"And they sang together by course in praising and giving thanks to the Lord; because he is good, for his mercy endureth for ever toward Israel..."
Reminding me to be grateful for my many blessings. Grateful for His mercy. Grateful for the Atonement. Grateful for repentance and forgiveness. Deepest gratitude for the comforting and confirming Spirit of the Lord, strengthening and sustaining me on my current path. Despite my emotional ups and downs, I know my path is true, and my Lord knows ME, knows my heart. He truly IS good. Grateful for the reminder.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
A Whole New Level
My "Anonymous" friend told me, in the very first (deleted) comment, that I'd reached a "whole new level of crazy". What I've actually reached, I have decided, is a whole new level of heartbroken.
Depression
Welcome back, my old friend.
Ouch. The devastation of learning that everything I've written has been ignored.
Having hope for my eternal family is very difficult.
Guess I have to remind myself that this family will be blessed by Him, regardless of his choices and behaviors.
Ouch. The devastation of learning that everything I've written has been ignored.
Having hope for my eternal family is very difficult.
Guess I have to remind myself that this family will be blessed by Him, regardless of his choices and behaviors.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Crooky Pinky Toes
Who needs DNA testing? Just see how their pinky toes all curve underneath the next toe... Totally comes from Daddy's side...
Hattie
Jason
Derek
Breanna
Janey
Parker
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Anonymous
If you want to post a comment bashing me and my blog and the things I have written, please have the decency to sign it. Although, there is only one person I know of who has the audacity to say those things. Leave your name, and I will think about leaving your comment up.
I was going to respond to you publicly. I was going to take each element of the comment you wrote and explain my perspective, but I decided against it. I took your message, forwarded it to Rick, and responded to him. If you are interested in my detailed response, you can ask him for it.
Everything I have written in this blog is true. Yes, it is MY experience, MY impressions, MY truth. It is MY BLOG. Take from it what you will.
As for "details" about my indiscretions, my emails, my personal trainer. That was an interesting request. Here is the truth. I have slept with two men outside my marriage. One was a one night stand that I immediately regretted. The other was my affair and we had sex twice. It took me much longer to regret that decision, but I have learned so much about myself since then. I am immensely sorry, I wish I hadn't done it, but I also know that all of my terrible choices are now part of my journey that brought me to the place I am now. And I wouldn't give this place up for anything. Either Rick will benefit from it by putting our family back together, or just my kids (and everyone else in my life) will glean the rewards, but either way, it is the path I took to my own growth to become a better person, a better mother, a better daughter of my Heavenly Father.
The personal trainer was one of my "crushes" - a non-relationship that happened totally in my mind. As was Todd. As was Ross. That is the extent of it. You have NO IDEA what you are talking about. You have heard snippets from a very angry and hurt Rick. And THAT'S ALL.
My repentance is true, and sincere, and right. We CAN fix our marriage. We CAN be happy together. We CAN keep our eternal family whole. If Rick chose to try. He is not choosing that. That is the WHOLE truth.
I was going to respond to you publicly. I was going to take each element of the comment you wrote and explain my perspective, but I decided against it. I took your message, forwarded it to Rick, and responded to him. If you are interested in my detailed response, you can ask him for it.
Everything I have written in this blog is true. Yes, it is MY experience, MY impressions, MY truth. It is MY BLOG. Take from it what you will.
As for "details" about my indiscretions, my emails, my personal trainer. That was an interesting request. Here is the truth. I have slept with two men outside my marriage. One was a one night stand that I immediately regretted. The other was my affair and we had sex twice. It took me much longer to regret that decision, but I have learned so much about myself since then. I am immensely sorry, I wish I hadn't done it, but I also know that all of my terrible choices are now part of my journey that brought me to the place I am now. And I wouldn't give this place up for anything. Either Rick will benefit from it by putting our family back together, or just my kids (and everyone else in my life) will glean the rewards, but either way, it is the path I took to my own growth to become a better person, a better mother, a better daughter of my Heavenly Father.
The personal trainer was one of my "crushes" - a non-relationship that happened totally in my mind. As was Todd. As was Ross. That is the extent of it. You have NO IDEA what you are talking about. You have heard snippets from a very angry and hurt Rick. And THAT'S ALL.
My repentance is true, and sincere, and right. We CAN fix our marriage. We CAN be happy together. We CAN keep our eternal family whole. If Rick chose to try. He is not choosing that. That is the WHOLE truth.
Mediation
It went alright. As well as can be expected. Nothing like being reminded how much you still truly love your husband, and how much he DOESN'T want to be with you. Still trying, still praying.
Thank you all for your support and prayers. I'm not sure who's out there, but I know someone is reading. So thank you, all those who have put us in your prayers!
Thank you all for your support and prayers. I'm not sure who's out there, but I know someone is reading. So thank you, all those who have put us in your prayers!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
My Babies!
So happy they are home tonight!
Saw Jason and realized I've been staring at that face for the past week. It is almost creepy how much he and Parker look alike. OMG. I was ecstatic to see them all. Although I'm a little scared to try to get a full night of sleep, I am so happy they are snug in their beds. I so love them all. No school on Friday so we will be able to spend the day together. :-)
Saw Jason and realized I've been staring at that face for the past week. It is almost creepy how much he and Parker look alike. OMG. I was ecstatic to see them all. Although I'm a little scared to try to get a full night of sleep, I am so happy they are snug in their beds. I so love them all. No school on Friday so we will be able to spend the day together. :-)
Grieving
I have spent a lot of time, over the past 6 months, studying and experiencing the "Stages of Grief." I have always read (heard?) That people who are going through a break up can experience these stages, and divorce is an even more profound/greater loss. Once I realized I was actually making my way through the stages, I kind of got upset. Does this mean a divorce is inevitable? My therapist assured me that acceptance doesn't necessarily mean there is no chance to reconcile. Because I don't want to give up. I have made my way to acceptance several times, but it is constantly in a state of flux. I'm pretty sure having the baby (and the way he acted) put me into Anger. These days I am back to Depression. Why am I depressed over this guy? Is "father of my children" really that important when I'm being treated like CRAP?
He admitted to me today that he is with her. Not like I haven't known all along, but, wow, what a blow to have him say "Well, yeah." I would do anything to keep my marriage and family together. His affair is no better than mine. And his is actually going to destroy this family. I hope all of his "friends" and "support" are proud of themselves for encouraging him to destroy our family. Destroy our kids lives, as they know them... Feed his anger. Keep him feeling justified "moving on" while we are still married, while I am trying to fight for our family. If you were really a friend you would be encouraging him to TRY to fix this. Encouraging him to be a man who honors his commitments. My betrayal does not justify this, and I am full of remorse and repentance. At this point, it isn't about the past OR the present. It's only about the FUTURE our family could have. We could be whole. We could recover.
