I met with my lawyer yesterday. It was much harder than I imagined it would be. Just like getting served with divorce papers. I thought I'd be able to handle it - I mean, I was expecting it at some point, really - but it hit me hard. So meeting with the lawyer to sign my papers for my "Response" was emotional. I cried. In the office. And the whole way home. I so do NOT want to be doing this. At all.
I take comfort in knowing that my heart is true in my intentions to save my family. I love my husband. I have hurt him immensely (and am currently being hurt by him immensely), but I do love him. I would do anything to take away what I've done. Anything to fix what I've broken. Anything to prove myself, earn the love and trust I so sincerely desire. It's a powerless state. And he is just angry. He is making decisions from his anger. He's unwilling to even consider reconciling for one second. It is devastating and frustrating. But I am 100% positive that I am following the path Heavenly Father has presented to me. I am following the Spirit. I have no doubt. And I know, without question, that Rick and I CAN put our marriage, our family, back together. If he so chose. He can love me again. We can be happy together. I believe it is what our children deserve. He just has to want it too. Right now, he doesn't.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
A timeline. And a testimony. In case you are interested.
I haven't posted since February. With good reason.
During mid-April I began having an affair. A person from my past; It lasted about 5-6 weeks, mostly on the internet, with 2 meetings in person. Yes, there was "indiscretion". I am not proud of myself. I am deeply ashamed. But I am not going to pretend to be the innocent victim in this, given the current state of my family and relationship.
(As a side note, Rick started working again April 29.)
June 5 I found out I was pregnant. Yes, I am 99% certain it is Rick's baby since (after finding out about the pregnancy) his vasectomy was confirmed NOT CLEAR. He is officially completely fertile again/still. I am technically due Feb 9, 2011. However, given my birthing history, I will most likely deliver this baby by the end of January. That gives me about 6 weeks or so.
On Tuesday, June 8, after a (long) meeting with my bishop I decided to confess the affair to Rick and try to save/fix/commit to my marriage. Rick was initially on board with this plan.
June 13, I was disfellowshiped.
June 18, due to the emotional turmoil (constant roller coaster of fights, blame, desperation) in our household, I asked for a separation for us each to get ourselves together. My goal was (at that time) for us to come back once we had each gotten things straight in our minds and hearts. Rick began spending 3-4 nights per week in Brea at a family friend's house and in Glendale doing side work.
June 26, After Rick outed me/us on facebook we both agreed that maybe we weren't going to be able to save our marriage. We started talking divorce. For real.
July 11, The official move out of the house. Convenient timing on the short sale coinciding with our separation. I moved into my parents. Rick continued to stay (mostly) in Brea.
Over the next 2.5 months, we lived our own lives. Rick had the kids every weekend during the summer and on Wednesday nights. When school started we switched visits to every other weekend. We were both still certain that we wanted the divorce, but I could see how hard it was on the kids and began to ask him if there wasn't something else we could do? Could we just try? Had we really exhausted all options? Rick resisted even these (admittedly feeble) attempts, until Sept 21 - he sensed more sincerity in me, and maybe listened for a brief moment. It didn't last, and his resistance returned with vigor.
September 25, I had what I like to call a "change of heart" or perhaps a spiritual awakening. I woke up that day and it was the first time I felt truly, thoroughly, repentant. I felt the sorrow, anguish and hurt that I had caused my family. My heart broke for what I had done (not just with the affair, but with many of the choices I made throughout our marriage - being "distracted" was common practice and had been a problem for many, many years) to our family and to my husband. I felt that God had touched my heart and was insisting that I fight for my family. So much time had passed... but I was given hope and inspiration from the spirit.
My Facebook account was the center/heart of my affair and also the cause of much hurt to Rick. After I ended the affair, I entered a deep depression and used Facebook to emote. Many noticed my melancholy and showed concern for me, and I/we would explain my depression by blaming the pregnancy. However, this was torturous to Rick since he knew I was lamenting the loss of a "love" who wasn't him, and it was so unfair that he was put in the position to protect my "secret" after I had already hurt and betrayed him. I believe this was a large factor in his decision to use Facebook to hurt me back (on June 25th). Therefore, I canceled my FB account on Sept 25th, but then lamely reactivated it to solicit prayer requests for our family. I felt that the prayers that I had been requesting from my FB friends had entirely facilitated my change of heart. After much deliberation, I canceled FB for good on Sept 30.
Since that day (Sept 25) I have done, said, been everything that I could possibly do say or be to try to show Rick that I have changed, that I love him, that I would do anything to make our family work. He has not once been willing to accept any of my attempts. He ignores most all statements (mostly via text) I make regarding a hope or a belief in our family. He has grasped onto a vision (version?) of me that is evil, manipulative, and dishonest - with no regard for the woman he once loved, or for the realities of my good and bad qualities. No regard for my acknowledgement of my own imperfections and my desire to change and improve myself.
December 6th I found out Rick had filed for divorce almost 3 weeks earlier, on November 16th. I was served with our divorce papers that same evening. Being served starts the 6 month waiting period to finalize the dissolution of our marriage. The soonest we will be divorced is June 6, 2011. I still pray we never make it that far. Now begins the process, hearings, support, visitation agreements, etc. Blah, blah, blah.
