"And it shall come to pass...that the Lord shall give thee rest from thy sorrow, and from thy fear, and from the hard bondage wherein though wast made to serve"
Kind of bummed out tonight, but I liked this one. It will get better. And really, He does give me rest. They just keep rearing their ugly little heads...
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
via text message
I have been debating whether or not to post this, but I am feeling so destroyed that I want to release it from my soul... And I am reaching out.
After a stressful and emotionally charged interaction yesterday I finally wrote this:
"Every time I read that you are not convinced, I WANT to try to convince you. I can't convince u. You admit I've changed but r afraid it's not forever. I respect that! But you are choosing your new relationship over your family. We could do this but you'd have to let her go. I'm sorry. That's best for the kids and eternity." 3:32pm
And then I wrote:
"I never saw your hurt. I was too wrapped up in me. Not until September. Then I felt it all. Sorry." 3:35pm
And received:
"You are right" 3:39pm
And then:
"I should of stayed with [HER] 10 years ago but instead I chose you too bad for eternity and you and the kids do your best to save the kids from my corrupt life choices" 3:44pm
My response:
"You just said it all. Too bad. You chose me. What u "want" now doesn't matter. You aren't righting a wrong. You are destroying eternity. Thank you for finally admitting it." 3:51pm
"And 6 kids." 3:53pm
Rick -
"Now will u leave me alone" 3:54pm
After a stressful and emotionally charged interaction yesterday I finally wrote this:
"Every time I read that you are not convinced, I WANT to try to convince you. I can't convince u. You admit I've changed but r afraid it's not forever. I respect that! But you are choosing your new relationship over your family. We could do this but you'd have to let her go. I'm sorry. That's best for the kids and eternity." 3:32pm
And then I wrote:
"I never saw your hurt. I was too wrapped up in me. Not until September. Then I felt it all. Sorry." 3:35pm
And received:
"You are right" 3:39pm
And then:
"I should of stayed with [HER] 10 years ago but instead I chose you too bad for eternity and you and the kids do your best to save the kids from my corrupt life choices" 3:44pm
My response:
"You just said it all. Too bad. You chose me. What u "want" now doesn't matter. You aren't righting a wrong. You are destroying eternity. Thank you for finally admitting it." 3:51pm
"And 6 kids." 3:53pm
Rick -
"Now will u leave me alone" 3:54pm
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Jason
Today, my second child (my oldest son) turned 7 years old.
Jason Lloyd Thomson was named after the missionary who baptized me (Jason Sterzer) and Rick's Grandpa Lloyd. He was born 3 days after we moved into our Menifee house. I can hardly remember back when I had only a 2 1/2 year old and a newborn. I do remember painting the entire downstairs 4 different colors during that first few months. He was an easy newborn, and I only had one other child!!
The pregnancy was tumultuous to say the least. No foster children, but we lived in 3 different homes before we were finally able to habitate the Menifee house. Originally, when I found out I was pregnant, we were living with Rick's Aunt Wauneta. It was challenging, but we were fortunate that she was being so generous, allowing us to stay there and save our money for the house. After about 6 months, we began to get on each others nerves a little too much. And Aunt Wauneta struggled with having a 2 year old around. We moved into my brother's house in Corona. After a month, we found a cheap apartment to rent (also in Corona) until our house was built. We lived there for about a month and a half before we were able to move. And 3 days later, I went into labor. It was the first child we had where we traveled from Menifee to Orange County for the birth. Fortunately I went into labor in the middle of the night - traffic wasn't an issue.
Jason was 9 lb 2 oz - a big baby, especially after Hattie who was only 6 lb 12 oz! My mom and my friend Amy were in the delivery room with me and Rick. I remember hearing my mom say "You just gave birth to a three month old baby!" as soon as he came out. The doctor kind of stumbled back to catch him.
He was a good baby - so so fat, but he quickly became Mommy's Favorite. Now he is a sweet, smart little boy who adores his baby brother Parker and helps his mother a great deal. He can be a challenge to manage emotionally (lots of whining, and oh! what a temper!) but he is getting better and better each week. We are so proud of him in school. From homeschooling we knew that Jason was very confident and proactive academically. He was always quick to get to work and completed his assignments without (too much) arguing. He likes to please, and has an innate pride in accomplishment. When he entered first grade at the public school, his teacher took to him immediately. She noticed that he excelled and began assessing his skills. Finally, she spoke to me and to the principal about possibly moving Jason into 2nd grade. I wasn't concerned about him physically or academically, just emotionally, but in the end we decided that it would be better for him to be "average" in a higher grade than for him to be too advanced in his current grade. Mrs. Bannon was a great teacher, willing to do the extra work to make sure Jason was being challenged, but what would happen when he got into 3rd, 4th, 5th...? If he was bored, he might start to misbehave... So we decided to put him ahead into 2nd grade. And he has done great! Socially he struggles a little bit, but he is learning and growing and finding friends. I am so proud of him. Academically he has no trouble at all and he is even learning multiplication already!
He is good at doing his chores (vacuuming, taking out the trash) and has taken to Parker (his "Mini Me") like none of the other kids have. I am so proud of my handsome boy. I love him so much and am proud to be his Mommy.
Jason Lloyd Thomson was named after the missionary who baptized me (Jason Sterzer) and Rick's Grandpa Lloyd. He was born 3 days after we moved into our Menifee house. I can hardly remember back when I had only a 2 1/2 year old and a newborn. I do remember painting the entire downstairs 4 different colors during that first few months. He was an easy newborn, and I only had one other child!!
The pregnancy was tumultuous to say the least. No foster children, but we lived in 3 different homes before we were finally able to habitate the Menifee house. Originally, when I found out I was pregnant, we were living with Rick's Aunt Wauneta. It was challenging, but we were fortunate that she was being so generous, allowing us to stay there and save our money for the house. After about 6 months, we began to get on each others nerves a little too much. And Aunt Wauneta struggled with having a 2 year old around. We moved into my brother's house in Corona. After a month, we found a cheap apartment to rent (also in Corona) until our house was built. We lived there for about a month and a half before we were able to move. And 3 days later, I went into labor. It was the first child we had where we traveled from Menifee to Orange County for the birth. Fortunately I went into labor in the middle of the night - traffic wasn't an issue.
Jason was 9 lb 2 oz - a big baby, especially after Hattie who was only 6 lb 12 oz! My mom and my friend Amy were in the delivery room with me and Rick. I remember hearing my mom say "You just gave birth to a three month old baby!" as soon as he came out. The doctor kind of stumbled back to catch him.
He was a good baby - so so fat, but he quickly became Mommy's Favorite. Now he is a sweet, smart little boy who adores his baby brother Parker and helps his mother a great deal. He can be a challenge to manage emotionally (lots of whining, and oh! what a temper!) but he is getting better and better each week. We are so proud of him in school. From homeschooling we knew that Jason was very confident and proactive academically. He was always quick to get to work and completed his assignments without (too much) arguing. He likes to please, and has an innate pride in accomplishment. When he entered first grade at the public school, his teacher took to him immediately. She noticed that he excelled and began assessing his skills. Finally, she spoke to me and to the principal about possibly moving Jason into 2nd grade. I wasn't concerned about him physically or academically, just emotionally, but in the end we decided that it would be better for him to be "average" in a higher grade than for him to be too advanced in his current grade. Mrs. Bannon was a great teacher, willing to do the extra work to make sure Jason was being challenged, but what would happen when he got into 3rd, 4th, 5th...? If he was bored, he might start to misbehave... So we decided to put him ahead into 2nd grade. And he has done great! Socially he struggles a little bit, but he is learning and growing and finding friends. I am so proud of him. Academically he has no trouble at all and he is even learning multiplication already!
