This wonderful, relaxing, productive week has given me such a great opportunity to reflect and revitalize. I feel such peace about the divorce and about letting Rick go. I honestly don't feel like I am missing much since I have such a complete understanding of how less-than-perfect (or happy) our relationship/marriage was. I also have learned so much about the many, many, many things I did wrong making such a rash and sudden decision to marry a man I did not know. It was/is a romantic concept, and I can completely empathize with my young (23yo) self at the time, but life is much different through 35yo eyes. Plus I have SIX amazing children to consider in any decision for my future. Would Brian make a great stepfather? Of course. He is an amazing man who loves me and my children. Is it the right time for me to make that decision? HECK NO! There is so much more to consider, and so much more to accomplish before jumping ahead to that point. And least of all, it would be totally financially irresponsible of me.
However, I am happy. Happy with Brian, not because of him. I love my children, love myself, love my future.
Drew's here! Time to go to Costco!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Christmas
We had another great Christmas where my awesome kids got completely spoiled. The church facilitated a great deal of presents for us, which "Santa" wrapped and brought over (via my sister-in-law, Trina!!) So, so, so grateful for the help I received in providing this Christmas for my children this year. I would have never been about to pull it off (much less afford it!) without the contributions of so many others!
After Christmas with the babies (at 10:30am) I packed them up, drove over to pick up Brian and Ramon, and then headed out to Hemet. I had to drop the children off at Rick's at noon, and I was super proud to pull into their driveway before 12:10. I offered to give him the rest of the breastmilk I had collected so that he could feed it to Parker, but he refused. I was actually feeling fine about everything until that moment. It took me a bit to get over the anger and resentment about that decision. Eventually I was fine.
After Hemet, we headed to Moreno Valley and visited with our friend David and his mom. We spent the rest of the day there. I was acting like a complete lunatic since the kids had woken me up at 4:30am and then I was giddy from dropping them off with their Dad for a week. I think it came across as a weird combination of obnoxious and abusive, but luckily I took a quick nap during the movie (Sherlock Holmes! Very Good!) Then we stopped by a store to get fixings for dinner (Thanks for cooking, Ramon!) and headed back to David's for more socializing. Brian's brother, Adam, and sister-in-law Cherish showed up just in time for dinner - with the most delicious brussel sprouts you've ever seen - and we all ate and talked and played games until late. I felt like an adult. It was so nice!
Lazy day Monday followed by Spa Day on Tuesday with the sisters-in-law. Glen Ivy Facials, hitting the jacuzzi, and eating at Island's made for such a great relaxing day. Not to mention all of the "girl talk." Thankful they are still willing to listen to my ranting. At least the conversation was split evenly between how great Brian is and what an idiot Rick is. Very satisfying, overall.
Wednesday, Brian and I got some chores done and then spent about five hours at Knott's Berry Farm. It was great! We got to ride the big rides and watch "Gift of the Magi" together. Afterwards we headed back here, and while I was folding clothes in front of the TV, Brian chose to use that two hours making a serious dent on the the clutter in my bedroom. The mess is noticeably contained!
Today, I met a friend for lunch. When I got home, I spent the rest of the evening taking down the fake tree (this process cannot be understood or fully appreciated unless you have seen the tree apart) with my mom. And blogging, finally, probably enough to last another week.
Tomorrow, I have to finish my chores (cleaning the room!) and go see my therapist. Hoping I get to meet Sarah for lunch again. It's been a good week.
After Christmas with the babies (at 10:30am) I packed them up, drove over to pick up Brian and Ramon, and then headed out to Hemet. I had to drop the children off at Rick's at noon, and I was super proud to pull into their driveway before 12:10. I offered to give him the rest of the breastmilk I had collected so that he could feed it to Parker, but he refused. I was actually feeling fine about everything until that moment. It took me a bit to get over the anger and resentment about that decision. Eventually I was fine.
After Hemet, we headed to Moreno Valley and visited with our friend David and his mom. We spent the rest of the day there. I was acting like a complete lunatic since the kids had woken me up at 4:30am and then I was giddy from dropping them off with their Dad for a week. I think it came across as a weird combination of obnoxious and abusive, but luckily I took a quick nap during the movie (Sherlock Holmes! Very Good!) Then we stopped by a store to get fixings for dinner (Thanks for cooking, Ramon!) and headed back to David's for more socializing. Brian's brother, Adam, and sister-in-law Cherish showed up just in time for dinner - with the most delicious brussel sprouts you've ever seen - and we all ate and talked and played games until late. I felt like an adult. It was so nice!
Lazy day Monday followed by Spa Day on Tuesday with the sisters-in-law. Glen Ivy Facials, hitting the jacuzzi, and eating at Island's made for such a great relaxing day. Not to mention all of the "girl talk." Thankful they are still willing to listen to my ranting. At least the conversation was split evenly between how great Brian is and what an idiot Rick is. Very satisfying, overall.
Wednesday, Brian and I got some chores done and then spent about five hours at Knott's Berry Farm. It was great! We got to ride the big rides and watch "Gift of the Magi" together. Afterwards we headed back here, and while I was folding clothes in front of the TV, Brian chose to use that two hours making a serious dent on the the clutter in my bedroom. The mess is noticeably contained!
Today, I met a friend for lunch. When I got home, I spent the rest of the evening taking down the fake tree (this process cannot be understood or fully appreciated unless you have seen the tree apart) with my mom. And blogging, finally, probably enough to last another week.
Tomorrow, I have to finish my chores (cleaning the room!) and go see my therapist. Hoping I get to meet Sarah for lunch again. It's been a good week.
Progress
Ah, to learn is to grow. I continue to learn more and more about my marriage, my life, myself, and I continue to grow into the person I was meant to be. Boy did I make a lot of mistakes, but I am so glad I have the chance to learn from them and correct them and become better for them.
God is so good.
God is so good.
Catching up.
It has been so long. Sorry everyone, I can hardly believe it's been almost two weeks already without any updates. They've been a LONG two weeks. I had the kids the last three weekends before Christmas, and that final week they were all out of school. It's been even more of a chaotic zoo than normal. Of course, now, they are off with their Dad and his new wife and step-daughter (haha) until New Years Day. I get to sleep (and breathe) and catch up around here.
December 18, 2011
On Sunday December 18, I was already starting to show signs of wear. The kids and I had mostly gotten sick with terrible colds, and the non-stop six-kid-apalooza was getting increasingly overwhelming. No, I am not complaining, just explaining. We went to church (Brian and his boys even went with us, which was nice) and came home. After we ate, I made a point to make sure the TV was not turned on, and the children began to play. It took me about an hour to get Parker down for his nap, but the kids had started a very complex "Sleepover/Chuck E. Cheese" game which eventually made it's way from the downstairs to their rooms upstairs. All five of the children played and played together for THREE HOURS straight with almost no fighting. The brief shrieks I heard quickly dissipated. I was as proud as a mother could be. I even tried letting them all "sleep-over" in one room, but then loud cries and physical violence between siblings ended the massive love-fest. We can't win them all. I hate trying to write about it after the fact, but I wanted to share such a wonderful and profound memory. It filled my heart. <3
December 18, 2011
On Sunday December 18, I was already starting to show signs of wear. The kids and I had mostly gotten sick with terrible colds, and the non-stop six-kid-apalooza was getting increasingly overwhelming. No, I am not complaining, just explaining. We went to church (Brian and his boys even went with us, which was nice) and came home. After we ate, I made a point to make sure the TV was not turned on, and the children began to play. It took me about an hour to get Parker down for his nap, but the kids had started a very complex "Sleepover/Chuck E. Cheese" game which eventually made it's way from the downstairs to their rooms upstairs. All five of the children played and played together for THREE HOURS straight with almost no fighting. The brief shrieks I heard quickly dissipated. I was as proud as a mother could be. I even tried letting them all "sleep-over" in one room, but then loud cries and physical violence between siblings ended the massive love-fest. We can't win them all. I hate trying to write about it after the fact, but I wanted to share such a wonderful and profound memory. It filled my heart. <3
Friday, December 16, 2011
Ahole update
I notified Rick two weeks ago that conferences were this week. I told him that my conferences were on Thursday (yesterday) and that he is welcome to set up his own conferences with each of their teachers directly. No response. And no contact to the schools.
#winner
#winner
Parent Teacher Conferences
Oh my goodness. My kids are BRILLIANT. I am so proud of them. It is wonderful to meet with their teachers and have all of their positive attributes being reiterated to you! I am such a proud proud mommy right now.
Hattie is in 5th grade. Her teacher, Mrs. Young, is amazing. Sometimes well-experienced teachers are burnt out, but this woman is full of teaching. She is constantly teaching the kids something valuable and useful. Hattie is always telling me "Mrs. Young says...." with some amazing tidbit that will help her in her life. I LOVE it. In class, Hattie is helpful and kind, even though she still talks to her neighbors a little too much. She loves to read (her Accelerated Reader goal has been quadrupled at this point) and her writing is improving dramatically (homeschooling third grade did not help her writing skills progress much!) She needs to work on math facts (a little time-consuming for her) and proofreading her writing. Yay!
Jason is my 7 year old third grader. If you haven't already heard (I only say it every OTHER day) he skipped first grade. Ms. Parker didn't even know he was the youngest kid in her class! He got Student of the Month in November, and she said he was an "EASY PICK." Not only is he one of the smartest kids in class (he loves learning, loves a challenge) he is also respected by his peers. He was voted Classroom Rep for the Student Council and does a great job of attending the meetings and reporting the happenings to the entire class. She said he is a "leader."
Derek is only in Kindergarten, but we can already tell he has a quick mind. He is excited to learn to read (he's getting those sight words memorized!) and is very popular among the kids. He is one who will never have trouble making friends. Her notes on his report card actually said he is a "wonderful little boy." How can you resist that sweet face, even if he is oblivious at times? We need to be reading more and Mom needs to be more diligent about making sure his homework gets done each week. Grateful for teachers who are patient with ME.
All of their teachers got our Christmas Card this year, and everyone made comments about our adorable family. How cute we are! I didn't know you had so many kids! I hadn't realized you are a single mom! It was a great opportunity to let them in on some of the REALITY the kids are facing here at home. Sometimes it helps for the teachers to know that life is hard. Nice part is they wouldn't have guessed. We are doing our job!
Days like yesterday are what this life is all about. I love my life, love my job, LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids. Grateful for the family and friends who fill me with love and support so that I can get through each day. So very grateful. :-)
Hattie is in 5th grade. Her teacher, Mrs. Young, is amazing. Sometimes well-experienced teachers are burnt out, but this woman is full of teaching. She is constantly teaching the kids something valuable and useful. Hattie is always telling me "Mrs. Young says...." with some amazing tidbit that will help her in her life. I LOVE it. In class, Hattie is helpful and kind, even though she still talks to her neighbors a little too much. She loves to read (her Accelerated Reader goal has been quadrupled at this point) and her writing is improving dramatically (homeschooling third grade did not help her writing skills progress much!) She needs to work on math facts (a little time-consuming for her) and proofreading her writing. Yay!
Jason is my 7 year old third grader. If you haven't already heard (I only say it every OTHER day) he skipped first grade. Ms. Parker didn't even know he was the youngest kid in her class! He got Student of the Month in November, and she said he was an "EASY PICK." Not only is he one of the smartest kids in class (he loves learning, loves a challenge) he is also respected by his peers. He was voted Classroom Rep for the Student Council and does a great job of attending the meetings and reporting the happenings to the entire class. She said he is a "leader."
Derek is only in Kindergarten, but we can already tell he has a quick mind. He is excited to learn to read (he's getting those sight words memorized!) and is very popular among the kids. He is one who will never have trouble making friends. Her notes on his report card actually said he is a "wonderful little boy." How can you resist that sweet face, even if he is oblivious at times? We need to be reading more and Mom needs to be more diligent about making sure his homework gets done each week. Grateful for teachers who are patient with ME.
All of their teachers got our Christmas Card this year, and everyone made comments about our adorable family. How cute we are! I didn't know you had so many kids! I hadn't realized you are a single mom! It was a great opportunity to let them in on some of the REALITY the kids are facing here at home. Sometimes it helps for the teachers to know that life is hard. Nice part is they wouldn't have guessed. We are doing our job!
Days like yesterday are what this life is all about. I love my life, love my job, LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids. Grateful for the family and friends who fill me with love and support so that I can get through each day. So very grateful. :-)
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Full Night's Sleep
Better today. Not so weepy. Parent teacher conferences later. Yahoooo!
It still hurts. It is going to hurt. That has to be okay too.
It still hurts. It is going to hurt. That has to be okay too.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Waves
The emotion hits me in waves. I am so angry. So so very angry. Today has been a rough day, and I burst into tears the minute that the kids left with their Dad. I wonder how I can even feel anything any more. How can this still hurt me?? How does he feel NOTHING at the loss of our family?? I am finding myself to be repeatedly destroyed by the feelings.
I hate his self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude. Heavenly Father BROKE ME DOWN. Talk about a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Oh my goodness. And I have pretty much poured all that suffering into this blog. Repentance brings a very special kind of truth and understanding. I seriously had never experienced it before.
So, it makes me angry that he refuses to accept responsibility for his own actions. Angers me more that he has justified all of his actions, rationalized all of his behavior - INCLUDING refusing to pay child support until the Dept of Child Support Services starts taking the money out of his check. His arrears are well up over $18,000 now. Yes, I think people should know. Know exactly who this guy is. What a "great" father he is.
