"And it shall come to pass...that the Lord shall give thee rest from thy sorrow, and from thy fear, and from the hard bondage wherein though wast made to serve"
Kind of bummed out tonight, but I liked this one. It will get better. And really, He does give me rest. They just keep rearing their ugly little heads...
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
via text message
I have been debating whether or not to post this, but I am feeling so destroyed that I want to release it from my soul... And I am reaching out.
After a stressful and emotionally charged interaction yesterday I finally wrote this:
"Every time I read that you are not convinced, I WANT to try to convince you. I can't convince u. You admit I've changed but r afraid it's not forever. I respect that! But you are choosing your new relationship over your family. We could do this but you'd have to let her go. I'm sorry. That's best for the kids and eternity." 3:32pm
And then I wrote:
"I never saw your hurt. I was too wrapped up in me. Not until September. Then I felt it all. Sorry." 3:35pm
And received:
"You are right" 3:39pm
And then:
"I should of stayed with [HER] 10 years ago but instead I chose you too bad for eternity and you and the kids do your best to save the kids from my corrupt life choices" 3:44pm
My response:
"You just said it all. Too bad. You chose me. What u "want" now doesn't matter. You aren't righting a wrong. You are destroying eternity. Thank you for finally admitting it." 3:51pm
"And 6 kids." 3:53pm
Rick -
"Now will u leave me alone" 3:54pm
After a stressful and emotionally charged interaction yesterday I finally wrote this:
"Every time I read that you are not convinced, I WANT to try to convince you. I can't convince u. You admit I've changed but r afraid it's not forever. I respect that! But you are choosing your new relationship over your family. We could do this but you'd have to let her go. I'm sorry. That's best for the kids and eternity." 3:32pm
And then I wrote:
"I never saw your hurt. I was too wrapped up in me. Not until September. Then I felt it all. Sorry." 3:35pm
And received:
"You are right" 3:39pm
And then:
"I should of stayed with [HER] 10 years ago but instead I chose you too bad for eternity and you and the kids do your best to save the kids from my corrupt life choices" 3:44pm
My response:
"You just said it all. Too bad. You chose me. What u "want" now doesn't matter. You aren't righting a wrong. You are destroying eternity. Thank you for finally admitting it." 3:51pm
"And 6 kids." 3:53pm
Rick -
"Now will u leave me alone" 3:54pm
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Jason
Today, my second child (my oldest son) turned 7 years old.
Jason Lloyd Thomson was named after the missionary who baptized me (Jason Sterzer) and Rick's Grandpa Lloyd. He was born 3 days after we moved into our Menifee house. I can hardly remember back when I had only a 2 1/2 year old and a newborn. I do remember painting the entire downstairs 4 different colors during that first few months. He was an easy newborn, and I only had one other child!!
The pregnancy was tumultuous to say the least. No foster children, but we lived in 3 different homes before we were finally able to habitate the Menifee house. Originally, when I found out I was pregnant, we were living with Rick's Aunt Wauneta. It was challenging, but we were fortunate that she was being so generous, allowing us to stay there and save our money for the house. After about 6 months, we began to get on each others nerves a little too much. And Aunt Wauneta struggled with having a 2 year old around. We moved into my brother's house in Corona. After a month, we found a cheap apartment to rent (also in Corona) until our house was built. We lived there for about a month and a half before we were able to move. And 3 days later, I went into labor. It was the first child we had where we traveled from Menifee to Orange County for the birth. Fortunately I went into labor in the middle of the night - traffic wasn't an issue.
Jason was 9 lb 2 oz - a big baby, especially after Hattie who was only 6 lb 12 oz! My mom and my friend Amy were in the delivery room with me and Rick. I remember hearing my mom say "You just gave birth to a three month old baby!" as soon as he came out. The doctor kind of stumbled back to catch him.
He was a good baby - so so fat, but he quickly became Mommy's Favorite. Now he is a sweet, smart little boy who adores his baby brother Parker and helps his mother a great deal. He can be a challenge to manage emotionally (lots of whining, and oh! what a temper!) but he is getting better and better each week. We are so proud of him in school. From homeschooling we knew that Jason was very confident and proactive academically. He was always quick to get to work and completed his assignments without (too much) arguing. He likes to please, and has an innate pride in accomplishment. When he entered first grade at the public school, his teacher took to him immediately. She noticed that he excelled and began assessing his skills. Finally, she spoke to me and to the principal about possibly moving Jason into 2nd grade. I wasn't concerned about him physically or academically, just emotionally, but in the end we decided that it would be better for him to be "average" in a higher grade than for him to be too advanced in his current grade. Mrs. Bannon was a great teacher, willing to do the extra work to make sure Jason was being challenged, but what would happen when he got into 3rd, 4th, 5th...? If he was bored, he might start to misbehave... So we decided to put him ahead into 2nd grade. And he has done great! Socially he struggles a little bit, but he is learning and growing and finding friends. I am so proud of him. Academically he has no trouble at all and he is even learning multiplication already!
