More dances with a pig.

HIS RESPONSE TO ME: 

I in no way was saying you deliberately put the kids in activities so
that I would have less time. Instead of staying and discussing and
seeking clarification you run off and misunderstand the point and
coming to an understanding of what is trying to be communicated. In
our agreement we are to discuss with the other parent activities that
might impact the others time with the children. I am very sensitive to
the time I have with them and might be selfish with that time. So when
I get an email telling me what the kids schedule is and where they
need to be planned by you and not consulting with me if your
commitments that you made for the kids is ok. I would not have a
problem with them having to come home early on Sunday if you would
have respected me and asked me before getting the kids involved with
other plans than what I may have. this month I wont have them as much
due to the vacation schedule I lose a weekend and my time with them is
valuable to me. To you its "not reasonable" for me to have them for an
extended amount of time. I am grateful for the time you do allow. So I
will take it when I can get it.

You misunderstood why Carolyn didn't want you to sit by her and you
say you never did anything to her but you did do things to her. You
feel because you have certain "truths" that you can express them
freely that's fine you will do and say what you want in you public
forum but you don't know her and never did but you presumed to know
her and wrote about her and as a result of your writings as incorrect
as they are and were brought on threats to her by your subscribers.
She was never cross to you and was there for you when you needed help.
So to her face you are wanting to get along and behind her back you
support and antagonize negative attention towards her. Im sure if the
roles were reversed you would not want her to sit by you. In the
assembly situation and in future situations we would and will be able
to sit together with the kids as end-caps us on one side you on the
other and the kids. We don't take every opportunity to tell all the
truth in my life being married to you although it would shine a light
as to why I am where I am I don't tell friends or perfect strangers
for that matter. I have been confronted by people who I don't even
know and you only just met who presume to know who I am because they
met you at a party or through the kids you bore your soul to. I don't
share my past with you and I too have the potential to defame you or
paint you in a negative light by "my truth".

In attempts to "bring peace to your family" you and Bill can talk to
as many church officials as you can but I have been sustained and will
continue to be sustained. I have from day one always been honest with
all my leaders and never ran or tried to hide my sins till I got
caught and now all it looks like is you seeking revenge not peace.

I do not hold a grudge nor do I share any negative experience with
anyone because I respect you as the mother of our children. Carolyn
and I in no way try or intend on replacing you or will ever paint you
in a negative light to them we express our love for them as parents
and will continue to do so.

As always,
Rick

MY RESPONSE TO HIM:

I have asked you to sit with me with a professional or church leader of 
your choice so that we can clear up all of these things.  You have 
refused.  I am uncomfortable "communicating" or "discussing" with you 
alone because you always lie about the interaction after the fact.  
Every single time.  If we had a neutral party present then they would be
 able to verify what was actually said by both of us.

You actually DID say that I put the kids into activities just so you do 
not have time with them.  I walked away (pleasantly, not running or 
yelling) when you began to make those accusations and raise your voice 
during the "discussion."  In your email you assume that staying would 
have involved "clarifications" but I know from experience that it would 
have only created additional tension and accelerated the fight. I chose 
to walk away and allow you to focus your energy on spending time with 
our kids.

The email I sent on Monday was explaining the activities they have been 
invited to and the complicated schedule.  It was intended to HELP YOU, 
not to hurt you.  Soccer AND choir are activities you have agreed to 
ahead of time.  I did not schedule the birthday parties OR the Christmas
 choir rehearsal.  I allowed them to participate in the choir on my 
weekends and gave you the opportunity to allow them to participate or 
not.  I didn't expect you to allow them to go, but when Hattie said you 
TOLD HER she could make the choice between it and you, she and I 
together came up with what we thought would be a solution.  Asking the 
children to "choose you" is blatant manipulation.  Let them go or 
don't.  Just please stop telling them it is their choice between you and
 their activities.

My email was intended to sincerely communicate to you the reasons why I 
find this particular activity important for the kids.  I am sorry I did 
not ask you first.  Each interaction I have with you "communicating" 
becomes increasingly irrational and filled with lies.  I do not know how
 to have a discussion with someone like that.  

You asked to have them for a week, during school time.  I said I didn't 
think it was reasonable.  Let me explain why I do not find it to be 
reasonable.  

1.  Every time the children come home from visits with you, the two 
babies both have diaper rashes.  Every time.  The visit over 
Thanksgiving was less than two days and Janey came home with such a 
terrible "boo boo butt" that it took a full week to clear it up.  Then 
the visit the following Wednesday you had them for three hours and you 
didn't change either of the babies diapers, even one time.  I have 
mentioned to you the issue of diaper rash before and you accused me of 
being "petty," but I believe that between the two of you, you should be 
able to prevent these things.  I change their diapers all on my own.  I 
do not have help, and I have never had their bottoms look so raw.  

2.  The children do not have reasonable bedtimes when they are with 
you.  They stay up all night watching movies or playing video games.  
Those things are fine for weekends when they do not have school, but on 
school nights I am concerned about their well being.  They are often 
tired on days even when they get to bed on time.  Taking the chance that
 they wouldn't get enough sleep, especially going into the holiday, is a
 big risk with which I am not comfortable.  Lack of sleep after your 
weekends makes them more grumpy, more likely to fight with each other, 
and more likely to get sick.  These are all things I have experienced.

3.  Every time the children come home they are filled with strange lies 
you have told them.  You believe you are just "telling the truth" but in
 reality you are confusing them with things that are inappropriate to 
share with children, even a ten-year-old.  Examples would be that 
Carolyn wishes she were there mother, that God brought you and Carolyn 
together (while you are still married????  What God does that?????), and
 details about your plans to wed (and go to the temple in a year? That 
sounds familiar!) one another.  The kids do not need to be involved in 
those conversations.  It is not appropriate.

As for Carolyn.  All I know of her is what I have experienced from her, 
and from you. She did help me out that one time.  Let's not forget that 
she was living with my husband at the time.  I do not see her actions as
 a woman devoted to Heavenly Father in any way.  She moved herself and 
her daughter across the country to be with a man who was married to 
someone else, and whose wife was pregnant with their SIXTH child.   If 
you respect the sanctity of marriage, especially a temple marriage, stay
 in Indiana until the marriage is over.  Instead, she chose to come out 
and get directly in between us.  You say it was already over.  That's 
fine.  It doesn't make those choices right in any way.  And she has NOT 
been nice to me in person.  She has been bitchy to me on many, many 
occasions.  She makes snippy, snotty and snide remarks to me whenever 
she has the opportunity, even in as brief interaction as dropping off 
and picking up.

You are not the man I thought I married.  You have not treated me with 
one iota of respect during the entire separation.  You have reminded me 
of all of my mistakes, faults, flaws, and the ways I have hurt you, but 
not once have you recognized the many many ways I have been hurt.  I 
have apologized to you, recognized my wrongs, and begged for 
forgiveness.  You say you have forgiven me, but still treat me like I am
 trash.  I admit I have made mistakes.  According to you, you have not 
made any mistakes.  You "are sustained."  That is such a joke.  All I 
have communicated to others is the facts.  You began your relationship 
with her the very day after we separated.  You lied about it from day 
one.  To me, to the kids, to Fritter, to your parents.  You have not 
been honest from day one with anyone.  You know that, but you feel like 
you can continue to lie now and make it all okay.  It's not okay.

It sounds as though you are saying I tried to hide my sins until I got 
caught.  Another lie.  I NEVER GOT CAUGHT.  I came to you, in tears, 
sincerely confessing, and asking to give eternity a chance.  You were 
shocked and devastated, and you had every right to be.  I will have to 
live with the consequences of how I hurt you forever.  However, your 
decision to rewrite the story after the fact does not change the truth. 
 It just makes you a liar.

I have told you over and over that I would love to hear your truth.  You
 refuse.  I can only believe that is because you know that your truth is
 filled with lies.  Our marriage was not perfect or happy for either of 
us, but it could have been repaired.  Instead, you decided to scrap 
everything and start over.  That is your right.  I just wish I wasn't 
alone in my desire to do the best thing for our children.

If you truly respect me, then please start treating me with respect.  I 
do not respect you as a man or a father.  I used to, but your actions 
and choices since our separation have created our new relationship.    
You continue to prove yourself lacking, making every decision in your 
life to benefit you (and your new family) and not them.

I respect you as the only father my children will have.  

I will respect you beyond that when you become worthy of respect.

Thank you,

Amber

Another waste of time.

(sent just now - 12:58am 12/03/2011)

Dear Rick,

I am very disappointed that you will not allow Hattie and Jason to attend their rehearsal for the Stake (Church) Christmas Choir on Sunday afternoon.  I had hoped that since I was dropping them off almost 4 hours early yesterday, it would make up for "your time" lost on Sunday.  A 4:30 rehearsal, at the stake center, would only take an hour and a half away from "you" but would allow them a valuable opportunity.  I do not refer to the opportunity to sing in the choir, because they will still be able to participate in the performance next Sunday night.  What I wish I could communicate to you is the value this activity plays in bringing the two of them closer.  Although it was only an hour long rehearsal last Sunday, it was something that the two bigger kids got to do together.  Jason looks up to Hattie so much, and seldom do they truly get a chance to bond, just the two of them.  They both came home giddy, even excited, over the experience they had had.  Jason was still singing and the two of them were still discussing the "arrangement" of the songs the next morning.