My problem is accepting that he will NEVER recognize what he has done. I am willing to take all the blame. I just don't know how to believe he will NEVER see the truth. I believed in him. He has proven himself to be someone else entirely, but that is literally a break in sanity. How do I give up on the idea that he might actually one day realize how crazy this all is??
So, so very angry.
I hate his self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude. Heavenly Father BROKE ME DOWN. Talk about a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Oh my goodness. And I have pretty much poured all that suffering into this blog. Repentance brings a very special kind of truth and understanding. I seriously had never experienced it before.
So, it makes me angry that he refuses to accept responsibility for his own actions. Angers me more that he has justified all of his actions, rationalized all of his behavior - INCLUDING refusing to pay child support until the Dept of Child Support Services starts taking the money out of his check. His arrears are well up over $18,000 now. Yes, I think people should know. Know exactly who this guy is. What a "great" father he is.
My problem is accepting that he will NEVER recognize what he has done. I am willing to take all the blame. I just don't know how to believe he will NEVER see the truth. I believed in him. He has proven himself to be someone else entirely, but that is literally a break in sanity. How do I give up on the idea that he might actually one day realize how crazy this all is??
So, so very angry.
Surges of Anger
I am not finished being angry. I wish I was. I wish I could put all of these FEELINGS behind me and move on. I'm just not there yet. I don't like feelings. It's what makes me such a great alcoholic. I will use all sorts of things to distract me from feeling things. Namely, attention from men. But I digress into the problem with my marriage again.
I am angry. His actions continue to affect me through the children. Eternal consequences are but slight solace right now.
I am angry. His actions continue to affect me through the children. Eternal consequences are but slight solace right now.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Get over it.
These may be the three most annoying words you could ever say to a divorced (or divorcing) person. That and "let it go." Seriously, people, we were married for 12 years! We have 6 children. Yes, he is an ass. Yes, he is an idiot. Yes, he has proven to me beyond any shadow of any doubt that I do not want to be married to this person, but GEEEEEZ, give me a break!
I cannot imagine getting married and not having my children present. I cannot imagine it. Who does that?? I cannot imagine marrying a man who would even CONSIDER excluding his own children. What the heck. I may be lacking in sanity, but I will NEVER understand that kind of crazy.
I'm worried about my children.
Powerless. Acceptance. Ugh.
I cannot imagine getting married and not having my children present. I cannot imagine it. Who does that?? I cannot imagine marrying a man who would even CONSIDER excluding his own children. What the heck. I may be lacking in sanity, but I will NEVER understand that kind of crazy.
I'm worried about my children.
Powerless. Acceptance. Ugh.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
D R A M A
When Rick asked me to take the kids all week, I told him I didn't think that it was reasonable for him to have them that long, but that he could take them overnight on Wednesday since there was already a "dinner" visit planned. When he dropped them off Sunday, I asked if he was planning to pick them up from school Wednesday and he said "Sure."
This morning I texted Rick three times.
First, at about 7:30 letting him know that I was keeping Hattie home sick, Paco and Jane are also sick, and I was going to try to get the three of them into the doctor.
A short time after that, I let him know that Jason and Breanna both have cold sores. I also let him know their schedule - pickups today - D and B @ noon, then the babies and Hattie from the house, then Jason @1:40. Drop offs tomorrow - J (&H) @ 7:40, D @ 7:55, B @ 8:30. Let me know when you plan to drop off the babies.
After we visited the Dr office, I let him know that Hattie is on prednisone for the next 5 days, Paco has an ear infection and needs to take amoxicillan for the next 10 days and Janey has a cold. I asked "See you at 12:20?"
I went to the pharmacy to pick up the prescriptions, when I returned to the car (and my phone) I got a phone message saying that he wasn't picking them up from school and that he wrote an email. I checked my email. This is what I received...
I called him back to clarify that he was not planning on taking any of the kids for any period of time, because three of them are sick. The conversation was difficult to say the least. He finally said - "I'll get them at 5!" Here is my "follow-up" email.
To reiterate and respond to our phone conversation...
I believe I made it clear in my messages that I was still comfortable with you taking all six of them. They have colds. Hattie's made her asthma act up; Parker's gave him an ear infection. If you need to make alternate arrangements, that is the information you should communicate to me. Your problems are not my problems. If you would like to have the extra time, it is your job to modify the arrangement we've made. If you want them only 5 to 8, tell me you're taking them 5 to 8. If you only want the well kids, tell me you're taking the well kids. It is YOUR CHOICE. I let you know the situation, you are the one changing the plan - the reasons DO NOT MATTER to me.
The kids were expecting you to pick up. They were very disappointed.
Thanks,
Amber
Nothing is ever simple. Nothing is ever easy. Everything is my fault. Seriously, who ARE you??
This morning I texted Rick three times.
First, at about 7:30 letting him know that I was keeping Hattie home sick, Paco and Jane are also sick, and I was going to try to get the three of them into the doctor.
A short time after that, I let him know that Jason and Breanna both have cold sores. I also let him know their schedule - pickups today - D and B @ noon, then the babies and Hattie from the house, then Jason @1:40. Drop offs tomorrow - J (&H) @ 7:40, D @ 7:55, B @ 8:30. Let me know when you plan to drop off the babies.
After we visited the Dr office, I let him know that Hattie is on prednisone for the next 5 days, Paco has an ear infection and needs to take amoxicillan for the next 10 days and Janey has a cold. I asked "See you at 12:20?"
I went to the pharmacy to pick up the prescriptions, when I returned to the car (and my phone) I got a phone message saying that he wasn't picking them up from school and that he wrote an email. I checked my email. This is what I received...
| Date: | Wed, Dec 7, 2011 10:51 am |
Thank you for letting me k.ow how the kids are doing. Unfortunately because I am staying at Julies and they come home tomorrow I cannot take them there will not be enough time to disinfect the house and both julie and even more Carl have very low immune systems. I don't want to run the risk of them getting sick too. if I could drop off dinner from the chicken pie shop. as I have said before I do not read texts on my phone so please call or email. I have been reading the ones you send but it ends up going over the limit. thank you Rick
I called him back to clarify that he was not planning on taking any of the kids for any period of time, because three of them are sick. The conversation was difficult to say the least. He finally said - "I'll get them at 5!" Here is my "follow-up" email.
| Date: | Wed, Dec 7, 2011 12:12 pm |
To reiterate and respond to our phone conversation...
I believe I made it clear in my messages that I was still comfortable with you taking all six of them. They have colds. Hattie's made her asthma act up; Parker's gave him an ear infection. If you need to make alternate arrangements, that is the information you should communicate to me. Your problems are not my problems. If you would like to have the extra time, it is your job to modify the arrangement we've made. If you want them only 5 to 8, tell me you're taking them 5 to 8. If you only want the well kids, tell me you're taking the well kids. It is YOUR CHOICE. I let you know the situation, you are the one changing the plan - the reasons DO NOT MATTER to me.
The kids were expecting you to pick up. They were very disappointed.
Thanks,
Amber
Nothing is ever simple. Nothing is ever easy. Everything is my fault. Seriously, who ARE you??
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Breakdown
I don't know how to hold it together today. I am suddenly empty. I am devastated by everything. Please pray for me. Seeing her taking his name. They are married. I didn't realize my heart was capable of breaking this badly. And he is so mean. So so mean to me.
I want to throw up. I want to cry. I want to scream. I don't want to do this anymore.
I have removed anyone with any connection to Rick from my blog and from my Facebook. I hope it means things will be more peaceful. I hope it will bring me peace.
I want to throw up. I want to cry. I want to scream. I don't want to do this anymore.
I have removed anyone with any connection to Rick from my blog and from my Facebook. I hope it means things will be more peaceful. I hope it will bring me peace.
Marriage
I had originally thought, when I heard of Rick's wedding, that they had gone to the County and done it quickly and under the radar. This certainly would have explained their decision to exclude the children from the ceremony. Last night, I learned differently.
The wedding took place at the home of Carolyn's Aunt. It is the home where my children have slept many many nights. The Aunt was NOT at home, and the kids have not seen her in months. She was out of town. They were just using her house. They invited the missionaries, and two friends with their families. They did not even offer the chance of attending to my children.
The wedding was on Thursday. Rick had the kids with him on Wednesday and on Friday. He purposefully and specifically excluded the children from attending the wedding ceremony with Carolyn.
Then, they didn't even tell the kids when they arrived on Friday. They found out via Norah, in the car, whispering "Mommy and Daddy got married on the day before today!"
My daughter is so hurt. She can't even talk to him about how she feels. I am livid.
The wedding took place at the home of Carolyn's Aunt. It is the home where my children have slept many many nights. The Aunt was NOT at home, and the kids have not seen her in months. She was out of town. They were just using her house. They invited the missionaries, and two friends with their families. They did not even offer the chance of attending to my children.
The wedding was on Thursday. Rick had the kids with him on Wednesday and on Friday. He purposefully and specifically excluded the children from attending the wedding ceremony with Carolyn.
Then, they didn't even tell the kids when they arrived on Friday. They found out via Norah, in the car, whispering "Mommy and Daddy got married on the day before today!"
My daughter is so hurt. She can't even talk to him about how she feels. I am livid.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Interesting.
Someone went back and read an old blog post of mine from Dec. 31, 2009. It inspired me to go read it too.
http://amberandthekids.blogspot.com/2009/12/new-year.html?zx=fbff4bbf8a862976
This was before my indiscretions happened. Before the "Relationship" started. This is where my marriage, my family was. Sure does put things into perspective.
:-(
http://amberandthekids.blogspot.com/2009/12/new-year.html?zx=fbff4bbf8a862976
This was before my indiscretions happened. Before the "Relationship" started. This is where my marriage, my family was. Sure does put things into perspective.
:-(
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Sunday Evening
Kids should be home in ten minutes and I have so much to say.
First of all, Rick and Carolyn got married on Thursday night. How nice for them. It was two weeks after our divorce was final. Sounds very familiar since Rick and I were married two weeks after we started dating. Whatever. As my brother says - "at least now they are allowed to f..." Sorry for the crudity, any sensitive Mormons out there... It is what it is.
My recent posts have shown the interaction I have had with an idiot recently. Speaks for itself, I think.
Great day at church today. Strong spirit, strong testimonies, lots of crying (from me.) Long day, great day. I am barely holding it together, but I am holding it together.
Finally, if you scroll down to Rick's email to me, you will notice a weird reference to my "subscribers" making threats to Carolyn. I must admit that I am strangely curious who out there has taken it upon themselves to make threats upon my ex-husband's new wife. Are you willing to reveal yourself? There is honestly no one on my list who I could actually see brandishing that sword, but I would certainly love to know!! And thank you, for the gesture, but really, it is unnecessary. I am a big girl; I put on my big girl pants this morning; I will be okay.
Now that that is taken care of. I am down to 3 minutes and counting before I see my adorable and amazing babies. Time to get ready for the storm! :-)
First of all, Rick and Carolyn got married on Thursday night. How nice for them. It was two weeks after our divorce was final. Sounds very familiar since Rick and I were married two weeks after we started dating. Whatever. As my brother says - "at least now they are allowed to f..." Sorry for the crudity, any sensitive Mormons out there... It is what it is.
My recent posts have shown the interaction I have had with an idiot recently. Speaks for itself, I think.
Great day at church today. Strong spirit, strong testimonies, lots of crying (from me.) Long day, great day. I am barely holding it together, but I am holding it together.
Finally, if you scroll down to Rick's email to me, you will notice a weird reference to my "subscribers" making threats to Carolyn. I must admit that I am strangely curious who out there has taken it upon themselves to make threats upon my ex-husband's new wife. Are you willing to reveal yourself? There is honestly no one on my list who I could actually see brandishing that sword, but I would certainly love to know!! And thank you, for the gesture, but really, it is unnecessary. I am a big girl; I put on my big girl pants this morning; I will be okay.
Now that that is taken care of. I am down to 3 minutes and counting before I see my adorable and amazing babies. Time to get ready for the storm! :-)
Saturday, December 3, 2011
More dances with a pig.
HIS RESPONSE TO ME:
I in no way was saying you deliberately put the kids in activities so that I would have less time. Instead of staying and discussing and seeking clarification you run off and misunderstand the point and coming to an understanding of what is trying to be communicated. In our agreement we are to discuss with the other parent activities that might impact the others time with the children. I am very sensitive to the time I have with them and might be selfish with that time. So when I get an email telling me what the kids schedule is and where they need to be planned by you and not consulting with me if your commitments that you made for the kids is ok. I would not have a problem with them having to come home early on Sunday if you would have respected me and asked me before getting the kids involved with other plans than what I may have. this month I wont have them as much due to the vacation schedule I lose a weekend and my time with them is valuable to me. To you its "not reasonable" for me to have them for an extended amount of time. I am grateful for the time you do allow. So I will take it when I can get it. You misunderstood why Carolyn didn't want you to sit by her and you say you never did anything to her but you did do things to her. You feel because you have certain "truths" that you can express them freely that's fine you will do and say what you want in you public forum but you don't know her and never did but you presumed to know her and wrote about her and as a result of your writings as incorrect as they are and were brought on threats to her by your subscribers. She was never cross to you and was there for you when you needed help. So to her face you are wanting to get along and behind her back you support and antagonize negative attention towards her. Im sure if the roles were reversed you would not want her to sit by you. In the assembly situation and in future situations we would and will be able to sit together with the kids as end-caps us on one side you on the other and the kids. We don't take every opportunity to tell all the truth in my life being married to you although it would shine a light as to why I am where I am I don't tell friends or perfect strangers for that matter. I have been confronted by people who I don't even know and you only just met who presume to know who I am because they met you at a party or through the kids you bore your soul to. I don't share my past with you and I too have the potential to defame you or paint you in a negative light by "my truth". In attempts to "bring peace to your family" you and Bill can talk to as many church officials as you can but I have been sustained and will continue to be sustained. I have from day one always been honest with all my leaders and never ran or tried to hide my sins till I got caught and now all it looks like is you seeking revenge not peace. I do not hold a grudge nor do I share any negative experience with anyone because I respect you as the mother of our children. Carolyn and I in no way try or intend on replacing you or will ever paint you in a negative light to them we express our love for them as parents and will continue to do so. As always, Rick
MY RESPONSE TO HIM:
I have asked you to sit with me with a professional or church leader of
your choice so that we can clear up all of these things. You have
refused. I am uncomfortable "communicating" or "discussing" with you
alone because you always lie about the interaction after the fact.