He is good at doing his chores (vacuuming, taking out the trash) and has taken to Parker (his "Mini Me") like none of the other kids have. I am so proud of my handsome boy. I love him so much and am proud to be his Mommy.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Perfectly Flawed
I could probably write every single day that having 6 kids is SUCH a challenge! Haha. Not that I'm feeling sorry for myself. I love these kids so much. Even the rough days are good. At least once they are in bed. :)
Church was amazing again today. I love Sundays. It is tough having the children in Sacrament meeting, but I have gotten so much help and support from the ward. Today, one of the Sisters met us in the parking lot. I was changing Jane's diaper in the van (Oh no! Get the wipes! Quick!) and putting on her tights and shoes. Parker was screaming non-stop. Hattie was sitting and reading, and Breanna was still missing a shoe. She asked if I needed help. I never really know how to respond. I mean, I guess the answer to that is always yes. The fact is, I always think - "If I don't have help, I will just have to figure it out. So, no, I don't need the help." I can't really think for myself in those moments, so I was grateful when she just decided to bring the boys into the building with her. With that big van (and now with 11am church) we have to park WAY at the back of the parking lot. It is a long walk in (and out, incidentally.) As I was putting Parker into his wrap, I saw them entering through the first set of doors into the building. Grateful, I certainly was, that she had taken them. The girls, and Parker, and I made our way to the building through the cold. Finally entering Sacrament meeting, I couldn't see my boys. A friend let me know where they were. We walked past them to find our seats, and Hattie wanted to stop and stay with the family with whom the boys were sitting. Three kids down. The other three and I made our way to our normal seats with the Stryker girls. They had brought crayons and coloring books. It seems that they have taken my family on as a calling of their own. So sweet and such an awesome help to me. Breanna immediately took to the coloring. So I just had Parker (in the wrap) and Janey (climbing on me) to contend with... Jane vascillated between the young women and me. Somehow, it was still challenging, but it was definitely not as stressful as it may have otherwise been.
I was able to listen to the speakers and could truly appreciate the messages imparted. Particularly, the second speaker, who spoke of his experience as a single father (of three) who eventually joined the church and married a single mother (of five), really inspired me. I cried. Today was already hard as I struggled with renewed thoughts of the wrongs I have committed and the hurt I have caused. I intensely feel the possibility that perhaps I have hurt him too much for him to give me another try. The only difficulty with that idea I now have is that he's not staying on the right path, not setting a righteous example for our children. I could respect his choice if it were coming from a sincere place of truth. Unfortunately, I know that it cannot be... I felt emotional today, questioning myself, wondering if I even deserve the intact family I desire. I asked my Bishop for a Priesthood blessing.
The Blessing was just what I needed. I was given reassurance that I need to trust myself and my ability to feel and follow the Spirit. Heavenly Father encouraged me to continue to strengthen my Faith, to communicate with Him (sincerely and readily) and trust in God. Trust in God. He knows me; He knows our struggles; He knows our hearts. He has a Plan. I will be the spiritual leader for this family, and God will bless me with that strength. He assured me of that today. I need to keep the Spiritual Well full on my own. Lately I've been relying on Sundays too much.
I'm grateful, so very grateful, for the support I've gotten from so many sources. Members of the Church, Facebook Friends, and readers of this blog have all offered support in varied ways. It keeps me going.
I will never be perfect. Never be a perfect person, a perfect wife, or a perfect mother. But I KNOW that I don't have to be. I know that being me is going to be enough. Eventually.
Church was amazing again today. I love Sundays. It is tough having the children in Sacrament meeting, but I have gotten so much help and support from the ward. Today, one of the Sisters met us in the parking lot. I was changing Jane's diaper in the van (Oh no! Get the wipes! Quick!) and putting on her tights and shoes. Parker was screaming non-stop. Hattie was sitting and reading, and Breanna was still missing a shoe. She asked if I needed help. I never really know how to respond. I mean, I guess the answer to that is always yes. The fact is, I always think - "If I don't have help, I will just have to figure it out. So, no, I don't need the help." I can't really think for myself in those moments, so I was grateful when she just decided to bring the boys into the building with her. With that big van (and now with 11am church) we have to park WAY at the back of the parking lot. It is a long walk in (and out, incidentally.) As I was putting Parker into his wrap, I saw them entering through the first set of doors into the building. Grateful, I certainly was, that she had taken them. The girls, and Parker, and I made our way to the building through the cold. Finally entering Sacrament meeting, I couldn't see my boys. A friend let me know where they were. We walked past them to find our seats, and Hattie wanted to stop and stay with the family with whom the boys were sitting. Three kids down. The other three and I made our way to our normal seats with the Stryker girls. They had brought crayons and coloring books. It seems that they have taken my family on as a calling of their own. So sweet and such an awesome help to me. Breanna immediately took to the coloring. So I just had Parker (in the wrap) and Janey (climbing on me) to contend with... Jane vascillated between the young women and me. Somehow, it was still challenging, but it was definitely not as stressful as it may have otherwise been.
I was able to listen to the speakers and could truly appreciate the messages imparted. Particularly, the second speaker, who spoke of his experience as a single father (of three) who eventually joined the church and married a single mother (of five), really inspired me. I cried. Today was already hard as I struggled with renewed thoughts of the wrongs I have committed and the hurt I have caused. I intensely feel the possibility that perhaps I have hurt him too much for him to give me another try. The only difficulty with that idea I now have is that he's not staying on the right path, not setting a righteous example for our children. I could respect his choice if it were coming from a sincere place of truth. Unfortunately, I know that it cannot be... I felt emotional today, questioning myself, wondering if I even deserve the intact family I desire. I asked my Bishop for a Priesthood blessing.
The Blessing was just what I needed. I was given reassurance that I need to trust myself and my ability to feel and follow the Spirit. Heavenly Father encouraged me to continue to strengthen my Faith, to communicate with Him (sincerely and readily) and trust in God. Trust in God. He knows me; He knows our struggles; He knows our hearts. He has a Plan. I will be the spiritual leader for this family, and God will bless me with that strength. He assured me of that today. I need to keep the Spiritual Well full on my own. Lately I've been relying on Sundays too much.
I'm grateful, so very grateful, for the support I've gotten from so many sources. Members of the Church, Facebook Friends, and readers of this blog have all offered support in varied ways. It keeps me going.
I will never be perfect. Never be a perfect person, a perfect wife, or a perfect mother. But I KNOW that I don't have to be. I know that being me is going to be enough. Eventually.
Friday, March 18, 2011
My life.
What a long week, and I'm headed into a long weekend. Parents are out of town until Tuesday so I'm on my own. I mean, I am normally on my own, technically, but it sure is nice to have the moral and emotional support around.
Tired from lack of sleep (these kids do NOT sleep!) but at least I can let Janey cry it out for the next few nights (since Papa and Grandma are not here) and that will help.
We had a nice night tonight with Papa Kurt and Grandma Patti. Brief, but nice. And now, they are mostly in bed. Baby is still up and Hattie is still out. (She has "road show" practice, and I am suddenly flashing forward to her teenage years when she is out all night...) So I have a peaceful moment until she comes home and we get to fight about whether or not she takes a shower (she WILL!) and if she goes straight to bed after (she WILL!) This is my life.
Busy weekend ahead as we head out to Menifee tomorrow to visit with friends. I am so excited to catch up with my Lauralina and for the kids to play with their friends. Hattie misses Menifee and has asked about Cassidy many, many times. I look forward to our visit. And I'll be swinging by our favorite store Winco to get some orange honey for my mommy. Haha. This is my life. I love it.