I resent the implication that I put them into activities "just to take time from their Dad."  That accusation is ludicrous.  I allow them to participate in activities that are wholesome, fun, and good for them.  If I prevented them those opportunities based on your unwillingness to cooperate, I am sure I would be accused of something else.  Instead, I bend over backwards to protect them, support them, and love them every minute of every day.  I try to provide for their emotional well-being even though I am unable to provide for them financially.  I am eternally grateful to my Heavenly Father and to my parents for providing for them and me where we both have fallen short.

I am through fighting.  I will continue to attempt to communicate with you, as an adult.  I will continue to ask for your assistance in supporting our children's participation in a wide variety of activities.  Some of them will happen on your time.  You will continue to have the right to refuse them those opportunities.

I believe that telling the children that "it is their choice" to participate in these activities "but it means less time with Dad" is manipulative.  It is unhealthy.  In time they will see for themselves the sick mind games you are playing.  Whether or not you are willing to admit it, those types of statements encourage feelings of guilt in a child, as though it is a choice between a parent and an activity.  They will never want to hurt you that way.  They will always choose you when you make that the choice.

Both Jason and Hattie are now seeing the same therapist, and it has been really good for their relationship.  They often have portions of sessions together to work out the conflicts between them.  Of course they still fight - they are siblings - but I have seen a marked improvement in their attempts to care for each other as well.

I have never and will never prevent them from developing their relationships with you.  I know, better than many, how important parental-child relationships are to healthy relationships later in life.  I will continue to offer opportunities for you to support them.  I pray some day you begin putting their needs above your own.  This situation is difficult enough for them as it stands.

As always,
Amber

Thursday. Grrr.

So frustrated that my ex-husband is telling the children he will be going to the temple in a year.  That then they will have a big reception.  Does anyone else think it's weird that they are MIRRORING our life?  Hello??  It didn't work the first time!!!  Why are you doing the SAME THING AGAIN??

And (big surprise) they think they want to live with him.  Oh well, tough luck.  They belong with their mother.

Dreams

Dreams can be cathartic.  I had some weird ones yesterday, and I woke up so refreshed - ready to start anew!  In my dream, I had a heart to heart conversation with Rick.  A sincere, honest, heart to heart conversation.  He told me how hurt he was, how hurt he had been.  He told me that he was truly happy with Carolyn.  He told me that he had thought about how difficult things are for the children, and that he sees how hard it is on them, but that he is choosing to be happy, choosing himself.  It was mildly upsetting for me, but it was closure.  I could beg on my hands and knees for honesty at that level, and I will never get it.  It is merely a "dream" that will never come true.  I have to be satisfied with the fantasy version.  It felt good yesterday.  I felt strong in my newly divorced state.  I felt empowered.

Today, I woke up tired.  Paco has been teething all night the past few nights, and sleep has been scarce.  When I am tired, I tend to get more emotional (even when I remember my meds, which I DID!) than normal.  Crazy, I know.  I really did feel a lot of sadness today.  I wished I could have made things go differently.  I felt the sting of the rejection from Rick.  I felt the failure.  I felt S A D!  Today, I wanted to reach out to him and apologize.  I wanted to make him understand how terrible I feel about everything that has transpired between us.  I wanted to cry.  Oh wait.  I did cry.  But as I thought about what words I might have for him, it just made me more and more sad.  He has no interest in listening to my apologies.  He may say he "forgives" me, but he has no forgiveness in his heart.  He is quick to remind me of all the ways I "wronged" him over and over.  That is not the love of Christ.  That is not forgiveness.  I still strive to find forgiveness in my heart for him.  Forgiveness in my heart for myself.  I want to repair that relationship - not as man and wife (because that is obviously OVER) but as parents of six children, as human beings, as children of our Heavenly Father.  I want to make things better.  I want to make it right.  I still don't know how.  I hope some day I find a way.

Sad

I have entered into a state of deep contemplation.  In between the insanity of life, that is.  I still think a lot about my marriage and its failings, but I am feeling a freedom from the overwhelming devastation that is divorce.  I am sad that it ended.  I am (still) very sad that my husband gave up on me.  It (still) hurts so much, even though I know that I deserve more, I deserve better than the way he has treated me.  I'm sure he feels the same way.  I really wish I could have helped him heal from the hurt I caused.  I am feeling so much sadness this morning.

I am also filled with gratitude for my many, many blessings and for the extensive amount of support I have gotten (and am still getting) from family and friends.  I am grateful for the roof over my head (and my children's heads!) and the warm beds we all sleep in each night.  I fear the games that Rick plays of "you could come live with me" and the confusion it creates in their heads.  I am grateful for the Truth of the Spirit to guide me each day.

I am confused myself.  I don't know where to go from here.  I don't know what to do or where to turn.  I am grateful for a strong, healthy relationship with a man I trust.  I am grateful for the love and commitment he has shown to me and to my children.  I am grateful that the future looks bright, even though it isn't set in stone.

I know God loves me.  I always thought this was a weird thing to remind oneself, but I find myself repeating it often.  Sometimes I feel so unlovable.  Sometimes I feel that because I couldn't keep my husband's love, I do not deserve to be loved.  I have to remind myself it isn't true.  I have to remind myself that my Heavenly Father, my Creator, loves me despite my imperfections, despite my flaws, despite my tarnished soul. 

A crying baby must put a halt to my lamentations and tears this morning.  My heart is grateful, but it is also filled with sadness.  Every day is different.

Final(ly)

Oh wow.  What a day.

It would be an understatement to say that I am a woman with many "issues."  They are complex and varied, and most of them revolve around sex.  Sorry, folks, it's the truth.  I could easily delve further into the details, but I will spare you the TMI this time.  Today, coincidentally, many of those issues were brought to light (again) and I found myself exploring the past and getting super emotional.  No, it certainly doesn't help that I am on my period.  I have realized so many things about myself over the past year (or so) and I continue to learn more with each step I take.  Today was a very contemplative day.

Then, this afternoon, I decided to go online and "check out" my case record.  Low and behold, I AM DIVORCED.  The filing is official as of November 17.  One year and one day after he filed for divorce, it is finally final.  Mixed emotions abound on an already emotional day.  How on earth do I proceed?

I think the news is mostly happy.  Closure, as they say, should help with healing.  I have definitely been looking forward to being "case closed" on Rick.  Now I am free to move on with my life, unencumbered (if you don't count 6 little monkeys hanging around!) hahaha.  That was a joke.  But really, I can go forward, and so can he.  Officially.

Breaks my heart a little more though. Looking forward to snuggling my kiddos when they get home in another hour. 

Just following up.

From:	Richard Thomson
To:	Amber Thomson
Subject:	Re: Cooperating
Date:	Sun, Nov 20, 2011 3:43 pm

---

There will not be any problems when you understand you are not my wife
and that you are not welcome to sit with us You can put children
between us but neither one of us feel comfortable sitting by you.
There weren't any chairs to sit in on the side where you were when we
came in They sat chairs up on the other side and we were ushered over
there We had no problem with sitting on same side as you and do not
want the children to run back and forth The problems is you want to
say and do whatever you want to us and then expect us to want to be
anywhere near you We understand that we will have to be together at
events like these but we don't have to pretend to be best friends
Carolyn simply said she did not want to sit by you You got loud and
overreacted You passed empty chairs and the kids and came over by
Carolyn She is full aware of the comments you make about her on the
blog and facebook and that you have even tried to contact her family
with invites to your blog and playdates Newsflash they don't want
anything to do with you We can learn to work together when you learn
basic social skills The reasonable solution is us delegated by the
children You do not need to sit by either of us You can choose to be
offended or stop and rethink your actions

Thank you

From:	amberathomson
To:	Richard Thomson
Subject:	Re: Cooperating
Date:	Sun, Nov 20, 2011 9:18 pm

---

Rick,

I intended to sit where it was most convenient for the children. It's not about you or her. I chose to invite you to the assembly because I knew it would be nice for Jason. Obviously, the selfish thing would have been to not bother. I would not have had to see either of you. However, I make decisions based on what is best for our children. That includes any contact made with her family. I don't care what they think of me, or if they want to be my friend. I care about the children continuing to feel additional loss as a result of your decisions. I will do what I can to protect them, even make contact with people who have proven that they don't always act in the best interest of the children. I presented the opportunity and am happy to retract it.

Carolyn got loud and confrontational at the sight of me. I responded out of shock and disgust. I have not done anything to her, yet she hates me and thinks she can mother the children better than I. She cannot. Just as no man I choose to bring into their life will ever replace you. I actually experienced the reality of divorced parents, you did not. I will do everything in my power to protect them because I know how much all of this hurts them. I see it in them; they share their feelings with me. They know it is safe with me.

I am not personally offended, maybe the two of you were, though. I would offer the same suggestion - that you both learn basic social skills.

My blog is not public. It is also 100% true. If either of you are not interested in hearing (reading) the truth, you should stop. That is wholly your choice.

I am your wife until we are divorced. We are not divorced. I'm sure you are both aware of that reality as well. I'm sure she's tired of waiting for you to "legitimize" your adulturous relationship. I'm actually tired of it myself, as I continue (and will continue) to deal with the emotional and spiritual repercussions in the children.

Please return the Dora tennis shoes. They were brand new, and those pink clogs are very poorly constructed. Also, the $26 Jason gave to you was stolen from my wallet. I would appreciate you returning it. I am surprised you kept that much money coming from a seven year old.

Amber

For all the world to see. I have nothing to hide.

