Not Perfection

This wonderful, relaxing, productive week has given me such a great opportunity to reflect and revitalize.  I feel such peace about the divorce and about letting Rick go.  I honestly don't feel like I am missing much since I have such a complete understanding of how less-than-perfect (or happy) our relationship/marriage was.  I also have learned so much about the many, many, many things I did wrong making such a rash and sudden decision to marry a man I did not know.  It was/is a romantic concept, and I can completely empathize with my young (23yo) self at the time, but life is much different through 35yo eyes.  Plus I have SIX amazing children to consider in any decision for my future.  Would Brian make a great stepfather?  Of course.  He is an amazing man who loves me and my children.  Is it the right time for me to make that decision?  HECK NO!  There is so much more to consider, and so much more to accomplish before jumping ahead to that point.  And least of all, it would be totally financially irresponsible of me.

However, I am happy.  Happy with Brian, not because of him.  I love my children, love myself, love my future.

Drew's here! Time to go to Costco!

Christmas

We had another great Christmas where my awesome kids got completely spoiled.  The church facilitated a great deal of presents for us, which "Santa" wrapped and brought over (via my sister-in-law, Trina!!) So, so, so grateful for the help I received in providing this Christmas for my children this year.  I would have never been about to pull it off (much less afford it!) without the contributions of so many others!

After Christmas with the babies (at 10:30am) I packed them up, drove over to pick up Brian and Ramon, and then headed out to Hemet.  I had to drop the children off at Rick's at noon, and I was super proud to pull into their driveway before 12:10.  I offered to give him the rest of the breastmilk I had collected so that he could feed it to Parker, but he refused.  I was actually feeling fine about everything until that moment.  It took me a bit to get over the anger and resentment about that decision.  Eventually I was fine.

After Hemet, we headed to Moreno Valley and visited with our friend David and his mom.  We spent the rest of the day there.  I was acting like a complete lunatic since the kids had woken me up at 4:30am and then I was giddy from dropping them off with their Dad for a week.  I think it came across as a weird combination of obnoxious and abusive, but luckily I took a quick nap during the movie (Sherlock Holmes! Very Good!)  Then we stopped by a store to get fixings for dinner (Thanks for cooking, Ramon!) and headed back to David's for more socializing.  Brian's brother, Adam, and sister-in-law Cherish showed up just in time for dinner - with the most delicious brussel sprouts you've ever seen - and we all ate and talked and played games until late.  I felt like an adult.  It was so nice!

Lazy day Monday followed by Spa Day on Tuesday with the sisters-in-law.  Glen Ivy Facials, hitting the jacuzzi, and eating at Island's made for such a great relaxing day.  Not to mention all of the "girl talk."  Thankful they are still willing to listen to my ranting.  At least the conversation was split evenly between how great Brian is and what an idiot Rick is. Very satisfying, overall.

Wednesday, Brian and I got some chores done and then spent about five hours at Knott's Berry Farm.  It was great!  We got to ride the big rides and watch "Gift of the Magi" together.  Afterwards we headed back here, and while I was folding clothes in front of the TV, Brian chose to use that two hours making a serious dent on the the clutter in my bedroom.  The mess is noticeably contained!

Today, I met a friend for lunch.  When I got home, I spent the rest of the evening taking down the fake tree (this process cannot be understood or fully appreciated unless you have seen the tree apart) with my mom.  And blogging, finally, probably enough to last another week.

Tomorrow, I have to finish my chores (cleaning the room!) and go see my therapist.  Hoping I get to meet Sarah for lunch again.  It's been a good week.

Progress

Ah, to learn is to grow.  I continue to learn more and more about my marriage, my life, myself, and I continue to grow into the person I was meant to be.  Boy did I make a lot of mistakes, but I am so glad I have the chance to learn from them and correct them and become better for them.

God is so good.

Catching up.

