Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Dreams
Dreams can be cathartic. I had some weird ones yesterday, and I woke up so refreshed - ready to start anew! In my dream, I had a heart to heart conversation with Rick. A sincere, honest, heart to heart conversation. He told me how hurt he was, how hurt he had been. He told me that he was truly happy with Carolyn. He told me that he had thought about how difficult things are for the children, and that he sees how hard it is on them, but that he is choosing to be happy, choosing himself. It was mildly upsetting for me, but it was closure. I could beg on my hands and knees for honesty at that level, and I will never get it. It is merely a "dream" that will never come true. I have to be satisfied with the fantasy version. It felt good yesterday. I felt strong in my newly divorced state. I felt empowered.
Today, I woke up tired. Paco has been teething all night the past few nights, and sleep has been scarce. When I am tired, I tend to get more emotional (even when I remember my meds, which I DID!) than normal. Crazy, I know. I really did feel a lot of sadness today. I wished I could have made things go differently. I felt the sting of the rejection from Rick. I felt the failure. I felt S A D! Today, I wanted to reach out to him and apologize. I wanted to make him understand how terrible I feel about everything that has transpired between us. I wanted to cry. Oh wait. I did cry. But as I thought about what words I might have for him, it just made me more and more sad. He has no interest in listening to my apologies. He may say he "forgives" me, but he has no forgiveness in his heart. He is quick to remind me of all the ways I "wronged" him over and over. That is not the love of Christ. That is not forgiveness. I still strive to find forgiveness in my heart for him. Forgiveness in my heart for myself. I want to repair that relationship - not as man and wife (because that is obviously OVER) but as parents of six children, as human beings, as children of our Heavenly Father. I want to make things better. I want to make it right. I still don't know how. I hope some day I find a way.
Sad
I have entered into a state of deep contemplation. In between the insanity of life, that is. I still think a lot about my marriage and its failings, but I am feeling a freedom from the overwhelming devastation that is divorce. I am sad that it ended. I am (still) very sad that my husband gave up on me. It (still) hurts so much, even though I know that I deserve more, I deserve better than the way he has treated me. I'm sure he feels the same way. I really wish I could have helped him heal from the hurt I caused. I am feeling so much sadness this morning.
I am also filled with gratitude for my many, many blessings and for the extensive amount of support I have gotten (and am still getting) from family and friends. I am grateful for the roof over my head (and my children's heads!) and the warm beds we all sleep in each night. I fear the games that Rick plays of "you could come live with me" and the confusion it creates in their heads. I am grateful for the Truth of the Spirit to guide me each day.
I am confused myself. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I am grateful for a strong, healthy relationship with a man I trust. I am grateful for the love and commitment he has shown to me and to my children. I am grateful that the future looks bright, even though it isn't set in stone.
I know God loves me. I always thought this was a weird thing to remind oneself, but I find myself repeating it often. Sometimes I feel so unlovable. Sometimes I feel that because I couldn't keep my husband's love, I do not deserve to be loved. I have to remind myself it isn't true. I have to remind myself that my Heavenly Father, my Creator, loves me despite my imperfections, despite my flaws, despite my tarnished soul.
A crying baby must put a halt to my lamentations and tears this morning. My heart is grateful, but it is also filled with sadness. Every day is different.
I am also filled with gratitude for my many, many blessings and for the extensive amount of support I have gotten (and am still getting) from family and friends. I am grateful for the roof over my head (and my children's heads!) and the warm beds we all sleep in each night. I fear the games that Rick plays of "you could come live with me" and the confusion it creates in their heads. I am grateful for the Truth of the Spirit to guide me each day.
I am confused myself. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I am grateful for a strong, healthy relationship with a man I trust. I am grateful for the love and commitment he has shown to me and to my children. I am grateful that the future looks bright, even though it isn't set in stone.
I know God loves me. I always thought this was a weird thing to remind oneself, but I find myself repeating it often. Sometimes I feel so unlovable. Sometimes I feel that because I couldn't keep my husband's love, I do not deserve to be loved. I have to remind myself it isn't true. I have to remind myself that my Heavenly Father, my Creator, loves me despite my imperfections, despite my flaws, despite my tarnished soul.
A crying baby must put a halt to my lamentations and tears this morning. My heart is grateful, but it is also filled with sadness. Every day is different.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Final(ly)
Oh wow. What a day.
It would be an understatement to say that I am a woman with many "issues." They are complex and varied, and most of them revolve around sex. Sorry, folks, it's the truth. I could easily delve further into the details, but I will spare you the TMI this time. Today, coincidentally, many of those issues were brought to light (again) and I found myself exploring the past and getting super emotional. No, it certainly doesn't help that I am on my period. I have realized so many things about myself over the past year (or so) and I continue to learn more with each step I take. Today was a very contemplative day.
Then, this afternoon, I decided to go online and "check out" my case record. Low and behold, I AM DIVORCED. The filing is official as of November 17. One year and one day after he filed for divorce, it is finally final. Mixed emotions abound on an already emotional day. How on earth do I proceed?
