Gosh, I want to have something to say. And I have a lot of thoughts running through my head, but I'm not sure what to address.
Therapy with the kids today. Hattie doesn't like that Brian disciplines them when they misbehave. Interesting. "Brian should be nicer, like Carolyn." Haha. Brian is possibly the nicest person I know. Turns out, Carolyn doesn't discipline the kids. She only disciplines Norah. Makes sense, then, that she is SUPER DUPER NICE.
Jason says he "always hurts people's feelings" when he's at his dad's house. Specifically, he was referring to a time that he "hurt Carolyn's feelings without knowing it." Dad came to him and told him that he had hurt her feelings. Jason had to apologize, but he "didn't think she actually forgave" him. What was his sin??? He asked her "Why do you always wear sweatshirts?" He still does not understand why he got in trouble for that, AND she never answered him...
Hattie says she'd much rather have Carolyn as a stepmom than have Brian as a stepdad. Jason says he'd much rather have Brian as a stepdad than have Carolyn as a stepmom. Interesting.
Of course, this is all from the perspective of a 10 and 7 year old. What do they know?
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Spies
Why are my ex-husband's friends STILL reading my blog? He has made it clear to me that he is NOT INTERESTED in whatever I might have to say. So, if he's not listening to their "spin" of my posts, then what is "in it" for them? If you care about my family, why were you not supportive of our temple marriage, when I was trying to repent of my wrongs? Why do you not recognize the people who are ACTUALLY TAKING CARE OF our children, physically and financially right now??? Once again (still) I find it strange that these people do not communicate with me directly, are in full support of Rick and his "new wife/life" but somehow are nosey enough to read my blog on a daily basis. So sad.
Partner
I can be attracted to someone, see their good qualities, want to help them succeed and achieve, but that does not make them appropriate to be my partner.
Deciding to end a relationship based on what is best for me, my family, our future is still sad, difficult, devastating.
I am in mourning today, but your response has only strengthened my decision. Your attacks have only shown that it is time for me to stop waiting, start moving forward. Stop limiting my own progress, start ahead unencumbered.
I don't have to settle. I am worthy of all I desire.
Deciding to end a relationship based on what is best for me, my family, our future is still sad, difficult, devastating.
I am in mourning today, but your response has only strengthened my decision. Your attacks have only shown that it is time for me to stop waiting, start moving forward. Stop limiting my own progress, start ahead unencumbered.
I don't have to settle. I am worthy of all I desire.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Doubt
You doubted me, so I began to doubt myself (again.) We doubted my ability to change, to be different, to be more and better than I have ever been. Self-doubt leads to self-abusive thoughts. Maybe Rick is right. Maybe he's been right all along...
I stop myself before I head too far into the chasm that is my nihilistic self. Remember your anchor; Remember your God! I am everything I hope to be. I can be anything I choose to be. Good, bad, right, wrong, happy, unhappy. God is in control, not you, not that other guy, not even me.
Word of Wisdom for today...
I stop myself before I head too far into the chasm that is my nihilistic self. Remember your anchor; Remember your God! I am everything I hope to be. I can be anything I choose to be. Good, bad, right, wrong, happy, unhappy. God is in control, not you, not that other guy, not even me.
Word of Wisdom for today...
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Some days
I struggle to find something profound to say when I am neither on an emotional high or an emotional low. Fact is, some days are just days where I am trudging through just like everyone else. Well, maybe not JUST LIKE everyone else, but you get the idea.
I'm tired today. Last night was NOT a good night for sleep, as I found myself getting up with Paco (twice), Breanna, AND Jane at different points of the night. Somehow, I was up the entire hour between 3:30 and 4:30. Six AM came quickly, and I'm pretty sure none of us wanted to get moving today. Some days are just like that.
I got the three biggest to school and upon arriving at Breanna's preschool, realized she was without shoes. She just hadn't put any on. Back home and she ended up going to school with two right feet. I am not kidding. They were both black "church shoes" but totally mismatched. Some days are just like that.
Back home for a bit and then off to the new house to deliver a check to the plumber. In the meantime I had to straighten up the house as much as I could since it is cleaning lady day. Dropped the check, got the invoice, checked out the new pipes (whoohoo) and decided to try a stab at our Thursday playdate with the girls from church. Every Thursday at 11:30 they meet at McDonald's. I brought Janey and Parker, knowing that I had only a short while before I had to pick up my middles at noon. No one from church was there. Ten minutes later, one girl showed up with her two babies. Two little girls, each a little older than my two babies. Nice. I got to have a quick chat with a sweet girl who is at a completely different stage of life than me. It was fascinating in a way. I almost couldn't wrap my mind around it. Took me back to who I was at 24 - where in my life, where in my marriage. Kind of twilight zone-y.
Picked up the kids (a little late) and back here for lunch and here's hoping that the cleaning ladies do not show up until well after 4:00pm. They aren't here yet, so I'm feeling optimistic, but who knows? Rick is supposed to pick up the kids at 5 for his weekday visit (the boys are starting basketball which interferes with Wednesday nights) and then I need to go visit my Meme in the hospital. I was hoping I'd get to see Brian for a little bit tonight, but that is not looking likely at this point. Oh well. Some days are just like that.
Still wishing that my ex and his wife would parent WITH me COOPERATIVELY, but I am still powerless (imagine that!) This is just my life.
I'm tired today. Last night was NOT a good night for sleep, as I found myself getting up with Paco (twice), Breanna, AND Jane at different points of the night. Somehow, I was up the entire hour between 3:30 and 4:30. Six AM came quickly, and I'm pretty sure none of us wanted to get moving today. Some days are just like that.
I got the three biggest to school and upon arriving at Breanna's preschool, realized she was without shoes. She just hadn't put any on. Back home and she ended up going to school with two right feet. I am not kidding. They were both black "church shoes" but totally mismatched. Some days are just like that.
Back home for a bit and then off to the new house to deliver a check to the plumber. In the meantime I had to straighten up the house as much as I could since it is cleaning lady day. Dropped the check, got the invoice, checked out the new pipes (whoohoo) and decided to try a stab at our Thursday playdate with the girls from church. Every Thursday at 11:30 they meet at McDonald's. I brought Janey and Parker, knowing that I had only a short while before I had to pick up my middles at noon. No one from church was there. Ten minutes later, one girl showed up with her two babies. Two little girls, each a little older than my two babies. Nice. I got to have a quick chat with a sweet girl who is at a completely different stage of life than me. It was fascinating in a way. I almost couldn't wrap my mind around it. Took me back to who I was at 24 - where in my life, where in my marriage. Kind of twilight zone-y.
