Tuesday. Halfway through my "week on" with the kids. I LOVE having them around - LOVE, LOVE, LOVE seeing them, hugging them, chatting with them every single day. However, this is exhausting work. Six kids is A LOT. And I reflect back to married life, reflect on how I felt, doing this job. I must admit, at least now I am not expecting any recognition, love, or appreciation. I was so desperate for that type of validation from my husband, and never was I sufficiently full. I realize now that I needed to be full from the inside. I needed to know my own value and worth as mother, wife, woman without relying on someone else to convince me. And Rick was never going to be able to convince me of something he himself did not believe. As our marriage progressed, he grew increasingly resentful of my worthlessness. I recently learned that the final two years that we were together, his resentment was being fueled by his bio-dad who never liked me anyway. Of course not - I am a strong minded woman with thoughts feelings and beliefs of my ow. I made a perfect scapegoat for escaping my marriage. Yes, I cheated on my husband. My husband had already shut himself off to me. He admitted in counseling in 2009 that he "couldn't" be emotionally open. I can't blame him for my bad choices, but my marriage was over long before I had my affair. I understand his rationalizations, I do. If I was in his position, I'd blame me too. I just don't think I would've responded in kind. Ah heck, maybe I would've, but at least I would've told the truth...
So now I am in a new place. It is natural for me to long to have a partner. Rick and I were never partners. He wasn't an independent thinker. He tried to do "the right thing," do "what he was told," but he was never my partner. We were not a team. We worked for ourselves, we sometimes worked for each other, but we didn't work together. I was aggressive-aggressive and he was passive-aggressive. Made blaming me for EVERYTHING so much easier.
So. Were my "expectations" unreasonable? Did I ask too much of my husband? Of Rick, maybe I did. Maybe he was never capable of meeting my needs, fulfilling me emotionally. Maybe he just wasn't capable, isn't capable. Is anyone? I have to believe someone is. Rick is not the only man in the world. Thank goodness. At this point, he is no prize. And this is a tough job. If I am with anyone, he will have to be my partner. We will have to be a team. I am capable of love and relationships like never before. Not just for a husband, either. More importantly, for my children, with my children. They are my whole life.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Life is a journey, happiness is a state of mind.
It is so important that we are always learning and growing. I am amazed that I have truly learned to like myself, even love myself, through this crazy roller coaster of an adventure. God is gracious and generous. He gives us what we need, even when we don't know it, if only we keep our hearts open to His Spirit.
It's been an interesting 9 days. I missed the kids dearly the first few days, but eventually I settled into a groove. Not that I necessarily missed them less, but at least I started to use my time productively (even if just for relaxation and "fun" stuff!) I still do not PREFER this visitation schedule, but I do look forward to the "off" week to see what I might be able to accomplish next.
Life is good. I am truly happy. Hopefully I will be divorced soon and this part of my life will soon be behind me.
Immense gratitude for the love and support from family and friends. Thank you for reminding me of my good qualities, even when all I can see is the bad.
<3
It's been an interesting 9 days. I missed the kids dearly the first few days, but eventually I settled into a groove. Not that I necessarily missed them less, but at least I started to use my time productively (even if just for relaxation and "fun" stuff!) I still do not PREFER this visitation schedule, but I do look forward to the "off" week to see what I might be able to accomplish next.
Life is good. I am truly happy. Hopefully I will be divorced soon and this part of my life will soon be behind me.
Immense gratitude for the love and support from family and friends. Thank you for reminding me of my good qualities, even when all I can see is the bad.
<3
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Blah
I am feeling sad today. Overwhelmed. Kids just left and I am actually ALONE (Rick has ALL SIX) for the first time. Parker comes back at 8.
And apparently I am incapable of blogging.
And apparently I am incapable of blogging.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Susie G.
My parents separated when I was a year and a half old. I have no recollection of my mother and father being together. It makes me sad to think that this is the experience that Janey and Parker will have. Although, I will be honest and say that I NEVER had thoughts, wishes, or hopes that my parents would "get back together" at any point in my life. Them apart was just the way things were.
My Dad had a long time, on and off, girlfriend over the years. Her name was Susie. We met her many times, but mostly, they were pen pals. Susie eventually moved to Wisconsin and would write my Dad letters on beautiful stationary, in beautiful calligraphy. (Interesting to note that my Stepmom is a very talented artist and calligrapher.) I can remember one time where we flew with my Dad to Wisconsin to visit Susie. I can't remember much about the trip, except for a strange interaction with some "Wisconsiners" at a nearby playground. Whatever.
I'm not sure how old I was (probably somewhere around 9 or 10) but I remember having a discussion with my Dad about shaving my legs. I have no idea what preceded the discussion, and I only remember what I took out of it. My Dad explained to me that his "friend" Susie only shaved her legs up to the knee. He told me that he really liked it, and felt her never shaving above the knee was really special because her thighs was always super soft and smooth. I always remembered those comments, and (although I had some bikini wearing days in my twenties where I shaved my thighs too) to this day, I only shave my legs to the knee. Partly, this is merely a decision of convenience, but I am grateful for the early suggestion planted in my mind by my father.