You're all freaking awesome. You know who you are.
He admitted to me today that he is with her. Not like I haven't known all along, but, wow, what a blow to have him say "Well, yeah." I would do anything to keep my marriage and family together. His affair is no better than mine. And his is actually going to destroy this family. I hope all of his "friends" and "support" are proud of themselves for encouraging him to destroy our family. Destroy our kids lives, as they know them... Feed his anger. Keep him feeling justified "moving on" while we are still married, while I am trying to fight for our family. If you were really a friend you would be encouraging him to TRY to fix this. Encouraging him to be a man who honors his commitments. My betrayal does not justify this, and I am full of remorse and repentance. At this point, it isn't about the past OR the present. It's only about the FUTURE our family could have. We could be whole. We could recover.
You're all freaking awesome. You know who you are.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
In tonights scripture reading...
2 Chronicles 15:7
"Be ye strong therefore, and let not your hands be weak; for your work shall be rewarded."
"Be ye strong therefore, and let not your hands be weak; for your work shall be rewarded."
Paco
Obviously, Parker has had his name picked out for a long time. Our little Derek, who just happens to speak with a Boston accent (don't ask me, I have no idea) has always called him "Pahka" (just imagine Boston...) And then we would say... "Who's Paco?"... "You know, the baby, Pahka." And voila! A nickname was born. He shall be Paco, at least to me. And probably my mom. The other kids told me they are going to call him Kevin. I'm not kidding.
He is super cute. In kind of a grumpy old man way, just like Jason. He's tiny compared to all the rest of the babies (except maybe Hattie, but who remembers back that far?) and it's really fun to have a baby who feels like a newborn. He even fits into newborn clothes and newborn diapers! As I mentioned, his face is a lot like Jason's was (grumpy old man) except it seems that his nose is bigger. Haha. Sorry Rick, he looks just like you! His hands and feet are huge (just like the rest of the kids were...) and his pinky toe does that crooky thing they all have, too (also comes from Rick's side, I'm not kidding.) The biggest difference is that he MAY (just MAY) have Cantu hair (my mom's side) because it is so far quite dark and THICK! The kids at birth have always had very thin, feathery hair. When I washed Parker's it got SOOO FUZZY! It was adorable. And he loves being clean. Yay! Just hope it doesn't all fall out and come in blond. Haha. Just kidding. That would be cool too. With Derek it happened around 3 months. Guess we'll just have to wait and see.
I've really been enjoying my time with just Parker, even though I haven't gotten as much rest as I truly need and would have liked. Oh well. The kids come home tomorrow night and then they are gone again this weekend. It has been much different without them around, but I've definitely needed to recover before I'm at full swing again. (Pain meds!!!!)
Mediation on Thursday. Rick hasn't seen the baby since Thursday. He's not interested in coming here to see him. He says he wants to do the DNA test when he drops the kids off tomorrow. Whoop-dee-doo. I know who the father is. :-P Oh well.
I am accepting that he's divorcing me. I don't like it. I don't want it. But I have to accept it eventually. I believe he's an idiot for giving up on his family, but if he never comes back... I will be loved again. And better. Either way, I know it will be better than it was. It has to be. I'm already better.
Gonna try to get some more pics up soon. He's growing so fast!! :-)
He is super cute. In kind of a grumpy old man way, just like Jason. He's tiny compared to all the rest of the babies (except maybe Hattie, but who remembers back that far?) and it's really fun to have a baby who feels like a newborn. He even fits into newborn clothes and newborn diapers! As I mentioned, his face is a lot like Jason's was (grumpy old man) except it seems that his nose is bigger. Haha. Sorry Rick, he looks just like you! His hands and feet are huge (just like the rest of the kids were...) and his pinky toe does that crooky thing they all have, too (also comes from Rick's side, I'm not kidding.) The biggest difference is that he MAY (just MAY) have Cantu hair (my mom's side) because it is so far quite dark and THICK! The kids at birth have always had very thin, feathery hair. When I washed Parker's it got SOOO FUZZY! It was adorable. And he loves being clean. Yay! Just hope it doesn't all fall out and come in blond. Haha. Just kidding. That would be cool too. With Derek it happened around 3 months. Guess we'll just have to wait and see.
I've really been enjoying my time with just Parker, even though I haven't gotten as much rest as I truly need and would have liked. Oh well. The kids come home tomorrow night and then they are gone again this weekend. It has been much different without them around, but I've definitely needed to recover before I'm at full swing again. (Pain meds!!!!)
Mediation on Thursday. Rick hasn't seen the baby since Thursday. He's not interested in coming here to see him. He says he wants to do the DNA test when he drops the kids off tomorrow. Whoop-dee-doo. I know who the father is. :-P Oh well.
I am accepting that he's divorcing me. I don't like it. I don't want it. But I have to accept it eventually. I believe he's an idiot for giving up on his family, but if he never comes back... I will be loved again. And better. Either way, I know it will be better than it was. It has to be. I'm already better.
Gonna try to get some more pics up soon. He's growing so fast!! :-)
Monday, January 24, 2011
Indiana
I started writing this post on December 12, 2010.
IN MY OPINION, this is the biggest reason that our marriage is going to fail. Rick will vehemently deny that this is a factor IN ANY WAY. I am fed up with the way he has treated and is treating me and our children. I am tired of pretending to believe his lies. I am hurt that other people are supporting him in his lies, to the detriment of my family, my children. You can all believe what you will. I know the truth. Rick tells me I am "pitiful" and that I should "go find the love of [my] life"... Apparently he's finally found his.
***************
Almost immediately after our "separation" (June 18th) Rick admitted to me that he had gotten in contact with an "old (close) friend (who's a girl)" again. She was providing emotional support to him since she had been through a divorce years ago. She lived in Indiana. I didn't feel that it was a threat. He was getting support; he needed support.
Then, at the end of August, I was looking through my cell phone bill (which was excessively high) and noticed that he had spent over 9500 minutes on the cell phone. Who was he talking to? That seemed like a lot! So I went into the call history, and found a rude awakening. Over the course of the previous month, Rick had been on the phone with Indiana for anywhere from 3 hours to 6 hours to even sometimes 9 hours per day, every single day. Work days, weekends, days with my kids, early mornings, late nights, all of the freaking time... I was floored. This no longer seemed like innocent friendship and support to me. I was concerned. I confronted him. He denied. "Friend, friend, friend, friend..." was all I got. I tried to believe him. I asked him to remove his cell phone from the account so that I would not have the temptation to keep track of his contact with her. He transferred the cell phone onto her account "because she gets a discount on her service..." Hmmm. Whatever. Excuses. She was still in Indiana. How much trouble could this be?
