I haven't cried this much in a long time.
My husband has a girlfriend. She and her daughter live with him in their one bedroom apartment. I know it, he knows it, my kids know it, the church knows it. This is my life.
Today, desperate for someone to watch the babies so that I could attend Derek's Mother-Son Lunch, I asked Rick to ask her to watch Parker and Jane. And I dropped them off in tears (me, not them) and picked them up in tears. Best part is that I still missed the lunch. That was my day.
I am grateful for family, friends, and emotional support that never seems to end. In two days, the kids go with their dad until Monday. I get to have a relaxing birthday. And I can try to forget what I experienced this afternoon.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Me - Internal/External
I think I have matured about 10 years in the past 10 months. Those who have been a part of my life during this time have seen the change in me - as a woman, as a mother. As my story plays out, I learn more and more about myself - more and more about what I am capable of accomplishing in this life. And I am an outstanding mother. Above all else. Heavenly Father has blessed me and challenged me. I am being refined.
Weekly therapy sessions (Thanks for babysitting, Mom!) and the emotional and financial support of my parents, have allowed me the opportunity to progress emotionally at a rapid rate. My growth has been phenomenal. Such an emotional period in my life; Such dramatic changes.
We have discussed, many times, in therapy, the concept of my internal and my external selves. My external self is extremely well developed. She is confident, beautiful, smart, talented, strong, happy. She is patient, upbeat, assertive, even aggressive. She is easy to like, easy to love. She is the person my husband fell in love with. She is the only one he met in that first two weeks. And her smile can get her almost anything she wants. She is not the whole me, not the real me. She is not me at all, any more, really.
Internally, I am not so perfect. I have been extremely insecure, needy, selfish, prideful. My internal self is "never good enough." She was seeking out all of this attention, from all of these men, from all of these sources to get externally what I was missing internally. But I wasn't going to be able to fill my internal self through external means. I was empty and confused. I hid those realities from myself, even. That's not to say that my external self does not have flaws, or that my internal self does not have good qualities. But I have spent my entire marriage (my entire life?) trying to keep those flaws separate - particularly separate from the person my husband was loving. And now that is all he can see - the flaws, the manipulation, the selfishness. It makes me so sad, so frustrated. I have seen the best (or perhaps the worst?) of his flaws in these past few months. But this isn't about him. When I am through this, I will be capable of having a real relationship like never before. I still believe that could be with my husband, but I am not counting on it.
Now it is time for me to develop my internal self. I have let go of pride, manipulation, and selfishness. It is time to embrace the good in me, to accept the imperfect. You have no idea how difficult this is for me. But it is time to let the world in, to allow everyone to see the whole me, to know the whole me, and to accept the whole me.
This journey comes together in bits and pieces. I feel like, even immediately after the separation, I knew of and could see parts of what had happened - parts of what our relationship became and how it got there - but it has taken this long for me to piece together even the basics of it. It has taken this long to start seeing real concrete sections of the whole picture. I am not completely there yet. I haven't put it all together. But it is a maturing and enlightening process.
Last Wednesday, my therapist asked me what I like about me. My first response was to laugh it off. My external self took over - I'm this, I'm that, the other. Ha ha ha. My therapist totally called me out. Why is this so difficult for you, Amber? Why can't you say nice things about yourself without getting uncomfortable. This is a safe place. You are safe to tell the truth here... Somehow, I really heard him. And, eventually, I answered honestly. For 10 - 15 minutes, I was able to be honest. I stayed consistant. We were both impressed. It was a breakthrough. So, I decided to blog about it. I've decided to try to open up. I've decided it's time to focus on me, and to share me. Lets just say, there will be more to come.
Weekly therapy sessions (Thanks for babysitting, Mom!) and the emotional and financial support of my parents, have allowed me the opportunity to progress emotionally at a rapid rate. My growth has been phenomenal. Such an emotional period in my life; Such dramatic changes.
We have discussed, many times, in therapy, the concept of my internal and my external selves. My external self is extremely well developed. She is confident, beautiful, smart, talented, strong, happy. She is patient, upbeat, assertive, even aggressive. She is easy to like, easy to love. She is the person my husband fell in love with. She is the only one he met in that first two weeks. And her smile can get her almost anything she wants. She is not the whole me, not the real me. She is not me at all, any more, really.
Internally, I am not so perfect. I have been extremely insecure, needy, selfish, prideful. My internal self is "never good enough." She was seeking out all of this attention, from all of these men, from all of these sources to get externally what I was missing internally. But I wasn't going to be able to fill my internal self through external means. I was empty and confused. I hid those realities from myself, even. That's not to say that my external self does not have flaws, or that my internal self does not have good qualities. But I have spent my entire marriage (my entire life?) trying to keep those flaws separate - particularly separate from the person my husband was loving. And now that is all he can see - the flaws, the manipulation, the selfishness. It makes me so sad, so frustrated. I have seen the best (or perhaps the worst?) of his flaws in these past few months. But this isn't about him. When I am through this, I will be capable of having a real relationship like never before. I still believe that could be with my husband, but I am not counting on it.
Now it is time for me to develop my internal self. I have let go of pride, manipulation, and selfishness. It is time to embrace the good in me, to accept the imperfect. You have no idea how difficult this is for me. But it is time to let the world in, to allow everyone to see the whole me, to know the whole me, and to accept the whole me.
This journey comes together in bits and pieces. I feel like, even immediately after the separation, I knew of and could see parts of what had happened - parts of what our relationship became and how it got there - but it has taken this long for me to piece together even the basics of it. It has taken this long to start seeing real concrete sections of the whole picture. I am not completely there yet. I haven't put it all together. But it is a maturing and enlightening process.
Last Wednesday, my therapist asked me what I like about me. My first response was to laugh it off. My external self took over - I'm this, I'm that, the other. Ha ha ha. My therapist totally called me out. Why is this so difficult for you, Amber? Why can't you say nice things about yourself without getting uncomfortable. This is a safe place. You are safe to tell the truth here... Somehow, I really heard him. And, eventually, I answered honestly. For 10 - 15 minutes, I was able to be honest. I stayed consistant. We were both impressed. It was a breakthrough. So, I decided to blog about it. I've decided to try to open up. I've decided it's time to focus on me, and to share me. Lets just say, there will be more to come.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
It's Official!
I went private. Not that I'm saying anything private, but I've decided it's time.
Signed the kids up for soccer today. Four of the kids. FOUR KIDS PLAYING SOCCER.
Brief successful communication today, keeping my fingers crossed.
Tired, but happy.
Happy Tuesday.
Signed the kids up for soccer today. Four of the kids. FOUR KIDS PLAYING SOCCER.
Brief successful communication today, keeping my fingers crossed.
Tired, but happy.
Happy Tuesday.
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