Yes, I'm still in Psalms! But I will finish tonight!
"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
HE does know my heart. HE loves me and values me. HIS judgement is the only one that matters. I know and am living the truth today.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Victims
The concept of "victimhood" has always been a raw spot in my marriage. But after receiving this article from a friend, I feel totally enlightened.
I would love to start healing my marriage. I would love to start working together to have a healthy relationship. We certainly haven't up until now, and we won't until we both make the effort.
http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html
I would love to start healing my marriage. I would love to start working together to have a healthy relationship. We certainly haven't up until now, and we won't until we both make the effort.
http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Sundays
Since my spiritual awakening, I have developed a new appreciation for Sundays. Admittedly, Sundays are much easier when the kids are with their father, but even when they're at church with me, I am still grateful for the opportunity to go to church. Grateful for the support of a loving ward family and a truly inspired Bishop.
The spirit was strong today at church. The speakers talked about service, but more than that, I felt the spirit throughout sacrament meeting. It was overwhelming and gave me great comfort.
I meet with my Bishop almost every Sunday. He doesn't require it, but I kind of do. It helps me to talk with him and get reassurance that I remain on the right path. Even though I tend to revisit the same themes and similar struggles, I know I am making progress. I continue to make progress.
For some reason, despite my own hurt, my own anger, I haven't stopped believing in my eternal family. I haven't given up on my husband. I haven't even stopped loving him. I've just let him go for now. Accepted that he isn't choosing us. I hope he does eventually. I hope, when that time comes, it isn't too late.
The spirit was strong today at church. The speakers talked about service, but more than that, I felt the spirit throughout sacrament meeting. It was overwhelming and gave me great comfort.
I meet with my Bishop almost every Sunday. He doesn't require it, but I kind of do. It helps me to talk with him and get reassurance that I remain on the right path. Even though I tend to revisit the same themes and similar struggles, I know I am making progress. I continue to make progress.
For some reason, despite my own hurt, my own anger, I haven't stopped believing in my eternal family. I haven't given up on my husband. I haven't even stopped loving him. I've just let him go for now. Accepted that he isn't choosing us. I hope he does eventually. I hope, when that time comes, it isn't too late.
A nice day.
I really enjoyed the baby shower this morning. It was very low key, but also very fun. Plus I got tons of stuff for the baby! Diapers, wipes, baby wash, and CLOTHES! And I got TWO BINS of little baby boy hand-me-downs (thanks Denise!!) to sort through. So excited, really. My darling Hattie got to come, even though it is her Dad's weekend. Completely wonderful.
Then when I took Hattie back to Rick's, I was able to bring Parker over to visit with his Dad. Plus I got to see the kids for a bit. Super fun.
Later, a drive and a visit with my sister-in-law Trina. And then dinner at Lucille's with my cousin TJ. At dinner a man at another table came over and admired the baby. He said his son's girlfriend was expecting and they were just talking about the pride and joy of being a father. It was sweet.
Home now. Started sorting through the hand-me-downs and washing them. I have no idea how I'm going to organize all of these clothes. I don't know where to put them all. I need to clean my room. Again. Constantly. Haha. Blogging and watching "Top Chef" at midnight. This is my "off" weekend. I'm so cool.
Then when I took Hattie back to Rick's, I was able to bring Parker over to visit with his Dad. Plus I got to see the kids for a bit. Super fun.
Later, a drive and a visit with my sister-in-law Trina. And then dinner at Lucille's with my cousin TJ. At dinner a man at another table came over and admired the baby. He said his son's girlfriend was expecting and they were just talking about the pride and joy of being a father. It was sweet.
Home now. Started sorting through the hand-me-downs and washing them. I have no idea how I'm going to organize all of these clothes. I don't know where to put them all. I need to clean my room. Again. Constantly. Haha. Blogging and watching "Top Chef" at midnight. This is my "off" weekend. I'm so cool.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Why?
I wanted to post about why I did the things I did. So I wrote a really long post talking about my relationship, all of our choices, all of the many intricate reasons that I made the decisions I made. But, really, I think it comes down to two things...