Rick had been planning a trip over Labor Day weekend, and I suddenly realized that he must be flying back to Indiana. When I asked him, he said "Yes, but not for her. It's her aunt that's paying for it. The aunt really wanted to see me..." but of course he would see "her" while he was there. Hmmm. I tried to believe him.
The weekend after Labor Day, Rick had visitation with the children. I didn't find out until Sunday after church that "Indiana" had MOVED TO CALIFORNIA that weekend. He stayed in the same house with her, with the children, all weekend. The kids immediately fell in love with her 4yo daughter. Rick insisted he "didn't know she was coming. No one told me even last week when I was there..." Hmmm. I tried to believe him. I expressed to him my concerns about him introducing the children to another woman (EVEN "JUST A FRIEND") and begged him to NOT involve the children. I asked him to respect my request to keep her away from the children. He told the kids that they wouldn't be spending the night at that house any more because it was "inappropriate" now that Indiana lived there. He told me he would not bring the children around her. Both of those things were short lived.
The next Friday, he took the kids to the movies with Her, another friend (and his then fiance) and all of their children. Seemed like a date to me. I was flabbergasted. When I confronted him, he promised, again, not to do it again. Obviously, he wasn't being honest. It was the next day (Saturday, September 25) that I had my change of heart. He came over, I poured out my heart to him, and he was obviously conflicted. He told me he thought he was in love with Her. And he KNEW that she "truly" loved him. He spent the night with me. The next morning, she called him on the phone and I could hear him trying to comfort Her "No, it's okay, don't worry, it'll be alright... I don't know what to say... I don't know what to say..." "YOU ARE STILL MARRIED!" I screamed. "YOU ARE STILL MARRIED! THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY!" When I returned to the house, we sat down and talked. He admitted his confusion. He did not deny the relationship. He told me they had kissed "once"... I tried to believe him. That day, I met with his Bishop trying to get confirmation that Rick needed to stop contact with this other woman. At first his Bishop disagreed. He said that they were "just friends" and were allowed to be "friends". OMG. I was livid. Admitted romantic feelings and physical intimacy is suddenly being referred to as "just friends"? Holy cow! I left to speak with my own Bishop and tried to calm myself. I got a blessing. So grateful for my Bishop. I returned to his Bishop and had a much calmer conversation. "I looked it up again," he said, "and the Handbook DOES say 'no contact.' So, I told Rick that he needs to cut off contact with her." "Rick decided," he continued," to try to cut off contact as much as possible with you both." Supposedly he would pray on it and see what Heavenly Father would have him do. This was back in September. The answer he received at that time was that he could not return to me, to his family. He NEVER cut of contact with her. He has continued his "friend" relationship with her ever since.
Over the course of the following month (now into October) he continued to see her and her daughter on each and every visit with the kids (Wednesdays and Weekends) and two weeks before Halloween (Oct 15 - 17, he had the children with him) I drove by her house on Saturday night to find the van parked out front at 11:30pm. He obviously no longer cared about what was "appropriate" any more. They had spent the entire weekend there, sleeping over both nights.
November 1, Rick moved into his own 1 bedroom apartment. Now he had no excuse. He had "his own place" to take the children. He continued to see her (and her daughter) with each and every visit with the children. On November 8, I went back to old cell phone bills and realized that the hours long conversations started much earlier than I had thought - within days of our initial separation, before the move from Menifee, even. He had still been sleeping (and I mean NOT sleeping) with me regularly (even within minutes of conversations with her on the phone.)
Hattie mentioned that they had slept over Her place again on November 13, after he brought both Her and her child and our kids out for a visit with one of his friends and their family. Wow. I realized then that he was no longer pretending. Although he was still denying everything to me, he was openly telling other people that he "is in love with someone else and getting a divorce." Oh, the irony. I could relate so fully, yet I knew/know how WRONG it all was/is.
I didn't find out until December, but he filed for divorce the next Tuesday (November 16). It took another 3 weeks for me to learn of it and for me to be served with the divorce papers.
He admitted to ME at the end of Thanksgiving week that not only had he slept over at her place on nights with the children, but he had also slept there nights without the children. All since he had gotten his own apartment. "I didn't have a bed to sleep on yet..." I was no longer even trying to believe him. It didn't matter any more. He is too far gone.
I never saw this coming. My husband was the man who told me (throughout my entire marriage) that "we would always work it out. No matter what, he would stay. EVEN IF I CHEATED ON HIM." He no longer believes that. He always said "I will never get remarried." and "I would never even consider marrying a woman who has her own children." As I have said before, I do not even recognize him any more. He is not the man I thought I married. That man always said "Divorce is NOT an option, ever."
To this day he involves Indiana and her daughter in almost every activity they do as a family when the children are in his care. The children see her each and every time they are with him, every day of the visit. He tells them they are "friends" and she is "helping" him. I should be grateful he's lying to them. He has them the next few days (so that I have extra recovery time from GIVING BIRTH) and, according to the kids, she will be spending the night there with them. Yeah, that's totally appropriate. Guess it doesn't matter that he has told many many people that he is in love with her. I guess I should just be grateful he is getting help; he certainly needs it.
I am disgusted. Yes, I was wrong and have been wrong many times throughout our marriage. However, I ended the relationship I had, and have had no contact with him in over 6 months. I have no relationship with any other man, and I do not desire any other man. I do not believe anything I have done justifies this behavior on his part. I am still devoted to him and my family. He is divorcing me. That's the choice he is making. Although he continues to blame me 100%.
Grow up. Be a man. Take care of your family.
I don't know who this man is. I don't know what he is doing, or how he is making his decisions. Yet, Heavenly Father will not let me stop loving him. He is my husband, my eternal companion, and he will always be the father of my children. I may be able to find someone who will treat me better, but I will never be able to replace their father. They will always seek his love, attention, approval, and to that end I have to be willing to repair what has been broken. Heavenly Father will not let me stop fighting to put my family back together. My faith in Heavenly Father and my Love for my children are all I have left to guide me. They are both serving me well. My testimony is strong. My path is true. I will be okay. My children will be okay. I know these things for sure.
IN MY OPINION, this is the biggest reason that our marriage is going to fail. Rick will vehemently deny that this is a factor IN ANY WAY. I am fed up with the way he has treated and is treating me and our children. I am tired of pretending to believe his lies. I am hurt that other people are supporting him in his lies, to the detriment of my family, my children. You can all believe what you will. I know the truth. Rick tells me I am "pitiful" and that I should "go find the love of [my] life"... Apparently he's finally found his.
