Happy Valentine'sDay!

What a day for reflection!  I woke up this morning in a weird mood (after a weird dream) but still content and happy with life.  I love waking up to six goofy kiddos!  They are my whole life.  As I showered, for some reason my thoughts turned to the past (trying to avoid that, I know, but bear with me...) and I remembered a significant argument I had with Rick.  It was after the confession and before the separation where we were kind of deciding if we could actually work things out.  He was realizing that I required much more than he was capable of giving, and he flat out told me he can't give me any more.  As I look back now, I put that conversation in the context of my contemplations on "anchoring" and I realized very clearly that we were squarely anchored to each other at that point.  I was trying to get "all my needs" met by him, and he was trying to be the "everything" to me that I was to him.  It is no wonder we were doomed.  It always makes me sad to have such clarity of what what wrong in my marriage.  It also makes me sad for my ex in his new relationship.  I hope that the two of them figure out how to set their anchors on Heavenly Father to guide their relationship.  I wrote an email to Rick this morning.  I expressed the thoughts I've put down here.  Maybe I shouldn't have, but I sometimes can't resist.

Once I got past all that, my thoughts returned to the present - to my children, to Brian.  I realized just how happy I am.  I am so grateful that I do not have to rely on anyone else for my peace or my happiness.  I am grateful that I have a sweet, supportive man who respects himself (and me) enough to stand up for what he thinks is right, and is humble enough to admit when he has made a mistake.  A mature relationship is a revelation for me.  I am not rushing.  It is strange, but I know that taking our time is the right thing to do.

We have no special plans for Valentine's Day.  I am hoping we will get to spend the evening together (probably putting children to bed) tonight, but I also know that I am okay either way.

I still love my husband.  I want happiness for him in his life, his marriage, his family.  I want what is best for our children, first and foremost, always.

I've pushed this as far as I can go, and now motherhood calls again.  Time to get Paco off the table and pick up the food off the floor...

<3