A dear family friend (he and his wife became friends with Rick and I when I was pregnant with Hattie - they were newlyweds!) offered me the following quote from a book he had recently read. I was going through old messages and found this one dated June 30, 2011. We hadn't even moved out of the Menifee house yet.
"The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails. The way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity - even under the most difficult circumstances - to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him and this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not."
To provide context he was talking about the way Jews in Dachau faced their situations (He spent several years in Aushwitz and Dachau).
What a beautiful quote. It was relevant then, but even more-so now.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Last letter 7/18/11, 11am
It makes me so sad, dealing with you. I honestly do not know what I am supposed to be doing differently. I am giving you this divorce. I gave you the visitation you asked for. I give and give, but still it isn't enough. It will never be enough. When I try to be nice and cooperate with all of your "requests" you walk all over me and still accuse me of selfishness and manipulations. When I try to just stick to the agreement we've set down, I am also being selfish and manipulative. It doesn't matter how I attempt to deal with you, I am wrong.
You can blame me for the rest of our lives, but the truth is that I would STILL do anything to keep our family together. If you wanted to talk, I would listen. If you wanted to listen, I would tell you everything. If you wanted to try, I would do everything in my power to show you how much I believe in eternity. If you wanted to believe, we could do it.
I honestly do not understand how you can so persistently misinterpret my intentions. My only priority is our children, our family. Why would I be trying so hard if I was really all about ME? Why would I STILL want to convince you (after you've been SO CLEAR about your lack of desire) to TRY? What is in it for me??? It's not about me, Rick. And its not about you either.
I understand you are sick. My faith tells me you would be healed if you were keeping the commandments of God and living obediently and righteously. That doesn't mean being with me, just living right. I know you think I judge you, but I don't. I can admit I am angry, but I also know I still have love for you and wish you nothing but happiness. I sincerely wish you were happy.
I would be more than happy to address the truth with you. The truth about our (too quick) marriage, our (emotionally lacking) relationship, my (desperate, selfish, repeated) infidelity, and the hope I will always see for the future. Together or apart. You constantly deny your hurt and anger toward me, but your words and actions betray that denial. The hateful angry language I heard on Friday was not a man living in peace and truth of a confident testimony. I would be happy to bear mine to you, but I'm sure you will only hear the negativity you want to hear.
I don't know how to be any more sorry for what I've done and what we became. I have literally done and said everything I could possibly do or say to try to convince you. You would have to decide for yourself, and you will not. I have never prevented you from coming back. Somehow, I have not convinced you of my sincerity or the permanence of my change, but I have NEVER prevented reconciliation. I've asked you to try ever since we separated. I've been driven to fight for our family since September.
I would love if you could stop lying. You say you can't trust me with the truth. That doesn't make sense. The truth is what sets us free. I'm not sure how I could twist it - it is what it is. I have been very clear about the truth I have experienced.
You've decided you are finished with our marriage. You've decided to move on. Please own those decisions as YOURS and yours alone. My decisions would have been much different. Blame me in your mind and heart, but it just isn't true. I am still willing to work through this. I don't know how you interpret that statement maliciously, but it seems pretty clearly selfless to me. I can see only our eternal destiny. The destiny you continue to deny, and I am forced to tread a new path. I made mistakes, got confused and distracted, was WRONG (SO, SO WRONG) but I wasn't willing to give up on eternity. Not ever. I'm still not, even as I agree to divorce you.
I see you are afraid to trust me. I see you are still hurt and angry. I see how much I damaged you. It breaks my heart. I am not the woman you have described. I am not the wretch you see. I am human with flaws and weakness. I am doing my best to overcome. I understand so much more now. I am trying to honor my Heavenly Father by using my talents to build others up rather than to get what I want. I am not perfect. Our story is not black and white. When I tell people, I ALWAYS include the facts of my infidelity. Always. Those facts don't make me 100% to blame, though. We both played a role. We both continue to play a role. I believe the only way for us to overcome what we've created is with God and with professional therapeutic guidance.
Now I am just repeating myself. I guess I'm just waiting for a rational reason from you. You're focusing on the past when I know I am not capable of those things any more. I could show you if you'd let me.
Sorry to bother you. Good luck at the doctor's. Please tell the children I love and miss them. Oh so much!
As always,
Amber
You can blame me for the rest of our lives, but the truth is that I would STILL do anything to keep our family together. If you wanted to talk, I would listen. If you wanted to listen, I would tell you everything. If you wanted to try, I would do everything in my power to show you how much I believe in eternity. If you wanted to believe, we could do it.
I honestly do not understand how you can so persistently misinterpret my intentions. My only priority is our children, our family. Why would I be trying so hard if I was really all about ME? Why would I STILL want to convince you (after you've been SO CLEAR about your lack of desire) to TRY? What is in it for me??? It's not about me, Rick. And its not about you either.