***************
Almost immediately after our "separation" (June 18th) Rick admitted to me that he had gotten in contact with an "old (close) friend (who's a girl)" again. She was providing emotional support to him since she had been through a divorce years ago. She lived in Indiana. I didn't feel that it was a threat. He was getting support; he needed support.
Then, at the end of August, I was looking through my cell phone bill (which was excessively high) and noticed that he had spent over 9500 minutes on the cell phone. Who was he talking to? That seemed like a lot! So I went into the call history, and found a rude awakening. Over the course of the previous month, Rick had been on the phone with Indiana for anywhere from 3 hours to 6 hours to even sometimes 9 hours per day, every single day. Work days, weekends, days with my kids, early mornings, late nights, all of the freaking time... I was floored. This no longer seemed like innocent friendship and support to me. I was concerned. I confronted him. He denied. "Friend, friend, friend, friend..." was all I got. I tried to believe him. I asked him to remove his cell phone from the account so that I would not have the temptation to keep track of his contact with her. He transferred the cell phone onto her account "because she gets a discount on her service..." Hmmm. Whatever. Excuses. She was still in Indiana. How much trouble could this be?
Rick had been planning a trip over Labor Day weekend, and I suddenly realized that he must be flying back to Indiana. When I asked him, he said "Yes, but not for her. It's her aunt that's paying for it. The aunt really wanted to see me..." but of course he would see "her" while he was there. Hmmm. I tried to believe him.
The weekend after Labor Day, Rick had visitation with the children. I didn't find out until Sunday after church that "Indiana" had MOVED TO CALIFORNIA that weekend. He stayed in the same house with her, with the children, all weekend. The kids immediately fell in love with her 4yo daughter. Rick insisted he "didn't know she was coming. No one told me even last week when I was there..." Hmmm. I tried to believe him. I expressed to him my concerns about him introducing the children to another woman (EVEN "JUST A FRIEND") and begged him to NOT involve the children. I asked him to respect my request to keep her away from the children. He told the kids that they wouldn't be spending the night at that house any more because it was "inappropriate" now that Indiana lived there. He told me he would not bring the children around her. Both of those things were short lived.
The next Friday, he took the kids to the movies with Her, another friend (and his then fiance) and all of their children. Seemed like a date to me. I was flabbergasted. When I confronted him, he promised, again, not to do it again. Obviously, he wasn't being honest. It was the next day (Saturday, September 25) that I had my change of heart. He came over, I poured out my heart to him, and he was obviously conflicted. He told me he thought he was in love with Her. And he KNEW that she "truly" loved him. He spent the night with me. The next morning, she called him on the phone and I could hear him trying to comfort Her "No, it's okay, don't worry, it'll be alright... I don't know what to say... I don't know what to say..." "YOU ARE STILL MARRIED!" I screamed. "YOU ARE STILL MARRIED! THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY!" When I returned to the house, we sat down and talked. He admitted his confusion. He did not deny the relationship. He told me they had kissed "once"... I tried to believe him. That day, I met with his Bishop trying to get confirmation that Rick needed to stop contact with this other woman. At first his Bishop disagreed. He said that they were "just friends" and were allowed to be "friends". OMG. I was livid. Admitted romantic feelings and physical intimacy is suddenly being referred to as "just friends"? Holy cow! I left to speak with my own Bishop and tried to calm myself. I got a blessing. So grateful for my Bishop. I returned to his Bishop and had a much calmer conversation. "I looked it up again," he said, "and the Handbook DOES say 'no contact.' So, I told Rick that he needs to cut off contact with her." "Rick decided," he continued," to try to cut off contact as much as possible with you both." Supposedly he would pray on it and see what Heavenly Father would have him do. This was back in September. The answer he received at that time was that he could not return to me, to his family. He NEVER cut of contact with her. He has continued his "friend" relationship with her ever since.
Over the course of the following month (now into October) he continued to see her and her daughter on each and every visit with the kids (Wednesdays and Weekends) and two weeks before Halloween (Oct 15 - 17, he had the children with him) I drove by her house on Saturday night to find the van parked out front at 11:30pm. He obviously no longer cared about what was "appropriate" any more. They had spent the entire weekend there, sleeping over both nights.
November 1, Rick moved into his own 1 bedroom apartment. Now he had no excuse. He had "his own place" to take the children. He continued to see her (and her daughter) with each and every visit with the children. On November 8, I went back to old cell phone bills and realized that the hours long conversations started much earlier than I had thought - within days of our initial separation, before the move from Menifee, even. He had still been sleeping (and I mean NOT sleeping) with me regularly (even within minutes of conversations with her on the phone.)
Hattie mentioned that they had slept over Her place again on November 13, after he brought both Her and her child and our kids out for a visit with one of his friends and their family. Wow. I realized then that he was no longer pretending. Although he was still denying everything to me, he was openly telling other people that he "is in love with someone else and getting a divorce." Oh, the irony. I could relate so fully, yet I knew/know how WRONG it all was/is.
I didn't find out until December, but he filed for divorce the next Tuesday (November 16). It took another 3 weeks for me to learn of it and for me to be served with the divorce papers.
He admitted to ME at the end of Thanksgiving week that not only had he slept over at her place on nights with the children, but he had also slept there nights without the children. All since he had gotten his own apartment. "I didn't have a bed to sleep on yet..." I was no longer even trying to believe him. It didn't matter any more. He is too far gone.
I never saw this coming. My husband was the man who told me (throughout my entire marriage) that "we would always work it out. No matter what, he would stay. EVEN IF I CHEATED ON HIM." He no longer believes that. He always said "I will never get remarried." and "I would never even consider marrying a woman who has her own children." As I have said before, I do not even recognize him any more. He is not the man I thought I married. That man always said "Divorce is NOT an option, ever."
To this day he involves Indiana and her daughter in almost every activity they do as a family when the children are in his care. The children see her each and every time they are with him, every day of the visit. He tells them they are "friends" and she is "helping" him. I should be grateful he's lying to them. He has them the next few days (so that I have extra recovery time from GIVING BIRTH) and, according to the kids, she will be spending the night there with them. Yeah, that's totally appropriate. Guess it doesn't matter that he has told many many people that he is in love with her. I guess I should just be grateful he is getting help; he certainly needs it.
I am disgusted. Yes, I was wrong and have been wrong many times throughout our marriage. However, I ended the relationship I had, and have had no contact with him in over 6 months. I have no relationship with any other man, and I do not desire any other man. I do not believe anything I have done justifies this behavior on his part. I am still devoted to him and my family. He is divorcing me. That's the choice he is making. Although he continues to blame me 100%.