I think the news is mostly happy. Closure, as they say, should help with healing. I have definitely been looking forward to being "case closed" on Rick. Now I am free to move on with my life, unencumbered (if you don't count 6 little monkeys hanging around!) hahaha. That was a joke. But really, I can go forward, and so can he. Officially.
Breaks my heart a little more though. Looking forward to snuggling my kiddos when they get home in another hour.
It would be an understatement to say that I am a woman with many "issues." They are complex and varied, and most of them revolve around sex. Sorry, folks, it's the truth. I could easily delve further into the details, but I will spare you the TMI this time. Today, coincidentally, many of those issues were brought to light (again) and I found myself exploring the past and getting super emotional. No, it certainly doesn't help that I am on my period. I have realized so many things about myself over the past year (or so) and I continue to learn more with each step I take. Today was a very contemplative day.
Then, this afternoon, I decided to go online and "check out" my case record. Low and behold, I AM DIVORCED. The filing is official as of November 17. One year and one day after he filed for divorce, it is finally final. Mixed emotions abound on an already emotional day. How on earth do I proceed?
I think the news is mostly happy. Closure, as they say, should help with healing. I have definitely been looking forward to being "case closed" on Rick. Now I am free to move on with my life, unencumbered (if you don't count 6 little monkeys hanging around!) hahaha. That was a joke. But really, I can go forward, and so can he. Officially.
Breaks my heart a little more though. Looking forward to snuggling my kiddos when they get home in another hour.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Just following up.
| From: | Richard Thomson |
| To: | Amber Thomson |
| Subject: | Re: Cooperating |
| Date: | Sun, Nov 20, 2011 3:43 pm |
There will not be any problems when you understand you are not my wife and that you are not welcome to sit with us You can put children between us but neither one of us feel comfortable sitting by you. There weren't any chairs to sit in on the side where you were when we came in They sat chairs up on the other side and we were ushered over there We had no problem with sitting on same side as you and do not want the children to run back and forth The problems is you want to say and do whatever you want to us and then expect us to want to be anywhere near you We understand that we will have to be together at events like these but we don't have to pretend to be best friends Carolyn simply said she did not want to sit by you You got loud and overreacted You passed empty chairs and the kids and came over by Carolyn She is full aware of the comments you make about her on the blog and facebook and that you have even tried to contact her family with invites to your blog and playdates Newsflash they don't want anything to do with you We can learn to work together when you learn basic social skills The reasonable solution is us delegated by the children You do not need to sit by either of us You can choose to be offended or stop and rethink your actions Thank you
| From: | amberathomson |
| To: | Richard Thomson |
| Subject: | Re: Cooperating |
| Date: | Sun, Nov 20, 2011 9:18 pm |
Rick,
I intended to sit where it was most convenient for the children. It's not about you or her. I chose to invite you to the assembly because I knew it would be nice for Jason. Obviously, the selfish thing would have been to not bother. I would not have had to see either of you. However, I make decisions based on what is best for our children. That includes any contact made with her family. I don't care what they think of me, or if they want to be my friend. I care about the children continuing to feel additional loss as a result of your decisions. I will do what I can to protect them, even make contact with people who have proven that they don't always act in the best interest of the children. I presented the opportunity and am happy to retract it.
Carolyn got loud and confrontational at the sight of me. I responded out of shock and disgust. I have not done anything to her, yet she hates me and thinks she can mother the children better than I. She cannot. Just as no man I choose to bring into their life will ever replace you. I actually experienced the reality of divorced parents, you did not. I will do everything in my power to protect them because I know how much all of this hurts them. I see it in them; they share their feelings with me. They know it is safe with me.
I am not personally offended, maybe the two of you were, though. I would offer the same suggestion - that you both learn basic social skills.
My blog is not public. It is also 100% true. If either of you are not interested in hearing (reading) the truth, you should stop. That is wholly your choice.
I am your wife until we are divorced. We are not divorced. I'm sure you are both aware of that reality as well. I'm sure she's tired of waiting for you to "legitimize" your adulturous relationship. I'm actually tired of it myself, as I continue (and will continue) to deal with the emotional and spiritual repercussions in the children.
Please return the Dora tennis shoes. They were brand new, and those pink clogs are very poorly constructed. Also, the $26 Jason gave to you was stolen from my wallet. I would appreciate you returning it. I am surprised you kept that much money coming from a seven year old.
Amber
Sunday, November 20, 2011
For all the world to see. I have nothing to hide.
| From: | Amber Thomson |
| To: | Rick |
| Subject: | Cooperating |
| Date: | Sun, Nov 20, 2011 11:58 am |
Dear Rick,
Please tell your shack-up honey that when we are at events with our children, for our children, we will be sitting together. Her behavior on Friday was neither civil nor polite, and certainly was not conducive to cooperative parenting. If she cannot handle being in the same vicinity as your wife and the mother of your children, she is welcome to NOT attend such events. Yes, the kids are very excited to see their Dad and Carolyn and Norah when you guys show up, but they also like being with both Mom and Dad throughout the course of the time. It is not reasonable to expect either of us to sit on the opposite side of the room from our children and have them running back and forth. Plus it is/would be extremely disruptive, especially in a small venue like the school auditorium. I trust we are in agreement on this issue and that we will not have any problems in the future.
