If you are just now reading my blog for the first time, please (if nothing else) go back and read two posts, for me. They will give you a concise picture of "my perspective" and my role in my divorce. There are many other posts that I love - particularly those about my kids - but these two give the story of my break up, from my side.
First Read - "A Timeline and a Testimony..."
http://amberandthekids.blogspot.com/2010/12/timeline-and-testimony-in-case-you-are.html?zx=6fba51534a72cd26
Next Read - "Indiana"
http://amberandthekids.blogspot.com/2011/01/indiana.html
If you haven't read these two, then you haven't got a full picture of what I've been through emotionally. Truthfully there are many, many more that I could point you to. :-)
Thanks!! <3<3<3
Friday, September 30, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Progress not Perfection
I still spend a lot of time and energy thinking about my husband. I wish I didn't. I wish I could just let it all go, move on, forget the pain, forget what could have been. Ah, it is so frustrating.
The truth is I spend a lot of my thoughts on contemplating what went wrong. What on earth went so very wrong in my marriage? Am I just a terrible person who ruined the most wonderful thing I had in my life? I find that hard to believe. Most of the time. Sometimes, I want to believe I deserve every painful moment I endure, but really, I know better. I did not have the perfect life.
My husband loved me. He really, truly loved me, and for that I feel extremely guilty. I know that what I did to him, the ways that I hurt him, devastated him to his core. I wish I could change that, but I can't. Our marriage, however, was not perfect. He was in no way the perfect husband or father. He was completely incapable of meeting my emotional needs. Our relationship was based on the idea that we both wanted it to be perfect and happy, but neither of us really understood what it took to make that happen. Maybe my needs were greater than he could handle. Maybe I didn't know what they were or how to communicate them. I have certainly learned a lot about my "issues" in the past year and a lot about my insecurities. I see so much more clearly how Rick and I played into each others' insecurities to perpetuate the myth that was our "perfect" family. I see him doing it again with his "new" wife. It scares me. For their sake, and for the sake of our children. He thinks he's "finally" setting the example of a great loving relationship, but in reality he is re-creating what we had with someone else. They will have their own problems. It is sad.
As I gain insight, confidence, and understanding of what happened in my own relationship, it gets me thinking about the future. What do I want in a future relationship? What do I need for my kids, myself, my family as it now stands? How does a woman find the one to fill that space in this situation? How does he find us?
So many people have told me, and continue to tell me "Don't Settle." I'll be honest in that I don't really know what that means. If any of you do, please tell me, I am still trying to learn...
The truth is I spend a lot of my thoughts on contemplating what went wrong. What on earth went so very wrong in my marriage? Am I just a terrible person who ruined the most wonderful thing I had in my life? I find that hard to believe. Most of the time. Sometimes, I want to believe I deserve every painful moment I endure, but really, I know better. I did not have the perfect life.
My husband loved me. He really, truly loved me, and for that I feel extremely guilty. I know that what I did to him, the ways that I hurt him, devastated him to his core. I wish I could change that, but I can't. Our marriage, however, was not perfect. He was in no way the perfect husband or father. He was completely incapable of meeting my emotional needs. Our relationship was based on the idea that we both wanted it to be perfect and happy, but neither of us really understood what it took to make that happen. Maybe my needs were greater than he could handle. Maybe I didn't know what they were or how to communicate them. I have certainly learned a lot about my "issues" in the past year and a lot about my insecurities. I see so much more clearly how Rick and I played into each others' insecurities to perpetuate the myth that was our "perfect" family. I see him doing it again with his "new" wife. It scares me. For their sake, and for the sake of our children. He thinks he's "finally" setting the example of a great loving relationship, but in reality he is re-creating what we had with someone else. They will have their own problems. It is sad.
As I gain insight, confidence, and understanding of what happened in my own relationship, it gets me thinking about the future. What do I want in a future relationship? What do I need for my kids, myself, my family as it now stands? How does a woman find the one to fill that space in this situation? How does he find us?
So many people have told me, and continue to tell me "Don't Settle." I'll be honest in that I don't really know what that means. If any of you do, please tell me, I am still trying to learn...