It has been so long.  Sorry everyone, I can hardly believe it's been almost two weeks already without any updates.  They've been a LONG two weeks.  I had the kids the last three weekends before Christmas, and that final week they were all out of school.  It's been even more of a chaotic zoo than normal.  Of course, now, they are off with their Dad and his new wife and step-daughter (haha) until New Years Day.  I get to sleep (and breathe) and catch up around here.

December 18, 2011

On Sunday December 18, I was already starting to show signs of wear.  The kids and I had mostly gotten sick with terrible colds, and the non-stop six-kid-apalooza was getting increasingly overwhelming.  No, I am not complaining, just explaining.  We went to church (Brian and his boys even went with us, which was nice) and came home.  After we ate, I made a point to make sure the TV was not turned on, and the children began to play.  It took me about an hour to get Parker down for his nap, but the kids had started a very complex "Sleepover/Chuck E. Cheese" game which eventually made it's way from the downstairs to their rooms upstairs.  All five of the children played and played together for THREE HOURS straight with almost no fighting.  The brief shrieks I heard quickly dissipated.  I was as proud as a mother could be.  I even tried letting them all "sleep-over" in one room, but then loud cries and physical violence between siblings ended the massive love-fest.  We can't win them all.  I hate trying to write about it after the fact, but I wanted to share such a wonderful and profound memory.  It filled my heart.  <3

Ahole update

I notified Rick two weeks ago that conferences were this week.  I told him that my conferences were on Thursday (yesterday) and that he is welcome to set up his own conferences with each of their teachers directly.  No response.  And no contact to the schools.

#winner

Parent Teacher Conferences

Oh my goodness.  My kids are BRILLIANT.  I am so proud of them.  It is wonderful to meet with their teachers and have all of their positive attributes being reiterated to you!  I am such a proud proud mommy right now.

Hattie is in 5th grade.  Her teacher, Mrs. Young, is amazing.  Sometimes well-experienced teachers are burnt out, but this woman is full of teaching.  She is constantly teaching the kids something valuable and useful.  Hattie is always telling me "Mrs. Young says...." with some amazing tidbit that will help her in her life.  I LOVE it.  In class, Hattie is helpful and kind, even though she still talks to her neighbors a little too much.  She loves to read (her Accelerated Reader goal has been quadrupled at this point) and her writing is improving dramatically (homeschooling third grade did not help her writing skills progress much!)  She needs to work on math facts (a little time-consuming for her) and proofreading her writing.  Yay!

Jason is my 7 year old third grader.  If you haven't already heard (I only say it every OTHER day) he skipped first grade.  Ms. Parker didn't even know he was the youngest kid in her class!  He got Student of the Month in November, and she said he was an "EASY PICK."  Not only is he one of the smartest kids in class (he loves learning, loves a challenge) he is also respected by his peers.  He was voted Classroom Rep for the Student Council and does a great job of attending the meetings and reporting the happenings to the entire class.  She said he is a "leader."

Derek is only in Kindergarten, but we can already tell he has a quick mind.  He is excited to learn to read (he's getting those sight words memorized!) and is very popular among the kids.  He is one who will never have trouble making friends.  Her notes on his report card actually said he is a "wonderful little boy."  How can you resist that sweet face, even if he is oblivious at times?  We need to be reading more and Mom needs to be more diligent about making sure his homework gets done each week.  Grateful for teachers who are patient with ME.

All of their teachers got our Christmas Card this year, and everyone made comments about our adorable family.  How cute we are!  I didn't know you had so many kids!  I hadn't realized you are a single mom!  It was a great opportunity to let them in on some of the REALITY the kids are facing here at home.  Sometimes it helps for the teachers to know that life is hard.  Nice part is they wouldn't have guessed.  We are doing our job! 

Days like yesterday are what  this life is all about.  I love my life, love my job, LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids.  Grateful for the family and friends who fill me with love and support so that I can get through each day.  So very grateful.  :-)

Full Night's Sleep

Better today.  Not so weepy.  Parent teacher conferences later.  Yahoooo!

It still hurts.  It is going to hurt.  That has to be okay too.