I do not want to get a divorce from my husband. I want to do whatever it takes to fix my marriage and make/keep our family whole. I have changed. I have improved. I continue to progress - with therapy, with God. All I want now is a chance to put our family back together. A chance for us to begin working together to find love and happiness with each other. I KNOW that it is possible. With God, ALL THINGS are possible. I am the first to admit that I screwed up a lot in our marriage. But I refuse to believe that it was all bad, or that we cannot recover from this. We CAN. I disagree with the decisions that Rick is making for his life (and the lives of our children) right now, but I accept that I don't have any control over him. All I do now (and can do) is take care of my amazing children, read, study, hope, have faith, and pray. Mostly, I pray (well, when I'm not taking care of children!)... I hope that anyone reading this will join me in that effort. Put us in your prayers and/or your fasts. I pray my husband will have a change of heart and choose to start fighting for our eternal family again. I am sure that today he would tell you that he IS fighting for his family, but his eternal family is with ME - not alone, not with anyone else - there is only ONE WAY to fight for it, and that is to fight for our marriage.
During mid-April I began having an affair. A person from my past; It lasted about 5-6 weeks, mostly on the internet, with 2 meetings in person. Yes, there was "indiscretion". I am not proud of myself. I am deeply ashamed. But I am not going to pretend to be the innocent victim in this, given the current state of my family and relationship.
(As a side note, Rick started working again April 29.)
June 5 I found out I was pregnant. Yes, I am 99% certain it is Rick's baby since (after finding out about the pregnancy) his vasectomy was confirmed NOT CLEAR. He is officially completely fertile again/still. I am technically due Feb 9, 2011. However, given my birthing history, I will most likely deliver this baby by the end of January. That gives me about 6 weeks or so.
On Tuesday, June 8, after a (long) meeting with my bishop I decided to confess the affair to Rick and try to save/fix/commit to my marriage. Rick was initially on board with this plan.
June 13, I was disfellowshiped.
June 18, due to the emotional turmoil (constant roller coaster of fights, blame, desperation) in our household, I asked for a separation for us each to get ourselves together. My goal was (at that time) for us to come back once we had each gotten things straight in our minds and hearts. Rick began spending 3-4 nights per week in Brea at a family friend's house and in Glendale doing side work.
June 26, After Rick outed me/us on facebook we both agreed that maybe we weren't going to be able to save our marriage. We started talking divorce. For real.
July 11, The official move out of the house. Convenient timing on the short sale coinciding with our separation. I moved into my parents. Rick continued to stay (mostly) in Brea.
Over the next 2.5 months, we lived our own lives. Rick had the kids every weekend during the summer and on Wednesday nights. When school started we switched visits to every other weekend. We were both still certain that we wanted the divorce, but I could see how hard it was on the kids and began to ask him if there wasn't something else we could do? Could we just try? Had we really exhausted all options? Rick resisted even these (admittedly feeble) attempts, until Sept 21 - he sensed more sincerity in me, and maybe listened for a brief moment. It didn't last, and his resistance returned with vigor.
September 25, I had what I like to call a "change of heart" or perhaps a spiritual awakening. I woke up that day and it was the first time I felt truly, thoroughly, repentant. I felt the sorrow, anguish and hurt that I had caused my family. My heart broke for what I had done (not just with the affair, but with many of the choices I made throughout our marriage - being "distracted" was common practice and had been a problem for many, many years) to our family and to my husband. I felt that God had touched my heart and was insisting that I fight for my family. So much time had passed... but I was given hope and inspiration from the spirit.
My Facebook account was the center/heart of my affair and also the cause of much hurt to Rick. After I ended the affair, I entered a deep depression and used Facebook to emote. Many noticed my melancholy and showed concern for me, and I/we would explain my depression by blaming the pregnancy. However, this was torturous to Rick since he knew I was lamenting the loss of a "love" who wasn't him, and it was so unfair that he was put in the position to protect my "secret" after I had already hurt and betrayed him. I believe this was a large factor in his decision to use Facebook to hurt me back (on June 25th). Therefore, I canceled my FB account on Sept 25th, but then lamely reactivated it to solicit prayer requests for our family. I felt that the prayers that I had been requesting from my FB friends had entirely facilitated my change of heart. After much deliberation, I canceled FB for good on Sept 30.
Since that day (Sept 25) I have done, said, been everything that I could possibly do say or be to try to show Rick that I have changed, that I love him, that I would do anything to make our family work. He has not once been willing to accept any of my attempts. He ignores most all statements (mostly via text) I make regarding a hope or a belief in our family. He has grasped onto a vision (version?) of me that is evil, manipulative, and dishonest - with no regard for the woman he once loved, or for the realities of my good and bad qualities. No regard for my acknowledgement of my own imperfections and my desire to change and improve myself.
December 6th I found out Rick had filed for divorce almost 3 weeks earlier, on November 16th. I was served with our divorce papers that same evening. Being served starts the 6 month waiting period to finalize the dissolution of our marriage. The soonest we will be divorced is June 6, 2011. I still pray we never make it that far. Now begins the process, hearings, support, visitation agreements, etc. Blah, blah, blah.
I do not want to get a divorce from my husband. I want to do whatever it takes to fix my marriage and make/keep our family whole. I have changed. I have improved. I continue to progress - with therapy, with God. All I want now is a chance to put our family back together. A chance for us to begin working together to find love and happiness with each other. I KNOW that it is possible. With God, ALL THINGS are possible. I am the first to admit that I screwed up a lot in our marriage. But I refuse to believe that it was all bad, or that we cannot recover from this. We CAN. I disagree with the decisions that Rick is making for his life (and the lives of our children) right now, but I accept that I don't have any control over him. All I do now (and can do) is take care of my amazing children, read, study, hope, have faith, and pray. Mostly, I pray (well, when I'm not taking care of children!)... I hope that anyone reading this will join me in that effort. Put us in your prayers and/or your fasts. I pray my husband will have a change of heart and choose to start fighting for our eternal family again. I am sure that today he would tell you that he IS fighting for his family, but his eternal family is with ME - not alone, not with anyone else - there is only ONE WAY to fight for it, and that is to fight for our marriage.
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