He is good at doing his chores (vacuuming, taking out the trash) and has taken to Parker (his "Mini Me") like none of the other kids have. I am so proud of my handsome boy. I love him so much and am proud to be his Mommy.
Jason Lloyd Thomson was named after the missionary who baptized me (Jason Sterzer) and Rick's Grandpa Lloyd. He was born 3 days after we moved into our Menifee house. I can hardly remember back when I had only a 2 1/2 year old and a newborn. I do remember painting the entire downstairs 4 different colors during that first few months. He was an easy newborn, and I only had one other child!!
The pregnancy was tumultuous to say the least. No foster children, but we lived in 3 different homes before we were finally able to habitate the Menifee house. Originally, when I found out I was pregnant, we were living with Rick's Aunt Wauneta. It was challenging, but we were fortunate that she was being so generous, allowing us to stay there and save our money for the house. After about 6 months, we began to get on each others nerves a little too much. And Aunt Wauneta struggled with having a 2 year old around. We moved into my brother's house in Corona. After a month, we found a cheap apartment to rent (also in Corona) until our house was built. We lived there for about a month and a half before we were able to move. And 3 days later, I went into labor. It was the first child we had where we traveled from Menifee to Orange County for the birth. Fortunately I went into labor in the middle of the night - traffic wasn't an issue.
Jason was 9 lb 2 oz - a big baby, especially after Hattie who was only 6 lb 12 oz! My mom and my friend Amy were in the delivery room with me and Rick. I remember hearing my mom say "You just gave birth to a three month old baby!" as soon as he came out. The doctor kind of stumbled back to catch him.
He was a good baby - so so fat, but he quickly became Mommy's Favorite. Now he is a sweet, smart little boy who adores his baby brother Parker and helps his mother a great deal. He can be a challenge to manage emotionally (lots of whining, and oh! what a temper!) but he is getting better and better each week. We are so proud of him in school. From homeschooling we knew that Jason was very confident and proactive academically. He was always quick to get to work and completed his assignments without (too much) arguing. He likes to please, and has an innate pride in accomplishment. When he entered first grade at the public school, his teacher took to him immediately. She noticed that he excelled and began assessing his skills. Finally, she spoke to me and to the principal about possibly moving Jason into 2nd grade. I wasn't concerned about him physically or academically, just emotionally, but in the end we decided that it would be better for him to be "average" in a higher grade than for him to be too advanced in his current grade. Mrs. Bannon was a great teacher, willing to do the extra work to make sure Jason was being challenged, but what would happen when he got into 3rd, 4th, 5th...? If he was bored, he might start to misbehave... So we decided to put him ahead into 2nd grade. And he has done great! Socially he struggles a little bit, but he is learning and growing and finding friends. I am so proud of him. Academically he has no trouble at all and he is even learning multiplication already!
He is good at doing his chores (vacuuming, taking out the trash) and has taken to Parker (his "Mini Me") like none of the other kids have. I am so proud of my handsome boy. I love him so much and am proud to be his Mommy.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Perfectly Flawed
I could probably write every single day that having 6 kids is SUCH a challenge! Haha. Not that I'm feeling sorry for myself. I love these kids so much. Even the rough days are good. At least once they are in bed. :)
Church was amazing again today. I love Sundays. It is tough having the children in Sacrament meeting, but I have gotten so much help and support from the ward. Today, one of the Sisters met us in the parking lot. I was changing Jane's diaper in the van (Oh no! Get the wipes! Quick!) and putting on her tights and shoes. Parker was screaming non-stop. Hattie was sitting and reading, and Breanna was still missing a shoe. She asked if I needed help. I never really know how to respond. I mean, I guess the answer to that is always yes. The fact is, I always think - "If I don't have help, I will just have to figure it out. So, no, I don't need the help." I can't really think for myself in those moments, so I was grateful when she just decided to bring the boys into the building with her. With that big van (and now with 11am church) we have to park WAY at the back of the parking lot. It is a long walk in (and out, incidentally.) As I was putting Parker into his wrap, I saw them entering through the first set of doors into the building. Grateful, I certainly was, that she had taken them. The girls, and Parker, and I made our way to the building through the cold. Finally entering Sacrament meeting, I couldn't see my boys. A friend let me know where they were. We walked past them to find our seats, and Hattie wanted to stop and stay with the family with whom the boys were sitting. Three kids down. The other three and I made our way to our normal seats with the Stryker girls. They had brought crayons and coloring books. It seems that they have taken my family on as a calling of their own. So sweet and such an awesome help to me. Breanna immediately took to the coloring. So I just had Parker (in the wrap) and Janey (climbing on me) to contend with... Jane vascillated between the young women and me. Somehow, it was still challenging, but it was definitely not as stressful as it may have otherwise been.