Every single time. If we had a neutral party present then they would be
able to verify what was actually said by both of us.
You actually DID say that I put the kids into activities just so you do
not have time with them. I walked away (pleasantly, not running or
yelling) when you began to make those accusations and raise your voice
during the "discussion." In your email you assume that staying would
have involved "clarifications" but I know from experience that it would
have only created additional tension and accelerated the fight. I chose
to walk away and allow you to focus your energy on spending time with
our kids.
The email I sent on Monday was explaining the activities they have been
invited to and the complicated schedule. It was intended to HELP YOU,
not to hurt you. Soccer AND choir are activities you have agreed to
ahead of time. I did not schedule the birthday parties OR the Christmas
choir rehearsal. I allowed them to participate in the choir on my
weekends and gave you the opportunity to allow them to participate or
not. I didn't expect you to allow them to go, but when Hattie said you
TOLD HER she could make the choice between it and you, she and I
together came up with what we thought would be a solution. Asking the
children to "choose you" is blatant manipulation. Let them go or
don't. Just please stop telling them it is their choice between you and
their activities.
My email was intended to sincerely communicate to you the reasons why I
find this particular activity important for the kids. I am sorry I did
not ask you first. Each interaction I have with you "communicating"
becomes increasingly irrational and filled with lies. I do not know how
to have a discussion with someone like that.
You asked to have them for a week, during school time. I said I didn't
think it was reasonable. Let me explain why I do not find it to be
reasonable.
1. Every time the children come home from visits with you, the two
babies both have diaper rashes. Every time. The visit over
Thanksgiving was less than two days and Janey came home with such a
terrible "boo boo butt" that it took a full week to clear it up. Then
the visit the following Wednesday you had them for three hours and you
didn't change either of the babies diapers, even one time. I have
mentioned to you the issue of diaper rash before and you accused me of
being "petty," but I believe that between the two of you, you should be
able to prevent these things. I change their diapers all on my own. I
do not have help, and I have never had their bottoms look so raw.
2. The children do not have reasonable bedtimes when they are with
you. They stay up all night watching movies or playing video games.
Those things are fine for weekends when they do not have school, but on
school nights I am concerned about their well being. They are often
tired on days even when they get to bed on time. Taking the chance that
they wouldn't get enough sleep, especially going into the holiday, is a
big risk with which I am not comfortable. Lack of sleep after your
weekends makes them more grumpy, more likely to fight with each other,
and more likely to get sick. These are all things I have experienced.
3. Every time the children come home they are filled with strange lies
you have told them. You believe you are just "telling the truth" but in
reality you are confusing them with things that are inappropriate to
share with children, even a ten-year-old. Examples would be that
Carolyn wishes she were there mother, that God brought you and Carolyn
together (while you are still married???? What God does that?????), and
details about your plans to wed (and go to the temple in a year? That
sounds familiar!) one another. The kids do not need to be involved in
those conversations. It is not appropriate.
As for Carolyn. All I know of her is what I have experienced from her,
and from you. She did help me out that one time. Let's not forget that
she was living with my husband at the time. I do not see her actions as
a woman devoted to Heavenly Father in any way. She moved herself and
her daughter across the country to be with a man who was married to
someone else, and whose wife was pregnant with their SIXTH child. If
you respect the sanctity of marriage, especially a temple marriage, stay
in Indiana until the marriage is over. Instead, she chose to come out
and get directly in between us. You say it was already over. That's
fine. It doesn't make those choices right in any way. And she has NOT
been nice to me in person. She has been bitchy to me on many, many
occasions. She makes snippy, snotty and snide remarks to me whenever
she has the opportunity, even in as brief interaction as dropping off
and picking up.
You are not the man I thought I married. You have not treated me with
one iota of respect during the entire separation. You have reminded me
of all of my mistakes, faults, flaws, and the ways I have hurt you, but
not once have you recognized the many many ways I have been hurt. I
have apologized to you, recognized my wrongs, and begged for
forgiveness. You say you have forgiven me, but still treat me like I am
trash. I admit I have made mistakes. According to you, you have not
made any mistakes. You "are sustained." That is such a joke. All I
have communicated to others is the facts. You began your relationship
with her the very day after we separated. You lied about it from day
one. To me, to the kids, to Fritter, to your parents. You have not
been honest from day one with anyone. You know that, but you feel like
you can continue to lie now and make it all okay. It's not okay.
It sounds as though you are saying I tried to hide my sins until I got
caught. Another lie. I NEVER GOT CAUGHT. I came to you, in tears,
sincerely confessing, and asking to give eternity a chance. You were
shocked and devastated, and you had every right to be. I will have to
live with the consequences of how I hurt you forever. However, your
decision to rewrite the story after the fact does not change the truth.
It just makes you a liar.
I have told you over and over that I would love to hear your truth. You
refuse. I can only believe that is because you know that your truth is
filled with lies. Our marriage was not perfect or happy for either of
us, but it could have been repaired. Instead, you decided to scrap
everything and start over. That is your right. I just wish I wasn't
alone in my desire to do the best thing for our children.
If you truly respect me, then please start treating me with respect. I
do not respect you as a man or a father. I used to, but your actions
and choices since our separation have created our new relationship.
You continue to prove yourself lacking, making every decision in your
life to benefit you (and your new family) and not them. I respect you as the only father my children will have. I will respect you beyond that when you become worthy of respect.
Thank you,
Amber
Another waste of time.
(sent just now - 12:58am 12/03/2011)
Dear Rick,
I am very disappointed that you will not allow Hattie and Jason to attend their rehearsal for the Stake (Church) Christmas Choir on Sunday afternoon. I had hoped that since I was dropping them off almost 4 hours early yesterday, it would make up for "your time" lost on Sunday. A 4:30 rehearsal, at the stake center, would only take an hour and a half away from "you" but would allow them a valuable opportunity. I do not refer to the opportunity to sing in the choir, because they will still be able to participate in the performance next Sunday night. What I wish I could communicate to you is the value this activity plays in bringing the two of them closer. Although it was only an hour long rehearsal last Sunday, it was something that the two bigger kids got to do together. Jason looks up to Hattie so much, and seldom do they truly get a chance to bond, just the two of them. They both came home giddy, even excited, over the experience they had had. Jason was still singing and the two of them were still discussing the "arrangement" of the songs the next morning.
I resent the implication that I put them into activities "just to take time from their Dad." That accusation is ludicrous. I allow them to participate in activities that are wholesome, fun, and good for them. If I prevented them those opportunities based on your unwillingness to cooperate, I am sure I would be accused of something else. Instead, I bend over backwards to protect them, support them, and love them every minute of every day. I try to provide for their emotional well-being even though I am unable to provide for them financially. I am eternally grateful to my Heavenly Father and to my parents for providing for them and me where we both have fallen short.
I am through fighting. I will continue to attempt to communicate with you, as an adult. I will continue to ask for your assistance in supporting our children's participation in a wide variety of activities. Some of them will happen on your time. You will continue to have the right to refuse them those opportunities.
I believe that telling the children that "it is their choice" to participate in these activities "but it means less time with Dad" is manipulative. It is unhealthy. In time they will see for themselves the sick mind games you are playing. Whether or not you are willing to admit it, those types of statements encourage feelings of guilt in a child, as though it is a choice between a parent and an activity. They will never want to hurt you that way. They will always choose you when you make that the choice.
Both Jason and Hattie are now seeing the same therapist, and it has been really good for their relationship. They often have portions of sessions together to work out the conflicts between them. Of course they still fight - they are siblings - but I have seen a marked improvement in their attempts to care for each other as well.
I have never and will never prevent them from developing their relationships with you. I know, better than many, how important parental-child relationships are to healthy relationships later in life. I will continue to offer opportunities for you to support them. I pray some day you begin putting their needs above your own. This situation is difficult enough for them as it stands.
As always,
Amber
Dear Rick,
I am very disappointed that you will not allow Hattie and Jason to attend their rehearsal for the Stake (Church) Christmas Choir on Sunday afternoon. I had hoped that since I was dropping them off almost 4 hours early yesterday, it would make up for "your time" lost on Sunday. A 4:30 rehearsal, at the stake center, would only take an hour and a half away from "you" but would allow them a valuable opportunity. I do not refer to the opportunity to sing in the choir, because they will still be able to participate in the performance next Sunday night. What I wish I could communicate to you is the value this activity plays in bringing the two of them closer. Although it was only an hour long rehearsal last Sunday, it was something that the two bigger kids got to do together. Jason looks up to Hattie so much, and seldom do they truly get a chance to bond, just the two of them. They both came home giddy, even excited, over the experience they had had. Jason was still singing and the two of them were still discussing the "arrangement" of the songs the next morning.
I resent the implication that I put them into activities "just to take time from their Dad." That accusation is ludicrous. I allow them to participate in activities that are wholesome, fun, and good for them. If I prevented them those opportunities based on your unwillingness to cooperate, I am sure I would be accused of something else. Instead, I bend over backwards to protect them, support them, and love them every minute of every day. I try to provide for their emotional well-being even though I am unable to provide for them financially. I am eternally grateful to my Heavenly Father and to my parents for providing for them and me where we both have fallen short.
I am through fighting. I will continue to attempt to communicate with you, as an adult. I will continue to ask for your assistance in supporting our children's participation in a wide variety of activities. Some of them will happen on your time. You will continue to have the right to refuse them those opportunities.
I believe that telling the children that "it is their choice" to participate in these activities "but it means less time with Dad" is manipulative. It is unhealthy. In time they will see for themselves the sick mind games you are playing. Whether or not you are willing to admit it, those types of statements encourage feelings of guilt in a child, as though it is a choice between a parent and an activity. They will never want to hurt you that way. They will always choose you when you make that the choice.
Both Jason and Hattie are now seeing the same therapist, and it has been really good for their relationship. They often have portions of sessions together to work out the conflicts between them. Of course they still fight - they are siblings - but I have seen a marked improvement in their attempts to care for each other as well.
I have never and will never prevent them from developing their relationships with you. I know, better than many, how important parental-child relationships are to healthy relationships later in life. I will continue to offer opportunities for you to support them. I pray some day you begin putting their needs above your own. This situation is difficult enough for them as it stands.
As always,
Amber
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Thursday. Grrr.
So frustrated that my ex-husband is telling the children he will be going to the temple in a year. That then they will have a big reception. Does anyone else think it's weird that they are MIRRORING our life? Hello?? It didn't work the first time!!! Why are you doing the SAME THING AGAIN??
And (big surprise) they think they want to live with him. Oh well, tough luck. They belong with their mother.
And (big surprise) they think they want to live with him. Oh well, tough luck. They belong with their mother.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Dreams
Dreams can be cathartic. I had some weird ones yesterday, and I woke up so refreshed - ready to start anew! In my dream, I had a heart to heart conversation with Rick. A sincere, honest, heart to heart conversation. He told me how hurt he was, how hurt he had been. He told me that he was truly happy with Carolyn. He told me that he had thought about how difficult things are for the children, and that he sees how hard it is on them, but that he is choosing to be happy, choosing himself. It was mildly upsetting for me, but it was closure. I could beg on my hands and knees for honesty at that level, and I will never get it. It is merely a "dream" that will never come true. I have to be satisfied with the fantasy version. It felt good yesterday. I felt strong in my newly divorced state. I felt empowered.
Today, I woke up tired. Paco has been teething all night the past few nights, and sleep has been scarce. When I am tired, I tend to get more emotional (even when I remember my meds, which I DID!) than normal. Crazy, I know. I really did feel a lot of sadness today. I wished I could have made things go differently. I felt the sting of the rejection from Rick. I felt the failure. I felt S A D! Today, I wanted to reach out to him and apologize. I wanted to make him understand how terrible I feel about everything that has transpired between us. I wanted to cry. Oh wait. I did cry. But as I thought about what words I might have for him, it just made me more and more sad. He has no interest in listening to my apologies. He may say he "forgives" me, but he has no forgiveness in his heart. He is quick to remind me of all the ways I "wronged" him over and over. That is not the love of Christ. That is not forgiveness. I still strive to find forgiveness in my heart for him. Forgiveness in my heart for myself. I want to repair that relationship - not as man and wife (because that is obviously OVER) but as parents of six children, as human beings, as children of our Heavenly Father. I want to make things better. I want to make it right. I still don't know how. I hope some day I find a way.
