At Dinner:
Jason - "Mom, are you going to marry Brian?"
Me - "I don't know, Jason. If I did, how would you feel about that?"
Jason - "I think that I would feel......weird."
Me - "Weird, huh? Well, yes, I guess me getting married to someone else would be weird!"
Jason - "No, Brian..."
Me - "Me marrying Brian would be weird?"
Jason - "Yes."
Me - "Well, I am not planning to marry Brian, but if I did, how would that be weird?"
Jason - "Because if we lived with Brian, Papa and Grandma wouldn't come visit. Because they don't like Brian."
Wow. Now, the truth is that Papa and Grandma do not have a problem with Brian. They like him just fine. They just 'prefer' that I date someone who is more capable of 'taking care' of my family - FINANCIALLY. Of course, because right now, they are shouldering that burden. It sure would be nice if they could pass the torch. We all get it. But I thought it was enlightening and interesting how this reality translated into Jason's mind. As if they would never visit, even if they ACTUALLY didn't like Brian. They weren't too fond of Rick and they still came to visit!! Hahahaha! Anyway, the conversation went on and I was able to convince him that he had nothing to worry about. Now he just keeps saying "...if you marry a guy that..." and comes up with all sorts of interesting ideas!
During Derek's bath:
Derek - "Mom, I want some bath toys. Do you have any bath toys?"
Me - "We don't have bath toys, sorry."
Derek - "Daddy has LOTS of bath toys."
Me - "That's nice."
Derek - "I wish I could go and live with Daddy."
Me - "Wouldn't that be fun? They sure have a lot of fun things! And you wouldn't have to go to school!"
Derek - "Yeah! We would be homeschooled!"
Oh my gosh. The thought of that woman homeschooling my children is so absurdly ridiculous that I cannot even begin to describe it. Thank goodness they cannot choose their custodial parent until they are old enough to know better.
Today was another crazy one, but it was a good day. I love my smart, insightful, emotional kids. They truly are amazing!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Costco
My decision to apply at Costco was actually quite random. My mom and I were in there with the two babies the other day (Oct 20) and one of the Customer Service Reps offered us a membership at a discount. My father-in-law had recently removed me from his account, so I WAS in need of establishing membership, either on my own or under my parents, so it was perfect timing on her part. As we continued in the process, my mom mentioned "You could do that." And she was soooo right! I asked the girl at the Member Service desk if they were hiring. She said they were, and told me to go apply online. I couldn't get to it until the next day, and I filled out the online application for both La Habra and Fullerton. The Fullerton store called me on Monday or Tuesday and scheduled today's interview.
My parents had to shift around their schedule quite a bit to accommodate the babysitting for me to make the interview at 3pm. My friend Kristy picked up all three of the oldest from school and dropped them at the house for me. Just interviewing for a job requires a great deal of help. Grateful for the "village" that is helping me!
I dressed up, did my hair, put on some make-up... oh yeah, and I printed up my resume too! Once I got there (ten minutes early) I ended up having to wait almost a full hour before the interview even started. In the break room. At Costco. A W K W A R D.
The interview went great. The two managers I met with both liked me a lot, and the general manager basically said it was a "no-brainer" to hire me. His only worry was that I was so over-qualified for the position - he wanted to make sure that I knew what I was in for. I knew. I know. I am so ready. Haha.
Drug test done, waiting for the background check before I can do orientation. Exciting stuff! I am looking forward to the new challenge, new experience. It is a new chapter.
My parents had to shift around their schedule quite a bit to accommodate the babysitting for me to make the interview at 3pm. My friend Kristy picked up all three of the oldest from school and dropped them at the house for me. Just interviewing for a job requires a great deal of help. Grateful for the "village" that is helping me!
I dressed up, did my hair, put on some make-up... oh yeah, and I printed up my resume too! Once I got there (ten minutes early) I ended up having to wait almost a full hour before the interview even started. In the break room. At Costco. A W K W A R D.
The interview went great. The two managers I met with both liked me a lot, and the general manager basically said it was a "no-brainer" to hire me. His only worry was that I was so over-qualified for the position - he wanted to make sure that I knew what I was in for. I knew. I know. I am so ready. Haha.
Drug test done, waiting for the background check before I can do orientation. Exciting stuff! I am looking forward to the new challenge, new experience. It is a new chapter.
Consistency
OMG. Discipline is hard. Anyone who has kids knows this, and anyone with three or more kids knows it is EXTRA HARD. With all of mine, and all of them so young, I sometimes feel it is impossible, and have therefore been not-so-great at consistently disciplining my kids for their bad behavior. It's not something I'm proud of, but I have barely held it together the past year or so. I am humbling myself and telling the truth. Hopefully it'll help inspire someone to fight the good fight a little harder!
This week in therapy for Hattie, the therapist kind of reamed me for not doing a better job of following through with consequences for poor behavior (ie. fighting, yelling, talking back, etc.) I absolutely agree (agreed!) with her, but I feel so powerless sometimes when standing up to my brood. Powerless to enforce discipline when I have a screaming hungry baby, or a whiny toddler, or WHAT-EV-ER else I may be facing. She strongly encouraged me to "figure it out!" I have taken her advice to heart.
Her suggestion was for a family meeting where we list rules and consequences. If the kids are involved in making the rules (and the consequences) they then know exactly what they are facing. We had NO TIME, no opportunity, to have a family meeting, so I just started listing "my" rules as they came up:
Rules:
1. Eat at the table.
2. No talking back.
3. No foul language.
I hadn't even listed consequences yet. Eventually (within about an hour or so) Jason began filling out the form even further - with the help of his siblings - including consequences.
Consequences:
1. You get whatever you're eating taken away.
etc.
etc.
You get the idea...
And he added additional rules:
4. No screaming or yelling.
with their subsequent consequences:
4. Go to bed/nap for 30 minutes.
The list has continued to grow, and since they created it themselves, I have felt obligated to comply with strict enforcement. Subsequent consequences have developed with everything ending at GO TO BED (early/without dinner/whatever.) It isn't a perfect system.