I understand you are sick. My faith tells me you would be healed if you were keeping the commandments of God and living obediently and righteously. That doesn't mean being with me, just living right. I know you think I judge you, but I don't. I can admit I am angry, but I also know I still have love for you and wish you nothing but happiness. I sincerely wish you were happy.
I would be more than happy to address the truth with you. The truth about our (too quick) marriage, our (emotionally lacking) relationship, my (desperate, selfish, repeated) infidelity, and the hope I will always see for the future. Together or apart. You constantly deny your hurt and anger toward me, but your words and actions betray that denial. The hateful angry language I heard on Friday was not a man living in peace and truth of a confident testimony. I would be happy to bear mine to you, but I'm sure you will only hear the negativity you want to hear.
I don't know how to be any more sorry for what I've done and what we became. I have literally done and said everything I could possibly do or say to try to convince you. You would have to decide for yourself, and you will not. I have never prevented you from coming back. Somehow, I have not convinced you of my sincerity or the permanence of my change, but I have NEVER prevented reconciliation. I've asked you to try ever since we separated. I've been driven to fight for our family since September.
I would love if you could stop lying. You say you can't trust me with the truth. That doesn't make sense. The truth is what sets us free. I'm not sure how I could twist it - it is what it is. I have been very clear about the truth I have experienced.
You've decided you are finished with our marriage. You've decided to move on. Please own those decisions as YOURS and yours alone. My decisions would have been much different. Blame me in your mind and heart, but it just isn't true. I am still willing to work through this. I don't know how you interpret that statement maliciously, but it seems pretty clearly selfless to me. I can see only our eternal destiny. The destiny you continue to deny, and I am forced to tread a new path. I made mistakes, got confused and distracted, was WRONG (SO, SO WRONG) but I wasn't willing to give up on eternity. Not ever. I'm still not, even as I agree to divorce you.
I see you are afraid to trust me. I see you are still hurt and angry. I see how much I damaged you. It breaks my heart. I am not the woman you have described. I am not the wretch you see. I am human with flaws and weakness. I am doing my best to overcome. I understand so much more now. I am trying to honor my Heavenly Father by using my talents to build others up rather than to get what I want. I am not perfect. Our story is not black and white. When I tell people, I ALWAYS include the facts of my infidelity. Always. Those facts don't make me 100% to blame, though. We both played a role. We both continue to play a role. I believe the only way for us to overcome what we've created is with God and with professional therapeutic guidance.
Now I am just repeating myself. I guess I'm just waiting for a rational reason from you. You're focusing on the past when I know I am not capable of those things any more. I could show you if you'd let me.
Sorry to bother you. Good luck at the doctor's. Please tell the children I love and miss them. Oh so much!
As always,
Amber
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
2 Mothers
I have known many mothers. Some I have looked up to. Some I have (regretably, but honestly) looked down on. Most I have learned from. I'd like to talk about a couple of them. I hope they do not mind.
When I had Hattie, I was in the Fullerton First Ward. She was my first child, and I went back to work when she was 8 weeks old. I was serving as the Primary Secretary, and the Primary Chorister was named Kristen Hudson. She was a beautiful, happy, full of life woman. She had just (in January) had her 4th child. I was so impressed with her. I remember her children; I remember her smile; I remember many things she said to me about her experience as a mother. She comforted me by telling me she had to work when her oldest child was born. She parented 4 children (one son was particularly challenging!) with grace and (what always seemed to be) ease. To this day, I draw from her strength often. I try to send her Christmas letters each year, and I look forward to the chance of getting one from their family. She is an exceptional mother who always inspired me.
I finally got to stay at home with Hattie after we sold our first house and moved in to an apartment in Anaheim. In the Anaheim 2nd Ward, I met Tracy Schultz. Coincidentally, she was also a mother of four, and I was still a mother of one (although I eventually got pregnant with Jason.) I was a Primary teacher to the 8 year old class, and her oldest daughter (and, strangely, her half-brother) was (were) in my class. All these years later, I will admit that Taylor was my absolute favorite student in the class- very studious and soooo sweet! I don't think it was any secret that I adored her! Tracy was a laid-back and realistic mom. She handled her children lovingly, and never took herself too seriously. She seemed to truly enjoy her life and her job, and she could always laugh at the most difficult of circumstances. From where I stood, she was happy and never overly critical of herself. Again, I was impressed and inspired by the example she set. We have since re-connected through Facebook, and I continue to learn from her and her family! I am grateful for the friendship she has extended to me.
It may seem silly or self-serving, but I wanted to offer tribute to these mothers who have (probably without even knowing it) helped me to be (and WANT TO BE) a better mom. I meet women often, especially at church, and I see them looking at me the same way I looked at these women. If I can inspire anyone as a mother, I am honored to do so. I love my children; I love my job.