Waves

The emotion hits me in waves.  I am so angry.  So so very angry.  Today has been a rough day, and I burst into tears the minute that the kids left with their Dad.  I wonder how I can even feel anything any more.  How can this still hurt me??  How does he feel NOTHING at the loss of our family??  I am finding myself to be repeatedly destroyed by the feelings.

I hate his self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude.  Heavenly Father BROKE ME DOWN.  Talk about a broken heart and a contrite spirit.  Oh my goodness.  And I have pretty much poured all that suffering into this blog.  Repentance brings a very special kind of truth and understanding.  I seriously had never experienced it before.

So, it makes me angry that he refuses to accept responsibility for his own actions.  Angers me more that he has justified all of his actions, rationalized all of his behavior - INCLUDING refusing to pay child support until the Dept of Child Support Services starts taking the money out of his check.  His arrears are well up over $18,000 now.  Yes, I think people should know.  Know exactly who this guy is.  What a "great" father he is.

My problem is accepting that he will NEVER recognize what he has done.  I am willing to take all the blame.  I just don't know how to believe he will NEVER see the truth.  I believed in him.  He has proven himself to be someone else entirely, but that is literally a break in sanity.  How do I give up on the idea that he might actually one day realize how crazy this all is??

So, so very angry.

Surges of Anger

I am not finished being angry.  I wish I was.  I wish I could put all of these FEELINGS behind me and move on.  I'm just not there yet.  I don't like feelings.  It's what makes me such a great alcoholic.  I will use all sorts of things to distract me from feeling things.  Namely, attention from men.  But I digress into the problem with my marriage again.

I am angry.  His actions continue to affect me through the children.  Eternal consequences are but slight solace right now.

Get over it.

These may be the three most annoying words you could ever say to a divorced (or divorcing) person.  That and "let it go."  Seriously, people, we were married for 12 years!  We have 6 children.  Yes, he is an ass.  Yes, he is an idiot.  Yes, he has proven to me beyond any shadow of any doubt that I do not want to be married to this person, but GEEEEEZ, give me a break!

I cannot imagine getting married and not having my children present.  I cannot imagine it.  Who does that??  I cannot imagine marrying a man who would even CONSIDER excluding his own children.  What the heck.  I may be lacking in sanity, but I will NEVER understand that kind of crazy.

I'm worried about my children.

Powerless.  Acceptance.  Ugh.

D R A M A

When Rick asked me to take the kids all week, I told him I didn't think that it was reasonable for him to have them that long, but that he could take them overnight on Wednesday since there was already a "dinner" visit planned.  When he dropped them off Sunday, I asked if he was planning to pick them up from school Wednesday and he said "Sure."

This morning I texted Rick three times.
First, at about 7:30 letting him know that I was keeping Hattie home sick, Paco and Jane are also sick, and I was going to try to get the three of them into the doctor.
A short time after that, I let him know that Jason and Breanna both have cold sores.  I also let him know their schedule - pickups today - D and B @ noon, then the babies and Hattie from the house, then Jason @1:40.  Drop offs tomorrow - J (&H) @ 7:40, D @ 7:55, B @ 8:30.  Let me know when you plan to drop off the babies.
After we visited the Dr office, I let him know that Hattie is on prednisone for the next 5 days, Paco has an ear infection and needs to take amoxicillan for the next 10 days and Janey has a cold.  I asked "See you at 12:20?"

I went to the pharmacy to pick up the prescriptions, when I returned to the car (and my phone) I got a phone message saying that he wasn't picking them up from school and that he wrote an email. I checked my email.  This is what I received...

Date:

Wed, Dec 7, 2011 10:51 am

---

Thank you for letting me k.ow how the kids are doing. Unfortunately
because I am staying at Julies and they come home tomorrow I cannot
take them there will not be enough time to disinfect the house and
both julie and even more Carl have very low immune systems. I don't
want to run the risk of them getting sick too. if I could drop off
dinner from the chicken pie shop.

as I have said before I do not read texts on my phone so please call
or email. I have been reading the ones you send but it ends up going
over the limit.

thank you
Rick

I called him back to clarify that he was not planning on taking any of the kids for any period of time, because three of them are sick.  The conversation was difficult to say the least.  He finally said - "I'll get them at 5!"  Here is my "follow-up" email.