I was able to listen to the speakers and could truly appreciate the messages imparted. Particularly, the second speaker, who spoke of his experience as a single father (of three) who eventually joined the church and married a single mother (of five), really inspired me. I cried. Today was already hard as I struggled with renewed thoughts of the wrongs I have committed and the hurt I have caused. I intensely feel the possibility that perhaps I have hurt him too much for him to give me another try. The only difficulty with that idea I now have is that he's not staying on the right path, not setting a righteous example for our children. I could respect his choice if it were coming from a sincere place of truth. Unfortunately, I know that it cannot be... I felt emotional today, questioning myself, wondering if I even deserve the intact family I desire. I asked my Bishop for a Priesthood blessing.
The Blessing was just what I needed. I was given reassurance that I need to trust myself and my ability to feel and follow the Spirit. Heavenly Father encouraged me to continue to strengthen my Faith, to communicate with Him (sincerely and readily) and trust in God. Trust in God. He knows me; He knows our struggles; He knows our hearts. He has a Plan. I will be the spiritual leader for this family, and God will bless me with that strength. He assured me of that today. I need to keep the Spiritual Well full on my own. Lately I've been relying on Sundays too much.
I'm grateful, so very grateful, for the support I've gotten from so many sources. Members of the Church, Facebook Friends, and readers of this blog have all offered support in varied ways. It keeps me going.
I will never be perfect. Never be a perfect person, a perfect wife, or a perfect mother. But I KNOW that I don't have to be. I know that being me is going to be enough. Eventually.
Church was amazing again today. I love Sundays. It is tough having the children in Sacrament meeting, but I have gotten so much help and support from the ward. Today, one of the Sisters met us in the parking lot. I was changing Jane's diaper in the van (Oh no! Get the wipes! Quick!) and putting on her tights and shoes. Parker was screaming non-stop. Hattie was sitting and reading, and Breanna was still missing a shoe. She asked if I needed help. I never really know how to respond. I mean, I guess the answer to that is always yes. The fact is, I always think - "If I don't have help, I will just have to figure it out. So, no, I don't need the help." I can't really think for myself in those moments, so I was grateful when she just decided to bring the boys into the building with her. With that big van (and now with 11am church) we have to park WAY at the back of the parking lot. It is a long walk in (and out, incidentally.) As I was putting Parker into his wrap, I saw them entering through the first set of doors into the building. Grateful, I certainly was, that she had taken them. The girls, and Parker, and I made our way to the building through the cold. Finally entering Sacrament meeting, I couldn't see my boys. A friend let me know where they were. We walked past them to find our seats, and Hattie wanted to stop and stay with the family with whom the boys were sitting. Three kids down. The other three and I made our way to our normal seats with the Stryker girls. They had brought crayons and coloring books. It seems that they have taken my family on as a calling of their own. So sweet and such an awesome help to me. Breanna immediately took to the coloring. So I just had Parker (in the wrap) and Janey (climbing on me) to contend with... Jane vascillated between the young women and me. Somehow, it was still challenging, but it was definitely not as stressful as it may have otherwise been.
I was able to listen to the speakers and could truly appreciate the messages imparted. Particularly, the second speaker, who spoke of his experience as a single father (of three) who eventually joined the church and married a single mother (of five), really inspired me. I cried. Today was already hard as I struggled with renewed thoughts of the wrongs I have committed and the hurt I have caused. I intensely feel the possibility that perhaps I have hurt him too much for him to give me another try. The only difficulty with that idea I now have is that he's not staying on the right path, not setting a righteous example for our children. I could respect his choice if it were coming from a sincere place of truth. Unfortunately, I know that it cannot be... I felt emotional today, questioning myself, wondering if I even deserve the intact family I desire. I asked my Bishop for a Priesthood blessing.
The Blessing was just what I needed. I was given reassurance that I need to trust myself and my ability to feel and follow the Spirit. Heavenly Father encouraged me to continue to strengthen my Faith, to communicate with Him (sincerely and readily) and trust in God. Trust in God. He knows me; He knows our struggles; He knows our hearts. He has a Plan. I will be the spiritual leader for this family, and God will bless me with that strength. He assured me of that today. I need to keep the Spiritual Well full on my own. Lately I've been relying on Sundays too much.