I will tell you, all heck broke loose when I got home from my interview tonight about 5:30. (Yes, I got a very part time job at Costco, I will blog later, if I have time.) The kids were INSANE, and I needed to get them fed and (eventually) to bed. As I began to institute consequences for their (mis)behavior, the disobedience only accelerated. WOW! I was amazed at the volume level, the need for attention, the disrespect. I did, however, begin to deal with them one by one. Breanna was the first, and she finally was sent to bed for good, without dinner, even without a bath, at around 6. I stayed calm and enforced consequences as they came up. Derek got sent to his bed for yelling (I will admit he stayed nowhere near 30 minutes, but he definitely got the message.) Both boys ended up in bed by about 7:30.
The house is now peaceful. Only two kids up (youngest and oldest!) and Hattie is surprisingly close to being finished with her homework. It is working. My daughter's therapist told me yesterday that it is all about CONSISTENCY. I knew that. I believed her. I just wasn't sure I could do it. Now I know I can. :-)
This week in therapy for Hattie, the therapist kind of reamed me for not doing a better job of following through with consequences for poor behavior (ie. fighting, yelling, talking back, etc.) I absolutely agree (agreed!) with her, but I feel so powerless sometimes when standing up to my brood. Powerless to enforce discipline when I have a screaming hungry baby, or a whiny toddler, or WHAT-EV-ER else I may be facing. She strongly encouraged me to "figure it out!" I have taken her advice to heart.
Her suggestion was for a family meeting where we list rules and consequences. If the kids are involved in making the rules (and the consequences) they then know exactly what they are facing. We had NO TIME, no opportunity, to have a family meeting, so I just started listing "my" rules as they came up:
Rules:
1. Eat at the table.
2. No talking back.
3. No foul language.
I hadn't even listed consequences yet. Eventually (within about an hour or so) Jason began filling out the form even further - with the help of his siblings - including consequences.
Consequences:
1. You get whatever you're eating taken away.
etc.
etc.
You get the idea...
And he added additional rules:
4. No screaming or yelling.
with their subsequent consequences:
4. Go to bed/nap for 30 minutes.
The list has continued to grow, and since they created it themselves, I have felt obligated to comply with strict enforcement. Subsequent consequences have developed with everything ending at GO TO BED (early/without dinner/whatever.) It isn't a perfect system.
I will tell you, all heck broke loose when I got home from my interview tonight about 5:30. (Yes, I got a very part time job at Costco, I will blog later, if I have time.) The kids were INSANE, and I needed to get them fed and (eventually) to bed. As I began to institute consequences for their (mis)behavior, the disobedience only accelerated. WOW! I was amazed at the volume level, the need for attention, the disrespect. I did, however, begin to deal with them one by one. Breanna was the first, and she finally was sent to bed for good, without dinner, even without a bath, at around 6. I stayed calm and enforced consequences as they came up. Derek got sent to his bed for yelling (I will admit he stayed nowhere near 30 minutes, but he definitely got the message.) Both boys ended up in bed by about 7:30.
The house is now peaceful. Only two kids up (youngest and oldest!) and Hattie is surprisingly close to being finished with her homework. It is working. My daughter's therapist told me yesterday that it is all about CONSISTENCY. I knew that. I believed her. I just wasn't sure I could do it. Now I know I can. :-)
FB Note from Tuesday night.
This is my life.
by Amber Yunker Thomson on Tuesday, October 25, 2011 at 9:40pm
Blogger mobile won't let me blog from my phone, so I am venting here (on Facebook)...
This evening, after spending an hour and a half trying to get Hattie to focus on and finish her homework, I eventually sent her to bed. She took the homework with her after a mini-tantrum screaming fit. I went to her room to express my displeasure with her behavior, and she made a point to tell me that I couldn't force her to apologize. Of course, she was right. She already had tears in her eyes, and, as I disappointedly exited her room she cried,"Dad already bought Carolyn a ring. It's there. He has one too! They're wearing them."
She was hysterical. My heart broke for her. I'm grateful it is no longer breaking for me as I get exciting new challenges to deal with. Exciting new confusion to navigate with/for my children. How can a parent be this selfish? How can he not see how devastated they are?
This evening, after spending an hour and a half trying to get Hattie to focus on and finish her homework, I eventually sent her to bed. She took the homework with her after a mini-tantrum screaming fit. I went to her room to express my displeasure with her behavior, and she made a point to tell me that I couldn't force her to apologize. Of course, she was right. She already had tears in her eyes, and, as I disappointedly exited her room she cried,"Dad already bought Carolyn a ring. It's there. He has one too! They're wearing them."
She was hysterical. My heart broke for her. I'm grateful it is no longer breaking for me as I get exciting new challenges to deal with. Exciting new confusion to navigate with/for my children. How can a parent be this selfish? How can he not see how devastated they are?
Monday, October 24, 2011
Happy Anniversary.
The most frustrating thing is that I really do think about and worry about and digest many many other subjects. How can I change the focus to something more productive? As I use the blog to release my tension and anger, it is only natural that the crap I am dealing with regarding the EX would be included here... But, I get it. I need to get over it. I need to move on. How do I do that?
One would think that another relationship would be a great way to let go of the demons of the past and move forward. Unfortunately, that is no fool-proof answer, and although I am grateful for the patience and support I have received in my new relationship, it has in NO WAY fixed all my problems. As my parents so delicately pointed out this weekend, it brings new complications all its own. Yes, I get that. And in other ways, it is a lifesaver - HE is a lifesaver.