Yes, I wasn't getting my "emotional needs" met, but I think that people cheat for two reasons. They are selfish. And insecure. That's it.
Yes, I wasn't getting my "emotional needs" met, but I think that people cheat for two reasons. They are selfish. And insecure. That's it.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Why I came back early.
I have been saying this whole time that I wouldn't come back to Facebook until the divorce was final. I was futilely trying to prove something to my husband about my commitment, my devotion. It has taken me this long to realize that my husband TRULY doesn't care about me. He doesn't care about my feelings, my intentions, my desires, or my "gestures" and has no intention of ever caring again. I decided it was time for me to stop giving him control over me - over my thoughts, my emotions, my actions, my confidence. Time for me to really start finding myself, and to do that I have to recognize that I deserve better than the way I've been treated for the past 5 months. I deserve to be loved; I deserve to be happy; I deserve to be treated with respect. I cannot control whether or not I get those things from Rick, but I don't have to keep living at his mercy.
I continue to be sincere in my goals for my family. I continue to be willing to do whatever it takes to fix, mend, repair. Whatever it takes.
I continue to be sincere in my goals for my family. I continue to be willing to do whatever it takes to fix, mend, repair. Whatever it takes.
I've suddenly realized
something very important:
When Rick says he "wants to" come back, he is just plain lying. It is just another way for him to shift the blame on me. This really isn't about anything I have done or said any more. I am doing everything the Lord would have me do in this situation. Rick knows what is right and chooses to ignore it.
My apologies will never be enough.
My efforts will never be enough.
There is nothing I can do or say.
In all likelihood, I will never be enough. I never have been.
When Rick says he "wants to" come back, he is just plain lying. It is just another way for him to shift the blame on me. This really isn't about anything I have done or said any more. I am doing everything the Lord would have me do in this situation. Rick knows what is right and chooses to ignore it.
My apologies will never be enough.
My efforts will never be enough.
There is nothing I can do or say.
In all likelihood, I will never be enough. I never have been.
Monday, February 21, 2011
"I don't care about YOU."
The response I got to the statement "Because you don't care about your family..."
This just keeps getting better and better.
This just keeps getting better and better.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Disability
My husband has filed for disability.
We've reached a new low in this "process" as any support has been suspended indefinitely. Until he gets this straightened out. Many people told me to be cautious because he "could" quit his job in order to avoid paying child support. I KNEW Rick would NEVER quit. It is unlike him to blatantly disregard his responsibilities. He has a great deal of pride. However, his work will now "not let him" go back to work until his whole back thing gets figured out. It's like quiting legitimized, as far as I'm concerned. Guess his mom won't have to worry about me leaving him enough to live on. I'm more worried about if there will be anything left over for his six children. Awe-freaking-some.
I'm not exactly sure where to go from here. Although going to work does not seem like a practical option with so many small children, especially a newborn nursing baby. Plus I couldn't make enough to pay for the childcare. Or half of the childcare.
Suddenly we're in a completely different place. I am still interested in any attempt at reconciliation. With a lot of commitment, a lot of faith, and a lot of therapy. But I get it. For sure. He's not. He's got a girlfriend. A new life. A plan? Is he starting over? What happens to these kids? I'm not sure. Shocking. And absurd.
Lots to think about. Lots to figure out.
We've reached a new low in this "process" as any support has been suspended indefinitely. Until he gets this straightened out. Many people told me to be cautious because he "could" quit his job in order to avoid paying child support. I KNEW Rick would NEVER quit. It is unlike him to blatantly disregard his responsibilities. He has a great deal of pride. However, his work will now "not let him" go back to work until his whole back thing gets figured out. It's like quiting legitimized, as far as I'm concerned. Guess his mom won't have to worry about me leaving him enough to live on. I'm more worried about if there will be anything left over for his six children. Awe-freaking-some.