From:	Amber Thomson
To:	Rick
Subject:	Cooperating
Date:	Sun, Nov 20, 2011 11:58 am

---

Dear Rick,

Please tell your shack-up honey that when we are at events with our children, for our children, we will be sitting together.  Her behavior on Friday was neither civil nor polite, and certainly was not conducive to cooperative parenting.  If she cannot handle being in the same vicinity as your wife and the mother of your children, she is welcome to NOT attend such events.  Yes, the kids are very excited to see their Dad and Carolyn and Norah when you guys show up, but they also like being with both Mom and Dad throughout the course of the time.  It is not reasonable to expect either of us to sit on the opposite side of the room from our children and have them running back and forth.  Plus it is/would be extremely disruptive, especially in a small venue like the school auditorium.  I trust we are in agreement on this issue and that we will not have any problems in the future.

Thank you,

Amber

Student of the Month Assembly

Jason got Student of the Month for November.  I made the mistake of inviting my husband and his whore to the assembly today, via text message.  They came.  In and of itself this would not be a problem.  The kids were very excited to see their Dad, Carolyn, and Norah!  They found seats across the auditorium from me.  Herein lies the problem because the children tend to shift back and forth.  I wasn't about to have them disrupting the entire assembly, so I packed up the stroller, blanket, and jackets, Oh, and Paco, and headed over to the other side - there was an open chair next to Carolyn. 

As I walk up she gives me the dirtiest look and says, "Oh No!  Oh No!  I am not sitting next to you!"  I said, "You guys took the kids all of the way across the auditorium."  She said, "They wanted to come with us!"  I just rolled my eyes.  "What did I do to you????  What did I do to you, Carolyn???"  was all I said.  Oh my goodness.  What a red-lipped whore.  I wish I could punch them both in the face.  So angry right now.  So so angry.

Why can't anyone knock some sense into that asshole?  Seriously.  I am losing it.

Lies

1.  You said that you were just friends.  In August, September, October, November, December, etc...  I could keep going on and on.  You lied.  You planned to marry her as early as August of last year. 

2.  You said you "tried" to come back.  You NEVER tried.  Trying does not mean "thinking about it."  Trying does not mean "talking yourself out of it."  That is not trying.  You chose her.  You decided.   I tried.  I kept trying, even long after you weren't worth the effort.

3.  You said I didn't change.  You are wrong.  You never took the time to get to know me.  You never gave me the chance to show you.  Actually, I DID show you.  I bent over backwards to show you.  I made lunches, bought a ring, washed and gassed up your truck.  Over and over.  And just because I am still upset, still hurt, still defensive, that does NOT mean I haven't changed. I still have the same personality, I have just changed my ways. I know now how to be faithful.

4.  You said you followed the Spirit.  The Spirit would never, ever guide you into another relationship while you are married.  Never.  I know - FROM EXPERIENCE.  I remember feeling that way, and I remember the devastation I felt when I hit my true repentance, when I realized I had been fooling myself and destroying my family.  I pray you never feel that devastation, but I hope you find your way back to the Lord, back to the truth.

5.  You said you would never leave.

6.  You said you loved me.  Love endures all things.  Even this.  You were too weak to love me.  Too weak to stick it out.  You gave up.  On me, on us, on our family.  You chose her.  That's all.

Pitiful?

These words made me cry today:
"First of all, I applaud your commitment to your kids not just from this message in keeping their bedtime but in your FB posts - you are the quality mom I respect and aspire to be like! I agree and support you 100%."

You guys have no idea how much it means to see this stuff written down.

These words made me cry yesterday:
"fritter knew in october that carolyn and I had an "inappropriate"
relationship and k ew our intentions I made them clear. through all
the time after we were "good" and if it were not for carolyn I would
not have been able to have the kids every other week due to the pain I
was experiencing. I tried to know if your change of heart was real and
your messages and personal interactions left me k owing that you are
the same and that you couldn't be trusted or I could not trust you to
come back and try again. I spoke with my bishop here in September and
he knew I was still married to you legally and of carolyn living with
me so wherever you get your info they are lying to you. carolyn lives
with me as a friend a in house care for me and yes my future wife
carolyn loves the kids more than anything yes this is all hard on all
of us and that is why we need to work on making sure that we can be
respectful to eachother. I don't share my "sob story" with strangers
or write my frustrations and invite others to read "that is not
private" telling people to pick sides really im not nor ever was
concerned that you would take me back az I have said before if I had
done the same you would work to destroy me and never take me back and
here you are. you are the same person you were and always will be your
tone and back handed comments never stopped this whole time so I never
came back and I did try but you are the same carolyn and I are not
like you or me or like you a d chris those are things that you say and
believe you are right. all you are left with is name calling and as
your blog continues and you tell your sobbing story you make yourself
look pitiful. I didn't start this conversation all im asking is stop
demeaning me putting me down if you have something to say regarding
the kids then say it. leave out your personal digs. bridal your
passions be careful with brian he has no idea what he is getting into
oven and I hope you are able to teach the children the correct
teachings of the gospel to counter the incorrect teachings at good
news club and vbs"

Don't ask me why the guy doesn't use punctuation or capitalization. Lazy, I guess.
I am feeling much better today.

Funny Thing...

With all of our routines and plans and parenting tricks, our kids still have minds of their own.

Janey did NOT nap today, even though I ended up trying to put her down twice - once at noonish, and once at 3.  She has acquired the new skill of climbing out of her crib and has become rather proficient.  Excellent. 

Then, after Grandma brought home 4 brand new bottles of "kid soap" from the store, she proceeded to empty at least 1/4 of a bottle of suds onto my carpet.  Oh yes, I am grateful for that little bugger.  Keeps me on my toes.

And yes, she got a nice little spank for that fun task.

So, now I have the challenge of trying to suck all of the shampoo out of the carpet in my room with the steam cleaner.  It's going to take forever.  And ever.  I do not have time for this.

These are my little miracles.

Routine

Children love routine.  They thrive on it.  I think I always knew that; of course, you learn it in any parenting class you take or parenting book you read.  But it is truly a magical thing when you see it working in your life.

I don't think I really embraced the concept of routine until I moved in here, to my parents house.  My mother is a much STRICTER mother than I was, so I had to adapt my parenting techniques to fit her expectations.  This meant baths every night because she really does not like stinky children.  So we started bathing them every night.  At first I had a lot of help from my mom, but, over time, she withdrew, and I have been doing it all on my own for several months now.  Every evening, we eat dinner, and then take baths (one by one) and then go to bed (one or two at a time)...  It is a predictable routine that helps the children AND me to know what to expect.

Specifically, this afternoon, I was struck by the bedtime/naptime routine for Janey.  We walked in the door from picking up Derek and Breanna from school, and she threw a massive fit.  She wanted candy that was in the car.  I locked the front door to the house (regular lock and floor lock, mind you) so she couldn't get out.  Well, she got out.  In like 3 seconds.  So I chased her down, swatted her bottom, brought her in, locked the door again, and let her yell at me.  Suddenly, the lightbulb - NAPTIME!  I got her cup ready.  I went in and playfully, but aggressively changed her diaper.  She was fighting back, but somehow cooperatively because it was almost a game.  I told the bigger kids to say "Good night, Janey!" and they did, to which she responded "NOOOO!"  I brought her upstairs to her room and she fought me the whole way - "I want Grandma!"  "She's not here" "I want kisses from Grandma" "She's not here."  Then into her room.  "Do you want 'Rock a baby'?"  "No."  I rocked her and sang to her anyway.  She smiled.  I kept singing, and gave her the cup.  I set her down, set up her pillow and blanket, tucked her in.  I leaned down for my kiss and she gave me one.  "Hug, hug, hug!" she said.  I hugged her and kissed her again.  "Good night Janey, I love you."  "I love you, Mommy."

Magic.

Good Night

Whether I am alone in the house or not, it always feels weird to go to bed when the kids are gone.  Probably because Parker shares his room with me.  I find myself wanting to check on him or instinctively wondering where he is.  I have to remind myself that they are with their Dad.  It is comforting, although its own kind of stressful, having time away from the children, but I wouldn't necessarily say that I like it.  I need it.  I need sleep; I need time to catch up on cleaning and laundry.  I don't like being away from my kids.  I do like that my husband and his pretend wife get to experience the joy of having all of those children to care for.  It is my job, and I love it, but I am a little smug when it comes to their ability (or inability) to do my job as well as I.  Don't ask them.  They will tell you they do it, gladly, cheerfully, and 10x better.  Ask my children, who will tell you that "it's harder for Dad because Dad just isn't used to having all these kids around."  Awwww, poor Rick.  What's new?  Now he plays victim to his own children.  What-Ever.

Today is daylight savings.  I am very very very very very very excited about having an extra hour of uninterrupted sleep.  Did I mention excited?  :-)  Sweet dreams everyone!

Perspective

I have been told that I have terrible kids.  I have also, much more often, been told that I have great kids.  I have been told that I am a terrible mother.  I have also, much more often, been told that I am a great mother.  All four statements are most likely true.  Overall, however, I know (and not just because of my personal "bias") that I have great kids and that they have a great Mom.  I know this because it is the truth.  The permanent truth.  Not the temporary one.

Our truth is always based on our own perspective, which is why it is always so easy to disagree with others.  What is true for me is certainly not true for my (not quite) ex-husband.  According to him, he has "great" perspective and doesn't need therapy.  Is that true?  I would definitely argue against that fact, but there it is, he is CONVINCED.  Realistically, it doesn't matter, in that it doesn't affect me.  Or does it?  Because it DOES affect our children.  Every choice he has made and is making affects our children.  He honestly believes that he is affecting them in a positive way, when all I can see is the EXTREME DAMAGE that his actions are doing.  Who is right?  Is it just a matter of  "perspective"?