Picked up the kids (a little late) and back here for lunch and here's hoping that the cleaning ladies do not show up until well after 4:00pm. They aren't here yet, so I'm feeling optimistic, but who knows? Rick is supposed to pick up the kids at 5 for his weekday visit (the boys are starting basketball which interferes with Wednesday nights) and then I need to go visit my Meme in the hospital. I was hoping I'd get to see Brian for a little bit tonight, but that is not looking likely at this point. Oh well. Some days are just like that.
Still wishing that my ex and his wife would parent WITH me COOPERATIVELY, but I am still powerless (imagine that!) This is just my life.
Big sister
Had therapy and also took my babies to therapy today. Hattie and Jason seem to still have a lot of anger they're working through.
Big breakthrough with my sweet Hattie today. She us hurting because Breanna seems to like Norah better than her. The therapist and I suggested that perhaps Hattie wanted to make a greater effort to strengthen her relationship with Breanna (talking to, playing with, and teaching her) and then Breanna might respond positively. We are all combating the baby-talk with Breanna these days...
Immediately after we got home from our meeting Hattie began making an OBVIOUS effort just to be NICER to Breanna. She pushed her little sister on the swings and showed her how to pump her legs. She comforted when Breanna accidentally got kicked. I couldn't have been more proud of my girls. It is such a joy to watch the children get along!
Big breakthrough with my sweet Hattie today. She us hurting because Breanna seems to like Norah better than her. The therapist and I suggested that perhaps Hattie wanted to make a greater effort to strengthen her relationship with Breanna (talking to, playing with, and teaching her) and then Breanna might respond positively. We are all combating the baby-talk with Breanna these days...
Immediately after we got home from our meeting Hattie began making an OBVIOUS effort just to be NICER to Breanna. She pushed her little sister on the swings and showed her how to pump her legs. She comforted when Breanna accidentally got kicked. I couldn't have been more proud of my girls. It is such a joy to watch the children get along!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Whew!
What a crazy emotional ride I'm capable of taking. Yesterday was all over the map, and I really liked the way my brother Drew summed it up by telling me that feelings can be true, but that doesn't make them "truth." I guess I really just tried to publicize why Rick got SO angry at me that he was unable to find his way back. I don't want anyone to think I'm just trying to play victim or evoke sympathy. I honestly do "get" both sides of this equation.
Another sound piece of advice my (insightful) brother Drew imparted involved focusing more attention, worry, and sincere concern on my current relationship. Brian has (admittedly) already put up with some pretty wacky emotional behavior on my part. How much can I really expect HIM to endure at this point? And I respect that. Drew is absolutely right. But (and even Brian said this to me last night) he has never been divorced. And maybe that's how I managed to find such a great, patient, understanding guy. He's been there. Last March, our relationship started as purely a supportive friendship. He understood what I was going through, felt my passion, empathized with my despair. He's stuck with me through so much. I'm so grateful he isn't willing to give up on me or on us.
Therapy was good again today. I told him all about yesterday, the drama, the blog, Facebook... I explained how it all started, how it progressed, and how I worked my way through it. My healing process, it turns out, is very interactive. I learn a great deal about myself (in these emotional 'moments') through the feedback I receive both here (in the form of comments) and on Facebook.
Both the positive and negative feedback help me to work through my "issues" and find my way back to where I need to be. So, thank you (all) for your continued input -both for and against my choices. I accept both support and criticism as long as you are willing to put your name on your words. I am NOT anonymous. You need not be either.
REFOCUS:
Strengthen my relationship with God so that I can more naturally, more easily, more readily anchor to Him.
<3
Another sound piece of advice my (insightful) brother Drew imparted involved focusing more attention, worry, and sincere concern on my current relationship. Brian has (admittedly) already put up with some pretty wacky emotional behavior on my part. How much can I really expect HIM to endure at this point? And I respect that. Drew is absolutely right. But (and even Brian said this to me last night) he has never been divorced. And maybe that's how I managed to find such a great, patient, understanding guy. He's been there. Last March, our relationship started as purely a supportive friendship. He understood what I was going through, felt my passion, empathized with my despair. He's stuck with me through so much. I'm so grateful he isn't willing to give up on me or on us.
Therapy was good again today. I told him all about yesterday, the drama, the blog, Facebook... I explained how it all started, how it progressed, and how I worked my way through it. My healing process, it turns out, is very interactive. I learn a great deal about myself (in these emotional 'moments') through the feedback I receive both here (in the form of comments) and on Facebook.
Both the positive and negative feedback help me to work through my "issues" and find my way back to where I need to be. So, thank you (all) for your continued input -both for and against my choices. I accept both support and criticism as long as you are willing to put your name on your words. I am NOT anonymous. You need not be either.
REFOCUS:
Strengthen my relationship with God so that I can more naturally, more easily, more readily anchor to Him.
<3
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Unnecessary Roughness
I had no need to post that last post. I am not going to delete it. What's done is done, but it is all part of me working through everything I am going through. It was overkill. I got weak. I decided to cater to another hurtful thing that Rick had said to me, rather than focus on the good, happy, wonderful things that are in my life right now. My post was purposely skewed to favor Rick's perspective. I didn't want anyone to be able to accuse me of being dishonest. I tried to present "his truth" and I think it may have backfired. He won't tell me "his truth" so why do I feel the need to address it at all? He just attacks and attacks, why do I feel the need to try to defend myself or even hurt myself more? Besides, I'm sure that ultimately he will find a reason to use that last post against me somehow. It doesn't matter what I do or say, he will think it is wrong.
So, the only reasons I could possibly regret writing that last post are as follows: 1.) I was jumping to Rick's whistle, and that is no longer necessary in my life. 2.) There is no need for my children to ever know or read those facts. 3.) Those details, made public (although privately shared at previous occasions) could potentially hurt my current relationship.
However, those details, either public OR private do not in any way justify the choices that have been made by my children's father. Every right or wrong thing he has done to me and to them has been HIS CHOICE. Maybe I'm trying to own my choices so that he will own his? I need to let go of that.
So, the only reasons I could possibly regret writing that last post are as follows: 1.) I was jumping to Rick's whistle, and that is no longer necessary in my life. 2.) There is no need for my children to ever know or read those facts. 3.) Those details, made public (although privately shared at previous occasions) could potentially hurt my current relationship.
However, those details, either public OR private do not in any way justify the choices that have been made by my children's father. Every right or wrong thing he has done to me and to them has been HIS CHOICE. Maybe I'm trying to own my choices so that he will own his? I need to let go of that.