Sad
I have entered into a state of deep contemplation. In between the insanity of life, that is. I still think a lot about my marriage and its failings, but I am feeling a freedom from the overwhelming devastation that is divorce. I am sad that it ended. I am (still) very sad that my husband gave up on me. It (still) hurts so much, even though I know that I deserve more, I deserve better than the way he has treated me. I'm sure he feels the same way. I really wish I could have helped him heal from the hurt I caused. I am feeling so much sadness this morning.
I am also filled with gratitude for my many, many blessings and for the extensive amount of support I have gotten (and am still getting) from family and friends. I am grateful for the roof over my head (and my children's heads!) and the warm beds we all sleep in each night. I fear the games that Rick plays of "you could come live with me" and the confusion it creates in their heads. I am grateful for the Truth of the Spirit to guide me each day.
I am confused myself. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I am grateful for a strong, healthy relationship with a man I trust. I am grateful for the love and commitment he has shown to me and to my children. I am grateful that the future looks bright, even though it isn't set in stone.
I know God loves me. I always thought this was a weird thing to remind oneself, but I find myself repeating it often. Sometimes I feel so unlovable. Sometimes I feel that because I couldn't keep my husband's love, I do not deserve to be loved. I have to remind myself it isn't true. I have to remind myself that my Heavenly Father, my Creator, loves me despite my imperfections, despite my flaws, despite my tarnished soul.
A crying baby must put a halt to my lamentations and tears this morning. My heart is grateful, but it is also filled with sadness. Every day is different.
I am also filled with gratitude for my many, many blessings and for the extensive amount of support I have gotten (and am still getting) from family and friends. I am grateful for the roof over my head (and my children's heads!) and the warm beds we all sleep in each night. I fear the games that Rick plays of "you could come live with me" and the confusion it creates in their heads. I am grateful for the Truth of the Spirit to guide me each day.
I am confused myself. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I am grateful for a strong, healthy relationship with a man I trust. I am grateful for the love and commitment he has shown to me and to my children. I am grateful that the future looks bright, even though it isn't set in stone.
I know God loves me. I always thought this was a weird thing to remind oneself, but I find myself repeating it often. Sometimes I feel so unlovable. Sometimes I feel that because I couldn't keep my husband's love, I do not deserve to be loved. I have to remind myself it isn't true. I have to remind myself that my Heavenly Father, my Creator, loves me despite my imperfections, despite my flaws, despite my tarnished soul.
A crying baby must put a halt to my lamentations and tears this morning. My heart is grateful, but it is also filled with sadness. Every day is different.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Final(ly)
Oh wow. What a day.
It would be an understatement to say that I am a woman with many "issues." They are complex and varied, and most of them revolve around sex. Sorry, folks, it's the truth. I could easily delve further into the details, but I will spare you the TMI this time. Today, coincidentally, many of those issues were brought to light (again) and I found myself exploring the past and getting super emotional. No, it certainly doesn't help that I am on my period. I have realized so many things about myself over the past year (or so) and I continue to learn more with each step I take. Today was a very contemplative day.
Then, this afternoon, I decided to go online and "check out" my case record. Low and behold, I AM DIVORCED. The filing is official as of November 17. One year and one day after he filed for divorce, it is finally final. Mixed emotions abound on an already emotional day. How on earth do I proceed?
I think the news is mostly happy. Closure, as they say, should help with healing. I have definitely been looking forward to being "case closed" on Rick. Now I am free to move on with my life, unencumbered (if you don't count 6 little monkeys hanging around!) hahaha. That was a joke. But really, I can go forward, and so can he. Officially.
Breaks my heart a little more though. Looking forward to snuggling my kiddos when they get home in another hour.
It would be an understatement to say that I am a woman with many "issues." They are complex and varied, and most of them revolve around sex. Sorry, folks, it's the truth. I could easily delve further into the details, but I will spare you the TMI this time. Today, coincidentally, many of those issues were brought to light (again) and I found myself exploring the past and getting super emotional. No, it certainly doesn't help that I am on my period. I have realized so many things about myself over the past year (or so) and I continue to learn more with each step I take. Today was a very contemplative day.
Then, this afternoon, I decided to go online and "check out" my case record. Low and behold, I AM DIVORCED. The filing is official as of November 17. One year and one day after he filed for divorce, it is finally final. Mixed emotions abound on an already emotional day. How on earth do I proceed?
I think the news is mostly happy. Closure, as they say, should help with healing. I have definitely been looking forward to being "case closed" on Rick. Now I am free to move on with my life, unencumbered (if you don't count 6 little monkeys hanging around!) hahaha. That was a joke. But really, I can go forward, and so can he. Officially.
Breaks my heart a little more though. Looking forward to snuggling my kiddos when they get home in another hour.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Just following up.
| From: | Richard Thomson |
| To: | Amber Thomson |
| Subject: | Re: Cooperating |
| Date: | Sun, Nov 20, 2011 3:43 pm |
There will not be any problems when you understand you are not my wife and that you are not welcome to sit with us You can put children between us but neither one of us feel comfortable sitting by you. There weren't any chairs to sit in on the side where you were when we came in They sat chairs up on the other side and we were ushered over there We had no problem with sitting on same side as you and do not want the children to run back and forth The problems is you want to say and do whatever you want to us and then expect us to want to be anywhere near you We understand that we will have to be together at events like these but we don't have to pretend to be best friends Carolyn simply said she did not want to sit by you You got loud and overreacted You passed empty chairs and the kids and came over by Carolyn She is full aware of the comments you make about her on the blog and facebook and that you have even tried to contact her family with invites to your blog and playdates Newsflash they don't want anything to do with you We can learn to work together when you learn basic social skills The reasonable solution is us delegated by the children You do not need to sit by either of us You can choose to be offended or stop and rethink your actions Thank you
| From: | amberathomson |
| To: | Richard Thomson |
| Subject: | Re: Cooperating |
| Date: | Sun, Nov 20, 2011 9:18 pm |
Rick,
I intended to sit where it was most convenient for the children. It's not about you or her. I chose to invite you to the assembly because I knew it would be nice for Jason. Obviously, the selfish thing would have been to not bother. I would not have had to see either of you. However, I make decisions based on what is best for our children. That includes any contact made with her family. I don't care what they think of me, or if they want to be my friend. I care about the children continuing to feel additional loss as a result of your decisions. I will do what I can to protect them, even make contact with people who have proven that they don't always act in the best interest of the children. I presented the opportunity and am happy to retract it.
Carolyn got loud and confrontational at the sight of me. I responded out of shock and disgust. I have not done anything to her, yet she hates me and thinks she can mother the children better than I. She cannot. Just as no man I choose to bring into their life will ever replace you. I actually experienced the reality of divorced parents, you did not. I will do everything in my power to protect them because I know how much all of this hurts them. I see it in them; they share their feelings with me. They know it is safe with me.
I am not personally offended, maybe the two of you were, though. I would offer the same suggestion - that you both learn basic social skills.
My blog is not public. It is also 100% true. If either of you are not interested in hearing (reading) the truth, you should stop. That is wholly your choice.
I am your wife until we are divorced. We are not divorced. I'm sure you are both aware of that reality as well. I'm sure she's tired of waiting for you to "legitimize" your adulturous relationship. I'm actually tired of it myself, as I continue (and will continue) to deal with the emotional and spiritual repercussions in the children.
Please return the Dora tennis shoes. They were brand new, and those pink clogs are very poorly constructed. Also, the $26 Jason gave to you was stolen from my wallet. I would appreciate you returning it. I am surprised you kept that much money coming from a seven year old.
Amber
Sunday, November 20, 2011
For all the world to see. I have nothing to hide.
| From: | Amber Thomson |
| To: | Rick |
| Subject: | Cooperating |
| Date: | Sun, Nov 20, 2011 11:58 am |
Dear Rick,
Please tell your shack-up honey that when we are at events with our children, for our children, we will be sitting together. Her behavior on Friday was neither civil nor polite, and certainly was not conducive to cooperative parenting. If she cannot handle being in the same vicinity as your wife and the mother of your children, she is welcome to NOT attend such events. Yes, the kids are very excited to see their Dad and Carolyn and Norah when you guys show up, but they also like being with both Mom and Dad throughout the course of the time. It is not reasonable to expect either of us to sit on the opposite side of the room from our children and have them running back and forth. Plus it is/would be extremely disruptive, especially in a small venue like the school auditorium. I trust we are in agreement on this issue and that we will not have any problems in the future.
Thank you,
Amber
Friday, November 18, 2011
Student of the Month Assembly
Jason got Student of the Month for November. I made the mistake of inviting my husband and his whore to the assembly today, via text message. They came. In and of itself this would not be a problem. The kids were very excited to see their Dad, Carolyn, and Norah! They found seats across the auditorium from me. Herein lies the problem because the children tend to shift back and forth. I wasn't about to have them disrupting the entire assembly, so I packed up the stroller, blanket, and jackets, Oh, and Paco, and headed over to the other side - there was an open chair next to Carolyn.
As I walk up she gives me the dirtiest look and says, "Oh No! Oh No! I am not sitting next to you!" I said, "You guys took the kids all of the way across the auditorium." She said, "They wanted to come with us!" I just rolled my eyes. "What did I do to you???? What did I do to you, Carolyn???" was all I said. Oh my goodness. What a red-lipped whore. I wish I could punch them both in the face. So angry right now. So so angry.
Why can't anyone knock some sense into that asshole? Seriously. I am losing it.
As I walk up she gives me the dirtiest look and says, "Oh No! Oh No! I am not sitting next to you!" I said, "You guys took the kids all of the way across the auditorium." She said, "They wanted to come with us!" I just rolled my eyes. "What did I do to you???? What did I do to you, Carolyn???" was all I said. Oh my goodness. What a red-lipped whore. I wish I could punch them both in the face. So angry right now. So so angry.
Why can't anyone knock some sense into that asshole? Seriously. I am losing it.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Lies
1. You said that you were just friends. In August, September, October, November, December, etc... I could keep going on and on. You lied. You planned to marry her as early as August of last year.
2. You said you "tried" to come back. You NEVER tried. Trying does not mean "thinking about it." Trying does not mean "talking yourself out of it." That is not trying. You chose her. You decided. I tried. I kept trying, even long after you weren't worth the effort.
3. You said I didn't change. You are wrong. You never took the time to get to know me. You never gave me the chance to show you. Actually, I DID show you. I bent over backwards to show you. I made lunches, bought a ring, washed and gassed up your truck. Over and over. And just because I am still upset, still hurt, still defensive, that does NOT mean I haven't changed. I still have the same personality, I have just changed my ways. I know now how to be faithful.
4. You said you followed the Spirit. The Spirit would never, ever guide you into another relationship while you are married. Never. I know - FROM EXPERIENCE. I remember feeling that way, and I remember the devastation I felt when I hit my true repentance, when I realized I had been fooling myself and destroying my family. I pray you never feel that devastation, but I hope you find your way back to the Lord, back to the truth.
5. You said you would never leave.
6. You said you loved me. Love endures all things. Even this. You were too weak to love me. Too weak to stick it out. You gave up. On me, on us, on our family. You chose her. That's all.
2. You said you "tried" to come back. You NEVER tried. Trying does not mean "thinking about it." Trying does not mean "talking yourself out of it." That is not trying. You chose her. You decided. I tried. I kept trying, even long after you weren't worth the effort.
3. You said I didn't change. You are wrong. You never took the time to get to know me. You never gave me the chance to show you. Actually, I DID show you. I bent over backwards to show you. I made lunches, bought a ring, washed and gassed up your truck. Over and over. And just because I am still upset, still hurt, still defensive, that does NOT mean I haven't changed. I still have the same personality, I have just changed my ways. I know now how to be faithful.
4. You said you followed the Spirit. The Spirit would never, ever guide you into another relationship while you are married. Never. I know - FROM EXPERIENCE. I remember feeling that way, and I remember the devastation I felt when I hit my true repentance, when I realized I had been fooling myself and destroying my family. I pray you never feel that devastation, but I hope you find your way back to the Lord, back to the truth.
5. You said you would never leave.
6. You said you loved me. Love endures all things. Even this. You were too weak to love me. Too weak to stick it out. You gave up. On me, on us, on our family. You chose her. That's all.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Pitiful?
These words made me cry today:
"First of all, I applaud your commitment to your kids not just from this message in keeping their bedtime but in your FB posts - you are the quality mom I respect and aspire to be like! I agree and support you 100%."
You guys have no idea how much it means to see this stuff written down.
These words made me cry yesterday:
"fritter knew in october that carolyn and I had an "inappropriate"
relationship and k ew our intentions I made them clear. through all
the time after we were "good" and if it were not for carolyn I would
not have been able to have the kids every other week due to the pain I
was experiencing. I tried to know if your change of heart was real and
your messages and personal interactions left me k owing that you are
the same and that you couldn't be trusted or I could not trust you to
come back and try again. I spoke with my bishop here in September and
he knew I was still married to you legally and of carolyn living with
me so wherever you get your info they are lying to you. carolyn lives
with me as a friend a in house care for me and yes my future wife
carolyn loves the kids more than anything yes this is all hard on all
of us and that is why we need to work on making sure that we can be
respectful to eachother. I don't share my "sob story" with strangers
or write my frustrations and invite others to read "that is not
private" telling people to pick sides really im not nor ever was
concerned that you would take me back az I have said before if I had
done the same you would work to destroy me and never take me back and
here you are. you are the same person you were and always will be your
tone and back handed comments never stopped this whole time so I never
came back and I did try but you are the same carolyn and I are not
like you or me or like you a d chris those are things that you say and
believe you are right. all you are left with is name calling and as
your blog continues and you tell your sobbing story you make yourself
look pitiful. I didn't start this conversation all im asking is stop
demeaning me putting me down if you have something to say regarding
the kids then say it. leave out your personal digs. bridal your
passions be careful with brian he has no idea what he is getting into
oven and I hope you are able to teach the children the correct
teachings of the gospel to counter the incorrect teachings at good
news club and vbs"
Don't ask me why the guy doesn't use punctuation or capitalization. Lazy, I guess.