Thank you,
Amber
Friday, November 18, 2011
Student of the Month Assembly
Jason got Student of the Month for November. I made the mistake of inviting my husband and his whore to the assembly today, via text message. They came. In and of itself this would not be a problem. The kids were very excited to see their Dad, Carolyn, and Norah! They found seats across the auditorium from me. Herein lies the problem because the children tend to shift back and forth. I wasn't about to have them disrupting the entire assembly, so I packed up the stroller, blanket, and jackets, Oh, and Paco, and headed over to the other side - there was an open chair next to Carolyn.
As I walk up she gives me the dirtiest look and says, "Oh No! Oh No! I am not sitting next to you!" I said, "You guys took the kids all of the way across the auditorium." She said, "They wanted to come with us!" I just rolled my eyes. "What did I do to you???? What did I do to you, Carolyn???" was all I said. Oh my goodness. What a red-lipped whore. I wish I could punch them both in the face. So angry right now. So so angry.
Why can't anyone knock some sense into that asshole? Seriously. I am losing it.
As I walk up she gives me the dirtiest look and says, "Oh No! Oh No! I am not sitting next to you!" I said, "You guys took the kids all of the way across the auditorium." She said, "They wanted to come with us!" I just rolled my eyes. "What did I do to you???? What did I do to you, Carolyn???" was all I said. Oh my goodness. What a red-lipped whore. I wish I could punch them both in the face. So angry right now. So so angry.
Why can't anyone knock some sense into that asshole? Seriously. I am losing it.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Lies
1. You said that you were just friends. In August, September, October, November, December, etc... I could keep going on and on. You lied. You planned to marry her as early as August of last year.
2. You said you "tried" to come back. You NEVER tried. Trying does not mean "thinking about it." Trying does not mean "talking yourself out of it." That is not trying. You chose her. You decided. I tried. I kept trying, even long after you weren't worth the effort.
3. You said I didn't change. You are wrong. You never took the time to get to know me. You never gave me the chance to show you. Actually, I DID show you. I bent over backwards to show you. I made lunches, bought a ring, washed and gassed up your truck. Over and over. And just because I am still upset, still hurt, still defensive, that does NOT mean I haven't changed. I still have the same personality, I have just changed my ways. I know now how to be faithful.
4. You said you followed the Spirit. The Spirit would never, ever guide you into another relationship while you are married. Never. I know - FROM EXPERIENCE. I remember feeling that way, and I remember the devastation I felt when I hit my true repentance, when I realized I had been fooling myself and destroying my family. I pray you never feel that devastation, but I hope you find your way back to the Lord, back to the truth.
5. You said you would never leave.
6. You said you loved me. Love endures all things. Even this. You were too weak to love me. Too weak to stick it out. You gave up. On me, on us, on our family. You chose her. That's all.
2. You said you "tried" to come back. You NEVER tried. Trying does not mean "thinking about it." Trying does not mean "talking yourself out of it." That is not trying. You chose her. You decided. I tried. I kept trying, even long after you weren't worth the effort.
3. You said I didn't change. You are wrong. You never took the time to get to know me. You never gave me the chance to show you. Actually, I DID show you. I bent over backwards to show you. I made lunches, bought a ring, washed and gassed up your truck. Over and over. And just because I am still upset, still hurt, still defensive, that does NOT mean I haven't changed. I still have the same personality, I have just changed my ways. I know now how to be faithful.
4. You said you followed the Spirit. The Spirit would never, ever guide you into another relationship while you are married. Never. I know - FROM EXPERIENCE. I remember feeling that way, and I remember the devastation I felt when I hit my true repentance, when I realized I had been fooling myself and destroying my family. I pray you never feel that devastation, but I hope you find your way back to the Lord, back to the truth.
5. You said you would never leave.
6. You said you loved me. Love endures all things. Even this. You were too weak to love me. Too weak to stick it out. You gave up. On me, on us, on our family. You chose her. That's all.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Pitiful?
These words made me cry today:
"First of all, I applaud your commitment to your kids not just from this message in keeping their bedtime but in your FB posts - you are the quality mom I respect and aspire to be like! I agree and support you 100%."
You guys have no idea how much it means to see this stuff written down.
