Cell Phone

Researching the prospect of a new cell phone plan with a new cell phone carrier.  I still have 2 lines right now.  My main line, and our old house phone.  Maybe I should see if there are any voicemails on there??  I'd like to keep the 2nd line for the kids, but as I think about it further, I believe that it would be more economical to just get a pre-pay line for Hattie to use. 

Thinking about a prepay set me back - mentally, emotionally.  It was one of the things I did to facilitate my "affair."  The emails took a different turn mid-April of 2010, but on May 15, we both had prepay cell phones.  Thinking back now, I am full of regret and sadness.  It definitely brings back unpleasant feelings.  And after I was wanting to "work it out" with Rick, he found the prepay I had been using to talk to Chris.  It was the fatal blow.  He couldn't take it any more.  To me, him finding that phone didn't mean anything.  It was evidence of an affair that I had confessed and agreed to stop.  But to him, it was something else.  Evidence of a level of deceit, I guess.  I don't know. 

So the thoughts about cell phones bring my heart to a sad, ugly place.  I am so sad for the loss of my marriage.  I am sad for the loss of who my husband was.  I am sad for my children.  Talking to a friend today, we were discussing how Rick is IRREPLACEABLE in the children's lives.  I was telling her that I would probably still, even now, to this day, despite everything, be willing to give him a chance - willing to try to piece our family back together.  I am shocked at the times and ways he accused me of selfish motives.  How on earth could that willingness be about ME?  It comes only from a loving Heavenly Father and a thorough understanding of His plan for us.  So now, thoughts of Heavenly Father's Plan give me the comfort of His Spirit.

And things are good again.