I'm not exactly sure where to go from here. Although going to work does not seem like a practical option with so many small children, especially a newborn nursing baby. Plus I couldn't make enough to pay for the childcare. Or half of the childcare.
Suddenly we're in a completely different place. I am still interested in any attempt at reconciliation. With a lot of commitment, a lot of faith, and a lot of therapy. But I get it. For sure. He's not. He's got a girlfriend. A new life. A plan? Is he starting over? What happens to these kids? I'm not sure. Shocking. And absurd.
Lots to think about. Lots to figure out.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Psalm 57:9-11
"I will praise thee, O Lord, among the people: I will sing unto thee among the nations. For thy mercy is great unto the heavens, and thy truth unto the clouds. Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens: let thy glory be above all the earth."
The psalms are quite inspiring. David was quite the poet, although I am thinking much of his talent was lost in translation. I'm sure they did their best. I just spent 45 minutes reading. Filled with gratitude and a desire to lift His name! The Spirit is such a lovely thing!
I wonder who is out there reading? Send me an email, and let me know what's new with you!
The psalms are quite inspiring. David was quite the poet, although I am thinking much of his talent was lost in translation. I'm sure they did their best. I just spent 45 minutes reading. Filled with gratitude and a desire to lift His name! The Spirit is such a lovely thing!
I wonder who is out there reading? Send me an email, and let me know what's new with you!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Exhaustion
I can't even count the number of blog entries I have started in my head. Having a newborn (and 5 other children!) has made blogging nearly impossible. Especially since (as I have said before) the computer shares a room with Janey. That means naptime and bedtime are off limits!
I've been getting around 3-5 hours of sleep at night - about 1.5 hours at a time. No, not very conducive to productivity... BUT I am starting to get the hang of the new routine, now including baby Parker. My former "break" time (from about 1:15 to about 2:30) when I had only Baby Jane now consists of lunch, People's Court, and feeding Parker. Somehow, today, it still felt like a break, so I think that's good.
Absolutely no progress on the husband front. Trying to keep my frustrations to a minimum.
Out of time. The zoo is calling...
I've been getting around 3-5 hours of sleep at night - about 1.5 hours at a time. No, not very conducive to productivity... BUT I am starting to get the hang of the new routine, now including baby Parker. My former "break" time (from about 1:15 to about 2:30) when I had only Baby Jane now consists of lunch, People's Court, and feeding Parker. Somehow, today, it still felt like a break, so I think that's good.
Absolutely no progress on the husband front. Trying to keep my frustrations to a minimum.
Out of time. The zoo is calling...
Baby pictures
The pictures won't be posted until later (tonight?) but I want to give credit where credit is due!
www.dianabaima.smugmug.com
Monday, February 14, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Scriptures
Psalm 9:10
"And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee."
Psalm 11:5-7
"The Lord trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth. Upon the wicked he shall rain snares, fire and brimstone, and an horrible tempest: this shall be the portion of their cup. For the righteous Lord loveth righteousness; his countenance doth behold the upright."
Psalm 18:30-32
"As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him. For who is God save the Lord? or who is a rock save our God? It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect."
"And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee."
Psalm 11:5-7
"The Lord trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth. Upon the wicked he shall rain snares, fire and brimstone, and an horrible tempest: this shall be the portion of their cup. For the righteous Lord loveth righteousness; his countenance doth behold the upright."
Psalm 18:30-32
"As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him. For who is God save the Lord? or who is a rock save our God? It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect."
Friday, February 11, 2011
Derek
Yesterday was Derek's 5th Birthday.
Derek is our third child. Before getting pregnant with Derek, we began preparations to be foster parents. Right after I found out I was pregnant, we agreed to have two foster children (brothers, ages 16 and 8) come live with us. The pregnancy was tumultuous, given the circumstances. We learned a lot about fostering, parenting, our children, and ourselves. We dealt with a lot of stress and strife.