Infidelity/Dirty Laundry.
After years of flirting with temptation, I eventually had a real life, full blown affair. Now, let's be honest. I am a terrible liar. I technically had this affair over the course of less than 6 weeks. When I got pregnant with Parker, I was already at my emotional limits with the stress, and the confusion, and the guilt. The pregnancy sent me over the top, and the confession followed quickly after I realized there was another baby coming. What I'd like to explore here is why things happened the way they did. Rick has accused me of NOT telling the "whole truth" here in the blog. I am not sure what he means (because he is never specific with me) but I am going to try very hard to get through it all and provide the full reveal. In case you all thought I was sugar-coating the truth in my favor... I'm just not sure what I haven't told.
I believe my husband always wanted to trust me but never did. A short while (weeks) after we got married, I had run into an old boyfriend on my lunch break. He had suggested that maybe we go get lunch and I told him I had to ask my husband. When I brought it up with Rick, he said he was not comfortable with the idea, and the matter was closed. I did not see that person ever again. Within months I was at a new job and found myself attracted to other men. Flirting has always come naturally to me, so I encouraged the attention as much as I could, but remained faithful to my husband. I think I wanted to feel that excitement. I have heard about "love" or "romance" addictions and I wonder now if maybe that is/was my problem. Within a year, I was at another new job, and although I found my mind wandering, it was never to the point of pursuing any type of relationship. We started having children (Hattie) and I stopped working, and we eventually moved to Menifee.
When the Menifee house was almost ready, we went and visited it. I was 8 months pregnant with Jason, and it turned out that the neighbors across the street were just moving in. Three single guys, and the first second I saw Todd, I was completely smitten. February 15, 2004. Literally 8 months pregnant. A month later we moved in, I gave birth to my second child, and my family began to grow. I found myself obsessing over the neighbor across the street. I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to see him, I fantasized about him. That summer, the neighbors on the entire street would have block parties and hang out and I loved having the opportunity to spend time with Todd. It was ridiculous. It was embarrassing. I was shameless. I talked about my "Todd" temptation and flirtation with Rick, trying to make sense of it, but I/we never could. Rick was always patient and loving. He held me when I felt emotionally weak. I guess at that point I wasn't even anchoring in Rick, I was anchoring in the IDEA of Todd. Scary how insecure and fragile I turned out to be. Truth was that Todd would only really pay attention to me when he was drunk, and nothing ever really happened between us. (Sad that that turned out to be "enough" for me at the time.) I think my desperate housewife, pathetic crush turned out to be too much, and he just decided to start ignoring me. I was, eventually, heartbroken, and Rick picked up the pieces.
Fast forward. 2007. Breanna was born in May, and we moved to Reno in September. 5 months in Reno with 4 kids. Then Rick in Texas for 4 months. I started going to the gym and lost 25 pounds. I had a personal trainer (Casey) who became my latest "victim" of obsessive crushing. I flirted shamelessly and was, again, resisted/rejected. Conversations with Rick about Casey made him jealous, but did not ever change my behavior or my desire. Over time, I became more and more desperate, and eventually I got the hint that he just wasn't interested in fulfilling this intense emotional need that I had. Again, I was crushed. Again Rick picked up the pieces. He held me and loved me through his broken heart.
2008. The beginning of the end of my marriage. I was lost and lonely and began looking (ACTIVELY) for someone to have an affair with. It was completely irrational. I "thought" I was happy in my marriage, but that I had this crazy need for attention. I joined an internet site to meet people and ended up meeting two different men. I tried to be obsessed with either of them. I met with Eddie once and tried to set up another meeting. I got caught beginning a "chat" with him one night and everything I had been doing blew up in my face. Rick completely flipped out. He punched holes in the wall. He punched a mirror (when we moved out of the Menifee house, there was still blood spatter on the back of our bedroom door) and threatened suicide. I was a bitch. I told him he was acting pathetic, feeling sorry for himself, and that threatening to kill him self was the most victim thing he could ever do. He was cornered in the bathroom, and I stood in his way. He picked me up by the shoulders and tossed me across the bathroom about 5 feet. I tripped over a hamper and got a terrible scratch/bruise on my leg. I was PISSED. He always had a violent temper (holes in the walls were not new) but he had never laid a hand on me. I asked him if I should leave, if I should call my mother or call the police. I told him I would never be "that girl" - the one who stayed... He never laid a hand on me again. His temper became more subdued overall, but more EXPLOSIVE. His patience with the children all but disappeared. Our relationship, marriage, family, was never the same.
End of 2008, I met Ross - the bar owner - and started in on a new crush. I was becoming more desperate, more bold. I actively pursued the possibility of having an affair. I really wanted to get this guy to sleep with me, but despite my best efforts he resisted. I think I always picked "good" guys knowing that they would never be with a married woman. The Ross obsession lasted several months, with many many trips to the bar for karaoke. I never drank, but I would just flirt, be social, and obsess over Ross. I still insisted my marriage was happy, and never realized that happily married women do NOT behave this way... Beginning of 2009, I am pregnant again (this time with Jane) and still obsessing over Ross. By that Summer I was getting over my Ross crush and finally intent on doing whatever it took to meet my husbands needs. I thought that if I bent over backwards to please him, that he would eventually begin to meet my needs. I cleaned house, took care of kids, homeschooled. It wasn't enough. It was too late, but I didn't realize it then. Rick was already gone. At one point in our therapy session, he told the therapist he just "couldn't" give to me anymore. He wanted to, and he tried, but the desire just wasn't in him any more. I SINCERELY wish he would have left me then. He lost his job for good in November 2009.
It was the next January that I went to our timeshare for a few days "getaway" and decided to have a one-night-stand. I thought I needed to prove something to myself. I wanted to feel important, validated, valued. I thought having sex with someone who was "young" and "hot" would give me what I needed. I did it. It didn't work. I regretted it immediately and went back to my family thinking that the "cheating" was behind me. But, apparently, I still was unhappy.
It wasn't until March that I began sensing that a Facebook "friendship" was perhaps something more. By April, I was back in obsessive mode. His name was Chris. Mid-April, I took the Vegas trip with the girls. No, Chris was not there. He did not go to Vegas that weekend, but it was that weekend he overtook my mind. This time, the guy was married, so it suddenly felt like the perfect scenario. Our emails and instant message chats suddenly got very intimate. Within two weeks he told me he loved me. I felt loved. I believed him. I can remember him telling me at one point that the only way this would work is if I believed him. I had to always believe him. I'm not sure now what that means. We met up (and had sex) twice. Looking back, it was physically very unfulfilling, but I felt so empty emotionally that the emotional connection was enough for me. May 17. I knew I was fertile that week. I had sex with Chris. I had sex with Rick. Things with Rick were going great because I always had Chris on my mind. We met up the second time on May 28. Like I said, looking back, it's all rather pathetic, but at the time I was completely enthralled.