One thing I learned in preparing to join and in joining the church is that TRUTH is not relative.  RIGHT and WRONG are not relative.  We do not get to rationalize our way through morality, no matter how smart we are, or how "good" a person we have decided we are.  There is such a thing as RIGHT and WRONG.  Those things are universal.  They are BLACK and WHITE.  Now, that doesn't mean that people are only GOOD and BAD, but it does mean that their actions generally can be considered right or wrong.  Have I done everything "right" in my divorce?  Certainly not!  I would, however, argue that I have done mostly right and mostly good, and I have tried very hard to always put the children first.  I challenge anyone to point out any BIG decision I have made in the past year that was NOT in the best interest of these six amazing kids.  I get so frustrated when lies are told, accusations are made, falsehoods assumed to be fact.  Perception is NOT reality.  Only reality is reality.

Another thing I have come to understand in the last few months is that repentance DOES NOT involve rationalization.  I know that in the beginning (after my confession) I was still rationalizing my behavior.  It was because of this or that, or it was "love" or it was "right."  Once I truly saw the reality of my choices, I was no longer able to rationalize.  I can see how my relationship with my husband led where it did, but I cannot and will not try to rationalize my behavior.  I was WRONG.  I know that, without question, and it was MY FAULT.  So, if you find yourself rationalizing "wrong" behavior, you should know that you are not truly repentant for your actions.  Just a hint...  and, I promise, I share it without judging as I learned it from experience.

Soccer.

From:	amberathomson
To:	Richard Thomson
Date:	Thu, Nov 3, 2011 8:10 pm

---

Are you going to bring the children to their soccer games on Saturday? It is the last time you would ve expected to go since they are with me the next three weekends.

I will need to prepare them either way.

Thank you,

Amber

P.S. The games are at 915, 930, and two at 12.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone

 

				From:	Richard Thomson
To:	amberathomson
Subject:	Re:
Date:	Fri, Nov 4, 2011 1:08 am

---

is there any way that I may have them the third weekend I know that
their vacation starts that friday but I don't get to have them as much
as you. 

From:	amberathomson
To:	Richard Thomson
Subject:	Re: (No subject)
Date:	Fri, Nov 4, 2011 6:10 am

---

I'm sorry, but the 3rd weekend is the last day of soccer. There are 5 games and likely a bunch of parties. In not willing to risk them missing out. Jason is already concerned about this weekend, which was the purpose of my email. I noticed that you ignored answering my question. I'd offer the weekend after Thanksgiving, but we will be making tamales.

Are you going back to work?

Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone

From:	Richard Thomson
To:	amberathomson
Subject:	Re: (No subject)
Date:	Fri, Nov 4, 2011 8:24 am

---

can I have them next weekend on Thursday after school since there is no school on friday. I thought I sent an answer regarding soccer to was in the second draft and never got sent. I would not be willing to take them to soccer this weekend if I can't have them an extra weekend since our time is limited if I could have them both weekends then we will be at both days of games. this Saturday and next. regarding work, I am not able to lift more than 25 lbs or twist my back the dr said full recovery will be three months. I don't think you realize the severity or the seriousness of the surgery so let me enlighten you they made an an 8 inch incision down my back cut through the muscles and spread them open th expose the spine then separated the vertebrae to access the spine then removed the tumor it took 2 neural surgeons due to the size of the tumor which was the larges they had both seen both drs have been neural surgeons for over 30 years so over 60 years combined its not normal for two drs to do this type of surgery it normally requires 1 I am lucky to be walking today it is truly a miracle. I will be returning to work I have always worked and will always worked except through this time of illness which you I feel was me just being a deadbeat who didn't want to pay you. im not looking for sympathy from you you are incapable of such a feeling this is all so you are informed since you are so animate about me going back to work also you lift think I am out here living with all this money but I also owe 50,000$ in med bills on top of what I have paid. so please I you can work with your therapist and your god to be patient I am trying to figure out how clean I can make money to pay for all my responsibilities again as I always have. 

 

From:	Amber Thomson
To:	Rick
Subject:	Re: (No subject)
Date:	Fri, Nov 4, 2011 10:16 am

---

I have plans on Friday with the children.  I can bring them to you on Friday the 11th afternoon/evening and you can bring them back Sunday.

I am sorry I used the term "deadbeat" in regards to you.  It was only twice and out of extreme anger, hurt and frustration.  Any assumptions about my mindset, goals, or motives are just that and do not help our situation.  I didn't think asking about work was unreasonable.  Apparently, it is a sensitive subject.  Again, sorry.  I feel I am being and have been EXCEPTIONALLY PATIENT, considering the circumstances, but that is just my opinion.

Thank you,

Amber

P.S.  Our divorce is not final.  Whether you are "married" to her or pretending to be married, it makes you a bigamist, and it hurts our children.

A Broken Heart

Until September 25, 2010, I don't think I had ever truly felt a broken heart.   I'm sure my heart had been hurt, bruised, maybe even cracked before, but never, ever had I experienced this depth of despair.  As time went on my heart began to break more and more, for different reasons and in different ways, but I certainly learned that a REAL broken heart is something unique and devastating. Getting through that has been a journey all its own. Separate from my marriage, from my children, from my family and friends.  It changes a person.  No one can know how until you experience it.  And if you accept it, own it, learn from it, it will change you for the better.  Otherwise, it is likely to change you for the worse.

At the time, I thought Matt Stevens had broken my heart.  I've felt heartbroken when some of my girlfriends moved on from our friendship.  Many others of my "boyfriends" along the way definitely hurt me and some even made me cry.  A broken heart and a contrite spirit - that is what the Savior asks of us.  And we will never know how it truly feels until it happens to us.  My repentance has been a more profound experience than any other thing I have gone through - baptism, marriage, birthing children... 

I know that I have changed for the better.  I could list the ways, but it would only be boring and self serving.  Those who know me and love me, those who have seen me through this transformation could surely tell you specifics.  However, I've also found that the experience of a broken heart, the experience of a divorce, can dull or even numb a person's emotions.  Sometimes I find myself thinking that nothing really matters anyway, that everything is expendable.  My children, of course, are not included in that equation, but in the context of romantic relationships, I have very little faith.  Yes, Brian has been amazing, and I am not discounting him in any way.  I speak only of my own inability to believe in a complete future for myself.  It must come down to fear.  It must come down to the unspeakable failure that is a divorce. 

Sometimes, I think I see myself happy, truly happy - not the pretend kind that I perpetuated for all of those years.  That kind was so much work that I get tired just thinking about ever living that life again.  I look forward to the relaxed kind.  The kind where I live in harmony with God, life, love, and everyone around me.  I absolutely see glimpses of it.  I am in the process of letting go of the anger I feel toward those who have hurt me - the one who has broken my heart.  I am in the process of forgiving.  I hope I can accomplish that goal soon.  I know it is the only way to find peace.  I know it is the only way to piece this heart back together and trust in love again.

Bigamy

I am, regretfully, still married to Richard James Thomson.  The divorce is NOT final.  He is, however, living with another woman, wearing "rings" and acting as if he were married.  Was there a ceremony?  I wonder.  Now I am married to a bigamist.  This just keeps getting MORE AND MORE AWESOME.  And by awesome, I mean RETARDED.  And I do not use that word lightly.

Why?

I have thought long and hard about why I chose to do the things I did. I think that it is common for someone who is betrayed to wonder, and I wanted to have an answer for anyone who asked. I also wanted to understand the feelings behind my own actions. In our couples therapy, after the "incident" in 2008, our counselor explained that we act on our feelings. We need to accept and understand our feelings so that we can understand and control our own actions. The choices I was making seemed irrational (even at the time) but obviously they were coming from my "feelings" that were very real...

Obviously, since I was unfaithful to my husband, I was not happy in my marriage. Obviously, since he is not choosing to work things out with me now, Rick, too, was unhappy in our marriage. It was not a good marriage. But it still can be.

The emails between my "affair" and me were basically of a light and friendly nature. For me, looking outside my marriage was always about getting attention, getting more attention, getting a different type of attention. I never knew what I was longing for, looking for, until I actually found it. My "distractions" always ended up being a disappointment, never enough to feed whatever this desire was that I had. This relationship was somehow different. Someone from my past, someone I had dated (briefly, innocently) in high school, gave the illusion of familiarity, comfort, and closeness. The letters we exchanged were simple, not sordid or explicit. Not "What color are your underwear?" or "How often do you like it?" but "What color did you paint your toes?" and "How are you wearing your hair today?"... Details. Attention to details. My favorite color is red, I love being tall and wearing high heels. No detail was unimportant. I felt adored, desired. This was not the way my marriage made me feel (does anyone's??) and I let myself become infatuated.

The reality was, it was an illusion - a fantasy. That is what an affair is, really. The grass is greener, and all that. I never considered myself to be much of a romantic, but through this experience I realized that I do like, need, appreciate all of the "romantic" stuff. My marriage (though our reasons were very "practical") started in a romantic way. A two-week courtship certainly SEEMS romantic, and, I think, for a while, at least, that was enough. But two weeks is not a courtship, and I was never "wooed" by my husband. We just kind of DECIDED and then it was done. He had me. No effort necessary. This tendency toward shortcuts characterized much of our relationship/marriage. We skipped so many steps. Rushed into buying our first house (we were not financially ready) and then got pregnant too quickly. Then we continued to make terrible decisions about finances, and CONTINUED having children. And more children... No romance. Ever.

