HIS RESPONSE TO ME:
I in no way was saying you deliberately put the kids in activities so
that I would have less time. Instead of staying and discussing and
seeking clarification you run off and misunderstand the point and
coming to an understanding of what is trying to be communicated. In
our agreement we are to discuss with the other parent activities that
might impact the others time with the children. I am very sensitive to
the time I have with them and might be selfish with that time. So when
I get an email telling me what the kids schedule is and where they
need to be planned by you and not consulting with me if your
commitments that you made for the kids is ok. I would not have a
problem with them having to come home early on Sunday if you would
have respected me and asked me before getting the kids involved with
other plans than what I may have. this month I wont have them as much
due to the vacation schedule I lose a weekend and my time with them is
valuable to me. To you its "not reasonable" for me to have them for an
extended amount of time. I am grateful for the time you do allow. So I
will take it when I can get it.
You misunderstood why Carolyn didn't want you to sit by her and you
say you never did anything to her but you did do things to her. You
feel because you have certain "truths" that you can express them
freely that's fine you will do and say what you want in you public
forum but you don't know her and never did but you presumed to know
her and wrote about her and as a result of your writings as incorrect
as they are and were brought on threats to her by your subscribers.
She was never cross to you and was there for you when you needed help.
So to her face you are wanting to get along and behind her back you
support and antagonize negative attention towards her. Im sure if the
roles were reversed you would not want her to sit by you. In the
assembly situation and in future situations we would and will be able
to sit together with the kids as end-caps us on one side you on the
other and the kids. We don't take every opportunity to tell all the
truth in my life being married to you although it would shine a light
as to why I am where I am I don't tell friends or perfect strangers
for that matter. I have been confronted by people who I don't even
know and you only just met who presume to know who I am because they
met you at a party or through the kids you bore your soul to. I don't
share my past with you and I too have the potential to defame you or
paint you in a negative light by "my truth".
In attempts to "bring peace to your family" you and Bill can talk to
as many church officials as you can but I have been sustained and will
continue to be sustained. I have from day one always been honest with
all my leaders and never ran or tried to hide my sins till I got
caught and now all it looks like is you seeking revenge not peace.
I do not hold a grudge nor do I share any negative experience with
anyone because I respect you as the mother of our children. Carolyn
and I in no way try or intend on replacing you or will ever paint you
in a negative light to them we express our love for them as parents
and will continue to do so.
As always,
Rick
MY RESPONSE TO HIM:
I have asked you to sit with me with a professional or church leader of
your choice so that we can clear up all of these things. You have
refused. I am uncomfortable "communicating" or "discussing" with you
alone because you always lie about the interaction after the fact.
Every single time. If we had a neutral party present then they would be
able to verify what was actually said by both of us.
You actually DID say that I put the kids into activities just so you do
not have time with them. I walked away (pleasantly, not running or
yelling) when you began to make those accusations and raise your voice
during the "discussion." In your email you assume that staying would
have involved "clarifications" but I know from experience that it would
have only created additional tension and accelerated the fight. I chose
to walk away and allow you to focus your energy on spending time with
our kids.
The email I sent on Monday was explaining the activities they have been
invited to and the complicated schedule. It was intended to HELP YOU,
not to hurt you. Soccer AND choir are activities you have agreed to
ahead of time. I did not schedule the birthday parties OR the Christmas
choir rehearsal. I allowed them to participate in the choir on my
weekends and gave you the opportunity to allow them to participate or
not. I didn't expect you to allow them to go, but when Hattie said you
TOLD HER she could make the choice between it and you, she and I
together came up with what we thought would be a solution. Asking the
children to "choose you" is blatant manipulation. Let them go or
don't. Just please stop telling them it is their choice between you and
their activities.
My email was intended to sincerely communicate to you the reasons why I
find this particular activity important for the kids. I am sorry I did
not ask you first. Each interaction I have with you "communicating"
becomes increasingly irrational and filled with lies. I do not know how
to have a discussion with someone like that.
You asked to have them for a week, during school time. I said I didn't
think it was reasonable. Let me explain why I do not find it to be
reasonable.