Grow up. Be a man. Take care of your family.
I don't know who this man is. I don't know what he is doing, or how he is making his decisions. Yet, Heavenly Father will not let me stop loving him. He is my husband, my eternal companion, and he will always be the father of my children. I may be able to find someone who will treat me better, but I will never be able to replace their father. They will always seek his love, attention, approval, and to that end I have to be willing to repair what has been broken. Heavenly Father will not let me stop fighting to put my family back together. My faith in Heavenly Father and my Love for my children are all I have left to guide me. They are both serving me well. My testimony is strong. My path is true. I will be okay. My children will be okay. I know these things for sure.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Class Act
So, when Rick arrived at the hospital on Thursday, I had another visitor arrive right at the same time.
"Hi Rick," she said, "Congratulations!"
What was his response?
"Yeah, whatever."
And he thinks I'm trying to save our marriage because I "realize what I've lost."
My children are the only thing that matters to me. And "what is best for them" is to have their mother and their father together. Committed to each other and the family. Showing them that sometimes love is about endurance, and doing the work. We'd have to re-commit, both of us. We'd have to change. I think its worth it. I think they are worth it. No matter how hard it is, how much it hurts, or how long it takes. What are they worth to Rick?
"Hi Rick," she said, "Congratulations!"
What was his response?
"Yeah, whatever."
And he thinks I'm trying to save our marriage because I "realize what I've lost."
My children are the only thing that matters to me. And "what is best for them" is to have their mother and their father together. Committed to each other and the family. Showing them that sometimes love is about endurance, and doing the work. We'd have to re-commit, both of us. We'd have to change. I think its worth it. I think they are worth it. No matter how hard it is, how much it hurts, or how long it takes. What are they worth to Rick?
Obsessing
Do his friends really support him in NOT coming to see me or his newborn son in the hospital? Do the people in his life really think that the way he's treating me (and his baby) is okay? Right, even? Really? Because I do not understand a person treating another human being this way. Particularly not one's wife and newborn child. I just cannot comprehend it. Who are you? Who are these people?
Superhero Baby!
We named Parker when I was pregnant with Jane. We had to pick out a boy's name, and Jason suggested "Peter Parker" (yes, like Spiderman) to us. Both Rick and I liked Parker, but not Peter. I had remembered that Rick's Grandpa Lloyd's middle name was Wayne, and, of course Batman is "Bruce Wayne" as well. I loved the idea of naming a baby Parker Wayne, and miraculously Rick agreed. I think it was the easiest name choice we ever made. Of course, Janey was a girl, so we didn't use it then, but once we found out this baby was a boy, it was a simple decision. I still liked the name and Rick still liked the name and we really didn't need to have another thing to fight over during this pregnancy. The separation was hard enough. So there you have it. Superhero Baby.
And I think he really is a superhero. He's very strong. He can already lift his head. On his belly, on my chest, he pushes up and looks around. Janey and Jason were both able to do that within the first day, but they were also both over 9 lbs! He's the smallest one and can still push himself up. So cute!
My brother Matt said that maybe he's like an ant and his strength will be ten times his size. Haha. So clever, that Matt. I guess we'll see.
Everyone keeps telling me that Rick will regret having not been here. I don't know. I hope so? I hope not? I don't think this could be any more difficult, emotionally. At least I know I am thrilled about Parker. He is truly incredible.
And I think he really is a superhero. He's very strong. He can already lift his head. On his belly, on my chest, he pushes up and looks around. Janey and Jason were both able to do that within the first day, but they were also both over 9 lbs! He's the smallest one and can still push himself up. So cute!
My brother Matt said that maybe he's like an ant and his strength will be ten times his size. Haha. So clever, that Matt. I guess we'll see.
Everyone keeps telling me that Rick will regret having not been here. I don't know. I hope so? I hope not? I don't think this could be any more difficult, emotionally. At least I know I am thrilled about Parker. He is truly incredible.
Friday, January 21, 2011
For the record.
After many years of my distractions, crushes, wandering heart, desiring other men, developing feelings (real and imaginary), being heartbroken, I eventually had an affair. Each time I let myself get distracted, Rick was well aware of what I was going through and never left. Yes, we had therapy and different therapists and attempts to fix what was wrong, but never did we (I/they) get to the heart of the matter or solve the problem. Never was I truly remorseful or repentant, never did I commit to stopping. This experience has changed me. I see so clearly where I went wrong. In no way was Rick the perfect husband or father. If I had it to do over again, I would likely choose differently. But I definitely now know that I was very very wrong in my thoughts, feelings and actions. I did not have the love, devotion, commitment I should have had to my husband or my marriage. I was completely, entirely selfish. However, I am now committed to doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to fix this marriage, to save this family. I have changed. I continue to change. Regardless of the outcome of my marriage, I have become a better person and a better mother because of this. And I am still working on me. Every day, every week. Is it too little too late for my marriage and family? Rick would say yes. I say it doesn't have to be. He would say that he was 'trying' all of those years. I say that 'staying' isn't the same as 'trying'. He would say that he gave me "chances" to change. I wonder, is it really giving me a chance, when I haven't asked for it? When I haven't offered to change anything?? Right now, this time, is the only chance that matters. Right now, he's withholding. Not just withholding on me, but withholding on his children. Depriving them of the "chance" of their family being whole, of their parents learning to love each other, of the true eternal union of their family.
He is hurt, he is angry, he is scared to take the "risk" that I will hurt him again. All I want is the chance to show him how different this relationship can be. To love him, and God, and our children like none of us have ever experienced before.
He is hurt, he is angry, he is scared to take the "risk" that I will hurt him again. All I want is the chance to show him how different this relationship can be. To love him, and God, and our children like none of us have ever experienced before.
My heart is full.
I am so excited about this baby. Maybe I shouldn't be excited about the responsibility of another child, but I am totally excited about the joy. He is so perfect. It is such a miracle. My stepdad and I were talking this morning and reflecting on the fact that these first couple days are a really special time in a baby's life. Or maybe in a Mommy's life with a baby. I've always had this first day or two in the hospital with my babies. For some reason, this time, with Parker, it feels more profound, more significant. He is truly a special spirit to me. His presence in my life will always have a little extra meaning. This pregnancy was so unique in so many ways. It has been a turning point in my life. Whether or not my husband EVER chooses to come back to us (and most people would assure me that he will NOT EVER EVER EVER come back - based on his current attitude) my life from this point on will forever be different. I will forever be a different, better, more whole person than I have ever been. All of my relationships - with my family, my friends, my children, even any future partner - have benefited and will benefit for the growth and progress I have made during this time, both personally and spiritually. It is profoundly humbling.