These words made me cry yesterday:
"fritter knew in october that carolyn and I had an "inappropriate"
relationship and k ew our intentions I made them clear. through all
the time after we were "good" and if it were not for carolyn I would
not have been able to have the kids every other week due to the pain I
was experiencing. I tried to know if your change of heart was real and
your messages and personal interactions left me k owing that you are
the same and that you couldn't be trusted or I could not trust you to
come back and try again. I spoke with my bishop here in September and
he knew I was still married to you legally and of carolyn living with
me so wherever you get your info they are lying to you. carolyn lives
with me as a friend a in house care for me and yes my future wife
carolyn loves the kids more than anything yes this is all hard on all
of us and that is why we need to work on making sure that we can be
respectful to eachother. I don't share my "sob story" with strangers
or write my frustrations and invite others to read "that is not
private" telling people to pick sides really im not nor ever was
concerned that you would take me back az I have said before if I had
done the same you would work to destroy me and never take me back and
here you are. you are the same person you were and always will be your
tone and back handed comments never stopped this whole time so I never
came back and I did try but you are the same carolyn and I are not
like you or me or like you a d chris those are things that you say and
believe you are right. all you are left with is name calling and as
your blog continues and you tell your sobbing story you make yourself
look pitiful. I didn't start this conversation all im asking is stop
demeaning me putting me down if you have something to say regarding
the kids then say it. leave out your personal digs. bridal your
passions be careful with brian he has no idea what he is getting into
oven and I hope you are able to teach the children the correct
teachings of the gospel to counter the incorrect teachings at good
news club and vbs"
Don't ask me why the guy doesn't use punctuation or capitalization. Lazy, I guess.
I am feeling much better today.
"First of all, I applaud your commitment to your kids not just from this message in keeping their bedtime but in your FB posts - you are the quality mom I respect and aspire to be like! I agree and support you 100%."
You guys have no idea how much it means to see this stuff written down.
These words made me cry yesterday:
"fritter knew in october that carolyn and I had an "inappropriate"
relationship and k ew our intentions I made them clear. through all
the time after we were "good" and if it were not for carolyn I would
not have been able to have the kids every other week due to the pain I
was experiencing. I tried to know if your change of heart was real and
your messages and personal interactions left me k owing that you are
the same and that you couldn't be trusted or I could not trust you to
come back and try again. I spoke with my bishop here in September and
he knew I was still married to you legally and of carolyn living with
me so wherever you get your info they are lying to you. carolyn lives
with me as a friend a in house care for me and yes my future wife
carolyn loves the kids more than anything yes this is all hard on all
of us and that is why we need to work on making sure that we can be
respectful to eachother. I don't share my "sob story" with strangers
or write my frustrations and invite others to read "that is not
private" telling people to pick sides really im not nor ever was
concerned that you would take me back az I have said before if I had
done the same you would work to destroy me and never take me back and
here you are. you are the same person you were and always will be your
tone and back handed comments never stopped this whole time so I never
came back and I did try but you are the same carolyn and I are not
like you or me or like you a d chris those are things that you say and
believe you are right. all you are left with is name calling and as
your blog continues and you tell your sobbing story you make yourself
look pitiful. I didn't start this conversation all im asking is stop
demeaning me putting me down if you have something to say regarding
the kids then say it. leave out your personal digs. bridal your
passions be careful with brian he has no idea what he is getting into
oven and I hope you are able to teach the children the correct
teachings of the gospel to counter the incorrect teachings at good
news club and vbs"
Don't ask me why the guy doesn't use punctuation or capitalization. Lazy, I guess.
I am feeling much better today.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Funny Thing...
With all of our routines and plans and parenting tricks, our kids still have minds of their own.
Janey did NOT nap today, even though I ended up trying to put her down twice - once at noonish, and once at 3. She has acquired the new skill of climbing out of her crib and has become rather proficient. Excellent.
Then, after Grandma brought home 4 brand new bottles of "kid soap" from the store, she proceeded to empty at least 1/4 of a bottle of suds onto my carpet. Oh yes, I am grateful for that little bugger. Keeps me on my toes.
And yes, she got a nice little spank for that fun task.
So, now I have the challenge of trying to suck all of the shampoo out of the carpet in my room with the steam cleaner. It's going to take forever. And ever. I do not have time for this.
These are my little miracles.
Janey did NOT nap today, even though I ended up trying to put her down twice - once at noonish, and once at 3. She has acquired the new skill of climbing out of her crib and has become rather proficient. Excellent.
Then, after Grandma brought home 4 brand new bottles of "kid soap" from the store, she proceeded to empty at least 1/4 of a bottle of suds onto my carpet. Oh yes, I am grateful for that little bugger. Keeps me on my toes.
And yes, she got a nice little spank for that fun task.
So, now I have the challenge of trying to suck all of the shampoo out of the carpet in my room with the steam cleaner. It's going to take forever. And ever. I do not have time for this.
These are my little miracles.
Routine
Children love routine. They thrive on it. I think I always knew that; of course, you learn it in any parenting class you take or parenting book you read. But it is truly a magical thing when you see it working in your life.
I don't think I really embraced the concept of routine until I moved in here, to my parents house. My mother is a much STRICTER mother than I was, so I had to adapt my parenting techniques to fit her expectations. This meant baths every night because she really does not like stinky children. So we started bathing them every night. At first I had a lot of help from my mom, but, over time, she withdrew, and I have been doing it all on my own for several months now. Every evening, we eat dinner, and then take baths (one by one) and then go to bed (one or two at a time)... It is a predictable routine that helps the children AND me to know what to expect.