I am feeling much better today.
"First of all, I applaud your commitment to your kids not just from this message in keeping their bedtime but in your FB posts - you are the quality mom I respect and aspire to be like! I agree and support you 100%."
You guys have no idea how much it means to see this stuff written down.
These words made me cry yesterday:
"fritter knew in october that carolyn and I had an "inappropriate"
relationship and k ew our intentions I made them clear. through all
the time after we were "good" and if it were not for carolyn I would
not have been able to have the kids every other week due to the pain I
was experiencing. I tried to know if your change of heart was real and
your messages and personal interactions left me k owing that you are
the same and that you couldn't be trusted or I could not trust you to
come back and try again. I spoke with my bishop here in September and
he knew I was still married to you legally and of carolyn living with
me so wherever you get your info they are lying to you. carolyn lives
with me as a friend a in house care for me and yes my future wife
carolyn loves the kids more than anything yes this is all hard on all
of us and that is why we need to work on making sure that we can be
respectful to eachother. I don't share my "sob story" with strangers
or write my frustrations and invite others to read "that is not
private" telling people to pick sides really im not nor ever was
concerned that you would take me back az I have said before if I had
done the same you would work to destroy me and never take me back and
here you are. you are the same person you were and always will be your
tone and back handed comments never stopped this whole time so I never
came back and I did try but you are the same carolyn and I are not
like you or me or like you a d chris those are things that you say and
believe you are right. all you are left with is name calling and as
your blog continues and you tell your sobbing story you make yourself
look pitiful. I didn't start this conversation all im asking is stop
demeaning me putting me down if you have something to say regarding
the kids then say it. leave out your personal digs. bridal your
passions be careful with brian he has no idea what he is getting into
oven and I hope you are able to teach the children the correct
teachings of the gospel to counter the incorrect teachings at good
news club and vbs"
Don't ask me why the guy doesn't use punctuation or capitalization. Lazy, I guess.
I am feeling much better today.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Funny Thing...
With all of our routines and plans and parenting tricks, our kids still have minds of their own.
Janey did NOT nap today, even though I ended up trying to put her down twice - once at noonish, and once at 3. She has acquired the new skill of climbing out of her crib and has become rather proficient. Excellent.
Then, after Grandma brought home 4 brand new bottles of "kid soap" from the store, she proceeded to empty at least 1/4 of a bottle of suds onto my carpet. Oh yes, I am grateful for that little bugger. Keeps me on my toes.
And yes, she got a nice little spank for that fun task.
So, now I have the challenge of trying to suck all of the shampoo out of the carpet in my room with the steam cleaner. It's going to take forever. And ever. I do not have time for this.
These are my little miracles.
Janey did NOT nap today, even though I ended up trying to put her down twice - once at noonish, and once at 3. She has acquired the new skill of climbing out of her crib and has become rather proficient. Excellent.
Then, after Grandma brought home 4 brand new bottles of "kid soap" from the store, she proceeded to empty at least 1/4 of a bottle of suds onto my carpet. Oh yes, I am grateful for that little bugger. Keeps me on my toes.
And yes, she got a nice little spank for that fun task.
So, now I have the challenge of trying to suck all of the shampoo out of the carpet in my room with the steam cleaner. It's going to take forever. And ever. I do not have time for this.
These are my little miracles.
Routine
Children love routine. They thrive on it. I think I always knew that; of course, you learn it in any parenting class you take or parenting book you read. But it is truly a magical thing when you see it working in your life.
I don't think I really embraced the concept of routine until I moved in here, to my parents house. My mother is a much STRICTER mother than I was, so I had to adapt my parenting techniques to fit her expectations. This meant baths every night because she really does not like stinky children. So we started bathing them every night. At first I had a lot of help from my mom, but, over time, she withdrew, and I have been doing it all on my own for several months now. Every evening, we eat dinner, and then take baths (one by one) and then go to bed (one or two at a time)... It is a predictable routine that helps the children AND me to know what to expect.
Specifically, this afternoon, I was struck by the bedtime/naptime routine for Janey. We walked in the door from picking up Derek and Breanna from school, and she threw a massive fit. She wanted candy that was in the car. I locked the front door to the house (regular lock and floor lock, mind you) so she couldn't get out. Well, she got out. In like 3 seconds. So I chased her down, swatted her bottom, brought her in, locked the door again, and let her yell at me. Suddenly, the lightbulb - NAPTIME! I got her cup ready. I went in and playfully, but aggressively changed her diaper. She was fighting back, but somehow cooperatively because it was almost a game. I told the bigger kids to say "Good night, Janey!" and they did, to which she responded "NOOOO!" I brought her upstairs to her room and she fought me the whole way - "I want Grandma!" "She's not here" "I want kisses from Grandma" "She's not here." Then into her room. "Do you want 'Rock a baby'?" "No." I rocked her and sang to her anyway. She smiled. I kept singing, and gave her the cup. I set her down, set up her pillow and blanket, tucked her in. I leaned down for my kiss and she gave me one. "Hug, hug, hug!" she said. I hugged her and kissed her again. "Good night Janey, I love you." "I love you, Mommy."
Magic.
I don't think I really embraced the concept of routine until I moved in here, to my parents house. My mother is a much STRICTER mother than I was, so I had to adapt my parenting techniques to fit her expectations. This meant baths every night because she really does not like stinky children. So we started bathing them every night. At first I had a lot of help from my mom, but, over time, she withdrew, and I have been doing it all on my own for several months now. Every evening, we eat dinner, and then take baths (one by one) and then go to bed (one or two at a time)... It is a predictable routine that helps the children AND me to know what to expect.
Specifically, this afternoon, I was struck by the bedtime/naptime routine for Janey. We walked in the door from picking up Derek and Breanna from school, and she threw a massive fit. She wanted candy that was in the car. I locked the front door to the house (regular lock and floor lock, mind you) so she couldn't get out. Well, she got out. In like 3 seconds. So I chased her down, swatted her bottom, brought her in, locked the door again, and let her yell at me. Suddenly, the lightbulb - NAPTIME! I got her cup ready. I went in and playfully, but aggressively changed her diaper. She was fighting back, but somehow cooperatively because it was almost a game. I told the bigger kids to say "Good night, Janey!" and they did, to which she responded "NOOOO!" I brought her upstairs to her room and she fought me the whole way - "I want Grandma!" "She's not here" "I want kisses from Grandma" "She's not here." Then into her room. "Do you want 'Rock a baby'?" "No." I rocked her and sang to her anyway. She smiled. I kept singing, and gave her the cup. I set her down, set up her pillow and blanket, tucked her in. I leaned down for my kiss and she gave me one. "Hug, hug, hug!" she said. I hugged her and kissed her again. "Good night Janey, I love you." "I love you, Mommy."
Magic.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Good Night
Whether I am alone in the house or not, it always feels weird to go to bed when the kids are gone. Probably because Parker shares his room with me. I find myself wanting to check on him or instinctively wondering where he is. I have to remind myself that they are with their Dad. It is comforting, although its own kind of stressful, having time away from the children, but I wouldn't necessarily say that I like it. I need it. I need sleep; I need time to catch up on cleaning and laundry. I don't like being away from my kids. I do like that my husband and his pretend wife get to experience the joy of having all of those children to care for. It is my job, and I love it, but I am a little smug when it comes to their ability (or inability) to do my job as well as I. Don't ask them. They will tell you they do it, gladly, cheerfully, and 10x better. Ask my children, who will tell you that "it's harder for Dad because Dad just isn't used to having all these kids around." Awwww, poor Rick. What's new? Now he plays victim to his own children. What-Ever.
Today is daylight savings. I am very very very very very very excited about having an extra hour of uninterrupted sleep. Did I mention excited? :-) Sweet dreams everyone!
Today is daylight savings. I am very very very very very very excited about having an extra hour of uninterrupted sleep. Did I mention excited? :-) Sweet dreams everyone!
Friday, November 4, 2011
Perspective
I have been told that I have terrible kids. I have also, much more often, been told that I have great kids. I have been told that I am a terrible mother. I have also, much more often, been told that I am a great mother. All four statements are most likely true. Overall, however, I know (and not just because of my personal "bias") that I have great kids and that they have a great Mom. I know this because it is the truth. The permanent truth. Not the temporary one.
Our truth is always based on our own perspective, which is why it is always so easy to disagree with others. What is true for me is certainly not true for my (not quite) ex-husband. According to him, he has "great" perspective and doesn't need therapy. Is that true? I would definitely argue against that fact, but there it is, he is CONVINCED. Realistically, it doesn't matter, in that it doesn't affect me. Or does it? Because it DOES affect our children. Every choice he has made and is making affects our children. He honestly believes that he is affecting them in a positive way, when all I can see is the EXTREME DAMAGE that his actions are doing. Who is right? Is it just a matter of "perspective"?
One thing I learned in preparing to join and in joining the church is that TRUTH is not relative. RIGHT and WRONG are not relative. We do not get to rationalize our way through morality, no matter how smart we are, or how "good" a person we have decided we are. There is such a thing as RIGHT and WRONG. Those things are universal. They are BLACK and WHITE. Now, that doesn't mean that people are only GOOD and BAD, but it does mean that their actions generally can be considered right or wrong. Have I done everything "right" in my divorce? Certainly not! I would, however, argue that I have done mostly right and mostly good, and I have tried very hard to always put the children first. I challenge anyone to point out any BIG decision I have made in the past year that was NOT in the best interest of these six amazing kids. I get so frustrated when lies are told, accusations are made, falsehoods assumed to be fact. Perception is NOT reality. Only reality is reality.
Another thing I have come to understand in the last few months is that repentance DOES NOT involve rationalization. I know that in the beginning (after my confession) I was still rationalizing my behavior. It was because of this or that, or it was "love" or it was "right." Once I truly saw the reality of my choices, I was no longer able to rationalize. I can see how my relationship with my husband led where it did, but I cannot and will not try to rationalize my behavior. I was WRONG. I know that, without question, and it was MY FAULT. So, if you find yourself rationalizing "wrong" behavior, you should know that you are not truly repentant for your actions. Just a hint... and, I promise, I share it without judging as I learned it from experience.
Our truth is always based on our own perspective, which is why it is always so easy to disagree with others. What is true for me is certainly not true for my (not quite) ex-husband. According to him, he has "great" perspective and doesn't need therapy. Is that true? I would definitely argue against that fact, but there it is, he is CONVINCED. Realistically, it doesn't matter, in that it doesn't affect me. Or does it? Because it DOES affect our children. Every choice he has made and is making affects our children. He honestly believes that he is affecting them in a positive way, when all I can see is the EXTREME DAMAGE that his actions are doing. Who is right? Is it just a matter of "perspective"?
One thing I learned in preparing to join and in joining the church is that TRUTH is not relative. RIGHT and WRONG are not relative. We do not get to rationalize our way through morality, no matter how smart we are, or how "good" a person we have decided we are. There is such a thing as RIGHT and WRONG. Those things are universal. They are BLACK and WHITE. Now, that doesn't mean that people are only GOOD and BAD, but it does mean that their actions generally can be considered right or wrong. Have I done everything "right" in my divorce? Certainly not! I would, however, argue that I have done mostly right and mostly good, and I have tried very hard to always put the children first. I challenge anyone to point out any BIG decision I have made in the past year that was NOT in the best interest of these six amazing kids. I get so frustrated when lies are told, accusations are made, falsehoods assumed to be fact. Perception is NOT reality. Only reality is reality.
Another thing I have come to understand in the last few months is that repentance DOES NOT involve rationalization. I know that in the beginning (after my confession) I was still rationalizing my behavior. It was because of this or that, or it was "love" or it was "right." Once I truly saw the reality of my choices, I was no longer able to rationalize. I can see how my relationship with my husband led where it did, but I cannot and will not try to rationalize my behavior. I was WRONG. I know that, without question, and it was MY FAULT. So, if you find yourself rationalizing "wrong" behavior, you should know that you are not truly repentant for your actions. Just a hint... and, I promise, I share it without judging as I learned it from experience.
Soccer.
| From: | amberathomson |
| To: | Richard Thomson |
| Date: | Thu, Nov 3, 2011 8:10 pm |
Are you going to bring the children to their soccer games on Saturday? It is the last time you would ve expected to go since they are with me the next three weekends.
I will need to prepare them either way.
Thank you,
Amber
P.S. The games are at 915, 930, and two at 12.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone
I will need to prepare them either way.