During most of the pregnancy, we had named the baby Kevin Andrew. Well, I had, I guess. It wasn't until it was almost time that Rick revealed his dislike for the name I had chosen. We frantically searched for alternatives. We liked Keithan Fletcher. So that was it for about a week. Then, on February 8, 2006, our friends Kendall and Norma had a baby boy. Rick talked to Kendall about names and Kendall had given Rick a list of names they were considering. Derek was on the list. For some reason, it struck a chord with both Rick and I. Two days later, I was in the labor & delivery room at 8am insisting that Rick call Kendall to make sure they hadn't named their baby Derek! Luckily, his name was Tyler. So Kevin Andrew became Keithan Fletcher became Derek Matthew. And grateful we are to have him!
Derek was born 16 days early at 8 lb 2 oz. He had a full head of dark curly hair, and we thought for sure he was going to be the darkest one yet! Over the course of the first few months, Derek's skin lightened, his eyes lightened, and his hair all fell out! The peach fuzz that was coming in was white blond! It was the craziest thing. I would constantly ask Rick "Does this look blond to you?" He spit up every time he got fed. And when I say spit up, I actually mean puked. Every time I fed him I had to have a blanket with me (not just a burp rag) to protect me from the vomit that would follow. It is a wonder he gained any weight, but true to Thomson form, gain he did! The puking lasted the first year. Fun times!
Derek is now a bright and friendly 5 year old boy. He has a pleasant and bubbly personality, despite his stubborn stubborn temper. He also has an uncanny ability to pout with his whole body. But overall, he tends to be very helpful (usually willing to do chores like sweep or wash dishes or take out trash) and cheerful. I love having him around. His big blue eyes can sometimes be distracting, but there is a lot going on beneath the surface.
We had a blast playing at the Indoor Playground ("My Giggle Place") for his birthday last night. The kids all had fun, Derek got monster trucks and Bakugan, and Breanna even said "Can we come here for my birthday?" Must have been a success!
Happy Birthday to my sweet Derek! I love love love you so!
Derek is our third child. Before getting pregnant with Derek, we began preparations to be foster parents. Right after I found out I was pregnant, we agreed to have two foster children (brothers, ages 16 and 8) come live with us. The pregnancy was tumultuous, given the circumstances. We learned a lot about fostering, parenting, our children, and ourselves. We dealt with a lot of stress and strife.
During most of the pregnancy, we had named the baby Kevin Andrew. Well, I had, I guess. It wasn't until it was almost time that Rick revealed his dislike for the name I had chosen. We frantically searched for alternatives. We liked Keithan Fletcher. So that was it for about a week. Then, on February 8, 2006, our friends Kendall and Norma had a baby boy. Rick talked to Kendall about names and Kendall had given Rick a list of names they were considering. Derek was on the list. For some reason, it struck a chord with both Rick and I. Two days later, I was in the labor & delivery room at 8am insisting that Rick call Kendall to make sure they hadn't named their baby Derek! Luckily, his name was Tyler. So Kevin Andrew became Keithan Fletcher became Derek Matthew. And grateful we are to have him!
Derek was born 16 days early at 8 lb 2 oz. He had a full head of dark curly hair, and we thought for sure he was going to be the darkest one yet! Over the course of the first few months, Derek's skin lightened, his eyes lightened, and his hair all fell out! The peach fuzz that was coming in was white blond! It was the craziest thing. I would constantly ask Rick "Does this look blond to you?" He spit up every time he got fed. And when I say spit up, I actually mean puked. Every time I fed him I had to have a blanket with me (not just a burp rag) to protect me from the vomit that would follow. It is a wonder he gained any weight, but true to Thomson form, gain he did! The puking lasted the first year. Fun times!
Derek is now a bright and friendly 5 year old boy. He has a pleasant and bubbly personality, despite his stubborn stubborn temper. He also has an uncanny ability to pout with his whole body. But overall, he tends to be very helpful (usually willing to do chores like sweep or wash dishes or take out trash) and cheerful. I love having him around. His big blue eyes can sometimes be distracting, but there is a lot going on beneath the surface.