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Lies.
"Your Mom could afford to live out here near us, but she just won't."
Mom can't afford to live anywhere on NO child support.
"I pay the government and the government pays your mom."
That's news. Funny how I haven't received anything. If you're paying the government you just started last week...
"Your Mom puts Janey in size 4 diapers because she doesn't want to change her diaper as often."
OMG. Jane weighs 29 lbs. Size 3 goes up to 28 lbs, and size 4 starts at 22 lbs.
Parker weighs 20 lbs. Size 1 (Daddy's choice) goes up to 14 lbs. Seriously?
Mom can't afford to live anywhere on NO child support.
"I pay the government and the government pays your mom."
That's news. Funny how I haven't received anything. If you're paying the government you just started last week...
"Your Mom puts Janey in size 4 diapers because she doesn't want to change her diaper as often."
OMG. Jane weighs 29 lbs. Size 3 goes up to 28 lbs, and size 4 starts at 22 lbs.
Parker weighs 20 lbs. Size 1 (Daddy's choice) goes up to 14 lbs. Seriously?
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Painful
Every time I let myself get caught up in what I did, the hurt I caused, how Rick must have felt, it totally devastates me. I don't know if anyone understands just how much it pains me to think about how much I damaged my husband with my choices. It is easy for me to blame myself for everything that was wrong everything that is wrong with our marriage, our family, but it is not true.
My therapist reminded me last week (since we've addressed this before) that I let myself hurt emotionally because a part of me thinks I deserve it. A big part. Most of me. I want so badly to believe that I am a terrible person who doesn't deserve happiness, doesn't deserve to be loved. It is very very difficult to overcome these feelings of self doubt. Some days are good. Today is not.
I believe I actually torture myself with thoughts of how "things could be different" how things "should" be different. Literal torture. It is physically painful the hurt I cause for myself. And deep down I know it will never show him how sorry I am. It will never be enough to save our family, save my marriage.
I don't want him back. I really don't. I had such a strong week. So many reminders that this is a better path. So many confirmations that my future is so much brighter than my present, IF I persevere in truth and faith. But it is hard not to regret the loss of that eternal family I imagined. I know those blessings are still there. I know we will be okay, but it hurts so much. Every day. Especially today.
I am still struggling. I wish I wasn't, but I am. I am still married. I wish I wasn't, but I am.
My therapist reminded me last week (since we've addressed this before) that I let myself hurt emotionally because a part of me thinks I deserve it. A big part. Most of me. I want so badly to believe that I am a terrible person who doesn't deserve happiness, doesn't deserve to be loved. It is very very difficult to overcome these feelings of self doubt. Some days are good. Today is not.
I believe I actually torture myself with thoughts of how "things could be different" how things "should" be different. Literal torture. It is physically painful the hurt I cause for myself. And deep down I know it will never show him how sorry I am. It will never be enough to save our family, save my marriage.
I don't want him back. I really don't. I had such a strong week. So many reminders that this is a better path. So many confirmations that my future is so much brighter than my present, IF I persevere in truth and faith. But it is hard not to regret the loss of that eternal family I imagined. I know those blessings are still there. I know we will be okay, but it hurts so much. Every day. Especially today.
I am still struggling. I wish I wasn't, but I am. I am still married. I wish I wasn't, but I am.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Today
I posted the entire interaction because I want to make very clear how imperfect I am. I know that I am angry. I recognize that I poke and prod at every opportunity. I hope that urge will lessen as more time passes. Once we are divorced. Partly, I'm just tired of still caring... Caring about him, his rejection, his choices, his future, what he's doing... So I have to remind myself that he doesn't care about me. Mission accomplished. And, fortunately, I couldn't be more disgusted (or satisfied) with the person he has proven himself to be.
I am sorry if those emails are hard to read. They are hard for me to read, and to share, but they are true. They are the whole story, unabridged.
I am sorry if those emails are hard to read. They are hard for me to read, and to share, but they are true. They are the whole story, unabridged.