Specifically, this afternoon, I was struck by the bedtime/naptime routine for Janey. We walked in the door from picking up Derek and Breanna from school, and she threw a massive fit. She wanted candy that was in the car. I locked the front door to the house (regular lock and floor lock, mind you) so she couldn't get out. Well, she got out. In like 3 seconds. So I chased her down, swatted her bottom, brought her in, locked the door again, and let her yell at me. Suddenly, the lightbulb - NAPTIME! I got her cup ready. I went in and playfully, but aggressively changed her diaper. She was fighting back, but somehow cooperatively because it was almost a game. I told the bigger kids to say "Good night, Janey!" and they did, to which she responded "NOOOO!" I brought her upstairs to her room and she fought me the whole way - "I want Grandma!" "She's not here" "I want kisses from Grandma" "She's not here." Then into her room. "Do you want 'Rock a baby'?" "No." I rocked her and sang to her anyway. She smiled. I kept singing, and gave her the cup. I set her down, set up her pillow and blanket, tucked her in. I leaned down for my kiss and she gave me one. "Hug, hug, hug!" she said. I hugged her and kissed her again. "Good night Janey, I love you." "I love you, Mommy."
Magic.
I don't think I really embraced the concept of routine until I moved in here, to my parents house. My mother is a much STRICTER mother than I was, so I had to adapt my parenting techniques to fit her expectations. This meant baths every night because she really does not like stinky children. So we started bathing them every night. At first I had a lot of help from my mom, but, over time, she withdrew, and I have been doing it all on my own for several months now. Every evening, we eat dinner, and then take baths (one by one) and then go to bed (one or two at a time)... It is a predictable routine that helps the children AND me to know what to expect.
Specifically, this afternoon, I was struck by the bedtime/naptime routine for Janey. We walked in the door from picking up Derek and Breanna from school, and she threw a massive fit. She wanted candy that was in the car. I locked the front door to the house (regular lock and floor lock, mind you) so she couldn't get out. Well, she got out. In like 3 seconds. So I chased her down, swatted her bottom, brought her in, locked the door again, and let her yell at me. Suddenly, the lightbulb - NAPTIME! I got her cup ready. I went in and playfully, but aggressively changed her diaper. She was fighting back, but somehow cooperatively because it was almost a game. I told the bigger kids to say "Good night, Janey!" and they did, to which she responded "NOOOO!" I brought her upstairs to her room and she fought me the whole way - "I want Grandma!" "She's not here" "I want kisses from Grandma" "She's not here." Then into her room. "Do you want 'Rock a baby'?" "No." I rocked her and sang to her anyway. She smiled. I kept singing, and gave her the cup. I set her down, set up her pillow and blanket, tucked her in. I leaned down for my kiss and she gave me one. "Hug, hug, hug!" she said. I hugged her and kissed her again. "Good night Janey, I love you." "I love you, Mommy."
Magic.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Good Night
Whether I am alone in the house or not, it always feels weird to go to bed when the kids are gone. Probably because Parker shares his room with me. I find myself wanting to check on him or instinctively wondering where he is. I have to remind myself that they are with their Dad. It is comforting, although its own kind of stressful, having time away from the children, but I wouldn't necessarily say that I like it. I need it. I need sleep; I need time to catch up on cleaning and laundry. I don't like being away from my kids. I do like that my husband and his pretend wife get to experience the joy of having all of those children to care for. It is my job, and I love it, but I am a little smug when it comes to their ability (or inability) to do my job as well as I. Don't ask them. They will tell you they do it, gladly, cheerfully, and 10x better. Ask my children, who will tell you that "it's harder for Dad because Dad just isn't used to having all these kids around." Awwww, poor Rick. What's new? Now he plays victim to his own children. What-Ever.
Today is daylight savings. I am very very very very very very excited about having an extra hour of uninterrupted sleep. Did I mention excited? :-) Sweet dreams everyone!
Today is daylight savings. I am very very very very very very excited about having an extra hour of uninterrupted sleep. Did I mention excited? :-) Sweet dreams everyone!
Friday, November 4, 2011
Perspective
I have been told that I have terrible kids. I have also, much more often, been told that I have great kids. I have been told that I am a terrible mother. I have also, much more often, been told that I am a great mother. All four statements are most likely true. Overall, however, I know (and not just because of my personal "bias") that I have great kids and that they have a great Mom. I know this because it is the truth. The permanent truth. Not the temporary one.
Our truth is always based on our own perspective, which is why it is always so easy to disagree with others. What is true for me is certainly not true for my (not quite) ex-husband. According to him, he has "great" perspective and doesn't need therapy. Is that true? I would definitely argue against that fact, but there it is, he is CONVINCED. Realistically, it doesn't matter, in that it doesn't affect me. Or does it? Because it DOES affect our children. Every choice he has made and is making affects our children. He honestly believes that he is affecting them in a positive way, when all I can see is the EXTREME DAMAGE that his actions are doing. Who is right? Is it just a matter of "perspective"?