I'm grateful, so very grateful, for the support I've gotten from so many sources. Members of the Church, Facebook Friends, and readers of this blog have all offered support in varied ways. It keeps me going.
I will never be perfect. Never be a perfect person, a perfect wife, or a perfect mother. But I KNOW that I don't have to be. I know that being me is going to be enough. Eventually.
Friday, March 18, 2011
My life.
What a long week, and I'm headed into a long weekend. Parents are out of town until Tuesday so I'm on my own. I mean, I am normally on my own, technically, but it sure is nice to have the moral and emotional support around.
Tired from lack of sleep (these kids do NOT sleep!) but at least I can let Janey cry it out for the next few nights (since Papa and Grandma are not here) and that will help.
We had a nice night tonight with Papa Kurt and Grandma Patti. Brief, but nice. And now, they are mostly in bed. Baby is still up and Hattie is still out. (She has "road show" practice, and I am suddenly flashing forward to her teenage years when she is out all night...) So I have a peaceful moment until she comes home and we get to fight about whether or not she takes a shower (she WILL!) and if she goes straight to bed after (she WILL!) This is my life.
Busy weekend ahead as we head out to Menifee tomorrow to visit with friends. I am so excited to catch up with my Lauralina and for the kids to play with their friends. Hattie misses Menifee and has asked about Cassidy many, many times. I look forward to our visit. And I'll be swinging by our favorite store Winco to get some orange honey for my mommy. Haha. This is my life. I love it.
Dramatic and stressful morning transitioned (surprisingly) into peace and cooperation in the evening. A new level. A hate this. Absolutely hate it. But I'm surviving it. With a lot of help and support. The children and I will continue to survive. And thrive.
Tired from lack of sleep (these kids do NOT sleep!) but at least I can let Janey cry it out for the next few nights (since Papa and Grandma are not here) and that will help.
We had a nice night tonight with Papa Kurt and Grandma Patti. Brief, but nice. And now, they are mostly in bed. Baby is still up and Hattie is still out. (She has "road show" practice, and I am suddenly flashing forward to her teenage years when she is out all night...) So I have a peaceful moment until she comes home and we get to fight about whether or not she takes a shower (she WILL!) and if she goes straight to bed after (she WILL!) This is my life.
Busy weekend ahead as we head out to Menifee tomorrow to visit with friends. I am so excited to catch up with my Lauralina and for the kids to play with their friends. Hattie misses Menifee and has asked about Cassidy many, many times. I look forward to our visit. And I'll be swinging by our favorite store Winco to get some orange honey for my mommy. Haha. This is my life. I love it.
Dramatic and stressful morning transitioned (surprisingly) into peace and cooperation in the evening. A new level. A hate this. Absolutely hate it. But I'm surviving it. With a lot of help and support. The children and I will continue to survive. And thrive.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Another great Sunday
I have grown so much spiritually in the past few months that (as I have mentioned previously) I now appreciate Sundays a lot more than ever. Church has truly become an opportunity to experience spiritual renewal and preparation for the coming week. As I walked to the van this afternoon, I reflected on how grateful I felt for the chance to be "filled" each and every Sunday.
Our Ward conference today was amazing.
The theme was Phillipeans 4:8-9 "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you."
We heard from our Bishop and our Stake President on the subject. It was inspiring. It gave me such comfort to be edified and supported by the Spirit on my current path. I am grateful. I had gone to church today feeling uncertain and weak. I left feeling so full of the Spirit, so sure that I am absolutely living the life I am supposed to live today. So very grateful.
Now the kiddos are home and in bed, asleep. I get to sign up Derek for Kindergarten tomorrow morning (Yay!) Then 2 babies getting shots on Tuesday (ick!) Jason's basketball game on Wednesday... Another fun week as mother of six. Keep me in your prayers, people!! ;)
Our Ward conference today was amazing.
The theme was Phillipeans 4:8-9 "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you."
We heard from our Bishop and our Stake President on the subject. It was inspiring. It gave me such comfort to be edified and supported by the Spirit on my current path. I am grateful. I had gone to church today feeling uncertain and weak. I left feeling so full of the Spirit, so sure that I am absolutely living the life I am supposed to live today. So very grateful.