Date:

Wed, Dec 7, 2011 12:12 pm

---

To reiterate and respond to our phone conversation...

I believe I made it clear in my messages that I was still comfortable with you taking all six of them. They have colds. Hattie's made her asthma act up; Parker's gave him an ear infection. If you need to make alternate arrangements, that is the information you should communicate to me. Your problems are not my problems. If you would like to have the extra time, it is your job to modify the arrangement we've made. If you want them only 5 to 8, tell me you're taking them 5 to 8. If you only want the well kids, tell me you're taking the well kids. It is YOUR CHOICE. I let you know the situation, you are the one changing the plan - the reasons DO NOT MATTER to me.

The kids were expecting you to pick up. They were very disappointed.

Thanks,
Amber

Nothing is ever simple.  Nothing is ever easy.  Everything is my fault.  Seriously, who ARE you??

Breakdown

I don't know how to hold it together today.  I am suddenly empty.  I am devastated by everything.  Please pray for me.  Seeing her taking his name.  They are married.  I didn't realize my heart was capable of breaking this badly.  And he is so mean.  So so mean to me.

I want to throw up.  I want to cry.  I want to scream.  I don't want to do this anymore.

I have removed anyone with any connection to Rick from my blog and from my Facebook.  I hope it means things will be more peaceful.  I hope it will bring me peace.

Marriage

I had originally thought, when I heard of Rick's wedding, that they had gone to the County and done it quickly and under the radar.  This certainly would have explained their decision to exclude the children from the ceremony.  Last night, I learned differently.

The wedding took place at the home of Carolyn's Aunt.  It is the home where my children have slept many many nights.  The Aunt was NOT at home, and the kids have not seen her in months.  She was out of town.  They were just using her house.  They invited the missionaries, and two friends with their families.  They did not even offer the chance of attending to my children.

The wedding was on Thursday.  Rick had the kids with him on Wednesday and on Friday.  He purposefully and specifically excluded the children from attending the wedding ceremony with Carolyn.

Then, they didn't even tell the kids when they arrived on Friday.  They found out via Norah, in the car, whispering "Mommy and Daddy got married on the day before today!"

My daughter is so hurt.  She can't even talk to him about how she feels.  I am livid.

Judging

Foolishly, in my hurt & anger, I texted the wife of one of Rick's friends - the family they visited with this weekend. The response I got included the sentences "I am sad you feel that way." "It is a difficult situation." and "I strive not to judge." 

1. You obviously don't care and have never cared how I feel. 

2. It is difficult for me, my children, and her child. Not for you, your family, him or her.

3. You did judge. You now only strive not to judge Rick.

I shouldn't let other people's lack of virtue cut me so deeply.

 And yes, I judge you.  All of you who have chosen to support him.  I find it sickening.  I can admit it.

Interesting.

Someone went back and read an old blog post of mine from Dec. 31, 2009.  It inspired me to go read it too. 

http://amberandthekids.blogspot.com/2009/12/new-year.html?zx=fbff4bbf8a862976

This was before my indiscretions happened.  Before the "Relationship" started.  This is where my marriage, my family was.  Sure does put things into perspective.

:-(

Sunday Evening

Kids should be home in ten minutes and I have so much to say.

First of all, Rick and Carolyn got married on Thursday night.  How nice for them.  It was two weeks after our divorce was final.  Sounds very familiar since Rick and I were married two weeks after we started dating.  Whatever.  As my brother says - "at least now they are allowed to f..."  Sorry for the crudity, any sensitive Mormons out there...  It is what it is.

My recent posts have shown the interaction I have had with an idiot recently.  Speaks for itself, I think.

Great day at church today.  Strong spirit, strong testimonies, lots of crying (from me.)  Long day, great day.  I am barely holding it together, but I am holding it together.