Dramatic and stressful morning transitioned (surprisingly) into peace and cooperation in the evening. A new level. A hate this. Absolutely hate it. But I'm surviving it. With a lot of help and support. The children and I will continue to survive. And thrive.
Tired from lack of sleep (these kids do NOT sleep!) but at least I can let Janey cry it out for the next few nights (since Papa and Grandma are not here) and that will help.
We had a nice night tonight with Papa Kurt and Grandma Patti. Brief, but nice. And now, they are mostly in bed. Baby is still up and Hattie is still out. (She has "road show" practice, and I am suddenly flashing forward to her teenage years when she is out all night...) So I have a peaceful moment until she comes home and we get to fight about whether or not she takes a shower (she WILL!) and if she goes straight to bed after (she WILL!) This is my life.
Busy weekend ahead as we head out to Menifee tomorrow to visit with friends. I am so excited to catch up with my Lauralina and for the kids to play with their friends. Hattie misses Menifee and has asked about Cassidy many, many times. I look forward to our visit. And I'll be swinging by our favorite store Winco to get some orange honey for my mommy. Haha. This is my life. I love it.
Dramatic and stressful morning transitioned (surprisingly) into peace and cooperation in the evening. A new level. A hate this. Absolutely hate it. But I'm surviving it. With a lot of help and support. The children and I will continue to survive. And thrive.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Another great Sunday
I have grown so much spiritually in the past few months that (as I have mentioned previously) I now appreciate Sundays a lot more than ever. Church has truly become an opportunity to experience spiritual renewal and preparation for the coming week. As I walked to the van this afternoon, I reflected on how grateful I felt for the chance to be "filled" each and every Sunday.
Our Ward conference today was amazing.
The theme was Phillipeans 4:8-9 "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you."
We heard from our Bishop and our Stake President on the subject. It was inspiring. It gave me such comfort to be edified and supported by the Spirit on my current path. I am grateful. I had gone to church today feeling uncertain and weak. I left feeling so full of the Spirit, so sure that I am absolutely living the life I am supposed to live today. So very grateful.
Now the kiddos are home and in bed, asleep. I get to sign up Derek for Kindergarten tomorrow morning (Yay!) Then 2 babies getting shots on Tuesday (ick!) Jason's basketball game on Wednesday... Another fun week as mother of six. Keep me in your prayers, people!! ;)
Our Ward conference today was amazing.
The theme was Phillipeans 4:8-9 "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you."
We heard from our Bishop and our Stake President on the subject. It was inspiring. It gave me such comfort to be edified and supported by the Spirit on my current path. I am grateful. I had gone to church today feeling uncertain and weak. I left feeling so full of the Spirit, so sure that I am absolutely living the life I am supposed to live today. So very grateful.
Now the kiddos are home and in bed, asleep. I get to sign up Derek for Kindergarten tomorrow morning (Yay!) Then 2 babies getting shots on Tuesday (ick!) Jason's basketball game on Wednesday... Another fun week as mother of six. Keep me in your prayers, people!! ;)
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Blame
I want to fix this. And I hate that he won't give us the chance. So I feel like someone has to be to blame. I blame myself for what I did. When that doesn't work, I blame him for what he's doing. But that doesn't work either. It doesn't matter how much I change, how much I have changed, how much I want things to change, he isn't going to change. He would rather move forward with her than try to make anything work with me. It hurts and it sucks. Just accept it.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Music. (For Charisse)
Everyone I have ever met has been surprised to learn this fact about me, but, I love country music. Not for dancing, but for listening. I love the stories, the sillies, the sentiment. I think country music can make up the soundtrack to your life better than any other type of music. It inspires me. I started listening to country music when I was in high school. For some reason, a bunch of the kids in my school (and around) started going country dancing at the "Neon Cactus" a bar/lounge at the Disneyland Hotel. They had a country band play there (I think it was 3 nights a week) and they'd do line dancing lessons from 8 til 9 and they'd play music after. Of course if you were under age, they would kick you out at 10, so as far as we were concerned it was lessons from 8-9 and dancing from 9-10. It was kind of a nice, wholesome (mostly) activity for a bunch of high school kids. Most of the kids I went with grew out of the "country music phase" but I never have. Still prefer it to any other. I do enjoy a good dance tune, and I like to dance in general, but mostly I prefer my dance music to be from the 90's (when I was frequenting bars and clubs) and 80s (when I actually listened to pop music more regularly)...
I love karaoke, love to sing, although my voice is kind of hit or miss. I will sing most any type of music (as long as I am fairly familiar with the song) but I can never guarantee the quality, and I always prefer country. I like attention; I like to perform. A detriment to my marriage, maybe, but not necessarily a fault.
I do not play a single musical instrument. I did, however, learn how to play one half of "Heart and Souls" on the piano when I was very young and never forgot it. Thanks to Claudia, the girl who lived across the street. I think. I'm not sure. That's just how I remember it. I would love for my kids to learn piano, but I long for one of them to play the violin. It is my favorite instrument. But, overall, I'm really not into the MUSIC so much as the lyrics of the songs, which is why country music will always have my heart.
Soundtrack of My Life:
I love karaoke, love to sing, although my voice is kind of hit or miss. I will sing most any type of music (as long as I am fairly familiar with the song) but I can never guarantee the quality, and I always prefer country. I like attention; I like to perform. A detriment to my marriage, maybe, but not necessarily a fault.
I do not play a single musical instrument. I did, however, learn how to play one half of "Heart and Souls" on the piano when I was very young and never forgot it. Thanks to Claudia, the girl who lived across the street. I think. I'm not sure. That's just how I remember it. I would love for my kids to learn piano, but I long for one of them to play the violin. It is my favorite instrument. But, overall, I'm really not into the MUSIC so much as the lyrics of the songs, which is why country music will always have my heart.
Soundtrack of My Life:
Daily Word of Wisdom (from FB)
“I return to the Prophet Joseph’s words: ‘Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, and keeping all the commandments of God.’ Let us walk these clearly defined paths. To help us do so we can follow the shortest sermon in the world. It is found on a common traffic sign. It says, ‘Keep right.’”
Thomas S. Monson, Ensign, Oct 1993, 2
Thomas S. Monson, Ensign, Oct 1993, 2
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Struggle/Control
Ah, my friend. I have a very hard time letting things go. Okay, maybe letting go of "control"... except it isn't really letting go when I DON'T HAVE CONTROL IN THE FIRST PLACE, is it? So, letting go of TRYING to have control... Am I getting closer to the truth yet?
I have a very good therapist. Except he HAS started poking at the raw spots, making me "uncomfortable" to get past my weaknesses (emotional blocks?). Frustrating! Rick and I had been to many different therapists and never have I made the progress I am making now. I don't know if I should credit my counselor or myself. It could be that I am finally in a place where I can start to get through this stuff. Maybe being "with" Rick, I just wanted to continue to keep up appearances, and now I am actually free to make changes. And we all know change is scary. Boy, is change scary. Although I have to credit my guy at least a little bit. He sure knows how to keep me in line...
I don't know how to give up, on my marriage and my family and I don't know how NOT TO give up. Sometimes I am angry at Heavenly Father for leading me down this path, showing me the "right way" and insisting that I take it. And because I know that is what I MUST do, I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I have to actively work at it, constantly. When I really just need to let it go. Stop trying to force it. Hardest thing in the world to do. But then, what if I put it in a different way... Maybe all I need to do is... Have faith? Trust God? HE has made known unto me what HE forsees. He has given me this vision, this testimony of my eternal family. Is my faith insufficient? I hope not.
Patience has never been my strong suit. I do much better with some sort of distraction. But "distractions" are never a good idea with me. Sigh.
