I have to be the most emotional person I know. Not sure if it's the OTR or everything else, but I am going nuts over here. Although, I did make the mistake of reading through some old texts again. Boy do I suck. What an idiot!
In a lot of those early texts, Rick had some valid points that I just ignored. It wasn't how I truly felt, but I never addressed his feelings and his fears. I just didn't know how. The truth is that he probably would not have heard my concern or responses anyway, but my heart still aches wondering what I could have done differently early on to convince my husband to give our family another chance.
I see it's impossible now. He is gone. And awful. Literally blaming me for everything. For leaving, for not coming back, for living with her, for divorcing me, for not being divorced yet, for not paying child support (and literally spending that money on other things!) at all since February.
I am so hurt. I am so angry. Hurt and angry, hurt and angry. I have said those words to him so many times over the last few months in particular. I just want to do what is best for our children. Really, truly. I feel so powerless.
Crying is cathartic, but it always feels like stepping backward toward no solutions.
2 comments:
After catching up on your blog back a few posts, I am again so amazed at your ability to so perfectly capture your feelings with words, what a talent for writing! You have such an inspiring story, perhaps you should put together a short story for Deseret News, as I know many married & single mothers alike could learn from your perspective. Whatever your future holds for you & your children, I know you will maximize every opportunity to uplift & encourage them, others & hopefully yourself in the process, your happiness is so key in all of this! I like what you've said about how it's up to you to ensure you're fulfilled, that the only validation you need is from your brother Jesus Christ & Father in Heaven.
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