Giving up control is the most difficult thing to do. At least I know that in God's hands, it's in good hands.
Giving up control is the most difficult thing to do. At least I know that in God's hands, it's in good hands.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Rick
Sometimes I just wish I could get real responses to the actual things I say, instead of the same old "this is all your fault, I didn't do this, I can't change it" rhetoric. Maybe u need to wipe that slate clean and start over. Maybe you would get some truth then. See that there were 2 of us in our (bad) marriage and the two of us can still fix it. Make it good, loving, happy. I loved seeing u tonight. I'm ashamed to admit. I miss my husband. I miss us. I love you so much. I can't be any more sorry. You say its too late but it doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be.
That is the last text message I wrote to Rick tonight. Seeing him was so hard. He was clean shaven and dressed nice and I'm sure it had nothing to do with me. He held our baby, and I saw a glimpse of him, the true him. It was so difficult for me. My heart is aching. I have broken it again - silly me, loving my husband, even when he is so awful to me. Silly, silly me.
That is the last text message I wrote to Rick tonight. Seeing him was so hard. He was clean shaven and dressed nice and I'm sure it had nothing to do with me. He held our baby, and I saw a glimpse of him, the true him. It was so difficult for me. My heart is aching. I have broken it again - silly me, loving my husband, even when he is so awful to me. Silly, silly me.
Parker Wayne
1/20/2011 2:39am
6 lb 10 oz, 18 in
My contractions began just after midnight. They felt pretty strong, but similar to what I have been experiencing the past couple weeks. I started keeping track at that point. 15 minutes apart. Dr. Lawton said they had to be 5 minutes... Okay. 11 minutes. Ouch, that one hurt a bit more. Hmmm, I'll wait for two more and then wake up my mom. 9 min. That one wasn't as strong. 7 min. Oh my ouch, they are definitely progressing. Now I need to go to the bathroom. Uh, oh, looks like I'm bleeding. It's bright red. The Dr. said I should expect some blood, but that doesn't seem right to me. So I woke up Mom and she told me to go take a shower... I did, and the contractions just kept coming. Like 2 or 3 in that 10 minutes. Ouchy ouch ouch ouch. I hear Mom blow-drying her hair. That's good. We're almost ready to go. Text Trina and Barb. Text Rick. OUCH! I could hardly bring my bags into the front room.
3 more contractions on the way to the hospital. Did I say I was going to try this without drugs? F that. Seriously. That's what I said. Give me the freaking drugs!
When the nurse checked me upon arrival (right at 2am,) I was 5 cm. I had never actually felt 5 cm before. Every other time I've gotten my epidural at 3cm. And we had to use Pitocin to progress the contractions/labor. Not this time! 5 minutes later the anesthesiologist was there. Nurse checked me again. 6 cm. Drug Lady started prepping and my contractions were right on top of each other. Barely a couple of minutes between the contractions. She got the needle in, and she inserted one dose, but she didn't have a chance to put the catheter in for the repeated doses before another (extremely painful) contraction hit me. I couldn't stop my abdomen from shaking during the contractions. The anesthesiologist was very very smart! She pulled out the needle and told me that the epidural would kick in in about 15 minutes. And it would last about an hour and a half. "That should be enough for you to have the baby." Excellent. Nurse checked me again (it took the anesthesiologist about 5 minutes to insert the drugs) and I was 8 cm. My doctor walked in. Chit chat. Prep. Doctor checked me, and broke my water. She looks up at me and says "Okay, you want to have a baby? Let's push on your next contraction..." What? Are you serious? I'm ready? Okay, let's go...
As we were getting ourselves ready I had another contraction. The epidural definitely took the edge off, but I could still feel things. Hmmm, this is interesting? Alright, lets get set. I pushed, but I wasn't having a contraction. Okay. I can wait. Haha. Here's one. Oh, by the way, I think I was at a +2 station or something ridiculous. Super high. So the first push was just to get the baby down into position. Excellent, here we go, for reals now. Deep breath. One, two, (HOLY CRAP I CAN FEEL THE HEAD COMING OUT! NO REALLY, I AM TEARING IN HALF!! oh wait, I have done this before, I can do this, I can do this, okay, I'm gonna go for it...) "AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH" I screamed really loud. No, that's an understatement. It was a primal experience. I kind of GROWLED or ROARED or something. I felt my body opening up enough to spit this baby out. People from outside came in to see what all the screaming was about. Oh yeah, that was it. One push, one scream. Welcome to the world Baby Parker! It was 2:39am. Forty minutes. The nurse still had to do all the admitting paperwork. About half an hour later I felt the epidural kick in all the way. Whoooooo Hooooo!
That's the story. He's an angel. I cannot describe the jubilation I felt/feel. Except I'm thinking exhaustion is starting to kick in.
Not sure how coherent this all was (I still haven't slept), but I wanted to let you all know... :-) Haven't seen Rick yet, but he HAS called to try to badger me into giving him the van so that his "friend" and her daughter will be able to fit in it while she is taking care of the kids for him. Oh, and he IS supposed to drop by this afternoon to take care of that DNA test. Proud Daddy that he is. I was trying SO HARD not to cry...
A couple pics of my "superhero baby":
6 lb 10 oz, 18 in
My contractions began just after midnight. They felt pretty strong, but similar to what I have been experiencing the past couple weeks. I started keeping track at that point. 15 minutes apart. Dr. Lawton said they had to be 5 minutes... Okay. 11 minutes. Ouch, that one hurt a bit more. Hmmm, I'll wait for two more and then wake up my mom. 9 min. That one wasn't as strong. 7 min. Oh my ouch, they are definitely progressing. Now I need to go to the bathroom. Uh, oh, looks like I'm bleeding. It's bright red. The Dr. said I should expect some blood, but that doesn't seem right to me. So I woke up Mom and she told me to go take a shower... I did, and the contractions just kept coming. Like 2 or 3 in that 10 minutes. Ouchy ouch ouch ouch. I hear Mom blow-drying her hair. That's good. We're almost ready to go. Text Trina and Barb. Text Rick. OUCH! I could hardly bring my bags into the front room.
3 more contractions on the way to the hospital. Did I say I was going to try this without drugs? F that. Seriously. That's what I said. Give me the freaking drugs!