Most of the time, I honestly wish I didn't love my husband. Wish I didn't have hope or desire for our family. Wish I could be in that selfish and ignorant bliss where I spent so much time. That would be easier. Being selfish always feels easier, happier, but doing the right thing feels better. In the long run. And righteous living is the means to true love and happiness like no other. Righteous living. I'm sorry it took me so long to find this place. I wish we had found it together.
I have a very good therapist. Except he HAS started poking at the raw spots, making me "uncomfortable" to get past my weaknesses (emotional blocks?). Frustrating! Rick and I had been to many different therapists and never have I made the progress I am making now. I don't know if I should credit my counselor or myself. It could be that I am finally in a place where I can start to get through this stuff. Maybe being "with" Rick, I just wanted to continue to keep up appearances, and now I am actually free to make changes. And we all know change is scary. Boy, is change scary. Although I have to credit my guy at least a little bit. He sure knows how to keep me in line...
I don't know how to give up, on my marriage and my family and I don't know how NOT TO give up. Sometimes I am angry at Heavenly Father for leading me down this path, showing me the "right way" and insisting that I take it. And because I know that is what I MUST do, I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I have to actively work at it, constantly. When I really just need to let it go. Stop trying to force it. Hardest thing in the world to do. But then, what if I put it in a different way... Maybe all I need to do is... Have faith? Trust God? HE has made known unto me what HE forsees. He has given me this vision, this testimony of my eternal family. Is my faith insufficient? I hope not.
Patience has never been my strong suit. I do much better with some sort of distraction. But "distractions" are never a good idea with me. Sigh.
Most of the time, I honestly wish I didn't love my husband. Wish I didn't have hope or desire for our family. Wish I could be in that selfish and ignorant bliss where I spent so much time. That would be easier. Being selfish always feels easier, happier, but doing the right thing feels better. In the long run. And righteous living is the means to true love and happiness like no other. Righteous living. I'm sorry it took me so long to find this place. I wish we had found it together.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Finishing Proverbs
LOVE THIS!
Proverbs 31:30-31
"Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates."
Proverbs 31:30-31
"Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates."
Monday, March 7, 2011
Dancing with the Pig
My mom is constantly telling me to "Stop dancing with the pig... It just pisses the pig off and makes you look stupid!" Why do I keep trying to dance with the pig? I cannot make the pig dance!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
From my journal. 10/02/2010
8:41am Just before the Saturday Morning Session of General Conference.
"So many distinct impressions as I prepare for Conference. I can't wait until it starts. I've never been so excited. :-)
I've realized that God knows what this family needs. If he doesn't allow Rick to return to us it is because HE (Rick) doesn't deserve US. HE isn't worthy of this eternal family. God will allow him to return when he has properly humbled himself, repented, recognized the hurt HE has now caused. If he does not come back, it is because God is protecting US from HIM. And God has another path prepared for us."
This was back in October. I could never have forseen what was coming, and yet, here we are. Trust your inspired impressions, thoughts, etc. people! God is sooo GOOD. He loves us. He wants us to be strong, be happy, be whole. He gave me the answers early, but I kept going back. I kept trying, kept allowing myself to get sucked in. But this day, one week after my heart had changed, I KNEW the truth. I knew.
"So many distinct impressions as I prepare for Conference. I can't wait until it starts. I've never been so excited. :-)
I've realized that God knows what this family needs. If he doesn't allow Rick to return to us it is because HE (Rick) doesn't deserve US. HE isn't worthy of this eternal family. God will allow him to return when he has properly humbled himself, repented, recognized the hurt HE has now caused. If he does not come back, it is because God is protecting US from HIM. And God has another path prepared for us."
This was back in October. I could never have forseen what was coming, and yet, here we are. Trust your inspired impressions, thoughts, etc. people! God is sooo GOOD. He loves us. He wants us to be strong, be happy, be whole. He gave me the answers early, but I kept going back. I kept trying, kept allowing myself to get sucked in. But this day, one week after my heart had changed, I KNEW the truth. I knew.
Right and Wrong
I have wasted a lot of time, texts, and energy trying to show (convince?) Rick of the right and the wrong in this situation. Over and over telling him I understand how he's feeling, I forgive him, begging for forgiveness myself. I am sorry for my actions, but his actions are destroying our family now. Why can't I accept that he just doesn't care. He doesn't care about me. He doesn't care about right and wrong. Funny part is that I can totally accept that he doesn't care about me. I do not know how to accept that he doesn't care about what is right or wrong in this situation.
My husband, as long as I have known him, was the guy who always, ALWAYS did the "right thing" - or at least completely UNDERSTOOD the right thing to do in any given situation. He honored Priesthood, his AND other people's. He BELIEVED in the doctrine of the church. I am incapable of wrapping my mind around the concept that this is the same guy I married. Obviously he isn't. But still... I married the guy who did the right thing! And now... he has a girlfriend while he's still married to me. He has completely involved her in my children's lives, to the extent that she is sleeping over there each night with the kids now. Really? Did he forget we are Mormon?
I would NEVER have imagined being in this position. I always thought, ALWAYS BELIEVED that my husband was LITERALLY a better person than me. I thought he was stronger spiritually. I thought he was nicer. I thought he was GOOD, down to the core. It is devastating to realize how completely wrong I was. I am the one who is supposed to be living with some other guy before we are divorced. He is the one who is supposed to be fighting for his family, clinging to eternity. I am not sure how to even comprehend the role reversal here. Really.
Turns out, I am the strong one. Who knew? Oh wait, strong in general? I think that part I knew. But spiritually, I had forsaken the church years ago. And as recent as a week before my change of heart I was telling myself there was "no way" I would ever believe my affair was "wrong", no way I would wait until divorce to date, no way I would wait for marriage to have sex again. Seriously. One week. And a week later, I had a new heart. And five months later, I still have it. I know that I can and will live righteously. I know that living righteously is the only path to true happiness - for myself and my children. I pray my example will be strong enough to overcome the damage he is doing, the damage he has already done, the example he is setting. I pray they will not internalize the statements he is making, through his actions, about VALUES AND MORALITY. I still pray, every day, that he will come to his senses, repent, choose his eternal family once again. But that dream is beginning to drift further and further away. Also makes me sad. And hopeful. My future will be blessed, regardless.
My husband, as long as I have known him, was the guy who always, ALWAYS did the "right thing" - or at least completely UNDERSTOOD the right thing to do in any given situation. He honored Priesthood, his AND other people's. He BELIEVED in the doctrine of the church. I am incapable of wrapping my mind around the concept that this is the same guy I married. Obviously he isn't. But still... I married the guy who did the right thing! And now... he has a girlfriend while he's still married to me. He has completely involved her in my children's lives, to the extent that she is sleeping over there each night with the kids now. Really? Did he forget we are Mormon?
I would NEVER have imagined being in this position. I always thought, ALWAYS BELIEVED that my husband was LITERALLY a better person than me. I thought he was stronger spiritually. I thought he was nicer. I thought he was GOOD, down to the core. It is devastating to realize how completely wrong I was. I am the one who is supposed to be living with some other guy before we are divorced. He is the one who is supposed to be fighting for his family, clinging to eternity. I am not sure how to even comprehend the role reversal here. Really.
Turns out, I am the strong one. Who knew? Oh wait, strong in general? I think that part I knew. But spiritually, I had forsaken the church years ago. And as recent as a week before my change of heart I was telling myself there was "no way" I would ever believe my affair was "wrong", no way I would wait until divorce to date, no way I would wait for marriage to have sex again. Seriously. One week. And a week later, I had a new heart. And five months later, I still have it. I know that I can and will live righteously. I know that living righteously is the only path to true happiness - for myself and my children. I pray my example will be strong enough to overcome the damage he is doing, the damage he has already done, the example he is setting. I pray they will not internalize the statements he is making, through his actions, about VALUES AND MORALITY. I still pray, every day, that he will come to his senses, repent, choose his eternal family once again. But that dream is beginning to drift further and further away. Also makes me sad. And hopeful. My future will be blessed, regardless.