Two Conversations

At Dinner:
Jason - "Mom, are you going to marry Brian?"
Me - "I don't know, Jason.  If I did, how would you feel about that?"
Jason - "I think that I would feel......weird."
Me - "Weird, huh?  Well, yes, I guess me getting married to someone else would be weird!"
Jason - "No, Brian..."
Me - "Me marrying Brian would be weird?"
Jason - "Yes."
Me - "Well, I am not planning to marry Brian, but if I did, how would that be weird?"
Jason - "Because if we lived with Brian, Papa and Grandma wouldn't come visit.  Because they don't like Brian."

Wow.  Now, the truth is that Papa and Grandma do not have a problem with Brian.  They like him just fine.  They just 'prefer' that I date someone who is more capable of 'taking care' of my family - FINANCIALLY.  Of course, because right now, they are shouldering that burden.  It sure would be nice if they could pass the torch.  We all get it.  But I thought it was enlightening and interesting how this reality translated into Jason's mind.  As if they would never visit, even if they ACTUALLY didn't like Brian.  They weren't too fond of Rick and they still came to visit!!  Hahahaha!  Anyway, the conversation went on and I was able to convince him that he had nothing to worry about.  Now he just keeps saying "...if you marry a guy that..." and comes up with all sorts of interesting ideas!

During Derek's bath:
Derek - "Mom, I want some bath toys. Do you have any bath toys?"
Me - "We don't have bath toys, sorry."
Derek - "Daddy has LOTS of bath toys."
Me - "That's nice."
Derek - "I wish I could go and live with Daddy."
Me - "Wouldn't that be fun?  They sure have a lot of fun things!  And you wouldn't have to go to school!"
Derek - "Yeah!  We would be homeschooled!"

Oh my gosh.  The thought of that woman homeschooling my children is so absurdly ridiculous that I cannot even begin to describe it.  Thank goodness they cannot choose their custodial parent until they are old enough to know better.

Today was another crazy one, but it was a good day.  I love my smart, insightful, emotional kids.  They truly are amazing!

Costco

My decision to apply at Costco was actually quite random.  My mom and I were in there with the two babies the other day (Oct 20) and one of the Customer Service Reps offered us a membership at a discount.  My father-in-law had recently removed me from his account, so I WAS in need of establishing membership, either on my own or under my parents, so it was perfect timing on her part.  As we continued in the process, my mom mentioned "You could do that."  And she was soooo right!  I asked the girl at the Member Service desk if they were hiring.  She said they were, and told me to go apply online.  I couldn't get to it until the next day, and I filled out the online application for both La Habra and Fullerton.  The Fullerton store called me on Monday or Tuesday and scheduled today's interview.

My parents had to shift around their schedule quite a bit to accommodate the babysitting for me to make the interview at 3pm.  My friend Kristy picked up all three of the oldest from school and dropped them at the house for me.  Just interviewing for a job requires a great deal of help.  Grateful for the "village" that is helping me!

I dressed up, did my hair, put on some make-up...  oh yeah, and I printed up my resume too!  Once I got there (ten minutes early) I ended up having to wait almost a full hour before the interview even started.  In the break room.  At Costco.  A W K W A R D.

The interview went great.  The two managers I met with both liked me a lot, and the general manager basically said it was a "no-brainer" to hire me.  His only worry was that I was so over-qualified for the position - he wanted to make sure that I knew what I was in for.  I knew.  I know.  I am so ready.  Haha.

Drug test done, waiting for the background check before I can do orientation.  Exciting stuff!  I am looking forward to the new challenge, new experience.  It is a new chapter. 

Consistency

OMG.  Discipline is hard.  Anyone who has kids knows this, and anyone with three or more kids knows it is EXTRA HARD.  With all of mine, and all of them so young, I sometimes feel it is impossible, and have therefore been not-so-great at consistently disciplining my kids for their bad behavior.  It's not something I'm proud of, but I have barely held it together the past year or so.  I am humbling myself and telling the truth.  Hopefully it'll help inspire someone to fight the good fight a little harder!

This week in therapy for Hattie, the therapist kind of reamed me for not doing a better job of following through with consequences for poor behavior (ie. fighting, yelling, talking back, etc.)  I absolutely agree (agreed!) with her, but I feel so powerless sometimes when standing up to my brood.  Powerless to enforce discipline when I have a screaming hungry baby, or a whiny toddler, or WHAT-EV-ER else I may be facing.  She strongly encouraged me to "figure it out!"  I have taken her advice to heart.

Her suggestion was for a family meeting where we list rules and consequences.  If the kids are involved in making the rules (and the consequences) they then know exactly what they are facing.  We had NO TIME, no opportunity, to have a family meeting, so I just started listing "my" rules as they came up:
Rules:
1.  Eat at the table.
2. No talking back.
3.  No foul language.

I hadn't even listed consequences yet.  Eventually (within about an hour or so) Jason began filling out the form even further - with the help of his siblings - including consequences.

Consequences:
1. You get whatever you're eating taken away.
etc.
etc.
You get the idea...

And he added additional rules:
4.  No screaming or yelling.
with their subsequent consequences:
4. Go to bed/nap for 30 minutes.

The list has continued to grow, and since they created it themselves, I have felt obligated to comply with strict enforcement.  Subsequent consequences have developed with everything ending at GO TO BED (early/without dinner/whatever.)  It isn't a perfect system.

I will tell you, all heck broke loose when I got home from my interview tonight about 5:30. (Yes, I got a very part time job at Costco, I will blog later, if I have time.) The kids were INSANE, and I needed to get them fed and (eventually) to bed.  As I began to institute consequences for their (mis)behavior, the disobedience only accelerated.  WOW!  I was amazed at the volume level, the need for attention, the disrespect.  I did, however, begin to deal with them one by one.  Breanna was the first, and she finally was sent to bed for good, without dinner, even without a bath, at around 6.  I stayed calm and enforced consequences as they came up.  Derek got sent to his bed for yelling (I will admit he stayed nowhere near 30 minutes, but he definitely got the message.)  Both boys ended up in bed by about 7:30.

The house is now peaceful.  Only two kids up (youngest and oldest!) and Hattie is surprisingly close to being finished with her homework.  It is working.  My daughter's therapist told me yesterday that it is all about CONSISTENCY.  I knew that.  I believed her.  I just wasn't sure I could do it.  Now I know I can.  :-)

FB Note from Tuesday night.

This is my life.

by Amber Yunker Thomson on Tuesday, October 25, 2011 at 9:40pm

Blogger mobile won't let me blog from my phone, so I am venting here (on Facebook)...

This evening, after spending an hour and a half trying to get Hattie to focus on and finish her homework, I eventually sent her to bed. She took the homework with her after a mini-tantrum screaming fit. I went to her room to express my displeasure with her behavior, and she made a point to tell me that I couldn't force her to apologize. Of course, she was right. She already had tears in her eyes, and, as I disappointedly exited her room she cried,"Dad already bought Carolyn a ring. It's there. He has one too! They're wearing them."

She was hysterical. My heart broke for her. I'm grateful it is no longer breaking for me as I get exciting new challenges to deal with. Exciting new confusion to navigate with/for my children. How can a parent be this selfish? How can he not see how devastated they are?

Happy Anniversary.

The most frustrating thing is that I really do think about and worry about and digest many many other subjects.  How can I change the focus to something more productive?  As I use the blog to release my tension and anger, it is only natural that the crap I am dealing with regarding the EX would be included here...  But, I get it.  I need to get over it.  I need to move on.  How do I do that?

One would think that another relationship would be a great way to let go of the demons of the past and move forward.  Unfortunately, that is no fool-proof answer, and although I am grateful for the patience and support I have received in my new relationship, it has in NO WAY fixed all my problems. As my parents so delicately pointed out this weekend, it brings new complications all its own.  Yes, I get that.  And in other ways, it is a lifesaver - HE is a lifesaver. 

Having six children is a lot of work.  A LOT of work.  I would dare to say it is IMPOSSIBLE to do alone.  I've been here at my parents since my separation and have received an immeasurable amount of help from them.  From financial help, to emotional help, to physical help, I have leaned on my family from the very beginning.  A couple of months ago, my parents made it clear that they would like for me to "figure out" how to do it "on my own."  Now, the reality is that there is no such thing as "on my own."  If I am not relying as fully on my mom and stepdad for the physical help (babysitting, meals, baths, bed, etc.) I will have to fill in that gap somewhere.  My sister-in-law Trina has recently stepped in to help, but the rest of that void has been lovingly and cheerfully filled by Brian.  He works through the evenings many nights a week, but has been willing to (on his "free" evenings) come over and hold/feed the baby while I am doing dinner, baths, beds.  He (Dad of two young boys, but mostly on the weekends) has adjusted to my parenting style and has learned how to enforce the weeknight routine we have instituted in this household.  He's washed dishes, cleared tables, and (OF COURSE) held a baby for hours on end, even a screaming one.  He has played with the children, given "superman" rides, told story upon story to an eager crowd.  He has let me cry and made me laugh (and laugh and laugh) when that is what I've needed.  I feel safe.  I know I can trust.  I am enough when he is with me.

So, now, on to the concept of dating in a general (and perhaps hypothetical??) sense.  Who on earth would date a woman with six kids?  To even consider it, you would have to be a little on the crazy side.  Dating a man with six kids is nearly as crazy, but he's only got 20% custody!  It isn't at all the same!!  So, I have to wonder - why?  Can I trust you with my heart?  With my children?  And how many conniving, slimy losers would I have to date before I found one who might possibly be worth my time?  Am I willing to expose my children to even a small fraction of the number it would take?  No way.  Dating sucks.  I know this.  I first met Brian when I was 14 years old.  I liked him then.  He made me laugh.  :-)  And throughout high school, I admired him for his eccentric personality, sense of humor, and confidence.  I always wanted to know him better.  I do now, and he is all that and more.