Having six children is a lot of work. A LOT of work. I would dare to say it is IMPOSSIBLE to do alone. I've been here at my parents since my separation and have received an immeasurable amount of help from them. From financial help, to emotional help, to physical help, I have leaned on my family from the very beginning. A couple of months ago, my parents made it clear that they would like for me to "figure out" how to do it "on my own." Now, the reality is that there is no such thing as "on my own." If I am not relying as fully on my mom and stepdad for the physical help (babysitting, meals, baths, bed, etc.) I will have to fill in that gap somewhere. My sister-in-law Trina has recently stepped in to help, but the rest of that void has been lovingly and cheerfully filled by Brian. He works through the evenings many nights a week, but has been willing to (on his "free" evenings) come over and hold/feed the baby while I am doing dinner, baths, beds. He (Dad of two young boys, but mostly on the weekends) has adjusted to my parenting style and has learned how to enforce the weeknight routine we have instituted in this household. He's washed dishes, cleared tables, and (OF COURSE) held a baby for hours on end, even a screaming one. He has played with the children, given "superman" rides, told story upon story to an eager crowd. He has let me cry and made me laugh (and laugh and laugh) when that is what I've needed. I feel safe. I know I can trust. I am enough when he is with me.
So, now, on to the concept of dating in a general (and perhaps hypothetical??) sense. Who on earth would date a woman with six kids? To even consider it, you would have to be a little on the crazy side. Dating a man with six kids is nearly as crazy, but he's only got 20% custody! It isn't at all the same!! So, I have to wonder - why? Can I trust you with my heart? With my children? And how many conniving, slimy losers would I have to date before I found one who might possibly be worth my time? Am I willing to expose my children to even a small fraction of the number it would take? No way. Dating sucks. I know this. I first met Brian when I was 14 years old. I liked him then. He made me laugh. :-) And throughout high school, I admired him for his eccentric personality, sense of humor, and confidence. I always wanted to know him better. I do now, and he is all that and more.
I present all of this to show that I have not taken my decision to be "involved" with Brian lightly. He is good for me. He is good for my children. He is a good person. Through and through. Does he have flaws? Of course, WE ALL DO. I am, frankly, amazed (and grateful!) he has stuck by me all this time through my emotional ups and downs. He has navigated a stream of mixed messages, very clear messages, and contrary messages and found his way to my heart.
If there is one thing I know, it is that imperfection is universal. I know I am working every day to better myself and the lives of my kids. Brian helps me do that in countless ways.
One would think that another relationship would be a great way to let go of the demons of the past and move forward. Unfortunately, that is no fool-proof answer, and although I am grateful for the patience and support I have received in my new relationship, it has in NO WAY fixed all my problems. As my parents so delicately pointed out this weekend, it brings new complications all its own. Yes, I get that. And in other ways, it is a lifesaver - HE is a lifesaver.
Having six children is a lot of work. A LOT of work. I would dare to say it is IMPOSSIBLE to do alone. I've been here at my parents since my separation and have received an immeasurable amount of help from them. From financial help, to emotional help, to physical help, I have leaned on my family from the very beginning. A couple of months ago, my parents made it clear that they would like for me to "figure out" how to do it "on my own." Now, the reality is that there is no such thing as "on my own." If I am not relying as fully on my mom and stepdad for the physical help (babysitting, meals, baths, bed, etc.) I will have to fill in that gap somewhere. My sister-in-law Trina has recently stepped in to help, but the rest of that void has been lovingly and cheerfully filled by Brian. He works through the evenings many nights a week, but has been willing to (on his "free" evenings) come over and hold/feed the baby while I am doing dinner, baths, beds. He (Dad of two young boys, but mostly on the weekends) has adjusted to my parenting style and has learned how to enforce the weeknight routine we have instituted in this household. He's washed dishes, cleared tables, and (OF COURSE) held a baby for hours on end, even a screaming one. He has played with the children, given "superman" rides, told story upon story to an eager crowd. He has let me cry and made me laugh (and laugh and laugh) when that is what I've needed. I feel safe. I know I can trust. I am enough when he is with me.
So, now, on to the concept of dating in a general (and perhaps hypothetical??) sense. Who on earth would date a woman with six kids? To even consider it, you would have to be a little on the crazy side. Dating a man with six kids is nearly as crazy, but he's only got 20% custody! It isn't at all the same!! So, I have to wonder - why? Can I trust you with my heart? With my children? And how many conniving, slimy losers would I have to date before I found one who might possibly be worth my time? Am I willing to expose my children to even a small fraction of the number it would take? No way. Dating sucks. I know this. I first met Brian when I was 14 years old. I liked him then. He made me laugh. :-) And throughout high school, I admired him for his eccentric personality, sense of humor, and confidence. I always wanted to know him better. I do now, and he is all that and more.
I present all of this to show that I have not taken my decision to be "involved" with Brian lightly. He is good for me. He is good for my children. He is a good person. Through and through. Does he have flaws? Of course, WE ALL DO. I am, frankly, amazed (and grateful!) he has stuck by me all this time through my emotional ups and downs. He has navigated a stream of mixed messages, very clear messages, and contrary messages and found his way to my heart.
If there is one thing I know, it is that imperfection is universal. I know I am working every day to better myself and the lives of my kids. Brian helps me do that in countless ways.
Too Busy and LOL
I don't have nearly the amount of time I would like to have to blog on all of the things I have been sifting through in my brain. The easiest, most prominent drama is, of course, the toils of dealing with Rick and Carolyn. Therefore, unfortunately, they have taken center stage in this soap opera. In reality, my mind is struggling with much more than the BS that they throw my way. However, they provide me with such frustrating fodder, how can I resist?
When I need a good laugh, I will now return to this email, which I received from Rick on Friday (Specifically, the very first line of the first paragraph - a joke in and of itself.):
When I need a good laugh, I will now return to this email, which I received from Rick on Friday (Specifically, the very first line of the first paragraph - a joke in and of itself.):
| From: | Richard Thomson |
| To: | Me |
| Subject: | Re: (No subject) |
| Date: | Fri, Oct 21, 2011 12:06 pm |
I have not been angry for a long time. As for therapy no need been there and im dealing with all this in a healthy manner and have great perspective. Its your behaviors and actions that have made up peoples minds I never went around telling people what you did they heard it from you or experienced your behaviors first hand. one thing you will hopefully learn through your repentance is that the lord will heal you as you let go and forgive. There is no need to fight or put down or paint anyone in a negative light. You still after all that therapy need all your put downs and opinions out for all to see and really its sad to see you go down that road clearly you are not thinking about the kids as you keep your negative posts and tell perfect strangers your personal trials as skewed as they have been validated by those who hadn't known you for years and know how crafty and manipulative you can be. I pray for you and always have and will continue I hope you can change forgive and be an honorable mother. put down your judgments they will not help you or the children. "I have nothing more to say on this subject." the father
Friday, October 21, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
excercise in futility
I invited her to read my blog.