Finally, if you scroll down to Rick's email to me, you will notice a weird reference to my "subscribers" making threats to Carolyn.  I must admit that I am strangely curious who out there has taken it upon themselves to make threats upon my ex-husband's new wife.  Are you willing to reveal yourself?  There is honestly no one on my list who I could actually see brandishing that sword, but I would certainly love to know!!  And thank you, for the gesture, but really, it is unnecessary.  I am a big girl; I put on my big girl pants this morning; I will be okay.

Now that that is taken care of.  I am down to 3 minutes and counting before I see my adorable and amazing babies.  Time to get ready for the storm!  :-)

More dances with a pig.

HIS RESPONSE TO ME: 

I in no way was saying you deliberately put the kids in activities so
that I would have less time. Instead of staying and discussing and
seeking clarification you run off and misunderstand the point and
coming to an understanding of what is trying to be communicated. In
our agreement we are to discuss with the other parent activities that
might impact the others time with the children. I am very sensitive to
the time I have with them and might be selfish with that time. So when
I get an email telling me what the kids schedule is and where they
need to be planned by you and not consulting with me if your
commitments that you made for the kids is ok. I would not have a
problem with them having to come home early on Sunday if you would
have respected me and asked me before getting the kids involved with
other plans than what I may have. this month I wont have them as much
due to the vacation schedule I lose a weekend and my time with them is
valuable to me. To you its "not reasonable" for me to have them for an
extended amount of time. I am grateful for the time you do allow. So I
will take it when I can get it.

You misunderstood why Carolyn didn't want you to sit by her and you
say you never did anything to her but you did do things to her. You
feel because you have certain "truths" that you can express them
freely that's fine you will do and say what you want in you public
forum but you don't know her and never did but you presumed to know
her and wrote about her and as a result of your writings as incorrect
as they are and were brought on threats to her by your subscribers.
She was never cross to you and was there for you when you needed help.
So to her face you are wanting to get along and behind her back you
support and antagonize negative attention towards her. Im sure if the
roles were reversed you would not want her to sit by you. In the
assembly situation and in future situations we would and will be able
to sit together with the kids as end-caps us on one side you on the
other and the kids. We don't take every opportunity to tell all the
truth in my life being married to you although it would shine a light
as to why I am where I am I don't tell friends or perfect strangers
for that matter. I have been confronted by people who I don't even
know and you only just met who presume to know who I am because they
met you at a party or through the kids you bore your soul to. I don't
share my past with you and I too have the potential to defame you or
paint you in a negative light by "my truth".

In attempts to "bring peace to your family" you and Bill can talk to
as many church officials as you can but I have been sustained and will
continue to be sustained. I have from day one always been honest with
all my leaders and never ran or tried to hide my sins till I got
caught and now all it looks like is you seeking revenge not peace.

I do not hold a grudge nor do I share any negative experience with
anyone because I respect you as the mother of our children. Carolyn
and I in no way try or intend on replacing you or will ever paint you
in a negative light to them we express our love for them as parents
and will continue to do so.

As always,
Rick

MY RESPONSE TO HIM:

I have asked you to sit with me with a professional or church leader of 
your choice so that we can clear up all of these things.  You have 
refused.  I am uncomfortable "communicating" or "discussing" with you 
alone because you always lie about the interaction after the fact.  
Every single time.  If we had a neutral party present then they would be
 able to verify what was actually said by both of us.

You actually DID say that I put the kids into activities just so you do 
not have time with them.  I walked away (pleasantly, not running or 
yelling) when you began to make those accusations and raise your voice 
during the "discussion."  In your email you assume that staying would 
have involved "clarifications" but I know from experience that it would 
have only created additional tension and accelerated the fight. I chose 
to walk away and allow you to focus your energy on spending time with 
our kids.