Now the kiddos are home and in bed, asleep. I get to sign up Derek for Kindergarten tomorrow morning (Yay!) Then 2 babies getting shots on Tuesday (ick!) Jason's basketball game on Wednesday... Another fun week as mother of six. Keep me in your prayers, people!! ;)
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Blame
I want to fix this. And I hate that he won't give us the chance. So I feel like someone has to be to blame. I blame myself for what I did. When that doesn't work, I blame him for what he's doing. But that doesn't work either. It doesn't matter how much I change, how much I have changed, how much I want things to change, he isn't going to change. He would rather move forward with her than try to make anything work with me. It hurts and it sucks. Just accept it.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Music. (For Charisse)
Everyone I have ever met has been surprised to learn this fact about me, but, I love country music. Not for dancing, but for listening. I love the stories, the sillies, the sentiment. I think country music can make up the soundtrack to your life better than any other type of music. It inspires me. I started listening to country music when I was in high school. For some reason, a bunch of the kids in my school (and around) started going country dancing at the "Neon Cactus" a bar/lounge at the Disneyland Hotel. They had a country band play there (I think it was 3 nights a week) and they'd do line dancing lessons from 8 til 9 and they'd play music after. Of course if you were under age, they would kick you out at 10, so as far as we were concerned it was lessons from 8-9 and dancing from 9-10. It was kind of a nice, wholesome (mostly) activity for a bunch of high school kids. Most of the kids I went with grew out of the "country music phase" but I never have. Still prefer it to any other. I do enjoy a good dance tune, and I like to dance in general, but mostly I prefer my dance music to be from the 90's (when I was frequenting bars and clubs) and 80s (when I actually listened to pop music more regularly)...
I love karaoke, love to sing, although my voice is kind of hit or miss. I will sing most any type of music (as long as I am fairly familiar with the song) but I can never guarantee the quality, and I always prefer country. I like attention; I like to perform. A detriment to my marriage, maybe, but not necessarily a fault.
I do not play a single musical instrument. I did, however, learn how to play one half of "Heart and Souls" on the piano when I was very young and never forgot it. Thanks to Claudia, the girl who lived across the street. I think. I'm not sure. That's just how I remember it. I would love for my kids to learn piano, but I long for one of them to play the violin. It is my favorite instrument. But, overall, I'm really not into the MUSIC so much as the lyrics of the songs, which is why country music will always have my heart.
Soundtrack of My Life:
I love karaoke, love to sing, although my voice is kind of hit or miss. I will sing most any type of music (as long as I am fairly familiar with the song) but I can never guarantee the quality, and I always prefer country. I like attention; I like to perform. A detriment to my marriage, maybe, but not necessarily a fault.
I do not play a single musical instrument. I did, however, learn how to play one half of "Heart and Souls" on the piano when I was very young and never forgot it. Thanks to Claudia, the girl who lived across the street. I think. I'm not sure. That's just how I remember it. I would love for my kids to learn piano, but I long for one of them to play the violin. It is my favorite instrument. But, overall, I'm really not into the MUSIC so much as the lyrics of the songs, which is why country music will always have my heart.
Soundtrack of My Life:
Daily Word of Wisdom (from FB)
“I return to the Prophet Joseph’s words: ‘Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, and keeping all the commandments of God.’ Let us walk these clearly defined paths. To help us do so we can follow the shortest sermon in the world. It is found on a common traffic sign. It says, ‘Keep right.’”
Thomas S. Monson, Ensign, Oct 1993, 2
Thomas S. Monson, Ensign, Oct 1993, 2
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Struggle/Control
Ah, my friend. I have a very hard time letting things go. Okay, maybe letting go of "control"... except it isn't really letting go when I DON'T HAVE CONTROL IN THE FIRST PLACE, is it? So, letting go of TRYING to have control... Am I getting closer to the truth yet?
I have a very good therapist. Except he HAS started poking at the raw spots, making me "uncomfortable" to get past my weaknesses (emotional blocks?). Frustrating! Rick and I had been to many different therapists and never have I made the progress I am making now. I don't know if I should credit my counselor or myself. It could be that I am finally in a place where I can start to get through this stuff. Maybe being "with" Rick, I just wanted to continue to keep up appearances, and now I am actually free to make changes. And we all know change is scary. Boy, is change scary. Although I have to credit my guy at least a little bit. He sure knows how to keep me in line...
I don't know how to give up, on my marriage and my family and I don't know how NOT TO give up. Sometimes I am angry at Heavenly Father for leading me down this path, showing me the "right way" and insisting that I take it. And because I know that is what I MUST do, I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I have to actively work at it, constantly. When I really just need to let it go. Stop trying to force it. Hardest thing in the world to do. But then, what if I put it in a different way... Maybe all I need to do is... Have faith? Trust God? HE has made known unto me what HE forsees. He has given me this vision, this testimony of my eternal family. Is my faith insufficient? I hope not.