I present all of this to show that I have not taken my decision to be "involved" with Brian lightly.  He is good for me.  He is good for my children.  He is a good person.  Through and through.  Does he have flaws?  Of course, WE ALL DO.  I am, frankly, amazed (and grateful!) he has stuck by me all this time through my emotional ups and downs.  He has navigated a stream of mixed messages, very clear messages, and contrary messages and found his way to my heart.

If there is one thing I know, it is that imperfection is universal.  I know I am working every day to better myself and the lives of my kids.  Brian helps me do that in countless ways.

Too Busy and LOL

I don't have nearly the amount of time I would like to have to blog on all of the things I have been sifting through in my brain.  The easiest, most prominent drama is, of course, the toils of dealing with Rick and Carolyn.  Therefore, unfortunately, they have taken center stage in this soap opera.  In reality, my mind is struggling with much more than the BS that they throw my way.  However, they provide me with such frustrating fodder, how can I resist?

When I need a good laugh, I will now return to this email, which I received from Rick on Friday (Specifically, the very first line of the first paragraph - a joke in and of itself.):

From:	Richard Thomson
To:	Me
Subject:	Re: (No subject)
Date:	Fri, Oct 21, 2011 12:06 pm

---

I have not been angry for a long time. As for therapy no need been
there and im dealing with all this in a healthy manner and have great
perspective. Its your behaviors and actions that have made up peoples
minds I never went around telling people what you did they heard it
from you or experienced your behaviors first hand.

one thing you will hopefully learn through your repentance is that the
lord will heal you as you let go and forgive.  There is no need to
fight or put down or paint anyone in a negative light. You still after
all that therapy need all your put downs and opinions out for all to
see and really its sad to see you go down that road clearly you are
not thinking about the kids as you keep your negative posts and tell
perfect strangers your personal trials as skewed as they have been
validated by those who hadn't known you for years and know how crafty
and manipulative you can be. I pray for you and always have and will
continue I hope you can change forgive and be an honorable mother. put
down your judgments they will not help you or the children.

"I have nothing more to say on this subject."

the father

Unfriending

Gives me comfort.

excercise in futility

I invited her to read my blog.

This was the response I got:

From:	Her
To:	Me
Subject:	Blog invite
Date:	Thu, Oct 13, 2011 2:14 pm

---

Thanks for the invite but I will pass. I have no desire to read your public pity 
party. I am surprised a deeply devoted mother and such a repentant daughter of 
our Heavenly Father has so much time to blog and would exert so much energy 
trying to destroy her children's father. I guess it shouldn't surprise me though 
given your love of the internet and attention. Who is desperate and pathetic 
now?

I responded:

From:	Me
To:	Her
Subject:	Re: Blog invite
Date:	Thu, Oct 13, 2011 4:51 pm

---

***I wrote this before you sent your note. 

I wasn't going to send it, but you are so inaccurately judgmental of a situation you DO NOT UNDERSTAND, I feel like I still should try.***

I will never want my husband back again.  You can have him.  Forever.  I do not and will never again stand in your way.  I see now, more than ever, that he will never be the man I thought I married.  Funny thing is, he will never be the man you think he is either.  Good luck to you.  It took me ten years to internalize the insecurities you have already begun to express.  Maybe it helps that you can blame me for everything, but eventually that will get old and you two will be stuck with yourselves - stuck taking responsibility for your own selfish decisions.

I'm astounded that you feel so frustrated at having to "deal with me" since you got here.   You lend no respect nor credit to the fact that I have always been his wife, unfortunately STILL SO, and mother of his children.  We were married in the temple.  And I was actually PREGNANT when you got here.  Who do you think you are?  You were not around for our marriage.  You do not know at all what our marriage was like.  You take the word of a HURT, ANGRY man.  And maybe his crazy, protective family, who NEVER knew me.  NEVER.  The people he has kept in his life are people who DID NOT have any relationship with me, so that he can weave his victim/martyr story that much easier.  I have told the truth, and he has continued to lie.

And now he has replaced me with you.  He did it IMMEDIATELY, and he has still never dealt with his pain over what I did to him.  He changed his focus.  He hopes to create what he THOUGHT we had.  And it is sad, because he will most likely end up re-creating EXACTLY what we had.  An unhappy marriage.  Remember it took me almost a decade to have the feelings of doubt and the need for reassurance that you have already expressed to him.  You think that when...  this or that happens (when he is divorced, when you are married) that things will change, but I assure you they will not.  For me it was if only he helped more, or let me have more breaks... He talks a good talk, it's true.  And I "knew" that he loved me.  But I DID NOT FEEL LOVED.  I constantly needed reassurance, and then he made me feel guilty about it, just as he has done with you.  It is not your fault that the two of you have problems.  It is not your fault that you feel insecure!!!!  I LIVED THAT RELATIONSHIP. 

You blame me, you call me crazy.  That is fine, I understand.  But I see the reality of my marriage.  And I see the reality of your future marriage - more clearly than you can imagine.  I feel sorry for you.  You are the one who has been caught up in HIS trap.  You're right that he has shut me down at every step, shot down every attempt I made to show him that our family is worth saving.  So why are you still questioning?  Not because of you.  It is because he (maybe subconsciously) encourages that insecurity in you.  It is to keep you there, adoring him, looking up to him, never feeling good enough.  Those feelings were such an important part of why I did the terrible things I did.  I CRAVED validation.  Not because I am a bad person, but because I did not get it in my relationship.  Maybe he has learned from his mistakes.  From what I read, I doubt it.

You praise him for all of his "get rich quick" schemes.  You encourage his frivolous spending and irresponsible dreams.  That is because you don't have the worry or the responsibility of actually taking care of the family.  I did listen to him, I did encourage him, but I did it in practical ways.  I tried to build a life together that was responsible and happy.  I tried my hardest to make the fantasy we were supposed to be, the perception of perfection, a reality... and I failed.

Chiropractic college? NuSkin?  Progen-whatever?  How many times will he have to fail before you see that he is a man with big dreams and no follow through?  You will not be able to carry him.  I couldn't.  You will not be able to accomplish his life for him.  I wasn't.  I loved him, and served him and tried to be everything all the time.  And I wasn't happy. Neither of us were happy.  I made bad decisions, made mistakes, have learned many many difficult lessons.

I am sincerely sorry, truly repentant for the ways I hurt him.  He has refused to listen, and you have encouraged him to turn his back on his eternal family for your own selfish desires.  You think it's okay that he just "owes" me (and his children) over $13,000??  That makes sense to you?  And I am the selfish one.  You have one school-aged child and do not work, yet I am supposed to "get a job" with 6 children, 2 who are under 3?  How has this story become logical to you?  He is able to support you BECAUSE he let go of supporting his own children.  BECAUSE my parents have taken on the financial responsibility and yes, BURDEN of raising 6 kids!

Neither of you are victims.  Stop acting like it.

 

 

And got back:

From:	Her
To:	Me
Subject:	Re: Blog invite
Date:	Thu, Oct 13, 2011 5:10 pm

---

You will get your money so don't worry. I have money from my family inheritance that provides for me and my daughter. You are the one who is confused and assumes things that you know nothing about. I am not a victim and never have been.  I pray that one day you will see that the victim label you like to label everyone else with is the very label you give yourself with every blog or text you send. Good luck in your new life I wish you only the best.  I KNOW what my life with Rick will be like and do not need your observations drawn from emails about situations and conversations that you will never understand. Sometimes it is better to not feel the need to know everything but you sadly have yet to learn that. I sincerely pray that someday you find peace.

 

 

And that, my friends, is when I realized there was no point in corresponding with either of them any further. Rick doesn't even bother telling me if/when he is planning to take the kids.  He tells the kids it will still be...  (however long.)  Freaking awesome. I hope they have a nice delusional life together.

:-(

I am feeling a lot of anger today.  I am hoping blogging will help me work through it, but I don't know.  I understand that I am responsible for putting myself here by allowing myself to go back and read through all of that bull.  All the lies.  All the planning.  All the lies.  I am devastated by the level of deceit.  And not just by my husband.

Who tells the truth any more?

They were planning a life together.  And you called me crazy.  Told me it was platonic.  About this subject, I have never been crazy.  It was never platonic.

Relief...

Upon reading the vulgar email and seeing the naked pictures that Rick sent to Carolyn last summer (July 28 - remember they were just FRIENDS, nothing more!), I felt an indescribable rage.  Intense anger and disgust.  I was disgusted with him, not for what he did - believe me, I did the same and more, I am sure - but for the months and months and FULL YEAR of lies about it.  I was hurt and disgusted that he just KEPT LYING to everyone.  He knew he was planning a future - a forever - with another woman, and he refused to own up to it.  Even when I would come to him, knowing what logic told me, pleading for the truth from him, he would continue to lie to my face.  Yes, I have KNOWN it.  But I also was attacked from varying sources about my inability to "prove" any of it.  Or the fact that I "only know what I know."  That the "facts about my relationship are facts" while I was just speculating about Rick and Carolyn.  Clearly I was not speculating.  I think I am justified (dangerous word, I know) in feeling a little vindicated when I was repeatedly called "crazy" for saying that she was a serious threat to our marriage, to our family.

As this new revelation has settled, I can feel only relief.  I am relieved to know that I will NEVER EVER be tempted to "take Rick back" as it were.  I will never desire for him to be my husband again.  I will never trust him or love him.  Well, I am supposed to figure out how to love him and forgive him, but I am certain that will take a while.