Kids today; +/-
Some days with 6 kids are just longer than other days with 6 six kids. Seriously. This morning was OFF THE WALL getting ready for church. Then we made it to church (a little late) but LOVE those Stryker girls for coming and sitting with us. Made for a MUCH more mellow sacrament meeting than normal. Mom got to pay attention to testimonies (at least until I had to take Janey out) and our zoo was way less of a distraction than your typical Sunday. I did my usual unloading to my Bishop, went to Relief Society, gathered the children, and headed home. The walk to the car was somehow exceptionally long. Parker was CRYING, Janey was uncooperative, and I was carrying two heavy bags. Hattie told me she would help me "if we went to In n Out for dinner tomorrow." OMG. I could have smacked her. Jason, of course, ran ahead to the van so that he could lock everyone out before we all got there. So much for "in your seats, seatbelts on" before I get all of the way there. Ugh. Children. Finally Hattie agreed to carry Parker, and we hobbled the rest of the way out there (to the locked car, haha.) This pretty much set up the rest of the afternoon. And now I'm just not in the mood to go into it, but, trust me, it was loud and exhausting. But I'm not in the mood for rehashing it as I sit in silence here. Parker is sleeping (probably not for long) so I want to enjoy the peace for a bit. Just kidding. Had to go change Janey's diaper. Hope that is not indicative of what the rest of our night will be like. I'd like to get a little bit of sleep at least. Just a little. I'm a little short on sleep. And patience.
This afternoon, (after Papa and Grandma and the rest of us, but mostly Papa and Grandma worked really really hard pumping up the "earth ball" for them to play in) I was watching, through the window, the kids play together as I fed Parker. They were having so much fun running and jumping on each other, on the ball, in the ball. I could only see glimpses from my vantage point, but a couple of times I spied Breanna preparing to take a running leap onto the other kids. She looked so grown up. She'll only be 4 in May, but they still grow so fast. And I listened to them giggling and screaming (from the distance, thank goodness) and felt such love and joy for my family. They are amazing kids. I love them so very much.
Despite the difficulty, and stress, and frustration, I am certain of one thing - I am blessed. I am blessed with a loving and supportive family (namely my parents, Grandma and Papa) who have literally turned their lives upside down to facilitate us. I am blessed with a loving and supportive ward who never judge me, always love me, always show care and concern for me and my family. And I am especially blessed with six incredible children. I cannot believe that my husband is willing to let this go. This life. It is amazing. This decision on his part is his loss. Without question. Is it hard on me, YES! Hard on my parents, YES! But in the big picture, the eternal perspective, I am getting the blessings; I get to experience them every day. Rick has never even heard his newborn son cry. And Mr. Cranky Pants was crying ALL DAY today. But I was able to appreciate it in a new way because listening to a newborn cry uncontrollably is a rite of passage in parenthood. We've done it with every child we've ever had. Knowing their cries, feeling their pain. It's part of the job description. He will never experience it. How sad, really. How pathetically sad for him.
This afternoon, (after Papa and Grandma and the rest of us, but mostly Papa and Grandma worked really really hard pumping up the "earth ball" for them to play in) I was watching, through the window, the kids play together as I fed Parker. They were having so much fun running and jumping on each other, on the ball, in the ball. I could only see glimpses from my vantage point, but a couple of times I spied Breanna preparing to take a running leap onto the other kids. She looked so grown up. She'll only be 4 in May, but they still grow so fast. And I listened to them giggling and screaming (from the distance, thank goodness) and felt such love and joy for my family. They are amazing kids. I love them so very much.
Despite the difficulty, and stress, and frustration, I am certain of one thing - I am blessed. I am blessed with a loving and supportive family (namely my parents, Grandma and Papa) who have literally turned their lives upside down to facilitate us. I am blessed with a loving and supportive ward who never judge me, always love me, always show care and concern for me and my family. And I am especially blessed with six incredible children. I cannot believe that my husband is willing to let this go. This life. It is amazing. This decision on his part is his loss. Without question. Is it hard on me, YES! Hard on my parents, YES! But in the big picture, the eternal perspective, I am getting the blessings; I get to experience them every day. Rick has never even heard his newborn son cry. And Mr. Cranky Pants was crying ALL DAY today. But I was able to appreciate it in a new way because listening to a newborn cry uncontrollably is a rite of passage in parenthood. We've done it with every child we've ever had. Knowing their cries, feeling their pain. It's part of the job description. He will never experience it. How sad, really. How pathetically sad for him.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Proverbs 22
19:21
That thy trust may be in the Lord, I have made known to thee this day, even to thee. Have not I written to thee excellent things in counsels and knowledge, That I might make thee know the certainty of the words of truth; that thou mightest answer the words of truth to them that send unto thee?
That thy trust may be in the Lord, I have made known to thee this day, even to thee. Have not I written to thee excellent things in counsels and knowledge, That I might make thee know the certainty of the words of truth; that thou mightest answer the words of truth to them that send unto thee?
Friday, March 4, 2011
Proverbs
20:11
Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right.
21:2
Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the Lord pondereth the hearts.
21:16
The man that wandereth out of the way of understanding shall remain in the congregation of the dead.
23:9
Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words.
Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right.
21:2
Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the Lord pondereth the hearts.
21:16
The man that wandereth out of the way of understanding shall remain in the congregation of the dead.
23:9
Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Psalm 139:23-24
Yes, I'm still in Psalms! But I will finish tonight!
"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
HE does know my heart. HE loves me and values me. HIS judgement is the only one that matters. I know and am living the truth today.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
HE does know my heart. HE loves me and values me. HIS judgement is the only one that matters. I know and am living the truth today.
Victims
The concept of "victimhood" has always been a raw spot in my marriage. But after receiving this article from a friend, I feel totally enlightened.
I would love to start healing my marriage. I would love to start working together to have a healthy relationship. We certainly haven't up until now, and we won't until we both make the effort.
http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html
I would love to start healing my marriage. I would love to start working together to have a healthy relationship. We certainly haven't up until now, and we won't until we both make the effort.
http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Sundays
Since my spiritual awakening, I have developed a new appreciation for Sundays. Admittedly, Sundays are much easier when the kids are with their father, but even when they're at church with me, I am still grateful for the opportunity to go to church. Grateful for the support of a loving ward family and a truly inspired Bishop.
The spirit was strong today at church. The speakers talked about service, but more than that, I felt the spirit throughout sacrament meeting. It was overwhelming and gave me great comfort.
I meet with my Bishop almost every Sunday. He doesn't require it, but I kind of do. It helps me to talk with him and get reassurance that I remain on the right path. Even though I tend to revisit the same themes and similar struggles, I know I am making progress. I continue to make progress.
For some reason, despite my own hurt, my own anger, I haven't stopped believing in my eternal family. I haven't given up on my husband. I haven't even stopped loving him. I've just let him go for now. Accepted that he isn't choosing us. I hope he does eventually. I hope, when that time comes, it isn't too late.
The spirit was strong today at church. The speakers talked about service, but more than that, I felt the spirit throughout sacrament meeting. It was overwhelming and gave me great comfort.
I meet with my Bishop almost every Sunday. He doesn't require it, but I kind of do. It helps me to talk with him and get reassurance that I remain on the right path. Even though I tend to revisit the same themes and similar struggles, I know I am making progress. I continue to make progress.
For some reason, despite my own hurt, my own anger, I haven't stopped believing in my eternal family. I haven't given up on my husband. I haven't even stopped loving him. I've just let him go for now. Accepted that he isn't choosing us. I hope he does eventually. I hope, when that time comes, it isn't too late.