We had a blast playing at the Indoor Playground ("My Giggle Place") for his birthday last night. The kids all had fun, Derek got monster trucks and Bakugan, and Breanna even said "Can we come here for my birthday?" Must have been a success!
Happy Birthday to my sweet Derek! I love love love you so!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Empty
I feel and have felt a LOT of pain for him, my family, what I've done. But my problem now is WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??
We have 6 kids. I've been pregnant this entire time. I believe wholeheartedly in our family. I KNOW what we could have - Heavenly Father literally SHOWED ME our eternal potential. I'm supposed to just wait? For what? Let him blame everything on me? Yes, I screwed up plenty, but it isn't as though we had a "good" marriage that I ruined. There was already plenty we needed to fix. He has a role in that too.
I love him. I love our kids. I would do ANYTHING. He won't even TRY. There is nothing I can do about his pain, hurt, anger. About what I've done to him and us. I have tried and tried and tried. I have been continually and constantly rejected. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO! IT IS ALL UP TO HIM!
We have 6 kids. I've been pregnant this entire time. I believe wholeheartedly in our family. I KNOW what we could have - Heavenly Father literally SHOWED ME our eternal potential. I'm supposed to just wait? For what? Let him blame everything on me? Yes, I screwed up plenty, but it isn't as though we had a "good" marriage that I ruined. There was already plenty we needed to fix. He has a role in that too.
I love him. I love our kids. I would do ANYTHING. He won't even TRY. There is nothing I can do about his pain, hurt, anger. About what I've done to him and us. I have tried and tried and tried. I have been continually and constantly rejected. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO! IT IS ALL UP TO HIM!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Therapy Wednesday
This week was not nearly as excruciating as last week. Minimal crying. Hooray for me. I've learned so much about myself. Most importantly that I've been in denial for months now. I cannot change my husband's mind. It is not in my control AT ALL. Despite my best efforts, he is not (at this point) going to come back and be with his family. That is his choice, his agency, and I have to let it go. Okay, maybe that's not the most important part. It could be that the most important part is that I have a lot of trouble with emotional intimacy. I'm not sure if that's why or because it was so lacking in my marriage, but there it is. Something to work on. Something to figure out, before I can have a good relationship with my husband or anyone else... Working on things is a lot of work, it seems.
I did, however, get "permission" from my therapist to continue blogging. Hooray for that, too. He says it's good for me to get my feelings out. Apparently it's been good for other people too. I am so glad. Really happy that I'm not just indulging myself and that someone out there is actually getting something useful from the things I've posted. That is a positive, even if my marriage fails. I've done all I can. I'm staying willing. That's all that Heavenly Father wants from me at this point. Not giving up, just re-directing.
There is peace (and even happiness) in acceptance, as difficult as it is to accept.
P.S. Hearing rescheduled to April 18. What are the chances we'll actually be divorced by June? Wondering if we'll make it to our 12th anniversary. That'd be kind of cool... :-/
I did, however, get "permission" from my therapist to continue blogging. Hooray for that, too. He says it's good for me to get my feelings out. Apparently it's been good for other people too. I am so glad. Really happy that I'm not just indulging myself and that someone out there is actually getting something useful from the things I've posted. That is a positive, even if my marriage fails. I've done all I can. I'm staying willing. That's all that Heavenly Father wants from me at this point. Not giving up, just re-directing.
There is peace (and even happiness) in acceptance, as difficult as it is to accept.
P.S. Hearing rescheduled to April 18. What are the chances we'll actually be divorced by June? Wondering if we'll make it to our 12th anniversary. That'd be kind of cool... :-/
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Priorities
Since paternity was established, the only contact I've had is a couple of texts about filing taxes. For someone who wants to see their kids "whenever possible" wants 3 weekends a month put in the court paperwork, it seems strange that I have NEVER received ONE phone call asking for more time, asking for an extra day, much less an extra weekend. Not one request to see the baby (only contact has been during drop off or pick up of the bigger kids.) Not even one inquiry or request to "tell my kids I love them"... Only interaction is at the currently appointed times (Wed night and every other weekend.) Curious...
