It makes me so sad, dealing with you. I honestly do not know what I am supposed to be doing differently. I am giving you this divorce. I gave you the visitation you asked for. I give and give, but still it isn't enough. It will never be enough. When I try to be nice and cooperate with all of your "requests" you walk all over me and still accuse me of selfishness and manipulations. When I try to just stick to the agreement we've set down, I am also being selfish and manipulative. It doesn't matter how I attempt to deal with you, I am wrong.
You can blame me for the rest of our lives, but the truth is that I would STILL do anything to keep our family together. If you wanted to talk, I would listen. If you wanted to listen, I would tell you everything. If you wanted to try, I would do everything in my power to show you how much I believe in eternity. If you wanted to believe, we could do it.
I honestly do not understand how you can so persistently misinterpret my intentions. My only priority is our children, our family. Why would I be trying so hard if I was really all about ME? Why would I STILL want to convince you (after you've been SO CLEAR about your lack of desire) to TRY? What is in it for me??? It's not about me, Rick. And its not about you either.
I understand you are sick. My faith tells me you would be healed if you were keeping the commandments of God and living obediently and righteously. That doesn't mean being with me, just living right. I know you think I judge you, but I don't. I can admit I am angry, but I also know I still have love for you and wish you nothing but happiness. I sincerely wish you were happy.
I would be more than happy to address the truth with you. The truth about our (too quick) marriage, our (emotionally lacking) relationship, my (desperate, selfish, repeated) infidelity, and the hope I will always see for the future. Together or apart. You constantly deny your hurt and anger toward me, but your words and actions betray that denial. The hateful angry language I heard on Friday was not a man living in peace and truth of a confident testimony. I would be happy to bear mine to you, but I'm sure you will only hear the negativity you want to hear.
I don't know how to be any more sorry for what I've done and what we became. I have literally done and said everything I could possibly do or say to try to convince you. You would have to decide for yourself, and you will not. I have never prevented you from coming back. Somehow, I have not convinced you of my sincerity or the permanence of my change, but I have NEVER prevented reconciliation. I've asked you to try ever since we separated. I've been driven to fight for our family since September.
I would love if you could stop lying. You say you can't trust me with the truth. That doesn't make sense. The truth is what sets us free. I'm not sure how I could twist it - it is what it is. I have been very clear about the truth I have experienced.
You've decided you are finished with our marriage. You've decided to move on. Please own those decisions as YOURS and yours alone. My decisions would have been much different. Blame me in your mind and heart, but it just isn't true. I am still willing to work through this. I don't know how you interpret that statement maliciously, but it seems pretty clearly selfless to me. I can see only our eternal destiny. The destiny you continue to deny, and I am forced to tread a new path. I made mistakes, got confused and distracted, was WRONG (SO, SO WRONG) but I wasn't willing to give up on eternity. Not ever. I'm still not, even as I agree to divorce you.
I see you are afraid to trust me. I see you are still hurt and angry. I see how much I damaged you. It breaks my heart. I am not the woman you have described. I am not the wretch you see. I am human with flaws and weakness. I am doing my best to overcome. I understand so much more now. I am trying to honor my Heavenly Father by using my talents to build others up rather than to get what I want. I am not perfect. Our story is not black and white. When I tell people, I ALWAYS include the facts of my infidelity. Always. Those facts don't make me 100% to blame, though. We both played a role. We both continue to play a role. I believe the only way for us to overcome what we've created is with God and with professional therapeutic guidance.
Now I am just repeating myself. I guess I'm just waiting for a rational reason from you. You're focusing on the past when I know I am not capable of those things any more. I could show you if you'd let me.
Sorry to bother you. Good luck at the doctor's. Please tell the children I love and miss them. Oh so much!
As always,
Amber
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