A Particularly Angry Day
11:28am *************
Dear Rick, I am still attempting to get the Findings and Order from April filed with DCSS so that they can enforce the support that has been ordered. My attorney contacted Bret Wishart's office last week and he is unable to respond until after the holiday weekend. You are, of course, welcome to contribute to our children's support at any time. Obviously, you've learned that it is much easier and there are no consequences (or at least delayed consequences) to doing nothing. Dad of the Year. Thank you, Amber
1:31pm *************
I called the dcss and they said to pay them not you. The only court order that was made in April was only for time share of children not support. So ill pay them. Rick
2:05pm *************
Dear Rick, We both know support was ordered in April. DCSS just can't enforce it yet. You've already admitted that you currently owe over $10,000. Since you CAN'T pay it to them, you should be paying me directly in order to take care of your financial responsibility. Convenient excuses and loopholes will only delay the inevitable. In the meantime, you're NOT EVEN TRYING to contribute to the support of our children. Your new family, however, is doing just fine. Having visits with your kids makes you one up on your own Father, it doesn't make you a decent Dad. Guess Norah will get 100% while Hattie, Jason, Derek, Breanna, Jane and Parker will settle for splitting 30%. Oh wait, Parker has been settling for 0%. Thank you, Amber
1:56pm *************
The children have everything they need. It's you who wants the $ talk to dcss and figureit out. If you asked the kids where they want to live they want to be here. Here is there home with all there things. Not at grandma's house and a storage unit. If you would have sold all that stuff and saved the cost of the unit you could move out. How's working for MK your step dad and selling your food stamps. Food and help from the church I'm sure your bf likes all the stuff you get him. In all the years of working I barely spent $600 on gas. I'm not saying this to be mean I'm just saying this is what you created. I have no problem communicating with you as long as you leave out your negative comments or opinions. They don't help us or the children. I don't need therapy or a class to be polite or work together about the kids. So please leave out you putdowns or negative judgements they don't help the kids. One last thing I don't get into your business when the kids are with you but letting your boyfriend take our daughter to the movies is "inappropriate" you should know considering your history. Be more wise and protect your children better. Thanks, Rick
2:24pm *************
The children have what my parents provide. If they want to live there, go ahead and try for custody. I'm sure your decision to move 60 miles away and not pay support will help tons. Their "child support" is paying for what they have there. You have no idea what happens here, so don't bother with YOUR judgements. The kids do not want to live with you and your pretend wife. This is now what you've created. All of it. I tried to make it right. I did and am still doing everything I can. Ignoring church leaders because you "know better" certainly proves that you are in the right! Go, Follow the Spirit to the temple with her. I know what I've done and am doing right and wrong. You've destroyed this family that ABSOLUTELY COULD HAVE BEEN REPAIRED. At least it could have gone differently. But YOU DID EXACTLY WHAT I DID AND TOOK IT EVEN FURTHER!! The kids call Brian my boyfriend because it helps them make sense of your relationship with Carolyn. Simple as that. Anything else is none of your business (to use your favorite phrase.) As long as you insist on being an asshole, things will stay the same. You do need therapy. Alone and with me. For the sake of the kids... Ask Bret why we aren't divorced yet. I signed your "Settlement" a month ago. Tick-tock, still waiting. Doesn't he know you have to make your relationship "okay in the eyes of God"... by getting a quickie marriage? (WOW. Doesn't that sound familiar?) Thank you, Amber
3:02pm *************
Dcss can't enforce payment until they recieve the court order. To be turned in by you since you haven't turned it in to them I tried and found out I could have sent them the money and should send it to them so from now on they will get the $ as for my new family they pay their way Norah's mother and grandparents help out any way th ey can and that is none of your business what goes on in this house does not concern you I figured out how to live off of what is left over after I send to dcss quit begging for money I refuse to pay you anything. Dcss will take care of it. I will not discuss this any more.