A nice day.
I really enjoyed the baby shower this morning. It was very low key, but also very fun. Plus I got tons of stuff for the baby! Diapers, wipes, baby wash, and CLOTHES! And I got TWO BINS of little baby boy hand-me-downs (thanks Denise!!) to sort through. So excited, really. My darling Hattie got to come, even though it is her Dad's weekend. Completely wonderful.
Then when I took Hattie back to Rick's, I was able to bring Parker over to visit with his Dad. Plus I got to see the kids for a bit. Super fun.
Later, a drive and a visit with my sister-in-law Trina. And then dinner at Lucille's with my cousin TJ. At dinner a man at another table came over and admired the baby. He said his son's girlfriend was expecting and they were just talking about the pride and joy of being a father. It was sweet.
Home now. Started sorting through the hand-me-downs and washing them. I have no idea how I'm going to organize all of these clothes. I don't know where to put them all. I need to clean my room. Again. Constantly. Haha. Blogging and watching "Top Chef" at midnight. This is my "off" weekend. I'm so cool.
Then when I took Hattie back to Rick's, I was able to bring Parker over to visit with his Dad. Plus I got to see the kids for a bit. Super fun.
Later, a drive and a visit with my sister-in-law Trina. And then dinner at Lucille's with my cousin TJ. At dinner a man at another table came over and admired the baby. He said his son's girlfriend was expecting and they were just talking about the pride and joy of being a father. It was sweet.
Home now. Started sorting through the hand-me-downs and washing them. I have no idea how I'm going to organize all of these clothes. I don't know where to put them all. I need to clean my room. Again. Constantly. Haha. Blogging and watching "Top Chef" at midnight. This is my "off" weekend. I'm so cool.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Why?
I wanted to post about why I did the things I did. So I wrote a really long post talking about my relationship, all of our choices, all of the many intricate reasons that I made the decisions I made. But, really, I think it comes down to two things...
Yes, I wasn't getting my "emotional needs" met, but I think that people cheat for two reasons. They are selfish. And insecure. That's it.
Yes, I wasn't getting my "emotional needs" met, but I think that people cheat for two reasons. They are selfish. And insecure. That's it.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Why I came back early.
I have been saying this whole time that I wouldn't come back to Facebook until the divorce was final. I was futilely trying to prove something to my husband about my commitment, my devotion. It has taken me this long to realize that my husband TRULY doesn't care about me. He doesn't care about my feelings, my intentions, my desires, or my "gestures" and has no intention of ever caring again. I decided it was time for me to stop giving him control over me - over my thoughts, my emotions, my actions, my confidence. Time for me to really start finding myself, and to do that I have to recognize that I deserve better than the way I've been treated for the past 5 months. I deserve to be loved; I deserve to be happy; I deserve to be treated with respect. I cannot control whether or not I get those things from Rick, but I don't have to keep living at his mercy.
I continue to be sincere in my goals for my family. I continue to be willing to do whatever it takes to fix, mend, repair. Whatever it takes.
I continue to be sincere in my goals for my family. I continue to be willing to do whatever it takes to fix, mend, repair. Whatever it takes.
I've suddenly realized
something very important:
When Rick says he "wants to" come back, he is just plain lying. It is just another way for him to shift the blame on me. This really isn't about anything I have done or said any more. I am doing everything the Lord would have me do in this situation. Rick knows what is right and chooses to ignore it.
My apologies will never be enough.
My efforts will never be enough.
There is nothing I can do or say.
In all likelihood, I will never be enough. I never have been.
When Rick says he "wants to" come back, he is just plain lying. It is just another way for him to shift the blame on me. This really isn't about anything I have done or said any more. I am doing everything the Lord would have me do in this situation. Rick knows what is right and chooses to ignore it.
My apologies will never be enough.
My efforts will never be enough.
There is nothing I can do or say.
In all likelihood, I will never be enough. I never have been.
Monday, February 21, 2011
"I don't care about YOU."
The response I got to the statement "Because you don't care about your family..."
This just keeps getting better and better.
This just keeps getting better and better.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Disability
My husband has filed for disability.
We've reached a new low in this "process" as any support has been suspended indefinitely. Until he gets this straightened out. Many people told me to be cautious because he "could" quit his job in order to avoid paying child support. I KNEW Rick would NEVER quit. It is unlike him to blatantly disregard his responsibilities. He has a great deal of pride. However, his work will now "not let him" go back to work until his whole back thing gets figured out. It's like quiting legitimized, as far as I'm concerned. Guess his mom won't have to worry about me leaving him enough to live on. I'm more worried about if there will be anything left over for his six children. Awe-freaking-some.
I'm not exactly sure where to go from here. Although going to work does not seem like a practical option with so many small children, especially a newborn nursing baby. Plus I couldn't make enough to pay for the childcare. Or half of the childcare.
Suddenly we're in a completely different place. I am still interested in any attempt at reconciliation. With a lot of commitment, a lot of faith, and a lot of therapy. But I get it. For sure. He's not. He's got a girlfriend. A new life. A plan? Is he starting over? What happens to these kids? I'm not sure. Shocking. And absurd.
Lots to think about. Lots to figure out.
We've reached a new low in this "process" as any support has been suspended indefinitely. Until he gets this straightened out. Many people told me to be cautious because he "could" quit his job in order to avoid paying child support. I KNEW Rick would NEVER quit. It is unlike him to blatantly disregard his responsibilities. He has a great deal of pride. However, his work will now "not let him" go back to work until his whole back thing gets figured out. It's like quiting legitimized, as far as I'm concerned. Guess his mom won't have to worry about me leaving him enough to live on. I'm more worried about if there will be anything left over for his six children. Awe-freaking-some.
I'm not exactly sure where to go from here. Although going to work does not seem like a practical option with so many small children, especially a newborn nursing baby. Plus I couldn't make enough to pay for the childcare. Or half of the childcare.
Suddenly we're in a completely different place. I am still interested in any attempt at reconciliation. With a lot of commitment, a lot of faith, and a lot of therapy. But I get it. For sure. He's not. He's got a girlfriend. A new life. A plan? Is he starting over? What happens to these kids? I'm not sure. Shocking. And absurd.
Lots to think about. Lots to figure out.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Psalm 57:9-11
"I will praise thee, O Lord, among the people: I will sing unto thee among the nations. For thy mercy is great unto the heavens, and thy truth unto the clouds. Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens: let thy glory be above all the earth."
The psalms are quite inspiring. David was quite the poet, although I am thinking much of his talent was lost in translation. I'm sure they did their best. I just spent 45 minutes reading. Filled with gratitude and a desire to lift His name! The Spirit is such a lovely thing!
I wonder who is out there reading? Send me an email, and let me know what's new with you!
The psalms are quite inspiring. David was quite the poet, although I am thinking much of his talent was lost in translation. I'm sure they did their best. I just spent 45 minutes reading. Filled with gratitude and a desire to lift His name! The Spirit is such a lovely thing!
I wonder who is out there reading? Send me an email, and let me know what's new with you!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Exhaustion
I can't even count the number of blog entries I have started in my head. Having a newborn (and 5 other children!) has made blogging nearly impossible. Especially since (as I have said before) the computer shares a room with Janey. That means naptime and bedtime are off limits!
I've been getting around 3-5 hours of sleep at night - about 1.5 hours at a time. No, not very conducive to productivity... BUT I am starting to get the hang of the new routine, now including baby Parker. My former "break" time (from about 1:15 to about 2:30) when I had only Baby Jane now consists of lunch, People's Court, and feeding Parker. Somehow, today, it still felt like a break, so I think that's good.