On June 5, I found out I was pregnant. The rest of the story has been chronicled in this blog beginning December, 2010. I will eventually tell the rest of the story of Chris, but for now, this is my cathartic confession.
I believe my husband always wanted to trust me but never did. A short while (weeks) after we got married, I had run into an old boyfriend on my lunch break. He had suggested that maybe we go get lunch and I told him I had to ask my husband. When I brought it up with Rick, he said he was not comfortable with the idea, and the matter was closed. I did not see that person ever again. Within months I was at a new job and found myself attracted to other men. Flirting has always come naturally to me, so I encouraged the attention as much as I could, but remained faithful to my husband. I think I wanted to feel that excitement. I have heard about "love" or "romance" addictions and I wonder now if maybe that is/was my problem. Within a year, I was at another new job, and although I found my mind wandering, it was never to the point of pursuing any type of relationship. We started having children (Hattie) and I stopped working, and we eventually moved to Menifee.
When the Menifee house was almost ready, we went and visited it. I was 8 months pregnant with Jason, and it turned out that the neighbors across the street were just moving in. Three single guys, and the first second I saw Todd, I was completely smitten. February 15, 2004. Literally 8 months pregnant. A month later we moved in, I gave birth to my second child, and my family began to grow. I found myself obsessing over the neighbor across the street. I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to see him, I fantasized about him. That summer, the neighbors on the entire street would have block parties and hang out and I loved having the opportunity to spend time with Todd. It was ridiculous. It was embarrassing. I was shameless. I talked about my "Todd" temptation and flirtation with Rick, trying to make sense of it, but I/we never could. Rick was always patient and loving. He held me when I felt emotionally weak. I guess at that point I wasn't even anchoring in Rick, I was anchoring in the IDEA of Todd. Scary how insecure and fragile I turned out to be. Truth was that Todd would only really pay attention to me when he was drunk, and nothing ever really happened between us. (Sad that that turned out to be "enough" for me at the time.) I think my desperate housewife, pathetic crush turned out to be too much, and he just decided to start ignoring me. I was, eventually, heartbroken, and Rick picked up the pieces.
Fast forward. 2007. Breanna was born in May, and we moved to Reno in September. 5 months in Reno with 4 kids. Then Rick in Texas for 4 months. I started going to the gym and lost 25 pounds. I had a personal trainer (Casey) who became my latest "victim" of obsessive crushing. I flirted shamelessly and was, again, resisted/rejected. Conversations with Rick about Casey made him jealous, but did not ever change my behavior or my desire. Over time, I became more and more desperate, and eventually I got the hint that he just wasn't interested in fulfilling this intense emotional need that I had. Again, I was crushed. Again Rick picked up the pieces. He held me and loved me through his broken heart.
2008. The beginning of the end of my marriage. I was lost and lonely and began looking (ACTIVELY) for someone to have an affair with. It was completely irrational. I "thought" I was happy in my marriage, but that I had this crazy need for attention. I joined an internet site to meet people and ended up meeting two different men. I tried to be obsessed with either of them. I met with Eddie once and tried to set up another meeting. I got caught beginning a "chat" with him one night and everything I had been doing blew up in my face. Rick completely flipped out. He punched holes in the wall. He punched a mirror (when we moved out of the Menifee house, there was still blood spatter on the back of our bedroom door) and threatened suicide. I was a bitch. I told him he was acting pathetic, feeling sorry for himself, and that threatening to kill him self was the most victim thing he could ever do. He was cornered in the bathroom, and I stood in his way. He picked me up by the shoulders and tossed me across the bathroom about 5 feet. I tripped over a hamper and got a terrible scratch/bruise on my leg. I was PISSED. He always had a violent temper (holes in the walls were not new) but he had never laid a hand on me. I asked him if I should leave, if I should call my mother or call the police. I told him I would never be "that girl" - the one who stayed... He never laid a hand on me again. His temper became more subdued overall, but more EXPLOSIVE. His patience with the children all but disappeared. Our relationship, marriage, family, was never the same.
End of 2008, I met Ross - the bar owner - and started in on a new crush. I was becoming more desperate, more bold. I actively pursued the possibility of having an affair. I really wanted to get this guy to sleep with me, but despite my best efforts he resisted. I think I always picked "good" guys knowing that they would never be with a married woman. The Ross obsession lasted several months, with many many trips to the bar for karaoke. I never drank, but I would just flirt, be social, and obsess over Ross. I still insisted my marriage was happy, and never realized that happily married women do NOT behave this way... Beginning of 2009, I am pregnant again (this time with Jane) and still obsessing over Ross. By that Summer I was getting over my Ross crush and finally intent on doing whatever it took to meet my husbands needs. I thought that if I bent over backwards to please him, that he would eventually begin to meet my needs. I cleaned house, took care of kids, homeschooled. It wasn't enough. It was too late, but I didn't realize it then. Rick was already gone. At one point in our therapy session, he told the therapist he just "couldn't" give to me anymore. He wanted to, and he tried, but the desire just wasn't in him any more. I SINCERELY wish he would have left me then. He lost his job for good in November 2009.
It was the next January that I went to our timeshare for a few days "getaway" and decided to have a one-night-stand. I thought I needed to prove something to myself. I wanted to feel important, validated, valued. I thought having sex with someone who was "young" and "hot" would give me what I needed. I did it. It didn't work. I regretted it immediately and went back to my family thinking that the "cheating" was behind me. But, apparently, I still was unhappy.
It wasn't until March that I began sensing that a Facebook "friendship" was perhaps something more. By April, I was back in obsessive mode. His name was Chris. Mid-April, I took the Vegas trip with the girls. No, Chris was not there. He did not go to Vegas that weekend, but it was that weekend he overtook my mind. This time, the guy was married, so it suddenly felt like the perfect scenario. Our emails and instant message chats suddenly got very intimate. Within two weeks he told me he loved me. I felt loved. I believed him. I can remember him telling me at one point that the only way this would work is if I believed him. I had to always believe him. I'm not sure now what that means. We met up (and had sex) twice. Looking back, it was physically very unfulfilling, but I felt so empty emotionally that the emotional connection was enough for me. May 17. I knew I was fertile that week. I had sex with Chris. I had sex with Rick. Things with Rick were going great because I always had Chris on my mind. We met up the second time on May 28. Like I said, looking back, it's all rather pathetic, but at the time I was completely enthralled.
