I will try to make this as brief as possible. I do not have a lot of time to write, and I'm not sure if blogging about it is even going to help. I cannot hide my frustration as I continue to go along with Rick's determined plan for divorce. Our first hearing was on Monday.
Since Rick is no longer working - and clearly planning to take an extended vacation, errr, disability leave, so that he can "go to school" and "become a chiropractor" - he is insisting on an increased amount of visitation. That is honestly fine with me. I do not mind the children spending additional time with him. I just don't like that an increase in visitation essentially guarantees that he will not be returning to work for the time being. He is perfectly content with my parents picking up all the financial slack for his family so that he can go live out his dream. Awesome. Support is set by the court, so neither one of us can really argue about it, but I will say that they set it at over $200 more than he was offering. Love love love being nickel and dimed...
I would have preferred a different visitation schedule because I do not believe that living in a one bedroom apartment is an appropriate permanent residence. Temporarily, for brief stays, fine, but ongoing for long stretches seems like a lot. I also do not like the back and forth for so many of them and the children being so young. The adjustment is always difficult. Getting them back on a normal routine is a struggle, and I find myself modifying their routine to accomodate - and then regretting it!
I don't understand how Rick has still managed to turn this experience around on me and continues to feel sorry for himself. He is getting exactly what he wants - we are getting a divorce, and I agreed to the visitation agreement HE proposed. How is he still blaming me??? I am dumbfounded. Truly.
I cannot even describe the disgusting drivel that Rick somehow found it necessary to text me yesterday. His intention could only have been to hurt me, and he met his mark directly. I fell apart for several hours. Fortunately, I have good friends and family who were able to support me. And I know better than to allow his hatred, hurt, and negativity affect me. I know better than to buy into his lies. What he says about me is just not true. It's not true.
I am not perfect. I never claimed to be; I never will expect myself to be. However, I do want to be a better person. I want to be a better wife, mother, woman, friend. I am working, striving, every single day to progress in that goal - to be better. Honestly, that is all any of us can do.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Friends/Privacy
I decided to clean out my friend list. My change is rapid in so many ways, but also a gradual process, and I think cleaning up facebook is a good step forward. I don't know who I can or cannot trust. If anyone is reading this and would like a "re-friend" then please send me a message. Most of the people I deleted, it was certainly nothing personal...
In that same vein, I intend to convert this blog to private. If you read regularly and would like to continue doing so, you will at some point have to create a login and ask me for an invite.
I am so tired of lies. So completely exhausted. I'm overwhelmed by my husbands accusations, misperceptions, and blatant lies. I am extremely hurt today. I am not the person he describes, not the person he imagines me to be. It hurts me right down to my core, but he refuses to see anything different. Any attempt I make is just perceived as additional proof of my evil manipulative ways. Somehow, me giving him EXACTLY WHAT HE ASKED FOR yesterday is a manipulative trap and the love and devotion I feel for him is not coming from Heavenly Father. I do not understand. I will never understand. I cannot defend myself against his lies. It's impossible.
In that same vein, I intend to convert this blog to private. If you read regularly and would like to continue doing so, you will at some point have to create a login and ask me for an invite.
I am so tired of lies. So completely exhausted. I'm overwhelmed by my husbands accusations, misperceptions, and blatant lies. I am extremely hurt today. I am not the person he describes, not the person he imagines me to be. It hurts me right down to my core, but he refuses to see anything different. Any attempt I make is just perceived as additional proof of my evil manipulative ways. Somehow, me giving him EXACTLY WHAT HE ASKED FOR yesterday is a manipulative trap and the love and devotion I feel for him is not coming from Heavenly Father. I do not understand. I will never understand. I cannot defend myself against his lies. It's impossible.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Let's just clarify...
I am trying to do the right thing. I just want to do the right thing. I believe that Heavenly Father has made it very clear to me that the right thing for me to do is to work things out with my husband. Am I happy with the way he has treated me (or the children, for that matter)?? No. Am I happy with the way he is acting? No. Do I "want him back"? No, not this guy. Not the guy I've had to deal with for the past 9 months or so. No. Not at all.
