Thursday evening I sent an email to Rick in preparation for the weekend. There is a meeting tonight for all Baptisms in the Stake for 2012, and Jason will turn 8 at the end of March. I wanted to notify him about the meeting and introduce the subject of "the baptism" for discussion. I have thought, pondered and prayed on this subject for at least a year now. Given Rick's course of action in this time, my assumption has been that he would not be able to perform the ordinance. A man must have and be worthy of the priesthood in order to participate in such things. It is why he was unable to do Parker's Blessing as well. In all of my thoughts, I had settled on a personal desire to have the baptism done by the missionary who baptized me. His name is Jason Sterzer (yes, my Jason is his namesake!) and we have remained friends since my introduction to the church. He attended Hattie's baby blessing (where he proposed to his now wife at the beach while he was here!), we attended his temple sealing (driving to Utah in the dead of Winter with a 4 month old baby!), and we have tried hard to maintain close contact since his mission. It makes sense to me. I have always been aware, however, that Rick would probably want his biological father, Eric, to do it. I am uncomfortable with that option. I reached out to his father on several occasions over the course of the past year and a half. The last time was in May of last year, and I was received with such hateful attacks that I spent days crying over the hurt I felt. Examples of the types of things he told me were that Rick had received revelation regarding his relationship with Carolyn, he supported and trusted his son, I had proven myself to be unworthy and unrighteous, etc. Mind you, these are all my words, not direct quotes from him. I do not allow myself to re-read even the one copy of an email I still have because the negative spirit brings me to a very dark, dismal place. I give only the gist of the feelings I got from the pages and pages of drivel I received from him. No, there is no way I will allow Eric Madsen (or any of his children) to perform the baptism on Jason. I have no faith in the power of his priesthood or trust in his authority. He has burned that bridge.
Of course, Rick responded to my email (which only mentioned the prospect of Sterzer possibly doing it) with all sorts of craziness. He said not to "count me out" to baptize his son. And then suggestion (as expected) Eric or one of his sons. I responded with a resounding NO WAY. He then laid into me about my prejudice, pride, and hate which hurts others (even my children.) He closed his letter with the statement :
You must be careful that this decision be made in the right order the right way.His words had their desired affect. I was livid in my anger. Who does he think he is, preaching to me about decisions being made in the right order?? In the right way??? Oh my goodness! I wrote the following to him:
Yes, I have a serious problem with your father, Eric. My problem is based on the way I have been treated by him and the things (lies and attacks) he has said to me. You were not ever directly involved, and therefore, have NO understanding of why or where I base my decisions. I absolutely do not consider him the patriarch of our family. Also, your ability to manipulate the church leaders who do not know the truth does not say anything about your true worthiness. Only God can judge, and we will see who is left standing in the end. I am not concerned about my exaltation.
Your self-righteous attitude is sad and disgusting, as I am well aware that you are the one suffering with pride, ego, etc. If you had been willing to soften your heart, our family would not have been destroyed.
You could very easily have maintained worthiness to perform the ordinances in our family, but you made other (prideful, SELFISH) choices, and therefore, we are all suffering. Your decision to dishonor your priesthood had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. It was not my choice, or my fault. Get over yourself.
The children's records are with me, I will make the final decision. DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT MAKING RIGHT CHOICES IN THE RIGHT WAY!!!!! You couldn't be any more hypocritical. Are you really planning to NOT allow your son to be baptized? I offered you the courtesy of having input on who performs it, but I will not allow it to be a Madsen. I have made myself clear.
I have reviewed texts and emails between us and I am astounded by all of the lies you told me (and I BELIEVED!!) over and over. My gut knew better then, but my love for you blinded my ability to see you for who you are. I thought you were a man who loved his family, did the right thing, honored the priesthood. I was horribly, terribly wrong. Thank you for finally showing your true character for all to see.
My feelings are based on facts and experiences. I admit to my anger toward you, Eric, Carolyn, etc... I am not a liar. I tried to lie to you, my husband, and I couldn't do it for more than 2 months. You carried on an affair for over a year and LIED LIED LIED TO EVERYONE. It still hurts me. I admit it.
I don't care about your prayers for me. I am sad for you in your delusional state. My prayer for you is the same as it has always been, that you one day see the truth.
Amber
But church today really provided me with peace. And I came home and decided to look further into the subjects we had discussed in our emails. Finally, today, I sent him the following email. I welcome input from the peanut gallery:
I am sorry for once again allowing myself to be hurt and upset by our interactions. I let my anger get the better of me, and I am still continuing to learn to have faith in the truth in the face of lies and deceit. I hope you had a pleasant, enjoyable weekend with the children.
I am looking forward to the Baptism meeting with Jason this evening. I am still open to discussion and agreement about who performs Jason's baptism. If there were any possible way for you to do it, I would welcome it. However, I am doubtful of that possibility (regardless of what you might have me believe), and I have already let you know who my "Top 3" alternate choices would be. I think it is wonderful that Jason Sterzer is willing to make the trip out here to baptize his namesake. Let me know if you can think of another who may be more appropriately suited to participate (barring the obvious, previously discussed...)
I was doing some research on priesthood and patriarchal responsibility and I found this article (among many others) that helped clarify my knowledge and understanding about the subject. It also speaks to my experience with Eric, and my unwillingness to budge on that subject. The term patriarch, in the context of the church, is directly related to a man's priesthood authority and whether or not he is using it righteously. Simply being a male person who is the supposed "head" of household does not provide a man with spiritual superiority or the authority that is implied through using the term "patriarch." When a man chooses to give up his priesthood right and power in pursuit of his own personal desires, his authority as "patriarch" no longer holds. Recovering that authority takes time, humility, and sincere repentance.
http://lds.org/ensign/1989/07/unrighteous-dominion?lang=eng
With all my love,
Amber
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