1. Every time the children come home from visits with you, the two
babies both have diaper rashes. Every time. The visit over
Thanksgiving was less than two days and Janey came home with such a
terrible "boo boo butt" that it took a full week to clear it up. Then
the visit the following Wednesday you had them for three hours and you
didn't change either of the babies diapers, even one time. I have
mentioned to you the issue of diaper rash before and you accused me of
being "petty," but I believe that between the two of you, you should be
able to prevent these things. I change their diapers all on my own. I
do not have help, and I have never had their bottoms look so raw.
2. The children do not have reasonable bedtimes when they are with
you. They stay up all night watching movies or playing video games.
Those things are fine for weekends when they do not have school, but on
school nights I am concerned about their well being. They are often
tired on days even when they get to bed on time. Taking the chance that
they wouldn't get enough sleep, especially going into the holiday, is a
big risk with which I am not comfortable. Lack of sleep after your
weekends makes them more grumpy, more likely to fight with each other,
and more likely to get sick. These are all things I have experienced.
3. Every time the children come home they are filled with strange lies
you have told them. You believe you are just "telling the truth" but in
reality you are confusing them with things that are inappropriate to
share with children, even a ten-year-old. Examples would be that
Carolyn wishes she were there mother, that God brought you and Carolyn
together (while you are still married???? What God does that?????), and
details about your plans to wed (and go to the temple in a year? That
sounds familiar!) one another. The kids do not need to be involved in
those conversations. It is not appropriate.
As for Carolyn. All I know of her is what I have experienced from her,
and from you. She did help me out that one time. Let's not forget that
she was living with my husband at the time. I do not see her actions as
a woman devoted to Heavenly Father in any way. She moved herself and
her daughter across the country to be with a man who was married to
someone else, and whose wife was pregnant with their SIXTH child. If
you respect the sanctity of marriage, especially a temple marriage, stay
in Indiana until the marriage is over. Instead, she chose to come out
and get directly in between us. You say it was already over. That's
fine. It doesn't make those choices right in any way. And she has NOT
been nice to me in person. She has been bitchy to me on many, many
occasions. She makes snippy, snotty and snide remarks to me whenever
she has the opportunity, even in as brief interaction as dropping off
and picking up.
You are not the man I thought I married. You have not treated me with
one iota of respect during the entire separation. You have reminded me
of all of my mistakes, faults, flaws, and the ways I have hurt you, but
not once have you recognized the many many ways I have been hurt. I
have apologized to you, recognized my wrongs, and begged for
forgiveness. You say you have forgiven me, but still treat me like I am
trash. I admit I have made mistakes. According to you, you have not
made any mistakes. You "are sustained." That is such a joke. All I
have communicated to others is the facts. You began your relationship
with her the very day after we separated. You lied about it from day
one. To me, to the kids, to Fritter, to your parents. You have not
been honest from day one with anyone. You know that, but you feel like
you can continue to lie now and make it all okay. It's not okay.
It sounds as though you are saying I tried to hide my sins until I got
caught. Another lie. I NEVER GOT CAUGHT. I came to you, in tears,
sincerely confessing, and asking to give eternity a chance. You were
shocked and devastated, and you had every right to be. I will have to
live with the consequences of how I hurt you forever. However, your
decision to rewrite the story after the fact does not change the truth.
It just makes you a liar.
I have told you over and over that I would love to hear your truth. You
refuse. I can only believe that is because you know that your truth is
filled with lies. Our marriage was not perfect or happy for either of
us, but it could have been repaired. Instead, you decided to scrap
everything and start over. That is your right. I just wish I wasn't
alone in my desire to do the best thing for our children.
If you truly respect me, then please start treating me with respect. I
do not respect you as a man or a father. I used to, but your actions
and choices since our separation have created our new relationship.
You continue to prove yourself lacking, making every decision in your
life to benefit you (and your new family) and not them.
I respect you as the only father my children will have.
I will respect you beyond that when you become worthy of respect.
Thank you,
Amber
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