This was the response I got:
***I wrote this before you sent your note.
I wasn't going to send it, but you are so inaccurately judgmental of a situation you DO NOT UNDERSTAND, I feel like I still should try.***
This was the response I got:
| From: | Her |
| To: | Me |
| Subject: | Blog invite |
| Date: | Thu, Oct 13, 2011 2:14 pm |
Thanks for the invite but I will pass. I have no desire to read your public pity party. I am surprised a deeply devoted mother and such a repentant daughter of our Heavenly Father has so much time to blog and would exert so much energy trying to destroy her children's father. I guess it shouldn't surprise me though given your love of the internet and attention. Who is desperate and pathetic now?
I responded:
| From: | Me |
| To: | Her |
| Subject: | Re: Blog invite |
| Date: | Thu, Oct 13, 2011 4:51 pm |
***I wrote this before you sent your note.
I wasn't going to send it, but you are so inaccurately judgmental of a situation you DO NOT UNDERSTAND, I feel like I still should try.***
I will never want my husband back again. You can have him. Forever. I do not and will never again stand in your way. I see now, more than ever, that he will never be the man I thought I married. Funny thing is, he will never be the man you think he is either. Good luck to you. It took me ten years to internalize the insecurities you have already begun to express. Maybe it helps that you can blame me for everything, but eventually that will get old and you two will be stuck with yourselves - stuck taking responsibility for your own selfish decisions.
I'm astounded that you feel so frustrated at having to "deal with me" since you got here. You lend no respect nor credit to the fact that I have always been his wife, unfortunately STILL SO, and mother of his children. We were married in the temple. And I was actually PREGNANT when you got here. Who do you think you are? You were not around for our marriage. You do not know at all what our marriage was like. You take the word of a HURT, ANGRY man. And maybe his crazy, protective family, who NEVER knew me. NEVER. The people he has kept in his life are people who DID NOT have any relationship with me, so that he can weave his victim/martyr story that much easier. I have told the truth, and he has continued to lie.
And now he has replaced me with you. He did it IMMEDIATELY, and he has still never dealt with his pain over what I did to him. He changed his focus. He hopes to create what he THOUGHT we had. And it is sad, because he will most likely end up re-creating EXACTLY what we had. An unhappy marriage. Remember it took me almost a decade to have the feelings of doubt and the need for reassurance that you have already expressed to him. You think that when... this or that happens (when he is divorced, when you are married) that things will change, but I assure you they will not. For me it was if only he helped more, or let me have more breaks... He talks a good talk, it's true. And I "knew" that he loved me. But I DID NOT FEEL LOVED. I constantly needed reassurance, and then he made me feel guilty about it, just as he has done with you. It is not your fault that the two of you have problems. It is not your fault that you feel insecure!!!! I LIVED THAT RELATIONSHIP.
You blame me, you call me crazy. That is fine, I understand. But I see the reality of my marriage. And I see the reality of your future marriage - more clearly than you can imagine. I feel sorry for you. You are the one who has been caught up in HIS trap. You're right that he has shut me down at every step, shot down every attempt I made to show him that our family is worth saving. So why are you still questioning? Not because of you. It is because he (maybe subconsciously) encourages that insecurity in you. It is to keep you there, adoring him, looking up to him, never feeling good enough. Those feelings were such an important part of why I did the terrible things I did. I CRAVED validation. Not because I am a bad person, but because I did not get it in my relationship. Maybe he has learned from his mistakes. From what I read, I doubt it.
You praise him for all of his "get rich quick" schemes. You encourage his frivolous spending and irresponsible dreams. That is because you don't have the worry or the responsibility of actually taking care of the family. I did listen to him, I did encourage him, but I did it in practical ways. I tried to build a life together that was responsible and happy. I tried my hardest to make the fantasy we were supposed to be, the perception of perfection, a reality... and I failed.
Chiropractic college? NuSkin? Progen-whatever? How many times will he have to fail before you see that he is a man with big dreams and no follow through? You will not be able to carry him. I couldn't. You will not be able to accomplish his life for him. I wasn't. I loved him, and served him and tried to be everything all the time. And I wasn't happy. Neither of us were happy. I made bad decisions, made mistakes, have learned many many difficult lessons.
I am sincerely sorry, truly repentant for the ways I hurt him. He has refused to listen, and you have encouraged him to turn his back on his eternal family for your own selfish desires. You think it's okay that he just "owes" me (and his children) over $13,000?? That makes sense to you? And I am the selfish one. You have one school-aged child and do not work, yet I am supposed to "get a job" with 6 children, 2 who are under 3? How has this story become logical to you? He is able to support you BECAUSE he let go of supporting his own children. BECAUSE my parents have taken on the financial responsibility and yes, BURDEN of raising 6 kids!
Neither of you are victims. Stop acting like it.
I'm astounded that you feel so frustrated at having to "deal with me" since you got here. You lend no respect nor credit to the fact that I have always been his wife, unfortunately STILL SO, and mother of his children. We were married in the temple. And I was actually PREGNANT when you got here. Who do you think you are? You were not around for our marriage. You do not know at all what our marriage was like. You take the word of a HURT, ANGRY man. And maybe his crazy, protective family, who NEVER knew me. NEVER. The people he has kept in his life are people who DID NOT have any relationship with me, so that he can weave his victim/martyr story that much easier. I have told the truth, and he has continued to lie.
