I KNOW that I don't have to be. I know that being me is going to be enough. Eventually.
Church was amazing again today. I love Sundays. It is tough having the children in Sacrament meeting, but I have gotten so much help and support from the ward. Today, one of the Sisters met us in the parking lot. I was changing Jane's diaper in the van (Oh no! Get the wipes! Quick!) and putting on her tights and shoes. Parker was screaming non-stop. Hattie was sitting and reading, and Breanna was still missing a shoe. She asked if I needed help. I never really know how to respond. I mean, I guess the answer to that is always yes. The fact is, I always think - "If I don't have help, I will just have to figure it out. So, no, I don't need the help." I can't really think for myself in those moments, so I was grateful when she just decided to bring the boys into the building with her. With that big van (and now with 11am church) we have to park WAY at the back of the parking lot. It is a long walk in (and out, incidentally.) As I was putting Parker into his wrap, I saw them entering through the first set of doors into the building. Grateful, I certainly was, that she had taken them. The girls, and Parker, and I made our way to the building through the cold. Finally entering Sacrament meeting, I couldn't see my boys. A friend let me know where they were. We walked past them to find our seats, and Hattie wanted to stop and stay with the family with whom the boys were sitting. Three kids down. The other three and I made our way to our normal seats with the Stryker girls. They had brought crayons and coloring books. It seems that they have taken my family on as a calling of their own. So sweet and such an awesome help to me. Breanna immediately took to the coloring. So I just had Parker (in the wrap) and Janey (climbing on me) to contend with... Jane vascillated between the young women and me. Somehow, it was still challenging, but it was definitely not as stressful as it may have otherwise been.
I was able to listen to the speakers and could truly appreciate the messages imparted. Particularly, the second speaker, who spoke of his experience as a single father (of three) who eventually joined the church and married a single mother (of five), really inspired me. I cried. Today was already hard as I struggled with renewed thoughts of the wrongs I have committed and the hurt I have caused. I intensely feel the possibility that perhaps I have hurt him too much for him to give me another try. The only difficulty with that idea I now have is that he's not staying on the right path, not setting a righteous example for our children. I could respect his choice if it were coming from a sincere place of truth. Unfortunately, I know that it cannot be... I felt emotional today, questioning myself, wondering if I even deserve the intact family I desire. I asked my Bishop for a Priesthood blessing.
The Blessing was just what I needed. I was given reassurance that I need to trust myself and my ability to feel and follow the Spirit. Heavenly Father encouraged me to continue to strengthen my Faith, to communicate with Him (sincerely and readily) and trust in God. Trust in God. He knows me; He knows our struggles; He knows our hearts. He has a Plan. I will be the spiritual leader for this family, and God will bless me with that strength. He assured me of that today. I need to keep the Spiritual Well full on my own. Lately I've been relying on Sundays too much.
I'm grateful, so very grateful, for the support I've gotten from so many sources. Members of the Church, Facebook Friends, and readers of this blog have all offered support in varied ways. It keeps me going.
I will never be perfect. Never be a perfect person, a perfect wife, or a perfect mother. But I KNOW that I don't have to be. I know that being me is going to be enough. Eventually.
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