The email I sent on Monday was explaining the activities they have been 
invited to and the complicated schedule.  It was intended to HELP YOU, 
not to hurt you.  Soccer AND choir are activities you have agreed to 
ahead of time.  I did not schedule the birthday parties OR the Christmas
 choir rehearsal.  I allowed them to participate in the choir on my 
weekends and gave you the opportunity to allow them to participate or 
not.  I didn't expect you to allow them to go, but when Hattie said you 
TOLD HER she could make the choice between it and you, she and I 
together came up with what we thought would be a solution.  Asking the 
children to "choose you" is blatant manipulation.  Let them go or 
don't.  Just please stop telling them it is their choice between you and
 their activities.

My email was intended to sincerely communicate to you the reasons why I 
find this particular activity important for the kids.  I am sorry I did 
not ask you first.  Each interaction I have with you "communicating" 
becomes increasingly irrational and filled with lies.  I do not know how
 to have a discussion with someone like that.  

You asked to have them for a week, during school time.  I said I didn't 
think it was reasonable.  Let me explain why I do not find it to be 
reasonable.  

1.  Every time the children come home from visits with you, the two 
babies both have diaper rashes.  Every time.  The visit over 
Thanksgiving was less than two days and Janey came home with such a 
terrible "boo boo butt" that it took a full week to clear it up.  Then 
the visit the following Wednesday you had them for three hours and you 
didn't change either of the babies diapers, even one time.  I have 
mentioned to you the issue of diaper rash before and you accused me of 
being "petty," but I believe that between the two of you, you should be 
able to prevent these things.  I change their diapers all on my own.  I 
do not have help, and I have never had their bottoms look so raw.  

2.  The children do not have reasonable bedtimes when they are with 
you.  They stay up all night watching movies or playing video games.  
Those things are fine for weekends when they do not have school, but on 
school nights I am concerned about their well being.  They are often 
tired on days even when they get to bed on time.  Taking the chance that
 they wouldn't get enough sleep, especially going into the holiday, is a
 big risk with which I am not comfortable.  Lack of sleep after your 
weekends makes them more grumpy, more likely to fight with each other, 
and more likely to get sick.  These are all things I have experienced.

3.  Every time the children come home they are filled with strange lies 
you have told them.  You believe you are just "telling the truth" but in
 reality you are confusing them with things that are inappropriate to 
share with children, even a ten-year-old.  Examples would be that 
Carolyn wishes she were there mother, that God brought you and Carolyn 
together (while you are still married????  What God does that?????), and
 details about your plans to wed (and go to the temple in a year? That 
sounds familiar!) one another.  The kids do not need to be involved in 
those conversations.  It is not appropriate.

As for Carolyn.  All I know of her is what I have experienced from her, 
and from you. She did help me out that one time.  Let's not forget that 
she was living with my husband at the time.  I do not see her actions as
 a woman devoted to Heavenly Father in any way.  She moved herself and 
her daughter across the country to be with a man who was married to 
someone else, and whose wife was pregnant with their SIXTH child.   If 
you respect the sanctity of marriage, especially a temple marriage, stay
 in Indiana until the marriage is over.  Instead, she chose to come out 
and get directly in between us.  You say it was already over.  That's 
fine.  It doesn't make those choices right in any way.  And she has NOT 
been nice to me in person.  She has been bitchy to me on many, many 
occasions.  She makes snippy, snotty and snide remarks to me whenever 
she has the opportunity, even in as brief interaction as dropping off 
and picking up.

You are not the man I thought I married.  You have not treated me with 
one iota of respect during the entire separation.  You have reminded me 
of all of my mistakes, faults, flaws, and the ways I have hurt you, but 
not once have you recognized the many many ways I have been hurt.  I 
have apologized to you, recognized my wrongs, and begged for 
forgiveness.  You say you have forgiven me, but still treat me like I am
 trash.  I admit I have made mistakes.  According to you, you have not 
made any mistakes.  You "are sustained."  That is such a joke.  All I 
have communicated to others is the facts.  You began your relationship 
with her the very day after we separated.  You lied about it from day 
one.  To me, to the kids, to Fritter, to your parents.  You have not 
been honest from day one with anyone.  You know that, but you feel like 
you can continue to lie now and make it all okay.  It's not okay.