Absolutely no progress on the husband front. Trying to keep my frustrations to a minimum.
Out of time. The zoo is calling...
I've been getting around 3-5 hours of sleep at night - about 1.5 hours at a time. No, not very conducive to productivity... BUT I am starting to get the hang of the new routine, now including baby Parker. My former "break" time (from about 1:15 to about 2:30) when I had only Baby Jane now consists of lunch, People's Court, and feeding Parker. Somehow, today, it still felt like a break, so I think that's good.
Absolutely no progress on the husband front. Trying to keep my frustrations to a minimum.
Out of time. The zoo is calling...
Baby pictures
The pictures won't be posted until later (tonight?) but I want to give credit where credit is due!
www.dianabaima.smugmug.com
Monday, February 14, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Scriptures
Psalm 9:10
"And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee."
Psalm 11:5-7
"The Lord trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth. Upon the wicked he shall rain snares, fire and brimstone, and an horrible tempest: this shall be the portion of their cup. For the righteous Lord loveth righteousness; his countenance doth behold the upright."
Psalm 18:30-32
"As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him. For who is God save the Lord? or who is a rock save our God? It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect."
"And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee."
Psalm 11:5-7
"The Lord trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth. Upon the wicked he shall rain snares, fire and brimstone, and an horrible tempest: this shall be the portion of their cup. For the righteous Lord loveth righteousness; his countenance doth behold the upright."
Psalm 18:30-32
"As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him. For who is God save the Lord? or who is a rock save our God? It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect."
Friday, February 11, 2011
Derek
Yesterday was Derek's 5th Birthday.
Derek is our third child. Before getting pregnant with Derek, we began preparations to be foster parents. Right after I found out I was pregnant, we agreed to have two foster children (brothers, ages 16 and 8) come live with us. The pregnancy was tumultuous, given the circumstances. We learned a lot about fostering, parenting, our children, and ourselves. We dealt with a lot of stress and strife.
During most of the pregnancy, we had named the baby Kevin Andrew. Well, I had, I guess. It wasn't until it was almost time that Rick revealed his dislike for the name I had chosen. We frantically searched for alternatives. We liked Keithan Fletcher. So that was it for about a week. Then, on February 8, 2006, our friends Kendall and Norma had a baby boy. Rick talked to Kendall about names and Kendall had given Rick a list of names they were considering. Derek was on the list. For some reason, it struck a chord with both Rick and I. Two days later, I was in the labor & delivery room at 8am insisting that Rick call Kendall to make sure they hadn't named their baby Derek! Luckily, his name was Tyler. So Kevin Andrew became Keithan Fletcher became Derek Matthew. And grateful we are to have him!
Derek was born 16 days early at 8 lb 2 oz. He had a full head of dark curly hair, and we thought for sure he was going to be the darkest one yet! Over the course of the first few months, Derek's skin lightened, his eyes lightened, and his hair all fell out! The peach fuzz that was coming in was white blond! It was the craziest thing. I would constantly ask Rick "Does this look blond to you?" He spit up every time he got fed. And when I say spit up, I actually mean puked. Every time I fed him I had to have a blanket with me (not just a burp rag) to protect me from the vomit that would follow. It is a wonder he gained any weight, but true to Thomson form, gain he did! The puking lasted the first year. Fun times!
Derek is now a bright and friendly 5 year old boy. He has a pleasant and bubbly personality, despite his stubborn stubborn temper. He also has an uncanny ability to pout with his whole body. But overall, he tends to be very helpful (usually willing to do chores like sweep or wash dishes or take out trash) and cheerful. I love having him around. His big blue eyes can sometimes be distracting, but there is a lot going on beneath the surface.
We had a blast playing at the Indoor Playground ("My Giggle Place") for his birthday last night. The kids all had fun, Derek got monster trucks and Bakugan, and Breanna even said "Can we come here for my birthday?" Must have been a success!
Happy Birthday to my sweet Derek! I love love love you so!
Derek is our third child. Before getting pregnant with Derek, we began preparations to be foster parents. Right after I found out I was pregnant, we agreed to have two foster children (brothers, ages 16 and 8) come live with us. The pregnancy was tumultuous, given the circumstances. We learned a lot about fostering, parenting, our children, and ourselves. We dealt with a lot of stress and strife.
During most of the pregnancy, we had named the baby Kevin Andrew. Well, I had, I guess. It wasn't until it was almost time that Rick revealed his dislike for the name I had chosen. We frantically searched for alternatives. We liked Keithan Fletcher. So that was it for about a week. Then, on February 8, 2006, our friends Kendall and Norma had a baby boy. Rick talked to Kendall about names and Kendall had given Rick a list of names they were considering. Derek was on the list. For some reason, it struck a chord with both Rick and I. Two days later, I was in the labor & delivery room at 8am insisting that Rick call Kendall to make sure they hadn't named their baby Derek! Luckily, his name was Tyler. So Kevin Andrew became Keithan Fletcher became Derek Matthew. And grateful we are to have him!
Derek was born 16 days early at 8 lb 2 oz. He had a full head of dark curly hair, and we thought for sure he was going to be the darkest one yet! Over the course of the first few months, Derek's skin lightened, his eyes lightened, and his hair all fell out! The peach fuzz that was coming in was white blond! It was the craziest thing. I would constantly ask Rick "Does this look blond to you?" He spit up every time he got fed. And when I say spit up, I actually mean puked. Every time I fed him I had to have a blanket with me (not just a burp rag) to protect me from the vomit that would follow. It is a wonder he gained any weight, but true to Thomson form, gain he did! The puking lasted the first year. Fun times!
Derek is now a bright and friendly 5 year old boy. He has a pleasant and bubbly personality, despite his stubborn stubborn temper. He also has an uncanny ability to pout with his whole body. But overall, he tends to be very helpful (usually willing to do chores like sweep or wash dishes or take out trash) and cheerful. I love having him around. His big blue eyes can sometimes be distracting, but there is a lot going on beneath the surface.
We had a blast playing at the Indoor Playground ("My Giggle Place") for his birthday last night. The kids all had fun, Derek got monster trucks and Bakugan, and Breanna even said "Can we come here for my birthday?" Must have been a success!
Happy Birthday to my sweet Derek! I love love love you so!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Empty
I feel and have felt a LOT of pain for him, my family, what I've done. But my problem now is WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??
We have 6 kids. I've been pregnant this entire time. I believe wholeheartedly in our family. I KNOW what we could have - Heavenly Father literally SHOWED ME our eternal potential. I'm supposed to just wait? For what? Let him blame everything on me? Yes, I screwed up plenty, but it isn't as though we had a "good" marriage that I ruined. There was already plenty we needed to fix. He has a role in that too.
I love him. I love our kids. I would do ANYTHING. He won't even TRY. There is nothing I can do about his pain, hurt, anger. About what I've done to him and us. I have tried and tried and tried. I have been continually and constantly rejected. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO! IT IS ALL UP TO HIM!
We have 6 kids. I've been pregnant this entire time. I believe wholeheartedly in our family. I KNOW what we could have - Heavenly Father literally SHOWED ME our eternal potential. I'm supposed to just wait? For what? Let him blame everything on me? Yes, I screwed up plenty, but it isn't as though we had a "good" marriage that I ruined. There was already plenty we needed to fix. He has a role in that too.