Thank you,
Amber
P.S. The games are at 915, 930, and two at 12.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone
| From: | Richard Thomson | ||||
| To: | amberathomson | ||||
| Subject: | Re: | ||||
| Date: | Fri, Nov 4, 2011 1:08 am |
is there any way that I may have them the third weekend I know that their vacation starts that friday but I don't get to have them as much as you.
| From: | amberathomson |
| To: | Richard Thomson |
| Subject: | Re: (No subject) |
| Date: | Fri, Nov 4, 2011 6:10 am |
I'm sorry, but the 3rd weekend is the last day of soccer. There are 5 games and likely a bunch of parties. In not willing to risk them missing out. Jason is already concerned about this weekend, which was the purpose of my email. I noticed that you ignored answering my question. I'd offer the weekend after Thanksgiving, but we will be making tamales.
Are you going back to work?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone
| From: | Richard Thomson |
| To: | amberathomson |
| Subject: | Re: (No subject) |
| Date: | Fri, Nov 4, 2011 8:24 am |
can I have them next weekend on Thursday after school since there is no school on friday. I thought I sent an answer regarding soccer to was in the second draft and never got sent. I would not be willing to take them to soccer this weekend if I can't have them an extra weekend since our time is limited if I could have them both weekends then we will be at both days of games. this Saturday and next. regarding work, I am not able to lift more than 25 lbs or twist my back the dr said full recovery will be three months. I don't think you realize the severity or the seriousness of the surgery so let me enlighten you they made an an 8 inch incision down my back cut through the muscles and spread them open th expose the spine then separated the vertebrae to access the spine then removed the tumor it took 2 neural surgeons due to the size of the tumor which was the larges they had both seen both drs have been neural surgeons for over 30 years so over 60 years combined its not normal for two drs to do this type of surgery it normally requires 1 I am lucky to be walking today it is truly a miracle. I will be returning to work I have always worked and will always worked except through this time of illness which you I feel was me just being a deadbeat who didn't want to pay you. im not looking for sympathy from you you are incapable of such a feeling this is all so you are informed since you are so animate about me going back to work also you lift think I am out here living with all this money but I also owe 50,000$ in med bills on top of what I have paid. so please I you can work with your therapist and your god to be patient I am trying to figure out how clean I can make money to pay for all my responsibilities again as I always have.
| From: | Amber Thomson |
| To: | Rick |
| Subject: | Re: (No subject) |
| Date: | Fri, Nov 4, 2011 10:16 am |
I have plans on Friday with the children. I can bring them to you on Friday the 11th afternoon/evening and you can bring them back Sunday.
I am sorry I used the term "deadbeat" in regards to you. It was only twice and out of extreme anger, hurt and frustration. Any assumptions about my mindset, goals, or motives are just that and do not help our situation. I didn't think asking about work was unreasonable. Apparently, it is a sensitive subject. Again, sorry. I feel I am being and have been EXCEPTIONALLY PATIENT, considering the circumstances, but that is just my opinion.
Thank you,
Amber
P.S. Our divorce is not final. Whether you are "married" to her or pretending to be married, it makes you a bigamist, and it hurts our children.
I am sorry I used the term "deadbeat" in regards to you. It was only twice and out of extreme anger, hurt and frustration. Any assumptions about my mindset, goals, or motives are just that and do not help our situation. I didn't think asking about work was unreasonable. Apparently, it is a sensitive subject. Again, sorry. I feel I am being and have been EXCEPTIONALLY PATIENT, considering the circumstances, but that is just my opinion.
Thank you,
Amber
P.S. Our divorce is not final. Whether you are "married" to her or pretending to be married, it makes you a bigamist, and it hurts our children.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
A Broken Heart
Until September 25, 2010, I don't think I had ever truly felt a broken heart. I'm sure my heart had been hurt, bruised, maybe even cracked before, but never, ever had I experienced this depth of despair. As time went on my heart began to break more and more, for different reasons and in different ways, but I certainly learned that a REAL broken heart is something unique and devastating. Getting through that has been a journey all its own. Separate from my marriage, from my children, from my family and friends. It changes a person. No one can know how until you experience it. And if you accept it, own it, learn from it, it will change you for the better. Otherwise, it is likely to change you for the worse.
At the time, I thought Matt Stevens had broken my heart. I've felt heartbroken when some of my girlfriends moved on from our friendship. Many others of my "boyfriends" along the way definitely hurt me and some even made me cry. A broken heart and a contrite spirit - that is what the Savior asks of us. And we will never know how it truly feels until it happens to us. My repentance has been a more profound experience than any other thing I have gone through - baptism, marriage, birthing children...
I know that I have changed for the better. I could list the ways, but it would only be boring and self serving. Those who know me and love me, those who have seen me through this transformation could surely tell you specifics. However, I've also found that the experience of a broken heart, the experience of a divorce, can dull or even numb a person's emotions. Sometimes I find myself thinking that nothing really matters anyway, that everything is expendable. My children, of course, are not included in that equation, but in the context of romantic relationships, I have very little faith. Yes, Brian has been amazing, and I am not discounting him in any way. I speak only of my own inability to believe in a complete future for myself. It must come down to fear. It must come down to the unspeakable failure that is a divorce.
Sometimes, I think I see myself happy, truly happy - not the pretend kind that I perpetuated for all of those years. That kind was so much work that I get tired just thinking about ever living that life again. I look forward to the relaxed kind. The kind where I live in harmony with God, life, love, and everyone around me. I absolutely see glimpses of it. I am in the process of letting go of the anger I feel toward those who have hurt me - the one who has broken my heart. I am in the process of forgiving. I hope I can accomplish that goal soon. I know it is the only way to find peace. I know it is the only way to piece this heart back together and trust in love again.
At the time, I thought Matt Stevens had broken my heart. I've felt heartbroken when some of my girlfriends moved on from our friendship. Many others of my "boyfriends" along the way definitely hurt me and some even made me cry. A broken heart and a contrite spirit - that is what the Savior asks of us. And we will never know how it truly feels until it happens to us. My repentance has been a more profound experience than any other thing I have gone through - baptism, marriage, birthing children...
I know that I have changed for the better. I could list the ways, but it would only be boring and self serving. Those who know me and love me, those who have seen me through this transformation could surely tell you specifics. However, I've also found that the experience of a broken heart, the experience of a divorce, can dull or even numb a person's emotions. Sometimes I find myself thinking that nothing really matters anyway, that everything is expendable. My children, of course, are not included in that equation, but in the context of romantic relationships, I have very little faith. Yes, Brian has been amazing, and I am not discounting him in any way. I speak only of my own inability to believe in a complete future for myself. It must come down to fear. It must come down to the unspeakable failure that is a divorce.
Sometimes, I think I see myself happy, truly happy - not the pretend kind that I perpetuated for all of those years. That kind was so much work that I get tired just thinking about ever living that life again. I look forward to the relaxed kind. The kind where I live in harmony with God, life, love, and everyone around me. I absolutely see glimpses of it. I am in the process of letting go of the anger I feel toward those who have hurt me - the one who has broken my heart. I am in the process of forgiving. I hope I can accomplish that goal soon. I know it is the only way to find peace. I know it is the only way to piece this heart back together and trust in love again.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Bigamy
I am, regretfully, still married to Richard James Thomson. The divorce is NOT final. He is, however, living with another woman, wearing "rings" and acting as if he were married. Was there a ceremony? I wonder. Now I am married to a bigamist. This just keeps getting MORE AND MORE AWESOME. And by awesome, I mean RETARDED. And I do not use that word lightly.
Why?
I have thought long and hard about why I chose to do the things I did. I think that it is common for someone who is betrayed to wonder, and I wanted to have an answer for anyone who asked. I also wanted to understand the feelings behind my own actions. In our couples therapy, after the "incident" in 2008, our counselor explained that we act on our feelings. We need to accept and understand our feelings so that we can understand and control our own actions. The choices I was making seemed irrational (even at the time) but obviously they were coming from my "feelings" that were very real...
Obviously, since I was unfaithful to my husband, I was not happy in my marriage. Obviously, since he is not choosing to work things out with me now, Rick, too, was unhappy in our marriage. It was not a good marriage. But it still can be.
The emails between my "affair" and me were basically of a light and friendly nature. For me, looking outside my marriage was always about getting attention, getting more attention, getting a different type of attention. I never knew what I was longing for, looking for, until I actually found it. My "distractions" always ended up being a disappointment, never enough to feed whatever this desire was that I had. This relationship was somehow different. Someone from my past, someone I had dated (briefly, innocently) in high school, gave the illusion of familiarity, comfort, and closeness. The letters we exchanged were simple, not sordid or explicit. Not "What color are your underwear?" or "How often do you like it?" but "What color did you paint your toes?" and "How are you wearing your hair today?"... Details. Attention to details. My favorite color is red, I love being tall and wearing high heels. No detail was unimportant. I felt adored, desired. This was not the way my marriage made me feel (does anyone's??) and I let myself become infatuated.
The reality was, it was an illusion - a fantasy. That is what an affair is, really. The grass is greener, and all that. I never considered myself to be much of a romantic, but through this experience I realized that I do like, need, appreciate all of the "romantic" stuff. My marriage (though our reasons were very "practical") started in a romantic way. A two-week courtship certainly SEEMS romantic, and, I think, for a while, at least, that was enough. But two weeks is not a courtship, and I was never "wooed" by my husband. We just kind of DECIDED and then it was done. He had me. No effort necessary. This tendency toward shortcuts characterized much of our relationship/marriage. We skipped so many steps. Rushed into buying our first house (we were not financially ready) and then got pregnant too quickly. Then we continued to make terrible decisions about finances, and CONTINUED having children. And more children... No romance. Ever.
Obviously, since I was unfaithful to my husband, I was not happy in my marriage. Obviously, since he is not choosing to work things out with me now, Rick, too, was unhappy in our marriage. It was not a good marriage. But it still can be.
The emails between my "affair" and me were basically of a light and friendly nature. For me, looking outside my marriage was always about getting attention, getting more attention, getting a different type of attention. I never knew what I was longing for, looking for, until I actually found it. My "distractions" always ended up being a disappointment, never enough to feed whatever this desire was that I had. This relationship was somehow different. Someone from my past, someone I had dated (briefly, innocently) in high school, gave the illusion of familiarity, comfort, and closeness. The letters we exchanged were simple, not sordid or explicit. Not "What color are your underwear?" or "How often do you like it?" but "What color did you paint your toes?" and "How are you wearing your hair today?"... Details. Attention to details. My favorite color is red, I love being tall and wearing high heels. No detail was unimportant. I felt adored, desired. This was not the way my marriage made me feel (does anyone's??) and I let myself become infatuated.
The reality was, it was an illusion - a fantasy. That is what an affair is, really. The grass is greener, and all that. I never considered myself to be much of a romantic, but through this experience I realized that I do like, need, appreciate all of the "romantic" stuff. My marriage (though our reasons were very "practical") started in a romantic way. A two-week courtship certainly SEEMS romantic, and, I think, for a while, at least, that was enough. But two weeks is not a courtship, and I was never "wooed" by my husband. We just kind of DECIDED and then it was done. He had me. No effort necessary. This tendency toward shortcuts characterized much of our relationship/marriage. We skipped so many steps. Rushed into buying our first house (we were not financially ready) and then got pregnant too quickly. Then we continued to make terrible decisions about finances, and CONTINUED having children. And more children... No romance. Ever.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Two Conversations
At Dinner:
Jason - "Mom, are you going to marry Brian?"
Me - "I don't know, Jason. If I did, how would you feel about that?"
Jason - "I think that I would feel......weird."
Me - "Weird, huh? Well, yes, I guess me getting married to someone else would be weird!"
Jason - "No, Brian..."
Me - "Me marrying Brian would be weird?"
Jason - "Yes."
Me - "Well, I am not planning to marry Brian, but if I did, how would that be weird?"
Jason - "Because if we lived with Brian, Papa and Grandma wouldn't come visit. Because they don't like Brian."
Wow. Now, the truth is that Papa and Grandma do not have a problem with Brian. They like him just fine. They just 'prefer' that I date someone who is more capable of 'taking care' of my family - FINANCIALLY. Of course, because right now, they are shouldering that burden. It sure would be nice if they could pass the torch. We all get it. But I thought it was enlightening and interesting how this reality translated into Jason's mind. As if they would never visit, even if they ACTUALLY didn't like Brian. They weren't too fond of Rick and they still came to visit!! Hahahaha! Anyway, the conversation went on and I was able to convince him that he had nothing to worry about. Now he just keeps saying "...if you marry a guy that..." and comes up with all sorts of interesting ideas!
During Derek's bath:
Derek - "Mom, I want some bath toys. Do you have any bath toys?"
Me - "We don't have bath toys, sorry."
Derek - "Daddy has LOTS of bath toys."
Me - "That's nice."
Derek - "I wish I could go and live with Daddy."
Me - "Wouldn't that be fun? They sure have a lot of fun things! And you wouldn't have to go to school!"
Derek - "Yeah! We would be homeschooled!"
Oh my gosh. The thought of that woman homeschooling my children is so absurdly ridiculous that I cannot even begin to describe it. Thank goodness they cannot choose their custodial parent until they are old enough to know better.
Today was another crazy one, but it was a good day. I love my smart, insightful, emotional kids. They truly are amazing!
Jason - "Mom, are you going to marry Brian?"
Me - "I don't know, Jason. If I did, how would you feel about that?"
Jason - "I think that I would feel......weird."
Me - "Weird, huh? Well, yes, I guess me getting married to someone else would be weird!"
Jason - "No, Brian..."
Me - "Me marrying Brian would be weird?"