God has shown me what we could have, what we could be, if he chose it. He would have to choose it. He is not. To me, this is not about him "coming back" so much as it is about doing right by our children. I screwed up plenty, but I would like to honor the commitment we made to each other and to our children. I have received the testimony that we could be happy, we could love each other, again. I trust God. That is all I can do.
God has shown me what we could have, what we could be, if he chose it. He would have to choose it. He is not. To me, this is not about him "coming back" so much as it is about doing right by our children. I screwed up plenty, but I would like to honor the commitment we made to each other and to our children. I have received the testimony that we could be happy, we could love each other, again. I trust God. That is all I can do.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Menifee
Yesterday, I visited Menifee/Sun City. I go back every couple of months to get my hair cut in Temecula (Jessy Hayes is the BEST!) because I cannot give up my girl. When I make a hair appointment, I try to contact some of my "old" friends and spend some time with them as well. Yesterday was a particularly successful visit. I managed to hook up with two of my friends from the Sun City Ward for lunch before my appointment. Then, afterward, I had an amazing visit with another great friend and her family who moved up to Romoland.
As I drove from Menifee down to Temecula for my haircut, I found myself pondering deeply. "This is my home" I thought. Rick and I lived in that house, in that city, for over 6 years. It was a long time. Enough time for us to have 4 (and a half) of our children. Enough time to build real, meaningful friendships. I like the slower pace out there. I like the way the communities are growing, but not overgrown. Going back is really fun. It really does feel like home.
After my haircut, I began driving back up north to Romoland to meet with Adriana. It was later than I had anticipated being, and it was a little out of the way, but I was determined to make the stop. I believe now that there was a reason. I don't know how to describe the time I spent there. It would be reduntant to try to outline the entire (approximately) six hours of discussion that took place, but I must say that it felt extremely profound. Admittedly, I did a lot of the talking. Probably not a big shocker. I had the opportunity to bear a true testimony. Not necessarily a testimony of the Church (although I think my feelings about the Church were made abundantly clear) but - perhaps more sincerely?- a testimony about my journey. I was able to share the things I have done wrong, the things I have learned, the things I have changed, the things I have done right, and the things I hope to continue to change. We talked a lot about my experience - what I have gone through (including the things I caused myself!) and what I am still going through. We talked about life, family, the Church. I felt the Spirit there with us in that visit. It was uplifting, even in testimonies of sadness or weakness or vulnerability. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have. I am grateful for the generosity and openness of good friends and the love that has been extended to me in so many ways.
I continue to pray for my husband. I continue to hope for reconcilliation. I feel confident in my ability to feel and follow the Spirit. I know what Heavenly Father wants from me and for my family. I pray Rick will learn it too and choose to take that chance.
As I drove from Menifee down to Temecula for my haircut, I found myself pondering deeply. "This is my home" I thought. Rick and I lived in that house, in that city, for over 6 years. It was a long time. Enough time for us to have 4 (and a half) of our children. Enough time to build real, meaningful friendships. I like the slower pace out there. I like the way the communities are growing, but not overgrown. Going back is really fun. It really does feel like home.
After my haircut, I began driving back up north to Romoland to meet with Adriana. It was later than I had anticipated being, and it was a little out of the way, but I was determined to make the stop. I believe now that there was a reason. I don't know how to describe the time I spent there. It would be reduntant to try to outline the entire (approximately) six hours of discussion that took place, but I must say that it felt extremely profound. Admittedly, I did a lot of the talking. Probably not a big shocker. I had the opportunity to bear a true testimony. Not necessarily a testimony of the Church (although I think my feelings about the Church were made abundantly clear) but - perhaps more sincerely?- a testimony about my journey. I was able to share the things I have done wrong, the things I have learned, the things I have changed, the things I have done right, and the things I hope to continue to change. We talked a lot about my experience - what I have gone through (including the things I caused myself!) and what I am still going through. We talked about life, family, the Church. I felt the Spirit there with us in that visit. It was uplifting, even in testimonies of sadness or weakness or vulnerability. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have. I am grateful for the generosity and openness of good friends and the love that has been extended to me in so many ways.
I continue to pray for my husband. I continue to hope for reconcilliation. I feel confident in my ability to feel and follow the Spirit. I know what Heavenly Father wants from me and for my family. I pray Rick will learn it too and choose to take that chance.