I tell this (very strange) story for a couple of reasons. First, to me, it illustrates the power that our words can have in our children's lives. I doubt my Dad would remember that conversation without some reminding. It was frivolous. However, I have carried that information with me a long way. You could say that it affected my life profoundly. We are always affecting our children with the things we say, the things we do, the expectations we have, the examples we set. I can think of another situation where my Dad was overly honest with me (not obscene, but not pleasant either) and I think that it is from him I learned to tell the truth no matter what. Even if it is going to embarrass me or hurt someone's feelings, it is more important to tell the whole truth. I think that the truth I have expressed in this blog is what has touched people's hearts and helped them to feel the Spirit. The Spirit will always testify of the Truth.
Another way I have related this story to my life is that when I told Chris (my "affair") that I didn't shave above the knee, he was shocked and amazed. If you were to feel my thigh, you would not be able to tell that there is hair there. He (Chris) made such a big deal about it. It was as though this was something special about ME. I guess, in a way, I felt like the Susie my Dad had described to me. I didn't feel that way in my marriage for many reasons - some of which were my own creation - but I didn't feel that way.
My Dad had a long time, on and off, girlfriend over the years. Her name was Susie. We met her many times, but mostly, they were pen pals. Susie eventually moved to Wisconsin and would write my Dad letters on beautiful stationary, in beautiful calligraphy. (Interesting to note that my Stepmom is a very talented artist and calligrapher.) I can remember one time where we flew with my Dad to Wisconsin to visit Susie. I can't remember much about the trip, except for a strange interaction with some "Wisconsiners" at a nearby playground. Whatever.
I'm not sure how old I was (probably somewhere around 9 or 10) but I remember having a discussion with my Dad about shaving my legs. I have no idea what preceded the discussion, and I only remember what I took out of it. My Dad explained to me that his "friend" Susie only shaved her legs up to the knee. He told me that he really liked it, and felt her never shaving above the knee was really special because her thighs was always super soft and smooth. I always remembered those comments, and (although I had some bikini wearing days in my twenties where I shaved my thighs too) to this day, I only shave my legs to the knee. Partly, this is merely a decision of convenience, but I am grateful for the early suggestion planted in my mind by my father.
I tell this (very strange) story for a couple of reasons. First, to me, it illustrates the power that our words can have in our children's lives. I doubt my Dad would remember that conversation without some reminding. It was frivolous. However, I have carried that information with me a long way. You could say that it affected my life profoundly. We are always affecting our children with the things we say, the things we do, the expectations we have, the examples we set. I can think of another situation where my Dad was overly honest with me (not obscene, but not pleasant either) and I think that it is from him I learned to tell the truth no matter what. Even if it is going to embarrass me or hurt someone's feelings, it is more important to tell the whole truth. I think that the truth I have expressed in this blog is what has touched people's hearts and helped them to feel the Spirit. The Spirit will always testify of the Truth.
Another way I have related this story to my life is that when I told Chris (my "affair") that I didn't shave above the knee, he was shocked and amazed. If you were to feel my thigh, you would not be able to tell that there is hair there. He (Chris) made such a big deal about it. It was as though this was something special about ME. I guess, in a way, I felt like the Susie my Dad had described to me. I didn't feel that way in my marriage for many reasons - some of which were my own creation - but I didn't feel that way.
Venting
I am trying to avoid talking about Rick, but I do feel a little obligation to update the blog readers on the latest news...
As of a few weeks ago, Rick is back to work. I can only speculate the reasons, but it is what it is. Our visitation agreement has stayed the same with the kids going and staying with Carolyn while he is at work. Almost two weeks ago now, he notified me that he is moving to Hemet on June 15. When the kids came home after that weekend, they let me know that they stayed at the house, so, technically he has already moved. They also were quick to point out that "Carolyn has her own room." Freaking awesome. This is my life.
A series of angry, desperate, pathetic text messages to Rick confirmed many things. He is living with his girlfriend and her daughter. He intends to marry her. He HONESTLY BELIEVES he is following the spirit. He told me he reads, prays, follows the spirit, takes the children to church, and teaches them to follow the spirit and live righteously. My church leaders told me that he has essentially "disfellowshipped himself"... Interesting contradiction. Oh well. I am through letting my anger over what isn't happening to him get in the way of my daily happiness. It is frustrating, but I had to let it go. His decision to lie and lie and lie to everyone cannot bring me down any more. I am STILL willing to fix this family, but I am no longer obsessively hoping for his change of heart. He is in my prayers. She is in my prayers. I say these things NOT to sound self-righteous, but to protect myself from hurting any more over his choices. Every thought of what he is doing BREAKS MY HEART.
He has taken Parker three times now. I am glad. He doesn't talk to me about it, so I can't really report on "how it went" but I think it is good. Soon, he will take Parker with the other kids. We'll see how that goes. As Breanna pointed out yesterday "Daddy already has 6 kids, because of Norah." "Great," I said, "Once he starts taking Parker, he will have 7." This is my awesome life.
