Infidelity/Dirty Laundry.

After years of flirting with temptation, I eventually had a real life, full blown affair.  Now, let's be honest.  I am a terrible liar.  I technically had this affair over the course of less than 6 weeks.  When I got pregnant with Parker, I was already at my emotional limits with the stress, and the confusion, and the guilt.  The pregnancy sent me over the top, and the confession followed quickly after I realized there was another baby coming.  What I'd like to explore here is why things happened the way they did.  Rick has accused me of NOT telling the "whole truth" here in the blog.  I am not sure what he means (because he is never specific with me) but I am going to try very hard to get through it all and provide the full reveal.  In case you all thought I was sugar-coating the truth in my favor... I'm just not sure what I haven't told.

I believe my husband always wanted to trust me but never did.  A short while (weeks) after we got married, I had run into an old boyfriend on my lunch break.  He had suggested that maybe we go get lunch and I told him I had to ask my husband.  When I brought it up with Rick, he said he was not comfortable with the idea, and the matter was closed.  I did not see that person ever again.  Within months I was at a new job and found myself attracted to other men.  Flirting has always come naturally to me, so I encouraged the attention as much as I could, but remained faithful to my husband.  I think I wanted to feel that excitement.  I have heard about "love" or "romance" addictions and I wonder now if maybe that is/was my problem.  Within a year, I was at another new job, and although I found my mind wandering, it was never to the point of pursuing any type of relationship.  We started having children (Hattie) and I stopped working, and we eventually moved to Menifee.

When the Menifee house was almost ready, we went and visited it.  I was 8 months pregnant with Jason, and it turned out that the neighbors across the street were just moving in.  Three single guys, and the first second I saw Todd, I was completely smitten.  February 15, 2004.  Literally 8 months pregnant.  A month later we moved in, I gave birth to my second child, and my family began to grow.  I found myself obsessing over the neighbor across the street.  I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to see him, I fantasized about him.  That summer, the neighbors on the entire street would have block parties and hang out and I loved having the opportunity to spend time with Todd.  It was ridiculous.  It was embarrassing.  I was shameless.  I talked about my "Todd" temptation and flirtation with Rick, trying to make sense of it, but I/we never could.  Rick was always patient and loving.  He held me when I felt emotionally weak.  I guess at that point I wasn't even anchoring in Rick, I was anchoring in the IDEA of Todd.  Scary how insecure and fragile I turned out to be.  Truth was that Todd would only really pay attention to me when he was drunk, and nothing ever really happened between us.  (Sad that that turned out to be "enough" for me at the time.)  I think my desperate housewife, pathetic crush turned out to be too much, and he just decided to start ignoring me.  I was, eventually, heartbroken, and Rick picked up the pieces.

Fast forward.  2007.  Breanna was born in May, and we moved to Reno in September.  5 months in Reno with 4 kids.  Then Rick in Texas for 4 months. I started going to the gym and lost 25 pounds.  I had a personal trainer (Casey) who became my latest "victim" of obsessive crushing.  I flirted shamelessly and was, again, resisted/rejected.  Conversations with Rick about Casey made him jealous, but did not ever change my behavior or my desire.  Over time, I became more and more desperate, and eventually I got the hint that he just wasn't interested in fulfilling this intense emotional need that I had.  Again, I was crushed.  Again Rick picked up the pieces.  He held me and loved me through his broken heart.

2008. The beginning of the end of my marriage.  I was lost and lonely and began looking (ACTIVELY)  for someone to have an affair with.  It was completely irrational.  I "thought" I was happy in my marriage, but that I had this crazy need for attention.  I joined an internet site to meet people and ended up meeting two different men.  I tried to be obsessed with either of them.  I met with Eddie once and tried to set up another meeting.  I got caught beginning a "chat" with him one night and everything I had been doing blew up in my face.  Rick completely flipped out.  He punched holes in the wall.  He punched a mirror (when we moved out of the Menifee house, there was still blood spatter on the back of our bedroom door) and threatened suicide.  I was a bitch.  I told him he was acting pathetic, feeling sorry for himself, and that threatening to kill him self was the most victim thing he could ever do.  He was cornered in the bathroom, and I stood in his way.  He picked me up by the shoulders and tossed me across the bathroom about 5 feet.  I tripped over a hamper and got a terrible scratch/bruise on my leg.  I was PISSED.  He always had a violent temper (holes in the walls were not new) but he had never laid a hand on me.  I asked him if I should leave, if I should call my mother or call the police.  I told him I would never be "that girl" - the one who stayed...  He never laid a hand on me again.  His temper became more subdued overall, but more EXPLOSIVE.  His patience with the children all but disappeared.  Our relationship, marriage, family, was never the same.

End of 2008, I met Ross - the bar owner - and started in on a new crush.  I was becoming more desperate, more bold.  I actively pursued the possibility of having an affair.  I really wanted to get this guy to sleep with me, but despite my best efforts he resisted.  I think I always picked "good" guys knowing that they would never be with a married woman.  The Ross obsession lasted several months, with many many trips to the bar for karaoke.  I never drank, but I would just flirt, be social, and obsess over Ross.  I still insisted my marriage was happy, and never realized that happily married women do NOT behave this way...  Beginning of 2009, I am pregnant again (this time with Jane) and still obsessing over Ross.  By that Summer I was getting over my Ross crush and finally intent on doing whatever it took to meet my husbands needs.  I thought that if I bent over backwards to please him, that he would eventually begin to meet my needs.  I cleaned house, took care of kids, homeschooled.  It wasn't enough.  It was too late, but I didn't realize it then.  Rick was already gone.  At one point in our therapy session, he told the therapist he just "couldn't" give to me anymore.  He wanted to, and he tried, but the desire just wasn't in him any more.  I SINCERELY wish he would have left me then.  He lost his job for good in November 2009.

It was the next January that I went to our timeshare for a few days "getaway" and decided to have a one-night-stand.  I thought I needed to prove something to myself.  I wanted to feel important, validated, valued.  I thought having sex with someone who was "young" and "hot" would give me what I needed.  I did it.  It didn't work.  I regretted it immediately and went back to my family thinking that the "cheating" was behind me.  But, apparently, I still was unhappy.

It wasn't until March that I began sensing that a Facebook "friendship" was perhaps something more.  By April, I was back in obsessive mode.  His name was Chris.  Mid-April, I took the Vegas trip with the girls.  No, Chris was not there.  He did not go to Vegas that weekend, but it was that weekend he overtook my mind.  This time, the guy was married, so it suddenly felt like the perfect scenario.  Our emails and instant message chats suddenly got very intimate.  Within two weeks he told me he loved me.  I felt loved.  I believed him.  I can remember him telling me at one point that the only way this would work is if I believed him.  I had to always believe him.  I'm not sure now what that means.  We met up (and had sex) twice.  Looking back, it was physically very unfulfilling, but I felt so empty emotionally that the emotional connection was enough for me.  May 17.  I knew I was fertile that week.  I had sex with Chris.  I had sex with Rick. Things with Rick were going great because I always had Chris on my mind.  We met up the second time on May 28.  Like I said, looking back, it's all rather pathetic, but at the time I was completely enthralled.

On June 5, I found out I was pregnant.  The rest of the story has been chronicled in this blog beginning December, 2010.  I will eventually tell the rest of the story of Chris, but for now, this is my cathartic confession.