When the nurse checked me upon arrival (right at 2am,) I was 5 cm. I had never actually felt 5 cm before. Every other time I've gotten my epidural at 3cm. And we had to use Pitocin to progress the contractions/labor. Not this time! 5 minutes later the anesthesiologist was there. Nurse checked me again. 6 cm. Drug Lady started prepping and my contractions were right on top of each other. Barely a couple of minutes between the contractions. She got the needle in, and she inserted one dose, but she didn't have a chance to put the catheter in for the repeated doses before another (extremely painful) contraction hit me. I couldn't stop my abdomen from shaking during the contractions. The anesthesiologist was very very smart! She pulled out the needle and told me that the epidural would kick in in about 15 minutes. And it would last about an hour and a half. "That should be enough for you to have the baby." Excellent. Nurse checked me again (it took the anesthesiologist about 5 minutes to insert the drugs) and I was 8 cm. My doctor walked in. Chit chat. Prep. Doctor checked me, and broke my water. She looks up at me and says "Okay, you want to have a baby? Let's push on your next contraction..." What? Are you serious? I'm ready? Okay, let's go...
As we were getting ourselves ready I had another contraction. The epidural definitely took the edge off, but I could still feel things. Hmmm, this is interesting? Alright, lets get set. I pushed, but I wasn't having a contraction. Okay. I can wait. Haha. Here's one. Oh, by the way, I think I was at a +2 station or something ridiculous. Super high. So the first push was just to get the baby down into position. Excellent, here we go, for reals now. Deep breath. One, two, (HOLY CRAP I CAN FEEL THE HEAD COMING OUT! NO REALLY, I AM TEARING IN HALF!! oh wait, I have done this before, I can do this, I can do this, okay, I'm gonna go for it...) "AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH" I screamed really loud. No, that's an understatement. It was a primal experience. I kind of GROWLED or ROARED or something. I felt my body opening up enough to spit this baby out. People from outside came in to see what all the screaming was about. Oh yeah, that was it. One push, one scream. Welcome to the world Baby Parker! It was 2:39am. Forty minutes. The nurse still had to do all the admitting paperwork. About half an hour later I felt the epidural kick in all the way. Whoooooo Hooooo!
That's the story. He's an angel. I cannot describe the jubilation I felt/feel. Except I'm thinking exhaustion is starting to kick in.
Not sure how coherent this all was (I still haven't slept), but I wanted to let you all know... :-) Haven't seen Rick yet, but he HAS called to try to badger me into giving him the van so that his "friend" and her daughter will be able to fit in it while she is taking care of the kids for him. Oh, and he IS supposed to drop by this afternoon to take care of that DNA test. Proud Daddy that he is. I was trying SO HARD not to cry...
A couple pics of my "superhero baby":
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Ready
I hate this part. Waiting for baby to make his appearance. I have contractions all night and half the day, but I'm still not in labor. Annoying. Hope it's soon. Seriously. Too much going on next week. Parent teacher conferences on Wednesday and Mediation on Thursday. If I miss mediation, everything gets pushed back even further. I need to see progress! Sheesh. So everyone think happy baby thoughts for me.
Side note, my kids are super cute. Well, besides the fact that Janey Jane did not sleep last night. Not that I was sleeping anyway, but still. She doesn't want me. Just wait til baby Parker comes, she'll want me even less. Anyway, her sleep performance was quite disappointing after sleeping completely through the night on Monday night. Three day weekend with Dad must've worn her out. Breanna, on the other hand has been cracking me up with her "writing". All the kids like to write and draw (they fill pages of those composition books with their work!) but Breanna loves to write most of all. She is particularly good at the letters B, P, and O. So, usually "Mommy, what does this say?" is either B-O-O-B or P-O-O-P. Awesome. They are soooo clever!
Hattie is loving the therapist after her first real visit last night. Much more in control of her emotions and communicating better already. She's nervous about baby coming. Aren't we all???
Feeling good today, after a visit with my own therapist. Despite him making me cry when he asked if I was still willing to work things out with Rick, even though he is so dark and negative. Yes, still willing. I haven't given up on my family, just for the record. I just try not to think about it. I have bigger fish to fry right now. Like having a baby...
Thanks for checking in!
PS. This is preggo me (belly shot!!) last Saturday. Sorry it's blurry, Mom doesn't have such a steady hand these days... 5 grandkids living here and all...
Side note, my kids are super cute. Well, besides the fact that Janey Jane did not sleep last night. Not that I was sleeping anyway, but still. She doesn't want me. Just wait til baby Parker comes, she'll want me even less. Anyway, her sleep performance was quite disappointing after sleeping completely through the night on Monday night. Three day weekend with Dad must've worn her out. Breanna, on the other hand has been cracking me up with her "writing". All the kids like to write and draw (they fill pages of those composition books with their work!) but Breanna loves to write most of all. She is particularly good at the letters B, P, and O. So, usually "Mommy, what does this say?" is either B-O-O-B or P-O-O-P. Awesome. They are soooo clever!
Hattie is loving the therapist after her first real visit last night. Much more in control of her emotions and communicating better already. She's nervous about baby coming. Aren't we all???
Feeling good today, after a visit with my own therapist. Despite him making me cry when he asked if I was still willing to work things out with Rick, even though he is so dark and negative. Yes, still willing. I haven't given up on my family, just for the record. I just try not to think about it. I have bigger fish to fry right now. Like having a baby...
Thanks for checking in!
PS. This is preggo me (belly shot!!) last Saturday. Sorry it's blurry, Mom doesn't have such a steady hand these days... 5 grandkids living here and all...
Friday, January 14, 2011
Welcome!
I have decided to invite everyone to start reading since I am no longer social networking via facebook or myspace. I plan to re-activate my Facebook account if/when the divorce is final. I haven't been above the radar for a few months now - getting myself under control and figuring out what's going on in my life. It's been an emotional roller coaster. The few friends who have stuck through it with me can attest that it has mostly been drama and a lot of lamenting ("Rick, Rick, Rick...") so most of you are probably grateful to have missed it. I am grateful for the support of those few.
Since I am beginning to get my head on straight, I thought it a good time to start letting people back in. I wanted to let everyone (anyone who didn't already) know what has transpired and where I am now. Let the chips fall as they may.
Expect new pics of the kids (from Christmas) up soon.
Please keep praying. It's never too late for a miracle. Although it would take a whopper of one to change Rick's heart, I am still willing to work through all of this mess with him. My kids, my family are my #1 priority.
Since I am beginning to get my head on straight, I thought it a good time to start letting people back in. I wanted to let everyone (anyone who didn't already) know what has transpired and where I am now. Let the chips fall as they may.
Expect new pics of the kids (from Christmas) up soon.