We go to court on Tuesday morning for a "Trial Setting Conference." I am sincerely hoping that something else gets done that day. With him working full time now and his move to Hemet, I believe that the current visitation agreement for summer (week on week off) should no longer be valid. He, however, insists that he prefers to keep things the same. I am astounded that he thinks them spending 60+ hours a week with Carolyn while he is working is reasonable. Sure, he is following the spirit... I don't know what will happen Tuesday, maybe nothing, but I hope it is something. Anything, really. Any change would be better than what I've got going on now.
More blogging to come today. Right now, crying baby. Thank you all for your love and support. It means more than you could possibly imagine!
As of a few weeks ago, Rick is back to work. I can only speculate the reasons, but it is what it is. Our visitation agreement has stayed the same with the kids going and staying with Carolyn while he is at work. Almost two weeks ago now, he notified me that he is moving to Hemet on June 15. When the kids came home after that weekend, they let me know that they stayed at the house, so, technically he has already moved. They also were quick to point out that "Carolyn has her own room." Freaking awesome. This is my life.
A series of angry, desperate, pathetic text messages to Rick confirmed many things. He is living with his girlfriend and her daughter. He intends to marry her. He HONESTLY BELIEVES he is following the spirit. He told me he reads, prays, follows the spirit, takes the children to church, and teaches them to follow the spirit and live righteously. My church leaders told me that he has essentially "disfellowshipped himself"... Interesting contradiction. Oh well. I am through letting my anger over what isn't happening to him get in the way of my daily happiness. It is frustrating, but I had to let it go. His decision to lie and lie and lie to everyone cannot bring me down any more. I am STILL willing to fix this family, but I am no longer obsessively hoping for his change of heart. He is in my prayers. She is in my prayers. I say these things NOT to sound self-righteous, but to protect myself from hurting any more over his choices. Every thought of what he is doing BREAKS MY HEART.
He has taken Parker three times now. I am glad. He doesn't talk to me about it, so I can't really report on "how it went" but I think it is good. Soon, he will take Parker with the other kids. We'll see how that goes. As Breanna pointed out yesterday "Daddy already has 6 kids, because of Norah." "Great," I said, "Once he starts taking Parker, he will have 7." This is my awesome life.
We go to court on Tuesday morning for a "Trial Setting Conference." I am sincerely hoping that something else gets done that day. With him working full time now and his move to Hemet, I believe that the current visitation agreement for summer (week on week off) should no longer be valid. He, however, insists that he prefers to keep things the same. I am astounded that he thinks them spending 60+ hours a week with Carolyn while he is working is reasonable. Sure, he is following the spirit... I don't know what will happen Tuesday, maybe nothing, but I hope it is something. Anything, really. Any change would be better than what I've got going on now.
More blogging to come today. Right now, crying baby. Thank you all for your love and support. It means more than you could possibly imagine!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Blog-erific
I have been wanting to blog more, but I find my time limited. Plus my Stepdad took the laptop and hasn't returned it. So much is happening. It is truly a time of transition.
I had been gradually been drifting into a state of denial once again when Rick notified me that he was moving to Hemet. Come to find out that he has already started the move. Wow. What big changes! His decision to move was devastating since I had been slowly convincing myself that there might still be a chance for us. Silly, I know, but whatever. After some tough love from a good friend, I truly believe I have accepted my fate. And I know that my family is going to be blessed for it.
I received a phone call this morning from a distant friend (acquaintance, even)who wanted to express a certain level of gratitude and admiration for me. I tell this story with the utmost humility, merely to pass on that which has been given to me. This friend is not the first of such contact that I have received as a result of this blog and my decision to publicly tell my story. There are women out there who have felt the spirit of this story, the Spirit of God in my experience. It has helped them deal with their own lives, their own relationships, their own stories - whether current or past - and I am so grateful that they have let me in on their healing. It is such a blessing to me.
I encourage you all to find your hearts. Find your Truth. Find your Spirit. Find God, and find yourself. If you need therapy, get it. If you need redemption, find it. If you need forgiveness, ask for it. Be honest - with yourself first and foremost - and also with the people in your life. There is power in the Truth. There is strength.
I had been gradually been drifting into a state of denial once again when Rick notified me that he was moving to Hemet. Come to find out that he has already started the move. Wow. What big changes! His decision to move was devastating since I had been slowly convincing myself that there might still be a chance for us. Silly, I know, but whatever. After some tough love from a good friend, I truly believe I have accepted my fate. And I know that my family is going to be blessed for it.
I received a phone call this morning from a distant friend (acquaintance, even)who wanted to express a certain level of gratitude and admiration for me. I tell this story with the utmost humility, merely to pass on that which has been given to me. This friend is not the first of such contact that I have received as a result of this blog and my decision to publicly tell my story. There are women out there who have felt the spirit of this story, the Spirit of God in my experience. It has helped them deal with their own lives, their own relationships, their own stories - whether current or past - and I am so grateful that they have let me in on their healing. It is such a blessing to me.
I encourage you all to find your hearts. Find your Truth. Find your Spirit. Find God, and find yourself. If you need therapy, get it. If you need redemption, find it. If you need forgiveness, ask for it. Be honest - with yourself first and foremost - and also with the people in your life. There is power in the Truth. There is strength.
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