And now he has replaced me with you. He did it IMMEDIATELY, and he has still never dealt with his pain over what I did to him. He changed his focus. He hopes to create what he THOUGHT we had. And it is sad, because he will most likely end up re-creating EXACTLY what we had. An unhappy marriage. Remember it took me almost a decade to have the feelings of doubt and the need for reassurance that you have already expressed to him. You think that when... this or that happens (when he is divorced, when you are married) that things will change, but I assure you they will not. For me it was if only he helped more, or let me have more breaks... He talks a good talk, it's true. And I "knew" that he loved me. But I DID NOT FEEL LOVED. I constantly needed reassurance, and then he made me feel guilty about it, just as he has done with you. It is not your fault that the two of you have problems. It is not your fault that you feel insecure!!!! I LIVED THAT RELATIONSHIP.
You blame me, you call me crazy. That is fine, I understand. But I see the reality of my marriage. And I see the reality of your future marriage - more clearly than you can imagine. I feel sorry for you. You are the one who has been caught up in HIS trap. You're right that he has shut me down at every step, shot down every attempt I made to show him that our family is worth saving. So why are you still questioning? Not because of you. It is because he (maybe subconsciously) encourages that insecurity in you. It is to keep you there, adoring him, looking up to him, never feeling good enough. Those feelings were such an important part of why I did the terrible things I did. I CRAVED validation. Not because I am a bad person, but because I did not get it in my relationship. Maybe he has learned from his mistakes. From what I read, I doubt it.
You praise him for all of his "get rich quick" schemes. You encourage his frivolous spending and irresponsible dreams. That is because you don't have the worry or the responsibility of actually taking care of the family. I did listen to him, I did encourage him, but I did it in practical ways. I tried to build a life together that was responsible and happy. I tried my hardest to make the fantasy we were supposed to be, the perception of perfection, a reality... and I failed.
Chiropractic college? NuSkin? Progen-whatever? How many times will he have to fail before you see that he is a man with big dreams and no follow through? You will not be able to carry him. I couldn't. You will not be able to accomplish his life for him. I wasn't. I loved him, and served him and tried to be everything all the time. And I wasn't happy. Neither of us were happy. I made bad decisions, made mistakes, have learned many many difficult lessons.
I am sincerely sorry, truly repentant for the ways I hurt him. He has refused to listen, and you have encouraged him to turn his back on his eternal family for your own selfish desires. You think it's okay that he just "owes" me (and his children) over $13,000?? That makes sense to you? And I am the selfish one. You have one school-aged child and do not work, yet I am supposed to "get a job" with 6 children, 2 who are under 3? How has this story become logical to you? He is able to support you BECAUSE he let go of supporting his own children. BECAUSE my parents have taken on the financial responsibility and yes, BURDEN of raising 6 kids!
Neither of you are victims. Stop acting like it.
And got back:
| From: | Her |
| To: | Me |
| Subject: | Re: Blog invite |
| Date: | Thu, Oct 13, 2011 5:10 pm |
You will get your money so don't worry. I have money from my family inheritance that provides for me and my daughter. You are the one who is confused and assumes things that you know nothing about. I am not a victim and never have been. I pray that one day you will see that the victim label you like to label everyone else with is the very label you give yourself with every blog or text you send. Good luck in your new life I wish you only the best. I KNOW what my life with Rick will be like and do not need your observations drawn from emails about situations and conversations that you will never understand. Sometimes it is better to not feel the need to know everything but you sadly have yet to learn that. I sincerely pray that someday you find peace.
And that, my friends, is when I realized there was no point in corresponding with either of them any further. Rick doesn't even bother telling me if/when he is planning to take the kids. He tells the kids it will still be... (however long.) Freaking awesome. I hope they have a nice delusional life together.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
:-(
I am feeling a lot of anger today. I am hoping blogging will help me work through it, but I don't know. I understand that I am responsible for putting myself here by allowing myself to go back and read through all of that bull. All the lies. All the planning. All the lies. I am devastated by the level of deceit. And not just by my husband.
Who tells the truth any more?
They were planning a life together. And you called me crazy. Told me it was platonic. About this subject, I have never been crazy. It was never platonic.
Who tells the truth any more?
They were planning a life together. And you called me crazy. Told me it was platonic. About this subject, I have never been crazy. It was never platonic.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Relief...
Upon reading the vulgar email and seeing the naked pictures that Rick sent to Carolyn last summer (July 28 - remember they were just FRIENDS, nothing more!), I felt an indescribable rage. Intense anger and disgust. I was disgusted with him, not for what he did - believe me, I did the same and more, I am sure - but for the months and months and FULL YEAR of lies about it. I was hurt and disgusted that he just KEPT LYING to everyone. He knew he was planning a future - a forever - with another woman, and he refused to own up to it. Even when I would come to him, knowing what logic told me, pleading for the truth from him, he would continue to lie to my face. Yes, I have KNOWN it. But I also was attacked from varying sources about my inability to "prove" any of it. Or the fact that I "only know what I know." That the "facts about my relationship are facts" while I was just speculating about Rick and Carolyn. Clearly I was not speculating. I think I am justified (dangerous word, I know) in feeling a little vindicated when I was repeatedly called "crazy" for saying that she was a serious threat to our marriage, to our family.
As this new revelation has settled, I can feel only relief. I am relieved to know that I will NEVER EVER be tempted to "take Rick back" as it were. I will never desire for him to be my husband again. I will never trust him or love him. Well, I am supposed to figure out how to love him and forgive him, but I am certain that will take a while.
They sincerely believe in their eternal destiny together, their love, and for that I wish them the best. What I have witnessed already, and what I know about my husband, tells a different story, but maybe they'll figure out how to make it work.
So, I decided it was time to come clean (to the rest of the world because zillions already were in the loop on this) about my own relationship and let the chips fall. I have no reason to deny the truth. I am happy. I deserve to be happy. A stupid piece of paper from the State of California does not get to decide that for me. And Rick does not deserve me or this family.