Please keep praying. It's never too late for a miracle. Although it would take a whopper of one to change Rick's heart, I am still willing to work through all of this mess with him. My kids, my family are my #1 priority.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Acceptance
Just as my husband finds it hard to accept that there is any goodness in me, hard to accept that I have changed and want a better life for us and our family, I have found it hard to accept that there is no longer any goodness in him, hard to accept that he has changed and no longer cares about what is best for this family, these children. It's disheartening. I still would love to keep my family together, but I have to accept that Rick's priorities are elsewhere. In every interaction with me he is cold, heartless, hateful, hurtful. I have not recognized him in a long time. Time to stop allowing him to control my emotions. Time to let him make his mistakes. It hurts to watch him hurting our children so readily, but it hurts them even more to experience me suffering. So, today, I'm letting go. Hopefully it lasts.
Still waiting for Baby to make his arrival. I hope it is soon. Seriously.
Jane just spit up all over her blankets in her bed. I pulled the bed coverings off, but the smell is lingering and making me sick (she shares her room with the computer) so I am going to try to make this short.
When Rick and I first separated, I wanted to avoid people "taking sides" in our relationship. What I have learned in the past 6 months is that people are going to take sides. There is no controlling that. As civil as we may want things to be, it is a disagreement, with two distinct sides. I've felt disappointed as I've watched friends who were mine drift away from me, and I've been elated to find the friends on whom I can truly rely, those I can truly trust. I have been honest with all of you from Day One. In my darkest times, I never pretended I was doing the right thing. Even before my repentance, I was well aware and willing to own the fact that I was being entirely selfish, that I was choosing my own wants/needs over those of my family. I feel differently now, but I know that even then I was still being honest with myself and those around me. I appreciate those who have stuck by me through my dark times.
I pray that one day my husband finds truth. I pray he finds forgiveness and lets go of the anger and bitterness and hatred he carries. I hope, someday soon, he chooses to be honest - with himself, with his friends, with his children - and takes responsibility for the choices he is making (not just about ending our marriage/family, but everything else too...) I cannot agonize over it, over him, anymore.
Still waiting for Baby to make his arrival. I hope it is soon. Seriously.
Jane just spit up all over her blankets in her bed. I pulled the bed coverings off, but the smell is lingering and making me sick (she shares her room with the computer) so I am going to try to make this short.
When Rick and I first separated, I wanted to avoid people "taking sides" in our relationship. What I have learned in the past 6 months is that people are going to take sides. There is no controlling that. As civil as we may want things to be, it is a disagreement, with two distinct sides. I've felt disappointed as I've watched friends who were mine drift away from me, and I've been elated to find the friends on whom I can truly rely, those I can truly trust. I have been honest with all of you from Day One. In my darkest times, I never pretended I was doing the right thing. Even before my repentance, I was well aware and willing to own the fact that I was being entirely selfish, that I was choosing my own wants/needs over those of my family. I feel differently now, but I know that even then I was still being honest with myself and those around me. I appreciate those who have stuck by me through my dark times.
I pray that one day my husband finds truth. I pray he finds forgiveness and lets go of the anger and bitterness and hatred he carries. I hope, someday soon, he chooses to be honest - with himself, with his friends, with his children - and takes responsibility for the choices he is making (not just about ending our marriage/family, but everything else too...) I cannot agonize over it, over him, anymore.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Baby Watch
I spent the weekend having contractions. Nope, no baby yet. I know it's early, but it's always early, and I always want it to be earliER. That's just the way of things. Week and a half at the longest, but I'm really hoping to pop by the weekend.
Fed up with the C-R-A-P from my husband. Having him try to tell me he is going to do the right thing, that he always ends up doing the right thing practically makes me vomit. That and the "the most important thing to me is my kids" and "I'll do anything for my kids" BS is getting old. If you'd do anything, why don't you try repairing your family? Oh yeah, that's right, you "CAN'T" because you refuse to try. Oh yes, and if any of you are actually buying the whole "platonic" line, then you are even more moronic than he is...
Hattie has her first visit with the therapist this afternoon. I am so grateful. She is struggling so much. My heart just aches for her. I listen and listen, but I am not a professional. I hope she finds it useful and can benefit from having another "outlet"...
I haven't stopped asking (begging, pleading for) Rick to try, and he hasn't stopped ignoring me. Just another day in paradise.
Fed up with the C-R-A-P from my husband. Having him try to tell me he is going to do the right thing, that he always ends up doing the right thing practically makes me vomit. That and the "the most important thing to me is my kids" and "I'll do anything for my kids" BS is getting old. If you'd do anything, why don't you try repairing your family? Oh yeah, that's right, you "CAN'T" because you refuse to try. Oh yes, and if any of you are actually buying the whole "platonic" line, then you are even more moronic than he is...
Hattie has her first visit with the therapist this afternoon. I am so grateful. She is struggling so much. My heart just aches for her. I listen and listen, but I am not a professional. I hope she finds it useful and can benefit from having another "outlet"...
I haven't stopped asking (begging, pleading for) Rick to try, and he hasn't stopped ignoring me. Just another day in paradise.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Regression
Ahh, and I was doing so well with "acceptance"...
I have reverted back to feeling devastated and desperate, trying to convince my husband of the error of his ways. Someone slap me. I'm banging my head against a wall; I've been crying for 5 days straight. Oh, and this baby is coming SOON.
I am grateful for my parents and all they are doing to help me. I couldn't survive this without them. They are a financial support as well as emotional. Plus the kids are completely destroying anything of beauty or value in their home. Ugh. It is so frustrating. But, I guess that's the least of my worries, really. Just extremely grateful right now. Especially with the imminent arrival of Baby #6. I am an emotional wreck.
Janey is sick, fevering, super uncomfortable, won't sleep. And she won't let me hold her at night (apparently sleeping on top of a bowling ball is not very comfortable, who knew?) - only my mom. So grandma has been up all night the past three nights taking care of baby. I've been awake too, but she's had to do all the work. Like I said, extremely grateful.
I still want to make my marriage work. Nothing has changed.
I have reverted back to feeling devastated and desperate, trying to convince my husband of the error of his ways. Someone slap me. I'm banging my head against a wall; I've been crying for 5 days straight. Oh, and this baby is coming SOON.
I am grateful for my parents and all they are doing to help me. I couldn't survive this without them. They are a financial support as well as emotional. Plus the kids are completely destroying anything of beauty or value in their home. Ugh. It is so frustrating. But, I guess that's the least of my worries, really. Just extremely grateful right now. Especially with the imminent arrival of Baby #6. I am an emotional wreck.
Janey is sick, fevering, super uncomfortable, won't sleep. And she won't let me hold her at night (apparently sleeping on top of a bowling ball is not very comfortable, who knew?) - only my mom. So grandma has been up all night the past three nights taking care of baby. I've been awake too, but she's had to do all the work. Like I said, extremely grateful.
I still want to make my marriage work. Nothing has changed.
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