One thing I learned in preparing to join and in joining the church is that TRUTH is not relative. RIGHT and WRONG are not relative. We do not get to rationalize our way through morality, no matter how smart we are, or how "good" a person we have decided we are. There is such a thing as RIGHT and WRONG. Those things are universal. They are BLACK and WHITE. Now, that doesn't mean that people are only GOOD and BAD, but it does mean that their actions generally can be considered right or wrong. Have I done everything "right" in my divorce? Certainly not! I would, however, argue that I have done mostly right and mostly good, and I have tried very hard to always put the children first. I challenge anyone to point out any BIG decision I have made in the past year that was NOT in the best interest of these six amazing kids. I get so frustrated when lies are told, accusations are made, falsehoods assumed to be fact. Perception is NOT reality. Only reality is reality.
Another thing I have come to understand in the last few months is that repentance DOES NOT involve rationalization. I know that in the beginning (after my confession) I was still rationalizing my behavior. It was because of this or that, or it was "love" or it was "right." Once I truly saw the reality of my choices, I was no longer able to rationalize. I can see how my relationship with my husband led where it did, but I cannot and will not try to rationalize my behavior. I was WRONG. I know that, without question, and it was MY FAULT. So, if you find yourself rationalizing "wrong" behavior, you should know that you are not truly repentant for your actions. Just a hint... and, I promise, I share it without judging as I learned it from experience.
Our truth is always based on our own perspective, which is why it is always so easy to disagree with others. What is true for me is certainly not true for my (not quite) ex-husband. According to him, he has "great" perspective and doesn't need therapy. Is that true? I would definitely argue against that fact, but there it is, he is CONVINCED. Realistically, it doesn't matter, in that it doesn't affect me. Or does it? Because it DOES affect our children. Every choice he has made and is making affects our children. He honestly believes that he is affecting them in a positive way, when all I can see is the EXTREME DAMAGE that his actions are doing. Who is right? Is it just a matter of "perspective"?
One thing I learned in preparing to join and in joining the church is that TRUTH is not relative. RIGHT and WRONG are not relative. We do not get to rationalize our way through morality, no matter how smart we are, or how "good" a person we have decided we are. There is such a thing as RIGHT and WRONG. Those things are universal. They are BLACK and WHITE. Now, that doesn't mean that people are only GOOD and BAD, but it does mean that their actions generally can be considered right or wrong. Have I done everything "right" in my divorce? Certainly not! I would, however, argue that I have done mostly right and mostly good, and I have tried very hard to always put the children first. I challenge anyone to point out any BIG decision I have made in the past year that was NOT in the best interest of these six amazing kids. I get so frustrated when lies are told, accusations are made, falsehoods assumed to be fact. Perception is NOT reality. Only reality is reality.
Another thing I have come to understand in the last few months is that repentance DOES NOT involve rationalization. I know that in the beginning (after my confession) I was still rationalizing my behavior. It was because of this or that, or it was "love" or it was "right." Once I truly saw the reality of my choices, I was no longer able to rationalize. I can see how my relationship with my husband led where it did, but I cannot and will not try to rationalize my behavior. I was WRONG. I know that, without question, and it was MY FAULT. So, if you find yourself rationalizing "wrong" behavior, you should know that you are not truly repentant for your actions. Just a hint... and, I promise, I share it without judging as I learned it from experience.
Soccer.
| From: | amberathomson |
| To: | Richard Thomson |
| Date: | Thu, Nov 3, 2011 8:10 pm |
Are you going to bring the children to their soccer games on Saturday? It is the last time you would ve expected to go since they are with me the next three weekends.
I will need to prepare them either way.
Thank you,
Amber
P.S. The games are at 915, 930, and two at 12.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone
I will need to prepare them either way.
Thank you,
Amber
P.S. The games are at 915, 930, and two at 12.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone
| From: | Richard Thomson | ||||
| To: | amberathomson | ||||
| Subject: | Re: | ||||
| Date: | Fri, Nov 4, 2011 1:08 am |
is there any way that I may have them the third weekend I know that their vacation starts that friday but I don't get to have them as much as you.
| From: | amberathomson |
| To: | Richard Thomson |
| Subject: | Re: (No subject) |
| Date: | Fri, Nov 4, 2011 6:10 am |
I'm sorry, but the 3rd weekend is the last day of soccer. There are 5 games and likely a bunch of parties. In not willing to risk them missing out. Jason is already concerned about this weekend, which was the purpose of my email. I noticed that you ignored answering my question. I'd offer the weekend after Thanksgiving, but we will be making tamales.