Jason - "Yes."
Me - "Well, I am not planning to marry Brian, but if I did, how would that be weird?"
Jason - "Because if we lived with Brian, Papa and Grandma wouldn't come visit. Because they don't like Brian."
Wow. Now, the truth is that Papa and Grandma do not have a problem with Brian. They like him just fine. They just 'prefer' that I date someone who is more capable of 'taking care' of my family - FINANCIALLY. Of course, because right now, they are shouldering that burden. It sure would be nice if they could pass the torch. We all get it. But I thought it was enlightening and interesting how this reality translated into Jason's mind. As if they would never visit, even if they ACTUALLY didn't like Brian. They weren't too fond of Rick and they still came to visit!! Hahahaha! Anyway, the conversation went on and I was able to convince him that he had nothing to worry about. Now he just keeps saying "...if you marry a guy that..." and comes up with all sorts of interesting ideas!
During Derek's bath:
Derek - "Mom, I want some bath toys. Do you have any bath toys?"
Me - "We don't have bath toys, sorry."
Derek - "Daddy has LOTS of bath toys."
Me - "That's nice."
Derek - "I wish I could go and live with Daddy."
Me - "Wouldn't that be fun? They sure have a lot of fun things! And you wouldn't have to go to school!"
Derek - "Yeah! We would be homeschooled!"
Oh my gosh. The thought of that woman homeschooling my children is so absurdly ridiculous that I cannot even begin to describe it. Thank goodness they cannot choose their custodial parent until they are old enough to know better.
Today was another crazy one, but it was a good day. I love my smart, insightful, emotional kids. They truly are amazing!
Costco
My decision to apply at Costco was actually quite random. My mom and I were in there with the two babies the other day (Oct 20) and one of the Customer Service Reps offered us a membership at a discount. My father-in-law had recently removed me from his account, so I WAS in need of establishing membership, either on my own or under my parents, so it was perfect timing on her part. As we continued in the process, my mom mentioned "You could do that." And she was soooo right! I asked the girl at the Member Service desk if they were hiring. She said they were, and told me to go apply online. I couldn't get to it until the next day, and I filled out the online application for both La Habra and Fullerton. The Fullerton store called me on Monday or Tuesday and scheduled today's interview.
My parents had to shift around their schedule quite a bit to accommodate the babysitting for me to make the interview at 3pm. My friend Kristy picked up all three of the oldest from school and dropped them at the house for me. Just interviewing for a job requires a great deal of help. Grateful for the "village" that is helping me!
I dressed up, did my hair, put on some make-up... oh yeah, and I printed up my resume too! Once I got there (ten minutes early) I ended up having to wait almost a full hour before the interview even started. In the break room. At Costco. A W K W A R D.
The interview went great. The two managers I met with both liked me a lot, and the general manager basically said it was a "no-brainer" to hire me. His only worry was that I was so over-qualified for the position - he wanted to make sure that I knew what I was in for. I knew. I know. I am so ready. Haha.
Drug test done, waiting for the background check before I can do orientation. Exciting stuff! I am looking forward to the new challenge, new experience. It is a new chapter.
My parents had to shift around their schedule quite a bit to accommodate the babysitting for me to make the interview at 3pm. My friend Kristy picked up all three of the oldest from school and dropped them at the house for me. Just interviewing for a job requires a great deal of help. Grateful for the "village" that is helping me!
I dressed up, did my hair, put on some make-up... oh yeah, and I printed up my resume too! Once I got there (ten minutes early) I ended up having to wait almost a full hour before the interview even started. In the break room. At Costco. A W K W A R D.
The interview went great. The two managers I met with both liked me a lot, and the general manager basically said it was a "no-brainer" to hire me. His only worry was that I was so over-qualified for the position - he wanted to make sure that I knew what I was in for. I knew. I know. I am so ready. Haha.
Drug test done, waiting for the background check before I can do orientation. Exciting stuff! I am looking forward to the new challenge, new experience. It is a new chapter.
Consistency
OMG. Discipline is hard. Anyone who has kids knows this, and anyone with three or more kids knows it is EXTRA HARD. With all of mine, and all of them so young, I sometimes feel it is impossible, and have therefore been not-so-great at consistently disciplining my kids for their bad behavior. It's not something I'm proud of, but I have barely held it together the past year or so. I am humbling myself and telling the truth. Hopefully it'll help inspire someone to fight the good fight a little harder!
This week in therapy for Hattie, the therapist kind of reamed me for not doing a better job of following through with consequences for poor behavior (ie. fighting, yelling, talking back, etc.) I absolutely agree (agreed!) with her, but I feel so powerless sometimes when standing up to my brood. Powerless to enforce discipline when I have a screaming hungry baby, or a whiny toddler, or WHAT-EV-ER else I may be facing. She strongly encouraged me to "figure it out!" I have taken her advice to heart.
Her suggestion was for a family meeting where we list rules and consequences. If the kids are involved in making the rules (and the consequences) they then know exactly what they are facing. We had NO TIME, no opportunity, to have a family meeting, so I just started listing "my" rules as they came up:
Rules:
1. Eat at the table.
2. No talking back.
3. No foul language.
I hadn't even listed consequences yet. Eventually (within about an hour or so) Jason began filling out the form even further - with the help of his siblings - including consequences.
Consequences:
1. You get whatever you're eating taken away.
etc.
etc.
You get the idea...
And he added additional rules:
4. No screaming or yelling.
with their subsequent consequences:
4. Go to bed/nap for 30 minutes.
The list has continued to grow, and since they created it themselves, I have felt obligated to comply with strict enforcement. Subsequent consequences have developed with everything ending at GO TO BED (early/without dinner/whatever.) It isn't a perfect system.
I will tell you, all heck broke loose when I got home from my interview tonight about 5:30. (Yes, I got a very part time job at Costco, I will blog later, if I have time.) The kids were INSANE, and I needed to get them fed and (eventually) to bed. As I began to institute consequences for their (mis)behavior, the disobedience only accelerated. WOW! I was amazed at the volume level, the need for attention, the disrespect. I did, however, begin to deal with them one by one. Breanna was the first, and she finally was sent to bed for good, without dinner, even without a bath, at around 6. I stayed calm and enforced consequences as they came up. Derek got sent to his bed for yelling (I will admit he stayed nowhere near 30 minutes, but he definitely got the message.) Both boys ended up in bed by about 7:30.
The house is now peaceful. Only two kids up (youngest and oldest!) and Hattie is surprisingly close to being finished with her homework. It is working. My daughter's therapist told me yesterday that it is all about CONSISTENCY. I knew that. I believed her. I just wasn't sure I could do it. Now I know I can. :-)
This week in therapy for Hattie, the therapist kind of reamed me for not doing a better job of following through with consequences for poor behavior (ie. fighting, yelling, talking back, etc.) I absolutely agree (agreed!) with her, but I feel so powerless sometimes when standing up to my brood. Powerless to enforce discipline when I have a screaming hungry baby, or a whiny toddler, or WHAT-EV-ER else I may be facing. She strongly encouraged me to "figure it out!" I have taken her advice to heart.
Her suggestion was for a family meeting where we list rules and consequences. If the kids are involved in making the rules (and the consequences) they then know exactly what they are facing. We had NO TIME, no opportunity, to have a family meeting, so I just started listing "my" rules as they came up:
Rules:
1. Eat at the table.
2. No talking back.
3. No foul language.
I hadn't even listed consequences yet. Eventually (within about an hour or so) Jason began filling out the form even further - with the help of his siblings - including consequences.
Consequences:
1. You get whatever you're eating taken away.
etc.
etc.
You get the idea...
And he added additional rules:
4. No screaming or yelling.
with their subsequent consequences:
4. Go to bed/nap for 30 minutes.
The list has continued to grow, and since they created it themselves, I have felt obligated to comply with strict enforcement. Subsequent consequences have developed with everything ending at GO TO BED (early/without dinner/whatever.) It isn't a perfect system.
I will tell you, all heck broke loose when I got home from my interview tonight about 5:30. (Yes, I got a very part time job at Costco, I will blog later, if I have time.) The kids were INSANE, and I needed to get them fed and (eventually) to bed. As I began to institute consequences for their (mis)behavior, the disobedience only accelerated. WOW! I was amazed at the volume level, the need for attention, the disrespect. I did, however, begin to deal with them one by one. Breanna was the first, and she finally was sent to bed for good, without dinner, even without a bath, at around 6. I stayed calm and enforced consequences as they came up. Derek got sent to his bed for yelling (I will admit he stayed nowhere near 30 minutes, but he definitely got the message.) Both boys ended up in bed by about 7:30.
The house is now peaceful. Only two kids up (youngest and oldest!) and Hattie is surprisingly close to being finished with her homework. It is working. My daughter's therapist told me yesterday that it is all about CONSISTENCY. I knew that. I believed her. I just wasn't sure I could do it. Now I know I can. :-)
FB Note from Tuesday night.
This is my life.
by Amber Yunker Thomson on Tuesday, October 25, 2011 at 9:40pm
Blogger mobile won't let me blog from my phone, so I am venting here (on Facebook)...
This evening, after spending an hour and a half trying to get Hattie to focus on and finish her homework, I eventually sent her to bed. She took the homework with her after a mini-tantrum screaming fit. I went to her room to express my displeasure with her behavior, and she made a point to tell me that I couldn't force her to apologize. Of course, she was right. She already had tears in her eyes, and, as I disappointedly exited her room she cried,"Dad already bought Carolyn a ring. It's there. He has one too! They're wearing them."
She was hysterical. My heart broke for her. I'm grateful it is no longer breaking for me as I get exciting new challenges to deal with. Exciting new confusion to navigate with/for my children. How can a parent be this selfish? How can he not see how devastated they are?
This evening, after spending an hour and a half trying to get Hattie to focus on and finish her homework, I eventually sent her to bed. She took the homework with her after a mini-tantrum screaming fit. I went to her room to express my displeasure with her behavior, and she made a point to tell me that I couldn't force her to apologize. Of course, she was right. She already had tears in her eyes, and, as I disappointedly exited her room she cried,"Dad already bought Carolyn a ring. It's there. He has one too! They're wearing them."
She was hysterical. My heart broke for her. I'm grateful it is no longer breaking for me as I get exciting new challenges to deal with. Exciting new confusion to navigate with/for my children. How can a parent be this selfish? How can he not see how devastated they are?
Monday, October 24, 2011
Happy Anniversary.
The most frustrating thing is that I really do think about and worry about and digest many many other subjects. How can I change the focus to something more productive? As I use the blog to release my tension and anger, it is only natural that the crap I am dealing with regarding the EX would be included here... But, I get it. I need to get over it. I need to move on. How do I do that?
One would think that another relationship would be a great way to let go of the demons of the past and move forward. Unfortunately, that is no fool-proof answer, and although I am grateful for the patience and support I have received in my new relationship, it has in NO WAY fixed all my problems. As my parents so delicately pointed out this weekend, it brings new complications all its own. Yes, I get that. And in other ways, it is a lifesaver - HE is a lifesaver.
Having six children is a lot of work. A LOT of work. I would dare to say it is IMPOSSIBLE to do alone. I've been here at my parents since my separation and have received an immeasurable amount of help from them. From financial help, to emotional help, to physical help, I have leaned on my family from the very beginning. A couple of months ago, my parents made it clear that they would like for me to "figure out" how to do it "on my own." Now, the reality is that there is no such thing as "on my own." If I am not relying as fully on my mom and stepdad for the physical help (babysitting, meals, baths, bed, etc.) I will have to fill in that gap somewhere. My sister-in-law Trina has recently stepped in to help, but the rest of that void has been lovingly and cheerfully filled by Brian. He works through the evenings many nights a week, but has been willing to (on his "free" evenings) come over and hold/feed the baby while I am doing dinner, baths, beds. He (Dad of two young boys, but mostly on the weekends) has adjusted to my parenting style and has learned how to enforce the weeknight routine we have instituted in this household. He's washed dishes, cleared tables, and (OF COURSE) held a baby for hours on end, even a screaming one. He has played with the children, given "superman" rides, told story upon story to an eager crowd. He has let me cry and made me laugh (and laugh and laugh) when that is what I've needed. I feel safe. I know I can trust. I am enough when he is with me.
So, now, on to the concept of dating in a general (and perhaps hypothetical??) sense. Who on earth would date a woman with six kids? To even consider it, you would have to be a little on the crazy side. Dating a man with six kids is nearly as crazy, but he's only got 20% custody! It isn't at all the same!! So, I have to wonder - why? Can I trust you with my heart? With my children? And how many conniving, slimy losers would I have to date before I found one who might possibly be worth my time? Am I willing to expose my children to even a small fraction of the number it would take? No way. Dating sucks. I know this. I first met Brian when I was 14 years old. I liked him then. He made me laugh. :-) And throughout high school, I admired him for his eccentric personality, sense of humor, and confidence. I always wanted to know him better. I do now, and he is all that and more.
I present all of this to show that I have not taken my decision to be "involved" with Brian lightly. He is good for me. He is good for my children. He is a good person. Through and through. Does he have flaws? Of course, WE ALL DO. I am, frankly, amazed (and grateful!) he has stuck by me all this time through my emotional ups and downs. He has navigated a stream of mixed messages, very clear messages, and contrary messages and found his way to my heart.
If there is one thing I know, it is that imperfection is universal. I know I am working every day to better myself and the lives of my kids. Brian helps me do that in countless ways.