On June 5, I found out I was pregnant. The rest of the story has been chronicled in this blog beginning December, 2010. I will eventually tell the rest of the story of Chris, but for now, this is my cathartic confession.
Audience
Writing a blog is a weird thing. Really, for me, it is more like a public journal. I am a little selective about the subject matter, but overall I just pour my heart out and let a bunch of people read it. Rick has accused me of being an attention whore (many many times) and sometimes I wonder if that is true. He says the blog is just another method of me getting attention and validation. Maybe it is. Although I get very little validation from my blog readers... If that was my "purpose" I would be sorely disappointed. Carolyn said that it is my "public pity party." Hmmmm. I disagree strongly with that statement as well. I don't think I spend much time on here feeling sorry for myself. So, what is my purpose? Do I really think that what I say is of such importance that other people should be reading it? Eeehhhhh, sometimes. At times, I have actually been called insightful by many intelligent people. Maybe I do have some valuable insights to offer people - friends and strangers alike! I know from my experience with this blog that it has helped others begin on a path to emotional healing. I know that several women have be inspired and encouraged by reading about my journey. I know that there are many out there reading, even though I don't always know who or how or why!?!!?
Since I got my "feedjit" widget, I can tell some of the places that people are clicking from. I can tell which places are "regular" visitors, and I can assume who those readers may be based on their locations. Through a little bit of investigative work, I do know who a few of my regular readers are. There are other places, however, that are clicking in, that I have know idea who you are. It is a little weird. As I have been posting my entries to facebook, I get a lot more readers, and I can tell that clicks are coming through those posts. But, I can only guess who is reading and why. Especially the why.
Why am I writing? Why are you reading? I can really only answer the first question, and sometimes I'm not even sure about that. I do like having an audience. I always have. I love to write. I honestly think I am good at it. The concept of a blog is interesting to me because it gives people an option. Read if you want, if you are interested, or you are welcome to ignore it. I know that the people who choose to click through are reading because they want to know what I have to say. I guess that in and of itself is very validating. It is rare that I get comments, but usually they are supportive and for that I am grateful. I'm sure that at first (especially) there were people reading that were just following the train wreck soap opera that was ME. I was emotional and angry and the DRAMA of the situation was fascinating. However, I think I've settled down a great deal over that past year and a half. I know that I have come to a steady place emotionally, and I am grateful to my family and my Heavenly Father for helping to get me here.
I'm not sure what the point of this entry is. I just really felt like writing and I find myself fascinated by the idea that someone is out there reading and caring about my random thoughts and feelings. I would love to hear from you, even the ones who're only reading so that you can report back to Rick. I still have nothing to hide.
Since I got my "feedjit" widget, I can tell some of the places that people are clicking from. I can tell which places are "regular" visitors, and I can assume who those readers may be based on their locations. Through a little bit of investigative work, I do know who a few of my regular readers are. There are other places, however, that are clicking in, that I have know idea who you are. It is a little weird. As I have been posting my entries to facebook, I get a lot more readers, and I can tell that clicks are coming through those posts. But, I can only guess who is reading and why. Especially the why.
Why am I writing? Why are you reading? I can really only answer the first question, and sometimes I'm not even sure about that. I do like having an audience. I always have. I love to write. I honestly think I am good at it. The concept of a blog is interesting to me because it gives people an option. Read if you want, if you are interested, or you are welcome to ignore it. I know that the people who choose to click through are reading because they want to know what I have to say. I guess that in and of itself is very validating. It is rare that I get comments, but usually they are supportive and for that I am grateful. I'm sure that at first (especially) there were people reading that were just following the train wreck soap opera that was ME. I was emotional and angry and the DRAMA of the situation was fascinating. However, I think I've settled down a great deal over that past year and a half. I know that I have come to a steady place emotionally, and I am grateful to my family and my Heavenly Father for helping to get me here.
I'm not sure what the point of this entry is. I just really felt like writing and I find myself fascinated by the idea that someone is out there reading and caring about my random thoughts and feelings. I would love to hear from you, even the ones who're only reading so that you can report back to Rick. I still have nothing to hide.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
A "Good" Divorce?
I am reading a new book right now. It is called Joint Custody with a Jerk, and I found it at the library. The book is not at all about how to change your ex into a nicer person or to make him/her easier to deal with. I am loving what I'm learning because it is actually about how to change your own attitude and reactions to things so that the relationship will flow more smoothly. I am just devouring its wisdom, and I can't wait to put some of the things I've read into practical application. Of course, that would require MY ex to actually communicate with me AT ALL, but I'm hoping to eventually get the opportunity...
When Rick and I first separated, I bought a book called The Good Divorce. It talked about the relationship between the exes (and their new "others") adapting to a familial relationship rather than an adversarial one. If the entire family REMAINS a family, the children will fare much, much better. The exes should be friends, friendly, on the same team. Now, I understand that most divorces do not go this route. Certainly the divorced household I grew up in was contentious (at the very best!) However, understanding the reality, and our (presupposed) desire to do right by our children, I would still hope that we can find ourselves to this place. As I have mentioned over and over to Rick (in email form,) I would really like to find a way to get along. What I realized recently, is that he is truly feeding off of a hatred for me. He MUST keep his life and feelings and reality separate from me in order to maintain the boundaries he has set for himself. It is so scary unhealthy. If we are a part of each others' lives, he could possibly realize that this was all a big mistake? If he is certain that this path is the right one, then what has he against setting our children up for a healthier emotional outcome? There really is no question that the BETTER we get along, the better off our children will be. And we have SIX CHILDREN.
I am frustrated when I am not given all of the information regarding our children. I am agitated that we cannot parent as a team. I feel handicapped because it seems he is unwilling to work with me AT ALL. I would like to have honest, open communication set up between us. I've offered for him to select a Bishop or LDS therapist of his choice, and he has refused to have any such meeting with me. My hands are tied. How can I proceed?
When Rick and I first separated, I bought a book called The Good Divorce. It talked about the relationship between the exes (and their new "others") adapting to a familial relationship rather than an adversarial one. If the entire family REMAINS a family, the children will fare much, much better. The exes should be friends, friendly, on the same team. Now, I understand that most divorces do not go this route. Certainly the divorced household I grew up in was contentious (at the very best!) However, understanding the reality, and our (presupposed) desire to do right by our children, I would still hope that we can find ourselves to this place. As I have mentioned over and over to Rick (in email form,) I would really like to find a way to get along. What I realized recently, is that he is truly feeding off of a hatred for me. He MUST keep his life and feelings and reality separate from me in order to maintain the boundaries he has set for himself. It is so scary unhealthy. If we are a part of each others' lives, he could possibly realize that this was all a big mistake? If he is certain that this path is the right one, then what has he against setting our children up for a healthier emotional outcome? There really is no question that the BETTER we get along, the better off our children will be. And we have SIX CHILDREN.