Patience has never been my strong suit. I do much better with some sort of distraction. But "distractions" are never a good idea with me. Sigh.
Most of the time, I honestly wish I didn't love my husband. Wish I didn't have hope or desire for our family. Wish I could be in that selfish and ignorant bliss where I spent so much time. That would be easier. Being selfish always feels easier, happier, but doing the right thing feels better. In the long run. And righteous living is the means to true love and happiness like no other. Righteous living. I'm sorry it took me so long to find this place. I wish we had found it together.
I have a very good therapist. Except he HAS started poking at the raw spots, making me "uncomfortable" to get past my weaknesses (emotional blocks?). Frustrating! Rick and I had been to many different therapists and never have I made the progress I am making now. I don't know if I should credit my counselor or myself. It could be that I am finally in a place where I can start to get through this stuff. Maybe being "with" Rick, I just wanted to continue to keep up appearances, and now I am actually free to make changes. And we all know change is scary. Boy, is change scary. Although I have to credit my guy at least a little bit. He sure knows how to keep me in line...
I don't know how to give up, on my marriage and my family and I don't know how NOT TO give up. Sometimes I am angry at Heavenly Father for leading me down this path, showing me the "right way" and insisting that I take it. And because I know that is what I MUST do, I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I have to actively work at it, constantly. When I really just need to let it go. Stop trying to force it. Hardest thing in the world to do. But then, what if I put it in a different way... Maybe all I need to do is... Have faith? Trust God? HE has made known unto me what HE forsees. He has given me this vision, this testimony of my eternal family. Is my faith insufficient? I hope not.
Patience has never been my strong suit. I do much better with some sort of distraction. But "distractions" are never a good idea with me. Sigh.
Most of the time, I honestly wish I didn't love my husband. Wish I didn't have hope or desire for our family. Wish I could be in that selfish and ignorant bliss where I spent so much time. That would be easier. Being selfish always feels easier, happier, but doing the right thing feels better. In the long run. And righteous living is the means to true love and happiness like no other. Righteous living. I'm sorry it took me so long to find this place. I wish we had found it together.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Finishing Proverbs
LOVE THIS!
Proverbs 31:30-31
"Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates."
Proverbs 31:30-31
"Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates."
Monday, March 7, 2011
Dancing with the Pig
My mom is constantly telling me to "Stop dancing with the pig... It just pisses the pig off and makes you look stupid!" Why do I keep trying to dance with the pig? I cannot make the pig dance!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
From my journal. 10/02/2010
8:41am Just before the Saturday Morning Session of General Conference.
"So many distinct impressions as I prepare for Conference. I can't wait until it starts. I've never been so excited. :-)
I've realized that God knows what this family needs. If he doesn't allow Rick to return to us it is because HE (Rick) doesn't deserve US. HE isn't worthy of this eternal family. God will allow him to return when he has properly humbled himself, repented, recognized the hurt HE has now caused. If he does not come back, it is because God is protecting US from HIM. And God has another path prepared for us."
This was back in October. I could never have forseen what was coming, and yet, here we are. Trust your inspired impressions, thoughts, etc. people! God is sooo GOOD. He loves us. He wants us to be strong, be happy, be whole. He gave me the answers early, but I kept going back. I kept trying, kept allowing myself to get sucked in. But this day, one week after my heart had changed, I KNEW the truth. I knew.
"So many distinct impressions as I prepare for Conference. I can't wait until it starts. I've never been so excited. :-)
I've realized that God knows what this family needs. If he doesn't allow Rick to return to us it is because HE (Rick) doesn't deserve US. HE isn't worthy of this eternal family. God will allow him to return when he has properly humbled himself, repented, recognized the hurt HE has now caused. If he does not come back, it is because God is protecting US from HIM. And God has another path prepared for us."
This was back in October. I could never have forseen what was coming, and yet, here we are. Trust your inspired impressions, thoughts, etc. people! God is sooo GOOD. He loves us. He wants us to be strong, be happy, be whole. He gave me the answers early, but I kept going back. I kept trying, kept allowing myself to get sucked in. But this day, one week after my heart had changed, I KNEW the truth. I knew.
Right and Wrong
I have wasted a lot of time, texts, and energy trying to show (convince?) Rick of the right and the wrong in this situation. Over and over telling him I understand how he's feeling, I forgive him, begging for forgiveness myself. I am sorry for my actions, but his actions are destroying our family now. Why can't I accept that he just doesn't care. He doesn't care about me. He doesn't care about right and wrong. Funny part is that I can totally accept that he doesn't care about me. I do not know how to accept that he doesn't care about what is right or wrong in this situation.