3:44pm *************
Dear Rick, I love how you change the subject whenever your lies no longer make sense. You're a deadbeat. Your kids will always adore you, and seek your approval, since you've replaced them already. But as adults they will see you for what you are. Every choice you've made is in your interest and hurts them. Have a nice life. Enjoy your "eternity". Thank you, Amber
Dear Rick, I am still attempting to get the Findings and Order from April filed with DCSS so that they can enforce the support that has been ordered. My attorney contacted Bret Wishart's office last week and he is unable to respond until after the holiday weekend. You are, of course, welcome to contribute to our children's support at any time. Obviously, you've learned that it is much easier and there are no consequences (or at least delayed consequences) to doing nothing. Dad of the Year. Thank you, Amber
1:31pm *************
I called the dcss and they said to pay them not you. The only court order that was made in April was only for time share of children not support. So ill pay them. Rick
2:05pm *************
Dear Rick, We both know support was ordered in April. DCSS just can't enforce it yet. You've already admitted that you currently owe over $10,000. Since you CAN'T pay it to them, you should be paying me directly in order to take care of your financial responsibility. Convenient excuses and loopholes will only delay the inevitable. In the meantime, you're NOT EVEN TRYING to contribute to the support of our children. Your new family, however, is doing just fine. Having visits with your kids makes you one up on your own Father, it doesn't make you a decent Dad. Guess Norah will get 100% while Hattie, Jason, Derek, Breanna, Jane and Parker will settle for splitting 30%. Oh wait, Parker has been settling for 0%. Thank you, Amber
1:56pm *************
The children have everything they need. It's you who wants the $ talk to dcss and figureit out. If you asked the kids where they want to live they want to be here. Here is there home with all there things. Not at grandma's house and a storage unit. If you would have sold all that stuff and saved the cost of the unit you could move out. How's working for MK your step dad and selling your food stamps. Food and help from the church I'm sure your bf likes all the stuff you get him. In all the years of working I barely spent $600 on gas. I'm not saying this to be mean I'm just saying this is what you created. I have no problem communicating with you as long as you leave out your negative comments or opinions. They don't help us or the children. I don't need therapy or a class to be polite or work together about the kids. So please leave out you putdowns or negative judgements they don't help the kids. One last thing I don't get into your business when the kids are with you but letting your boyfriend take our daughter to the movies is "inappropriate" you should know considering your history. Be more wise and protect your children better. Thanks, Rick
2:24pm *************
The children have what my parents provide. If they want to live there, go ahead and try for custody. I'm sure your decision to move 60 miles away and not pay support will help tons. Their "child support" is paying for what they have there. You have no idea what happens here, so don't bother with YOUR judgements. The kids do not want to live with you and your pretend wife. This is now what you've created. All of it. I tried to make it right. I did and am still doing everything I can. Ignoring church leaders because you "know better" certainly proves that you are in the right! Go, Follow the Spirit to the temple with her. I know what I've done and am doing right and wrong. You've destroyed this family that ABSOLUTELY COULD HAVE BEEN REPAIRED. At least it could have gone differently. But YOU DID EXACTLY WHAT I DID AND TOOK IT EVEN FURTHER!! The kids call Brian my boyfriend because it helps them make sense of your relationship with Carolyn. Simple as that. Anything else is none of your business (to use your favorite phrase.) As long as you insist on being an asshole, things will stay the same. You do need therapy. Alone and with me. For the sake of the kids... Ask Bret why we aren't divorced yet. I signed your "Settlement" a month ago. Tick-tock, still waiting. Doesn't he know you have to make your relationship "okay in the eyes of God"... by getting a quickie marriage? (WOW. Doesn't that sound familiar?) Thank you, Amber
3:02pm *************
Dcss can't enforce payment until they recieve the court order. To be turned in by you since you haven't turned it in to them I tried and found out I could have sent them the money and should send it to them so from now on they will get the $ as for my new family they pay their way Norah's mother and grandparents help out any way th ey can and that is none of your business what goes on in this house does not concern you I figured out how to live off of what is left over after I send to dcss quit begging for money I refuse to pay you anything. Dcss will take care of it. I will not discuss this any more.
3:44pm *************
Dear Rick, I love how you change the subject whenever your lies no longer make sense. You're a deadbeat. Your kids will always adore you, and seek your approval, since you've replaced them already. But as adults they will see you for what you are. Every choice you've made is in your interest and hurts them. Have a nice life. Enjoy your "eternity". Thank you, Amber
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