I am frustrated when I am not given all of the information regarding our children. I am agitated that we cannot parent as a team. I feel handicapped because it seems he is unwilling to work with me AT ALL. I would like to have honest, open communication set up between us. I've offered for him to select a Bishop or LDS therapist of his choice, and he has refused to have any such meeting with me. My hands are tied. How can I proceed?
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Happy Valentine'sDay!
What a day for reflection! I woke up this morning in a weird mood (after a weird dream) but still content and happy with life. I love waking up to six goofy kiddos! They are my whole life. As I showered, for some reason my thoughts turned to the past (trying to avoid that, I know, but bear with me...) and I remembered a significant argument I had with Rick. It was after the confession and before the separation where we were kind of deciding if we could actually work things out. He was realizing that I required much more than he was capable of giving, and he flat out told me he can't give me any more. As I look back now, I put that conversation in the context of my contemplations on "anchoring" and I realized very clearly that we were squarely anchored to each other at that point. I was trying to get "all my needs" met by him, and he was trying to be the "everything" to me that I was to him. It is no wonder we were doomed. It always makes me sad to have such clarity of what what wrong in my marriage. It also makes me sad for my ex in his new relationship. I hope that the two of them figure out how to set their anchors on Heavenly Father to guide their relationship. I wrote an email to Rick this morning. I expressed the thoughts I've put down here. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I sometimes can't resist.
Once I got past all that, my thoughts returned to the present - to my children, to Brian. I realized just how happy I am. I am so grateful that I do not have to rely on anyone else for my peace or my happiness. I am grateful that I have a sweet, supportive man who respects himself (and me) enough to stand up for what he thinks is right, and is humble enough to admit when he has made a mistake. A mature relationship is a revelation for me. I am not rushing. It is strange, but I know that taking our time is the right thing to do.
We have no special plans for Valentine's Day. I am hoping we will get to spend the evening together (probably putting children to bed) tonight, but I also know that I am okay either way.
I still love my husband. I want happiness for him in his life, his marriage, his family. I want what is best for our children, first and foremost, always.
I've pushed this as far as I can go, and now motherhood calls again. Time to get Paco off the table and pick up the food off the floor...
<3
Once I got past all that, my thoughts returned to the present - to my children, to Brian. I realized just how happy I am. I am so grateful that I do not have to rely on anyone else for my peace or my happiness. I am grateful that I have a sweet, supportive man who respects himself (and me) enough to stand up for what he thinks is right, and is humble enough to admit when he has made a mistake. A mature relationship is a revelation for me. I am not rushing. It is strange, but I know that taking our time is the right thing to do.
We have no special plans for Valentine's Day. I am hoping we will get to spend the evening together (probably putting children to bed) tonight, but I also know that I am okay either way.
I still love my husband. I want happiness for him in his life, his marriage, his family. I want what is best for our children, first and foremost, always.
I've pushed this as far as I can go, and now motherhood calls again. Time to get Paco off the table and pick up the food off the floor...
<3
Monday, February 13, 2012
Busy busy weekend.
I wish I had more time to write/post to this blog. Life is so full right now. I am so happy and excited for the present and the future.
On Thursday, February 9, escrow closed on the house where the kids and I will soon live. It is a perfect house in a great neighborhood with awesome schools. We already know our next door neighbors (Derek played soccer with their son!) so the kids (and I!) have ready-made friends. It is thrilling. We kept the house plans secret until escrow closed (you never know what could happen when you are trying to buy a house) so we got to do a big "reveal" on Thursday night. The kids were sufficiently impressed, excited and grateful! We've been there every day since, and the excitement has not subsided. I feel the same way as I begin to prepare the house to become our home.
Friday was Derek's birthday. Since we finally had keys to the house, and it needs a decent amount of cosmetic work done, I spent the morning at the new house meeting with contractors. After picking up the middles from school (and Derek's birthday cake from the store) we headed back to the house for more cleaning and to wait for the locksmith. I even left the kids at the neighbor's and the locksmith at the house to go pick up the bigguns. Finally, with 6 kids in my possession, I quickly bathed the babies (at the neighbor's house!) and headed to Chuck E. Cheese for Derek's birthday party.
The party was, in a word, AMAZING. The kids had a blast playing games, and collected their tickets together. I like to encourage them to pool all of the tickets and then split them evenly at the end. They ate pizza and cake, and watched Derek do the "ticket blaster" - unfortunately he did not manage to grab that magic "1,000 tickets" ticket. He did, however, walk away with well over 200 tickets from his ticket blaster experience.
Saturday we went back to the house with Brian and the boys (the kids wanted to show off the new house!) and then we headed to Knott's Berry Farm since we all have passes. Brian's oldest son, Joseph turned 9 on Sunday, so we were celebrating his birthday together for a few hours. Then we went BACK TO the house. We seriously cannot get enough of this place. I think even the kids can already feel it is "home." We hung out, played, ate cake, played, and played until dark. Exhausted, we came back to Grandma and Papa's house for baths and bed before church on Sunday.
Sunday - church. Of course it was great, and I got to share with my bishop the thoughts on "anchoring" I learned at therapy on Wednesday. I also began reading a book entitled "Joint Custody with a Jerk." Now, before you start jumping to conclusions, it is actually more about how I can change myself and my own attitude in order to have a happier life (for myself and the children,) even when communication with my ex is difficult. It doesn't focus on the negativity - it really emphasizes our power to control how we are going to be affected by what we experience. I thought this concept tied in well with the thoughts I have been exploring on anchoring...
I had promised the children a campout, and Sunday was the night. They are dying to move in for good, so I agreed (against my better judgement?) to have us all sleep there overnight since today was a holiday from school. Let me tell you, preparing a "campout" with and for six kids is quite the undertaking! Somehow I managed to get together enough blankets, pillows and food to keep us mildly comfortable overnight. Of course, with all the prep work, we didn't even make it to the house until after 7pm.
Wild and crazy sleepover (I HATE sleeping on the floor), and up early this morning so that we could get to the doctors for our follow-up appointment. Parker still has an ear infection so the doctor increased his antibiotics. Hattie needs to be more diligent about her inhalers to get her asthma under control. Another follow-up on Friday. The rest of the children are fine.