Checking Back In
It has been two weeks since my last blog post. A couple of you have contacted me, and I appreciate your concern, but I assure you that there is no sinister reason for my absence. I have had a lot on my mind, but haven't had the presence of mind to blog it all out, plus I have been SUPER BUSY caring for six kids. :)
Now that the kids are with Rick (except Paco, of course, since Rick does not take him - does not show any interest in taking him) until Wednesday for Spring Break, I am taking a few minutes to catch my breath and catch up.
I've been hesitant to blog about the "progress" of my divorce or the "status" of my marriage because I KNOW how much it bothers Rick. Whether or not he is actually reading, it seems he is somehow getting updated as I include him in my postings. He is very sensitive to it. My difficulty, however, is that his (REALLY REALLY BAD) choices continue to affect me and the children in increasingly hurtful and negative ways. Last week he told me that his weekends (from now on) would be for going to school and I am supposed to change the visitation agreement to accomodate his decision to start classes. Hmmm, he can make an arbitrary decision and expects me (and the kids) to just adjust to it. I'm sorry, that is not reasonable. I cannot wait until we stand before the judge. I wonder what he will say about all of the "decisions" Rick is making. I truly wonder. Does he realize he hasn't offered any support on behalf of his children in over 2 months? It's not enough that you care for them when they are with you. It just is not enough. Seriously.
My only other mention of Rick is that the children are becoming increasingly aware of his relationship. I have gotten feedback from uninvolved bystanders who have noticed the children having a visible reaction. They are aware that his relationship with her is inappropriate. They are ashamed. But there is nothing I can do. I am ashamed too. I am learning from my own mistakes and becoming so much stronger - emotionally, spiritually. It is taking a lot of time. I want it to happen over night. I want to get that awareness and be able to fix it all at once. What I am learning is that it takes time, it takes practice to change our patterns. It takes real and concerted effort to change our habits, our established behaviors and defense mechanisms. Being aware of my tendancies is the first step, now my job is to work hard to make crucial changes to the way I act. It is happening, I am continuing to change and improve.
I am grateful to God, my therapist, my parents, my extended family. I don't think I would be where I'm at without them all. I know I wouldn't. And without them, my future wouldn't look as bright as it does. Because it does look bright. My heart is true. My testimony is true. I am going to be just fine.
Now that the kids are with Rick (except Paco, of course, since Rick does not take him - does not show any interest in taking him) until Wednesday for Spring Break, I am taking a few minutes to catch my breath and catch up.
I've been hesitant to blog about the "progress" of my divorce or the "status" of my marriage because I KNOW how much it bothers Rick. Whether or not he is actually reading, it seems he is somehow getting updated as I include him in my postings. He is very sensitive to it. My difficulty, however, is that his (REALLY REALLY BAD) choices continue to affect me and the children in increasingly hurtful and negative ways. Last week he told me that his weekends (from now on) would be for going to school and I am supposed to change the visitation agreement to accomodate his decision to start classes. Hmmm, he can make an arbitrary decision and expects me (and the kids) to just adjust to it. I'm sorry, that is not reasonable. I cannot wait until we stand before the judge. I wonder what he will say about all of the "decisions" Rick is making. I truly wonder. Does he realize he hasn't offered any support on behalf of his children in over 2 months? It's not enough that you care for them when they are with you. It just is not enough. Seriously.
My only other mention of Rick is that the children are becoming increasingly aware of his relationship. I have gotten feedback from uninvolved bystanders who have noticed the children having a visible reaction. They are aware that his relationship with her is inappropriate. They are ashamed. But there is nothing I can do. I am ashamed too. I am learning from my own mistakes and becoming so much stronger - emotionally, spiritually. It is taking a lot of time. I want it to happen over night. I want to get that awareness and be able to fix it all at once. What I am learning is that it takes time, it takes practice to change our patterns. It takes real and concerted effort to change our habits, our established behaviors and defense mechanisms. Being aware of my tendancies is the first step, now my job is to work hard to make crucial changes to the way I act. It is happening, I am continuing to change and improve.
I am grateful to God, my therapist, my parents, my extended family. I don't think I would be where I'm at without them all. I know I wouldn't. And without them, my future wouldn't look as bright as it does. Because it does look bright. My heart is true. My testimony is true. I am going to be just fine.
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