As this new revelation has settled, I can feel only relief. I am relieved to know that I will NEVER EVER be tempted to "take Rick back" as it were. I will never desire for him to be my husband again. I will never trust him or love him. Well, I am supposed to figure out how to love him and forgive him, but I am certain that will take a while.
They sincerely believe in their eternal destiny together, their love, and for that I wish them the best. What I have witnessed already, and what I know about my husband, tells a different story, but maybe they'll figure out how to make it work.
So, I decided it was time to come clean (to the rest of the world because zillions already were in the loop on this) about my own relationship and let the chips fall. I have no reason to deny the truth. I am happy. I deserve to be happy. A stupid piece of paper from the State of California does not get to decide that for me. And Rick does not deserve me or this family.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
So angry.
Verifiable evidence that my husband was having a full-fledged sexual (if not yet physically) affair as of no later than JULY 28, 2010. I am losing my mind. I want to broadcast it from the rooftops. SEE, I'VE BEEN TELLING THE TRUTH THIS WHOLE TIME!! But what good would it do?
Friday, October 7, 2011
Mother of Six
This place is a zoo.
I was actually super impressed with myself this morning. As I nagged and reminded and politely prodded my children through the process of getting dressed (WITH SHOES!) making their beds and getting off to school. I know I shouldn't let them have the television on, but it is, at times, such a life-saver as well. Hard for me to find that balance. Oh well, we did it, eventually. Again.
Cleaning ladies came yesterday and now I have the (nearly impossible) task of keeping the house clean until our General Authority visit tomorrow morning. I am concerned about: fitting the visit in between soccer games, finding proper attire, being in the right mindset, given the insanity of a typical Saturday morning (okay, let's face it, a typical morning) but I still look forward to the opportunity. Grateful to my sister-in-law (TRINA) for offering to help me out. Make that super grateful. Hope the offer is still good. :-)
I cannot even express to you all how much I love these kiddos. I wish I could remember all of the wonderful gems I hear from them every single day...
This morning, Breanna had her shoes on the wrong feet. I didn't notice until we were in the car ready to go in to school. As I was changing them for her she asked me -
"Mommy, can you see through things?"
Me - "No."
Breanna - "Then how do Mommy's and Daddy's know when shoes are on the wrong feet?"
It really is those moments that complete me. I am ABSOLUTELY going to try to get more of them into this blog. I promise. :-)
I was actually super impressed with myself this morning. As I nagged and reminded and politely prodded my children through the process of getting dressed (WITH SHOES!) making their beds and getting off to school. I know I shouldn't let them have the television on, but it is, at times, such a life-saver as well. Hard for me to find that balance. Oh well, we did it, eventually. Again.
Cleaning ladies came yesterday and now I have the (nearly impossible) task of keeping the house clean until our General Authority visit tomorrow morning. I am concerned about: fitting the visit in between soccer games, finding proper attire, being in the right mindset, given the insanity of a typical Saturday morning (okay, let's face it, a typical morning) but I still look forward to the opportunity. Grateful to my sister-in-law (TRINA) for offering to help me out. Make that super grateful. Hope the offer is still good. :-)
I cannot even express to you all how much I love these kiddos. I wish I could remember all of the wonderful gems I hear from them every single day...
This morning, Breanna had her shoes on the wrong feet. I didn't notice until we were in the car ready to go in to school. As I was changing them for her she asked me -
"Mommy, can you see through things?"
Me - "No."
Breanna - "Then how do Mommy's and Daddy's know when shoes are on the wrong feet?"
It really is those moments that complete me. I am ABSOLUTELY going to try to get more of them into this blog. I promise. :-)
Thursday, October 6, 2011
A Rant.
Keeping my mouth shut on Facebook is a worthy and valuable new venture, but I am not really capable of shushing myself here. Really, this is meant to be that type of outlet, isn't it? So, please, forgive me my rantings...
A while back I posted about people taking sides. The basic premise is that people HAVE TO take sides at some point. There is no staying in the middle when a marriage (or family) breaks up. Pick your partner. Who do you think is "more" right? No, I don't think it is right to judge, offer judgment, be MEAN. But I do think it is right to offer/lend support to whomever you feel is best serving the interests/needs of the children. I get very defensive when people (Rick's friends and family) insist that they are refusing to take sides. Of course, that means they agree with Rick. Ridiculous, in my opinion! I get not wanting to alienate Rick (any more than he has already alienated himself) but I do not understand SUPPORTING the decisions he is making now. REGARDLESS of what I've done wrong. I do not understand giving him support on this path.
Recently I read - "I support... the efforts he's making to be a good father."
I will be quite honest in that I am disgusted by that statement. I am not sure to what efforts this person is referring. I have not seen Rick make any effort to be a good father. The ONLY thing I would credit him for in the column of "making effort" is making the drive from Hemet to watch the kids soccer games on Saturdays. However, he also made the choice to move 60 miles away so that he could live with Carolyn and her daughter. He had options of places he could have afforded to live here, but he would not have been able to support his girlfriend. So, he had to move. In that vein, he has made zero effort to support them financially (via child support) while he has been making sure he keeps a roof over her head, and he made ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT TO SEE OR KNOW PACO FOR THE FIRST 8 MONTHS OF HIS LIFE. Any relationship Parker has with his father is due to my CONSTANT asking, pressing, pushing visitation on Rick. On many, many occasions, visits were offered and outright refused. The only reason he takes Parker now is because I insisted that I would start weaning so that he would no longer have any excuse not to take the baby. His initial response to my offer was that perhaps I am not such a perfect mom because I am going to wean before a full year and "give up on [my] last born child." Ha ha. Give up??? Like he did??? I am frustrated (angry) that he implies (or outright accuses!) me of anything malicious or deceitful. I have NEVER EVER EVER kept any of his children from him. He has NEVER ONCE called them to say hello or good night. He has NEVER ONCE asked for additional time with them. He does barely what he is expected to do in our visitation agreement and NO MORE. Our lawyer meeting last week included a full discussion about how good it would be if he could call the kids each night (or even a couple of times a week) to have contact or just say good night. There have still been NO CALLS to the children since then. He has also refused to pay any child support since February. He insists that he "would have" paid DCSS (Dept of Child Support Services) but it isn't as though he set aside that money that he KNEW he owed. When I asked him about it, he said he used it to pay school loans, medical bills and to fix the car. That was money legally intended for support of his children that he consciously decided to spend elsewhere - on HIMSELF. Meanwhile, his future ex- in-laws are covering the tab he is running. $13,000+ now... Speaking of in-laws, mine have not offered any support to me or their grandchildren. Both my mother and father in law have both been happy to lecture me on my supposed lack of moral fortitude, but I wonder if they are willing to stand up to their son in the same manner? Seriously? What a joke!