Busy weeks ahead as we continue to prepare. Drywall today and tomorrow, electrical Wednesday, and painting this weekend. Next week, hopefully, we will have new carpet. New sliding glass door the following week, and then the big move. At least that's the plan. Keep us in your prayers, we will certainly need them in the coming weeks!
On Thursday, February 9, escrow closed on the house where the kids and I will soon live. It is a perfect house in a great neighborhood with awesome schools. We already know our next door neighbors (Derek played soccer with their son!) so the kids (and I!) have ready-made friends. It is thrilling. We kept the house plans secret until escrow closed (you never know what could happen when you are trying to buy a house) so we got to do a big "reveal" on Thursday night. The kids were sufficiently impressed, excited and grateful! We've been there every day since, and the excitement has not subsided. I feel the same way as I begin to prepare the house to become our home.
Friday was Derek's birthday. Since we finally had keys to the house, and it needs a decent amount of cosmetic work done, I spent the morning at the new house meeting with contractors. After picking up the middles from school (and Derek's birthday cake from the store) we headed back to the house for more cleaning and to wait for the locksmith. I even left the kids at the neighbor's and the locksmith at the house to go pick up the bigguns. Finally, with 6 kids in my possession, I quickly bathed the babies (at the neighbor's house!) and headed to Chuck E. Cheese for Derek's birthday party.
The party was, in a word, AMAZING. The kids had a blast playing games, and collected their tickets together. I like to encourage them to pool all of the tickets and then split them evenly at the end. They ate pizza and cake, and watched Derek do the "ticket blaster" - unfortunately he did not manage to grab that magic "1,000 tickets" ticket. He did, however, walk away with well over 200 tickets from his ticket blaster experience.
Saturday we went back to the house with Brian and the boys (the kids wanted to show off the new house!) and then we headed to Knott's Berry Farm since we all have passes. Brian's oldest son, Joseph turned 9 on Sunday, so we were celebrating his birthday together for a few hours. Then we went BACK TO the house. We seriously cannot get enough of this place. I think even the kids can already feel it is "home." We hung out, played, ate cake, played, and played until dark. Exhausted, we came back to Grandma and Papa's house for baths and bed before church on Sunday.
Sunday - church. Of course it was great, and I got to share with my bishop the thoughts on "anchoring" I learned at therapy on Wednesday. I also began reading a book entitled "Joint Custody with a Jerk." Now, before you start jumping to conclusions, it is actually more about how I can change myself and my own attitude in order to have a happier life (for myself and the children,) even when communication with my ex is difficult. It doesn't focus on the negativity - it really emphasizes our power to control how we are going to be affected by what we experience. I thought this concept tied in well with the thoughts I have been exploring on anchoring...
I had promised the children a campout, and Sunday was the night. They are dying to move in for good, so I agreed (against my better judgement?) to have us all sleep there overnight since today was a holiday from school. Let me tell you, preparing a "campout" with and for six kids is quite the undertaking! Somehow I managed to get together enough blankets, pillows and food to keep us mildly comfortable overnight. Of course, with all the prep work, we didn't even make it to the house until after 7pm.
Wild and crazy sleepover (I HATE sleeping on the floor), and up early this morning so that we could get to the doctors for our follow-up appointment. Parker still has an ear infection so the doctor increased his antibiotics. Hattie needs to be more diligent about her inhalers to get her asthma under control. Another follow-up on Friday. The rest of the children are fine.
Busy weeks ahead as we continue to prepare. Drywall today and tomorrow, electrical Wednesday, and painting this weekend. Next week, hopefully, we will have new carpet. New sliding glass door the following week, and then the big move. At least that's the plan. Keep us in your prayers, we will certainly need them in the coming weeks!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Anchoring
Productive therapy session today has me thinking about where I'm laying my emotional "anchor" for my value and self-worth. My therapist reminded me that the only reliable place to place our anchor is with God, and on our Savior, Jesus Christ. When our hearts are anchored in Him, we are sustained, we remain disciples, we persevere. If we anchor our hearts ANYWHERE ELSE (this includes with a loved one - parent, child, spouse - or our jobs or anything else) then we will be disappointed at some point. We cannot rely on them. We cannot even rely on ourselves. We must completely rely on the Lord to find true contentment in all things.
From the drama of my upbringing, I learned that I could be fulfilled (if only temporarily) by the attention and affection of men. My value and self-worth was based on how attractive I was or how adored I was. This was basically the foundation of all of my issues. In every relationship, I was "the perfect combination of sexy and cute" and I was always in control. I cannot think of a single boyfriend who was able to set boundaries for me - or even one who actually tried. When I got married, my worth was then anchored entirely on Rick and on my marriage. Evidence of this is found in a talk I gave in 2008, where I kept referring to my marriage as the foundation of my faith. Ouch. Should've been a clue, but how clueless I was. When my relationship was failing, I again reverted to the esteem builder of my youth and young-adulthood, that is, attention from men. This was CLEARLY quite detrimental to my marriage. Duh. This pattern did not stop as I did not get the help, guidance and boundaries I desperately needed to be successful in our relationship. My faith was lacking and increasingly waning over the years and years of my marriage. In a future post I will explore the worldly realities contributing to the breakdown of my marriage, beginning in 2008, but for now, I will stay on this point.
This morning I realized that last week, when I had yet another emotional breakdown, I was once again anchoring my self-worth on my ex-husband. I was astounded, and it is very humbling to write publicly, that, at times, I STILL anchor to him. I guess that is out of habit. 12 years of marriage is a long time. The letter he wrote destroyed me, got me doubting my own worth. He is should not have that much power. I should never again anchor my emotional well-being on him.
So, my (very wise) therapist suggested that I periodically (daily????) do an "anchor-check" to see where I am anchored. Even when I am feeling good, it is good to make sure that my good feelings are coming from the right place! They should be coming from Christ! With Him, all things are possible. With Him, forgiveness is real. With Him, we are all redeemed!
From the drama of my upbringing, I learned that I could be fulfilled (if only temporarily) by the attention and affection of men. My value and self-worth was based on how attractive I was or how adored I was. This was basically the foundation of all of my issues. In every relationship, I was "the perfect combination of sexy and cute" and I was always in control. I cannot think of a single boyfriend who was able to set boundaries for me - or even one who actually tried. When I got married, my worth was then anchored entirely on Rick and on my marriage. Evidence of this is found in a talk I gave in 2008, where I kept referring to my marriage as the foundation of my faith. Ouch. Should've been a clue, but how clueless I was. When my relationship was failing, I again reverted to the esteem builder of my youth and young-adulthood, that is, attention from men. This was CLEARLY quite detrimental to my marriage. Duh. This pattern did not stop as I did not get the help, guidance and boundaries I desperately needed to be successful in our relationship. My faith was lacking and increasingly waning over the years and years of my marriage. In a future post I will explore the worldly realities contributing to the breakdown of my marriage, beginning in 2008, but for now, I will stay on this point.