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Dear Rick-
You're right. You can't trust me, but it has nothing to do with how trustworthy I am. Because you could with some effort, but you "can't" - so that's it. You're divorcing me because I betrayed you and you can't forgive. Not because of Facebook or my blog or HER (although I wish her luck.) You can't trust; you can't forgive. I accept it. I'm done trying to force you to see the light, to accept my change, to want this family whole. If you change your mind, I love you, and I'm listening. Otherwise, you're right; you've decided. We're divorced. No playing happy family, tucking kids in, etc. Stay on the porch. Have a nice life.
Congratulations. You're a Daddy (again) Duh.
Congratulations. You're a Daddy (again) Duh.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
"No one deserves to be hurt like this..."
One of two statements that my therapist asked me to consider over the course of the next week.
I guess if I actually believed that I didn't DESERVE to be hurting, I would stop hurting myself. Or more accurately, stop putting myself into situations that I KNOW will cause me hurt. Stop trying to force change where there is no apparent desire for change... I would just "accept what is"... I'm just not sure how to do that.
I think my biggest problem is that I am afraid that if I stop anything, I will be "giving up" and I do not want to give up on my family. To truly fight for this family, I have to be fighting, actively. Except it hasn't been very productive so far. Actually it has been quite counter-productive.
So, do I deserve to hurt? Absolutely. I want to be punished. Mostly, I believe that if I just put up with enough abuse... But apparently that's MY way. Testing. So this isn't a test of my love. It's outright rejection. And that's the part I have a hard time accepting. Especially when it's a rejection of who I WAS, and not who I AM now.
He hurt my feelings today, the therapist, disagreeing with me. And I shut down, closed off completely. He told me that I have to tell him when I am upset with him about something he's said. I'm supposed to talk about my feelings with him, and I didn't realize how difficult that was for me. I started to cry. Hard. Uncontrollably, really. I think the real problem is not talking about my feelings, but talking to someone in particular about how THEY've made me feel. Suddenly I realize I have intimacy issues. The fact is, I was crying for no other reason than I miss my husband. There is no other person I want to talk to about my feelings. Not being able to hurts. So I keep trying. And keep hurting. Thus my cycle.
I guess the truth is probably that I don't deserve to be hurting like this, but I'm not sure what it would take for me to actually believe it. To realize that no amount of hurting will be enough to change anything. I really don't know what it would take.
I guess if I actually believed that I didn't DESERVE to be hurting, I would stop hurting myself. Or more accurately, stop putting myself into situations that I KNOW will cause me hurt. Stop trying to force change where there is no apparent desire for change... I would just "accept what is"... I'm just not sure how to do that.
I think my biggest problem is that I am afraid that if I stop anything, I will be "giving up" and I do not want to give up on my family. To truly fight for this family, I have to be fighting, actively. Except it hasn't been very productive so far. Actually it has been quite counter-productive.
So, do I deserve to hurt? Absolutely. I want to be punished. Mostly, I believe that if I just put up with enough abuse... But apparently that's MY way. Testing. So this isn't a test of my love. It's outright rejection. And that's the part I have a hard time accepting. Especially when it's a rejection of who I WAS, and not who I AM now.
He hurt my feelings today, the therapist, disagreeing with me. And I shut down, closed off completely. He told me that I have to tell him when I am upset with him about something he's said. I'm supposed to talk about my feelings with him, and I didn't realize how difficult that was for me. I started to cry. Hard. Uncontrollably, really. I think the real problem is not talking about my feelings, but talking to someone in particular about how THEY've made me feel. Suddenly I realize I have intimacy issues. The fact is, I was crying for no other reason than I miss my husband. There is no other person I want to talk to about my feelings. Not being able to hurts. So I keep trying. And keep hurting. Thus my cycle.
I guess the truth is probably that I don't deserve to be hurting like this, but I'm not sure what it would take for me to actually believe it. To realize that no amount of hurting will be enough to change anything. I really don't know what it would take.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)