Are you going back to work?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone
| From: | Richard Thomson |
| To: | amberathomson |
| Subject: | Re: (No subject) |
| Date: | Fri, Nov 4, 2011 8:24 am |
can I have them next weekend on Thursday after school since there is no school on friday. I thought I sent an answer regarding soccer to was in the second draft and never got sent. I would not be willing to take them to soccer this weekend if I can't have them an extra weekend since our time is limited if I could have them both weekends then we will be at both days of games. this Saturday and next. regarding work, I am not able to lift more than 25 lbs or twist my back the dr said full recovery will be three months. I don't think you realize the severity or the seriousness of the surgery so let me enlighten you they made an an 8 inch incision down my back cut through the muscles and spread them open th expose the spine then separated the vertebrae to access the spine then removed the tumor it took 2 neural surgeons due to the size of the tumor which was the larges they had both seen both drs have been neural surgeons for over 30 years so over 60 years combined its not normal for two drs to do this type of surgery it normally requires 1 I am lucky to be walking today it is truly a miracle. I will be returning to work I have always worked and will always worked except through this time of illness which you I feel was me just being a deadbeat who didn't want to pay you. im not looking for sympathy from you you are incapable of such a feeling this is all so you are informed since you are so animate about me going back to work also you lift think I am out here living with all this money but I also owe 50,000$ in med bills on top of what I have paid. so please I you can work with your therapist and your god to be patient I am trying to figure out how clean I can make money to pay for all my responsibilities again as I always have.
| From: | Amber Thomson |
| To: | Rick |
| Subject: | Re: (No subject) |
| Date: | Fri, Nov 4, 2011 10:16 am |
I have plans on Friday with the children. I can bring them to you on Friday the 11th afternoon/evening and you can bring them back Sunday.
I am sorry I used the term "deadbeat" in regards to you. It was only twice and out of extreme anger, hurt and frustration. Any assumptions about my mindset, goals, or motives are just that and do not help our situation. I didn't think asking about work was unreasonable. Apparently, it is a sensitive subject. Again, sorry. I feel I am being and have been EXCEPTIONALLY PATIENT, considering the circumstances, but that is just my opinion.
Thank you,
Amber
P.S. Our divorce is not final. Whether you are "married" to her or pretending to be married, it makes you a bigamist, and it hurts our children.
I am sorry I used the term "deadbeat" in regards to you. It was only twice and out of extreme anger, hurt and frustration. Any assumptions about my mindset, goals, or motives are just that and do not help our situation. I didn't think asking about work was unreasonable. Apparently, it is a sensitive subject. Again, sorry. I feel I am being and have been EXCEPTIONALLY PATIENT, considering the circumstances, but that is just my opinion.
Thank you,
Amber
P.S. Our divorce is not final. Whether you are "married" to her or pretending to be married, it makes you a bigamist, and it hurts our children.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
A Broken Heart
Until September 25, 2010, I don't think I had ever truly felt a broken heart. I'm sure my heart had been hurt, bruised, maybe even cracked before, but never, ever had I experienced this depth of despair. As time went on my heart began to break more and more, for different reasons and in different ways, but I certainly learned that a REAL broken heart is something unique and devastating. Getting through that has been a journey all its own. Separate from my marriage, from my children, from my family and friends. It changes a person. No one can know how until you experience it. And if you accept it, own it, learn from it, it will change you for the better. Otherwise, it is likely to change you for the worse.
At the time, I thought Matt Stevens had broken my heart. I've felt heartbroken when some of my girlfriends moved on from our friendship. Many others of my "boyfriends" along the way definitely hurt me and some even made me cry. A broken heart and a contrite spirit - that is what the Savior asks of us. And we will never know how it truly feels until it happens to us. My repentance has been a more profound experience than any other thing I have gone through - baptism, marriage, birthing children...
I know that I have changed for the better. I could list the ways, but it would only be boring and self serving. Those who know me and love me, those who have seen me through this transformation could surely tell you specifics. However, I've also found that the experience of a broken heart, the experience of a divorce, can dull or even numb a person's emotions. Sometimes I find myself thinking that nothing really matters anyway, that everything is expendable. My children, of course, are not included in that equation, but in the context of romantic relationships, I have very little faith. Yes, Brian has been amazing, and I am not discounting him in any way. I speak only of my own inability to believe in a complete future for myself. It must come down to fear. It must come down to the unspeakable failure that is a divorce.
Sometimes, I think I see myself happy, truly happy - not the pretend kind that I perpetuated for all of those years. That kind was so much work that I get tired just thinking about ever living that life again. I look forward to the relaxed kind. The kind where I live in harmony with God, life, love, and everyone around me. I absolutely see glimpses of it. I am in the process of letting go of the anger I feel toward those who have hurt me - the one who has broken my heart. I am in the process of forgiving. I hope I can accomplish that goal soon. I know it is the only way to find peace. I know it is the only way to piece this heart back together and trust in love again.
At the time, I thought Matt Stevens had broken my heart. I've felt heartbroken when some of my girlfriends moved on from our friendship. Many others of my "boyfriends" along the way definitely hurt me and some even made me cry. A broken heart and a contrite spirit - that is what the Savior asks of us. And we will never know how it truly feels until it happens to us. My repentance has been a more profound experience than any other thing I have gone through - baptism, marriage, birthing children...
I know that I have changed for the better. I could list the ways, but it would only be boring and self serving. Those who know me and love me, those who have seen me through this transformation could surely tell you specifics. However, I've also found that the experience of a broken heart, the experience of a divorce, can dull or even numb a person's emotions. Sometimes I find myself thinking that nothing really matters anyway, that everything is expendable. My children, of course, are not included in that equation, but in the context of romantic relationships, I have very little faith. Yes, Brian has been amazing, and I am not discounting him in any way. I speak only of my own inability to believe in a complete future for myself. It must come down to fear. It must come down to the unspeakable failure that is a divorce.