This morning I realized that last week, when I had yet another emotional breakdown, I was once again anchoring my self-worth on my ex-husband. I was astounded, and it is very humbling to write publicly, that, at times, I STILL anchor to him. I guess that is out of habit. 12 years of marriage is a long time. The letter he wrote destroyed me, got me doubting my own worth. He is should not have that much power. I should never again anchor my emotional well-being on him.
So, my (very wise) therapist suggested that I periodically (daily????) do an "anchor-check" to see where I am anchored. Even when I am feeling good, it is good to make sure that my good feelings are coming from the right place! They should be coming from Christ! With Him, all things are possible. With Him, forgiveness is real. With Him, we are all redeemed!
Monday, February 6, 2012
Happy or Unhappy?
I guess I still get to choose.
It is still difficult to see "Richard & Carolyn Thomson" written down. Am I jealous? No, not anymore. I was jealous when he was dating her and I was trying to save our marriage. I was insanely jealous. Am I hurt? Yes, a little, a lot, a little, sometimes. Am I angry? No, not anymore. It just brings me sadness to think about it. Jason has told me several times (in and outside of his therapist's office) that he just pretends they are not married. He is a smart little boy. Maybe that's what I do too.
I went onto Child Support Services today. Total past due support - $20,482.40. Total amount owed - $22,072.40. No payments made. He told me that recovery from his surgery would be 3 months (January) so I wonder why he hasn't gone back to work. I wonder a lot of things.
Saturday was an emotional day in many ways. Trying to make good decisions on behalf of my family (children) is not always easy. Here's to change... it always keeps us on our toes.
It is still difficult to see "Richard & Carolyn Thomson" written down. Am I jealous? No, not anymore. I was jealous when he was dating her and I was trying to save our marriage. I was insanely jealous. Am I hurt? Yes, a little, a lot, a little, sometimes. Am I angry? No, not anymore. It just brings me sadness to think about it. Jason has told me several times (in and outside of his therapist's office) that he just pretends they are not married. He is a smart little boy. Maybe that's what I do too.
I went onto Child Support Services today. Total past due support - $20,482.40. Total amount owed - $22,072.40. No payments made. He told me that recovery from his surgery would be 3 months (January) so I wonder why he hasn't gone back to work. I wonder a lot of things.
Saturday was an emotional day in many ways. Trying to make good decisions on behalf of my family (children) is not always easy. Here's to change... it always keeps us on our toes.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Beams and motes
Matthew 7:3 -
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Humility
I hurt Brian yesterday. I posted something on Facebook with the goal of working through my feelings, fears, doubts, insecurities, and ISSUES. It wasn't intended to be mean, but it ended up being very hurtful to Brian. He had every reason to be upset, and throughout the day, he shared his anger with me. By the time the evening came, we were both still pretty upset about the emotional upheaval of the day. I was silent, and he was very talkative. He repeated to me the specific ways my words had hurt him. I resisted. I got more upset, defensive, argumentative. He did not let up. He conceded the reasonable points I was making, but he patiently, lovingly made his point to me as well. He had been hurt, and I couldn't do that to him again. I COULD NOT do that to him again. He did not stop until he knew I understood completely. It was a long, difficult conversation.
I finally got it. Everything Rick has been complaining about the blog, finally became clear to me. And this is not the first time Brian has taught me about my "bad" behavior.
One day last summer, Brian and I went to Arby's for lunch. The kid behind the counter was some skinny white teenager and my flirt radar lit up. Brian and I were there together, with a months-old baby, yet I began shamelessly flirting with this kid. We ate, and I continued behaving inappropriately. Brian got increasingly shocked and upset as the meal went on, and as soon as we walked out the door of the restaurant he said, "I really wanted to punch that guy in the face!" I was surprised. He observed that my behavior was so natural to me I didn't even realize I was doing it, but he made it very, very clear that I was WRONG. We talked through it. We discussed how those situations were(n't) handled in my marriage. I saw it all in a different light. It hurt him. I had to stop. So I did. Since then, that behavior has not been a problem. Not once. One conversation literally STOPPED the attitude and behavior that DESTROYED my marriage.
Yesterday, I hurt Brian again. It was mean, nasty hurt, and I honestly didn't realize I was doing it. Last night, once again, he taught me something new about myself. I learned that I have another hurtful habit that needs to be corrected. I am in the process of correcting it, for Brian and for Rick too.
I will forever assert that Rick did not take the time to teach me that I needed to change. He expected me to know. My behaviors and actions were wrong. I didn't get it. Now I do.
As much as I have been hurting, I am grateful to be in a relationship with someone who loves me enough to want me to learn how to be better - to want to help me, despite my resistance. I have never felt so loved.
I finally got it. Everything Rick has been complaining about the blog, finally became clear to me. And this is not the first time Brian has taught me about my "bad" behavior.
One day last summer, Brian and I went to Arby's for lunch. The kid behind the counter was some skinny white teenager and my flirt radar lit up. Brian and I were there together, with a months-old baby, yet I began shamelessly flirting with this kid. We ate, and I continued behaving inappropriately. Brian got increasingly shocked and upset as the meal went on, and as soon as we walked out the door of the restaurant he said, "I really wanted to punch that guy in the face!" I was surprised. He observed that my behavior was so natural to me I didn't even realize I was doing it, but he made it very, very clear that I was WRONG. We talked through it. We discussed how those situations were(n't) handled in my marriage. I saw it all in a different light. It hurt him. I had to stop. So I did. Since then, that behavior has not been a problem. Not once. One conversation literally STOPPED the attitude and behavior that DESTROYED my marriage.
Yesterday, I hurt Brian again. It was mean, nasty hurt, and I honestly didn't realize I was doing it. Last night, once again, he taught me something new about myself. I learned that I have another hurtful habit that needs to be corrected. I am in the process of correcting it, for Brian and for Rick too.
I will forever assert that Rick did not take the time to teach me that I needed to change. He expected me to know. My behaviors and actions were wrong. I didn't get it. Now I do.
As much as I have been hurting, I am grateful to be in a relationship with someone who loves me enough to want me to learn how to be better - to want to help me, despite my resistance. I have never felt so loved.
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