My husband, as long as I have known him, was the guy who always, ALWAYS did the "right thing" - or at least completely UNDERSTOOD the right thing to do in any given situation. He honored Priesthood, his AND other people's. He BELIEVED in the doctrine of the church. I am incapable of wrapping my mind around the concept that this is the same guy I married. Obviously he isn't. But still... I married the guy who did the right thing! And now... he has a girlfriend while he's still married to me. He has completely involved her in my children's lives, to the extent that she is sleeping over there each night with the kids now. Really? Did he forget we are Mormon?
I would NEVER have imagined being in this position. I always thought, ALWAYS BELIEVED that my husband was LITERALLY a better person than me. I thought he was stronger spiritually. I thought he was nicer. I thought he was GOOD, down to the core. It is devastating to realize how completely wrong I was. I am the one who is supposed to be living with some other guy before we are divorced. He is the one who is supposed to be fighting for his family, clinging to eternity. I am not sure how to even comprehend the role reversal here. Really.
Turns out, I am the strong one. Who knew? Oh wait, strong in general? I think that part I knew. But spiritually, I had forsaken the church years ago. And as recent as a week before my change of heart I was telling myself there was "no way" I would ever believe my affair was "wrong", no way I would wait until divorce to date, no way I would wait for marriage to have sex again. Seriously. One week. And a week later, I had a new heart. And five months later, I still have it. I know that I can and will live righteously. I know that living righteously is the only path to true happiness - for myself and my children. I pray my example will be strong enough to overcome the damage he is doing, the damage he has already done, the example he is setting. I pray they will not internalize the statements he is making, through his actions, about VALUES AND MORALITY. I still pray, every day, that he will come to his senses, repent, choose his eternal family once again. But that dream is beginning to drift further and further away. Also makes me sad. And hopeful. My future will be blessed, regardless.
My husband, as long as I have known him, was the guy who always, ALWAYS did the "right thing" - or at least completely UNDERSTOOD the right thing to do in any given situation. He honored Priesthood, his AND other people's. He BELIEVED in the doctrine of the church. I am incapable of wrapping my mind around the concept that this is the same guy I married. Obviously he isn't. But still... I married the guy who did the right thing! And now... he has a girlfriend while he's still married to me. He has completely involved her in my children's lives, to the extent that she is sleeping over there each night with the kids now. Really? Did he forget we are Mormon?
I would NEVER have imagined being in this position. I always thought, ALWAYS BELIEVED that my husband was LITERALLY a better person than me. I thought he was stronger spiritually. I thought he was nicer. I thought he was GOOD, down to the core. It is devastating to realize how completely wrong I was. I am the one who is supposed to be living with some other guy before we are divorced. He is the one who is supposed to be fighting for his family, clinging to eternity. I am not sure how to even comprehend the role reversal here. Really.
Turns out, I am the strong one. Who knew? Oh wait, strong in general? I think that part I knew. But spiritually, I had forsaken the church years ago. And as recent as a week before my change of heart I was telling myself there was "no way" I would ever believe my affair was "wrong", no way I would wait until divorce to date, no way I would wait for marriage to have sex again. Seriously. One week. And a week later, I had a new heart. And five months later, I still have it. I know that I can and will live righteously. I know that living righteously is the only path to true happiness - for myself and my children. I pray my example will be strong enough to overcome the damage he is doing, the damage he has already done, the example he is setting. I pray they will not internalize the statements he is making, through his actions, about VALUES AND MORALITY. I still pray, every day, that he will come to his senses, repent, choose his eternal family once again. But that dream is beginning to drift further and further away. Also makes me sad. And hopeful. My future will be blessed, regardless.
Kids today; +/-
Some days with 6 kids are just longer than other days with 6 six kids. Seriously. This morning was OFF THE WALL getting ready for church. Then we made it to church (a little late) but LOVE those Stryker girls for coming and sitting with us. Made for a MUCH more mellow sacrament meeting than normal. Mom got to pay attention to testimonies (at least until I had to take Janey out) and our zoo was way less of a distraction than your typical Sunday. I did my usual unloading to my Bishop, went to Relief Society, gathered the children, and headed home. The walk to the car was somehow exceptionally long. Parker was CRYING, Janey was uncooperative, and I was carrying two heavy bags. Hattie told me she would help me "if we went to In n Out for dinner tomorrow." OMG. I could have smacked her. Jason, of course, ran ahead to the van so that he could lock everyone out before we all got there. So much for "in your seats, seatbelts on" before I get all of the way there. Ugh. Children. Finally Hattie agreed to carry Parker, and we hobbled the rest of the way out there (to the locked car, haha.) This pretty much set up the rest of the afternoon. And now I'm just not in the mood to go into it, but, trust me, it was loud and exhausting. But I'm not in the mood for rehashing it as I sit in silence here. Parker is sleeping (probably not for long) so I want to enjoy the peace for a bit. Just kidding. Had to go change Janey's diaper. Hope that is not indicative of what the rest of our night will be like. I'd like to get a little bit of sleep at least. Just a little. I'm a little short on sleep. And patience.