Sometimes, I think I see myself happy, truly happy - not the pretend kind that I perpetuated for all of those years. That kind was so much work that I get tired just thinking about ever living that life again. I look forward to the relaxed kind. The kind where I live in harmony with God, life, love, and everyone around me. I absolutely see glimpses of it. I am in the process of letting go of the anger I feel toward those who have hurt me - the one who has broken my heart. I am in the process of forgiving. I hope I can accomplish that goal soon. I know it is the only way to find peace. I know it is the only way to piece this heart back together and trust in love again.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Bigamy
I am, regretfully, still married to Richard James Thomson. The divorce is NOT final. He is, however, living with another woman, wearing "rings" and acting as if he were married. Was there a ceremony? I wonder. Now I am married to a bigamist. This just keeps getting MORE AND MORE AWESOME. And by awesome, I mean RETARDED. And I do not use that word lightly.
Why?
I have thought long and hard about why I chose to do the things I did. I think that it is common for someone who is betrayed to wonder, and I wanted to have an answer for anyone who asked. I also wanted to understand the feelings behind my own actions. In our couples therapy, after the "incident" in 2008, our counselor explained that we act on our feelings. We need to accept and understand our feelings so that we can understand and control our own actions. The choices I was making seemed irrational (even at the time) but obviously they were coming from my "feelings" that were very real...
Obviously, since I was unfaithful to my husband, I was not happy in my marriage. Obviously, since he is not choosing to work things out with me now, Rick, too, was unhappy in our marriage. It was not a good marriage. But it still can be.
The emails between my "affair" and me were basically of a light and friendly nature. For me, looking outside my marriage was always about getting attention, getting more attention, getting a different type of attention. I never knew what I was longing for, looking for, until I actually found it. My "distractions" always ended up being a disappointment, never enough to feed whatever this desire was that I had. This relationship was somehow different. Someone from my past, someone I had dated (briefly, innocently) in high school, gave the illusion of familiarity, comfort, and closeness. The letters we exchanged were simple, not sordid or explicit. Not "What color are your underwear?" or "How often do you like it?" but "What color did you paint your toes?" and "How are you wearing your hair today?"... Details. Attention to details. My favorite color is red, I love being tall and wearing high heels. No detail was unimportant. I felt adored, desired. This was not the way my marriage made me feel (does anyone's??) and I let myself become infatuated.
The reality was, it was an illusion - a fantasy. That is what an affair is, really. The grass is greener, and all that. I never considered myself to be much of a romantic, but through this experience I realized that I do like, need, appreciate all of the "romantic" stuff. My marriage (though our reasons were very "practical") started in a romantic way. A two-week courtship certainly SEEMS romantic, and, I think, for a while, at least, that was enough. But two weeks is not a courtship, and I was never "wooed" by my husband. We just kind of DECIDED and then it was done. He had me. No effort necessary. This tendency toward shortcuts characterized much of our relationship/marriage. We skipped so many steps. Rushed into buying our first house (we were not financially ready) and then got pregnant too quickly. Then we continued to make terrible decisions about finances, and CONTINUED having children. And more children... No romance. Ever.
Obviously, since I was unfaithful to my husband, I was not happy in my marriage. Obviously, since he is not choosing to work things out with me now, Rick, too, was unhappy in our marriage. It was not a good marriage. But it still can be.
The emails between my "affair" and me were basically of a light and friendly nature. For me, looking outside my marriage was always about getting attention, getting more attention, getting a different type of attention. I never knew what I was longing for, looking for, until I actually found it. My "distractions" always ended up being a disappointment, never enough to feed whatever this desire was that I had. This relationship was somehow different. Someone from my past, someone I had dated (briefly, innocently) in high school, gave the illusion of familiarity, comfort, and closeness. The letters we exchanged were simple, not sordid or explicit. Not "What color are your underwear?" or "How often do you like it?" but "What color did you paint your toes?" and "How are you wearing your hair today?"... Details. Attention to details. My favorite color is red, I love being tall and wearing high heels. No detail was unimportant. I felt adored, desired. This was not the way my marriage made me feel (does anyone's??) and I let myself become infatuated.
The reality was, it was an illusion - a fantasy. That is what an affair is, really. The grass is greener, and all that. I never considered myself to be much of a romantic, but through this experience I realized that I do like, need, appreciate all of the "romantic" stuff. My marriage (though our reasons were very "practical") started in a romantic way. A two-week courtship certainly SEEMS romantic, and, I think, for a while, at least, that was enough. But two weeks is not a courtship, and I was never "wooed" by my husband. We just kind of DECIDED and then it was done. He had me. No effort necessary. This tendency toward shortcuts characterized much of our relationship/marriage. We skipped so many steps. Rushed into buying our first house (we were not financially ready) and then got pregnant too quickly. Then we continued to make terrible decisions about finances, and CONTINUED having children. And more children... No romance. Ever.
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