When I had Hattie, I was in the Fullerton First Ward. She was my first child, and I went back to work when she was 8 weeks old. I was serving as the Primary Secretary, and the Primary Chorister was named Kristen Hudson. She was a beautiful, happy, full of life woman. She had just (in January) had her 4th child. I was so impressed with her. I remember her children; I remember her smile; I remember many things she said to me about her experience as a mother. She comforted me by telling me she had to work when her oldest child was born. She parented 4 children (one son was particularly challenging!) with grace and (what always seemed to be) ease. To this day, I draw from her strength often. I try to send her Christmas letters each year, and I look forward to the chance of getting one from their family. She is an exceptional mother who always inspired me.
I finally got to stay at home with Hattie after we sold our first house and moved in to an apartment in Anaheim. In the Anaheim 2nd Ward, I met Tracy Schultz. Coincidentally, she was also a mother of four, and I was still a mother of one (although I eventually got pregnant with Jason.) I was a Primary teacher to the 8 year old class, and her oldest daughter (and, strangely, her half-brother) was (were) in my class. All these years later, I will admit that Taylor was my absolute favorite student in the class- very studious and soooo sweet! I don't think it was any secret that I adored her! Tracy was a laid-back and realistic mom. She handled her children lovingly, and never took herself too seriously. She seemed to truly enjoy her life and her job, and she could always laugh at the most difficult of circumstances. From where I stood, she was happy and never overly critical of herself. Again, I was impressed and inspired by the example she set. We have since re-connected through Facebook, and I continue to learn from her and her family! I am grateful for the friendship she has extended to me.
It may seem silly or self-serving, but I wanted to offer tribute to these mothers who have (probably without even knowing it) helped me to be (and WANT TO BE) a better mom. I meet women often, especially at church, and I see them looking at me the same way I looked at these women. If I can inspire anyone as a mother, I am honored to do so. I love my children; I love my job.
Positive Affirmations
Are Self Esteem Boosters!
Here are my answers today, but I encourage everyone to fill out this form. Find your heart.
1. I like myself because... I truly care about others, and my heart is open to The Spirit.
2. I do...my duties as a mother very well.
3. I feel good about...my relationships - family, friends, and God.
4. My friends would tell you I have a great...smile.
5. My favorite place is...in bed, napping. Or maybe in front of the TV.
6. My Heavenly Father, my mom, my stepdad, my brothers, my friends... love(s) me!
7. People say I am a good...mother.
8. I have been told that I have pretty...hair.
9. I consider myself a good...friend.
10. I like the way I feel about myself when I...care for others.
11. What I really enjoy most is...going to the movie theater.
12. The person I look up to the most is...my parents (ok, persons...)
13. The one person that always makes me feel good about myself is...my brother, Matt.
14. I look good when...I am happy.
15. The color...red looks great on me.
16. I have a natural talent for...eloquent speech and writing.
17. I am most happy when...I feel successful as a mother.
18. My goals for the future are...to raise my children to be confident, selfless, loving adults.
19. One of the many positive traits I have is...honesty.
20. People often compliment me about...my openness.
21. My friends respect me because I always...tell the truth.
22. I have a good sense of...humor.
23. The two things I do best are...writing and...talking.
24. I know that I will be successful in life because I will...never give up.
GENUINELY LIKING WHO YOU ARE IS THE CORE OF YOUR SELF ESTEEM!
Here are my answers today, but I encourage everyone to fill out this form. Find your heart.
1. I like myself because... I truly care about others, and my heart is open to The Spirit.
2. I do...my duties as a mother very well.
3. I feel good about...my relationships - family, friends, and God.
4. My friends would tell you I have a great...smile.
5. My favorite place is...in bed, napping. Or maybe in front of the TV.
6. My Heavenly Father, my mom, my stepdad, my brothers, my friends... love(s) me!
7. People say I am a good...mother.
8. I have been told that I have pretty...hair.
9. I consider myself a good...friend.
10. I like the way I feel about myself when I...care for others.
11. What I really enjoy most is...going to the movie theater.
12. The person I look up to the most is...my parents (ok, persons...)
13. The one person that always makes me feel good about myself is...my brother, Matt.
14. I look good when...I am happy.
15. The color...red looks great on me.
16. I have a natural talent for...eloquent speech and writing.
17. I am most happy when...I feel successful as a mother.
18. My goals for the future are...to raise my children to be confident, selfless, loving adults.
19. One of the many positive traits I have is...honesty.
20. People often compliment me about...my openness.
21. My friends respect me because I always...tell the truth.
22. I have a good sense of...humor.
23. The two things I do best are...writing and...talking.
24. I know that I will be successful in life because I will...never give up.
GENUINELY LIKING WHO YOU ARE IS THE CORE OF YOUR SELF ESTEEM!
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