I love him. I love our kids. I would do ANYTHING. He won't even TRY. There is nothing I can do about his pain, hurt, anger. About what I've done to him and us. I have tried and tried and tried. I have been continually and constantly rejected. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO! IT IS ALL UP TO HIM!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Therapy Wednesday
This week was not nearly as excruciating as last week. Minimal crying. Hooray for me. I've learned so much about myself. Most importantly that I've been in denial for months now. I cannot change my husband's mind. It is not in my control AT ALL. Despite my best efforts, he is not (at this point) going to come back and be with his family. That is his choice, his agency, and I have to let it go. Okay, maybe that's not the most important part. It could be that the most important part is that I have a lot of trouble with emotional intimacy. I'm not sure if that's why or because it was so lacking in my marriage, but there it is. Something to work on. Something to figure out, before I can have a good relationship with my husband or anyone else... Working on things is a lot of work, it seems.
I did, however, get "permission" from my therapist to continue blogging. Hooray for that, too. He says it's good for me to get my feelings out. Apparently it's been good for other people too. I am so glad. Really happy that I'm not just indulging myself and that someone out there is actually getting something useful from the things I've posted. That is a positive, even if my marriage fails. I've done all I can. I'm staying willing. That's all that Heavenly Father wants from me at this point. Not giving up, just re-directing.
There is peace (and even happiness) in acceptance, as difficult as it is to accept.
P.S. Hearing rescheduled to April 18. What are the chances we'll actually be divorced by June? Wondering if we'll make it to our 12th anniversary. That'd be kind of cool... :-/
I did, however, get "permission" from my therapist to continue blogging. Hooray for that, too. He says it's good for me to get my feelings out. Apparently it's been good for other people too. I am so glad. Really happy that I'm not just indulging myself and that someone out there is actually getting something useful from the things I've posted. That is a positive, even if my marriage fails. I've done all I can. I'm staying willing. That's all that Heavenly Father wants from me at this point. Not giving up, just re-directing.
There is peace (and even happiness) in acceptance, as difficult as it is to accept.
P.S. Hearing rescheduled to April 18. What are the chances we'll actually be divorced by June? Wondering if we'll make it to our 12th anniversary. That'd be kind of cool... :-/
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Priorities
Since paternity was established, the only contact I've had is a couple of texts about filing taxes. For someone who wants to see their kids "whenever possible" wants 3 weekends a month put in the court paperwork, it seems strange that I have NEVER received ONE phone call asking for more time, asking for an extra day, much less an extra weekend. Not one request to see the baby (only contact has been during drop off or pick up of the bigger kids.) Not even one inquiry or request to "tell my kids I love them"... Only interaction is at the currently appointed times (Wed night and every other weekend.) Curious...
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Dear Rick-
You're right. You can't trust me, but it has nothing to do with how trustworthy I am. Because you could with some effort, but you "can't" - so that's it. You're divorcing me because I betrayed you and you can't forgive. Not because of Facebook or my blog or HER (although I wish her luck.) You can't trust; you can't forgive. I accept it. I'm done trying to force you to see the light, to accept my change, to want this family whole. If you change your mind, I love you, and I'm listening. Otherwise, you're right; you've decided. We're divorced. No playing happy family, tucking kids in, etc. Stay on the porch. Have a nice life.
Congratulations. You're a Daddy (again) Duh.
Congratulations. You're a Daddy (again) Duh.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
"No one deserves to be hurt like this..."
One of two statements that my therapist asked me to consider over the course of the next week.
I guess if I actually believed that I didn't DESERVE to be hurting, I would stop hurting myself. Or more accurately, stop putting myself into situations that I KNOW will cause me hurt. Stop trying to force change where there is no apparent desire for change... I would just "accept what is"... I'm just not sure how to do that.
I think my biggest problem is that I am afraid that if I stop anything, I will be "giving up" and I do not want to give up on my family. To truly fight for this family, I have to be fighting, actively. Except it hasn't been very productive so far. Actually it has been quite counter-productive.
So, do I deserve to hurt? Absolutely. I want to be punished. Mostly, I believe that if I just put up with enough abuse... But apparently that's MY way. Testing. So this isn't a test of my love. It's outright rejection. And that's the part I have a hard time accepting. Especially when it's a rejection of who I WAS, and not who I AM now.
He hurt my feelings today, the therapist, disagreeing with me. And I shut down, closed off completely. He told me that I have to tell him when I am upset with him about something he's said. I'm supposed to talk about my feelings with him, and I didn't realize how difficult that was for me. I started to cry. Hard. Uncontrollably, really. I think the real problem is not talking about my feelings, but talking to someone in particular about how THEY've made me feel. Suddenly I realize I have intimacy issues. The fact is, I was crying for no other reason than I miss my husband. There is no other person I want to talk to about my feelings. Not being able to hurts. So I keep trying. And keep hurting. Thus my cycle.
I guess the truth is probably that I don't deserve to be hurting like this, but I'm not sure what it would take for me to actually believe it. To realize that no amount of hurting will be enough to change anything. I really don't know what it would take.
I guess if I actually believed that I didn't DESERVE to be hurting, I would stop hurting myself. Or more accurately, stop putting myself into situations that I KNOW will cause me hurt. Stop trying to force change where there is no apparent desire for change... I would just "accept what is"... I'm just not sure how to do that.
I think my biggest problem is that I am afraid that if I stop anything, I will be "giving up" and I do not want to give up on my family. To truly fight for this family, I have to be fighting, actively. Except it hasn't been very productive so far. Actually it has been quite counter-productive.
So, do I deserve to hurt? Absolutely. I want to be punished. Mostly, I believe that if I just put up with enough abuse... But apparently that's MY way. Testing. So this isn't a test of my love. It's outright rejection. And that's the part I have a hard time accepting. Especially when it's a rejection of who I WAS, and not who I AM now.
He hurt my feelings today, the therapist, disagreeing with me. And I shut down, closed off completely. He told me that I have to tell him when I am upset with him about something he's said. I'm supposed to talk about my feelings with him, and I didn't realize how difficult that was for me. I started to cry. Hard. Uncontrollably, really. I think the real problem is not talking about my feelings, but talking to someone in particular about how THEY've made me feel. Suddenly I realize I have intimacy issues. The fact is, I was crying for no other reason than I miss my husband. There is no other person I want to talk to about my feelings. Not being able to hurts. So I keep trying. And keep hurting. Thus my cycle.
I guess the truth is probably that I don't deserve to be hurting like this, but I'm not sure what it would take for me to actually believe it. To realize that no amount of hurting will be enough to change anything. I really don't know what it would take.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Ezra 3:11
"And they sang together by course in praising and giving thanks to the Lord; because he is good, for his mercy endureth for ever toward Israel..."
Reminding me to be grateful for my many blessings. Grateful for His mercy. Grateful for the Atonement. Grateful for repentance and forgiveness. Deepest gratitude for the comforting and confirming Spirit of the Lord, strengthening and sustaining me on my current path. Despite my emotional ups and downs, I know my path is true, and my Lord knows ME, knows my heart. He truly IS good. Grateful for the reminder.
Reminding me to be grateful for my many blessings. Grateful for His mercy. Grateful for the Atonement. Grateful for repentance and forgiveness. Deepest gratitude for the comforting and confirming Spirit of the Lord, strengthening and sustaining me on my current path. Despite my emotional ups and downs, I know my path is true, and my Lord knows ME, knows my heart. He truly IS good. Grateful for the reminder.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
A Whole New Level
My "Anonymous" friend told me, in the very first (deleted) comment, that I'd reached a "whole new level of crazy". What I've actually reached, I have decided, is a whole new level of heartbroken.
Depression
Welcome back, my old friend.
Ouch. The devastation of learning that everything I've written has been ignored.
Having hope for my eternal family is very difficult.
Guess I have to remind myself that this family will be blessed by Him, regardless of his choices and behaviors.
Ouch. The devastation of learning that everything I've written has been ignored.
Having hope for my eternal family is very difficult.
Guess I have to remind myself that this family will be blessed by Him, regardless of his choices and behaviors.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
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