Humility

I hurt Brian yesterday.  I posted something on Facebook with the goal of working through my feelings, fears, doubts, insecurities, and ISSUES.  It wasn't intended to be mean, but it ended up being very hurtful to Brian.  He had every reason to be upset, and throughout the day, he shared his anger with me.  By the time the evening came, we were both still pretty upset about the emotional upheaval of the day.  I was silent, and he was very talkative.  He repeated to me the specific ways my words had hurt him.  I resisted.  I got more upset, defensive, argumentative.  He did not let up.  He conceded the reasonable points I was making, but he patiently, lovingly made his point to me as well.  He had been hurt, and I couldn't do that to him again.  I COULD NOT do that to him again.  He did not stop until he knew I understood completely.  It was a long, difficult conversation.

I finally got it.  Everything Rick has been complaining about the blog, finally became clear to me.  And this is not the first time Brian has taught me about my "bad" behavior.

One day last summer, Brian and I went to Arby's for lunch.  The kid behind the counter was some skinny white teenager and my flirt radar lit up.  Brian and I were there together, with a months-old baby, yet I began shamelessly flirting with this kid.  We ate, and I continued behaving inappropriately.  Brian got increasingly shocked and upset as the meal went on, and as soon as we walked out the door of the restaurant he said, "I really wanted to punch that guy in the face!"  I was surprised.  He observed that my behavior was so natural to me I didn't even realize I was doing it, but he made it very, very clear that I was WRONG.  We talked through it.  We discussed how those situations were(n't) handled in my marriage.  I saw it all in a different light.  It hurt him.  I had to stop.  So I did.  Since then, that behavior has not been a problem. Not once.  One conversation literally STOPPED the attitude and behavior that DESTROYED my marriage.

Yesterday, I hurt Brian again.  It was mean, nasty hurt, and I honestly didn't realize I was doing it.  Last night, once again, he taught me something new about myself.  I learned that I have another hurtful habit that needs to be corrected.  I am in the process of correcting it, for Brian and for Rick too.

I will forever assert that Rick did not take the time to teach me that I needed to change.  He expected me to know.  My behaviors and actions were wrong.  I didn't get it.  Now I do.

As much as I have been hurting, I am grateful to be in a relationship with someone who loves me enough to want me to learn how to be better - to want to help me, despite my resistance.  I have never felt so loved.