My husband PLAYED a great father, he gets that ability honestly. I do believe he loves his children. He talks the talk and loves the IMAGE of having a big family with a bunch of children who adore him, but he is lazy and a liar and a victim (in my opinion after 10+ years of marriage.) He is happy to do less and blame others for his incompetence. I am tired of watching others buy in to his lies. I am tired of taking responsibility when he falls short. He is not my job any more. He needs to stop putting his responsibilities (and all the blame) on me. I cannot make up the difference in his "image" as a man and a father any more. I sure hope she is up to that task. Let me tell you, it gets very old.
Yes, I do feel better now. Thank you very much.
A while back I posted about people taking sides. The basic premise is that people HAVE TO take sides at some point. There is no staying in the middle when a marriage (or family) breaks up. Pick your partner. Who do you think is "more" right? No, I don't think it is right to judge, offer judgment, be MEAN. But I do think it is right to offer/lend support to whomever you feel is best serving the interests/needs of the children. I get very defensive when people (Rick's friends and family) insist that they are refusing to take sides. Of course, that means they agree with Rick. Ridiculous, in my opinion! I get not wanting to alienate Rick (any more than he has already alienated himself) but I do not understand SUPPORTING the decisions he is making now. REGARDLESS of what I've done wrong. I do not understand giving him support on this path.
Recently I read - "I support... the efforts he's making to be a good father."
I will be quite honest in that I am disgusted by that statement. I am not sure to what efforts this person is referring. I have not seen Rick make any effort to be a good father. The ONLY thing I would credit him for in the column of "making effort" is making the drive from Hemet to watch the kids soccer games on Saturdays. However, he also made the choice to move 60 miles away so that he could live with Carolyn and her daughter. He had options of places he could have afforded to live here, but he would not have been able to support his girlfriend. So, he had to move. In that vein, he has made zero effort to support them financially (via child support) while he has been making sure he keeps a roof over her head, and he made ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT TO SEE OR KNOW PACO FOR THE FIRST 8 MONTHS OF HIS LIFE. Any relationship Parker has with his father is due to my CONSTANT asking, pressing, pushing visitation on Rick. On many, many occasions, visits were offered and outright refused. The only reason he takes Parker now is because I insisted that I would start weaning so that he would no longer have any excuse not to take the baby. His initial response to my offer was that perhaps I am not such a perfect mom because I am going to wean before a full year and "give up on [my] last born child." Ha ha. Give up??? Like he did??? I am frustrated (angry) that he implies (or outright accuses!) me of anything malicious or deceitful. I have NEVER EVER EVER kept any of his children from him. He has NEVER ONCE called them to say hello or good night. He has NEVER ONCE asked for additional time with them. He does barely what he is expected to do in our visitation agreement and NO MORE. Our lawyer meeting last week included a full discussion about how good it would be if he could call the kids each night (or even a couple of times a week) to have contact or just say good night. There have still been NO CALLS to the children since then. He has also refused to pay any child support since February. He insists that he "would have" paid DCSS (Dept of Child Support Services) but it isn't as though he set aside that money that he KNEW he owed. When I asked him about it, he said he used it to pay school loans, medical bills and to fix the car. That was money legally intended for support of his children that he consciously decided to spend elsewhere - on HIMSELF. Meanwhile, his future ex- in-laws are covering the tab he is running. $13,000+ now... Speaking of in-laws, mine have not offered any support to me or their grandchildren. Both my mother and father in law have both been happy to lecture me on my supposed lack of moral fortitude, but I wonder if they are willing to stand up to their son in the same manner? Seriously? What a joke!
My husband PLAYED a great father, he gets that ability honestly. I do believe he loves his children. He talks the talk and loves the IMAGE of having a big family with a bunch of children who adore him, but he is lazy and a liar and a victim (in my opinion after 10+ years of marriage.) He is happy to do less and blame others for his incompetence. I am tired of watching others buy in to his lies. I am tired of taking responsibility when he falls short. He is not my job any more. He needs to stop putting his responsibilities (and all the blame) on me. I cannot make up the difference in his "image" as a man and a father any more. I sure hope she is up to that task. Let me tell you, it gets very old.
Yes, I do feel better now. Thank you very much.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
yeah.
Getting an email on Rick's account from Carolyn REALLY disturbed me. Emotionally, I am holding it together. Spiritually, I feel confident and strong. But mentally, I am overwhelmed and confused. None of this makes sense. I realize that. Trying to make sense of it just makes it harder to handle.
Sometimes, however, I just think "WHAT?? WHO IS THIS WOMAN??"
Sometimes, however, I just think "WHAT?? WHO IS THIS WOMAN??"
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Calm and Rational
Once I calmed down (and talked to about a zillion different people!) I settled my mind about our General Authority visit on Saturday morning. I am very excited that such a distinguished Priesthood leader has chosen to take his time to visit my family. I am overwhelmed with emotion. I am shocked, but content.
It took about a day for me to realize that this isn't about Rick. It isn't really about me either, and it isn't even about our kids, really. It is about Heavenly Father, and his ever-abounding love for us! This is such a blessing, a wonderful reminder that Heavenly Father KNOWS us, and LOVES us, and our Savior has FELT our struggles. A friend of mine told me that "Jesus Christ cannot come and visit us in our homes. This is the next best thing." What an amazing statement.
