Another waste of time.

(sent just now - 12:58am 12/03/2011)

Dear Rick,

I am very disappointed that you will not allow Hattie and Jason to attend their rehearsal for the Stake (Church) Christmas Choir on Sunday afternoon.  I had hoped that since I was dropping them off almost 4 hours early yesterday, it would make up for "your time" lost on Sunday.  A 4:30 rehearsal, at the stake center, would only take an hour and a half away from "you" but would allow them a valuable opportunity.  I do not refer to the opportunity to sing in the choir, because they will still be able to participate in the performance next Sunday night.  What I wish I could communicate to you is the value this activity plays in bringing the two of them closer.  Although it was only an hour long rehearsal last Sunday, it was something that the two bigger kids got to do together.  Jason looks up to Hattie so much, and seldom do they truly get a chance to bond, just the two of them.  They both came home giddy, even excited, over the experience they had had.  Jason was still singing and the two of them were still discussing the "arrangement" of the songs the next morning.

I resent the implication that I put them into activities "just to take time from their Dad."  That accusation is ludicrous.  I allow them to participate in activities that are wholesome, fun, and good for them.  If I prevented them those opportunities based on your unwillingness to cooperate, I am sure I would be accused of something else.  Instead, I bend over backwards to protect them, support them, and love them every minute of every day.  I try to provide for their emotional well-being even though I am unable to provide for them financially.  I am eternally grateful to my Heavenly Father and to my parents for providing for them and me where we both have fallen short.

I am through fighting.  I will continue to attempt to communicate with you, as an adult.  I will continue to ask for your assistance in supporting our children's participation in a wide variety of activities.  Some of them will happen on your time.  You will continue to have the right to refuse them those opportunities.

I believe that telling the children that "it is their choice" to participate in these activities "but it means less time with Dad" is manipulative.  It is unhealthy.  In time they will see for themselves the sick mind games you are playing.  Whether or not you are willing to admit it, those types of statements encourage feelings of guilt in a child, as though it is a choice between a parent and an activity.  They will never want to hurt you that way.  They will always choose you when you make that the choice.

Both Jason and Hattie are now seeing the same therapist, and it has been really good for their relationship.  They often have portions of sessions together to work out the conflicts between them.  Of course they still fight - they are siblings - but I have seen a marked improvement in their attempts to care for each other as well.

I have never and will never prevent them from developing their relationships with you.  I know, better than many, how important parental-child relationships are to healthy relationships later in life.  I will continue to offer opportunities for you to support them.  I pray some day you begin putting their needs above your own.  This situation is difficult enough for them as it stands.

As always,
Amber