This afternoon, (after Papa and Grandma and the rest of us, but mostly Papa and Grandma worked really really hard pumping up the "earth ball" for them to play in) I was watching, through the window, the kids play together as I fed Parker. They were having so much fun running and jumping on each other, on the ball, in the ball. I could only see glimpses from my vantage point, but a couple of times I spied Breanna preparing to take a running leap onto the other kids. She looked so grown up. She'll only be 4 in May, but they still grow so fast. And I listened to them giggling and screaming (from the distance, thank goodness) and felt such love and joy for my family. They are amazing kids. I love them so very much.
Despite the difficulty, and stress, and frustration, I am certain of one thing - I am blessed. I am blessed with a loving and supportive family (namely my parents, Grandma and Papa) who have literally turned their lives upside down to facilitate us. I am blessed with a loving and supportive ward who never judge me, always love me, always show care and concern for me and my family. And I am especially blessed with six incredible children. I cannot believe that my husband is willing to let this go. This life. It is amazing. This decision on his part is his loss. Without question. Is it hard on me, YES! Hard on my parents, YES! But in the big picture, the eternal perspective, I am getting the blessings; I get to experience them every day. Rick has never even heard his newborn son cry. And Mr. Cranky Pants was crying ALL DAY today. But I was able to appreciate it in a new way because listening to a newborn cry uncontrollably is a rite of passage in parenthood. We've done it with every child we've ever had. Knowing their cries, feeling their pain. It's part of the job description. He will never experience it. How sad, really. How pathetically sad for him.
This afternoon, (after Papa and Grandma and the rest of us, but mostly Papa and Grandma worked really really hard pumping up the "earth ball" for them to play in) I was watching, through the window, the kids play together as I fed Parker. They were having so much fun running and jumping on each other, on the ball, in the ball. I could only see glimpses from my vantage point, but a couple of times I spied Breanna preparing to take a running leap onto the other kids. She looked so grown up. She'll only be 4 in May, but they still grow so fast. And I listened to them giggling and screaming (from the distance, thank goodness) and felt such love and joy for my family. They are amazing kids. I love them so very much.
Despite the difficulty, and stress, and frustration, I am certain of one thing - I am blessed. I am blessed with a loving and supportive family (namely my parents, Grandma and Papa) who have literally turned their lives upside down to facilitate us. I am blessed with a loving and supportive ward who never judge me, always love me, always show care and concern for me and my family. And I am especially blessed with six incredible children. I cannot believe that my husband is willing to let this go. This life. It is amazing. This decision on his part is his loss. Without question. Is it hard on me, YES! Hard on my parents, YES! But in the big picture, the eternal perspective, I am getting the blessings; I get to experience them every day. Rick has never even heard his newborn son cry. And Mr. Cranky Pants was crying ALL DAY today. But I was able to appreciate it in a new way because listening to a newborn cry uncontrollably is a rite of passage in parenthood. We've done it with every child we've ever had. Knowing their cries, feeling their pain. It's part of the job description. He will never experience it. How sad, really. How pathetically sad for him.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Proverbs 22
19:21
That thy trust may be in the Lord, I have made known to thee this day, even to thee. Have not I written to thee excellent things in counsels and knowledge, That I might make thee know the certainty of the words of truth; that thou mightest answer the words of truth to them that send unto thee?
That thy trust may be in the Lord, I have made known to thee this day, even to thee. Have not I written to thee excellent things in counsels and knowledge, That I might make thee know the certainty of the words of truth; that thou mightest answer the words of truth to them that send unto thee?
Friday, March 4, 2011
Proverbs
20:11
Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right.
21:2
Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the Lord pondereth the hearts.
21:16
The man that wandereth out of the way of understanding shall remain in the congregation of the dead.
23:9
Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words.
Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right.
21:2
Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the Lord pondereth the hearts.
21:16
The man that wandereth out of the way of understanding shall remain in the congregation of the dead.
23:9
Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)