I'd better get cleaning. That and good thing the cleaning ladies come on Thursday. :-)
It took about a day for me to realize that this isn't about Rick. It isn't really about me either, and it isn't even about our kids, really. It is about Heavenly Father, and his ever-abounding love for us! This is such a blessing, a wonderful reminder that Heavenly Father KNOWS us, and LOVES us, and our Savior has FELT our struggles. A friend of mine told me that "Jesus Christ cannot come and visit us in our homes. This is the next best thing." What an amazing statement.
I'd better get cleaning. That and good thing the cleaning ladies come on Thursday. :-)
LOL
At one point during our "fights" via email, my husband actually insulted my hair. Like, that really makes any difference at this point.
Me: You're living with another woman while you're still married to me!
Him: Oh yeah, well, I think we have the same barber!
Me: You're living with another woman while you're still married to me!
Him: Oh yeah, well, I think we have the same barber!
Monday, October 3, 2011
70
I received a phone call from my Stake President (yes, the actual Stake President called me!) yesterday evening. Our Area Seventy is in town next weekend for our Stake Conference, and he'd like to come visit me at my home and meet my kids.
WHAT???????????????????????
Any ideas? I'm astounded. And stumped.
WHAT???????????????????????
Any ideas? I'm astounded. And stumped.
Surgery
What I know, or, at least, what I've been told...
Rick has a (very large) tumor on his T11 vertebrae. He is undergoing surgery on Wednesday at St. Joseph's Hospital, and will be spending at least 5 days in the ICU.
I am scared for my husband. I am scared for my children. I appreciate all of your prayers.
Rick will see the kids for dinner on Tuesday night, and after that I do not know how long it will be. I asked him this morning if they will be able to visit him in the hospital, but he doesn't know yet. I guess we'll see.
I know that I still love my husband. I know that we will not be able to stay married. He is going to marry someone else, because he thinks that is the answer. But I do love him.
Rick has a (very large) tumor on his T11 vertebrae. He is undergoing surgery on Wednesday at St. Joseph's Hospital, and will be spending at least 5 days in the ICU.
I am scared for my husband. I am scared for my children. I appreciate all of your prayers.
Rick will see the kids for dinner on Tuesday night, and after that I do not know how long it will be. I asked him this morning if they will be able to visit him in the hospital, but he doesn't know yet. I guess we'll see.
I know that I still love my husband. I know that we will not be able to stay married. He is going to marry someone else, because he thinks that is the answer. But I do love him.
More junk to vent.
Yes, I posted this on FB.
No, I am not divorced.
How could he think he could possibly get married before this coming Wednesday? Idiot.
How could he even consider telling the children that he is going to "try" to marry Carolyn before Wednesday?
Seven year old's are pretty smart. And Jason is emotional, but he does not express his emotion well. So, it broke my heart to hear him say, "It just doesn't feel right in my heart."
That's because it isn't. I can't say that to him, but it's true.
No, I am not divorced.
How could he think he could possibly get married before this coming Wednesday? Idiot.
How could he even consider telling the children that he is going to "try" to marry Carolyn before Wednesday?
Seven year old's are pretty smart. And Jason is emotional, but he does not express his emotion well. So, it broke my heart to hear him say, "It just doesn't feel right in my heart."
That's because it isn't. I can't say that to him, but it's true.
Meeting with the lawyers.
Monday, September 26, we met with both of our lawyers to finalize the details of our divorce. 2.5 hours of hashing out everything we've already agreed upon, typing up papers, signing papers.
The visitation is staying what we've already discussed. He has them 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends and Wednesday nights. Summer vacation is week on/ week off. We trade off Thanksgiving and Spring Break. We split Christmas holiday. Basically 70/30 split overall.
Dept of Child Support Services (DCSS) assessed child support (while Rick is on disability) at $1590 per month. When (??) he goes back to work, I will have to contact DCSS for them to re-assess the child support amount. Back child support was agreed at $13,687.
Now the court papers have to be filed. My lawyer said that it should be rejected at least once. Eventually it will be accepted. I'll get the finalized dissolution paperwork in the mail. And he will marry her.
New day. New life.
I felt confident, calm. I did not cry. Not once. Not before, during, or after. I haven't cried since. Good riddance. What an unpleasant man.
The visitation is staying what we've already discussed. He has them 1st, 3rd, 5th weekends and Wednesday nights. Summer vacation is week on/ week off. We trade off Thanksgiving and Spring Break. We split Christmas holiday. Basically 70/30 split overall.
Dept of Child Support Services (DCSS) assessed child support (while Rick is on disability) at $1590 per month. When (??) he goes back to work, I will have to contact DCSS for them to re-assess the child support amount. Back child support was agreed at $13,687.
Now the court papers have to be filed. My lawyer said that it should be rejected at least once. Eventually it will be accepted. I'll get the finalized dissolution paperwork in the mail. And he will marry her.
New day. New life.
I felt confident, calm. I did not cry. Not once. Not before, during, or after. I haven't cried since. Good riddance. What an unpleasant man.
Productivity
It's amazing how much more I get done (and how much more productive I feel) when I have gotten a decent night's sleep. Last night I went to bed around 9:30pm. Parker woke up 2 or 3 times, but Janey was really only up once (not until 5:15!). The second time it was wake-up time around 6:20, so it doesn't count.
Got everyone dressed and ready. Dropped off Hattie & Jason, back home to pick up Derek's homework folder, dropped off Derek. To the bank, then drop off Breanna. Home and laundry, and mop the floor, etc., etc.
Now I'd like to get some blogging done. Lot's to say.
Got everyone dressed and ready. Dropped off Hattie & Jason, back home to pick up Derek's homework folder, dropped off Derek. To the bank, then drop off Breanna. Home and laundry, and mop the floor, etc., etc.
Now I'd like to get some blogging done. Lot's to say.
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