One would think that another relationship would be a great way to let go of the demons of the past and move forward. Unfortunately, that is no fool-proof answer, and although I am grateful for the patience and support I have received in my new relationship, it has in NO WAY fixed all my problems. As my parents so delicately pointed out this weekend, it brings new complications all its own. Yes, I get that. And in other ways, it is a lifesaver - HE is a lifesaver.
Having six children is a lot of work. A LOT of work. I would dare to say it is IMPOSSIBLE to do alone. I've been here at my parents since my separation and have received an immeasurable amount of help from them. From financial help, to emotional help, to physical help, I have leaned on my family from the very beginning. A couple of months ago, my parents made it clear that they would like for me to "figure out" how to do it "on my own." Now, the reality is that there is no such thing as "on my own." If I am not relying as fully on my mom and stepdad for the physical help (babysitting, meals, baths, bed, etc.) I will have to fill in that gap somewhere. My sister-in-law Trina has recently stepped in to help, but the rest of that void has been lovingly and cheerfully filled by Brian. He works through the evenings many nights a week, but has been willing to (on his "free" evenings) come over and hold/feed the baby while I am doing dinner, baths, beds. He (Dad of two young boys, but mostly on the weekends) has adjusted to my parenting style and has learned how to enforce the weeknight routine we have instituted in this household. He's washed dishes, cleared tables, and (OF COURSE) held a baby for hours on end, even a screaming one. He has played with the children, given "superman" rides, told story upon story to an eager crowd. He has let me cry and made me laugh (and laugh and laugh) when that is what I've needed. I feel safe. I know I can trust. I am enough when he is with me.
So, now, on to the concept of dating in a general (and perhaps hypothetical??) sense. Who on earth would date a woman with six kids? To even consider it, you would have to be a little on the crazy side. Dating a man with six kids is nearly as crazy, but he's only got 20% custody! It isn't at all the same!! So, I have to wonder - why? Can I trust you with my heart? With my children? And how many conniving, slimy losers would I have to date before I found one who might possibly be worth my time? Am I willing to expose my children to even a small fraction of the number it would take? No way. Dating sucks. I know this. I first met Brian when I was 14 years old. I liked him then. He made me laugh. :-) And throughout high school, I admired him for his eccentric personality, sense of humor, and confidence. I always wanted to know him better. I do now, and he is all that and more.
I present all of this to show that I have not taken my decision to be "involved" with Brian lightly. He is good for me. He is good for my children. He is a good person. Through and through. Does he have flaws? Of course, WE ALL DO. I am, frankly, amazed (and grateful!) he has stuck by me all this time through my emotional ups and downs. He has navigated a stream of mixed messages, very clear messages, and contrary messages and found his way to my heart.
If there is one thing I know, it is that imperfection is universal. I know I am working every day to better myself and the lives of my kids. Brian helps me do that in countless ways.
Too Busy and LOL
I don't have nearly the amount of time I would like to have to blog on all of the things I have been sifting through in my brain. The easiest, most prominent drama is, of course, the toils of dealing with Rick and Carolyn. Therefore, unfortunately, they have taken center stage in this soap opera. In reality, my mind is struggling with much more than the BS that they throw my way. However, they provide me with such frustrating fodder, how can I resist?
When I need a good laugh, I will now return to this email, which I received from Rick on Friday (Specifically, the very first line of the first paragraph - a joke in and of itself.):
When I need a good laugh, I will now return to this email, which I received from Rick on Friday (Specifically, the very first line of the first paragraph - a joke in and of itself.):
| From: | Richard Thomson |
| To: | Me |
| Subject: | Re: (No subject) |
| Date: | Fri, Oct 21, 2011 12:06 pm |
I have not been angry for a long time. As for therapy no need been there and im dealing with all this in a healthy manner and have great perspective. Its your behaviors and actions that have made up peoples minds I never went around telling people what you did they heard it from you or experienced your behaviors first hand. one thing you will hopefully learn through your repentance is that the lord will heal you as you let go and forgive. There is no need to fight or put down or paint anyone in a negative light. You still after all that therapy need all your put downs and opinions out for all to see and really its sad to see you go down that road clearly you are not thinking about the kids as you keep your negative posts and tell perfect strangers your personal trials as skewed as they have been validated by those who hadn't known you for years and know how crafty and manipulative you can be. I pray for you and always have and will continue I hope you can change forgive and be an honorable mother. put down your judgments they will not help you or the children. "I have nothing more to say on this subject." the father
Friday, October 21, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
excercise in futility
I invited her to read my blog.
This was the response I got:
***I wrote this before you sent your note.
I wasn't going to send it, but you are so inaccurately judgmental of a situation you DO NOT UNDERSTAND, I feel like I still should try.***
This was the response I got:
| From: | Her |
| To: | Me |
| Subject: | Blog invite |
| Date: | Thu, Oct 13, 2011 2:14 pm |
Thanks for the invite but I will pass. I have no desire to read your public pity party. I am surprised a deeply devoted mother and such a repentant daughter of our Heavenly Father has so much time to blog and would exert so much energy trying to destroy her children's father. I guess it shouldn't surprise me though given your love of the internet and attention. Who is desperate and pathetic now?
I responded:
| From: | Me |
| To: | Her |
| Subject: | Re: Blog invite |
| Date: | Thu, Oct 13, 2011 4:51 pm |
***I wrote this before you sent your note.
I wasn't going to send it, but you are so inaccurately judgmental of a situation you DO NOT UNDERSTAND, I feel like I still should try.***
I will never want my husband back again. You can have him. Forever. I do not and will never again stand in your way. I see now, more than ever, that he will never be the man I thought I married. Funny thing is, he will never be the man you think he is either. Good luck to you. It took me ten years to internalize the insecurities you have already begun to express. Maybe it helps that you can blame me for everything, but eventually that will get old and you two will be stuck with yourselves - stuck taking responsibility for your own selfish decisions.
I'm astounded that you feel so frustrated at having to "deal with me" since you got here. You lend no respect nor credit to the fact that I have always been his wife, unfortunately STILL SO, and mother of his children. We were married in the temple. And I was actually PREGNANT when you got here. Who do you think you are? You were not around for our marriage. You do not know at all what our marriage was like. You take the word of a HURT, ANGRY man. And maybe his crazy, protective family, who NEVER knew me. NEVER. The people he has kept in his life are people who DID NOT have any relationship with me, so that he can weave his victim/martyr story that much easier. I have told the truth, and he has continued to lie.
And now he has replaced me with you. He did it IMMEDIATELY, and he has still never dealt with his pain over what I did to him. He changed his focus. He hopes to create what he THOUGHT we had. And it is sad, because he will most likely end up re-creating EXACTLY what we had. An unhappy marriage. Remember it took me almost a decade to have the feelings of doubt and the need for reassurance that you have already expressed to him. You think that when... this or that happens (when he is divorced, when you are married) that things will change, but I assure you they will not. For me it was if only he helped more, or let me have more breaks... He talks a good talk, it's true. And I "knew" that he loved me. But I DID NOT FEEL LOVED. I constantly needed reassurance, and then he made me feel guilty about it, just as he has done with you. It is not your fault that the two of you have problems. It is not your fault that you feel insecure!!!! I LIVED THAT RELATIONSHIP.
You blame me, you call me crazy. That is fine, I understand. But I see the reality of my marriage. And I see the reality of your future marriage - more clearly than you can imagine. I feel sorry for you. You are the one who has been caught up in HIS trap. You're right that he has shut me down at every step, shot down every attempt I made to show him that our family is worth saving. So why are you still questioning? Not because of you. It is because he (maybe subconsciously) encourages that insecurity in you. It is to keep you there, adoring him, looking up to him, never feeling good enough. Those feelings were such an important part of why I did the terrible things I did. I CRAVED validation. Not because I am a bad person, but because I did not get it in my relationship. Maybe he has learned from his mistakes. From what I read, I doubt it.
You praise him for all of his "get rich quick" schemes. You encourage his frivolous spending and irresponsible dreams. That is because you don't have the worry or the responsibility of actually taking care of the family. I did listen to him, I did encourage him, but I did it in practical ways. I tried to build a life together that was responsible and happy. I tried my hardest to make the fantasy we were supposed to be, the perception of perfection, a reality... and I failed.
Chiropractic college? NuSkin? Progen-whatever? How many times will he have to fail before you see that he is a man with big dreams and no follow through? You will not be able to carry him. I couldn't. You will not be able to accomplish his life for him. I wasn't. I loved him, and served him and tried to be everything all the time. And I wasn't happy. Neither of us were happy. I made bad decisions, made mistakes, have learned many many difficult lessons.
I am sincerely sorry, truly repentant for the ways I hurt him. He has refused to listen, and you have encouraged him to turn his back on his eternal family for your own selfish desires. You think it's okay that he just "owes" me (and his children) over $13,000?? That makes sense to you? And I am the selfish one. You have one school-aged child and do not work, yet I am supposed to "get a job" with 6 children, 2 who are under 3? How has this story become logical to you? He is able to support you BECAUSE he let go of supporting his own children. BECAUSE my parents have taken on the financial responsibility and yes, BURDEN of raising 6 kids!
Neither of you are victims. Stop acting like it.
I'm astounded that you feel so frustrated at having to "deal with me" since you got here. You lend no respect nor credit to the fact that I have always been his wife, unfortunately STILL SO, and mother of his children. We were married in the temple. And I was actually PREGNANT when you got here. Who do you think you are? You were not around for our marriage. You do not know at all what our marriage was like. You take the word of a HURT, ANGRY man. And maybe his crazy, protective family, who NEVER knew me. NEVER. The people he has kept in his life are people who DID NOT have any relationship with me, so that he can weave his victim/martyr story that much easier. I have told the truth, and he has continued to lie.
And now he has replaced me with you. He did it IMMEDIATELY, and he has still never dealt with his pain over what I did to him. He changed his focus. He hopes to create what he THOUGHT we had. And it is sad, because he will most likely end up re-creating EXACTLY what we had. An unhappy marriage. Remember it took me almost a decade to have the feelings of doubt and the need for reassurance that you have already expressed to him. You think that when... this or that happens (when he is divorced, when you are married) that things will change, but I assure you they will not. For me it was if only he helped more, or let me have more breaks... He talks a good talk, it's true. And I "knew" that he loved me. But I DID NOT FEEL LOVED. I constantly needed reassurance, and then he made me feel guilty about it, just as he has done with you. It is not your fault that the two of you have problems. It is not your fault that you feel insecure!!!! I LIVED THAT RELATIONSHIP.
You blame me, you call me crazy. That is fine, I understand. But I see the reality of my marriage. And I see the reality of your future marriage - more clearly than you can imagine. I feel sorry for you. You are the one who has been caught up in HIS trap. You're right that he has shut me down at every step, shot down every attempt I made to show him that our family is worth saving. So why are you still questioning? Not because of you. It is because he (maybe subconsciously) encourages that insecurity in you. It is to keep you there, adoring him, looking up to him, never feeling good enough. Those feelings were such an important part of why I did the terrible things I did. I CRAVED validation. Not because I am a bad person, but because I did not get it in my relationship. Maybe he has learned from his mistakes. From what I read, I doubt it.
You praise him for all of his "get rich quick" schemes. You encourage his frivolous spending and irresponsible dreams. That is because you don't have the worry or the responsibility of actually taking care of the family. I did listen to him, I did encourage him, but I did it in practical ways. I tried to build a life together that was responsible and happy. I tried my hardest to make the fantasy we were supposed to be, the perception of perfection, a reality... and I failed.
Chiropractic college? NuSkin? Progen-whatever? How many times will he have to fail before you see that he is a man with big dreams and no follow through? You will not be able to carry him. I couldn't. You will not be able to accomplish his life for him. I wasn't. I loved him, and served him and tried to be everything all the time. And I wasn't happy. Neither of us were happy. I made bad decisions, made mistakes, have learned many many difficult lessons.
I am sincerely sorry, truly repentant for the ways I hurt him. He has refused to listen, and you have encouraged him to turn his back on his eternal family for your own selfish desires. You think it's okay that he just "owes" me (and his children) over $13,000?? That makes sense to you? And I am the selfish one. You have one school-aged child and do not work, yet I am supposed to "get a job" with 6 children, 2 who are under 3? How has this story become logical to you? He is able to support you BECAUSE he let go of supporting his own children. BECAUSE my parents have taken on the financial responsibility and yes, BURDEN of raising 6 kids!
Neither of you are victims. Stop acting like it.
And got back:
| From: | Her |
| To: | Me |
| Subject: | Re: Blog invite |
| Date: | Thu, Oct 13, 2011 5:10 pm |
You will get your money so don't worry. I have money from my family inheritance that provides for me and my daughter. You are the one who is confused and assumes things that you know nothing about. I am not a victim and never have been. I pray that one day you will see that the victim label you like to label everyone else with is the very label you give yourself with every blog or text you send. Good luck in your new life I wish you only the best. I KNOW what my life with Rick will be like and do not need your observations drawn from emails about situations and conversations that you will never understand. Sometimes it is better to not feel the need to know everything but you sadly have yet to learn that. I sincerely pray that someday you find peace.
And that, my friends, is when I realized there was no point in corresponding with either of them any further. Rick doesn't even bother telling me if/when he is planning to take the kids. He tells the kids it will still be... (however long.) Freaking awesome. I hope they have a nice delusional life together.
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