Anchoring

Productive therapy session today has me thinking about where I'm laying my emotional "anchor" for my value and self-worth.  My therapist reminded me that the only reliable place to place our anchor is with God, and on our Savior, Jesus Christ.  When our hearts are anchored in Him, we are sustained, we remain disciples, we persevere.  If we anchor our hearts ANYWHERE ELSE (this includes with a loved one - parent, child, spouse - or our jobs or anything else) then we will be disappointed at some point.  We cannot rely on them.  We cannot even rely on ourselves.  We must completely rely on the Lord to find true contentment in all things.

From the drama of my upbringing, I learned that I could be fulfilled (if only temporarily) by the attention and affection of men.  My value and self-worth was based on how attractive I was or how adored I was.  This was basically the foundation of all of my issues.  In every relationship, I was "the perfect combination of sexy and cute" and I was always in control.  I cannot think of a single boyfriend who was able to set boundaries for me - or even one who actually tried.  When I got married, my worth was then anchored entirely on Rick and on my marriage.  Evidence of this is found in a talk I gave in 2008, where I kept referring to my marriage as the foundation of my faith.  Ouch.  Should've been a clue, but how clueless I was.  When my relationship was failing, I again reverted to the esteem builder of my youth and young-adulthood, that is, attention from men.  This was CLEARLY quite detrimental to my marriage.  Duh.  This pattern did not stop as I did not get the help, guidance and boundaries I desperately needed to be successful in our relationship.  My faith was lacking and increasingly waning over the years and years of my marriage. In a future post I will explore the worldly realities contributing to the breakdown of my marriage, beginning in 2008, but for now, I will stay on this point.

This morning I realized that last week, when I had yet another emotional breakdown, I was once again anchoring my self-worth on my ex-husband.  I was astounded, and it is very humbling to write publicly, that, at times, I STILL anchor to him.  I guess that is out of habit.  12 years of marriage is a long time.  The letter he wrote destroyed me, got me doubting my own worth.  He is should not have that much power.  I should never again anchor my emotional well-being on him. 

So, my (very wise) therapist suggested that I periodically (daily????) do an "anchor-check" to see where I am anchored.  Even when I am feeling good, it is good to make sure that my good feelings are coming from the right place!  They should be coming from Christ!  With Him, all things are possible.  With Him, forgiveness is real.  With Him, we are all redeemed!