After many years of my distractions, crushes, wandering heart, desiring other men, developing feelings (real and imaginary), being heartbroken, I eventually had an affair. Each time I let myself get distracted, Rick was well aware of what I was going through and never left. Yes, we had therapy and different therapists and attempts to fix what was wrong, but never did we (I/they) get to the heart of the matter or solve the problem. Never was I truly remorseful or repentant, never did I commit to stopping. This experience has changed me. I see so clearly where I went wrong. In no way was Rick the perfect husband or father. If I had it to do over again, I would likely choose differently. But I definitely now know that I was very very wrong in my thoughts, feelings and actions. I did not have the love, devotion, commitment I should have had to my husband or my marriage. I was completely, entirely selfish. However, I am now committed to doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to fix this marriage, to save this family. I have changed. I continue to change. Regardless of the outcome of my marriage, I have become a better person and a better mother because of this. And I am still working on me. Every day, every week. Is it too little too late for my marriage and family? Rick would say yes. I say it doesn't have to be. He would say that he was 'trying' all of those years. I say that 'staying' isn't the same as 'trying'. He would say that he gave me "chances" to change. I wonder, is it really giving me a chance, when I haven't asked for it? When I haven't offered to change anything?? Right now, this time, is the only chance that matters. Right now, he's withholding. Not just withholding on me, but withholding on his children. Depriving them of the "chance" of their family being whole, of their parents learning to love each other, of the true eternal union of their family.
He is hurt, he is angry, he is scared to take the "risk" that I will hurt him again. All I want is the chance to show him how different this relationship can be. To love him, and God, and our children like none of us have ever experienced before.
1 comment:
It's a long road back, but if you both want it, you can make it happen. There is a lot of healing to do and that could take time. Don't worry about Rick right now. Do everything you can to get back on the right path, no matter how hard. Listen to you Church Leaders and follow their advise. If you are going in the right direction, others will see it and you will feel it and you will see the happiness in your children again. Hang in there.
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