Checking Back In

It has been two weeks since my last blog post. A couple of you have contacted me, and I appreciate your concern, but I assure you that there is no sinister reason for my absence. I have had a lot on my mind, but haven't had the presence of mind to blog it all out, plus I have been SUPER BUSY caring for six kids. :)

Now that the kids are with Rick (except Paco, of course, since Rick does not take him - does not show any interest in taking him) until Wednesday for Spring Break, I am taking a few minutes to catch my breath and catch up.

I've been hesitant to blog about the "progress" of my divorce or the "status" of my marriage because I KNOW how much it bothers Rick. Whether or not he is actually reading, it seems he is somehow getting updated as I include him in my postings. He is very sensitive to it. My difficulty, however, is that his (REALLY REALLY BAD) choices continue to affect me and the children in increasingly hurtful and negative ways. Last week he told me that his weekends (from now on) would be for going to school and I am supposed to change the visitation agreement to accomodate his decision to start classes. Hmmm, he can make an arbitrary decision and expects me (and the kids) to just adjust to it. I'm sorry, that is not reasonable. I cannot wait until we stand before the judge. I wonder what he will say about all of the "decisions" Rick is making. I truly wonder. Does he realize he hasn't offered any support on behalf of his children in over 2 months? It's not enough that you care for them when they are with you. It just is not enough. Seriously.

My only other mention of Rick is that the children are becoming increasingly aware of his relationship. I have gotten feedback from uninvolved bystanders who have noticed the children having a visible reaction. They are aware that his relationship with her is inappropriate. They are ashamed. But there is nothing I can do. I am ashamed too. I am learning from my own mistakes and becoming so much stronger - emotionally, spiritually. It is taking a lot of time. I want it to happen over night. I want to get that awareness and be able to fix it all at once. What I am learning is that it takes time, it takes practice to change our patterns. It takes real and concerted effort to change our habits, our established behaviors and defense mechanisms. Being aware of my tendancies is the first step, now my job is to work hard to make crucial changes to the way I act. It is happening, I am continuing to change and improve.

I am grateful to God, my therapist, my parents, my extended family. I don't think I would be where I'm at without them all. I know I wouldn't. And without them, my future wouldn't look as bright as it does. Because it does look bright. My heart is true. My testimony is true. I am going to be just fine.