They sincerely believe in their eternal destiny together, their love, and for that I wish them the best.  What I have witnessed already, and what I know about my husband, tells a different story, but maybe they'll figure out how to make it work.

So, I decided it was time to come clean (to the rest of the world because zillions already were in the loop on this) about my own relationship and let the chips fall.  I have no reason to deny the truth.  I am happy.  I deserve to be happy.  A stupid piece of paper from the State of California does not get to decide that for me.  And Rick does not deserve me or this family.

So angry.

Verifiable evidence that my husband was having a full-fledged sexual (if not yet physically) affair as of no later than JULY 28, 2010.  I am losing my mind.  I want to broadcast it from the rooftops.  SEE, I'VE BEEN TELLING THE TRUTH THIS WHOLE TIME!!  But what good would it do? 

Mother of Six

This place is a zoo. 

I was actually super impressed with myself this morning.  As I nagged and reminded and politely prodded my children through the process of getting dressed (WITH SHOES!) making their beds and getting off to school.  I know I shouldn't let them have the television on, but it is, at times, such a life-saver as well.  Hard for me to find that balance.  Oh well, we did it, eventually. Again.

Cleaning ladies came yesterday and now I have the (nearly impossible) task of keeping the house clean until our General Authority visit tomorrow morning.  I am concerned about: fitting the visit in between soccer games, finding proper attire, being in the right mindset, given the insanity of a typical Saturday morning (okay, let's face it, a typical morning) but I still look forward to the opportunity.  Grateful to my sister-in-law (TRINA) for offering to help me out.  Make that super grateful.  Hope the offer is still good.  :-)

I cannot even express to you all how much I love these kiddos.  I wish I could remember all of the wonderful gems I hear from them every single day...

This morning, Breanna had her shoes on the wrong feet.  I didn't notice until we were in the car ready to go in to school.  As I was changing them for her she asked me -
"Mommy, can you see through things?"
Me - "No."
Breanna - "Then how do Mommy's and Daddy's know when shoes are on the wrong feet?"

It really is those moments that complete me.  I am ABSOLUTELY going to try to get more of them into this blog.  I promise.  :-)

A Rant.

Keeping my mouth shut on Facebook is a worthy and valuable new venture, but I am not really capable of shushing myself here.  Really, this is meant to be that type of outlet, isn't it?  So, please, forgive me my rantings...

A while back I posted about people taking sides.  The basic premise is that people HAVE TO take sides at some point.  There is no staying in the middle when a marriage (or family) breaks up.  Pick your partner.  Who do you think is "more" right?  No, I don't think it is right to judge, offer judgment, be MEAN.  But I do think it is right to offer/lend support to whomever you feel is best serving the interests/needs of the children.  I get very defensive when people (Rick's friends and family) insist that they are refusing to take sides.  Of course, that means they agree with Rick.  Ridiculous, in my opinion!  I get not wanting to alienate Rick (any more than he has already alienated himself) but I do not understand SUPPORTING the decisions he is making now. REGARDLESS of what I've done wrong.  I do not understand giving him support on this path.

Recently I read - "I support...  the efforts he's making to be a good father."
I will be quite honest in that I am disgusted by that statement.  I am not sure to what efforts this person is referring. I have not seen Rick make any effort to be a good father.  The ONLY thing I would credit him for in the column of "making effort" is making the drive from Hemet to watch the kids soccer games on Saturdays.  However, he also made the choice to move 60 miles away so that he could live with Carolyn and her daughter.  He had options of places he could have afforded to live here, but he would not have been able to support his girlfriend.  So, he had to move.  In that vein, he has made zero effort to support them financially (via child support) while he has been making sure he keeps a roof over her head, and he made ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT TO SEE OR KNOW PACO FOR THE FIRST 8 MONTHS OF HIS LIFE.  Any relationship Parker has with his father is due to my CONSTANT asking, pressing, pushing visitation on Rick.  On many, many occasions, visits were offered and outright refused.  The only reason he takes Parker now is because I insisted that I would start weaning so that he would no longer have any excuse not to take the baby.  His initial response to my offer was that perhaps I am not such a perfect mom because I am going to wean before a full year and "give up on [my] last born child."  Ha ha.  Give up??? Like he did???   I am frustrated (angry) that he implies (or outright accuses!) me of anything malicious or deceitful.  I have NEVER EVER EVER kept any of his children from him.  He has NEVER ONCE called them to say hello or good night.  He has NEVER ONCE asked for additional time with them.  He does barely what he is expected to do in our visitation agreement and NO MORE.  Our lawyer meeting last week included a full discussion about how good it would be if he could call the kids each night (or even a couple of times a week) to have contact or just say good night.  There have still been NO CALLS to the children since then.  He has also refused to pay any child support since February.  He insists that he "would have" paid DCSS (Dept of Child Support Services) but it isn't as though he set aside that money that he KNEW he owed.  When I asked him about it, he said he used it to pay school loans, medical bills and to fix the car.  That was money legally intended for support of his children that he consciously decided to spend elsewhere - on HIMSELF. Meanwhile, his future ex- in-laws are covering the tab he is running.  $13,000+ now...  Speaking of in-laws, mine have not offered any support to me or their grandchildren.  Both my mother and father in law have both been happy to lecture me on my supposed lack of moral fortitude, but I wonder if they are willing to stand up to their son in the same manner?  Seriously?  What a joke!

My husband PLAYED a great father, he gets that ability honestly.  I do believe he loves his children.  He talks the talk and loves the IMAGE of having a big family with a bunch of children who adore him, but he is lazy and a liar and a victim (in my opinion after 10+ years of marriage.)  He is happy to do less and blame others for his incompetence.  I am tired of watching others buy in to his lies.  I am tired of taking responsibility when he falls short.  He is not my job any more.  He needs to stop putting his responsibilities (and all the blame) on me.  I cannot make up the difference in his "image" as a man and a father any more.  I sure hope she is up to that task.  Let me tell you, it gets very old.

Yes, I do feel better now.  Thank you very much.

yeah.

Getting an email on Rick's account from Carolyn REALLY disturbed me.  Emotionally, I am holding it together.  Spiritually, I feel confident and strong. But mentally, I am overwhelmed and confused.  None of this makes sense.  I realize that.  Trying to make sense of it just makes it harder to handle.

Sometimes, however, I just think "WHAT??  WHO IS THIS WOMAN??"

Calm and Rational

Once I calmed down (and talked to about a zillion different people!) I settled my mind about our General Authority visit on Saturday morning.  I am very excited that such a distinguished Priesthood leader has chosen to take his time to visit my family.  I am overwhelmed with emotion.  I am shocked, but content.

It took about a day for me to realize that this isn't about Rick.  It isn't really about me either, and it isn't even about our kids, really.  It is about Heavenly Father, and his ever-abounding love for us!  This is such a blessing, a wonderful reminder that Heavenly Father KNOWS us, and LOVES us, and our Savior has FELT our struggles.  A friend of mine told me that "Jesus Christ cannot come and visit us in our homes.  This is the next best thing."  What an amazing statement.

I'd better get cleaning. That and good thing the cleaning ladies come on Thursday.  :-)

LOL

At one point during our "fights" via email, my husband actually insulted my hair.  Like, that really makes any difference at this point.

Me:  You're living with another woman while you're still married to me!

Him:  Oh yeah, well, I think we have the same barber!

70

I received a phone call from my Stake President (yes, the actual Stake President called me!) yesterday evening.  Our Area Seventy is in town next weekend for our Stake Conference, and he'd like to come visit me at my home and meet my kids.

WHAT???????????????????????

Any ideas?  I'm astounded.  And stumped. 

Surgery

What I know, or, at least, what I've been told...

Rick has a (very large) tumor on his T11 vertebrae.  He is undergoing surgery on Wednesday at St. Joseph's Hospital, and will be spending at least 5 days in the ICU. 

I am scared for my husband.  I am scared for my children.  I appreciate all of your prayers.

Rick will see the kids for dinner on Tuesday night, and after that I do not know how long it will be. I asked him this morning if they will be able to visit him in the hospital, but he doesn't know yet.  I guess we'll see.

I know that I still love my husband.  I know that we will not be able to stay married.  He is going to marry someone else, because he thinks that is the answer.  But I do love him.

More junk to vent.

Yes, I posted this on FB.

No, I am not divorced.

How could he think he could possibly get married before this coming Wednesday?  Idiot.

How could he even consider telling the children that he is going to "try" to marry Carolyn before Wednesday?

Seven year old's are pretty smart.  And Jason is emotional, but he does not express his emotion well.  So, it broke my heart to hear him say, "It just doesn't feel right in my heart."

That's because it isn't.  I can't say that to him, but it's true.

Meeting with the lawyers.

Monday, September 26, we met with both of our lawyers to finalize the details of our divorce.  2.5 hours of hashing out everything we've already agreed upon, typing up papers, signing papers.

The visitation is staying what we've already discussed.  He has them 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends and Wednesday nights.  Summer vacation is week on/ week off.  We trade off Thanksgiving and Spring Break.  We split Christmas holiday.  Basically 70/30 split overall.

Dept of Child Support Services (DCSS) assessed child support (while Rick is on disability) at $1590 per month.  When (??) he goes back to work, I will have to contact DCSS for them to re-assess the child support amount.  Back child support was agreed at $13,687.

Now the court papers have to be filed.  My lawyer said that it should be rejected at least once.  Eventually it will be accepted.  I'll get the finalized dissolution paperwork in the mail.  And he will marry her.

New day.  New life.

I felt confident, calm.  I did not cry.  Not once.  Not before, during, or after.   I haven't cried since.  Good riddance.  What an unpleasant man.