It sounds as though you are saying I tried to hide my sins until I got 
caught.  Another lie.  I NEVER GOT CAUGHT.  I came to you, in tears, 
sincerely confessing, and asking to give eternity a chance.  You were 
shocked and devastated, and you had every right to be.  I will have to 
live with the consequences of how I hurt you forever.  However, your 
decision to rewrite the story after the fact does not change the truth. 
 It just makes you a liar.

I have told you over and over that I would love to hear your truth.  You
 refuse.  I can only believe that is because you know that your truth is
 filled with lies.  Our marriage was not perfect or happy for either of 
us, but it could have been repaired.  Instead, you decided to scrap 
everything and start over.  That is your right.  I just wish I wasn't 
alone in my desire to do the best thing for our children.

If you truly respect me, then please start treating me with respect.  I 
do not respect you as a man or a father.  I used to, but your actions 
and choices since our separation have created our new relationship.    
You continue to prove yourself lacking, making every decision in your 
life to benefit you (and your new family) and not them.

I respect you as the only father my children will have.  

I will respect you beyond that when you become worthy of respect.

Thank you,

Amber

Another waste of time.

(sent just now - 12:58am 12/03/2011)

Dear Rick,

I am very disappointed that you will not allow Hattie and Jason to attend their rehearsal for the Stake (Church) Christmas Choir on Sunday afternoon.  I had hoped that since I was dropping them off almost 4 hours early yesterday, it would make up for "your time" lost on Sunday.  A 4:30 rehearsal, at the stake center, would only take an hour and a half away from "you" but would allow them a valuable opportunity.  I do not refer to the opportunity to sing in the choir, because they will still be able to participate in the performance next Sunday night.  What I wish I could communicate to you is the value this activity plays in bringing the two of them closer.  Although it was only an hour long rehearsal last Sunday, it was something that the two bigger kids got to do together.  Jason looks up to Hattie so much, and seldom do they truly get a chance to bond, just the two of them.  They both came home giddy, even excited, over the experience they had had.  Jason was still singing and the two of them were still discussing the "arrangement" of the songs the next morning.

I resent the implication that I put them into activities "just to take time from their Dad."  That accusation is ludicrous.  I allow them to participate in activities that are wholesome, fun, and good for them.  If I prevented them those opportunities based on your unwillingness to cooperate, I am sure I would be accused of something else.  Instead, I bend over backwards to protect them, support them, and love them every minute of every day.  I try to provide for their emotional well-being even though I am unable to provide for them financially.  I am eternally grateful to my Heavenly Father and to my parents for providing for them and me where we both have fallen short.

I am through fighting.  I will continue to attempt to communicate with you, as an adult.  I will continue to ask for your assistance in supporting our children's participation in a wide variety of activities.  Some of them will happen on your time.  You will continue to have the right to refuse them those opportunities.

I believe that telling the children that "it is their choice" to participate in these activities "but it means less time with Dad" is manipulative.  It is unhealthy.  In time they will see for themselves the sick mind games you are playing.  Whether or not you are willing to admit it, those types of statements encourage feelings of guilt in a child, as though it is a choice between a parent and an activity.  They will never want to hurt you that way.  They will always choose you when you make that the choice.

Both Jason and Hattie are now seeing the same therapist, and it has been really good for their relationship.  They often have portions of sessions together to work out the conflicts between them.  Of course they still fight - they are siblings - but I have seen a marked improvement in their attempts to care for each other as well.

I have never and will never prevent them from developing their relationships with you.  I know, better than many, how important parental-child relationships are to healthy relationships later in life.  I will continue to offer opportunities for you to support them.  I pray some day you begin putting their needs above your own.  This situation is difficult enough for them as it stands.

As always,
Amber

Thursday. Grrr.

So frustrated that my ex-husband is telling the children he will be going to the temple in a year.  That then they will have a big reception.  Does anyone else think it's weird that they are MIRRORING our life?  Hello??  It didn't work the first time!!!  Why are you doing the SAME THING AGAIN??

And (big surprise) they think they want to live with him.  Oh well, tough luck.  They belong with their mother.