Productivity

It's amazing how much more I get done (and how much more productive I feel) when I have gotten a decent night's sleep.  Last night I went to bed around 9:30pm. Parker woke up 2 or 3 times, but Janey was really only up once (not until 5:15!).  The second time it was wake-up time around 6:20, so it doesn't count.

Got everyone dressed and ready.  Dropped off Hattie & Jason, back home to pick up Derek's homework folder, dropped off Derek. To the bank, then drop off Breanna.  Home and laundry, and mop the floor, etc., etc.

Now I'd like to get some blogging done.  Lot's to say.

My Side of the Story.

If you are just now reading my blog for the first time, please (if nothing else) go back and read two posts, for me. They will give you a concise picture of "my perspective" and my role in my divorce. There are many other posts that I love - particularly those about my kids - but these two give the story of my break up, from my side.

First Read - "A Timeline and a Testimony..."
http://amberandthekids.blogspot.com/2010/12/timeline-and-testimony-in-case-you-are.html?zx=6fba51534a72cd26

Next Read - "Indiana"
http://amberandthekids.blogspot.com/2011/01/indiana.html

If you haven't read these two, then you haven't got a full picture of what I've been through emotionally. Truthfully there are many, many more that I could point you to. :-)

Thanks!! <3<3<3

Progress not Perfection

I still spend a lot of time and energy thinking about my husband. I wish I didn't. I wish I could just let it all go, move on, forget the pain, forget what could have been. Ah, it is so frustrating.

The truth is I spend a lot of my thoughts on contemplating what went wrong. What on earth went so very wrong in my marriage? Am I just a terrible person who ruined the most wonderful thing I had in my life? I find that hard to believe. Most of the time. Sometimes, I want to believe I deserve every painful moment I endure, but really, I know better. I did not have the perfect life.

My husband loved me. He really, truly loved me, and for that I feel extremely guilty. I know that what I did to him, the ways that I hurt him, devastated him to his core. I wish I could change that, but I can't. Our marriage, however, was not perfect. He was in no way the perfect husband or father. He was completely incapable of meeting my emotional needs. Our relationship was based on the idea that we both wanted it to be perfect and happy, but neither of us really understood what it took to make that happen. Maybe my needs were greater than he could handle. Maybe I didn't know what they were or how to communicate them. I have certainly learned a lot about my "issues" in the past year and a lot about my insecurities. I see so much more clearly how Rick and I played into each others' insecurities to perpetuate the myth that was our "perfect" family. I see him doing it again with his "new" wife. It scares me. For their sake, and for the sake of our children. He thinks he's "finally" setting the example of a great loving relationship, but in reality he is re-creating what we had with someone else. They will have their own problems. It is sad.


As I gain insight, confidence, and understanding of what happened in my own relationship, it gets me thinking about the future. What do I want in a future relationship? What do I need for my kids, myself, my family as it now stands? How does a woman find the one to fill that space in this situation? How does he find us?

So many people have told me, and continue to tell me "Don't Settle." I'll be honest in that I don't really know what that means. If any of you do, please tell me, I am still trying to learn...

Lies.

"Your Mom could afford to live out here near us, but she just won't."

Mom can't afford to live anywhere on NO child support.

"I pay the government and the government pays your mom."

That's news. Funny how I haven't received anything. If you're paying the government you just started last week...

"Your Mom puts Janey in size 4 diapers because she doesn't want to change her diaper as often."

OMG. Jane weighs 29 lbs. Size 3 goes up to 28 lbs, and size 4 starts at 22 lbs.
Parker weighs 20 lbs. Size 1 (Daddy's choice) goes up to 14 lbs. Seriously?

Painful

Every time I let myself get caught up in what I did, the hurt I caused, how Rick must have felt, it totally devastates me. I don't know if anyone understands just how much it pains me to think about how much I damaged my husband with my choices. It is easy for me to blame myself for everything that was wrong everything that is wrong with our marriage, our family, but it is not true.

My therapist reminded me last week (since we've addressed this before) that I let myself hurt emotionally because a part of me thinks I deserve it. A big part. Most of me. I want so badly to believe that I am a terrible person who doesn't deserve happiness, doesn't deserve to be loved. It is very very difficult to overcome these feelings of self doubt. Some days are good. Today is not.

I believe I actually torture myself with thoughts of how "things could be different" how things "should" be different. Literal torture. It is physically painful the hurt I cause for myself. And deep down I know it will never show him how sorry I am. It will never be enough to save our family, save my marriage.

I don't want him back. I really don't. I had such a strong week. So many reminders that this is a better path. So many confirmations that my future is so much brighter than my present, IF I persevere in truth and faith. But it is hard not to regret the loss of that eternal family I imagined. I know those blessings are still there. I know we will be okay, but it hurts so much. Every day. Especially today.

I am still struggling. I wish I wasn't, but I am. I am still married. I wish I wasn't, but I am.

Today

I posted the entire interaction because I want to make very clear how imperfect I am. I know that I am angry. I recognize that I poke and prod at every opportunity. I hope that urge will lessen as more time passes. Once we are divorced. Partly, I'm just tired of still caring... Caring about him, his rejection, his choices, his future, what he's doing... So I have to remind myself that he doesn't care about me. Mission accomplished. And, fortunately, I couldn't be more disgusted (or satisfied) with the person he has proven himself to be.

I am sorry if those emails are hard to read. They are hard for me to read, and to share, but they are true. They are the whole story, unabridged.

A Particularly Angry Day

11:28am *************
Dear Rick, I am still attempting to get the Findings and Order from April filed with DCSS so that they can enforce the support that has been ordered. My attorney contacted Bret Wishart's office last week and he is unable to respond until after the holiday weekend. You are, of course, welcome to contribute to our children's support at any time. Obviously, you've learned that it is much easier and there are no consequences (or at least delayed consequences) to doing nothing. Dad of the Year. Thank you, Amber

1:31pm *************
I called the dcss and they said to pay them not you. The only court order that was made in April was only for time share of children not support. So ill pay them. Rick

2:05pm *************
Dear Rick, We both know support was ordered in April. DCSS just can't enforce it yet. You've already admitted that you currently owe over $10,000. Since you CAN'T pay it to them, you should be paying me directly in order to take care of your financial responsibility. Convenient excuses and loopholes will only delay the inevitable. In the meantime, you're NOT EVEN TRYING to contribute to the support of our children. Your new family, however, is doing just fine. Having visits with your kids makes you one up on your own Father, it doesn't make you a decent Dad. Guess Norah will get 100% while Hattie, Jason, Derek, Breanna, Jane and Parker will settle for splitting 30%. Oh wait, Parker has been settling for 0%. Thank you, Amber

1:56pm *************
The children have everything they need. It's you who wants the $ talk to dcss and figureit out. If you asked the kids where they want to live they want to be here. Here is there home with all there things. Not at grandma's house and a storage unit. If you would have sold all that stuff and saved the cost of the unit you could move out. How's working for MK your step dad and selling your food stamps. Food and help from the church I'm sure your bf likes all the stuff you get him. In all the years of working I barely spent $600 on gas. I'm not saying this to be mean I'm just saying this is what you created. I have no problem communicating with you as long as you leave out your negative comments or opinions. They don't help us or the children. I don't need therapy or a class to be polite or work together about the kids. So please leave out you putdowns or negative judgements they don't help the kids. One last thing I don't get into your business when the kids are with you but letting your boyfriend take our daughter to the movies is "inappropriate" you should know considering your history. Be more wise and protect your children better. Thanks, Rick

2:24pm *************
The children have what my parents provide. If they want to live there, go ahead and try for custody. I'm sure your decision to move 60 miles away and not pay support will help tons. Their "child support" is paying for what they have there. You have no idea what happens here, so don't bother with YOUR judgements. The kids do not want to live with you and your pretend wife. This is now what you've created. All of it. I tried to make it right. I did and am still doing everything I can. Ignoring church leaders because you "know better" certainly proves that you are in the right! Go, Follow the Spirit to the temple with her. I know what I've done and am doing right and wrong. You've destroyed this family that ABSOLUTELY COULD HAVE BEEN REPAIRED. At least it could have gone differently. But YOU DID EXACTLY WHAT I DID AND TOOK IT EVEN FURTHER!! The kids call Brian my boyfriend because it helps them make sense of your relationship with Carolyn. Simple as that. Anything else is none of your business (to use your favorite phrase.) As long as you insist on being an asshole, things will stay the same. You do need therapy. Alone and with me. For the sake of the kids... Ask Bret why we aren't divorced yet. I signed your "Settlement" a month ago. Tick-tock, still waiting. Doesn't he know you have to make your relationship "okay in the eyes of God"... by getting a quickie marriage? (WOW. Doesn't that sound familiar?) Thank you, Amber

3:02pm *************
Dcss can't enforce payment until they recieve the court order. To be turned in by you since you haven't turned it in to them I tried and found out I could have sent them the money and should send it to them so from now on they will get the $ as for my new family they pay their way Norah's mother and grandparents help out any way th ey can and that is none of your business what goes on in this house does not concern you I figured out how to live off of what is left over after I send to dcss quit begging for money I refuse to pay you anything. Dcss will take care of it. I will not discuss this any more.

3:44pm *************
Dear Rick, I love how you change the subject whenever your lies no longer make sense. You're a deadbeat. Your kids will always adore you, and seek your approval, since you've replaced them already. But as adults they will see you for what you are. Every choice you've made is in your interest and hurts them. Have a nice life. Enjoy your "eternity". Thank you, Amber